If you love me let me know
by MorbidPet17
Summary: Rollaro fic. My take on how they got together and what really happened after Gambler's Fallacy. Starts out raunchy and, well it continues like that. This is fifty shades of Rollaro ;)
1. Chapter 1

Okay so this is totally OOC for me to write, I'm a Finanda shipper but this story could not work in that universe, I needed a Catholic choir boy and a sassy Southern girl for this fic. And let's face it at this point I want to see her with anyone that's not sshat Nate or feeling forced to give BJs at some illegal gambling club. And believe it or not but I started this before they became canon but I rewrote it again as I realized it worked wonders (well that's for you to decide I guess) as a backstory to how they got started.

This fic takes place somewhere after Gambler's Fallacy, nothing taken out, nothing taken in but with my spin to them, Lewis hasn't escaped/returned, Liv's in charge. I may change the end of the season up a bit but I don't own any of the characters.

I have like their three first rendezvous planned out and I know where I want it to end but pls let me know if there's something you like to see happen and I might take it in if it doesn't feel too OOC to me. This won't be such a long fic though, working on another fic, but just know it is a Rollaro fic so no one will die or anything, I can't stay away from drama though (it goes against my nature) so I can't promise a smooth ride. Oh and – **major smut warning!** Especially in this first chapter. Two consenting adults and it gets raunchy so consider yourself warned ;)

And I'm a bit strange but I need theme songs for my fics and for this one it's _Christina Perri ft Jason Mraz'_ **DISTANCE**. Check it out if you want to get in the spirit of this fic and I'm also drawing inspiration from that lyric.

Please let me know what you think, it's okay to tell me I need to wash my mouth (or keyboard?) out with soap or say like four thousand Hail Mary's but it's also okay to review as an anon-guest ;)

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**Chapter 1**

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There had been a few too many beers, maybe some shots and not enough food during the night. They'd met up with Munch since Fin had gotten word he was back from France. Seemed all retired NYPD cops, at least at SVU, went on long trips. As far as they knew Cragen was still on his cruise and Munch had spent the entire winter down at the French Riviera, courting European ladies, dancing, eating cheese and drinking wine.

Before Munch had gotten there it had just been the squad of four and Amanda had swiped a beer quickly and then, as she was getting another round for herself and Fin, she ordered a shot that she'd downed right there at the bar before she joined her squad again. The encounter with Liv in her office was still fresh in Amanda's mind and she saw the looks Liv kept giving her, or more so the lack of looks. Amanda felt as though she wasn't existing to the sergeant and if it wasn't for the fact she was her boss she could've taken it. Tonight the sergeant had only looked her way once and it was when Amanda had emptied her bottle a mouthful before even Fin and asked him if she could get him another one. She needed liquid courage to get through the night even though it might just make the sergeant unlike her even more. She just couldn't win.

It was fun seeing Munch though. He was his old self thankfully and since he wasn't aware of Amanda's recent relapse she felt able to relax around him. Seeing Liv leaning over whispering something in his ear made Amanda a bit weary though but then she felt stupid for thinking she was important enough for Liv to talk to Munch about. Two shots later she felt a bit better. The last shot a guy at the bar had bought her and she was paying him back by sharing a few words with him when Nick walked up behind her putting a hand on her back.

"We're missing you at the table," he said shooting the guy a suspicious eye.  
"Oh I'll be right there, I was just going to get Munch another beer," Amanda said not picking up on Nick's aversion towards the other guy.

"Let me get it, you wanted one too?" he asked and Amanda nodded. She turned back to the guy with a smile and ended the sentence she was uttering as Nick stepped up on her other side to get the bartender's attention. As he waited for his order he listen in on their conversation. Seemed the guy had picked up on her accent and he was asking her about her home state. Her accent was never not present but it did get heavier after she had a few. Nick had picked up on that, he kinda liked it. Her southern drawl wasn't just sassy but also sexy. Nick tried to shake the thought out of his head as the bartender came back with his three bottles.

"C'mon," he said to Amanda once he'd paid for the beers. He grabbed the beers with one hand so he could snake his other arm around her waist as she seemed reluctant to leave the bar. He really wanted her away from this guy for some reason.

"Bye, and thanks," Amanda smiled at the guy as Nick pulled her down off the chair.  
"Thanks?" he asked as he let her go and handed her one of the beers.  
"He bought me a shot," Amanda smiled taking a swig from the bottle just handed to her.  
"So a shot gets the guy a thanks and light conversation," Nick said, "what does a beer get you?"

Amanda coughed as she got some of the beer in the wrong pipe. She chuckled a little as she wiped her mouth, her eyes landing on him.

"Smooth detective," she smiled, eyelashes twinkling at him, "I would tell you but I think you'd rather find out what _two_ beers gets you."

The wink she shot him made something flip in his gut and he chuckled nervously as she sat down next to Fin. He rounded the table, putting one of the bottles in front of Munch and then had a seat next to Liv. He tried to slip right in to the conversation going on at the table but he struggled as his eyes kept wandering across the table to Amanda. She on the other hand seemed to have no trouble joining the conversation straight away. She intrigued him on many levels.

Just a few hours later the company was down to three and Fin, Nick and Amanda got ready to head out. Of the three Nick seemed to be the most sober one, the two partners' voices were loud as they walked out debating on some recent basketball game and their mixed reviews on the final score. Nick got left a bit behind and walked out just as Amanda close to fell over with laughter into Fin's arms. Fin was also laughing and Nick couldn't help but smile figuring they at least had agreed on something during that game.

"So I'm gonna catch a cab my way," Fin said as he helped Amanda get her jacket on, "Since you two live the opposite way…" All he had to do was shoot Nick a look and he got it.  
"I'll get us a cab," Nick said.  
"And you make sure this one gets home alright?" Fin said putting his hand on top of Amanda's head and spinning her around towards Nick almost like a string puppet. Amanda just smiled though.  
"I'll make sure your partner gets home alright," Nick smiled.  
"This partner can get her own drunk ass home thank you very much," Amanda said aiming a blow to her partner's chest.

The fact that the good aimed blow got Fin off balance gave them a rather good idea to who was the most drunk of the two. Nick chuckled and went out to the curb to hail a cab. He let Fin get into the first one and after he'd shut the door he turned back to give Amanda a quick glance. She'd shoved her hands down her pockets and curled up her shoulders to her ears trying to bundle up a bit hiding from the cold. A wind caught her hair covering up her rosy cheeks a bit but he could still see her smile and piercing blue eyes through the blonde strands of hair. She looked absolutely adorable and he had to turn away again to hide the silly grin that grew across his face. It didn't take long until he'd flagged down another cab and he opened the door for her.

"Thank you detective," she sang sung as she passed him to duck inside the warmth of the cab. He jumped in after her trying to get a grip on his silly grin. He heard her give the driver his address.  
"C'mon your place is closer and I can get myself home," she said rolling her eyes as she caught him looking at her.  
"I can hold my liquor better than Fin believe it or not," she said with some sass to her voice.  
"I know," he said earning him an appreciative smile from her.

Her smile warmed him more than the inside of the cab did. She turned her head to look out the window as the cab took off but he kept looking at her. The dampness in the air had, even though they were just out on the sidewalk for a few minutes, made her hair curl up naturally. He didn't know what was going on inside his gut right now but it felt good. He had always found her attractive. From that very first day when he walked into the squad room he had a good eye to her. Even though she'd been dressed down, hair gathered in a sloppy ponytail across one of her shoulders, her left shoulder if he wasn't completely off, his eyes had been drawn to her. That deep voice of hers, that spark in her blue eyes whenever she got an idea or was on to something, which was almost constant. Her energy could be a bit annoying but it was just such a big part of her personality he couldn't dislike it completely. He even liked fighting with her. He liked that squint in her eyes even though it was a bit intimidating as well, especially when she got all up in your face. That girl wasn't scared of taking you on, taking anyone on and he liked that fearlessness. She could give low blows though, hurtful low blows but he knew he deserved some of them.

He'd been married though and he was a faithful man that would never stray from his wife but now that the divorce was definitive… he couldn't help but wonder. What would it be like to be with her? Could he mix pleasure with business?

Over the years he hadn't been able to keep from shooting her one extra look at times and when her sister came to town causing trouble he had to admit he'd used her to get to know more about his sassy, southern squad mate. It wasn't such a pretty picture her sister had painted though. Then there was the whole gambling bit, he knew plenty of drug addicts and alcoholics but he'd never known someone in GA. As usually the unknown intrigued him and since this situation involved his blonde squad mate it made him even more so, close to obsessed actually.

He wasn't sure why he got so carried away. The Benson/Lewis ordeal, him starting to realize his marriage wasn't salvageable, missing his mentor Munch. He wasn't sure what it was but he felt a need to occupy himself with something. He knew he had been out of bounce going undercover on his own to spy on her sponsor. He deserved the scolding he got but as usual he had a hard time swallowing it and perhaps he might have taken it even harder just because it came from her. It still hadn't kept him down when she started to act suspicious again and the notion he'd punched a sergeant from Vice in the gut didn't sit well with him but at least he wouldn't have to face him again. He had to face Amanda though and he still wasn't sure exactly what had happen once she worked UC or how she ended up there. He was sure she'd relapsed though and the tension between her and Benson was rather tangible. He usually sided with his old partner but in this case he couldn't help but feel as though Amanda was the one in need of some support.

Looking at her now he recalled a conversation he had with Fin a while ago, it was right after the Lena, and Nate, case was over. They'd grabbed a beer after work after Amanda's blow out in the bunks where she ended up more or less telling both him and Fin to back off. Fin had time to down a few more beers than him as Nick had rambled a bit, fueled up on how Rollins could've fallen for an ass hat like Nate. Fin had seemed more upset about GA letting her get a male sponsor, he made it sound like it was doomed to fail. When Nick had probed a bit Fin had straight out said, probably opening up a little easier than usual because of the alcohol in his system, that his partner was brilliant at busting perps but when it came to matters of the heart she would give it up to anyone who showed her just a hint of affection.

Nick had been a bit stunned and gotten even more so when Fin added that's what happens to little girls lost with absent fathers. Fin had never seemed like the analytical type of guy but his insight on his partner was very perceptive. It had been a rare moment of Fin's willingness to discuss his partner and Nick couldn't let the moment slip by. He'd asked straight out what that attribute of hers meant for the two partners, they seemed very close so had they ever… Fin was the one who added 'hooked up' when Nick left it open. Nick had tried to keep his composure but then failed as Fin had, again very bluntly, let him know the subject as well as the offer had been up on the table but Fin had retracted it as he figured he would ruin her for every other guy if they bedded, something he'd apparently told her at the time.

Nick was amazed at the partnership the two seemed to have. He could never even imagine himself acting or talking like that with a female partner. Not that he have had many female partners over the years but just the thought of talking so openly with Liv about… well sex, made him feel awkward. But when it came to Amanda he felt a bit jealous to be honest. Not that he could imagine himself being able to pull off what Fin apparently had pulled off with her the thought still got him a bit excited. Flirting with Amanda got him excited and a little bit of that had been going on tonight, at least he thought so. It had been a while since he dated so he was a bit unsure.

"So," he said as he started to recognize his block outside the cab window. He was about to say something when her eyes turning to look at him caught him off guard and he had to clear his throat. She gave him a curious look tilting her head down a bit making her peek up at him from underneath her bangs. He felt forced to keep talking and he had no idea where he found the guts to say what was just about to come out of his mouth.

"Do you wanna come upstairs with me for a night cap?"

Her eyes swayed a little to one side and he was afraid he'd crossed a forbidden line but then the cheeky smile that spread over her face made him feel a little at ease but nervous on a whole other level.

"Are you sure it's not to find out what two beers gets you?" she asked with the cheekiness on her face drawling on her tone of voice as well. He chuckled a bit nervously.

He had bought her a second beer after that statement she'd made at the bar. It was all he could think about once they sat back down at the table and when given the opportunity he'd bought her a second one and then put it down with considerable emphasis in front of her. He thought he might have caught her blushing a bit but then she'd smiled about as cheekily as right now and her eyebrows had played around a bit. There had been another few lingering glances shared between the two during the night. And once they'd said night to Munch and Liv they'd sat down by the bar and she'd put her hand on his leg as she sat down. It could've been accidental though but there was nothing accidental about the slight tightness he felt in his pants. They'd put Amanda in the middle but it hadn't stopped two individual guys from trying to approach her. Thankfully Fin had fought them off though and Nick had just watched in awe as Amanda laughed close to hysterical as Fin, after the second guy, huffed how annoying it was that no one ever thought he was her boyfriend.

"We have to make out more," Amanda had said jokingly and then planted a wet one on the top of Fin's scalp as she rose up a bit from her stool. Sitting back down on the high stool she'd turned to Nick and for a brief moment it had looked as though she were about to kiss him too and he'd held his breath in anticipation. He had seen her eyes go down to his mouth and she'd bit down on her lip in a very seductive way. If he wasn't a man with such restraints he'd grabbed her there and then, the offer of a nightcap did however come with ulterior motifs. Part of him wanted her to turn it down cause there was no way he would be able to keep his hands off her if she came upstairs with him.

"Yeah why not," she said pulling him from his thoughts, "I'm kinda curious to see how the choir boy of SVU lives."  
"Don't call me that," he said but couldn't hide the smile. She could call him anything right now, she had him hooked.

He got money up before they even reached his street, he didn't want to give her a chance to think about backing out. She was the first one out though when the cab pulled up by his house and she was waiting for him right down by the stairs when he finally jumped out.

"Brrr it's so damn cold," she said as he walked up to her.  
"Yeah, let's get inside," he said and was happy he had a reason to hurry up.

He felt stupid for struggling to even get the keys in the door though but he was nervous and just barely picked up her saying something about wishing summer would get her faster. He had a lot of conflicting feelings inside and just hoped he wasn't doing something stupid here. He _was_ planning on serving her a night cap and hoped for the chance to talk to her one on one. To say that he wasn't hoping for something else to happen would be a lie though. He hoped that he would be able to touch her face, caress her check, run a finger over her lips, maybe taste her lips too. Yeah he wanted to kiss her, desperately, and that was on his mind as he let her inside his apartment. He hadn't kissed someone for a long time now, even longer since he'd been with someone. Pure lust filled him as he stepped in after her and just felt her presence in the dark apartment. He tried to find the light switch quickly so he wouldn't use the darkness to just jump her there in the hallway.

Amanda acted cool but inside she shared some of those feelings Nick was carrying. She'd felt the tension tonight, the looks they shared and she knew she was the one who set it all off. Fin had been teasing her for a while now that Nick had the hots for her. She'd shrugged him off but it had set something in motion inside of her. She'd always found Nick attractive but he was married and she'd sworn off married men since that one ugly display back in Atlanta. And then there was the fact that they had always seemed to be down each other's throats ever so often. He was like the annoying big brother she never had, he had to be right all the time and thought he had the right to protect her even though she was far from some damsel in distress. She hated that role, would never wear it. She was the one saving people in the book she'd written for herself. Her miserable childhood, the trouble her sister had brought into her life over the years and her gambling problem were chapters in that book she tried to put behind her. Sex had a big part in her life, both past and present. There was no way around it, she liked sex but knew better, should at least know better, than to mix that particular pleasure with business. But she couldn't stop herself. He wasn't married any longer, he seemed interested and she was filled with a dangerous combination of curiosity, pure lust and that one ingredient that so often got her in trouble - alcohol.

Once the light was on she saw him step out of his shoes so she did the same. Getting out of her boots turned out to be a bit trickier than getting out of flats though. He grabbed her as she tipped over one way and she chuckled as she grabbed on to him with one hand and to the wall with the other one.

"You okay there?" he smiled and she nodded. When she got her balance back he immediately withdrew his hands that were around her midsection, he had to at least let her get inside he told himself. He hung his jacket by the door and waited for her to do the same once she'd managed to get her boots off with the support of the wall.

"Step inside," he said trying to sound casual about it. She shoved her hands down in her back pockets as she passed him and of course his eyes went down to her ass. _Focus_, he told himself.

"Nice digs," he heard her hum as she looked around the living room.

"So what do you want to drink?" he asked. She spun around, hands still pushed down her back pockets. He had trouble reading her, she didn't seem to be contemplating what to drink, her look was more predatory as her eyes quickly swiped up over his body.

"I don't think I should drink any more tonight," she said staring him down.

"No?" he said worrying she might be too intoxicated after all.

"No, not if you want me to be present for this."

"This?" he asked, his voice raised a few octaves as she was slowly closing in on him and he cleared his throat to her amusement. He felt unable to do much more than stare as she got closer. Her hands were still in her back pockets making her arch her back a bit and he couldn't help but let his eyes go down her body but when she was just an arm's length away he caught her eyes again and he felt unable to breathe now.

"This," she repeated with barely a whisper as she was just an inch from his face. He was totally mesmerized by her eyes and mouth and had no idea what the rest of her was doing until he could feel her hands land on his hips and quickly swiping up to his chest where she grabbed a hold of his shirt. His breath got caught in his throat and it didn't get better when she exhaled deeply and he felt her warm breath on, and inside, his mouth. She was so close he couldn't see much else than her eyes. Her eyes had that squint to them but then he saw a smile in them right before she finally closed the distance. His eyes closed the moment her lips brushed up against his. His lower lip shivered as he felt her play with his upper lip between hers. Her tongue played over his lip, then over his teeth and then finally it entered him as she captured his entire mouth with her own. His tongue was there to greet hers and he couldn't keep his hands to himself any longer. They snaked up her back until his palms landed on her shoulder blades and he pushed her harder against himself. He wanted her deeper inside but also waited for permission to enter her mouth.

Her nails dug into his chest and it made him exhale into her with a shivering breath. He could taste beer on her but also something sweeter, something that made him think of flowers on a field, grass and trees. It was her smell too, she smelled fresh, different. He wanted more. More of her. His one hand went up inside her hair, entangling with those blonde locks and feeling the back of her skull underneath his fingertips. The other one went down her back, crossed the bra strap, went down her spine and ended up in the small gap between her back and her pants. She felt him moan into his mouth and then her hands went down his body towards his belt. When she started unbuckling it he used the hand he had in her hand to pull her away a bit. She looked so hot with swollen lips and flushed cheeks he was about to bring her back in but there was something he had to make sure of before this could happen.

"Are you sure you haven't had too much to drink?" he whispered with a strained voice. She shook her head a little, seemed stumped he even asked that and tried to get back to his mouth. He tighten the grip in her hair though to hold her back still and the little gasp and wicked smile that spread over her face made his pants tighten even more.

"You want me to follow a finger?" she breathed. He wasn't sure how to respond but he wouldn't have to as she quickly added;

"I rather follow this straight to the bedroom." She grabbed a hold of his crotch and there was just no way he could hold himself back. He crashed down on her lips and his hands both went down to grab her ass so he could lift her up. She chuckled against his mouth as she easily got up around his hips and she wrapped her arms around his neck to press herself even further up against him.

Thankful he'd made his way from there to the bedroom plenty of times before, granted never with anyone in his arms, he found his way there now without having to let her enticing mouth go. He got all the way up to the bed and she got down on her knees on the bed as they parted slightly. The lights were off in there but he'd supposedly forgot the lights on in the bathroom this morning so there were some light coming from there as well as from the full moon outside his window. She looked gorgeous in the soft light but he had little time to admire her as she went for his belt pulling him in. She had some trouble with it in all her eagerness so they changed tactics. He took care of his own clothes and she started tearing hers off without tearing their eyes of each other. He ripped his belt out of the hoops, unzipping his pants and then went on to unbutton his shirt, all while his mouth watered up from watching her rip her top over her head. He just had to derail from his plans and reached out finding his way inside one of her bra cups. She gasped as his fingers swept over her nipple and it harden immediately. Her hands reached out and she ripped his shirt open making buttons fly all over the place. It was his turn to gasp slightly but then they both started laughing.

He let her go so he could get his shirt off. Meanwhile she threw herself on her back and got working on getting her pants off. He watched in awe, with a big grin on his face that he was unable to wipe off, as she wiggled out of her pants. She had just a pair of skimpy strings underneath and he was rather happy they didn't follow the pants down as he wanted to rip them off himself. He pulled his tank top over his head and threw it away. She gestured at him to get over to her and he tried pushing his pants and boxers down as he got up on his knees, quickly making his way up between her spread legs. He let his pants be though as he felt the need to touch her and his hands swiped up her legs as he watched her swipe one of her own hands down towards him across her stomach and the other one went up to her mouth were she bit down on one of her fingers. Just that little motion drove him crazy and he just had to have her in that very instance. He lay down on top of her and her hands immediately went down to help him push down his pants properly.

"You want me to..." he struggled to find his voice, "put something on?"

"Not for my sake," she whispered grabbing his mouth with hers and that very moment he forgot everything about it and the same second he swiped her strings to the side he easily slid inside of her. She was so wet, and so hot. He had to let go of her mouth to take a proper breath as he just rested inside of her for a while. She wouldn't let him stay still for long though as she moved her hips underneath him and her hands on his butt cheeks urged him to get going.

"Oh my God," he whispered as he slid as far into her as it was possible.  
"If that's what you call him then tell him to get going," she whispered close to his ear and then bit down on his earlobe.

For a second he was about to laugh but then he felt a need to pull out of her so he could crash right back in and he focused on that instead. Her nails dug into his back as he reached bottom and then ripped down his back as he repeated the motion. The feeling of her insides closing around him as well as the slight pain from her handling of his back egged him on and he quickly got into a fast and rhythmic pace sliding in and out of her. He wanted even more of her and his mouth started exploring the side of her neck. He got his hands up into her hair which made it possible to hold her in place every time he crashed up inside of her. He could tell by the sounds she made it gave her pleasure so he kept one arm folded on top of her head as the other hand went down the side of her face. She soon found one of his fingers and she bit down on it. He grunted slightly and had to let go of her neck so he could look at her. He slid his finger further inside her mouth and she latched on with both her teeth and lips. She looked so damn hot underneath him he almost lost it. He crashed down inside of her a little harder and he watched her eyes roll back inside her head. She had to let his finger go as she gasped for air and when he saw her eyes again he caught her mouth with his. Their tongues immediately found each other and started rolling around each other. She got her knees up even further and he felt her shift slightly underneath him as she tilted her hip. The move gave him easier access and when she asked him to go faster he had no problem obliging her. He could feel he wasn't far away but he didn't want to come before her so he tried to contain himself. She seemed to feel it though and told him it was okay.

"Just let go," she moaned as he still wouldn't though.

"But..." he tried to talk but felt it hard to do trying to hold it in at the same time, "I... want... you... to..." He'd put his palms down on the bed on either side of her and tried to get up a little while he was still pounding in and out of her.

"It's okay," she said grabbing on to him so her back almost came off the bed, her mouth was just by his ear and she swiped it over his ear before she added; "We got all night don't we."

And with that he was gone. He grabbed a hold of her hair holding her down against him as he in deep and spastic thrusts came inside of her. He couldn't even remember a time when he'd come that hard and it lasted a long time and with every thrust she yelped a little. She held on to him through it all, her teeth digging in to his neck, nails buried in his back just making his experience so much more pleasurable.

When he had finally emptied himself completely inside of her he fell down panting on top of her. She was panting too but kept her mouth going down his neck and over his shoulder. He could still feel where her nails had been planted as he came. Right now though her hands swiped up and down his back. He could still feel her walls tightening inside of her and he knew his job wasn't done yet. He tried gathering himself quickly and kissed his way up her face until her mouth came to meet his.

"What can I do?" he whispered in-between slight kisses.

"Does God need a minute before round two?" she asked and he couldn't help but smile against her mouth. He nodded.

"Then use your hand," she suggested biting down on his lip. He rose up a little so he could look her in the eyes.

"Can I go down on you?" he asked with anticipation over his entire face. His ex Maria never let him, their sex life hadn't exactly been experimental.

"I would not object," she smiled and he could feel her hips thrust up against him with the same anticipation that was still on his face. He had to kiss her and before he moved down he removed her bra, showered both her nipples with feather light kisses. He had to leave her though as he felt really excited about exploring her lower parts. He got out of his pants and boxers first, feeling restrained with them around his knees but he never let her go with his eyes. She didn't make any attempt to cover herself up, didn't seem shy at all and just kept looking at him as she grabbed a hold of the bedpost with one hand and let her other hand play over her breasts.

"God you're hot," he whispered as he got down between her legs. The sight from down there was just as heavenly as from on top of her. Her strings were still resting to the side of her, exposing her wet folds and the completely shaved mound around them. He thought he had felt her Brazilian wax but now got visible proof. Just the sight made him start to tense up again but he had no plan to let this appetizing bit go untasted. He grabbed a hold of her strings and she helped him out by lifting her hips a little and he pulled them off her. It was hard for him to not stare at her inner core but he ripped his eyes from it just for a second to look at her face. Her tongue swept across her lip and she'd grabbed a hold of the bedpost with both hands now. He grinned and swept his hand up her inner thigh watching her entire body tense up.

"Don't be a tease," she breathed and he loved her eagerness. He put his lips on her mound and kissed his way down between her folds as he got his arms in underneath her and around her hip so he could control her. The smell of her aroused him and then her taste, he couldn't get enough. He chowed down feeling her body immediately try and get away from him. He feared she actually wanted to get away but the sounds she made got him thinking it was just a just an involuntary move caused by arousal. He would get that confirmed as her hand after just a few seconds came down in his hair pushing him down on her core. He had to improvise, he wasn't sure what she liked but he went by what he heard, and what he felt underneath his mouth. Her clitoris was definitely the tender spot, gently wrapping his tongue over and around it would make her moan pleasurable while sucking on to it had her gasping for air. He tried mixing the two moves up and at times travelled just an inch downwards so he could stick his tongue inside of her. He loved how she tasted and how it was like sticking his tongue inside a cave of warm sweet jam. He got flashbacks to how his mom served him warm jam as a kid, he realized it was totally inappropriate to think about his mom or childhood memories now but it was happy times, such as now. He couldn't get as deep as he wanted with his tongue though and he knew there was a spot in there that might drive her even more ecstatic. He moved up to her clit again and then pulled one of his hands down so he could stick a finger inside of her. By her sound he knew he was still doing good and he tried to find the spot with his finger as his tongue worked her clit.

"More," she groaned pushing her hips up against him. He lost a bit of momentum and looked up. Again he couldn't help but think how damn hot she looked. One hand was still holding on tight to the headboard while the other one was roughing up her hair as it went up and down between her hair and her breasts. He locked eyes with her through the tangle of blonde strands and she pinched her own nipple hard making her own body react underneath him. He had to reach up, he wanted to touch that nipple, pinch it just as hard but instead she grabbed a hold of his hand and she put the finger, the one that had just been inside of her, inside her mouth. She latched on to it and he wasn't sure he'd ever seen anything that sensual before.

"More," she repeated once she let his finger go, "use more fingers." He couldn't help but smile, he loved how she just knew what she wanted and didn't feel embarrassed to let him know. It made the experience so much better. He couldn't think about anyone he'd been with who'd done that.

He wasted no time, sucking down hard on her clit as he stuck two fingers inside of her. He was now a man on a mission. He could feel there was room so he put a third finger inside of her, moving them in and out curling them slightly every time he got as deep as possible. He could feel she was near but not quite there yet so to be able to use the length of his hand he put a forth finger inside her, just leaving his thumb out now, and at the very first go he felt the immediate reaction in her body. He had to really hold her down with his other arm and he realized how hard it was to suck down on a clit as you smiled like a freak. Her entire back arched and the noises she made drove him insane. He stayed mostly inside her rolling his fingers over an area on her inner wall that had her entire body trembling. His mouth worked her clit hard meanwhile and he both heard and felt when she finally came. Her walls tighten hard around his fingers and the previous wet cave started dripping. He couldn't help but taste her but calmed down his tongue as he could tell she was very sensitive. He carefully used his moist fingers to caress her core until he could feel her body start to relax. He missed her face and he climbed up her body but moved a little to the side as he could tell her breath was still strained. She'd put an arm over her face but he wasn't that upset since he found one of her nipples with his lips and he didn't mind giving it his attention for a while.

"Oh my God," she panted after a while.  
"Yes, he's back and ready when you are," he said cheekily kissing his way up to her neck. It wasn't really what she'd meant but as she started to get feeling back to her lower half she could feel it wasn't just words as he was hard against her thigh.

He'd mostly meant it as a joke, even though it was true. He figured she would need some time but the look on her face as she pulled away her arm told him she was very much ready to go again. Again his face lit up with anticipation. He was about to climb up over her again but then she instead pulled him with her up, leaving them upright, facing each other. He had to reach out and touch her cheek, then stroked back some of her ruffled hair. He knew he smiled like an idiot but he didn't care. The smile turned nervous though as she pushed him back on his heels and he stayed a bit nervous, nervous anticipation, as she very sultry climbed up on his lap. His hands went to her hips, greeting her, welcoming her but then just rested there, fully okay with her running this show as long as he was one of the participants. His eyes were mesmerized by her face but every now and then his eyes went down her perfect body.

She brought a hand down between them and grabbed a hold of him. Slowly she lowered herself down over him and they inhaled simultaneously when she got all the way to the base. He moved a hand up to brush some hair back over her shoulder so he could see her breast and he got his mouth down over her entire areola but then focused in on her nipple. She threw her head back when he used his teeth on it. She'd been circling her hips slowly but he could feel she wanted to pick up the pace and he let her nipple go to give her room. He brought his hand up into her hair and grabbed on so he could force her face to stay in front of his as she started to move up and down over him. He loved holding on to her eyes and wanted to look at her as she came but soon the intimacy seemed to get too much for her and even though he had a hard grip in her hair she wrapped her arms around him and pulled herself into him. It was okay though as he buried his face in her neck and her face was etched in his mind as he closed his eyes taking in her scent. She was beautiful and he could stay in this moment forever. Her arms were wrapped around his neck while his hands were all over her back. He loved how soft her skin was, he could feel a few scars under his fingertips at times and he lingered there for a while wanting to take inventory, to remember everything about every spot of her body. Every imperfection was perfection on her.

The position got a little too stale for her though and she started to part from him, pulling herself off him. He reached for her with a bit of despair on his face as he didn't understand what was happening.

"Don't worry," she whispered with a smile and planted a kiss on his lips as she grabbed a hold of his hands to again get him to follow her. She held his hands up a little, spinning herself in under them so he ended up behind her. He'd followed her on his knees like a little puppy up to the headboard.

"I'm warning you though, you can make me come like a banshee," she whispered and he loved the mix of cheekiness and embarrassment on her face as she made that confession glancing at him over her shoulder. She'd dropped his hands on her shoulders and as she grabbed a hold of the headboard there was no question about what position she wanted. For a second his mind wondered which opening to visit but with what he'd previously learned about her anatomy and that her current aim seemed to be crazy release he figured he got his answer. He wondered though if she would allow him access to the other socket, if she was in to that. He'd never tried it and couldn't lie to himself right now, he was curious. He couldn't believe that he was even thinking about that since just hours ago the thought of having sex with his squad mate hadn't even been on the table. He tried to get control of his smile as he moved in behind her. He planted kisses up her spine and he felt her curve up against him almost like a kitten. He got his hand in underneath her, grazed her breast. He caressed his way down to her mound, sliding a finger in between her folds as his mouth dug in through hair to find her neck. He heard her gasp as his finger found her clit and he started rubbing her gently as he pushed his harden self against her butt cheeks.

"Get inside me," she whimpered once she wanted more than his finger and he had no problem satisfying her request. Sliding inside her felt familiar now but she hadn't been kidding about the fact she was very sensitive in this position. It only took a thrust or two to get her panting hard and finding her fists on the headboard with his own hands he could feel how hard she was already holding on to it.

"I'm not hurting you am I?" he had to ask moving his mouth up to her ear.  
"No way," she said with some strain to her voice but then her voice got clearer and with a hint of cheekiness as she added; "But feel free to."

He chuckled a bit managing to keep out the slight uneasiness he found in that last… request? Why would he ever want to hurt her? Why would she want him to? Was it just a crack or did she really get off on it? He tried to get the thoughts out of his mind and it wasn't hard at all as he felt the walls inside her start to close in on him with every new thrust. He moved his hand back in underneath her and pulled her right leg a little further out to get better access, it had immediate effect as she yelped a little at the next thrust. He moved his hand up her body, staying to play with her nipple just briefly before he went all the way up to her neck. His fingers quickly found her mouth and she bit down on them. It got him moving a little faster in and out of her and soon she had to let his fingers go to be able to breathe. She started rambling a bit incoherently but he picked up a few dirty words here and there and it brought the smile back on his face. He felt her inner walls work hard now and soon he had her peeking, again trying to both get away from him at the same time as she pushed herself harder back against him. She screamed 'sweet jesus' when she got over the edge and he slowed down a little giving her time to get her breath back.

He stayed inside her though, enjoying feeling the aftermath, the small spasms in her walls, the trembling in her entire body. He used the time to taste every inch of her sweat glistering shoulder blades and learning how her nipple worked after an orgasm. He could tell when she'd come down enough to keep going as she started moving her hips again. She clearly hadn't had enough. He let her set the pace for a while but then took over as he could feel her starting to climb another peak. She certainly hadn't been kidding about this position and this time she couldn't even hold on to the headboard. She fell down on the bed, hands grasping the bed cover and gasping hard. He hurried to scramble together some pillows under her hip and then more or less forced her down to rest against them. And she needed it as just seconds later she was on another wild ride throwing out curses as she close to ripped the mattress clasping on to it with animalistic frenzy. He got his hands down above hers wanting a part of that too and she let him entwine his fingers with hers. It worked to her advantage as he forced her hands down and as he got pulled in to her close to predacious state he bit down on her neck sending her over the edge with a few short but deep thrusts.

"Oh my God, Oh my god, Oh my God," she panted coming down and he again salvaged the aftermath, the ripples in her entire body after yet another orgasm. It made him feel proud too. He hadn't been able to make his ex come in many years so he'd forgotten just how good it felt to be able to satisfy a woman in bed. He could do this all night, just make her come over and over again.

Amanda wasn't a stranger to orgasms and she knew her body very well and what she needed to get there. She had to admit this was beyond even her expectations though. She had great lovers over the years. On that scale Nate had been good, he'd been able to make her come but he'd been to focus on his own release to fully commit to hers. Just looking at Nick she had figured he probably wasn't that bad in bed, and yes she had thought about it, but she had also thought he was a bit of a choir boy even between the sheets, not able to pull much else out than the missionary. If it wasn't for the alcohol then maybe she wouldn't have been so bold, then maybe she would've let him lead but so far he didn't seem stiff at all. Well at least not stiff in his actions, a part of him was still stiff but now Amanda wasn't sure she could take another round, she was already tender all over.

"I can't," she mumbled as he kept moving in and out of her.  
"What?" he mumbled as he hadn't heard her properly fully absorbed by a crease at the bottom of her neck that he found adorable and absolutely yummy. He stopped though as he felt her try and get out from underneath him. He longed for her the very second he slid out of her and he couldn't wipe the lovesick-puppy-dog-look off his face. He watched her back as she sat up on the bed below him. He feared she was getting up but should've known better. Instead she turned back towards him and yanked his leg a little to get him to scoot down a bit on the bed. He did as commanded, lifting his upper body up a bit with his hands and moving his hips down towards her.

He looked a bit shocked as she got her hands on his erect self. She used both hands first but then let go so one hand could massage his balls. It felt so good and it was a treat to see her there, naked on his bed, with obvious signs on her face, not to mention her ruffled hair, about the bliss she'd just experienced. He got a bit stunned again though as she met his eyes briefly just before she bent down over him and he couldn't breath as he saw her face go down behind his erect cook, her lips touching the sensitive skin between his balls and cook and then slowly working her way up to the very tip. Her eyes flashed up to meet his right before her mouth crashed down all around him and he fell back on the bed just briefly missing the headboard. He just stared up at the roof for a while as he took in the sensation of himself inside her mouth. She was good. She was really good. Her tongue worked efficiently and she was able to bring him far down her throat. What magic lamp had he rubbed this morning? Had he found a lucky coin? What had he done to deserve this?

He couldn't even remember when he got a blow job last. He'd forgotten how amazing it felt. He had to see it though and he grabbed a pillow and got it in under his head so he could still lie down but see her at the same time. She'd lied down on one side, thankfully so she faced him, and had shoved one of her hands in underneath him a little. He could feel her fingers digging in to his butt a bit. The other hand helped out to work his cock. It felt weird but amazing to see her in action. He wasn't sure what gave him most pleasure, the sensation of her going all the way down to his base or seeing her with his cock in her mouth. It was double the pleasure. He could tell her eyes watered up though and he feared for a while she was close to choking herself for his sake. He got up a little on his elbows, reached down to touch her cheek. She got her head up, swallowing hard a few times as her hand kept going up and down on him. She looked a bit… detached and he reached out again to touch her cheek and his finger swiped under her eye catching a few mascara colored teardrops.

"I'm okay," she said with a hint of a smile, "it's perfectly normal." She found his concern sweet although she mostly preferred 'sweet' to stay out of the bedroom. He still looked concerned though so she smiled wider and made a face that hopefully would persuade him. Finally he smiled and then lay back down as she continued.

He wanted to lie there the entire night, he could totally surrender to this service all night long but it seemed he wasn't in agreement with the specific part getting the service. He was soon having a hard time keeping his hips from thrusting up against her and she wasn't helping as she picked up speed. She could feel he was trying to hold it in though and keeping her hand going she tried to quickly find her voice as she looked up at him.

"I can swallow or you want to come on me?" she asked like it was the most normal thing in the world. He shook his head though, face completely pale and she got worried for him for a second.

It was just something about coming on a woman's face or even on a body. Sure he already felt as though he was in his own erotic movie but it was something so sleazy about ejaculating like that. He hadn't seen that many pornos in his life but the one he had seen it was always like that. The guy squirting all over like an animal marking his territory. She wasn't his to claim.

"I want to come inside you," he managed to say even though he was holding his breath. She looked a bit confused, wasn't swallowing coming inside of her?

"Like really inside of you," he repeated as he caught her look.

"Oh," she said and got up a bit never having lost the momentum in her hand and didn't now either. She kept going as she climbed over him and then just stopped right before she sat down on top of him. The softness and warmth reminded him off her mouth but it was really nice to be able to see her and she looked damn sexy sitting on top of him. He wanted her closer for this though and without giving her a choice he got up so he could roll her over on her back. He'd stayed inside her the entire time and he quickly found a fast and steady phase thrusting in and out of her. Her hands were resting on his lower back while he had his on either side of her head so he could really look at her. She looked a bit uncomfortable under his intense stare but at the same time she bit her lip and he could feel her walls working inside of her. He put his elbows down so he could get a little closer to her and his hands swiped over her face brushing away small strands of hair so he could get a clear sight of her. Her eyes searched for one of his hands like she had to get away from his stare but he laid down capturing her mouth and thereby forcing her to face him. He let her mouth go but every time she tried to hide her face away he caught her mouth or followed her to one side catching her eyes again. Her hands came up to capture his head and he had to smile as he could so easily see through her, she did it just to be able to push his head down to kiss her so she wouldn't have to face him. He didn't mind kissing her but he most of all wanted to see her and then there was something else he wanted.

"Can you come with me?" he asked. He was impressed he'd been able to hold it in this long but he wouldn't mind waiting even longer if they could just come at the same time. She looked close to scared as she took in his question but then nodded after just a few seconds of hesitation.

"Let me," she breathed looking down a bit and he held up so she could move her hip a little. He felt it tilting up against him and he had to capture her neck with a kiss just because he loved how she knew her body so well and perhaps also because she was willing to accommodate his wish. He kept trailing kisses up to her ear where he stopped and pushed his nose down into her ear and sniffed. He heard her giggle and it got him giggly too. He came back to face her as she was wrapping her legs up around his hip and he could feel it and also see on her face when she was ready for him to pick it up again. Again she started her little avoidance dance with her eyes, trying to get away from his but he kept pinning her eyes down only letting her get away when her eyes started to roll back in her head out of pleasure. His own eyes were starting to get blurry but he kept his mouth close to hers, breathing the same air as her.

"What you need?" he panted not caring about grammar right now as he felt himself close to release.

"Harder," she panted and then yelped as he immediately indulged her wish.

"And faster," she added quickly while she still had her voice and she dug her nails into his back. He gave her what she wanted but also knew what he wanted. He grabbed a hold of her hair, forcing her head down on the bed so he could catch her eyes. He kept going hard and fast, never letting go of her eyes, until he felt her inner walls really tightening up and the moment he felt her whole body tense up as she was about to go over the edge he let himself go too and her muscles squeezed down around him forcing him to basically roar. Her walls kept erupting along with him and he could never remember ever having been part of such an amazing sensation. He fell down panting hard, trying to get his lips on her skin but failing as he was completely washed out. He managed to roll off her though as he could feel she was just as out of breath. His hand stayed on her chest as they both ended up on their backs next to each other. He could feel her heart beating underneath his palm and he closed his eyes just feeling the rhythm as all he could hear was his own panting. Suddenly that giggly feeling washed over him again and he chuckled a bit opening his eyes back up.

"You okay?" he asked tilting his head towards her. He could feel that her heart had calmed down and his fingers had sneaked down over her breast, slowly caressing her soft nipple just because he liked the feel of it. She nodded heartily, biting down a little on her lip and shooting him a cheeky sideways glance.

"That was amazing," he said stroking some sweat off his own forehead. She had to agree. It had been. Calming down though she got an uneasy feeling in her gut. Maybe this hadn't been such a smart idea after all? Why did she always have to do this? Why did she always have to mess things up? She rolled over to her side, away from him so he wouldn't see the conflicting feelings playing over her face. It wouldn't be right to make him feel bad about it too, she had started this after all.

His hand slid off her as she rolled over and he immediately missed the touch. He looked back over at her, or more so her back now. Had she turned away from him on purpose or was she just tired? She might just be tired though, he thought to himself smiling. His hand went down to his crotch. He was definitely tired he thought smiling to himself. He'd come twice in one night. Of course he was tired, that hadn't happen for years. And she came four times right? Had he really made her come four times? He couldn't help but feel proud of himself. He looked back over at her though and hoped she felt good too. He couldn't make himself ask again. It would sound needy. He didn't want to come off needy. He instead took the time to study her back, look at the scars he'd felt. Of course there was the scar up on her shoulder, the through and through last year. It had healed nicely. On the other side of her back a little further down she had two straight scars, about an inch each. They weren't linear. It looked as though they could be knife wounds, hopefully her ribcage stopped them from being more than shallow. Even further down, were her back became her ass, and a very fine ass he had to add… his thoughts lost track as he realized what a mess his bed were.

The pillows, all but one, were shoved up towards the night stand, the single one was down by his feet for some reason he couldn't account for right now. The bedspread that had been down by the foot of the bed was nowhere to be seen. The cover was half way down on the floor and even the sheet was torn from the mattress. Signs of one wild session and it pleased him. Looking back over at her now though he wished he had something to cover her with, not that he had a problem looking at her, no he would love to keep staring at her but it just seemed like the chivalrous thing to do. She didn't seem cold though, or even uncomfortable. He loved that she seemed comfortable in just her skin. He reached for one of the pillows and put it under his head. He never slept without sleepwear and at any other time if he would, for some odd reason, find himself naked in bed he would've at least covered himself up. Right now though he had no such desire, he felt perfectly comfortable all splayed out next to her. With his eyes on her back, lit up by the soft light from the bathroom catching her blonde locks perfectly, he started to drift off to sleep.

It didn't take long though until he woke up as she got up off the bed.

"You can stay," he said hoarsely as he saw her get her top off the floor and pulling it over her head. He tried to make it sound casually and fought hard to not add what he really wanted to say. _Please stay the night. Please curl up next to me. Please be here in the morning so I can kiss you in the morning rays. Please spend the night so I can make you breakfast in the morning. _

"Nah," she said as she squatted down by the bed to try and find the rest of her clothes. She had some faint memory of her bra going down the same way as her top.

He got up a little, grabbing for the sheet to be able to cover himself up a bit.

"I don't think walking into the squad room tomorrow in the same outfit would be such a hit," she added as she got up to search elsewhere for the remainder of her garments. She found her bra but just held on to it as she found a sock and got that one on instead. He handed her the other sock as he spotted it on the bed and she gave him an awkward thanks as she took it from him. He could tell her eyes tried to avoid his. He wasn't sure what to say. He didn't want this to feel awkward for her.

"You want me to drive you home?" he asked to try and keep it civil. She'd found her jeans but she couldn't find her panties and just started to get her jeans on without them. It wouldn't be the first time she got home late without panties. She was such a slut.

"I don't think you should get behind a wheel either, but thanks," she said shoving down her bra in her back pocket. He tried to hide his smile but something about the idea of her getting in to a cab with her bra in her pocket made him feel giddy. He'd been the one who removed it in the first place.

She gave up on finding her panties and just rose back up trying to sort through her hair a little with her fingers.

"If you," she started and gestured around the bed a little, "If you find my… panties… just… toss them okay." He was getting up off the bed with the sheet around his hip but she put her hand up in the air.

"No, stay, I can find my way out," she said quickly, "and… well thanks." She had already turned and before he could get a word out she was already through the bedroom door. He was left a bit stunned on the bed and all he could really do was listening for the door to close and with that she was gone. He looked around a little feeling a bit lost and… well lonely. He pulled up the cover from the floor and tossing it back up on the bed her panties, or more so strings, came tumbling out. He just looked at them for a while, a sad reminder of what a price he'd just had in his bed but lost. He grabbed them and laid back down looking at them in his hand. He rolled over to the side, reaching out to touch the bed where she'd just been. It was still a bit warm and he moved over there to keep some of her there, or at least some of her warmth. He pulled the cover over himself hugging her panties close to his chest. No one saw him so he didn't care how silly it looked. With her undergarments in a tight grip and her previous presence felt all over and inside his body he drifted off to sleep.

**She beat him** to the station the following morning and he didn't get a chance to talk to her as Liv called him in immediately. He only had the chance to say good morning to her and she answered with the same breezy morning and the same smile. He wasn't sure what he had hoped for but perhaps something else, something more. Liv wanted a short briefing on a case they just closed, apparently Barba had called wanting some more background and Nick would have to write it up for him. Nick just agreed to everything so he could get back outside as soon as possible.

Both Liv and Nick spotted Fin walking in with a pair of sunglasses on though and Liv shot Nick an amused look before she headed out.

"Don't tell me," she said trying to not sound too amused. She really had no problem with a slight hung-over they had after all had a however brief rendezvous with Munch last night but she was the boss now so she had to act as the boss.

"Just tell me you and Rollins can head over to Memorial to talk to a potential victim," she said holding out a post-it to her shade covered detective.

"I can go with her," Nick jumped in quickly hoping for a chance to talk with Amanda. Liv shot him a look but then shook her head.

"No, you better get on that case Barba wants, it sounded urgent but what doesn't sound urgent when it comes to him?" Liv walked back into his office though and Nick threw Amanda a sad look. She had her head turned away though trying to get Fin moving.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked though following them as she'd gotten Fin back up from his chair. He tried to keep his voice down but Fin glanced over his shoulder at him. It was hard to know what he thought because of the shades.

"Yeah, why shouldn't I be?" she said flippant though and just hurried by Fin. Fin kept looking at Nick who sat down at his desk quickly. Had last night just been a dream? He knew it hadn't been. He still had the marks of her nails on his back. The memory of her taste, of her sounds, how her body had felt under his touch, they were all too vivid to be just a dream. It had been _like_ a dream though. The most incredible, raunchy sensation he'd ever experienced. And he didn't want it to be just a dream. He wanted more. He wanted more of her. He wanted her.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank u so much for the reviews, I treasure them so very much. As for this chapter - hang on to your lady parts cause more smut is coming your way and then hold on to your hats (wigs, crowns &/or tiaras) cause drama is on the horizon. Have fun.

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**Chapter 2**

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The rest of the week just flew by with a new case taking all their time and effort. They had Sunday off and Nick had Zara that weekend so he was occupied but his thoughts drifted to his blonde squad member ever so often. Zara even called him out on not paying attention as they played a game. Several times he found himself checking his phone hoping for a missed call from her. A few times he even got her number up and contemplated calling. He thought about what to say and even tried it out in front of the mirror once as he visited the toilet.

"Hi, I was just wondering what you were up to on your day off," he tried saying casually but it still came out sounding silly. It wasn't like he'd ever just called her up so why now? Because they just had the most amazing, head spinning sex he'd ever had and he wanted more of it.

"Yeah try that, why don't you. Your daughter's in the next room but you still want to screw your partner's brains out," he sighed to himself in the mirror. The very next second he knocked his electrical toothbrush off the washbowl as his daughter called out 'dad' right outside the door.

"What Zara?" he asked scrambling the things off the floor.  
"Who you're talking to in there?"  
"Uhm no one sweetie, I'll be right out," he said feeling totally busted.

**A week passed** and he wasn't sure what annoyed him most – if it was them not bringing up what had happen even though they had a few moments to do so or the fact she seemed just perfectly fine with not talking about it at all. It didn't help that she was constantly on his mind. He could focus rather well at work but the minute he got off shift she was in his head. He had to admit he had very graphic dreams about her, waking up with a hard on and a very vivid image of her naked body in front of his eyes. He had two photos of her in his phone. The first one was just her standing down by a pond in Central Park, it was from last summer as they went there to look for this homeless guy they hoped would've witness a crime they were investigating.

He'd been on the phone with Liv about something and he'd just caught Amanda in this beautiful light as she vacantly looked around. He wasn't even sure why he'd taken the picture and had a hard time explaining it as she'd caught him so the next photo was of her in almost the exact spot but with her finger in the air. It was actually even prettier than the first one, the annoyed face she was giving him and flipping him the bird was just her being her cocky self. He loved it. He was happy he'd kept those photos on his phone. He'd been looking at them a lot lately and the first one, with her head turn slightly away, he felt embarrassed about it but he'd actually looked at it while masturbating last night. He knew he was obsessing and he knew he had to talk to her or it would get totally out of control if it wasn't already.

He'd overheard her tell Fin she was grabbing a class at her gym so she couldn't grab a bite after work. He knew her gym, they'd discussed bad and good gyms around town a while back and she'd talked good about hers. He decided to go by. He parked his car a block away and hoped to just be able to say he'd been in the neighborhood when they ran into each other. He got cold feet several times but managed to stay put and he spotted her car down the street knowing she had to be there. It didn't take that long until he spotted her walking out, still in her gym clothes and still a bit sweaty but he wasn't looking at that as they company she had drew his attention more.

"Hey," he called out wanting her attention. She looked a bit stunned looking up and seeing him there but then quickly looking to her side feeling embarrassed.

"What's he doing here?" Nick asked aiming at the man walking two steps behind her. Nate. The bad kind of sponsor. The 13th stepper.

"What are _you_ doing here?" she countered quickly though not liking the tone in his voice.

"Never mind that, I asked you a question," Nick said with obvious irritation.

"Hey there," Nate said stepping up next to her, "I'm Nate." He had a coffee mug in each hand but swopped them over so he could extend his hands towards Nick. Nick just looked at it with as much disgust he could gather and that wasn't hard to do right now.

"We've actually met," Nick said dryly without taking the gross hand and instead turned back to Amanda wanting an answer.

"Go home Nick," she said and started just walking past him. Nick met Nate's eyes for a brief moment but as it looked as Nate was taking off after her Nick got moving, catching up to her before the cheating bastard could.

"Amanda," he said trying to grab a hold of her.

"Nick," she just answered pulling herself away from him as she continued towards the car.

"What are you doing with him?" he asked keeping his voice down a little as he knew Nate was following them.

"What is it to you?" she asked obviously annoyed by him just being there. Nick tried to scrambled his brain what on earth she would be doing keeping this douche around.

"Do you owe him money?" he asked with an even more discreet voice. Amanda stopped in the middle of the street, took a step to face him and just gave him a look of utter… discontent was the only word that came to Nick's mind and he felt a bit bad but was too upset right now to display that on his face. Nate had stopped a few feet away and Amanda turned her head slightly hoping he wouldn't hear what she was about to say.

"Yes I'm working of my debt on my back," she said callously. It came out just as coldhearted as she'd aimed it to sound, shot him a fierce look and then kept walking. Nick stayed put while Nate hurried to catch up to her, shooting Nick a silly grin as he passed. Nate handed her one of the coffee mugs before they reached her car and then he hurried around to get in on the passenger side. Amanda got in behind the wheel and took off without once looking Nick's way. He was left in the middle of the street feeling an odd mix of disgust and longing.

**The following day** none of them said hi as their shift started at noon but it wasn't such a big deal since she came in alongside Fin, and Liv immediately called all three of them in to her office. A few new leads had surfaced overnight on their ongoing case and she briefed them. She sent them all out together to check them out and Fin noticed something was up as both Nick and Amanda went for the passenger door of his car and ended up in a silent starring match that Amanda eventually won when Nick sighed and stepped over to the back door.

Fin shot Amanda a questionable look as she had a seat but she just shook her head at him. The ride to their first destination went quiet and Fin turned the music, his kind of music, on to drown out whatever it was going on between his partner and Nick.

Somehow they got through the day and they managed to work rather well next to each other for at least the rest of the shift. Fin said night to Nick, who was still at his desk with his head in paperwork. Nick shot him a quick nod and then stretched out his back. He felt like going home too and this paperwork could wait. Liv had already headed out but he hadn't seen Amanda for a while. Her desk looked empty so he figured he'd missed her or she'd sneaked out unseen by choice. He didn't blame her. He had no right stalking her like that and an even less right to call her out on her private life. They'd slept together after a few drinks. He couldn't hold her to anything. He had no right to ask for anything. He pushed himself out from his desk and walked down to the cribs to get something from his locker before he headed out.

Walking in, spotting her, something moved in his gut. He wasn't sure if it was the sight of her bare back as she was just putting on a new top on but he figured it was more guilt over the harsh look she shot him over her shoulder when she heard him come in and then how quickly she covered herself up looking away again.

"Sorry didn't know you were in here," he said quickly once he'd decided to not walk straight out. He closed the door behind him and walked up to his locker. She hadn't responded but he glanced her way, watched her gather her hair up in a lose bun.

"No," he said suddenly and turned to her with his hand still on his locker door, "what I really want to say is sorry for yesterday." She shot him a look, it was far from harsh, looked more insecure but she straighten herself up quickly not wanting to forgive him so easily.

"I was out of line. I shouldn't even have been there in the first place." He really wanted her to see just how sorry he was for his action, and the clumsy things he said.

"It's okay," she said quickly deciding she didn't want to make him suffer, she was partly at blame here after all, she shouldn't have bedded him in the first place. She should know better than to mix business with pleasure. Nick felt a bit relieved and kept his eyes on her as she pushed her top down her jeans. It hadn't been that long ago that the fight they had in here ended a whole lot differently. Then she'd rushed out after calling him out on a lot of things when all he wanted was for her to realize what a douche Nate was. That fact hadn't changed though. He thought she knew by now what a douche Nate was. What on earth was she doing with him after everything that went on during that Lena trial. He couldn't imagine how humiliating that would've had to been for her. He hated Nate for putting her through that.

"But really…" he just couldn't help himself, "What are you doing with him?" She shot him a brief glance before she got her jacket out of her locker and started to put it on. He had hoped for an answer but he started to think none was coming when she suddenly spoke;

"I'm not _with_ him," she said with her normal tone of voice. He waited for more and she could tell once she caught his eyes.

"He just showed up yesterday okay? Brought my favorite coffee, how could I say no?" she changed her mind quickly though, this was no time for jokes, Nick deserved the plain truth.

"No but seriously he did show up, and with coffee but it was just cause a couple of weeks ago… before I… went down the drain again," she had to take a breath, it wasn't easy to admit or even talk about all that. Still a lot of mixed emotions were left to deal with but as usual she'd just tried to put it behind her without dealing with them.

"I… was in need of money and I was stupid enough to turn to him. I guess he thought he owed me, I dunno… maybe. Any way it left me feeling like I owed him instead and we…" She bit down on her lip and he wished he could make it all better for her so when her eyes went by him he just nodded like he got it, she didn't have to say it out loud.

"I've paid him back though and I made him understand, well I _thought_ I made him understand that was it. No more. Ever. But then he's been showing up…"

"He's stalking you?" Nick asked concern but the look she gave him told him he was throwing stones in a glasshouse and he settled down.

"No, it's not like that. I think. Just twice last week and then yesterday and you didn't really… help to prove my point to him. I just gave him a ride back to his bar though and that was it. Oh but I did keep the coffee."

He chuckled a little and it made her smile.

"Well you let me know if you want help to get him off your back. I would not mind punching his stupid little hat off," Nick said getting back into his locker.

"What's with you guys hating on his hat?" Amanda said shaking her head as she closed her locker.

"What?" Nick asked closing his locker too.

"Nothing," she said quickly and was about to leave but then turned around.

"And in case you..." she must be nuts for what she was about to say but she just wanted him to not have to worry in case he did, "I mean I used a condom with him so when we... I mean you don't have to worry about..."

"I'm not," he reassured her and to let her not have to say it out loud. It hadn't crossed his mind but he found it sweet, awkward but also sweet of her to want to calm him. It wasn't like he'd been out there on the field for a while but he knew the risks with casual sex. He just didn't want to think about his encounter with Amanda as casual sex, he wanted it to have been more. For both of them.

"I usually use... protection but with... you..." she was rambling and just wished she'd shut up all along.

"Choir boy?" he smiled and it was her time to chuckle a little. She shrugged slightly. She actually wasn't sure why she hadn't used a condom with him, she usually insisted on that since she knew the risks. It was just something about him that made her feel safe and not in need of… a protective layer. She realized he was watching her and she bit down on her lip a bit nervously. She shot him a brief smile and then turned to get out of there.

"Amanda just…" he said getting her to turn back around, "don't sell yourself short." She raised her eyebrow at him.

"You deserve better," he said to make it clear if he hadn't been the first time.

"Like a choir boy? Don't you think that's setting my aim a bit too high though?" she smiled with that cheeky look on her face again.

"Don't call me that," Nick smiled, "You don't want to hear me try to sing. And if you're aiming at me being catholic then don't you think I proved last week I'm pretty much a Godsend?"

"Ohh," Amanda smiled but had to turn her face down a bit as she feared she might blush. He caught her stroking a strand of hair behind her ear though, a tell tail of hers. He hadn't meant to joke this away though, it was important that she knew she deserved more than a douche like Nate.

"Amanda you can never set your aim too high, you deserve the best," Nick said it as seriously as he could hoping she would really get it this time.

When she looked up there was something in her eyes, something he couldn't read. For a few seconds there was just this intensity between them but then she rapidly took the few steps, closing the gap between them and he barely had time to prepare himself for the impact as she crashed into his arms and on to his lips. He found himself quickly though, tongue coming out to greet hers, hands moving in underneath her jacket, down over her jeans clad ass. Her hands were scratching his scalp and she pushed herself up against him in a far from abstinent way. He did not mind one bit though and happily helped her rub up against him with both his hands grabbing on to her ass. Soon kissing her wasn't enough and he pushed himself off the locker and almost lifted her towards the closest bunk. Knowing she wouldn't be able to control herself if they got down on the bunk though Amanda managed to pull herself away from him.

"Not here," she panted quickly as she could see his sad face. His face quickly got excited again. She tried to think.

"Your car is out in the lot right?" she asked as she thought she'd seen it earlier parked in the very back. He nodded.

"Okay I'll meet you there in a minute, I just need the bathroom," she said straightening her jacket. She fought to not give him another kiss before she walked out, he just looked so damn excited it was too cute.

Nick let a few seconds pass, like five, before he walked out after her but took right to walk straight out to the car. He jumped in behind the wheel and sat back just trying to take a deep breath to calm down. Where would she want to go? His place or would she invite him over? He would love to see her place he thought to himself but then Zara's car seat caught his attention and he close to ripped it up and tossed it in the back. He turned his attention back to the station house. He was worried she wouldn't come, that she would change her mind and ditch him.

Amanda leaned against the wash bowl looking at herself in the mirror. _Was this really a good idea? What was going on? Why did she all of a sudden have the hots for Nick?_ Fin had called her out in the past for jumping in the sack with any guy that treated her just remotely nice but she'd brushed it off cause she knew for a fact she just didn't jump in the sack with nice guys, she'd bedded many guys that treated her far from nicely. She enjoyed sex and she wouldn't apologize for it. But doing the deed with Nick maybe wasn't the best idea. What would happen when she screwed it up? Cause let's face it she always screwed things up in the end.

Nick drummed the steering wheel feeling thrilled and aroused. He straighten his pants a bit and caught himself smiling in the back mirror. _What was it about her that drove him nuts? And why hadn't they thought of this years ago? _He chuckled. She had officially lured him down a dirty gutter and there were no other place he'd like to be right now. He felt both relieved and excited as he saw her walking out. She'd taken her jacket off, it dangled loosely in her hand. She looked so damn sexy walking over the parking lot keeping her eyes on everything but the car she was headed straight towards. Her jeans were tight in all the right places and the late night sun made her hair look like gold. He got the keys in the engine ready to take off when she got in. She came up to his door though and opened it. He had no idea what she was looking at.

Amanda sized up the space but realized it was too cramped and shook her head.

"What?" he asked anxiously.

"Get in the back," she said letting go off the door.

"Huh?" he asked confused but then a big grin spread across his face. Was she suggesting what he thought she was suggesting?

"Get in the back," she repeated with a demanding voice losing patient rapidly. She wasn't sure when she'd been this horny last, it even had been hard peeing because she was so sensitive. It felt as though her body itched just longing to be touched by him. He jumped out only to jump back in in the back seat. She tossed her jacket in the front and then slammed the door shut throwing a glance back over at the station hoping no one had eyes on them before she jumped in after him. The back windows were tanned so she figured they would be rather safe back there, it just had to do, she couldn't wait a second longer.

Nick had just sat down in the middle of the seat, tossing Zara's seat back in the front. Amanda climbed over him once she'd shut the door and she straddled him. Her mouth got immediately over his. The kiss got heated quickly as she more or less ripped his shirt up out of his pants. He'd gotten her hair out of the bun as he wanted to feel it against his skin. Without letting go of his mouth she started getting her shoes off. Thankfully she had sneakers on and not boots this time around so she got done quickly. He meanwhile tried to get his jacket off. She started on his belt and when he got his jacket off he went for her pants.

"Get yours," she finally said as she separated from his lips, it was taking too long. She got up on her feet, one on each side of him and pressed her back to the car roof. He had to chuckle as he looked up at her, hair dangling down over him. It was good she was petite.

"Shut up and get your pants down," she said but he could tell she sounded amused too.

"Yes mam," he said unzipping his flyer so he could hitch down his pants and boxers. In any other company he might have felt embarrassed he was already aroused but with her he felt perfectly natural and even stroke himself a few times as he watched her get undressed. She'd gotten her own jeans unzipped and pulled them down along with her panties. He had time to think she better keep track of them this time, he didn't want his daughter finding them. He chuckled to himself until he lost focus as her exposed center was right in front of him and he had to reach out to touch the inside of her thigh. He didn't want to be crude and touch her straight on but even that touch had her gasping a bit. She was balancing on one leg to get rid her pants of all together. She was surprised herself how easily she'd gotten her pants off but then just his slightest touch got her a little unbalanced and even more so as he leaned in to place a kiss on her mound. Her free hand got tangled in his hair as she dropped her pants with the other. He took it as a sign he was allowed to and he got his mouth a little further in between her legs.

His hands caressed the outside of her toned legs but then one found its way up in-between. Her legs started trembling as fingers found their way in between her folds and she felt unable to remain standing. She sat down finding his mouth with hers and his cock with her hand. She brought him inside of her quickly and wasted no time starting to ride him. She folded her arms around his neck and held him tight. His hands found their way in underneath her shirt and he carefully let his short nails slide down her back. He could tell she liked it so he repeated it a few more times before one of his hands had to make its way around her body so he could get in underneath her bra to mess a little with those perky nipples of hers.

They both needed to breath a bit and Nick tried to catch her eyes in the dim light of the car but again she tried hiding herself by staying close to him. He took the opportunity to taste her neck and got both hands inside her bra so he could play with both nipples at the same time. He loved hearing her small gasps every time he pinched them. She bit down on his earlobe and got into a faster pace. He wrapped his arms around her again as he felt himself losing a bit of control, he wanted them to come together again as he figured this might be the only round tonight.

"How can I..." was the only thing he managed to say but it was all he had to say.

"Lie down," she said pulling him over to one side a bit. He slid easily down the seat and got his legs up behind her. She remained straddling him, now with one leg bent between him and the seat and the other foot down on the car floor. She leaned back a bit holding on to the seat they were on with one hand and the other one grabbed on to the front seat as she tried to find the position that would work best for her. He watched her in awe, she was so beautiful and he had to admit he found it so sexy that the entire car must be rocking by now. He realized he could get access to her clit at the position they were in and he wasted no time to get his fingers on it. It seemed to help her a long a little faster and he felt pleased he had the ability to turn her on. He was finding it harder and harder to hold it in though and he felt a need to set his own pace. He grabbed a hold of her top and wheeled her in until she was laying down on him. He got his hips in motion thrusting up against her.

"Grab my hair," she panted against his ear and he did, as hard as he dared to not hurt her. He felt her get her hand down between them and she worked her own clit hard to catch up to him. He thrusted hard and rapidly, the sound of their bodies slamming together drove him insane and just as he felt as he was losing the battle to wait for her she came hard and rather unexpectedly. He let go and for several minutes he rode a high close to euphoria and he held her tight through it all. When they were both able to relax they just stayed there for a while. He played around in her hair with one hand and let the other one draw small circles in the sweat down by the end of her spine as he listen to her breathing and felt her heart beat close to his own. He wanted the moment to last forever but he already knew she would soon move and tried to not feel too disappointed when she started to stir. She repaid his smile with a shy one as she climbed off him and he pulled himself up and over so she could get some space on the seat. He got her pants up off the floor as they were closer to him and she took them from him, again with that shy smile. He got his pants pulled back up but didn't bother to tuck the shirt in and then tried to keep his eyes to himself as she was still getting her pants on.

"You want to come home with me?" he asked as she was getting her hair back up in a bun, "or grab some late dinner?" He didn't want her to think he was just after more sex.

"Nah I have to be somewhere," she said straighten her shirt as she was done with her hair.

"Oh," he said trying not to sound too disappointed even if he was. He worried she was seeing Nate even though she'd told him it was nothing like that between them any longer.

She was actually going to try and catch a GA meeting. One with not Nate present as he was no longer her sponsor. She hadn't found another one though, most members were men, the women in her group were usually younger and unfortunately didn't seem to stay around for long. She could really use a sponsor though, she wanted to stay on the right track this time around, she had a lot to proof to others and to herself.

"I better head out," she said quickly so there wouldn't be an awkward silence. They both had a look outside and when they spotted no one they stepped out on either side of the car. He got in the front to grab her jacket and handed it to her as she came walking around the car.

"Thanks," she said getting it on as it was a bit chilly now that the sun had set. He reached in to help her fix her collar but she flinched a bit and he slowed down. She looked around a bit as he got her collar out and mumbled another thanks when he was done.

"So I see you tomorrow," she said as that awkward silence seemed to be approaching them again.

"Okay, bye," he said at her back as she headed across the lot to her own car.

He couldn't help but stare at her ass as she walked away. _I'm tapping that_ he thought to himself with a big grin on his face. He'd never seen himself as a player but this was certainly increasing his rep. He wasn't sure it was the rep he wanted though. He wanted more of her, it was no point denying it. Not to himself at least. He wanted to talk to her. Wanted to get to know more about her. Help her through her issues with gambling. Wanted to be her rock and support. _Would she ever let him or was this it?_ He heard her car start and realized he had to jump back inside his or she would catch him still lingering. He jumped inside and got his car in gear. He drove out and ended up right behind her as she was still waiting for a car to pass. She blinked his way and he followed her for two blocks. By the next red lights though she used her blinkers to signal away from the way he was going. For a few seconds he contemplated following her. He feared she was going gambling or even worse, getting together with Nate. He tried to bite the worries down though and just sat still as she drove off. A car honked behind him and he turned his wheel the opposite way.

**Again no one** said anything the following day, or the days to come, about what had happened. New cases rolled in and they got swamped, having to focus on work. Back home alone in his apartment though his thoughts went to her and one night he dared to call her. She didn't pick up though and he got all crazy thoughts in his head where she could be or with who. He knew he had to stop that. He couldn't get possessive off her already, not ever in fact. He figured someone like Amanda wouldn't stand for it. He decided to send her a text. He wrote _'Just wanted to talk, call if you have time. Nick_'. He was happy he sent it even if she never texted back.

**Two weeks passed** with just lots of work and no time for play. Or to be honest Nick had Zara for an entire week and his mother were around too so he had to keep himself in line for that week at least. The following week though he started to feel a buildup he couldn't ignore, something in his gut that just made him want to be near her. He build up some courage to approach her and caught her just as she was heading out with Fin to interview a witness.

"You want to come around after work?" he asked keeping his voice down so no one else would overhear. He'd made sure no one was around though. She tried to act cool but had to look around a bit to make sure no one was watching them.

"Your place?" she asked after she'd brought up her hand to her upper lip to scratch an itch that wasn't there. She shot him a look from underneath her bangs and he nodded trying to act casual too.

"I'm not sure when we'll be done though," she said turning her head away still scratching that nonexistent itch.

"Just text me when you're on your way," he suggested not wanting her to have a reason to back out. He watched her as her eyes focused in on something in the distant, it looked as though she was contemplating pros and cons and he bit the inside of his cheek to not try and win her over by saying something stupid.

"Okay," she said without looking his way but he could see she'd bit down on her lip as her hand dropped. She turned and walked out and he couldn't help but grin a bit as he watched her ass turn the corner. He looked around to make sure no one had seen him.

Once Liv let him go he hurried home. The plan had just been to tidy up a bit but then he'd stopped on his way home to get them some food and somehow he ended up setting a table. He put out the fancy cloth, two plates, two wine glasses, a bottle of red that went with the meat dish. Napkins on the plates and suddenly he had two candles on the table. He put the food in the oven to keep it warm and then went in to change his shirt. He put a bit too much aftershave on and ended up wiping some off with a towel. He sighed at himself in the mirror, with a smile though. He was really looking forward to her coming over and when he heard his phone make the sound for a received text he hurried to it. He got a bit too excited as he saw her name on his display and even happier when he read 'five minutes out'. He texted a simple 'ok' since he couldn't come up with anything right now that didn't sound corny.

He fixed his outfit and then went to check on the food. He wished he had time to make her something for scratch but at least he knew it was her favorite kind of meat. Hopefully he'd be able to cook for her sometime in the near future. He corked up the wine and poured some. He thought about removing the candles but then thought 'what the heck' and lit them. He turned off some lights and brought the food out. Just when he'd put the boxes on each plate, it looked a bit tacky but it just had to work, the doorbell rang. He hurried over to the door but then took a second to take a deep breath. _Amaro tranquilo_, he thought to himself with his palm pressed to the door.

Amanda had tried to play it cool walking out of the station house to join her partner down the hall earlier that day but she couldn't pretend she had a bit of butterflies in her stomach. She'd missed his touch, his... well let's just say many parts of him. They'd been really busy at work and she'd put in extra hours just trying to prove to Liv she was willing to pay her dues. Outside work she'd been out running a lot, it was always nice to get back out once the weather got warmer. He'd been on her thoughts a bit. That first night had been just awesome but then he had to go all weird on her and typically he'd caught her with Nate. Nate had stayed away after that day though, hopefully gotten the hint as she dropped him off outside his bar instead of taking him home as he'd requested. And then there was the car incident. That had been... fun.

"What you smiling about?" Fin asked having caught her in the car as they were driving over to the witness.

"Nothing," she said quickly looking out the window to hide the possible blush that spread over her cheeks.

"You're acting strange, are you sure things are okay?" Fin asked. He was worried she would slip up again. He knew things weren't okay between his partner and Liv and he would just hate for things to get worse between them.

"I'm okay," she said but kept looking out the window. Fin sighed. He wasn't sure what to think, he'd just caught her smiling to herself but for most parts lately she was quiet and thoughtful, not her talkative self. He feared something was on her mind. And he was right. At least right now, Nick was on her mind and seeing him tonight. They couldn't find this witness soon enough.

It would take a while though. The witness wasn't at the address they'd been given and then he'd left his last employment. Finally they tracked him down at his sister's house and he ended up having some vital information after all so it wasn't a waste of time. Fin said he'd drive her home once they were done but she asked to be taken back to the station, she wanted to get her car and she couldn't ask him to drop her off at Nick's. Or could she? She kept biting her lip on the ride back and it didn't go unnoticed by Fin.

"Okay tell me what's up?" he said losing patience.

"I slept with Nick," she said quickly to not chicken out. Fin, completely stunned, turn his head towards her with eyes big as plates. She kept cool and finally just gestured to the street since the car was going into the next lane. Fin swayed back.

"When?" he asked not able to hide the slight amusement on his voice. He should've known.

"That night we met Munch," she said and then rolled her eyes as Fin shot her a wide grin.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"It's none of your business." Fin stayed quiet for a bit but then started to snicker.

"So he was that good," Fin teased.

"Shut up," she said looking out the front of the car but couldn't keep a smile off her face.

"Oh c'mon it had to been mind-blowing if it's still on your mind. You've been like a space cadet ever since."

She made a face at him and then slapped his arm when he kept grinning like a fool. She shook her head at him as he chuckled and then turned her eyes outwards again. She knew he could keep it up forever if she let him so she tried to ignore him. They drove under silence for a while but she could feel him glancing over every chance he got.

"But please tell me it was a onetime thing," he said as they got closer to the station.

"Maybe a two time thing," she said without looking at him.

"Manda," he complained and this time not with such amusement.

"What?" she said as he kept moaning.

"We're talking about Nick Amaro Manda, mr Serious. Mr Catholic. One time and he probably thought of marrying you. Two times? He's expecting you to bare his children."

"It's not like that," she retorted as they drove in to the station's lot.

"No? So you hooked up twice and that's that? No expectations? No repercussions? Just sex." She nodded and just gave him a matter of fact look.

"We're talking about Nick Amaro?" he asked though and she gave him another look and then had to chuckle as he shivered overly dramatically. He parked next to her car.

"So twice uh? He must be good then?" She shrugged her shoulders a bit as she reached for the door.

"Oh c'mon tell me," he pleaded.

"Maybe I'll tell you tomorrow," she winked at him as she jumped out.

"You're hooking up again?" he asked shocked but she'd already slammed the door shut.

"Manda," he said while rolling the passenger door window down. She was unlocking her car but turned to look at him.

"Just be careful okay," he said and tried to stay serious for a change.

"Yes dad," she said rolling her eyes a bit but did appreciate his concern.

"Night," she said giving him a small wave before she shut her door.

She drove out before him not wanting to waste any more time. On the drive over though Fin's words started to go around her head. Marriage? Kids? He couldn't be thinking that right? That was nuts. It was just sex. Lust. She wasn't in love or anything. Amanda Rollins didn't fall in love. Love was for suckers. It never ended well. She'd seen many examples of how love screwed people over, some from own experience but most from her mom and her many boyfriends during Amanda's childhood. No, love wasn't for Amanda Rollins. Nick couldn't be expecting love could he? She tried to shake the thoughts off putting on the radio blasting some good 'ol southern tunes on to try and relax. It would just be this one time, third time's the charm right and then she was done. She would have to go back to one-night-stands for a while until she could find someone reliable she could revisit. She needed a new Nate. Nick couldn't be a Nate, Fin was right, Nick would be too messy. Parking outside his house that's what she'd decided but as she reached the door all she could think about was just how amazing it would be to be back in his bed.

"Hi," he smiled as he opened the door and she gave him one back.

"Things go okay with the witness?" he asked to try and keep it casual as he gestured her inside.

"Yeah, he…" she started but got a little distracted as he stepped up behind her to help her get her jacket off. She shot him a glance over her shoulder and wasn't sure if she was supposed to say thanks or tip him or something as he slid the jacket off her.

"He was helpful," she just finished not knowing exactly what else to say. She slid her sneakers off and stepped in after he'd again gestured her in.

"That's good," he said following her inside.

"Fin thinks…" she started but then stopped the second she saw the candlelit table for two. She even backed up a step making Nick close to crash in to her back as he hadn't paid attention. It sounded like she tried to say something but all he heard was her deep inhale as she couldn't let the table go with her eyes.

"I thought we could eat first," he said sensing her apprehension. She just looked at him, speechless for a few long seconds but then she started to shake her head.

"No that's not…" she started not knowing exactly how to finish, "…not what we…" She just couldn't finish the sentence. She felt a bit of panic building up in her chest.

"But you must be hungry, why not just eat?" he tried feeling like he really wanted to just talk to her for a while. Her face told him she was reluctant and she even took a step back and now he felt a bit of panic.

"I'll just put it away, okay?" he said grabbing the boxes off the plates, hurrying into the kitchen silently swearing at himself for just assuming she wanted to have dinner with him. But why wouldn't she? What was the harm with eating first? He started to build up a bit of tension in his gut as he put the boxes back in the still warm oven.

Meanwhile Amanda dared to at least approach the table that at initial look had seemed so threatening to her. She felt in need of some of that wine so she helped herself to some at the same time as she put out one of the candles with her bare fingers. She didn't even wet them so it did sting a bit but she didn't mind right now.

"I helped myself to some," she said when he came back dangling the wine glass between two fingers.

"Be my guest," he said not being able to hide the disappointment as he added, "the bottle is ruined anyway." He picked up the other glass and emptied it in one go. She did the same peeking a bit at him through the glass.

"Want some more?" he asked, still with some aggravation to his voice so she shook her head. Part of her told her to just get out of there while she could while the other part really wanted to stay and screw him. She had a pretty good idea which voice was the angel and which one was the devil on her shoulder. As usual the devil won though and she started moving towards his bedroom.

She walked a little sideways so she could keep glancing at him a bit. The angel on her shoulder was really trying to get her to listen to the alarm bells but the devil in her really liked that fire she saw in his eyes and she couldn't ignore the sensation starting to build up between her legs. His bedroom looked about the same, not that she had such a good look at it a few weeks ago though. He'd unfolded the cover, left some background lights on. The bed looked a bit too tidy to not have been a bit prepared for this and she bit her lip feeling like a bad girl for not playing into his expectations of the evening. But she'd never said yes to dinner? _Or had she?_ She thought she said yes to hooking up though, nothing more, or less. They worked together. Liv already hated her. Two of her detectives dating wasn't the brightest idea, or maybe not even allowed. Not that she could fall more out of Liv's grace but Nick would probably steep down a deep ravine if Liv found out he was hooking up with the bad seed of the squad. She took a deep breath trying to push the thoughts out of her head.

"So you still want to do this?" she asked spinning around. It felt like she had to make sure but perhaps she had to answer that question herself too.

"Yeah, it's why you're here right?" he said, again she thought she could hear that touch of bitterness in his voice. She wasn't sure though and she pulled up her top and then started to unbutton it. He had stopped a few steps from her and so far had only been watching her with that intense, a bit of fiery, look in his eyes. Suddenly he got going though, grabbed both his shirt and tank and close to ripped them over his head. Her gut tingled just seeing his bare chest and all she wanted to do was dig her nails into it. She got a bit startled though as he moved in quickly.

He managed to open up his belt during the three steps he needed to reach her. She hadn't even finished unbuttoning her shirt and he interrupted her as he with the last step bent down a little so he could catch her mouth on the way up. Her hands landed on his bare chest but he swiped them off to each side so he could pull her in closer to him. His mouth was eager, a bit more aggressive than the other two times. His hands went up her back. He grabbed a hold of her hair with one hand, harder than he'd ever done before but Amanda wouldn't have complained if something inside her didn't tell her to be careful. His other hand went down to her ass, latching on between her legs and she felt herself lifted up and dragged towards the bed. Whatever warning bell that had gone off were now squashed by arousal. He got her down on the bed and his touch, smell, taste all washed away any concern she had earlier.

Now _he_ felt doubt though. He didn't like the rage he felt inside, the rage that made him handle her like this. And he certainly didn't like that it aroused him. He let her go and lifted himself up a bit over her so he could watch her. She leaned up after him and caught his lips. _Why did she like this? Why did she let him treat her like this?_ He didn't like it but he was aroused and she helped him get even more so rubbing her thigh up against his erection.

He moved his hand up over her body and he felt her arch up against it. He pushed his hand inside her shirt, tore a button out while doing it and he harshly grabbed a hold of one of her breasts. She inhaled just as harshly and latched on to his mouth. She liked this new side of him even if it did scare her a bit too. She liked to be in control but didn't mind being… conquered at times. In bed was the only place she didn't mind losing some control, in fact some of her best experiences had been while being close to violated. She liked a man who could take control of her, she knew she wasn't easy to subdue. And as long as she didn't think about it too much it was okay, no one had to know her sick side right. It was no one else's business.

Well except for the one you were with and this one was manhandling her breast a little too much for her liking right now so she tried to roll them over. She would be able to get his hands working other parts if she just got on top. But he didn't budge. At least he let her breast go though as he instead used his hand to shove down her shoulder in the bed again. She tried to get out from underneath his mouth even though she liked how their tongues assaulted each other right now. Again though he didn't let her get away and almost shoved his tongue down her throat a little too far.

His thoughts were still spinning inside his head. This was wrong but she seemed to like it and his cock seemed to like it. _Why?_ He let his body take over as he was trapped in his mind. He wanted to make love to her, he wanted her to let him love her but all she wanted was sex and it made him feel… used. And why did he feel a need to punish her for that?

His hands had gone down between them and he got working on her belt. She didn't mind quick or fast but now that warning bell made itself known again. She tried getting her hands on his chest to push him off but then he grabbed her wrists and pinned them back down on the bed. She probably wouldn't have mind if it was someone else, perhaps it even would've turned her back on again, but this was Nick. This was someone she had to look in the eyes tomorrow and every following day in the squad room. This wasn't just something she could hide in the back of her closet, wash off with a shower or run a few miles to forget. This she had to face. She pushed her head to one side, forcing him to let go of her mouth and instead he went down her neck.

"Slow down," she mumbled trying to catch her breath. He wouldn't have to stop necessarily but he had to slow down and preferable let her get on top from now on.

"I thought this was what you wanted," he breathed, "sex. Just sex, nothing more."

She realized this was all about the dinner. _Why couldn't she just have sat down for a while? Would it really have killed her to eat something? _She felt stupid. And embarrassed. _Fin had been right, of course Nick would want more than sex_.

She became aware that he'd stopped assaulting her neck and he was staring down on her, still pinning down her wrists though.

"I thought you liked guys who treated you like crap," he said and his tone was spiteful. She tried biting down on her lip but she failed to keep her emotions down and she felt her eyes tearing up. She could tell he noticed too cause his grip immediately eased up and it was like a light bulb went off in his head.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly and rolled off her immediately putting his hand on his own forehead as he seemed a bit shocked himself about how far he'd taken it.

"It's okay," she said quickly so he wouldn't feel too guilty but at the same time she sat up and hurried to straighten her bra so she could button up her shirt. She could feel her own heart beating hard.

"No it's not okay," he said sitting up next to her, turning towards her with apologetic eyes.

"Really Nick," she said getting on her feet as she buttoned her shirt up.

"You're not wrong, I am _that_ type of girl," she said raising her eyebrows a bit. She had meant it to sound funny, to get him off the hook in a way but she realized how pathetic it made her seem so she turned away from him quickly trying to hide the slight shimmer that was still in her eyes.

"No, absolutely not. You're not Amanda," Nick said getting to his feet, "this…" he gestured to the bed and then outwards meaning the table but since she had her back turned to him it didn't really matter, "It's all me being… stupid. Being a jerk."

He wanted her to face her so he touched her shoulder but he immediately pulled back as she flinched. She felt stupid for that reaction too and turned around with a smile as she fixed her belt trying to push down her shirt at the same time.

"It's fine, okay," she rambled a bit but tried to smile even wider to make him understand it was all okay.

"I shouldn't have... This was... I'm sorry Nick," she said and walked out to prevent herself from making a bigger fool of herself.

"You shouldn't apologize," Nick said loudly after her as he felt the need to grab at least his tank top before he went after her. He found her already by the door getting her shoes on as he walked in pulling the tank over his head.

"This is not on you Amanda," he tried but she just shook her head at him with that smile again.

"It's okay Nick," she said just trying to stomp her foot down in her shoe as she got her jacket on. She was about to say something but then she just shot him one last smile and headed out. He walked out after her, not sure what to say but not wanting her to leave like this. He got to the stairs outside but she was already getting in to her car and then she was gone. He walked back in immediately looking for his phone so he could call her. Just as he expected she didn't answer though and she wouldn't for the rest of the night. He tried about ten times and sent five texts asking her to call him or pick up her phone. He knew he couldn't drive over either, he feared he would only make it worse if he forced himself on her. Well more than he'd already done tonight. He felt rotten.

**The next morning** he came in early to try and catch her but she wasn't there and didn't walk in as early as usual either. She actually walked in late, after Fin even, and Liv looked a bit annoyed as she wanted a briefing with them about yesterday's witness statement. He could tell Amanda tried to avoid his eyes and it bugged him. Nick caught Fin's eyes several times though as Fin had caught wind something was up. Nick didn't get a chance to catch her before she headed back out on the streets with Fin to look for yet another witness. Nick suggested he'd ride along but Liv asked him to stay put, she had another assignment for him apparently. The entire day disappeared without him laying eyes on her again. Fin walked in alone, Nick would've asked him where Amanda was at if Fin hadn't shot him an angry eye as he passed Nick's desk to head in to Liv's office. When Fin came back out he walked straight up to Nick, leaned down over his desk and said;

"A word."

Nick close to expected a beating as he followed Fin down the hall. He knew Amanda had to have told her partner something. Fin walked in to the bunks first and left the door open for Nick to close. Nick kept his eyes on Fin's back as he closed the door, he was afraid to turn his back on the obviously furious man. The second Fin heard the door close he turned around, took a step closer to Nick who tried to just stay planted even though he felt like backing up and away from the intense anger radiating from the larger man.

"Okay, whatever you two have been doing it's your business but I want you to stay the fuck out of my partner's head from now on." Fin looked really mad and Nick really didn't want to ask for a further explanation of what he'd just said but he also really wanted to understand.

"I... I'm not following," he stammered a bit.

"I know you got inside her pants, I know she was seeing you last night and I know something happen cause something you did or said fucked her head up from yesterday to today. So whatever games you think you're playing stop it."

"I'm really not playing some game Fin," Nick tried holding up his hands a bit.

"I know I did wrong last night and I'm going to keep trying to make it right," Nick added to own up to his mistake.

"You better," Fin said a bit threatening.

"You know she's fresh in GA again, if you screw this up for her...," Fin was fuming and struggled to find the right words, "She has enough to deal with right now, she doesn't need whatever bug's up your ass."

Nick nodded, swallowing hard. Of course she had. He hadn't even thought about GA and her relapse. He'd been so consumed by their bed activities and the dreams of something more he hadn't thought about her recent struggle.

"Do you know where I can find her? Is she home?" Nick asked. Fin looked reluctant to tell him.

"I promise I won't push her, if she doesn't want to talk I'll leave straight away. I just want to get a chance to talk to her and preferably away from the station," Nick tried to explain himself.

"Okay," Fin sighed and then told him he left her at home but she said she was going out running. He didn't know which way she took off, all he knew was that she didn't want to talk about whatever was weighing her down but with the amount she seemed to be carrying she would probably be out running for a good while.

"Thanks Fin, I'll make it right," Nick said heading out of there.

He didn't ask Liv for permission to leave. He just drove straight over to her place. He'd dropped her off a few times so he knew her building but didn't know which exact apartment. He managed to get into her front door and look her up. She was on the third floor. He tried her door for a while but there was no answer. He tried calling her and couldn't hear her phone inside the door. He knew she could still be hiding out in there but something told him she really was out running. It had sounded on Fin like she did that often, ran away her problems. He walked back out, thought about getting back in to his car and drive around to look for her but he knew the chances where good then that he would miss her coming back. He decided to stay put and ended up on top of the hood of his car. He checked his phone ever so often.

An hour passed. He didn't mind waiting though and it was a nice night. He could sit there all night if he had to but he started to worry where she could be. What if she did more than running? What if she ran to some gambling club instead of to the park? He tried to calm down but then as he finally saw her coming down the street he quickly got nervous again. Even from a far he could see she was drenched, she'd run long and hard. She slowed down her step as she spotted him, for a while he thought she was contemplating running the other way but then she kept walking removing her ear plugs. He jumped down of his car but stayed out on the curb to give her space to walk inside if she wanted to. She stopped a few feet from her door though, no one spoke for a while and he could tell she had a hard time even looking at him.

"Can we talk?" he asked. She looked hesitant.

"Please," he begged and then she nodded.

"You want to get inside the car? Or can we go somewhere so I can buy you something to drink after your run?" he asked not wanting to invite himself inside her apartment. She shook her head though and he felt a bit unsure what to do.

"There's a bench across the street," she said, her voice a bit shy, far from her usual tone.

"Good, great," he said quickly and walked out into the dead street ahead of her. He spotted the bench but waited for her to get there before he sat down. She got up on it, having a seat on the back board instead of, at least, Nick's normal use of a bench. He did the same though, got up but at the other end of the bench to give her space. It wasn't comfortable to sit like that but nothing about this situation was comfortable.

She was playing with her ear plugs in her hands that were resting in her lap. He watched her for a bit. Even drenched, hair striped with sweat, her ponytail off center, bangs clinging to her forehead, she was gorgeous. Her skin was flawless, her cheeks rosy and every time he got a chance to see her blues they sparkled in the street light. He tried to ignore the rest of her body cause seeing her in that tight jacket and leggings took his mind from where it had to be right now. He'd been thinking about what to say the entire time while waiting for her but now everything was a scramble in his head again. He knew the essence of what he wanted her to know though and he gave it a try.

"Look Amanda," he started, "I'm really sorry about yesterday. I had no right to... expect things, and definitely no right to then act like a jerk cause things didn't go the way I liked it to."

She appreciated what he was saying and tried to look at him but every time he caught her eyes she felt awkward and like she was about to break. So she averted her eyes even though she knew flakey eyes were a sign of weakness.

"I hope I didn't hurt you... too much," he said and she stirred a bit obviously feeling uncomfortable talking about it.

"If I could take it all back..." he tried instead.

"It's okay Nick," she interrupted him, "you didn't... I should never have..."

"Amanda please don't put this on yourself," Nick said cutting her off, "You did nothing wrong here. I was the one that got carried away. I went choir boy on you."

She chuckled briefly and it made him feel good to see her smile, even if it was just for a brief moment. She felt a little better too after that short chuckle. Her body relaxed a bit.

"Fin warned me you'd do that," she whispered. She peeked at him sideways a bit sheepishly.

"Do you guys talk about everything?" Nick asked as he felt he could talk a bit more freely now.

"Not everything. I shouldn't have told him about us, I'm sorry."

"No, don't apologize to me Amanda," he said turning towards her, "And actually I kind of like that someone else knows." She smiled a bit awkwardly towards him, she wasn't sure what he meant by that.

"And that you were the one that spilled cause let's face it who would've believed me if I told them I hooked up with the best looking detective in the 16th?"

It was his turn to smile as he watched her cheeks get a different shade of red but unfortunately she turned her head away. He'd promised himself to keep away from her but he just couldn't and he scooted just slightly closer to her and caught her pinky with his finger. She turned her head back, looking at their connected fingers before she turned her eyes up to look at him.

"Seriously Amanda," he said, "I wish I could make yesterday go away. I know I can't so I'm going to keep apologizing and make sure you realize you have no blame for my actions. And I'm going to back off..."

He wished he could read that look she gave him just then. _Did she want him to back off or didn't she?_

"But when you feel ready... _if_ you feel ready, just know that I want to see you. And I'll let you decide what see means. If you just want to hook up I'm game. More than game."

Now he blushed a little but he didn't care, he had to let her know how he felt and try to be more explicit about his desires.

"But I'd also like to have dinner with you, or a coffee, somewhere, anywhere, and just talk. Get to know you better. Get to know Amanda better. I think I know Rollins pretty well by now but I'm curious about Amanda."

He'd been playing with her pinky the entire time, he wanted more but he would settle for a pinky right now.

"I'm going to go okay?" he said reluctantly letting her pinky go. He held her eyes until she looked down and then he got up and down off the bench.

"C'mon walk with me across the street," he said as he didn't want her to sit out there for too long, he could tell she was getting cold, "In these neighborhoods I might need a cop to walk me over the street right."

Again he felt good about seeing her smile. She stood up and he restrained himself from holding out his hand to help her down. She didn't need his help for that. They walked across the street side by side but with some distance between them.

"So I'll see you tomorrow then," he said as they reach the curb outside her building again. She nodded slightly.

"Good night Amanda," he said after her as she walked up towards her front door.

"Night," she whispered glancing back a bit. _God she was beautiful_. He let her get inside before he got back around his car and jumped in. He felt a bit better now. He would feel so much better if she agreed to see him again though. He didn't want this to be the end.


	3. Chapter 3

Something for the weekend. And just to clarify, I love _this_ Amanda. On the show we've seen her in two "relationships" over the past three years which really doesn't make her deserve the slut stamp part of the fandom has given her. But I like to think of her like this - free spirited and able to enjoy her own sexuality. And still not anywhere near deserving a slut stamp in my eyes! I do however think her actions during the episode Gambler's Fallacy is still haunting her and a certain someone reentering her life in this chapter will start to set those emotions in play and it will be explored/dealt with a little more in the upcoming chapter. I'm still 'following script' but at one point I will go off it and end the season/this fic in my way but I'll let you know when I go off the rails (if I haven't already, talk a bout a hot tamale train *lol*) to not cause too much confusion. Enjoy...

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**Chapter 3**

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**Things were good** between them after that talk, things ran smoothly at the station. Fin stopped shooting Nick the stinky eye once he could tell his partner's head was screwed back on. Nick and Amanda were able to act as normal around each other. Well rather normal. Liv could tell something was different between the two but she couldn't put her finger on what it was and it did bug her a bit. She was still not trusting Rollins one bit and the fact that Amaro now suddenly seemed to have Rollins' back for a change got Liv a bit suspicious. If it wasn't for the fact they were swamped at work and she was still a little hung up about her relationship with Cassidy not working out she might have had time to pay the matter a bit more attention.

Then she might have picked up on the side glances Nick was shooting Amanda when he thought no one was looking. How knowing what they'd shared made his whole outlook on life brighter. How he felt happy on the inside just by her walking in and giving him a smile, and how it made him hope for future adventures with her.

Amanda had a bit more somber approach to it but she couldn't lie that she liked being around him and when she caught him looking she got a bit flattered and it got something ticking inside of her. She wanted to pretend that that something was just raw lust and she tried to ignore the little strings pulling towards her heart whenever he did something cute or just paid her attention.

He kept his promise too, he didn't touch her inappropriately, which she kind of wish he would, and he didn't ask her over, which she also kind of wish he would though. Not many men in her life had kept their promise to her. Sure Fin, and their captain and her captain back in Atlanta but most men outside the PD, and okay some inside, hadn't been that reliable.

But both attentions would soon be pulled in another direction as William Lewis broke out of prison and again became a threat for Olivia. Like that wasn't enough Sergeant Declan Murphy walked in taking over command and Nick stood face to face with the man he'd punched in the gut when he wasn't clued in and thought he was some Irish mob threatening Amanda. And Amanda was faced again with what she'd done and just how low she'd gone to try and save her career.

Lewis kept their minds occupied though and when Liv left her detail behind they really had nothing else to think about but to get her back safe. It was a couple of very stressful days that thankfully ended well. Well was probably not the right word though. Olivia was traumatized having been forced to watch Lewis shot himself in the head. It would take a long time before that image of Olivia with blood all over her face would vanish from Nick and Amanda's minds. They didn't even want to imagine what images she had in her mind.

Fin and Nick took Liv home after the hospital while Amanda had been stuck with Murphy. Neither one of them had discussed their past history but just focused on trying to tidy up the mess Lewis had left in his tracks. Olivia's own action didn't make it any easier for Murphy but even with Amanda and Liv's strained relationship Amanda jumped to her defense when Murphy complained. She'd tried to not shy away from his stern look after she'd scolded him but it took more strength than she had in her right then and she felt forced to cave, letting her eyes drop to the floor. She knew he'd literally saved her badge but he was also the one she'd offered a sexual favor to before she knew he was on her side. She feared Olivia had seen the video too but she hoped not, knowing Liv would put two and two together what had happen before the recording started.

Thankfully Murphy hadn't said anything and just sent her home with an order to catch up on sleep. He let her know he would still be in command for the time being and the Lewis mess was far from over so he needed her to stay on her toes. Even after sleeping in the bunks for two nights she didn't feel like driving back home though. She took a detour past Nick's but the lights were off and she figured he was still at Liv's. She drove back home, took a shower but then felt that restlessness that in the past had ended with her gambling. She knew she would have to find an outlet or this night could end badly. Going to some random bar drinking was probably not a good idea seeing how she needed to be fresh at work tomorrow. And drinking could still get her to gamble if the alcohol wasn't sufficient enough to drown the restlessness and then it was just hooking up left and she feared she would see Lewis grinning face on any guy's face tonight.

Only left one outlet and she got in her jogging gear and headed out into the dark night. She didn't really have a route planned out but when she still felt wired after an hour of endless running her feet took her to his place again. This time the lights were on inside but she hesitated. She wasn't sure why she was there or if she should be there. _Did he even want to see her? Liv could be in there. Surely he didn't want her company. _

Nick was so tired. It suited him though because it meant all stress, fear, anger, every other emotion was blocked by the fatigue. He'd taken a quick shower once he got home having left Liv alone in her apartment as it was her wish. He got dressed again aiming to make some late dinner, he couldn't even remember when he ate last, but then he was left just staring blankly into his fridge. Closing it with a sigh without taking anything out he figured he would just head to bed instead. Looking out his small kitchen window though his eye caught a very surprising sight and he hurried outside.

"Hey," he said walking out onto his steps in only his socks.

"Hi," she said giving him an awkward smile. He could tell she'd been out running which made him uncertain if that really was her blushing or if those rosy cheeks were caused by exercise. Either way it was cute.

"C'mon inside," he said instead of asking her what she was doing there. Whatever reason she had to be there he was happy to see her. She seemed reluctant but then she finally took a step towards him and she made her way up the steps to him. He just reached up and touched her arm slightly but tenderly. She was more or less drenched so he figured she'd been out for a very long run. Her breathing was calm though so he suspected she'd been standing there for a while. He hoped she would've knocked on his door eventually if he hadn't caught her standing there. He'd left his door open so she walked in slowly with him right behind her.

"Benson?" she asked turning towards him slightly in the hallway.

"Home, safe. She told us all she wanted to do was sleep," he said closing the door behind them. Amanda nodded looking down on her hands that were fidgeting a bit in front of her.

"Take your shoes off," he said not giving her an option. Tonight she didn't need any support as she got her foot up and the shoes soon rested on the floor.

"Come inside," he said not having left his spot by the door. He was really happy for her company tonight, every night but especially tonight as he didn't feel like being alone. She walked ahead inside but then was left standing with her back towards him in the middle of the room. It felt a little like that first night they'd shared but also not like it at all.

"You want something to drink?" he asked but saw her ponytail flip as she shook her head. She turned around to face him. He couldn't read her face at all. She seemed collected but he wasn't completely sure that was the case.

"You sure? Looks like you've been running for a while," he said but she'd already nodded as he finished. He contemplated getting her a glass of water anyway, mostly just to do something as he really wanted to embrace her but he feared she wouldn't like that and he'd promised to stay away until she made a move.

But then she made her move and he had no complaints as her lips landed on his. It was a slow, passionate kiss that took it's time to get heated and he certainly had no complaints. He felt as though she had the same need of being close and her hands just rested calmly on his hips. He caressed the side of her face with one hand, swiping back her hair not caring about the sweat and he let his other hand rest on her lower back.

They breathed each other's air as the kiss got heated and they tilted their heads to get deeper access to each other. He felt as though he could just kiss her all night long, like it was the best cure in the world to come down from the past couple of day's stress. Soon her hand travelled down though and it would be a lie to say he didn't like her gentle care of his crotch. But he wanted it to stay at that, he wanted to lie down and just kiss and caress her all night long and that's why he stopped her as he felt her hand travel inside his pants.

He was almost about to change his mind though as he looked into her deprived face, with those kiss swollen lips, those pleading blue eyes and that ivory skin of hers that looked so inviting to touch. How could he say no to that face? To that body? But he wasn't saying no. He wanted her in his bed but just not the way she was planning to. He wanted her to spend the night. He needed, not just someone but her close tonight.

"You wanna take a shower?" he asked just nibbling at her lips a little. She'd looked so rejected he couldn't leave her like that. Her face stayed a little vacant but then she nodded and he grabbed her hand and led her into his bathroom. He got her a fresh towel and told her the quirks of his shower. He liked the sight of her there so much he couldn't keep his hands off her and soon his lips had found hers again. She didn't seem to mind and he felt her up a bit but tried to keep it outside her clothes. He finally had to let her go even though he started to fantasies about having her in the shower. He hoped he would get another chance as he let her go with one last tug at her lip.

"I'll be outside," he whispered before he let her go completely. She looked reluctant to let him go and she did hang on to his shirt but he forced her to let go as he backed up towards the door.

"Right outside," he let her know before he shut the door between them. He sat down on his bed rubbing his face a little. He was so tired, the last couple of days had been draining but he was so happy she was there now. He missed having someone to share a hard day's work with, someone to come home to and to cuddle up beside. He hadn't had it for years, his wife being deployed overseas for long periods of time and then when she came home it still felt like she wasn't really there.

He knew it was too soon to start planning a future with Amanda but he could hope. He could hope she would want to make plans with him, to be there for him and to let him be there for her. And as he heard the shower turn on and then that familiar sound of the curtain being pulled he couldn't help but picture her naked under those jets. He couldn't help but remember the intimate times they'd shared and he felt bad about the last miserable time. He wanted to make up for that time and to never make her life any more difficult than it had to be. There was so much he didn't know about her but he couldn't wait to find out. He knew it wouldn't be easy but he hadn't even started trying yet, he would win her over, he would get her to open up more.

He got up off the bed and stepped out of his tee and sweatpants but left his boxers on. He put his clothes away and then dug out a clean white tee that he was planning on putting on her once she came out of the shower. He could still hear it running so he went to pull the spread off the bed. He even fluffed the two pillows a bit and placed them right next to each other. He turned on the lamp standing in the corner and then turned all the other lights off leaving the room in a dim light. The shower turning off made him look to the bathroom door anticipating her presence.

He stayed planted for a while and then held his breath as he heard the door open. She stepped out along with a slight mist, he'd forgotten to put the vent on. She wore the white towel wrapped around her, her hair toweled dried a bit but with heavy tips clinging to her bare shoulders. She was a sight for sore eyes.

They met half way but then were left standing in front of each other with that single step left to take. Watching her now he contemplated scrapping his plans and just do her if she still wanted to. She was just so darn attractive. He reached out and placed his hand on her cheek. She leaned slightly in to it and his thumb reached up and brushed her lip slightly. She took the last step and put her lips to his after getting up on her toes just a little.

His hands landed on her shoulders, swiping her wet hair backwards, his hands following it down her back and he traced her shoulder blades with tender fingers. He felt her breath got caught in her throat as though she shivered but he found it close to impossible that she was cold. She was still holding on to her towel with both hands but her tongue was eager. It felt as though she was still planning of bedding him but now he was back to wanting intimacy more than sex. Grabbing her shoulders gently he pulled her out, he stroke her cheek before he reached over to the bed grabbing the tee he'd picked out for her. He rolled the tee up to easily slip it over her head. She looked a bit confused but didn't object and then she let him take the towel from her. He did graze her breast just slightly and then her bare hip as he pulled the tee down.

"Let me," he whispered and wrapped the towel loosely around her hair. He placed a soft kiss on her forehead once her hair was bundled up and then grabbed her hand so he could bring her up on the bed. He laid down bringing her down with him and he grabbed the sheet and brought it up over them. He snaked his arm in underneath her shoulders and then rearranged her towel a bit so she could lie down on his shoulder. He felt her take a deep breath as she relaxed next to him.

He brought his hand up to her face and swept it down over her cheek. He looked at her lips and let his fingers move over them as she opened up her mouth a bit. She'd been staring blankly ahead but now she turned her beautiful blue eyes up to meet his. She didn't give him much time to look into them though as she rolled up to catch his lips with her own. The towel was left on his arm as her tongue entered his mouth. He didn't mind, he welcomed it but then her hand caught him by surprise as it had found its way down to his crotch. Again it did feel good but he still reached down to grab it and he brought it up with him while looking down into her blank eyes.

_Didn't he want her? Had she done something wrong?_ She must've done something wrong but she couldn't read him. He didn't look cross, he just brought her hand up to his mouth and he placed small kisses on the back of it. He then placed it on his bare chest and held on to it there as she tried to relax back against his arm. She tried to remember if she'd done something wrong. The recent days were mostly a blur though, they'd just fought hard to find Lewis and then to find Liv. She couldn't remember doing anything to upset him. She didn't get much more time to think about it though since the fatigue won her over and soon she felt her eyes falling shut without being able to stop them. He smiled as he saw her try and keep her eyes open but it was a battle he could tell she would lose and he dared to leave her hand alone on his chest as he felt a need to touch her face as she drifted off to sleep.

She mumbled something incoherent and it made him smile even wider. Her entire face relaxed as sleep overtook her and soon she was breathing peacefully through her nose. He got why she was so tired. For two nights now they'd only gotten a few hours of sleep in the bunks. She'd gotten just a little more than him, he knew this because this was the third night in a row he'd watched her fall asleep. He'd watched her in the bunks, watched her crumbled eyebrows come to rest and the tightness in her fists ease up as she let sleep take over. And just as the previous two nights he felt able to relax once she was off to sleep and it didn't take long until he followed her there.

**Even before he** opened up his eyes he recalled last night and he half expected her to be gone. But to his joy she was still there in bed with him. It did look though as she'd tried to escape from him during the night but it just made him smile even bigger. She was at the end of the bed, turned away from him. All he saw was her blonde tousled hair and his white tee tightly wrapped around her torso. He let his eyes go down her body and felt another kind of excitement as he caught her lower body exposed. They both must have been warm during the night cause the sheet was a tangled mess between their bodies.

He couldn't help but have a good look on her ass and her long, toned legs. The sun was shining in through the window since he'd forgot to pull the curtains and her skin had the softest glow. He really felt like touching her but at the same time he didn't want to disturb her, this sight was one of the most erotic ones he'd ever experienced and he wanted it to last as long as possible. He let his eyes wander back up, over the slant in her midsection, her ribcage, her shoulder blade and to the blonde tousle.

He watched her for a while, let his eyes go up and down her body trying to etch the sight into his mind as he wanted to savor it. He wasn't even sure how much time passed but he knew he should wake her up, especially when his hand had been resting on his erection for a while and he started to feel like a perv. And maybe she could help him out with his… harden state if he woke her up? He sighed at himself, he truly was a perv.

"Amanda," he whispered, loving the fact he got to say her name like this, in this situation, at this early morning. He repeated it again for his own pleasure and then smiled as a goof. He moved in a little closer and said her name again a little louder. This time she stirred a bit and as she rolled back on her back a bit he caught a glimpse of her face underneath her blonde strands. Then she seemed to fall back to sleep again though and it made him smile again. Looking down her body now he got an even better view of her and the tightness in his boxers made itself known again.

"Amanda," he whispered again.  
"Hmm," she mumbled still not moving or opening up her eyes.  
"You have to wake up," he smiled. He'd always pictured her as a morning person so he found this funny.

"Hmm," she mumbled again and he chuckled. He reached out and touched her arm and then she moved it up, swiping away the hair off her face with her hand. She inhaled deeply and turned even further towards him. She still kept her eyes shut though and when he tried to touch her face she shoved his hand away and then continued to stretch out in front of him taking another deep breathe. He chuckled when she again just went still and it made her face crumble.

"What?" she moaned.  
"Nothing," he smiled and then caught a glimpse of one of her blue eyes. It was just a tiny glimpse though. He wondered if she was aware of where she was yet. Her face hadn't given away any surprise but he wasn't even sure she'd been able to see him properly. He got worried maybe she thought she was in someone else's bed. He felt a sting of jealousy for no good reason at all.

She reached up and scratched her collarbone. He followed her every move with his eyes.

"Don't," she mumbled.  
"Don't what?"  
"Look at me," she said and managed to plant her hand on his face without looking. He smiled and caught her hand when it tried to retract.  
"Why not?" he smiled bringing it back to his mouth so he could place a few small kisses on it.

"I'm tired," she whined and he wasn't sure if that was an answer or just a statement. Either way it made him keep smiling.  
"Well I'm sorry I can't stop and since you are in _my_ bed…"

"I can leave…" she said and rolled over, away from him. The fact he still had her hand though made it hard for her to escape and then when he let it go only to wrap his arms around her waist it was impossible cause he was just not letting her go even if she wanted to. He pulled her into him and felt even better when he heard her subdued giggling. He got up a bit so he could kiss the side of her face and he got the double joy of catching a glimpse of her smiling face as he did that. She still hadn't opened her eyes though. He snuggled up close to her and just enjoyed her scent and the way she felt. He couldn't help but cop a feel though as he moved his hand a bit over her front.

"You hungry?" he asked after a while as he realized he couldn't keep her in bed all day. Murphy was expecting them and they had to deal with the aftermath of Lewis' death too. He should probably check in with his old partner too, see how she was doing today. Right now though he really didn't want to let Amanda go.

"Starving," she yawned, she didn't even know when she ate last.

"I'll go see what I can make us," he said but didn't let her go just yet. He wanted to feed her but also wanted to just stay there with her. She didn't make it any easier for him to let her go when she moved her behind a little against him. It didn't take long for her hand to find its way between them and she was looking for what she'd felt just now against her butt. He opened his mouth up and exhaled as her hand moved up and down his slightly erected cock. It didn't take her long to get it completely erected and then she rolled over in his arms. She finally opened up her eyes and it made the moment even more precious to him. For a few moments she stayed a few inches away from him and held his eyes as her hand travelled inside his boxers. His breathing was strained by now and he couldn't help but wonder how he got this lucky. What he'd done to deserve her.

She moved in after a while, caught his mouth with hers and the kiss was tender at first. He moved his hand up to her face and let his fingertips play over her warm skin. She soon tried to get deeper into his mouth and then rolled over him forcing him down onto his back. She got her leg over him without letting his mouth go or removing her hand from his cock and she kept working it as she positioned herself over him. She gasped into his mouth as she brought him inside of her and then got into a slow and steady rhythm. He got his hands up in underneath her shirt and slowly pulled it up towards her head. They had to separate for him to be able to pull it over her head but she quickly found her way back to his mouth. Once he'd tossed her tee away though he rolled her over and she willingly let him have the top position.

He tried staying up a bit, wanting to hold her eyes for a bit but she brought him down to her mouth again by a firm grip around his neck. She held his head there as her other hand went down to one of his butt cheeks, grabbing hold and urging him to go faster. He complied, wanting her to catch up to him as he felt ready to burst. He let her mouth go and worked his way down on her neck, then up to her ear. He slid his tongue behind her ear and then dug his teeth down.

"Come for me," he whispered. She'd let his hair go and he felt her nails dig into his back as he whispered those words.  
"Come for me," he repeated and her breath got caught up in her throat. The next second she moaned loudly and then he felt her inner walls spasm and he let himself go that very same moment. He joined her choir and they grunted together for a while until it transitioned into gasps and then down to heavy breathing. She pushed him off her once they came down properly and he landed heavy on his back next to her. He chuckled and swiped his hand up over his face feeling completely satisfied.

"You're amazing," he said turning his head towards her. She'd closed her eyes again and seemed to come down nicely from the rush.  
"I know," she smiled and he chuckled again.  
"You're wild," he said observing her.  
"Yeah I've been told," she said stretching out calmly.

He had to roll over and touch her. He swiped his hand up over her stomach and made a turn around her breast. He just loved how self-confident she was about herself like this. When she peeked up at him though she looked a bit embarrassed and bit down on her lip.

"I love that," he said leaning down to kiss her to reassure her she'd said or done nothing wrong. She gave him access to her mouth, didn't seem to mind when he played with her nipple but then started to protest as his hand found its way down between her legs.

"What you don't like that?" he teased working her clit a bit. He could feel it was still tender, so tender she couldn't lie still underneath his touch.  
"I do," she said a bit strained, "but I think Murphy will start to miss us if we keep this up."  
"Murphy," Nick sighed. Amanda shivered under his touch.  
"Oh you like that?" he said a bit teasingly, "Was it my touch or the thought of Murphy?"  
"Oh stop that," she said pushing his hand away from her looking a bit grim.  
"I'm just kiddin'," he said laying down a bit over her and capturing her mouth with his. They kissed each other playfully for a while but then he knew he had to let her go or he would have to climb her again.

"Okay I'll fix us something to eat now," he finally said and got up putting his boxers back in place. He did the mistake of looking back though as he got on his feet and he got mesmerized by the sight of her.  
"I'm starving," she said blushing a bit but didn't make an attempt to cover herself up.  
"I could eat you," he suggested.  
"Crude," she countered.  
"Too crude?"  
"Never," she answered and it made him chuckle.  
"Okay, I'll go," he said just to not jump back into bed. He couldn't tear his eyes away from her though and it made him walk into the door post. She laughed out loud and it almost made him run back to punish her for that or perhaps to reward himself but he managed to tear himself away. They had to go in to work at some point.

**They were in** for a few busy days with Liv's career on the line following Lewis' death. Everything about her previous abduction resurfaced for all of them making tensions fly high. Both Liv and Nick mistrusted Murphy and his judgments. Nick, Fin and Amanda had a private conversation in the bunks at one point where Nick lashed out at Amanda a bit asking if she trusted Murphy only cause he saved her ass or if it was because he was charming. Amanda bit her tongue trying her best to explain it away with Nick just being stressed out.

It wasn't that she trusted Murphy, or maybe she did but it was all a turmoil inside and she'd never been one to handle emotions well. Her aim was to go through life with as little hassle and stress as possible. She'd been around that her entire life. She'd hoped moving from Loganville to Atlanta would get her away from all that but it had followed her there. Not even New York had been far enough away from her sister but with pending charges hanging over her sister it was highly unlikely she'd see her around for a long time now. She worried, constantly, about her but she tried pushing it down. She couldn't save her sister, not when she couldn't even get a grip on her own life. Murphy's presence didn't help her get a grip on things, completely the contrary actually. She'd worked hard these past week to try and get out of the gutter she'd been in and she'd thought she'd left the worst behind her. Murphy reentering her life made her fear though that her day of reckoning was still awaiting her.

Murphy's presence didn't sit well with Nick either. He disliked the guy and he couldn't shake the feeling something had happen between him and Amanda that he didn't know off while they were UC. It didn't help that Murphy called him out on his persecution complex in front of the others and then had the audacity to call him into his office and talk about private matters concerning his broken family. He did have some points, the work took it tolls and it was tough taking these crimes home. But every time Nick started to perhaps give the guy a chance he heard those words he'd uttered outside the club. _She's not bad once you get passed the used parts_. It was such a vulgar thing to say, even if you were UC. No he didn't like Lt Murphy, not even after he more or less saved Liv's badge by lying to the grand jury.

**They hadn't had** time to hook up during the aftermath of Lewis but once it was over with Amanda asked if she could catch a ride and they ended up at his place. He tried to casually suggest they could get some take-out home but she shook him off. He wasn't that hungry anyway, not when he suspected she would be served, and give service, in his bed soon.

He fell down to her side panting hard after she'd more or less shoved him off. He deserved better for the amazing orgasm he'd just given her but she would have to think of a way to repay him later, right now she needed to breathe. He needed to breathe too but once he could focus his eyes again her exposed breasts caught his attention and he couldn't stay away.

"Just give me a minute," she breathed as his lips wrapped around her nipple. It made him smile.  
"Oh so you can't handle me," he teased, "does that mean I own you now."

She socked him in the head and he climbed her with a wide smile on his face. He pinned her hands down so she couldn't give him another one and then captured her mouth with his. If he was honest though he needed a minute after that last exercise too but he didn't mind spending that minute like this. Feeling her hot body underneath him, every inch of her pressed against his and her mouth attached to his. He let her wrists go and let his fingers entwine with hers. He slid his tongue out of her mouth and took a few small bites of her lips before he let her go so he could get a good look at her.

"You're pretty amazing," he whispered. She managed to hold his eyes for a few moments but then tried to get up to his lips again. He granted her a brief kiss but then withdrew again.  
"Why is that so hard for you?" he asked quietly. She tried to look clueless but he had a hunch she knew what he was getting at. He didn't mean to put her on the spot but he wanted to know.  
"Why is intimacy hard for you?" he asked.  
"It's not," she said squirming a bit, "we've just been very intimate."

He slid off her a bit and let her hands go, he didn't want her to feel trapped in any way. He stayed right next to her though and had his arm over her, getting his fingers up to her forehead and he stroke away some of her hair. He gave her a smile, tried to make her feel comfortable as he could tell she wasn't under his intense eyes. She tried to just lay still but he could feel how tense she felt and every time her eyes went by his she had to make a face at him. Finally she just rolled her eyes at him and tried to roll away but he kept her down and covered the side of her face with his hand so he could turn her eyes towards him.

"Why is this so hard for you?" he smiled.  
"It's not," she said squirming again.  
"I can tell it is," he said.  
"You can't tell shit choir boy," she said a bit sarcastically and he smiled. He gave her mouth a quick peck.  
"I'll win you over," he whispered.  
"You'll win nothing," she said, catching him off guard and managed to roll both of them over and got him down on his back.

"That's what you think," he said trying to wrestle her back down but she used a cheap trick, driving her knuckles down hard into his collarbone and he fell back down with a mix of pain and laughter escaping his throat. She straddled him and put her hands on his shoulders to pin him down. When it looked as though he would make another attempt to roll her over she quickly reached back behind her back and grabbed a hold of his balls and he froze when he saw the wicked smile on her face.

"Oh you wouldn't," he said laughing a bit nervously but then held his breath as he felt the pressure increase and her eyes narrowing a bit. Seeing her like that, naked on top of him and feeling her grip around his balls, and even though he had no doubt she could cause him serious harm if he challenged her right now, it turned him on. And she could feel it underneath her so her eyes widen a bit.

"Say I win," she said with a smile and she moved herself in small circles above his growing erection. She still had his balls in a firm grip and when he didn't say anything she squeezed them until he had to open his mouth up.

"Oh you win," he breathed with a smile.  
"Don't you forget that," she said letting his balls go and grabbed a hold of his cock instead. She got up on her knees so she could lover herself down on top of him. She let out a shivering breath as she got all the way down to his base.

"Oh I won't," he breathed reaching up to touch her midsection. He loved feeling her muscles move as she rode him and he planted his palm flat below her belly button so he could really feel her body work. He wouldn't forget but he wouldn't give up either. He would keep trying, get her to feel comfortable with him just being near. He knew it probably wouldn't be easy but if they could spend the time between tries doing this he had no objection.

The way his hand was positioned he realized he could get access to her clit with his thumb and he didn't waste the opportunity. His touch got her to jump a few gears and it didn't take long until he felt her inner walls tighten around him. He tried keeping eye contact with her but she leaned back, dropping her head back so he followed her. He sat up and caught her in his arms when she was about to fall backwards. He caught her eyes for a brief second before she buried her face in his neck. She bit down as he took control and he thrusted his hips up inside of her. He held her as tight as he could, one arm around her body and one up in her hair grabbing on to her soft tousles. She clawed his back and then got both her hands up in his hair as she struggled to breathe. She moaned loudly with a warm breath right by his ear and it drove him crazy. He tried holding himself back but didn't have to wait long as she crashed down around him and he let himself go. They fell down panting and he kept her in his arms on top of him. He closed his eyes and enjoyed feeling her coming down on top of him. He drew small circles down by her spine. She started to withdraw from him after a while, sliding down from him but he kept his arms around her.

"Stay," he begged. He could tell she was tired and if he just managed to get her to stay a while longer he hoped she would fall asleep and he would get to keep her overnight. She kept her face away from him so he couldn't read her. He brought her arm up to his mouth and trailed small kisses down over it. He felt her body start to relax again and he carefully swiped away hair from her face. Once he'd dug her out he found her eyes closed and he heard the familiar sound of her tiny snoozes. He smiled and planted a small kiss on her eyebrow.

"I love you," he whispered. He followed her to sleep soon thereafter and woke up to an empty bed in the morning. His heart was far from empty though. It felt whole again, it felt mended and he couldn't wait to see her again.

**A few weeks passed** and things at the station started to get back to normal. With the one huge change though that Murphy was in command. To Nick's discontent Liv seemed to have warmed up to him rather quickly. And even more annoying was that Murphy seemed to have such a keen eye to Amanda. He called her in to his office constantly and asked her to tag along ever so often leaving Amaro to team up with her partner. Not that he minded working with Fin but why did Amanda have to be stuck at Murphy's hip?

He really wanted to dislike Murphy because he was a despicable human being but Nick started to fear it all came down to jealousy. He knew he had to chill or it would interfere with whatever it was he had going on with Amanda. Jealousy and insecurity had been big parts of why his marriage failed. He didn't want that to go down that route again. The jealousy he knew he had to get a grip on himself, that was on him. The insecurity he needed help with though. He needed to know where he stood with her. He needed to know how she felt about him because he was dead certain he was in love with her.

With the amazing sex they had though he wasn't sure he dared to mess things up right now. He treasured every second he got with her. She was by far the most skilled lover he'd ever had. She got in positions with him he'd never experienced before and when he didn't think it was any way to beat a sensation she managed to come up with something that topped the previous one. He loved being inside her most of all and whatever position they were in nothing beat reaching climax together. But she also gave the most amazing blow jobs. She had this thing where she licked her way up underneath his cock, made a circle around his tip and then crashed down over him, getting him far down her throat and it always made his head spin. At times she also managed to get the most amazing friction going while just working his tip with her mouth, her hand by his base and then finished with this suction that made him lose all control of himself. She got him every time with that move.

**Another few weeks passed** and they managed to inaugurate every room in his apartment. The bedroom had most runs but they didn't always stay on the bed. Nick thought he knew which room came second. At times they only made it inside the door and he could count at least three times that he had her up against the door or nearby it. One time they managed to tear down the coat hanger but once their laughter had subsided it only gave them a soft spot on the floor to fuck on.

They'd done it on the countertop in the kitchen, the dining table was a given but it had made him feel sinful a few days later when he dined on it with his mother and daughter. The couch had been explored and she'd been climbing the bookshelf at one point when he took her from behind and the wood had scratch marks made by her nails to prove it. She really did get most frenzy while taken from behind but he did start to feel as though he was learning her quirks even in other positions.

He got to try the shower one morning, it was definitely a place he would want to try again. It didn't necessarily have to be in the morning but it was an extra treat when she stayed the night even if they didn't have morning sex. But let's face it was more a rule than an exception. Unfortunately it was more an exception than a rule though that she stayed the night. She was just so hard to persuade. He never managed to, the only thing that got her to stay was exhaustion so he did his best to really give it to her.

It was there in the dark, with her sleeping beside him, that he dared to tell her he loved her. When her facial features were soft, when he wouldn't risk her rolling her eyes at him or give him a funny or harsh retort, that's when he took the opportunity to tell her just how much he loved her.

It might sound as all they did was screw each other but there were actually times, in-between sessions or as they were coming down from the latest one, that they also talked. He'd known she had a wit and an edge to her that he adored but he quickly learnt she was fun and insightful while just small-talking. He found she had a rare mix of gloom and spirit in her personality that he liked but coming down of a rush, with all those endorphins still running through her veins she was usually very bubbly while talking in bed.

It had taken a few weeks though, in the beginning they usually just stayed side by side, he having to try and hide the fact he glanced at her but as they started to get comfortable around each other, even in their exposed state, they'd started small-talking. He suspected it might just be her way of breaking his intrusive eyes since warming up to each other also meant he didn't hide the fact he liked to admire her while just lying around.

Her intimacy issues were very much still in play. Whenever he tried to steer their talking to more personal subjects she used one of her other tactics, excusing herself to the bathroom for a toilet break or to initialize sex again. The first one had him longing for her to get back and fearing to bring the subject up again as he wanted her there and the second one… well he couldn't say no to that.

Personal questions to her meant talking about her past or her family, she would answer almost any question about sex though. Their sense of what was private or personal differed. The subjects that made him blush slightly were probably the ones that the average person would find somewhat uncomfortable to talk freely about while she got vague when he tried to ask her about matters of her heart. Whenever he brought up anything that had to do with love she managed to steer them away from the subject. She was very talented at distracting him too.

But just talking casually was delightful too. When they ran out of subjects to talk about she could always spit out a this-or-that question rapidly. He learnt she used to play that game with her sister when they were bored.

It was fun learning more things about her and she always had witty remarks to his choices. They both chose fried over baked, dark chocolate over white and spicy over mild. He chose reality while she chose fiction, he scrambled while she stuck to fried and he took fishing over hunting. They agreed that there wasn't a good choice between snakes or sharks and they agreed Bourne was cooler than Bond but Bond still deserved some cred.

He liked when they moved to ever-or-never-questions or would-you-rather-questions. She usually got a bit raunchier and he learnt she'd been in a threesome but she wouldn't say more and she apparently went skinny dipping a lot back in Georgia. He had to say never to both questions. His answers were usually never and he enjoyed her answers more. He forced her to tell him more when she said yes to taking someone else's virginity and he learnt it was a boy in college. He couldn't help but picture that poor boy getting jumped by her teenage hormones. He liked that image he had to admit, as long as it was in the past. These days he wanted his bones to be the only ones she jumped and until she was ready for more he would make sure she was more than satisfied in bed.

"Your turn," he said turning his head towards her. They were both on their backs next to each other on the floor next to his bed. They'd ended up down there after a particular advanced position and both needed time to build up strength to go on, both were very much willing to go on though but they quite enjoyed the game of would-you-rather that they were in the middle off. On the night stand above them were two glasses and an empty bottle of red wine. It was their second for the evening and she were just a bit more tipsy than he was.

"Okay," she said trying to collect her thoughts, "Would you rather _not_ have sex with a goat and have everyone think you had sex with a goat or have sex with a goat but no one will find out?"

When he didn't answer she turned her head towards him, his eyes were a size larger than usual.

"Who are you?" he asked bursting into laughter. She started giggling and even more so when he reached out and started tickling her. She tried to get away by grabbing on to the bed and managed to pull herself up a bit but it all worked out that much better for him as he managed to pin her down on her knees up against the bed.

"You have a dirty, dirty imagination detective," he whispered close to her ear as he tried to hold her hands down on the bed above them.

"And I think that turns you on detective," she countered moving her ass up against his crotch. He had no way of hiding his erection nor did he feel the need to. He collected her hands underneath one of his own so he'd get one free to ravage her body with. He knew she could get out of his grip if she wanted to but he liked that she really didn't seem to want to.

"_You_ turn me on," he said twisting her hair together in a firm grip so he could pull her head back and get his lips on her delicious neck.  
"Yeah?" she breathed a bit mockingly, "then prove it."

He pulled her hair a little tighter and thrusted his crotch up against her ass.

"That's all you got?" she moaned.  
"Oh what do you want?" he asked biting down on her ear as he playfully shoved her head down into the bed.  
"I want you to…" she had to stop as his hand had found its way down between her legs and she yelped as his fingers found her clit.  
"I can't hear you, what do you want?" he asked with a big grin on his face liking that he could make her speechless.  
"Show me… I want you to show me what you got," she managed to breathe.

He immediately used his legs to spread her knees wider and she found herself hanging off the side of the bed by his grip. He used his body though to push her back up a little and the next second he was inside of her.

"Is that what you want?" he panted.  
"Yes," she was barely able to breathe.  
"How do you want it?" he breathed down her neck. Trying to bite down but needing his breath with every thrust.  
"Hard," came her shivering answer, "I want you to drive me hard."

His hand came up her body, grazed by the slight curve of her breast, up over her shoulder and down over her arm. He let her hands go only to catch them again, each wrist in each of his hands, forcing them further up on the bed. When he had her hips where he wanted them he slid his palms up over the back of her hands and entwined his fingers with hers. He pushed their hands down on the mattress as he started granting her wish and it didn't take long until he both felt and heard her approval. Within minutes he felt her climax, her body rigid and all sound disappearing except for his panting and the sound of the impact of his body hitting hers roughly. He didn't slow down though, kept driving her through it and then felt the next one building up inside of her. She'd asked for it and he kept going hard until he reached his own release. Once he'd emptied every single drop he had to give her he fell down over her back chipping for air. He let her hands go and started to move his up and down her arms, stroking her with as much affection that he had in his heart for her right now.

"You showed me good," she whispered once she found her voice again. It made him smile and he planted a kiss between her shoulder blades.  
"Can you stay the night?" he asked once he felt able to move. All he wanted to do was climb into bed falling asleep holding on to her.  
"Nah, I should head home," she whispered and he tried to not show his disappointment once she turned to face him.  
"Okay," he whispered and let his hand slide off her leg even though what he wanted most of all was to grab a hold of her.

**The few times** she did spend the night she usually slept heavy and peacefully. Then came this one night when he woke up from a slap across the chest and before he got all his senses back she sat up with a muted shriek that had turned to strained gasps when he scrambled to her side.

"Hey," he whispered trying to get his hands on her. She flinched though and pulled away. Just by the brief touch though he could feel how clammy her skin was.  
"You're okay," he soothed, "it was just a nightmare."  
"No it wasn't," she argued shoving away the hand he tried to swipe down over her hair. He wasn't sure what to say and why she tried to pick a fight over a nightmare. Once she calmed down a bit, which didn't take long, she seemed to realize though and she pulled the sheet a little tighter around her feeling a bit embarrassed.

"I'm okay," she whispered.  
"Lie back down," he said gently wanting to try and get her down so he could comfort her.  
"No, I'm going home," she said quickly getting out of bed. He followed her a bit and getting over on her spot in the bed he could feel how damp the sheets were. It must've been some nightmare she had.

"Please stay," he tried even though he knew it was always futile to beg her when it came to this. She gathered her clothes off the floor and hurried inside his bathroom. He got up and pulled a tee over his head just waiting for her to get back outside. He was ready when she came out and followed her as she quickly made her way out of his bedroom.

"What happen?" he tried feeling a bit insecure. He didn't dare to touch her and just asking her that felt intrusive.  
"Nothing, I'm just going home," she said hurrying over to the door.  
"It was just a nightmare Amanda, everyone has them," he tried not sure what it was exactly that spooked her about this.  
"I know," she said shaking her head a bit as though he didn't have to tell her that obvious fact.

"Can you tell me what it was about?"  
"Why?" she said getting her shoes on but changed her mind quickly as she didn't want to discuss it, "I can't remember. It was nothing."

He tried to touch her again, gently even though he most of all wanted to grab a hold of her and force her to stay, but she pulled away and the darkness he sees in her eyes when she shots him a quick glance scares him.

"I'll see you at work," she said turning her eyes away from him and then she was gone. Nick was left feeling... he wasn't even sure what he felt. Like the worst boyfriend ever but the fact was he wasn't even sure he was that - her boyfriend.

**He didn't see much** of her the following couple of days. They were busy at work and Murphy stole her away a lot which didn't make Nick feel any better. She managed to sneak away after work and she didn't pick up the few times he tried to call her. He didn't want to crowd her so he tried to not be too pushy. He did his best to focus at work and he felt a need to prove to Amanda he could be a man, to not get rattled by a little friction. It would help though if he knew what this friction was, he had no idea what was going on. He tried Fin a little, see if he knew anything about whatever it was going on but then Fin just asked him if they had trouble in paradise and then gave him a little speech about how he better not mess things up for her. He reassured Fin everything was okay though.

She was such an enigma to him and he loved that about her but it also made him feel insufficient. He feared he was never going to fully grasp her but he knew that to be able to get somewhere he might have to push a bit after all.

"I want to see you tonight," he said once he managed to corner her. She just gave him a look, didn't say anything and continued pouring her coffee.  
"Can I?" he asked without losing face. His eyes got a bit lost though. Her hair was up in a ponytail and his eyes were drawn to her exposed neck. He wanted to touch it, to put his lips right there in that tiny pit on her spine where her hairline started. She caught him looking and gave him a mischievous smile once he met her eyes again. She gave him a nod.

"Can we go to your place?" he asked. She studied him a bit over the rim of her mug. She put her mug down, following it with her eyes.  
"My place is a bit untidy," she said getting her eyes up to make sure no one was observing them.  
"We just need one clean spot to make out on," he asked and her eyes quickly found his. He was relieved to see a smile playing over her face.  
"Yeah?" he asked with raised eyebrows and she gave him another nod.

He didn't have his car so she gave him a ride. It wasn't that uncommon the squad gave rides to each other but it was something else when you knew were you were up to and you feared it was bluntly obvious on your entire character. Fin was walking out at the same time though and the three of them said night to Liv and Murphy. Nick wasn't sure just how clued in Fin was about the status of their relationship, hey Nick wasn't that clued in on anything right now, but he saw the looks Fin kept shooting them as they headed downstairs. Amanda finally gave her partner an elbow in the ribs and he quite staring.

"Night kids, don't do anything I wouldn't do," he sneered though as they parted out on the parking lot. Nick couldn't help but like the notion that someone knew what he and Amanda were up to.

"How much does he know… about us?" he asked while buckling in by her side.  
"He's bugging me constantly, he's such a gossip girl," Amanda said getting her car in gear, "I'm keeping my trap shut though. Don't worry."

She shot him a quick glance and a smile before she drove out of there. Nick shot her a smile back but it faded once he turned his head away. He didn't want her to keep quiet, _he_ didn't want to keep quiet. He wanted the world to know they were seeing each other. His eyes wandered over to her. Her hand was on the stick and he wanted desperately to put his hand over hers. He wanted to hold her hand, and to hug and kiss her in public. He wanted to be able to introduce her as his girlfriend. His eyes wandered over to her thigh and then up her body a little. He liked that summer was finally hear cause it meant she wore less clothes and he could admire her from a far.

She cleared her throat and it made him look up to meet her eyes.

"Desperate much?" she asked with a raised eyebrow and he chuckled.  
"Aha," he confessed and he felt a tingle below the belt at the look she gave him. There it was, that predatory look that drove him insane. He didn't doubt she could make him come without even touching him, she just had to give him that look and then perhaps threw in some dirty words that he knew for sure she was capable off.

A car honked behind them, the lights had turned and Amanda had to shift her focus to the road ahead. That was okay with him though, the sooner they could get to her apartment the sooner he could get his hands on her.

Once there though the apartment itself drew his attention. It wasn't at all as untidy as she'd made it sound. She had a bit of dishes on the kitchen counter that she put down in the sink and then tossed a towel to the side.

"Nice place," he said walking in after him.  
"Well it is a place at least," she said casually and hurried into the living room to remove some items of clothing from the couch.

She vanished into a connecting room that he figured was her bedroom but he lingered outside. Looking around he quickly found the lack of personal items. You had the regular furniture, a couch, a table, a TV and a book shelf. She had a throw and a pillow on the couch, a couple of magazines on the table as well as a closed laptop. The book shelf was sparsely filled with dvds and pocket books. He didn't find a single photo though. And the walls felt a bit empty. Looking back into the kitchen he didn't see any frames or photos in there either. She had one single item on the fridge and it was a paper with the days and times for GA meetings. He took note that it was Wednesday nights and Sunday afternoons.

He heard her reenter and he turned to face her, giving her a smile.

"You want something to drink?" she asked and he nodded.  
"What you got?" he asked walking after her into the kitchen.  
"I know I have beer," she said before she reached the fridge.

"That will do," he said but still shot a glance inside when she opened it up. It looked like his fridge did most of the time, the only time he stocked it up a bit was when Zara was coming. Or more so it was his mother that stocked it up for him. She twisted the cap of a beer and handed it to him before she reached for one herself. She tossed the caps in the sink and leaned back against the counter.

"So you've seen it," she said after she'd taken a swig of her beer.  
"I've seen it," he admitted and gave her a rather mischievous smile. She tried to just keep her face cool but couldn't help but smile and then took another mouthful beer. He did the same but then approached her slowly. She raised her eyebrow at him a bit curiously and then put her hands back on the counter behind her, opening herself up a bit for him to do whatever he had in mind. His hand, the one not holding on to the beer, reached her first, landed on her hip and then snaked its way around to her lower back. He stepped in to her and let their bodies connect from the waist down.

"Hi," he whispered just an inch from her face and when he leaned in her lips came to meet his. They slowly tasted each other's lips. Before it got further he separated himself from her and he liked how her eyes stayed on his mouth and how she bit down on her lip as though she missed his touch.  
"I've missed you these past days," he said quietly. Her eyes came up to meet his and she looked a bit indecisive.  
"Yeah?" she whispered but then swallowed hard and took a swig of her beer as though she had to do something to break their gaze for a bit. He put a light kiss on her forehead and then he also had a taste of his beer.

"Did you go to a meeting?" he asked cocking his head a bit towards the fridge and the note that hanged there.  
"Yeah," she answered.  
"How is that… is it going okay?" he asked moving his hand up and down her back a bit.  
"Yeah, aha," she said nodding a bit. He wished he could feel her touch too but at least she didn't do any attempt to pull away.  
"I'm not… disrupting that somehow?" he asked and her eyes narrowed a bit as she tried to figure out what he meant by that.  
"No, why…" she started but left it there.

"I mean… I've heard, maybe that you shouldn't like see someone while you're in treatment," he stayed away from the word relationship as he feared she would disapprove of that. She stirred a bit in front of him and he feared this would be when she ran but instead she just wanted room to get up on the counter and once sitting on it she parted her knees so he could get close again.

"No chastity vow," she said giving him a look, "at least my last sponsor didn't inform me about that."

She gave him a wink and then took a swig of her beer. He followed her example while he let his other hand swipe up and down her thigh a bit.

"So I'm not a distraction then," he asked smiling a bit. She shook her head before she leaned her head back on the cabinet behind her.  
"Would you tell me if I was?"  
"Ain't I always brutally honest?" she asked giving him a wicked smile.  
"At work you are," he said leaning in to brush up against her lips a bit but when she went for his he withdrew, "I'm not so sure when it comes to us though."  
"I'm always honest these days," she said trying to sound casual, "that's a vow I've taken in GA. Honesty, open-mindedness and willingness."

He couldn't help but smile and she gave him a weird look.

"What?" she asked before she had some more beer.  
"Sorry but my mind went dirty," he confessed feeling his cheeks warming up.  
"Please do tell," she said sitting up a bit so she got closer to him. He looked at her but then shook his head before he brought the bottle up to his lips. She put her fingers underneath the base of the bottle and raised it so he had to have a little more than he'd planned to.

"You're trying to get me drunk?" he asked once she finally let him put it back down.  
"Maybe," she said trying to both sound and look innocent, "maybe I'm trying to loosen you up."

"Oh? I thought you liked me hard?" he said surprising even himself and the mischievous look she gave him made him hold his breath. Without letting him go with her eyes she put the bottle to her lips and then emptied it in one go. His eyes went to her mouth and when she saw it she licked her lips clean from any beer residue a little more explicit than she might have done it if she didn't have his eyes on her. Meanwhile she'd put the bottle down on the counter. She grabbed a hold of the counter and leaned in towards him a bit but left a couple of inches between their faces. Her tongue was still playing around over her lips and he wasn't sure where to keep his eyes.

"Do you like that?" she asked once she let her lower lip go with her teeth, "You like my mouth?"

He swallowed hard and nodded.

"Does looking at my mouth make you hard?" she whispered and again all he could do was nod.  
"You like to have my mouth around your hard… pulsating… huge… cock?" she tried to hold a straight face but when his grin got a little too excited she lost it a bit and had to bite down on her lip. He tried to crash onto her lips but she managed to get her hand up between them and his lips landed on her fingers instead and she pushed him back a bit. She gave him a reprimanding look.

"Did I give you permission to touch me yet?" she asked and he took a deep breath trying to get a hold of his arousal. She'd kept her fingers on his lips but now let her hand drop to his chest. He felt the electricity between them but then suddenly her face crumbled again and she let out the cutest giggle he'd ever heard.

"I'm sorry I can't…" she said gasping for air between giggles, "Your face, oh, I wish you could see yourself."

He grabbed a hold of her and got his hands on her ticklish points. She tried to get away from the tickling but not from him. She didn't want to be anywhere but in his arms right now. He was chuckling but fully aware of the massive hard-on in his pants and when her neck was just right in front of him he wasted no time getting his lips, his tongue and his teeth into it. She didn't try to get away from his touch, and not from the slight pain his teeth caused, instead she leaned into him and his hands had soon found their way up underneath her top. She'd already folded her legs around his hips so when he pulled her off the counter she ended up in his arms, crawling her way up his body even further. Their mouths had found each other and he had no intention of letting it go.

When he'd stumbled into numerous objects trying to find his way out of the kitchen though he changed strategy, got his mouth down over her neck and shoulder so he could peek ahead where to go meanwhile. He found the door and since this room was about as clear as the others he had no problems getting over to her bed. He got his knees up first, not wanting to let her eager mouth go and then slowly eased down on the bed. His hands roamed her body between them while he tried to assault her tongue just as viciously as she attacked his. Soon her focus changed to his pants though and he gave her space to remove his belt and unzip them while he tried to still stay connected to her mouth. He sucked in her air once her hand slipped inside his boxers and got a hold of his erection. She gave it a few rubs but then got her hand up so she could start to push his pants down over his hips. He let her go and got up on his knees so he could help her out and while he removed his pants she ripped her own top off and managed to get her own pants off in the same amount of time.

She was left in her bra and panties, a matching white silk set that made his mouth water up. He tried to get his hands on her bra, or more so what was underneath the fabric, but she got her hand on his chest and shoved him down on his back on the bed. She got down over him, gave his mouth a quick peck but then moved down quickly over his body. He watched her get her hands on his hard-on and felt the tremble throughout his body. He pulled his shirt and tank up to get a better view. He watched her skillfully work his cock with her hand for a while and held his breath as she brought her mouth down to leave a mouthful of saliva on his tip. She bit down on her lip and gave him a cheeky smile as she started rubbing him again.

"Do you want my mouth around your cock?" she whispered and he nodded.  
"Do I have your permission to put my mouth around your immaculate cock?" she asked and he had a hard time keeping his hips still, to not thrust up against her hands and that mouth he hoped she would soon plant on him. He nodded.

"Say it," she whispered. He had to swallow and wasn't sure he'd be able to form words right now but if that's what it took he would try.  
"I give you permission…" he said but it felt wrong and he said; "I would love to feel your mouth on me."

She gave him one last smile and then licked her way up the back of his cock, made a few circles with her tongue around his tip and then crashed down around him. He lost her in his vision for a brief moment when his head tilted back as he exhaled with pure pleasure. He soon came back up though as he wanted to add to the pleasure by seeing her perform. She'd gotten herself up on her knees a bit and he could tell one of her hands were down in-between her legs and her hips were slowly moving against the pressure her finger were giving her own clit.

As usual he wanted to be everywhere and he tried to sit up and reaching down but it restricted her working area. She got up, gasping for air a bit while keeping her motion going with her hand around him.

"Do you 69?" she asked once she found her voice. He gave her a puzzled look even though he thought he knew what 69 meant.  
"Can you service me while I service you?" she tried and he nodded even though he'd never tried it. He was willing to try anything with her though.  
"Lay back down," she said moving to his side while still working his cock with her hand. He did as ordered and then helped her get her leg over him. She looked down between them and positioned herself. He couldn't keep the excitement from his face as he was left staring straight up between her legs.

"Okay?" she asked with a hint of amusement to her voice as she'd caught his face.  
"Yes," he said eagerly as his hands swiped up the inside of her thighs. He felt her shiver under his touch.

He swiped her panties to one side and was left with an even more luscious sight. He put his arm up around her and pushed her down towards him. She was careful, didn't put her entire weight on him until he got a hang of this as she didn't want to suffocate him. Feeling his tongues swiped back over her folds though she realized how hard it would be for her to hold herself up. Luckily she didn't have to as he more or less shoved her down to get better access. She got her mouth on his cock and they both worked energetically, spurred on by each other's touch and taste and every now and then one of them had to take a moment to come up for air as it got too intense at times.

He could feel how his actions got her working harder on him and soon he couldn't hold it in. She kept her mouth on him through his release, helped him empty out every last drop and then gulped a few times as she swallowed his cum. She kept her hand around him, stroking him as he came back down. She'd gotten up off his face to give him space to breath and now she sat back down on his side as she felt him slack a bit in her hand. She gave him the most adorable smile, looking a bit embarrassed biting down on her lip.

"Oh I'm not done with you yet," he said reaching out stroking her thigh, "get back up here."

She looked really excited, hurried to get down on her back only to be able to pull her panties off and then she walked up on her knees towards his head. She turned the other way around this time, straddling him with her head towards the bedpost so she could grab on to it. She let him position her and then followed him down when he urged her to. She gasped once his mouth got on her again. She liked how slow he always worked, never jumping straight to the core or to the finish line. No he took his time, swiping his tongue to the side of her folds, over that sensitive skin where her thighs and crotch met. He used his fingers to open up her folds and blew some warm air over her core making her entire body tremble and her gasping for air. He started on her clit again, drawing circles around it with his tongue before he put it completely down into his mouth.

He kept his eyes open, looking up over her breast they got to inviting and he reached up with his hand and caused some damage to her nipples. He saw her face every now and then but mostly it was covered by her hair or tilted back making the most delightful noises that made his cock go stiff again. She was drenching his face but he didn't complain, she tasted wonderful. He could hear and feel her getting closer and he got both his arms over her thighs to be able to keep her in place. He made one last travel inside of her with his tongue and then with determination got working on her clit aiming to give her the sweet relief she now was begging for. He sucked hard and used his teeth to try and find the right balance between pleasure and pain.

Her body caved once she was just moments away and he followed her as she fell to the side, never letting her go and holding her core firmly against his mouth. He pushed her down on the bed with everything he had, keeping the suction on her knob. She clawed his scalp and he'd been worried if he didn't knew her body as well as he did by now. He didn't ease up until he felt her entire body go stiff only to explode with convulsions and he let go of her clit so he could guzzle everything she gave him. She rode her orgasm for a good minute and he worked her through it all to prolong it as much as he could. He let her go though once she fell back on the bed as he could tell how sensitive she was and it almost seemed to hurt her when he brushed up against her clit.

He still wanted to be near her though and he wiped his face on the sheet as he crawled up next to her, letting his hand caress her stomach. He could still feel the ripples of the orgasm working through her.

"That was…" she breathed with her eyes closed, "absolutely amazing." He smiled and placed a kiss on her cheek.  
"_You're_ amazing," he said feeling proud of himself but also so privileged to be able to be there in her bed next to her.

He laid his head down next to hers as his hand wandered up her body. He easily got inside her bra and stroked her areola a few turns before he paid a visit to her nipple. He didn't think he could get enough of looking at her, especially while she was coming down of an orgasm, there was a glow to her, he thought he could see heat radiating from her ivory skin, the way her lips were parted so she could breathe, the natural rouge on her cheeks. She was mesmerizing but still his eyes started to wander after a while. He was curious about her bedroom, wanted to see more of it than the bed. He kept his hand cupping her breast though, let his fingers play around underneath her bra. Her bedroom looked very much like the rest of her place, cozy but somewhat sterile.

"You don't keep any photos around," he stated more than asked. Perhaps that's why she didn't say anything and his eyes went back to her. She was still just lying there breathing calmly with her eyes shut. He rolled up next to her again and squeezed her nipple a little. Her body reacted and her face followed with a smile.

"Why don't you keep any photos around?" he asked.  
"Why should I?" she asked taking a deep breath at the same time.  
"Your place is nice but some photos would give it some… personality," he said handling her nipple softly again.  
"Personality is over rated," she sighed.  
"Yeah?" he said a bit amused.  
"Just like intimacy?" he asked teasing her a bit.  
"Yes," she said opening her eyes giving him a cocky look.

"Intimacy with me can be fun though, I promise," he said playing with his eyebrows.  
"I think being _intimate_ with you is much more fun," she said as she made a move for him getting him down on his back and she wasted no time straddling him.

She swiped her hands up over his chest, forcing his tank and shirt up. He helped out getting the items off over his head and then watched her toss them away. He sat up best he could so he could get his hands around her body and undo her bra. She made it easier for him to slide it off her and then it was his turn to toss a garment off the bed. He reached down and captured one of her nipples with his mouth. She straighten her back so he didn't have to hunch over and she willingly pushed herself against his mouth while she drew her nails down his back. He let her nipple go and traced kisses up to her neck, swiping his tongue up over her throat and then took a bite off her jaw. She exhaled in a way that sent shivers down his back and he wrapped his arms around her so he could bring her in even closer. She'd been moving her hips in small circles and his erection pressed up against her now. He wasn't ready to start back up yet though and he tried capturing her eyes. When she tried to disappear down by his neck he brought his hand up into her hair and held her face in front of his.

"Intimacy can be great," he whispered. She held his eyes for a few seconds. She'd stopped moving her hips but then she started to slowly move them again, this time in small thrust down on him.  
"Shut up and fuck me," she breathed and he couldn't disobey. He quickly put her on her back, grabbed his cock and thrusted himself inside of her in one, deep motion. Intimacy just had to wait.

**An hour later** he laid panting on his back, starring up onto her ceiling with not much thought about intimacy and just a silly grin on his face. He heard her panting beside him and turned his head. All he saw was her bare backside and a tousle of blond hair. He reached out and touched her back.

"Are you okay?" he asked not having been in contact with her for a while, their last position had her face hidden from him.  
"Are you kiddin' me," he heard her breathe, "I'm spectacular." He chuckled and let his hand go up and down her back until it finally landed down by her spine drawing small circles.

"Why do you always do that?" she asked with her face still buried in the sheet and hidden underneath her ruffled hair.  
"Do what?" he asked.  
"That thing you're doing right now," she said. He looked down on his hand.  
"I dunno," he whispered turning more towards her, "it just… feels nice." He moved down while keeping up the motion. He trailed a few kisses down her back and ended up with his lips right by his hand.  
"Your skin is very soft down here," he said replacing his hand with his lips and he had a taste of her skin. He took the chance to fondle her ass a bit while his mouth played around on the spot.

"Do you mind?" he asked once he'd gone over every inch of the area a couple of times.  
"No, it just reminds me of someone," she whispered sounding a bit sleepy.  
"Not another lover I hope," he said climbing up over her body. She stirred a little.  
"No, far from it," she said as he tried to dig out her face from underneath all that hair.

He found it and got a short glimpse of her blues before she closed them again. He really wondered who she'd been thinking about but he wasn't sure how to ask without being too intrusive. He explored the side of her face with his mouth, tasted the outside of her ear and just tried to enjoy feeling her underneath him. She was there, completely naked underneath him and still all he wanted was more of her. He swiped her hair off her neck and took a big bite that made her giggle. Her body vibrating underneath him made him feel giggly too and he had to let her go as a smile spread across his face.

"I could actually eat you," he chuckled rolling off her a bit so he could see her face a little better. He kept one leg over her though, letting it entwine with hers and he kept his hand on her back and let it swipe up and down her back. His hand ended up down by her spine again but this time it did travel down over her ass a bit too and his eyes went there. He loved watching her body, her skin, feeling it underneath him. She was just perfect in his eyes.

"You're not going all Hannibal Lecter on me are you?" she said disrupting him from his thoughts. She'd been watching him for a while but couldn't figure out what was on his mind. His eyes came up to meet hers and his face stayed blank.  
"You have lotion?" he asked seriously but then lost it immediately afterwards and he fell forward laughing at her disgusted but yet amused face.  
"I'll put _you_ in a bucket," she threaten trying to squeeze his face out from her neck when he tried to get there to kiss her. He laughed and rested his head on her shoulder for a while until they both were back to breathing normally again. He'd been able to see her face the entire time and he saw it loosen up as he draw circles further up on her back. He moved down next to her so he could look her in the eyes. She gave him a vague smile but then closed her eyes.

"Can I stay the night?" he asked.  
"I just don't feel like getting dressed right now," he tried once her eyes popped up to meet his. It was a lie, he really just didn't want to leave her.  
"Yeah sure," she said trying to sound casual. Truth was she really didn't want him to leave either.  
"You wanna sleep or do you wanna…" he said with a smile on his face that gave away what option he had in mind. She smiled too.  
"Maybe we can just lie here for a while, see what happens," she suggested and he had no problem at all with that option either.

As usual though she avoided his gaze but at least she lay still and let him play around with strands of her hair. He traced them down on her back and twirled some around his finger. At one point he managed to stick his finger down her ear and it made them both chuckle.

It had made her open up her eyes again and he tried holding them with his. She was literally saved by the bell though as her phone buzzed on the night stand. She got up on her elbows and picked it up. He saw the letters AJ in the window.

"Go ahead, take it," he said once she put the phone back down as though she were going to ignore the caller.  
"Nah," she said but he could tell she was hesitant.  
"C'mon, I don't mind," he said actually wanting to know who was on the other line.  
"'kej," she said getting up on all four as she grabbed the phone.

"Hey," she said once she answered.  
"Hey girl," came from the other line, so loud even he heard it and he felt a bit relieved that this AJ was a girl.  
"What's up?" Amanda said leaning back against the headboard grabbing on to the sheet to cover her naked self up a bit.

Nick got up on her other side and laid down on the pillow also putting some of the sheet over himself. He couldn't overhear the other side of the conversation any more so he listen to Amanda but did his best to hide it and picked up a book that was on her other nightstand. Kathryn Harrison "While they slept: an inquiry into the murder of a family" he read, not the lightest night time literature he thought before he went back to listening in on her conversation.

"Really?" Amanda said and sounded a bit amused. Whoever was on the other line talked a lot Nick noted as it took time between Amanda's responses.  
"Nah, not tonight," she said and Nick felt her glance over his way.  
"Cause I'm working tomorrow," Amanda argued. Nick figured this AJ was trying to lure his girl out. Was Amanda a party girl? He wouldn't put it past her. By now he wouldn't put anything past her, he thought smiling to himself as he continued trying to pretend to be interested in her night time reading.

"Saturday? Yeah maybe," Amanda said and Nick felt her eyes on him again.  
"I said maybe," Amanda chuckled, "no I'm going to sleep now. Good night and have fun. Yeah, bye." Amanda hung up shaking her head a bit. Nick put the book back on the night stand and then turned towards her.

"Party plans Saturday?" he asked not able to restrain himself. She shrugged sliding down a bit against the headboard.  
"Who's AJ?"  
"Just someone I know from back home," she said quietly.  
"From Georgia?" Nick asked curiously and she nodded.  
"And she's here in New York, that's great," he said and she gave him a smile and a small nod. He watched her pick at her nails for a while.

"So you go out partying together?" he quizzed when he couldn't really drop it.  
"Well yeah AJ can party," Amanda smiled without looking at him.  
"So you go to clubs or? Do you like dance?"  
"Yeah there's dancing, clubs, a lot of drinking," she said sliding all the way down to her pillow.  
"It would be fun to see you clubbing," Nick pondered a bit. She didn't look at him and there was a silent pause.

"Can I come with?" he finally dared to ask straight out when she didn't bite on his last subtle insinuation that he wanted to come with them. She gave him a look.  
"_You_ want to go clubbing?" she asked with an amused face.  
"Well yeah," he said, his hand finding its way up her arm, landing on hers and he brought it down with him on the bed between them.  
"These guys head out at like midnight," she said with a tone that doubted he would be up for it.  
"I'll take an afternoon nap," he said and it made her chuckle.

"So can I come with you then?" he wanted to know.  
"Why?" she said looking at him with a suspicious face. He shrugged.  
"To meet AJ? To see you dance?" he had plenty of reasons but his main one was he just wanted to spend time with her perhaps doing something more than just have sex.

"Say I can come," he close to begged.  
"Sure," she said with a shrug trying to downplay it.  
"Cool," he smiled and she rolled her eyes at him but with a smile on her face.

"So what do I wear?"  
"Just like jeans and a nice tee. No tie," she said giving him a look.  
"Okay, and what, do we meet them somewhere at midnight?"  
"They work a restaurant midtown and they get off at midnight so I usually head there first, get a free drink," she said trying to sound casual. He gave it a thought.

"So can we like have dinner before we go out clubbing?" he asked and it earned him an immediate look from her. He tried to stay cool but he held his breath and he hoped she wouldn't feel the slight sweat that formed on the inside of his palm that held on to her hand.  
"Dinner?" she repeated. He nodded.  
"Why not? You got to eat right, especially if you're going out all night," he said casually. Her eyes narrowed a bit though and he feared she was seeing through him.

"Okay," she said and he tried to hide his excitement, "but it's just dinner, it's not a date."  
"No date, got it," he said. He took a deep breath trying to subdue the overwhelming feeling forming in his gut. He was really looking forward to Saturday now. He knew he had to settle himself though, he wouldn't ruin the night by going overboard. It would just be dinner. He would do his best to act cool but it did feel like a milestone.

The excitement quickly turned to lust and his hand found its way over her underneath the sheet. It didn't take long until he followed and caught her lips with his as he positioned himself over her. He felt her spread her legs a bit and he got into a slow but steady circular motion against her pelvis, rubbing his crotch against hers and it made her open up even more. He took it slow though, played around with her mouth as he felt his erection grow. She was usually not much for slow build-ups but this time he couldn't feel any resistance or complaints. Her hands were slowly moving up and down his back and it took a while before he felt her nails dig into his skin. He was happy she let him set the pace and that she didn't hurry it along.

After a while he was so erect he didn't even have to use his hand but just readjusted himself a bit and then slowly slid inside of her. She gasped a little and he gave her time to acclimatize herself before he slid all the way inside of her. At the base he just stayed still inside of her for a while, enjoying that incredible warm sensation surrounding him and the fact they fitted perfectly together. Once he finally got going she wrapped her legs up around him which made her follow him with every thrust.

He got up on his elbows so he could briefly separate from her between kisses just to get a glimpse of her aroused face. Her eyes looked a little drowsy like she was slipping in to some delirium and he liked to think that face was only for him and he was the only one who could bring her that pleasure. For a second he contemplated telling her he loved her but he feared that would ruin her moment and instead he tried to show her his true emotions instead. He got his hand down between them so he could put a finger on her clit.

They kept taking it slow but then nature took over. They were both panting hard as he thrusted himself up inside of her. She'd put her feet down, planted them high up by her hips which gave him plenty of access and something to thrust up against. He put his arm up over her head to help her receive his thrusts. He felt her nails dig into his butt cheeks and he could tell she wasn't far off now.

"Say my name," he whispered right by her ear.  
"Say my name," he urged again when he didn't hear anything but moans and then his name slipped naturally over her lips.  
"Nick."  
"Again," he begged and his name started to pour out, getting caught in her throat every time a thrust came in the middle of his name.  
"Oh Nick, Nick, N-nick, oh Nick."

He got both hands up in her hair and he held her down with every powerful thrust. He moved rapidly and vigorously, making the entire bed rock and the second his name came out of her mouth in a long, releasing groan he let himself go and he came inside of her in a few forceful thrusts as his name died down on her lips. Even though he felt completely tapped out he kept moving himself inside of her to let her ride out her orgasm until he felt her pelvis start to relax underneath him.

The sweat covering them made him slide off her to the side. She rolled up on her side away from him while still gasping a bit. He missed her and rolled up behind her. He got his arm in underneath her so he could embrace her. He placed a hand on her stomach so he could push her hip back against his crotch and folded his legs after hers, spooning her. His other hand went up around her neck, resting on her shoulder. He nestled in his face in the back of her head, getting draped by her damp, soft hair and he savored the moment. This was where he wanted to spend the rest of his life. He had her and there was no way he'd ever let her go.

* * *

_Coming up... the "date", one of Murphy's proactive UC operations lands Amanda in some trouble and later on - Amanda meets Zara (and Maria!)_


	4. Chapter 4

So this 'date' ran a little long than planned so I cut out the UC op just to get something out there for you guys. The UC op and the Frank Maddox case (still following script) will be in the next chapter that hopefully won't take too long to finish up. Sorry about the delay but I hope it will be worth waiting for, it has the whole 'you have a blind spot for men in power' speech & some serious talk between Amanda & Nick in it.  
And thank you so much for the reviews. I'm seeing and reading all of your/s and I wish I could have like, you know those spoiler buttons on communities, well I wish I had one of those but for smut. There's not so much in this chapter though (will probably disappoint some *sorry* but there is plenty of groping at least) but when the two gets near a bathroom together then you might want to grab that pillow and keep reading with it in front of your face or perhaps jump a few lines. Just saying ;)

Happy Midsummer btw! I'm going out to jump around like a frog around a flower and birch covered pole now, just another one of our crazy traditions up here :)

* * *

**Chapter 4**

* * *

He had a hard time containing himself. It was already hard to try and act as nothing was going on between them when around the squad room. He had no problem handling the cases or the suspects but then there would be that brief moment when she got a little too close, when he could smell her and his pants felt a little too tight. He snapped out quickly though, knew it could get her in trouble if Liv or if a perpetrator caught wind of his affection to her. He would never not defend her when she was challenged or pursued but it wasn't that often she actually needed him to come to her aid.

Right now though Saturday was mostly on his mind. He knew his anticipation level was so high it was bound to disappoint. He tried to get a grip on himself which wasn't easy when he felt as nervous as when he was 14 and taking a girl to the movies for the very first time. That had been his first real date and even though Amanda had emphasized twice now that this wasn't a date he couldn't help but feel that it was very much so a date.

He changed shirt four times that Saturday finally settling on a white one with a nice cut and discreet pattern on the front. He knew white brought out his dark complexion nicely and it fitted well with the black jeans he had already settled on. He put on a nice belt and would finish the attire off with a simple black summer jacket in case the night got chilly. He shaved, put on some fragrance and then put some effort into fixing his hair. Once by the mirror in his foyer he got a little self-conscious feeling like he tried a little too much perhaps and couldn't help but think he looked a little like George Chakiris or one of his crew in West side story. He tried flattening his hair a bit and then headed out grabbing his keys, money and his phone trying to put on a braver face than how he felt.

Her place was in walking range but he didn't want to get sweaty or anything and hailed down a cab since they needed one to get to the restaurant anyway. He'd texted her that he was on his way but when they pulled up by her building she still wasn't down so he told the cabbie to wait as he checked upstairs. He found her door at bay and he got a little wary calling out her name as he slid it open a little further.

"I'm here, I'm coming," he heard her shout from within the apartment and her tone sounded a bit rushed.  
"I'm sorry, I…" she said coming hurrying out from her bedroom and she said something about taking a jog and she was running late but he spaced out cause she was absolutely gorgeous, and he could smell her from there, a sweet scent of violets which made his head spin. He watched her spin around the room collecting things or something.

Her hair was all curled up and some of it bundled into a ponytail while some strands were framing up her face beautifully. She wore make-up that made her eyes bigger and somehow brighter. He loved seeing her with lipstick like this but it did make it harder for him to resist her. And if that wasn't enough what she was wearing didn't help either. She was in a black dress or tunica perhaps, it was a little lose fitting on top but with a deep plunging neckline that revealed a bit of her bra which was just as sinfully black as her top garment. The sleeves were wide with a slit going down to her elbow were they were attached somehow. The midsection was tight and then the bottom part ended well above her knees. She was wearing black stockings, when she came a little closer he could tell they were fine fishnet stockings. She wore a long, silver chain around her neck that fell down her cleavage.

"What?" she asked once she realized he wasn't contributing to the conversation she was having. She was putting on a pair of hoop earrings and her head was tilted to one side a bit.

"You're gorgeous," he said with a big grin on his face.

"Get out of here," she said rolling her eyes a bit but couldn't really hide the smile.

"Amanda," he said calling for her attention when she tried to turn away, "you're breathtaking." She shook her head a bit and hoped her rouge would hide the fact she was blushing.

"I'm feeling under dressed now," he said. That made her turn to face him again.

"Nick, you're fine," she said seriously but then gave him a look as his grin spread across his face again.

"You called me fine," he teased cocking his eyebrows.

"Oh you shut up, let's get out of here," she said trying to get past him but he grabbed a hold of her arm and wheeled her in. She pretended to put up a little fight even though she didn't want anything else than to be near him right now. He let one hand rest on her midsection and put the other one underneath her jaw so he could tilt her head up a little, he wanted a good look at her. Whenever she'd been dolled up like this he'd only been able to watch her from a far, it was no way he wouldn't make sure to get a closer look now that he had the chance.

"I promise to stay away from you for the rest of the night but to be able to do that…" he said once he could tell she was getting restless under his intense gaze and then he closed in on her mouth. He tasted her lower lip before he draped her entire mouth with his and met her tongue halfway. His hand went down over her ass and he couldn't help but press her up against him a little. She moaned a little into his mouth as her core was pressed against his thigh. He felt himself starting to get excited too and knew he would have to let her go soon or he wouldn't be able to let her stay dressed. He managed to separate himself from her mouth and rested his forehead against hers. They both took a couple of deep breaths.

"You smell delicious, taste even more so but I think the cabbie's probably missing us," he whispered.

"We could tip him good," she suggested and he chuckled. She separated herself a bit from him though and then reached up to swipe her thumb over his lower lip.

"This color suits you," she mocked a little as she let him go. She grabbed a pair of black high heels from the floor and sat down on the closest surface which was the couch table. He tried to wipe his own lips a bit as he checked out her toned legs as she got her heels on and fasten the ankle cuffs. He could not wait to see her dance in those.

"Okay let's go," she said getting up. She easily swiped passed him in her heels that took her to his height, grabbing a black little clutch bag with a thin strap from the kitchen counter. She stopped by the foyer mirror and added a new layer of lipstick before she grabbed her keys and then told him to get his ass moving. He did nothing to hide his grin as he passed her. She locked her door and put the keys down in her clutch.

"Did I really promise to keep my hands off you the rest of the night?" he asked as they rode down the elevator. She gave him a side glance attached to a slight nod but her face quickly turned to a smile as she felt his hand sneak up the back of her thigh and land on her ass.

"Weakling," she said as she stepped out on the ground floor. He hurried up to her so he could open the door for her and then somehow managed to beat her to the cab as well and repeated his chivalrous manner. She said hi to the driver as she slid over to the other side of the cab so Nick could get in after her. She adjusted her dress to cover up her thighs and didn't miss the disapproving glance Nick gave her. She chuckled silently as Nick gave the cabbie the address to the restaurant Amanda had made reservations at for them. She'd been tenacious to handle that part, he figured it was to emphasize that this wasn't a date.

He paid the cabbie and told her she could pay for the next one when she complained a bit. She said she would pay for dinner but he knew there was no way he would let her do that. She got out on the curb on her own and waited for him by the entrance to the restaurant. He felt very proud as he saw two guys who were smoking outside the restaurant checking her out only to a bit sheepishly look away as he walked up to her and she greeted him with a smile. She might not want to think of this as a date but he, and the rest of the world did and that was at least something.

As they were running a little late they were immediately shown to their table. Nick ordered in a bottle of red after having checked with Amanda that's what she wanted. Amanda said she was starving and they dove right into the menus but if she would've been honest it was mostly cause she realized the restaurant was filled with mostly couples out on, what looked like, romantic dinners and it made her feel a bit uncomfortable and in need to hide behind one of the largest menus she'd ever seen, she felt like a midget behind it. This discomfort might also have been the reason she downed her first glass of wine rather quickly.

Nick did his best to stay calm and tried to make her feel at ease as he could pick up on the fact she wasn't feeling all that comfortable. He picked it up by the fact she downed her first glass of wine in just two goes and in-between 'sips' she'd been chewing down on her lip while gazing over the crowd in a way she would stare down a suspect in the interrogation room. He wasn't sure how to make the situation easier for her and even though he did it he wasn't sure refilling her glass was the best way.

"This place wasn't that shabby, first time you're here?" he asked and she nodded while picking up her glass.

"How did you find it?"

"It's in walking distance from AJ's work and you could book online," she said shrugging. That was the simple truth, she kind of wished now though that she'd chosen another spot and paid a little more attention to the fact it was Saturday and she was booking for two. She felt a bit silly though for letting the surroundings get to her. They were just two friends out and about grabbing a bite to eat before going out drinking. But looking at him over the table, the candle between them lightning up his face and him looking so damn fine it was hard to ignore the butterflies in her stomach.

She excused herself to the bathroom just to get away for a bit. Nick couldn't help but check her ass and legs out a bit as she walked away but he also felt a bit concerned. He didn't like that he was making her this uncomfortable and a part of him feared she would duck out the back door and just leave him there. When their starters came and she still wasn't back he got even more worried she had made a break for it. He exhaled when he finally saw her coming back to the table.

He fought the urge to get up and hold out the chair for her fearing that could be the drop that would have her actually fleeing. She sat down with an apologizing smile but didn't say anything. She feared he would hear the tremble on her voice, how nervous she got by just catching sight of him. She gulped some more wine and then grabbed her fork as it seemed he was waiting for her to get started. _Why did he have to be such a darn gentleman? This would be easier if he was a jerk._

"This was good, yours?" he tried once the awkward silence got to him. She hummed in consent as her mouth was filled with whatever it was she had ordered. She really had no idea and it wasn't that good either. It was just a prawn with some garnish, a total waste of time and just confirmed her disbelief in starters.

"Are you sure?" he asked sensing she wasn't being honest.

"I've just never seen the point with starters you know?" she confessed and his face immediately lit up since he just knew she would have a good explanation, "I mean it's just this teeny tiny thing on a plate, and yes it might get your appetite _salivating_ or whatever but just give me the frickin food already."

He chuckled and put his napkin up to his mouth to prevent slobbering.

"I know it's not very lady-like but what can I say," she said grabbing her glass and feeling a slight blush on her cheeks.

"That has nothing to do with being a lady or not, I get your drift," he said trying to contain his smile, "I think they probably came up with starters to get the customers to drink more."

"Well it's working," she said raising her glass before she put it to her lips.

He had a hard time letting her go with his eyes but he noticed the faint image of a dragon on the wall behind her and it got him an idea.

"Have a dragon or be a dragon?" he asked pulling her attention before she was able to drink some more wine.

"Huh?" she asked a little dazed.

"Would you rather have a dragon or be a dragon," he repeated calmly. She smiled and seemed to relax a bit.

"Be a dragon," she answered after giving it just a brief thought. He'd been expecting that answer.

The conversation got a little more fluent after that, Amanda seemed to relax more and more with every sip of wine she had. He'd picked up before that alcohol usually got her talking, not that she was silent otherwise but alcohol made her talk more freely and it was refreshing to listen to her.

Their main course finally came around, he'd ordered fish while she picked meat. He did notice that she didn't eat with as much appetite as she usually did. She said there was nothing wrong with her food but he figured it must be something. He asked her if she wanted a taste of his and he enjoyed feeding her a fork across the table. It gave him an opportunity to stare at her lips without having to hide it. She looked absolutely stunning in the candle light.

The dinner was running smooth, they ordered Irish coffee for dessert and he got a chance to touch her hand when she reached for some chocolate shavings that was left on the table for garnish. She froze when his hand landed on hers, she lingered on the side of the small plate and kept her eyes on his fingers that swept over her hand. A waitress passed them and she withdrew her hand quickly. She shot him a quick glance when he held out the small plate for her and she whispered a thanks as she sprinkled some of the shavings over her whipped cream. He didn't need it, the shy smile she gave him was sufficient enough for him.

They got in a bit of hassle once they decided to get the check in. It was of course placed in front of him and he refused to let her pay. She looked really fuming though and he offered her to pay for the drinks for the rest of the night.

"You're like one step away from a teetotaler," she groaned.

"I promise I'll try and keep up with you," he said challenging.

"You can try," she said still sounding a bit pissed but he sensed her warming up again.

"I will, and I will enjoy trying," he said turning his attention to the bill.

Walking over to the restaurant where this AJ worked he quizzed her a bit about how the two of them knew each other. He learnt they were in high school together, ran tracks together and stayed in touch after graduation. AJ apparently came to New York to pursue an acting career years before Amanda transferred up. AJ had done a few off-off-Broadway plays but now supported herself as a waitress at a place where she got to dress up at and only auditioned for commercials. She'd been the legs in a Veet commercial he learnt and when he said she must have nice legs then Amanda let him know he would for sure get a good look at them later on.

He wasn't really interested in seeing AJ's legs but he was looking forward to meeting her. He hoped to be able to quiz her a bit about Amanda's past, that she would have something for him that might just help him figure out Amanda a little better.

They reached the restaurant but Amanda pulled him away from the entrance and into the side alley. For a moment he hoped they were going to kill the time before midnight doing something shady in there but he realized she was taking him to the back entrance. She took him in through the kitchen where the cooks were tidying up for the night. Nick could tell they recognized Amanda as they gave her a nod as the two passed through.

"We can wait here," she said as they reached a connecting room. It didn't take long until one of the cooks popped his head in.

"Hey, can I get you something?" he asked.

"Gavin, hi," Amanda said, "this is Nick, he's coming out with us tonight."

"Cool, hi Gavin," the man said extending his hand and Nick shook it.

"Hi," Nick smiled.

"Beers?" Gavin asked turning back towards Amanda. She shot Nick a quick glance and when she got a nod from him she told Gavin yes please.

"I'll be right back," he said and ducked back out. They weren't alone for many seconds since three people in very elaborate costumes walked in.

"Hey girl," one of them said and Nick thought he recognized the voice from the phone call earlier that week. The woman, who wore some sort of crow costume, threw her arms around Amanda's neck.

"You look awesome," she said once she let Amanda go.

"This is Nick," Amanda said ignoring the compliment.

"Nick, this is AJ, and Goren and Lola," Amanda said gesturing between her friends. Goren and Lola raised their hands in a wave at him while AJ apparently wanted a hug so Nick granted her one.

"So nice to meet you Nick," AJ said letting him go but keeping her hand around his arm, which he felt as she squeezed it a bit. AJ turned her head towards Amanda and gave her a look, Amanda shot her a stern look back. Nick spotted the exchange of looks but didn't really follow. _Had Amanda said something to AJ about him?_

Gavin came back with their beers and AJ told him to fetch a crate for them. She then told Amanda and Nick that they would change and be right back. Nick didn't get any alone time with Amanda since they were joined by another few waiters and waitresses in crazy costumes. Nick lost track of their names and who were going out with them or not but as AJ and some of them came back in he started to separate the groups as some were staying in costumes and he figured they would not be joining them. The boss stopped by to thank them for a good night's work and to wish them a pleasant evening. He greeted Amanda by name and by the brief verbal exchange they had Nick got the feeling he was familiar with her, that she must've spent some time back there in the past.

Once the crate was empty they started to head out. AJ, who were blonde and not brunette as when he'd first met her, grabbed Nick under the arm and she was quite talkative.

"Oh so you're a cop too?" she said turning her head back towards Amanda who were walking behind them sharing a few words with Gavin. They exchanged glances again.

"Aha," Nick just said. He wasn't sure what Amanda had told her friend about him and he didn't want to ruin anything.

"That's interesting," AJ said once she turned her attention back at him.

"Why?" he had to inquire.

"Manda's always said she wouldn't date another cop," AJ said holding on tight to his arm.

"Oh we're not… dating," Nick tried.

"No?" AJ said sounding surprised and he shook his head.

"So you're just friends with benefits then?" AJ said giving him a serious look. Nick wasn't really sure what to say but didn't have to say anything in the end as AJ's face broke into a wide grin before she slapped his arm and then announced they had arrived. There were a few people in line outside but AJ just brought them past them and the guards let their entire company pass.

Nick soon found himself at a big round table by one wall, the music was loud and there was a warm and somewhat frisky atmosphere all around. He had Amanda to his left and a guy, that he later learnt was called Stud, to his right. He wasn't sure if Stud was his real name or if it was a nickname perhaps linked to the stud he had pointing out of his lower lip. Anyway he was really chatty and had some interesting views on the negative impact of social media, Nick wasn't completely clear on how they'd landed on that subject but he didn't mind.

He soon found himself with a drink in his hand and trying to follow this Stud as he tried to explain why he thought Mark Zuckerberg was an Illuminati. He managed to at the same time keep an eye, and ear, on what Amanda was up to. She had AJ to her left and they seemed to be catching up on what had been going on since they last saw each other. It didn't take long until Amanda and AJ were pulled to the dance floor, Amanda asked Nick if he wanted to join but he said he was fine and she hurried after AJ once she'd shot him an extra glance just to make sure he really was fine.

Nick _was_ fine. The music was a little loud but he enjoyed himself. Stud soon found someone else to trash social media with but Nick didn't lack company. Amanda's friends were all very social and interested in him. As they'd learnt by now he was a cop he got a lot of questions about his juiciest crimes he'd ever solved. Apparently Amanda never talked about her job and it was the one thing they didn't like about her.

While he talked to her friends he kept track of Amanda and it was a joy for him to see her in this new environment. She seemed so relaxed, surely the alcohol helped, and she was a vision on the dance floor. AJ mostly had others attention with her untamed dance moves but Amanda had Nick's. She wasn't as untamed as AJ, although AJ did push her there at times, making Amanda grind down with her.

She did spend a lot of time on the dance floor or over by the bar getting more drinks for herself, and Nick as promised. But she always made sure to check in with him from time to time and she did sit down next to him, at times even shoehorning herself in-between Nick and the person he had a conversation with. Never interrupting the convo though. She usually stayed around long enough for them to swop a few words at least. He was keeping a tiny eye on how many drinks she was consuming but her eyes were steady and her speech unaffected so he wasn't worried.

At one point he found himself right next to AJ, she hadn't been at the table since after those first couple of minutes when they got there. He hadn't kept track of her, he'd only seen her when she was grinding down on the dance floor with Amanda or the two sharing a moment over by the bar. AJ seemed like an extremely social person. She asked him if he wanted a refill on his drink but he said he'd stick to water for a while.

"I wish I had your character," she said leaning in to him with a big grin before she put her lips around the straw in her current drink. He'd taken her for rather drunk but suddenly she seemed very lucid.

"So how's she doing?" she asked. He'd been keeping his eyes on Amanda who were standing a few yards from their table talking with someone Nick didn't recognize. He turned his attention to AJ.

"How's Amanda doing?" she asked again as he looked a little confused. Nick felt himself ramble a little as he wasn't sure how to answer her or what exactly she was after either.

"Look," she said leaning in even closer to his ear so she didn't have to shout as much, "I know you're more than friends, and not cause Manda has told me, she's a clam, but I can see the way you're looking at her, and the way she's looking at you."

"She's looking at me?" he had to ask feeling something in his gut flutter slightly.

"Please, she's picturing you naked every time she looks at you," AJ grinned. At that right moment Amanda turned her head back towards them and Nick felt both flushed and a tightness in his jeans when her eyes landed on him. She shot him a questionable look but he just shot her a smile and then she turned back to the person she was talking to.

"And I know Manda doesn't really think I'm the insightful type, which is right by the way, but I think you're probably the reason I haven't seen her around much these past weeks. But before that I know there was a reason she hung out in the back of my restaurant almost every night of the week. So I'm wondering if she's doing better now? Have you fixed her Nick?"

"I'm not sure it's something that can be fixed," he said honestly not taking his eyes off Amanda, "but I like to think I'm helping her along."

"In more ways than one," he added giving AJ a cheeky smile. She shoot him one right back and added a bit of eyebrow wink. Nick decided though this might be a good time to probe a little more and dropped the cheekiness.

"Does she often get into such… episodes?" he asked hoping AJ would get his drift. She shrugged.

"Not as bad as a few weeks ago, I've only seen that once before like after a few months when she first got to town. Usually it's nothing a night out can't fix. Get some booze in her, get her to relax. Used to work in high school and that hasn't changed."

"You got her drunk in high school too?" he smiled.

"A girl got to help out," she grinned at him, "and she needed to get out of that house of hers."

"Why?"

"It just wasn't a nice place to hang out at, not much love around, at least not the right kind," AJ said a bit cryptically.

"What do you mean?" he asked turning his attention straight at her.

"Oh nothing, I'm drunk, I'm just happy she got away from that crazy family of hers," AJ said, planted a kiss on his cheek and then took off towards the bar after leaving her empty glass on the table in front of him. Nick watched her slap Amanda's behind as she passed her and Amanda shouted something after her before she turned her head back towards Nick again. He watched her say something to the person she was talking to and then she came over to him. She placed her knee up on the seat next to him, leaned in and asked if everything was okay. He couldn't help but just slightly brush by her thigh with his hand as he gave her a nod.

"So you're enjoying clubbing?" she asked with a smile.

"Yes," he said loudly and convincingly. They changed tunes on the dance floor and Amanda's eyes went there briefly.

"There's one thing you still haven't done yet though," she said once her eyes came back to meet his again.

"Yeah? What's that?"

"You haven't danced," she said cocking her head towards the dance floor.

"Oh I'm not sure…"

"Oh c'mon, dance with me," she said trying her puppy eyes which made him laugh.

"I don't do well dancing like that though, I'm more familiar with the type of dancing when you hold on to someone," he confessed feeling insecure about giving it a try. It had been ages since he danced like that, and even back when he wasn't that good to his own admission.

"I'll hold on to you," she said. He gave her a suspicious look, thinking it was just a way to get him up there but her nod was very convincing. He thought he heard a tiny squeal from her when he started to move out from his seat behind the table. She grabbed a hold of his hand and he quickly entwined his fingers with hers as they made their way over to the dance floor. She offered her other hand to him as well as they got there but then got a little self-conscious for some reason. She wasn't sure if it was the proximity dancing like that even if they had plenty of space between them or if it was just holding on to him in public like that. Not that she thought many people paid them much attention but she knew this was different. This wasn't just someone she was hooking up with, this was someone she cared about and it was probably the alcohol that made that fact impossible to try and ignore right now.

Even though the music was far from a slow dance she soon found herself very close to him and feeling his cheek just nearby her own, seeing his skin that close to her and smelling him, it was the same smell she'd felt many times between, or on, or even off, the sheets. She felt a pain inside, it was no other way to describe it, it did feel like a pain. It was physical and it tore in her chest and she felt a need to separate herself from him.

He enjoyed this sort of club dancing. He did enjoy seeing her move around on the dance floor but he feared that if she tried to grind him he would just not be able to control himself. Dancing like this though, being pushed closer to her by the crowd surrounding them and holding on to her hands with anyone and everyone able to see. He could get used to that. He felt the moment when she got stiff though, when she just froze and he got a little concerned when she took a step back keeping her head down.

She wasn't sure what was going on and she feared for a while that she had too much to drink. It would just be like her to get intoxicated and make a fool of herself she was able to think to herself but when she looked up at him she could see him perfectly. Nothing was spinning, well except her gut that was making twirls as she felt an arousal spreading from her core and out through her body. It was all very physical and she felt a need to kiss him.

She was still very much aware of the people around them though, another sign she wasn't completely wasted, and her eyes went around the room once she was able to tear them off him.

He stepped in, wanted to make sure she was okay but then she let one of his hands go and pulled him along by the other one. He just tagged along as she pushed through the crowd. He wasn't sure what was going on but he was rather sure she was at least okay since he didn't think she would drag him along if she wasn't. He apologized to a guy that Amanda more or less shoved away when he was in the way to wherever she was going. He had to smile a little at her assertiveness.

He really had no idea what was going on but soon found himself being shoved inside a bathroom. Thankfully it had a door with a lock as she wasted no time unbuckling his belt and he no longer wondered what she was up to. He'd seen that eagerness before. The tiny space was completely drenched in red light and it made it all seem very mystified to him.

"Hey," he said trying to hold her back a bit even though he felt a part of himself not able to restrain itself at all. She muffled him with her mouth and as soon as he felt her tongue inside his mouth, filling him with the aroma of pineapple and liquor, he was lost. He pushed her up against the closest wall, holding on to her face as he tried to get his tongue deeper inside her mouth. Her hands worked quickly and he felt his pants getting shoved down from his hips. Her hand on him made him gasp and he worked his mouth down her neck to be able to get some air while his lips still eagerly worked her.

"Fuck me," she whispered close to his ear. He wasn't sure if it was the music he heard pumping in the background or if it was the sound of his own heart racing, probably a mix of the two. He used his body to shove her up further against the wall as he moved in between her legs, letting his hands go in under her dress. She got her one foot up on the washing bowl, the other one was already on the toilet seat. She had her shoes on so he didn't care about any sanitary risks and he tried to ignore the slight worry about the wall being filthy against her back. She certainly didn't seem to mind at all.

He struggled to get her stockings down in the position she was in, that they both were in.

"Rip 'em," she panted feeling him struggle with his task. He pulled away just enough to be able to look at her.

"Rip 'em," she repeated with a very predatory look and tone of voice. He held her eyes as he tore through the thin layer, and she bit down on her lip when the threads dug in a little into her skin. He caught her lips with his as he pulled her panties to the side and slipped two fingers inside of her. She inhaled quickly, let out a couple of frantic yelps as he moved his fingers around inside of her and she forced herself closer to him by latching on around his neck. He pushed her further into the wall feeling her need for closeness.

She was more or less dripping already but he still took a couple of moments to rub her clit before he grabbed a hold of himself to guide himself inside of her. He froze for a second when he heard a pounding on the door but then gave it no more thought as all he could think about was getting deeper inside of her. He put one palm up against the wall behind her and let his other hand hold on around her thigh as he thrusted himself up inside of her a couple of times. He swiped his hand up and down her extended leg a few times and tugged a little more at her torn stockings just because it felt incredibly sexy. Their mouths met again as someone shouted on the outside of the door.

"What if they come in?" he managed to breathe against her mouth.

"Yeah what if?" she said catching his eyes briefly before she closed the gap again biting down on his lip. He tried keeping his eyes open, watching her drenched in that red light with someone right outside wanting to burst down the door for all they knew was incredibly sexy and it made his mission more forceful. He could already tell she would be able to come without more stimulation than this and he kept the motion going, just thrusting up inside of her in a quick and determined manner, making her ass beat up against the wall.

He heard the music pounding in the walls, her yelps with every thrust and his own groaning as they climbed climax together. She dug her nails into his neck the moment before she reached release and then when he felt her entire body go rigid he let himself go in vigorously thrust that had her purring. He held on to her as they rode out the orgasm, preventing her from slipping down the wall and even when she managed to get her feet down on the floor he held on to her to make sure she was steady on her feet but also cause he didn't feel like letting her go just yet. She reached up and caught his lips even though they were both still out of breath. Her tongue twirled around his a few laps before she broke free.

"I need to pee," she breathed, "turn around." He did as told but the mirror made him have a full view of her anyway. She caught him looking, gave him a cheeky smile and but then ignored him. He couldn't completely tear his eyes away from her but he did get his own pants in order and then got the water on to wash his hands and splash a little water on his face.

Once she'd flushed she had a look at the state of her stockings and then seemed to decide to get rid of them altogether as she started to hitch them down completely. She didn't have anywhere to sit as the toilet was missing a lid and she tried to get her leg up to undo her shoe but she wasn't in a state where she could balance that good.

"Let me," he offered and squatted down in front of her. He fumbled a little with the ankle cuff but it just gave him some time to fondle her leg with his other hand. She reached over the washing bowl meanwhile.

"It's easier if you use both hands," she teased as she dried her hands on some paper.

"I know but it's not as much fun," he said letting his hand slip up even further on the inside of her thigh and he both felt and saw the shiver going through her body. He gave her amused look.

"Don't start what you can't finish," she warned.

"Is that a dare?" he asked and stopped what he was doing. The look he gave her was definitely a dare and she bit down on her lip with excitement. Whoever was on the other side of the door spoiled the moment for them though as he again banged on the outside. Nick shot her a grin, leaned in to place a kiss right above her knee and said;

"I'll deliver when we get home."

"Tease," she whispered but did look a little relieved when he shot her a look. It would be a lie to say she hadn't have sex in a bathroom before but it had never been that good and she feared another round would leave her completely unable to keep herself upright. He got her shoe off and slipped the stocking off it before he placed it back on. The banging on the door had stopped so he took a little longer time with the second shoe, swiping his hand up and down her calf a few times and then squeezing her toes in his hand just because he felt like it.

Once he'd placed her second foot down back on the floor he let his hands run up her now bare legs as he kept himself close, inhaling deeply as he passed her crotch and then brought the dress up with him so he could place his hands underneath it on her ass when he caught her lips with his to give her a passionate kiss.

"Have I told you lately that I find you very attractive," he asked once he was able to let her mouth go. She rolled her eyes at him as usual but he also caught the smile. She turned in his arms to get to the water again and he smiled when she wet her hands and swiped them underneath her arm pits and then around her neck.

"Did I make you flustered?" he teased.

"Don't flatter yourself," she said bumping her ass back a bit against his crotch.

"Oh," he breathed, "now who's the tease?" She sighed and told them to get out of there before someone broke down the door. They got a few looks from the line outside the bathrooms but Amanda ignored them and Nick couldn't help but stare back a little proudly. He'd never had sex in a bathroom before but it was just another thing he could get used to if Amanda was by his side.

AJ caught them coming back and didn't miss the fact Amanda was without her black stockings now. She gave them a plain-speaking look but then told Nick to have a look at her legs. They'd been in a commercial she let him know and he did his best to keep from laughing as Amanda burst into giggles behind AJ's back.

They stayed for another couple of hours. Amanda spent a little more time on the dance floor with her friends but came to sit by him every now and then. After their bathroom session she wasn't as reserved and he felt her hand on his thigh more than once. He figured that gave him permission to touch her at least a little and he kept his hand on her back whenever she was around, maybe he even coped a feel further down when he got the chance.

During the night he got to learn a couple of more things about Amanda from her friends. One guy told him that Amanda was a killer at karaoke but she needed a few before she went up there. AJ spilled that the two of them once were arrested during their high school years for being drunk and disorderly and that Amanda had to spend the night in jail since her mom was nowhere to be found. AJ had refused to leave her friend their once her dad bailed her out and she'd slept the night on the stairs outside the police station. He never got to hear how, or when, Amanda got out since AJ was probably just as, or even more, drunk and disorderly than back then and she soon found something on the other side of the table that needed her attention apparently.

And just as back then AJ wasn't the only one drunk, Amanda came in a close second. He'd seen her eyes go cross-eyed the last time she popped by him but now they were even more so and even a little droopy.

"You wanna head home?" he asked getting his mouth close to her ear as he put his arm around her shoulders so he could get her to lean back with him.

"You're so cute," she blurted out, her hand a bit sloppily patting his chest.

"Well thanks, you are pretty cute too," he countered placing a kiss on her temple. He let her rest against his shoulder for a while. Suddenly the lights turned on and the music died quickly. Nick couldn't help but smiled as he realized he'd closed a club, for his age that wasn't too shabby he thought to himself. Gavin popped down on the seat next to him.

"You'll make sure she gets home?" Gavin asked him. Nick nodded.

"Good, we're taking AJ home," he said and then leaned in over Nick to place a kiss on Amanda's more or less sleeping face.

"Good to meet you," Gavin said putting out his fist and Nick pumped it or whatever it was called.

"You too," he said.

"Again, I hope," Gavin said and then took off. Nick tried to get a look at Amanda and her eyes popped back up when he moved.

"Ready to head home?" he asked.

"Sure," she said and got up trying to act a bit more sober than she was. She did manage to stay upright but he did see her sway a little and got his hand around her waist. Whatever reason he liked just being close to her. He grabbed his jacket and made sure she still had her tiny clutch over her shoulder. Heading out they said bye to some more of her friends and Nick let Gavin, AJ and another girl get into the first cab. Amanda looked as though she needed the air anyway.

"You doing okay?" he asked and tried getting some strands of hair away from her face to get a better look at her.

"I think I'm a bit drunk," she said and ended it with a slight hiccup. He smiled.

"I think you might be right," he said placing a soft kiss on her temple.

"I won't puke though," she said staring a bit vacantly ahead, "I hate puking. I won't do it."

"Okay, but it's okay if you do. I won't leave your side," he said.

"You won't?" she asked looking up at him with puppy love eyes.

"No I won't," he said chuckling slightly, "now c'mon let's get home."

He helped her get into the cab and he really enjoyed when she crept up right next to him and put her head on his shoulder. He gave the cab driver her address and then turned all his attention to her.

"I really like your friends," he let her know.

"Yeah, they're nice right?" she mumbled.

"They really are, AJ cares a lot about you."

"Yeah she really is," Amanda said and Nick smiled at her cute disarray.

"She told me you two got in some trouble back home in Loganville," he said trying to get her attention and it seemed to work.

"Oh no," Amanda complained, "I told her she couldn't tell you anything like that." She sounded a bit devastated.

"It's okay, I like learning more about you, good or bad," he said placing a kiss on her hair. He felt her shiver slightly and he asked her if she was cold. She said no but when touching her leg he thought she felt cold so he put his jacket over her lap.

"My knight," she mumbled half asleep. He enjoyed just having her close for the rest of the ride. Once they reached her place he paid the driver before he started to make any attempts to get her out. The driver offered to help out but Nick said he got it. He managed to get her to at least help out a little and soon he found himself holding her upright on the street as he shut the cab door.

"Okay," he said catching his breathe a little. For a petite person she'd been rather hard to fold out of a cab. He held on to her a for a while, again just enjoying this new experienced even if she was stone drunk. This had been such an awesome night on many levels. They had a dinner out, in public, just the two of them. It had started out a little awkward but it ended on a much better note. It had been nice seeing Amanda among her friends and the club had been a… an experience for sure. Standing there now outside her building as the sun was coming up over their great city he was tired but very pleased.

"Okay, let's get upstairs," he said once he'd pulled a deep breath, "but I'm warning you, I will carry you if you don't help out a bit."

He'd figured right when he thought that would get her moving. She wasn't always moving in the right direction though but it did earn them a few laughs as they made it upstairs. Laughing seemed to give her a bit of energy back. Once on her floor their laughter got an older neighbor lady popping out her head and Nick apologized a million times.

"You should've made an ugly morning mug arrest," Amanda blurted out once the old lady popped her head back in and Nick tried to muffle his laugh.

"Okay let's get you inside before you get us in anymore trouble," he said grabbing hold of her waist from behind and he got her slightly off the floor as he moved them over to her door.

"We should've just stayed out dancing," Amanda said once inside and made a twirl that would've landed her on the floor if he hadn't been there to grab a hold of her.

"I think we've had enough dancing for tonight," he said planting a kiss on her neck as he brought her further in. He made her sit down on the couch and then helped her out of her shoes. She didn't lean back on the couch, more slumped to one side but still managed to look cute in her less than sober state.

"I'm just going to get you a glass of water before we head to bed," he said making his way into her kitchen. He made her drink the entire glass hoping it would help her feel better in the morning, or rather later today since it was already morning.

"Okay, let's go," he said grabbing a hold of her hands to get her up off the couch.

"But I don't want to sleep," she moaned.

"No?" he said glancing back at her as he kept pulling her along towards the bedroom. Once there though she said she was in need of the bathroom, to pee though, not puke she defined when he shot her a worried look. He figured it would be okay if he tagged along since she didn't seem to mind at the club and he really didn't want to leave her alone even if she was off her high heels now. While she was on the toilet he got his jeans off and then took the opportunity to smear some of her toothpaste on his teeth and he rubbed it out with his finger and some water. He got her a piece of paper once she seemed done but had lingered on the toilet in a bit of a blank state for a while. He smiled at her idle look. Once she got up on her feet he pulled her to the sink and got the water running for her. He flushed for her and then stepped up behind her again. She seemed to have slipped into a bit of immobile state. He took the opportunity to again plant a kiss on her neck and then got her hair down. Looking at over her shoulder at their reflection in the mirror he couldn't help but smile and he contemplated what to do with her. He liked the role of caretaker. As a kid he always wanted to take care of his mother, a job that got that much easier once his abusive father left the home for good.

He figured he should probably try and get some of her make-up off. He told her to rinse her face off and she did as told. Coming back up she looked like she was war-painted and he chuckled slightly as he got a towel to her face. It was really hard getting the make-up off and she had a frown on her face every time he pulled the towel back. With a little help from her but more help just using his eyes through the bathroom cabinet he found some remover and he used a cotton pad to clean the residue off. He made a note to go for that first thing next time cause it did seem more gentle for her. He kissed her nose once he felt done but that made her frown and he laughed.

"Okay let's get to bed then," he said spinning her around slowly and pushing her out of there.

"But why can't we just keep dancing," she asked.

"Cause sleep would be so much better now," he said as his hands went up underneath her dress to pull it off her.

"Sleep is for suckers," she spat out and he chuckled. She managed to spin around in his arms without him losing his grip on her dress and she raised her arms when he told her to.

"You agree don't you? Only wimps need to sleep," she said as the dress went over her head.

"Actually I think sleep can be nice," he said tossing her dress over the bed post.

"You're a bore Nick Amaro," she said, with a smile though.

"Yeah?" he challenged, "That's not what you thought at the club when you dragged me off the dance floor and into the bathroom." He coaxed her back up on the bed. He caught her lips when they were both up on the bed, on their knees facing each other. The toothpaste in his mouth and the liquor on her breath made a less than thrilling blend in his mouth but he didn't care as it felt so good with her tongue wrapped around his. He brought her down on the bed and then let her go once her head was on the pillow. He got back up to remove his tee and smiled as she pulled a deep, satisfied breath and then closed her eyes. He'd heard of kisses that could make girls come to life but none that put them to sleep. The two of them were unique for sure.

He lay down next to her, swiping his hand up her leg and then over her stomach pretending to check that she wasn't cold. She seemed warm enough and he let his eyes swipe over her body. He should probably put the sheet over her though he thought to himself but she was just so damn sexy in her matching black satin bra and panties. He spotted a red line on her thigh and looking closer he saw a few more and realized the ripping of her stockings must've made them. He stroke his hand gently over the most prominent mark, feeling bad for having inflicted marks on her body. He got up on his elbow so he could lean over her, wanting to check the other side. He couldn't spot anything on that side, running his hand in underneath her a bit to make sure he couldn't feel anything either.

"A tease too," she whispered croakily and almost made him jump. He leaned back on his elbow so he could watch her.

"Who you calling a tease?" he smiled, "I'm not the one laying here all sprawled out in seductive lingerie looking all gorgeous now am I?"

"Well you are kinda gorgeous," she smiled and he actually thought he could see her cheeks blushing some.

"Then I guess we're a good match," he said leaning down planting a quick kiss on her lips.

"And still a tease," she said once he let her go that quickly.

"Oh? So what do you want then?" he asked running his hand over her stomach, brushing by the hem of her panties.

"Do you want me to touch you?" he asked and she nodded.

"You want me to touch you here?" he asked running his fingers along her bra cups. She nodded. He could see her nipples stiffening underneath the sheer fabric and he ran his hand over them making her take a deep breath.

"Here?" he asked running his hand down her stomach. He didn't catch her nod as he was following his hand with his eyes.

"Here?" he asked reaching down to her thigh, letting his fingers run a little on the inside of it. He didn't get the usual response, the slight shiver through her body, so his eyes came up to meet hers and he continued as he saw her nod.

"Here?" he said running his fingers up between her legs over her panties without putting any pressure to his touch.

"How about here?" he said running his fingers inside the hem of her panties. She opened up her legs slightly as his hand sneaked down inside her panties. He found her parts quickly but less moist than usual.

"I'm sorry," she said and he pulled his hand up a little, still resting inside her panties though.

"I'm just too drunk, I can't feel a thing," she admitted without feeling any embarrassment, at least any visible.

"That's okay," he said leaning down to kiss her cheek. He was actually very tired so he didn't mind a pass right now.

"But help yourself," she said sprawling out a bit, "you have my permission to do whatever you want with my body."

He smiled a bit but pulled his hand up out of her panties and brought it up to her face so he could tilt it a bit towards him.

"Thank you, that's very admirable of you but I prefer you when you participate," he said affectionately.

"Well I can try, I can…" she said reaching down towards his crotch but he grabbed her hand and pulled it back up, placing it against his chest instead.

"You don't have to, Amanda, I'm fine with just being here with you," he said. She tried holding his eyes, had to fight them to not go cross-eyed and then sighed.

"Is this some of your intimacy crap again?" she said trying to turn away but he grabbed a hold and easily got her down on her back again.

"Why is that so hard for you? Intimacy is great," he said forcing her to look at him but then she just closed her eyes.

"It's wasted on me," she said pinching her eyes shut with a smile on her face.

"Oh c'mon, intimacy can never be wasted," he said urging her to open her eyes up by nudging her cheek carefully.

"What are you so scared off?" he asked once he had her eyes again.

"I'm not scared. Amanda Rollins is never scared," she said trying to playfully flex her arm muscles but she couldn't really operate them either she realized. Apparently her body was failing her collectively tonight.

"I think you are," Nick challenging her. He figured he was rather safe since she was so drunk.

"I think you're afraid that I will tell you how I feel about you," he said watching her closely. He did feel a little cowardly that he brought this up right now, she was obviously not in a state for serious talk. He couldn't help to think though that he might get some truthful answers out of her right now.

"Are you afraid that I will tell you I love you Amanda?"

He needed no answer as her body answered for her. He wasn't sure if it was a cringe he saw or if it was just her squirming. Either way she looked very uncomfortable and tried to roll away from him.

"C'mon let's just sleep," she sighed.

"Amanda, tell me," he urged though pulling her back, "does that scare you? Does it scare you to know I love you?"

"I'm not scared, it's just wasted on me," she said trying to get him to lay off her face.

"Why?" he asked a bit stunned.

"You should save that for someone who deserves it," she said and got her hand up on his face to shove it away a bit. She'd never been a sad drunk and she wouldn't start now. She was a drunk drunk though and he easily avoided her hand. He brought it back down on the bed and tried to find her eyes again.

"Why would you not deserve to be loved?" he asked but she managed to avoid his eyes with just as much skill as when she was sober.

"Oh don't go all profound on me, I'm just saying _you_ should direct all that… whatever to some nice girl and don't waste it on someone like me," she said managing to meet his eyes. When he just looked at her she made a funny face at him.

"You can use me for sex whenever though," she said with a laugh that got stuck a bit in her throat.

"I don't want to use you," he whispered feeling a bit sad.

"Well I don't mind, now let's just sleep," she said turning away from him.

He stayed still for a bit but then grabbed the sheet to cover them with and he scooted in close to her. He'd hope the night would end on a happier note. _Why would she not find herself worthy of his love? His love wasn't any better or worse than any other. She seemed to think he was on some pedestal, or at least that she was beneath him somehow. Why would she think that? Was this about Nate? But hadn't he made clear to her that he didn't despise her for that, that he put all blame on Nate and not her?_

He laid there just staring into her blonde mane for a while, feeling her relax under his arm. He wanted to explain what she said away by her being drunk but he feared this was her true feelings, only coming out thanks to the alcohol. Why would she feel herself unworthy of anything? Didn't she realize just how much he adored her? He couldn't spend a single day at work without thinking about just how much he wanted to hold her, push her up against a wall and kiss her violently or to scream it out loud that he loved her. _He loved her_. There was nothing she could say or do to make him change his mind about that.

"I don't care what you say," he whispered, "I love you and I'll prove it every day from now on."

**She felt about as** good as he'd expected she would once she finally woke up later that day. He'd woken up hours earlier, taken a shower and then borrowed a pair of her sleeping boxers and an Atlanta Braves shirt. He made himself some coffee, stole a donut from her kitchen counter and then slumped down on her couch in front of a baseball game on TV. He went to check on her a little later but she was still sound asleep. He'd found Tylenol in her bathroom and put it out along with a glass of water just in case.

Since he got a little bored he snooped around a bit. He figured she might not like it but he was a detective after all. He checked her DVD collection and found mostly action and horror flicks but also some older classics. At the bottom of the bookshelf he found a box and when he opened it he felt a little like he'd hit the mother lode. It was filled with photos. He found class photos of Amanda, some with her in her softball gear all propped up, another one of her at the tracks with some friends. He thought he recognized AJ in one of the photos.

He found plenty of Amanda and her sister, both usually with silly grins like they almost tried to mock the one on the other side of the camera. He didn't put it past any of the sisters, especially when they were young and more untamed. He found some of her with what must be her parents, or at least her mother. She shared many facial features with her mom along with the blonde hair and petite body.

He wasn't sure how long he sat there but he went through the entire box and could've gone through it again if he didn't feel a need to check on Amanda. He put the box back in its place, not sure he would admit to her that he'd peeked at it or not, and then he hurried inside the bedroom feeling a sudden rush to see the person who'd once wore two red ribbons in her soft strands of hair and sulked while propped up against a holiday scene. It was the cutest, sulky toddler he'd ever seen.

She was still asleep, on her stomach and all twisted up in the sheet. He let his hand go up her bare leg and then jumped up to her back and he lay down next to her as his hand swept underneath her bra strap. She moaned a little as he placed kisses on her arm.

"Just kill me know," she mumbled after a while and it made him chuckle.

"I can't do that but I can give you Tylenol," he whispered in case even the tone of his normal voice would be strenuous today.

"I can't swallow," she grunted, "I might just die regardless." He swept away some hair off her face and kissed her temple.

"I think you'll live," he whispered. He kept watching her for a bit and she could probably feel it as she started to stir.

"What time is it?" she croaked.

"Past two," he let her know and she moaned.

"Are you hungry?" he asked but the frown that spread on her face told him what the notion of food did to her gut.

"I need a shower," she said and managed to stretch out a bit. He stayed by her side and just enjoyed seeing her slowly come alive. Soon she was up on her elbows, face in her hands and draped by her hair that was still all curled up.

"I am sorry you're not feeling all that great but I really had a good time last night," he said touching her hair.

"So I didn't do anything that made you shun me forever?" she said from behind her shield of hair.

"No way, you were just great fun," he said, adding after a slight pause, "Don't you remember anything?"

"Some, right now I need to pee," she said and started to ungracefully climb over him to get to the bathroom. He could tell she got a little unsteady on her feet once she got off the bed but she found her bearings quickly and shed her bra on the way into the bathroom. He couldn't help but smile. He rolled over and buried his face in her pillow. It was still warm and he took a few deep breaths into it as he could smell her.

Once he heard the toilet flush and then the shower get turned on he got up on his feet. She'd left the door open but he still stayed semi hidden behind it as he knocked.

"Can I get you some coffee then?" he asked since she'd refrained from food.

"That would be a blessing," he heard her raspy voice say from inside.

"I'll be right back," he said and hurried out into the kitchen. He might just have ulterior motifs for bringing coffee to her in the shower.

"Can I come in?" he asked once he was back with a cup of coffee. He heard something that sounded like a yeah but drenched a little by the shower. He still stepped in and tried to hide a smile as he saw her squatted down on her heels by one wall in the shower. She hadn't pulled the curtain but the shower was pointed to her head and not much spilled outside.

"That bad?" he asked squatting down nearby not caring that some water drops hit him.

"Tylenol should kick in soon, thanks for that," she said with her head still down. It didn't take long though until she popped her head up and even though she was pale she had a smile to offer him. That smile grew a little once she saw the coffee and she got up while trying to turn the shower off. He handed her the perfectly temperature coffee and she let out a delightful moan as she drank it.

"You truly are a godsend," she smiled once the coffee had gone down her pipe.

"And don't forget it," he winked at her. He couldn't keep away and touched her cheek once she'd taken another mouthful coffee. Even drenched she managed to look adorable to him. She leaned into his hand and he had to move his hand back around her neck to wheel her in a bit and he felt the aroma of the coffee once their lips met. He got a taste of it once she let his tongue come in for a visit.

When he finally let her go she got an amused look on her face when he caught what tee he was in.

"What?" he asked wanting to know what she was thinking.

"I just come to think about… well AJ and I, back in the days we were like big Brave fans."

"Were?" he interrupted and she cocked her eyebrow at him.

"Like such big fans we had this deal that we could only hook up with fellow Brave fans. Like exchanging saliva with a Yankee fan was a big no-no and she tried to keep the promise once she got here but it was bound to fail. I think I still have the four pages long e-mail with her amends once she found herself between the sheets with a Yankee fan," Amanda chuckled slightly.

"And what redemptions do you have to own up to by now?" he said letting his eyebrows play at her.

"Oh I'm beyond salvation by now," she said leaning in for another kiss.

**He'd made himself** let go off her after a while so she could get a proper shower. She looked a whole lot better once she stepped out of the bathroom, the dose of Tylenol, coffee and a warm shower had done it's magic. He even managed to talk her in to ordering take-out and a while later they were enjoying some Chinese on her couch while talking. He managed to steer the conversation to last night and it seemed she had no problem remembering their bathroom escapade. He apologized for her ripped stockings or more so the fact he'd given her marks. She said it was a just price to pay for the pleasure but he wasn't sure if she meant the price of the stockings or the marks. He didn't get a chance to ask her as he soon found her mouth on his. She'd crept in closer between his legs. He was turned towards her on the couch and she folded her legs above his. He let her have his box so she could put it away on the table next to hers.

She smiled cheekily as she scooted even closer once they had no obstacles blocking their path to each other. They kissed for a long time, taking the time to explore every inch of each other's mouths and just slowly moving their hands around each other's bodies. For once she seemed perfectly comfortable with just staying at kissing and he couldn't help but see it as progress. He managed to capture her eyes a while later, they both were in need of some new oxygen. He let his eyes trace every inch of her face and he wasn't sure if it was the hang-over or something else that made her able to just sit through it.

"Do you remember what we talked about once we got home last night?" he asked with barely a whisper. Her eyes narrowed a little as she tried to think back.

"Nah, I'm sorry, I was that drunk," she said shaking her head a little embarrassed. He quickly placed a kiss on her forehead to make her feel better.

"Not anything?" he asked though wanting to make sure it was just not a conscious glitch to get out of the subject.

"We got you to bed, you called me a tease and we started… well I touched you but you said you were too drunk to…"

"Oh I'm sorry, do you want to…" her hand immediately went to his crotch as though she wanted to make up for not coming through last night.

"No, no," he said quickly, "that's not what…" He took a deep breath and shot her a smile. Her hand just lingered on his crotch.

"I didn't mean it like that," he said caressing the side of her hand. He did appreciate her willingness for… well anything but it made him scared it was all about sex for her.

"We talked a bit after that, about intimacy," he watched her closely, looking for any signs on her face.

"Oh," she just whispered and looked honestly unaware. He did feel her hand move away and she placed it on his thigh instead.

"We talked just a little about why it was so hard for you," he said and immediately lost her eyes.

"You should really not take advantaged like that of a girl in that state," she said and came back up to meet his eyes with a cheeky look on her face. She winked at him and he couldn't help but smile but he tried to focus back knowing this was probably just another one of her tactics to get off the subject.

"I asked you if you were afraid of hearing how I felt about you," he said feeling scared but also proud that he managed to be this open and honest with her.

"Nick, I…" she said as she squirmed a bit.

"Don't," he said touching her lips, he didn't want her to try and get out of this.

"I asked you if hearing that I love you scares you," he said and felt a bit chicken for not just saying it out loud but sneaking the 'I love you' in there. He couldn't exactly say what changed but there was a change, in her whole demeanor and even though she remained by him he felt the distance.

"I'm sorry Nick, I really can't right now," she said clearing her throat and sitting up a little.

"I think we need to talk about this though," he tried.

"Well I just can't right now," she said getting up off the couch, "I have a GA meeting in like less than an hour and…" Her words disappeared with her as she walked towards the kitchen with their take-out boxes in her hands. He sighed and momentarily pushed himself back against the couch before he got himself together and took off after her.

"I'm sorry, did you want more?" she said once she spotted him and she extended his food container towards him. He shook it off though. Food wasn't what he wanted right now.

"You said you didn't deserve my love Amanda and I really want to talk about that cause…" She cut him off by placing her lips on his.

"Let's not get into this now okay? I really have to catch my meeting," she said once she let him go which was just as abruptly as she'd started.

"But I…" he said stumbling on the words he wanted to say to her.

"Really have to get going," she said, this time she was the one with her finger on his lips. He sighed, dropping his shoulders and she seemed to take that as a win. If you could call it a win.

"Thanks for getting food into me, that's what I needed after all," she said walking out of the kitchen with the best smile she could fabricate right now. In fact her heart was racing and she'd felt an sudden urge to jump out of the kitchen window just now. She had to make sure to not get that drunk around him again, it was clearly dangerous.

He gave her some time, or perhaps he was the one in need of some time, before he joined her in the bedroom. She'd slipped out of her easy wear and was getting a pair of jeans on. He liked that they were so comfortable around each other, that they could go to the toilet or change in front of each other, but then why was it so hard to talk about their feelings?

"Can we talk later then maybe? I can hang out here or go with you, hang out in your car while you're in there?" he asked really wanting to address this sooner than later.

"You're more than welcome to hang around here but you just never know how long these meetings run and even though I'm feeling rather good right now I have a feeling I'm going to crash soon and with work tomorrow…" she tried to sound casual about it but she was freaking out on the inside. _Why did they have to talk? Weren't they having a good time as it was? Why ruin anything?_

He looked very disappointed but still nodded.

"I can drop you off at your place, it's not such a long detour," she offered and again he nodded. He got dressed and it didn't take them long to get down to her car. He knew this meeting was real, he'd seen the sheet on her fridge, but he still couldn't help but think it was partly a cop-out. The ride over to his place was quiet, only once broken by her mentioning they still hadn't fixed the window at this store that were vandalized the other week. They'd passed it plenty of times going back and forth to his apartment. Looking at the broken window he couldn't help but symbolize with it a little. She was the one thing that made him feel whole but also broken. How was that even possible? The highs, the lows, the constant rollercoaster. He was enjoying the ride but he couldn't help but wish to get access to that one part he felt left out of, her heart. _Was it just that she didn't feel as strongly for him as he did for her? Or didn't she know how she felt or how he felt? Wasn't he being straightforward enough?_

They got to his place and he half-hearted listen to her thank again for everything and that she was fully aware she still owed him like a hundred drinks to reset the score.

"So does that mean you'll let me come out with you again?" he asked not able to smile wholeheartedly.

"Sure, I think AJ had a good eye towards you," she smiled back.

"It's more important to me that I got yours," he said not letting her go with his eyes. She smiled a little awkwardly and brushed a few lose strands behind her ear.

"Well I better take off," she said taking a deep breath.

"Okay," he said but didn't move at first. He really wanted to say those three words straight out. _I love you_. But something made him scared that if he did it would be the last he saw of her, which was nonsense since he knew they would see each other at shift tomorrow.

"Call tonight if you feel like it," he said instead. _Please call me_.

"Okay, I might crash though," she said. _I really want to call you_.

"Bye," he said climbing out of her car. _I love you_.

"Bye," she said. _I think I love you_.


	5. Chapter 5

Again, thank you so much for the reviews, I can't tell you how much I love reading them. And for my bat shit crazy fan - I wish I could've posted this chapter right after I read that review, it deserved a treat for the laugh it brought me. Unfortunately it needed major proof reading but here it is...

And this is the chapter where I sort of go off script. The Maddox case and then Murphy's proactive operation follows the show but then I'm taking it down my own path. The UC operation continues into the next chapter (is there a scary cliffhanger in your near future?) and then Zara & Maria appears and that's inspired by the show but doesn't follow what actually happen on the show. And then there will be my own season finale but some major Rollaro fluff scenes in-between all of it.

Warnings for this chapter - some angst, then some crude language and the smut warning for this chapter involves a cab ride (during & after, Nick is being a bad boy)

Happy reading & I wish all you lovely people the best weekend ever!

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**Chapter 5**

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Amanda never did call him up after the GA meeting but he tried to still think positive of the weekend. They'd had dinner out in public just the two of them, he'd met her friends, got just a little bit of insight on her and she'd let him stay around for at least most of Sunday. A lot of good things had happen. And nothing had really changed. She hadn't pushed him away further or called it quits. They were still on and that meant he still had time to win her over.

It had to wait though because they caught a high profiled case at SVU that needed their full attention and would take up much time. Well-known TV producer Frank Maddox was accused of molesting his young daughter. The accuser was Maddox ex-wife though and the case quickly became messy when media got involved.

It wouldn't be the first time the Maddox made headlines, they were newsworthy when they started dating, the producer and the young actress. Then their wedding had been plastered all over news and gossip magazines. The ugly divorced of course got even more media coverage and they were back in the spotlight when Frank Maddox was seen stepping out with the ex-wife's youngest sister.

It was hard not to draw similarities to the Woody Allen case. And it was hard to not take sides. Amanda found herself on the same side as Nick, which was a bit odd since they usually butted heads on cases. This time she found herself on the opposite side from her partner but they could usually still work well together and it was no different this time around.

Since it was a high profiled case it went quickly to trial and of course it was a media circus where the focus went off the real matter – keeping a young girl safe. Amanda's focus was on her though but she just didn't believe that the father was the perpetrator. The girl seemed coached and it looked as though she was just used as a token in her parent's feud. Amanda could relate. Her own mother had tried that same move, not really on purpose but she had been the instigator.

Her mother had wanted their father to stay away, Amanda never understood just why she hadn't just cherished the few hours of babysitting since her mother complained constantly about how the girls restrained her life. Amanda always felt like a burden to her mother, it didn't help even how much she tried to help out around the house or to take care of her younger sister, she still always heard she was a nuisance and good for nothing.

But instead of letting her father help out her mother always made a fuss when he came around to take them out for a few hours. She remembered very well that ugly ordeal out on the street that had led to the police and social services dropping by. Her mother had yelled at her dad to keep his hands off her girls and how she knew how inappropriate he handled them. A neighbor had overheard and called social services. Thinking back Amanda figured she'd probably meant how inappropriate it was for the girls to be around his habits, sitting out in the parking lots outside casinos just waiting for him to come back out since minors weren't allowed inside, or hanging around bars or at his drinking buddies' dumps. She was probably right but Amanda still always adored being with her dad. He never called her names or slapped her over the head. He gave her hugs and, even though he had to be drunk for it, he was the only one who said he loved her.

And then it was probably pride that made their mother stick to her distorted story about their father violating his daughters. Amanda remembered overhearing her mother talk to one of her covetous friends in the kitchen and she was saying how her mother could probably get money from the state if her girls had been violated. So that's how Amanda found herself on the other side of the table from a woman with a funny haircut and glasses that made her look like an owl. There was a microphone on the table in front of her and the lady were putting papers in front of her with the male and female form and asking her to point at them to where her father had touched her or where her father made her touch him.

Amanda was 8 at this time though, wiser than her years and had learnt to keep her mouth shut by now. Her sister on the other hand hadn't though, and let's face it, would never learn it. In this case though it would come back and bite their mother in the ass. The chatty six year old had nothing to spill about her dad but had plenty to say about her mother's latest boyfriend. She told the owl lady all about how he walked around their place completely naked and how he touched his 'willie' on the couch.

Nothing really bad came out of it all. Their mother just kicked the boyfriend out which Amanda didn't mind. She wasn't fond of how he always wanted her or Kim to sit on his lap when he was on the couch. She wasn't comfortable with how he always put his face really close to her neck and how his breathing changed when she was on his lap, and even though there was a tingle inside her that she did like whenever he touched her or just were nearby she still felt a bit relieve once he was gone.

Amanda knew that both her and her sister were exposed to sex from a very young age. It was just a fact and Amanda didn't dwell on it too much, trying to pin anything on her mother was just a waste of time. She grew up listening to her mother have sex in the other room, she had peeked through a tiny crack in the door along with her sister and they had interacted what they saw and laughed about the grunting and the moaning. The language around their house had always been crude and Amanda had lost count on how many times she'd been sent to detention for cursing or using rude language in class.

There were surely a reason why she, and Kim, at an early age had started meddling with boys. She learnt early on that sex or even just the temptation of sex could both give you things and advances in this world. While Amanda learnt to control this urge though, Kim used it callously. For Amanda it was about the sex, she liked the sex and wouldn't apologize for it. She never wanted to be in a place again though where she exchanged sex for a favor, or to escape thugs at an illegal gambling club.

When Lt Murphy unexpectedly called her into his office in the middle of the Maddox trial to give her a little speech and more or less accuse her of having a blind spot for men in power it caused all sorts of emotions to flare. He brought up her father, her captain back in Atlanta and even Cragen. _Like what did he know? _

But he did know she'd been more or less willing to get down on her knees to cover her own ass. It was like their dirty little secret. Her own cross to bear. Maybe Benson knew though and it only added to her dislike for her detective. If she knew then there was probably nothing she could do to get back to her sergeant's good graces, she was unredeemable. But perhaps even more so in her own eyes.

_Did she have a blind spot for men in power? Had her mother been right cussing out her dad?_ She hated doubting herself, she hated going all deep and to try and find rhyme or reason when it came to her own person. She rather just be. There was no point looking too much a head, to get your hopes up cause then you'd only get them trampled. But if you just were in the moment, no looking back either, then you could just live and be happy and enjoy that brief moment of joy before it disappeared for good. Cause everything in life were fleeing, it would be lost at some point.

And she hated getting labeled. So it wasn't enough she already had the working class morality, even a crook had been able to see that. Now she had a blind spot too. And for men in power nonetheless. Like she was some bloody victim to them, a slave to them. No way.

She couldn't get Murphy's words out of her head though and she had a hard time relaxing since her thoughts went there every chance they got. Her captain back in Atlanta had surely been a man in power, they hadn't crossed the line though but she couldn't pretend they'd come close and that the spark had been there. And he weren't the only one. Thinking back she could find many examples of older men who'd tickled her fancy. From some of her mother's boyfriend, to a teacher's aide in high school and then a professor in college. She'd slept with an instructor in the police academy. Thankfully a female counselor had talked to her about conduct and how hard it was to be a female on the force. Amanda didn't think she'd known about her illicit affair with the instructor but more that it was an advice she gave all female officers that came her way. Amanda realized it wasn't worth getting the label and she knew she wanted to make a career of this and there was just no way she would sleep her way to the top. She wanted to get ahead on her own merits and not because she was good in the sack.

Nate wasn't that much older than her but he was, at least in GA, clearly in a power position to her. _Nick? What was Nick? Did he have power over her?_ _They were both detectives but he was second grade. That meant he outranked her right? And he often acted at work as he was her superior. And off the beat he clearly seemed to want to protect her, be some noble knight. All his talk about intimacy and feelings and…_

_But that really wasn't the truth, he didn't act any other way than… thoughtful. And what was so wrong with kindness? Or protectiveness for that matter? Not that she needed it though. She could take care of herself but it was nice to feel safe, like you didn't always have to have your guard up. But would he really still like her if he knew? If he knew all the dirty secrets, what bad genes she carried or what dark thoughts that clouded her mind at times? _

He could tell something was on her mind. They'd hooked up a few times since they went out clubbing. As usual she mostly followed him home, they rumbled around his bed for a few hours and then she went home to sleep. He had been back to her place though and they had done more than just occupy her bed. The Maddox case had been all over the news for weeks now and they caught Frank on a talk show last week right before the trial started up. It was a tricky one, a he said, she said case where there just wasn't enough evidence on either side to clear it up and where the little girl wouldn't come out unharmed either way.

Perhaps the little girl was the reason he wanted to believe the father, he didn't want to know that yet another child had been sexually abused. SVU was hard but the cases with the kids were always the hardest for him. He saw his daughter in every little girl and now he had a son that he saw in every little boy. His own divorce and the slight custody disagreement he had with his ex when she planned to move to DC surely made him a bit bias with the man. He wasn't sure why Amanda parted with Frank though. It wasn't that common that they took the same stand in he said, she said cases.

She'd been in Murphy's office one day when he came back from court. He'd asked Fin what was up but he said he didn't know. When she walked out she'd looked just a bit pale and her eyes had gone by him without noticing him which was rare these days. When he tried to approach her to make sure she was okay she'd brushed him off, sounding a bit cross for unknown reason and ever since then she'd been a bit distant, even in bed.

**He could feel** she wasn't there even before he opened his eyes. Reaching out touching her spot in her bed he could tell the sheets were cool, she hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed his tee off the foot of the bed and pulled it over his head before he shuffled out towards the living room. He spotted her in the window, she'd opened it and sat casually at the windowsill. She brought a cigarette up to her lips and took a drag off it. He wasn't fond of cigarettes or cigarette smoke but she looked darn sexy sitting there in the moonlight with her hair out and nothing but her panties with smoke around her silhouette.

"I didn't know you smoked," he said. She jumped having been deep in thought.  
"Woha, don't fall," he said taking a few steps towards her.

"I don't scare that easily," she said trying to sound tough and took another drag off her smoke. He could tell something was off. She'd been like this for a couple of days now, acting a bit callous with a bitter tone on her voice. He was pretty sure when it had started. He'd been in court all day following and testifying in the Maddox case and then as he got back to the station he'd caught her coming out of Murphy's office with a pale look on her face. Her eyes had gone past him without even noticing him, which was rare these days.

He'd approached her but she'd brushed him off and headed for the bathrooms. He'd wanted to walk into Murphy's office to ask him what was going on but of course he hadn't been able to so instead he'd asked Fin. All he knew was that Murphy had called her in there.

He hadn't been able to find her as it was more than time to head home and she wasn't answering her phone. Then she'd suddenly been at his door, all to his liking but she hadn't said anything just had a devious look on her face and then more or less jumped him with a bit of desperation to her handling of him. She'd fought him for control, for the top position all night even though there was no need to, he would happily hand it to her if she just asked for it. At times she seemed to like being overpowered but that night it had been hard for him to read her. He'd tried asking her if anything was wrong as she got dressed that night and she immediately got defensive and he hadn't dared to bring it up again even though he was dying to know what transpired in Murphy's office the other day.

And he was getting that defensive vibe from her right now too. He sat down on her couch just watching her for a bit.

"What?" she said with annoyance on her voice feeling his eyes on her.  
"How come I haven't seen you smoke before?" he said until he could find a way to get to what really was bothering her. She shrugged.  
"I quit a while ago," she said.  
"I can see that," he said amused.  
"Well at times I just need one," she said leaning her head back against the window frame breathing out smoke from the drag she'd just taken. He connected the dots, he knew many smokers needed nicotine when they were stressed out or upset about something. He just needed to figure out why she'd felt the need to smoke tonight.

"Not that I'm complaining but do you usually smoke in your birthday suit?"  
"I'm wearing panties," she stated the obvious.  
"Aren't you afraid one of your neighbors is a peeping tom?"  
"Let him watch," she said flipping her cigarette butt out the window, "I got the right to dress any way I like in my own home." She took a deep breath and turned her eyes out towards the street. No one said anything for a while.

"What's going on Amanda?" he asked when he couldn't stay quiet any longer.  
"What do you mean?" she said without looking at him.  
"You came out of Murphy's office the other day and something's been different since then, what did he say to you?"  
"Nothing," she said jumping from somewhat calm to sounding pissed.

"So he called you in there to say nothing?"  
"It was about the case, just about the case."  
"If it was about the case he should've told all of us."  
"Okay it was about me," she said jumping down from the windowsill, "It was about me not the case, okay?"

She turned to shut the window.

"Can we just go back to bed now?" she said turning around, crossing her arms in front of her.  
"What was it? What did he have to tell you?"  
"He questioned my judgment," she said avoiding his eyes.  
"Your judgment? What right does he have to do that," Nick said feeling a flare of anger inside.

She made a face thinking that he sure had a right to question her though. She walked away along the wall.

"What did he say?" Nick tried again.  
"He wondered if I had a blind spot for men in power," she said pacing back along the wall.  
"What?" Nick said now really feeling angry and he got out on the edge of the couch. He kept watching her pace for a while.  
"Because you think Maddox' innocent," Nick asked and Amanda nodded. There was a silent pause. Nick figured it had to be more to it though. Not that he liked Murphy or wanted to side with him but the man wasn't stupid. Nick just didn't know what Murphy saw that he didn't.  
"It can't be the only reason he called you out on that though," he said carefully. He caught the quick glance she shot him as she continued to pace a bit over by the window.

"Come sit down," he begged but she shook her head.  
"What other reasons did he give you Amanda?" he asked when he couldn't get her to come over.

She wasn't sure what answer to give him. Anything she told him would paint her in a bad light but then again why pretend she was anything but rotten to the core. She wasn't ready to tell him what she'd offered Murphy though, Nick would have to face him in the morning and she didn't know how that information would affect them all working together.

"He brought up my dad, my old captain back in Atlanta…" she started but trailed off.  
"Your dad?"  
"He was a gambler, I used to look up to him, I dunno," she said rubbing her face a little.  
"Used to?" he asked and she nodded. She'd never mentioned him before and always managed to get off the subject whenever he tried to quiz her about her family.  
"Did he stop or…"  
"Died," she said callously. Nick couldn't help but wonder how Murphy would've known her dad was a gambler but maybe he'd seen it in her file or perhaps her dad had a record. _But what about her old captain? Why had his name come up? _

"Your captain?" he quizzed carefully. Her breath got caught up in her throat and he feared the worst. He tried to get a handle on his thoughts and hoped she would have an answer for him. She looked very uncomfortable though and said nothing.  
"Did the two of you…" he started but couldn't say it out loud.  
"Yeah of course," she said stopping and looking up into the ceiling as she didn't want to face him, "I screw everyone so of course I screwed him too."

"That's not…" he started but couldn't continue cause then he would lie and he didn't want to lie to her. She gave him a look but she didn't look as angry as he thought she would. She shook her head.  
"I didn't," she said and looked as though she really needed him to trust her.  
"I believe you," he said quickly.

"It's in my file cause…" she said sighing as she continued to pace, "this… gritter..."  
"Gritter?" Nick had to interrupt. She'd stopped and even with the shadows playing over her face he could see a faint smile.  
"A creep, a real jerk," she explained and he said okay.

"He worked at the station and he reported to IA that we had some sort of indecent relationship, me and the captain that is. We were… close, but I would, we would… He was married and I would never do that mistake again, I learnt my lesson the first and only time that happen."

She shook her head thinking back to that ordeal, it had been very stressful. Opening her closet meant getting buried with skeletons, would she ever learn?

"But we were close, and close to… but we never," she said looking over at him and he nodded so she would know he didn't doubt her.  
"This jerk just tried to get back at him, or us because Sam had my back. He constantly tried to… well he tried with every female in the department, he was tedious, outranked me so I got in some trouble at times but Sam made sure I was… safe. When IA… well it got trickier once it was in my file, and in Sam's. The charges never got anywhere but there was an investigation and… well it's in there now," she said shrugging her shoulders.

"And the jerk?" Nick asked.  
"Wouldn't ease up, Sam thought it was best if I transferred," she said and then exhaled deeply.  
"So that's how you ended up here?" Nick asked a bit intrigued. She nodded.  
"What did the je… he do to you?"  
"It was nothing I couldn't handle," she said shrugging him off. Nick wasn't convinced though. If her captain had to transfer her it surely had gotten really out of control. The room fell quiet for a while. Amanda had stopped pacing and descended into the shadows in the corner.

"Do you," he started, took a breath for courage and then continued; "have a blind spot?"  
"Who knows," came her answer from the dark, "maybe I'm just blind all together."

She sounded a bit defeated. He got up from the couch and walked over to her. It would've felt better if he could've got a better read on her before he approached her but the shadows made that impossible and as he got closer he could tell her face was buried in her hands as well. He wasn't sure what he was getting into but he still got down on his knees close to her. It was like approaching some exotic animal that you know would react when they got cornered but you just weren't sure what that reaction would be.

She'd heard him closing in and braced herself as he sat down next to her but his presence got too much for her and she tried to make a break for it. He was right there though and he grabbed a hold of her as she tried to get passed him. He wrapped his arms around her from behind and brought her in to his chest. They were both still on their knees and she tried to pull herself away. It felt like a halfhearted attempt though as she only tried to move forward and didn't use any force against him which he knew she was fully capable off had she wanted to.

"It's okay," he whispered burying his face in her hair. He felt her shake her head though.  
"It will be okay," he said instead but she kept shaking her head.  
"I'm sick," she whispered barely noticeable but he heard her.  
"You're not," he tried.

"I offered myself to him," she said but he didn't understand.  
"The jerk?" Nick asked.  
"To Murphy," she whispered.  
"What?" he couldn't hide his shock. His grip eased up but he didn't let her go. Her words would come rambling out, quick as though it was the only way for her to air them and with a slight tremble on her tone.

"Before I knew he was UC. Once they caught me, made me for a cop they tested me to make sure they could trust me. But I failed everything they threw at me cause I just couldn't… I couldn't hurt someone else."

He hated hearing her this upset and he tried making her feel better by holding her tighter again, letting her know he was there no matter what. She had to breathe rapidly just to keep the tears down. She didn't want to cry.

"So they were going to call IAB or Benson, he said he had their numbers and… I can't lose my job, it's all I got. So I asked him if we couldn't work it out, if there wasn't something I could do… and he sent this other guy outside and he sat down and… he was going to record it and I said he couldn't record… this. That. He said I wasn't in charge and to get over there. I really thought that I would have to… No that I offered to… just to keep my job. That's how sick I am. That's who you're screwing."

She had stopped trying to get away from him but now she tried pulling away again. She couldn't stand him having to even touch her right now. She didn't even want to be around herself right now.

"No, that's not who I'm with," he whispered near her ear holding on to her, "that was desperation Amanda. You were desperate and I don't want you to ever feel that way again. And you're wrong about something else too. The job isn't all you got, you got me Amanda. You got me."

He felt the fight go out of her in an instance, she gave up and just fell back into his embrace. It was such a relief and even though the moment was heartbreaking he felt happy too. It was always a struggle with her and he didn't mind but it just felt so good to not have to battle her, that she for once seemed to get that he was on her side. There was no need for her to fight right now and she had surrendered.

Having her that close he felt when her breathing turned to sobs, sobs that she tried to keep inside but that she couldn't hide since they rumbled through her back that was pressed against his chest. He let her spin around in his arms and then quickly embraced her again. She buried her face in his neck to hide her tears that she couldn't hold back now and he wished she wouldn't feel the need to hide from him but the fact was she was there, she hadn't run this time and it was a step in the right direction so he would take it. He felt her skin prickle as though she was freezing and he bundled her up in his arms. He got her up off the floor and carried her back to the bedroom. He lay down with her still in his arms but then let one hand go so he could cover them up. She tried to get even closer to him and he hugged her tighter as he could feel she needed it. Her skin felt so very soft under his touch and he loved feeling her body pressed to his. Her leg were wrapped around him, he felt her pelvis against his hip, he felt her breathing, her stomach, her breasts pressed against his chest and her face fitted perfectly in the curve of his neck.

Once she seemed to be able to relax a bit he eased up on his grip around her and brought one hand up to her head and let his fingers play softly in her blonde locks. He stroke her cheek and placed a soft kiss on the top of her head.

"You got me," he whispered.

**The Maddox case** got wrapped up a couple of days later, Frank leaving the country in a Roman Polanski fashion made him look guilty and the jury found him so. Nick and Amanda just hoped the little girl would get the help she needed and not keep being used as her mother's token.

Nick had a hard time keeping his repulsion for Murphy under wraps but since he was used to Nick's aversion he probably didn't pick up that anything was out of order. It was just an ordinary day at SVU. Nick loathed Murphy, Amanda tried to stay out of Olivia's way, both Nick and Amanda tried to act as nothing was going on between them and Fin just sat back and chilled through it all.

But Murphy just didn't sit back and waited for cases to come their way, he decided to be proactive and got going on catching pedophiles online. Nick had to admit it was rather fulfilling. They busted a major kid porn ring, helped out to get a few children saved and arrested two lowlifes hiding behind computer screens in their own city. It was all very satisfying and they went out to have a glass afterwards.

Amanda stayed as far away from Nick as she could. The adrenalin rush from catching perps had always gotten her… well frankly – horny – and just looking at Nick right now got her core tingling. She couldn't wait until they were alone. His hand sneaking up inside her thigh at one point when they were over at the bar, him trying to cover it by reaching for something in front of her, didn't help her much. She shot him a stern look but he didn't remove his hand and once she'd looked around to make sure no one had eyes on them she retailed by moving her hand down to his crotch and she wasted no time rubbing the one thing she wanted inside of her right now.

"There you are," Liv's voice interrupted them and they quickly let each other go. Nick took a step back holding up what he'd pretended to reach for. Liv shot him an odd look as she wasn't sure why he was holding up a straw to her face.  
"Just getting more beer for us," Amanda breathed quickly.  
"None for me, I'm heading home. Just wanted to say good night," Liv said.  
"Okay good night," Nick said.  
"Night," Amanda said quietly.

Liv shot them a peculiar look, something felt weird but she couldn't put her finger on what.

"Don't forget we're working tomorrow," she said and Amanda felt her eyes on her even though she looked away.  
"We'll be fine," Nick said shooting Liv a smile before she headed out.

He put a hand on Amanda's arm before he helped her carry the beers over to the table where Murphy and Fin were still sitting.

"We can't ever do that again," she whispered before they reached the table. He shot her a look before he sat down. He never did want to grope her inappropriately in front of anyone but he would love to be able to proclaim his love for her in public. He couldn't wait for that day to get here but he knew he would have to give her time to adjust. She was clearly not a person you rushed. But one day he would be able to hold her hand in public, he would demand at least that.

"What you grinning about?" Fin asked him.  
"Oh nothing," he said trying to wipe his silly grin of his face.

Murphy left after another beer and since both Amanda and Nick wanted to head out of there, not cause of the warning Liv had given them but because they couldn't wait to rip each other's clothes off, they managed to convince Fin to call it a night. They got out on the street to hail cabs but had to wait around for a while. Amanda and Nick stood close to each other but managed to keep their hands off each other. Fin could tell though, he saw the looks Nick kept giving her and the restlessness in his partner's legs and the way she chewed down on her lip right now.

"So this is canon now?" Fin spoke up not able to keep quiet. Since his partner wasn't answering questions as of late he might as well speak out. Both Amanda and Nick threw him looks, Nick's was of confusion and Amanda's of irritation since she had a pretty good idea where her partner was going with this.

"Oh don't play coy," Fin sighed, "So you're a thing now? You're gonna go home together every time we go out for drinks, soon you're gonna be all cuddly and lovey dovey around each other." Fin made a face of disapprovement, and so did Amanda.

"No, we're not…" Nick tried to explain it away but quiet down as he caught the look Amanda gave him.

"Ha," Fin spat out, "she already has you whipped."

Nick smiled while shaking his head a little even though there was stupid to try and deny it, and the fact was he didn't mind to be whipped by her. Amanda on the other hand took a step closer to Fin and punched his chest.

"Ouch," he said rubbing his chest a bit while Amanda stepped into the street to find a bloody cab already.

This time Amanda didn't let Fin have the first cab and just had to give Nick a look to get him to jump into the cab as she got the door up.

"I told you, whipped man," Fin shouted after him and Amanda turned to give him the finger before she got in after Nick.  
"Love you too boo," he snickered and waved as the cab took off.

"He's so annoying," Amanda grunted but had a smile on her face as she shut the door. Nick had given the cab driver his address, it was closer and right now he just wanted to get behind a closed door as soon as possible.

"Get over here," he told her and she scooted over on the seat. Their lips met and eager tongues soon entwined each other. She soon had to come up for air and met the cab driver's eyes in the back mirror as she turned her head. She straighten up a little but find herself falling right back as his tongue played behind her ear.

"I don't think I'm the only one that's whipped," he breathed into her ear. She tried to separate a bit from him but really didn't want to. Nick turned his head a little too though and caught the driver looking.

"Eyes on the road there buddy," he said but tried to not sound too harsh as they were after all in his workplace. Amanda felt a bit embarrassed, she could barely stay in her pants but she would just not give this cab driver a free peep show. Nick putting his arm around her shoulders and pulling her back in didn't help though.

"What was that at the bar?" she asked, keeping her voice low, just to try and talk about something else.  
"What do you mean?" he asked placing his hand around her throat as her skin looked so gorgeous in the street lights they kept passing.  
"Liv could've easily caught you," Amanda whispered.  
"Me? How about you?" he smiled.  
"You started it," she said trying not to smile but failed. They held each other's eyes for a few moments, barely an inch away they could both feel each other's breath on their skin. He couldn't get over just how hot she was.

"What was the plan?" she asked. His eyes narrowed a bit, he wasn't following.  
"In the bar, what was your plan? Why did you touch me like that?" Her deep voice was barely a whisper and it only added to the tightness in his pants. He tried to think, he wanted to be as good at this as she was. He wanted to turn her on.

"I couldn't keep my eyes of you," he started, taking a break to wet his lips a little as he'd just seen her do it, "when you walked up to the bar, I kept looking at your ass. The way it looked in these tight jeans of yours." His hand had travelled down to her thigh and swept up and down over it a little.

"I just had to touch you."  
"Just the thigh? Is that all you wanted to touch?" she asked. He shook his head slightly.  
"I was working my way up…" he whispered as he slowly moved his way up on the inside of her thigh. She exhaled and turned her head forward as he reached his target. She tried to scoot up a little on the seat, it made her legs spread a little though. She met the driver's eyes in the mirror but he quickly turned them back out on the street. She tried keeping her breathing under control as he massaged her center. He made it even harder by putting his mouth right by her ear.

"I imagined it just as hot as this," he whispered, "and I bet its just as wet as I'm imagining it right now. Is it just as wet?"

He felt a little bit bad for liking the discomfort he was putting on her face right now. But he liked the control he had over her and how she wasn't able to answer him verbally but just nodded slightly. She was flushed, he could see it even in the poor light. She was trying to keep her breathing restrained, she was swallowing constantly and her fingers were clutching the car seat.

"So…" he said knowing his breath as he drag the words out only added to her frustration, "if I touched you now, if I went inside your pants, inside your panties, if I let my fingers run in between your folds, I would find you wet, very wet right?"

She just swallowed hard, stirring under his touch. He checked the mirror, the driver was keeping his eyes on the road. He turned his attention back to Amanda's face as he pulled his hand up to the rim of her jeans. She shot him a quick look but then turned her head away from his. He knew she could grab his wrist if she wanted to so he didn't stop. It was easy getting inside the hem of the jeans as her stomach was pushed back against her spine. It got tight as he got further down but he pushed his hand down inside her cotton panties. The tightness worked to his advantaged as the only way down was to go down the natural cleft and her breath hitched up as he pressed by her clit. He managed to dip two fingers inside her but then she grabbed his wrist and he froze as he met her eyes. She shook her head a little, trying to catch her breath.

"Okay," he whispered knowing he'd pushed her to the edge and she didn't want to go over it here in the cabby. He brought his hand back up and she looked a bit relieved and he felt her relax a little underneath the arm he still had over her shoulders. He made sure the cab driver wasn't looking and then brought his fingers up to his mouth. While she was still watching he put the two fingers he'd just had inside of her between his lips and watched her lick her own lips as she stared at his mouth.

"I've ruined you," she whispered with a slight smile once their eyes met again.  
"Yeah you have," he said after he'd licked his fingers clean. He grabbed her chin and pulled her in for a kiss.  
"And I love it," he whispered once he let her lips go.

The cab driver announced they had arrived and Amanda separated herself from him as she feared the lights would come on.

"Let me," she said getting her card out. For some reason she didn't want to see his hand, the one she'd just had between her legs, anywhere near the cabbie's. Nick waited by her side in the cab, doing his best to keep his hands off her. Leaving the cab though he grabbed her hip and held her back so he could shove his hand down her back pocket as they walked up his stairs.

"What? No one's looking," he moaned as she shot him a look, "well maybe the cabbie." She put her elbow in his side but he just laughed.  
"Oh c'mon you loved that ride," he teased groping her ass. She just gave him a look over her shoulder. It was one of her daring looks that always got him wondering what was going on inside of her head.

"Oh you don't like the rides I'm giving you?" he said getting the keys in his door.  
"Maybe if you don't cut the rides short," she teased behind him. He let her step in before him but then didn't waste any time and as soon as he'd shut the door he pushed her up against the wall in the foyer dropping his keys on the floor next to them. Amanda was game as always and tried to push back a little but he pinned her against the wall.

"You wanted a full ride, you're going to get it babe," he breathed into her ear as his hand pushed its way down her pants.  
"Babe? Who you're calling babe," she breathed chuckling a little. Her breathe got caught in her throat though as he arrived between her legs.

"Oh I think you'll let me call you anything in a few seconds," he breathed near her neck and then started nibbling on it at the places he knew got her off. Amanda's palms were pressed up against the wall, losing any strength to fight or talk back quickly but she really didn't feel like it anyway. She loved the way his hand worked her and how he knew exactly what she liked. He'd been a really good learner.

"I think you'll let me call you babe," he said before running his tongue up over her neck, "or sweetcheeks," he exhaled hard right behind her ear and felt her shiver, "honey, sexiness, hot lips, sexy eyes." His words even worked him up.

"Mi amore," he whispered right by her ear.

He needed more room in her pants and used his other hand to unbutton her fly. He was able to pick up rhythm with the more space and soon had her legs buckling underneath her. He used his free hand to hold her up and also held his entire body close to hers. He loved feeling her body react to him and his touch. He could feel when she was getting close and knew what to do to push her over the edge. He kept his hand inside her as she came and made sure she stayed up off the floor.

Once she was able to hold her own weight again he let her breathe out against the wall as he copped a few feels. He shed her jacket and then got inside her top, teasing her nipples a little.

"Oh so you want a second round in the hallway," she managed to say.  
"No, not in the hallway," he said shedding his own shirt and then immediately getting back to her neck.  
"No?" she said turning in his arms ending up with her back against the wall.

"No… I want… you," he said biting down on her neck between words, "on… my bed… on all… four." He pulled her top over her head and then started on her collar bone and down her shoulder.

"Yeah? You're gonna make me get on all four?" she teased pushing back up against him. He looked at her and nodded.  
"You and what army?" she laughed.  
"This," he said grabbing his own crotch.  
"Oh God I _have_ ruined you," she said putting her hand over her eyes.  
"And you love it," he said pulling her off the wall. He shed his shoes and she followed his example.  
"Now get to the bedroom," he said smacking her ass. She shot him a defiant look but it soon changed as he came charging her a little. She took off towards the bedroom and could've easily beaten him there if it weren't for the fact she didn't mind getting caught by him.

**A few days later** a woman walked into the squad room. The man at the gate called Amanda over and the other blonde woman introduced herself as Brooke. She was there since she feared something bad had happen to her friend Mackenzie. It was unclear at first why Brooke was at SVU but as Amanda got Murphy and the three of them sat down in the interview room they soon learnt that Mackenzie, nicknamed Kenzi, supported herself as a prostitute.

They learnt both Brooke and Kenzi used to be escorts but as they approached their 30s they decided to try and get out, leave the hooking and drugs behind, try to go back to school or at least get a degree in something, to sort of grow up. Brooke had been lucky and gotten a job but Kenzi had it harder. She had a son living back home in Baltimore with her mother that she needed to support. She'd never been book smart like Brooke and she didn't manage to finish her degree and ended up taking stray jobs here and there.

Soon she hadn't been able to hold on to her apartment and she'd moved into Brooke's. Just to get by, to get some money to send home to her mother and son, she tried to get back to escort but their connections were gone and she ended up trying to pick up customers on her own at hotel bars. She'd soon met a man named Dorian, no last name, and she was soon back to doing drugs again. This Dorian gave her a place to stay, Brooke said it sounded like he was running a brothel but Kenzi wouldn't tell her much about it.

Kenzi kept dropping by for a couple of months but now she hadn't been seen or heard from for two weeks. Brooke had tried the regular police but as soon as Brooke told them Kenzi was hooking they didn't seem interested.

"I know she's not God's most pure creation but she's kindhearted and if it weren't for her son, wanting to be able to help her mom out taking care of him, she would just never have gone back to that life," Brooke said with tears in her eyes.  
"You are always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past," Murphy said.

"Do you have anything more to give us about this Dorian? How or where they met?" Amanda asked. Murphy's sayings might be worth considering but they wouldn't help them find this woman.  
"I have this," Brooke said reaching down into her handbag. She brought out a business card that she handed to Amanda. It had the name of a hotel on one side and then Dorian's name and a phone number written on the back.

"The bartender at that hotel gave it to her, that's how she got in touch with Dorian," Brooke told them, "I've tried the number though, it's not in use."  
"Do you know the name of the bartender?" Amanda asked.  
"Yes," Brooke said and told them his name was Gavin and she could give them a rather good description of him as she'd been to the bar with Kenzi at one point in the beginning just to check it out and sort of be like a back-up. It wasn't really the safest job.

Amanda excused herself while Murphy kept talking to Brooke. She wanted to see if she could find this bartender Gavin in the system. She found his full name through the hotel's website and then printed out a photo of him from their police register, seemed he'd been picked up during some brawl a few years back but later released and never charged. She went back in and Brooke identified the bartender from the photo as the man that had put Kenzi in contact with Dorian.

They let Brooke go with the promise to look into the case of her missing friend and Amanda walked into Murphy's office once she'd seen Brooke out through the gate. Fin took her flank as he'd been a little bit briefed about the case when Amanda stepped out to get the information about Gavin.

"So you want us to talk to this bartender?" Amanda asked.  
"No," Murphy said abruptly and Amanda's eyes narrowed a bit as she watched him pace a few times back and forth behind his desk. He suddenly stopped and faced them both.

"He will probably not give us anything if we just talk to him but if you," he said drilling his eyes into Amanda, "went in undercover he might set you up with Dorian and we can bust this whole brothel."  
"If there is a brothel," Amanda added.

"It's worth a try though right? You know little cases…"  
"Lead to big cases, yeah yeah," Amanda said and tried to hide the frown.

**So they set it up** for that same night, you couldn't call Murphy slow at least. The plan was to send Amanda in, Fin, Nick and Murphy would be guests at the hotel that she snagged and hopefully that would get the bartender Gavin's attention. If he didn't bite tonight they would keep trying for a couple of more nights. Murphy made sure they had two connecting rooms a few floors up and let Amanda come up with a good backstory for her UC persona.

In typical Murphy fashion it was a big operation that got planned out in just a couple of hours. They had of course tried the number on the hotel's business card and they'd ran Dorian through the register but gotten no good leads. Liv felt a bit hesitant and aired her concern they were rushing this. Murphy reminded her that a woman had been missing for more than two weeks while Amanda, of course, thought she was only hesitant cause she didn't believe Amanda could pull it off.

Since it was a bit of a spur of the moment deal Amanda had to pay a visit to the wardrobe downstairs and try and find a good outfit that balanced on the fine line of screaming prostitute but still not. Thankfully she had put on decent underwear this morning. The perks, or hassles depending on how you saw it, of having a secret lover – you had to always be prepared to strip down to your underwear.

She settled on a dark green little number that with the right accessories – stockings, too high heels, make-up and a hairdo – would take her from society hall to easy lay. At around seven she was ready to step inside the hotel where she would plant herself at the bar. They would have eyes on her in the bar, Nick, Fin and another detail would be placed there. Murphy would be outside in a van with one of the techs guy keeping an eye on the street as well as the cameras that they'd hooked up to the hotel's own security system. Liv, two details and another tech guy were in one of the connecting rooms, also with camera surveillance over the bar as well as the connecting room.

Amanda was wired too. She had a piece in her ear through which Murphy and Liv could reach her and she had a microphone sewed in to her collar where everyone could pick up sound as well as hear her if she needed assistance or relay some intel.

Murphy gave her some last minute instructions and advice before she left the van. Nick and Fin were already inside. Fin was trying to be incognito at a table and Nick had placed himself at the bar with a drink in his hand. He would be Amanda's first target and he was quite looking forward to this double-play of theirs. He'd struggled to keep his eyes off her in the squad room once she'd gotten into her costume and was looking forward to not having to hide his interest in her. He frowned however when he heard Murphy tell her she looked like a few hundred bucks and he imagined the rustle on her microphone was him giving her a hug even though he'd never seen Murphy give out hugs. That image of Murphy hugging his girlfriend just added to the ton of loathing he already carried towards Murphy. In Nick's mind he wouldn't have been surprised if Murphy would've taken her 'favor' back there in the illegal gambling club if he just thought he could get away with it.

Once Amanda walked in though his thoughts got derailed. He really liked seeing her like that. She managed to balance a fine line between looking trashy and looking fabulous. He had no trouble picturing her filthy mouth taking her right down the trashy gutter though in case this Dorian made contact.

She sat down at the bar and Nick watched her order a drink while flirting a bit with the bartender but still managing to look a bit coy. Through the tiny piece stuck inside his ear canal he heard her exchange a few words with the bartender. He didn't pay much attention to what was said but got stuck on how she exaggerated her southern drawl and just how sexy it made her sound. He felt shudders going down his back and it didn't get any better as he linked eyes with her a few times as she looked around the bar as though she was scouting for marks.

She didn't waste so much time and tried to lock eyes with Nick who was on the other side of the bar. They hadn't really planned out just which one would approach the other one and just played it by air. Nick felt it natural to walk over to her after a while. He figured if he was just some random business guy willing to hook up and a fine thing like that would throw eyes at him he would surely be by her side in a hot minute.

"Is this seat taken?" he asked once he was by her side. She shook her head, her blonde locks bouncing a bit.  
"I was just sitting over there all alone and I saw you over here all alone and I figured I would just come over and see if we could be alone together," he said trying to act like the casual business man he imagined to be.

"How do you know I'm not waiting for someone?" she said and he couldn't help but feel a hot sensation down below his belt. He could really get used to this roleplaying.  
"Are you? I could leave," he offered but not moving from his spot. She shook her head again and shot him a shy smile. She saw Fin over in the corner looking over Nick's shoulder and she got a little worried he wouldn't be the only one seeing through their charade. She had to really sell her part though.

"Can I get a refill," Nick said wanting to call for the bartender's attention. He came over with another beer bottle, poured some in Nick's glass and then left the bottle by its side.  
"If my new friend here wants something…" he said offering to give her a refill even though her glass was pretty much full.  
"I'm fine thanks," Amanda smiled.  
"Well put her drink on my tab will you? You have my room number right?" Nick told the bartender and he gave him a nod and then shot them another glance over his shoulder as he walked back to his spot behind the bar.

"You think he's buying it?" Nick asked quietly once Gavin was out of range.  
"He should," Amanda said and then let out a cute little giggle as she reached out and touched his thigh. Nick couldn't help but smile, both by her giggle and the touch.

"You're good," he whispered.  
"Did you ever doubt it?" she said cockily and gave him wink as she squeezed his thigh. Nick cleared his throat a little. They both had a sip of their drinks.

"So I guess we should keep this up a bit, to sell it properly," Nick said mostly so their audience would hear it.  
"Yeah, I guess we should pretend to flirt a bit, make it a little too obvious what we're up to," she said also aimed at their audience.  
"So I'll come a little closer then," he said getting a bit self-conscious as he took his drink off the bar and spun around towards her, placing his legs on either side of her on the high stool.

"Do you like my perfume?" she asked and let him lean in even more to smell her neck. Being that close to her bare neck really made it hard for him to not at least graze it and he hoped the microphone didn't pick up the sound of his lips grazing her skin. All the others picked up were his deep inhale as he smelled her perfumed.

"That's heavenly," Nick breathed. Amanda felt her skin prickle a little by his voice by her ear and felt a need to shy away but did her best to stay put without stirring too much. He placed his hand on her lower back sensing a slight shiver but it didn't really help her relax. They small talked for a while, Amanda did her giggle a few times to call for the bartender's attention but she felt as though she already had it. She caught him looking over their way several times and it wasn't to see if they wanted refills.

They decided to get out of there and Nick called for the bartender's attention as he'd left a tip by his glass. He came walking over as Nick places his arm behind her back and led her towards the elevators. Amanda tried to wise up a little as they waited for one of the elevators to arrive. She felt really self-conscious for some reason, playing a prostitute really didn't sit well with her right now but she tried telling herself it was just pretend. Again he sensed her slight anxiety and grabbed a hold of her arm as he led her in to the elevator. His hand found its way down to hers and he entwined his fingers with hers. She shot a look up at the camera in the elevator in case he'd forgotten that they could have eyes on them. He placed himself though so their hands were hidden behind him and she felt his thumb caress the back of her hand.

"You okay?" he mouthed on the way up and she nodded. He tried to make the walk to the room as long as possible as he really liked holding on to her hand. He got his keycard up and let her inside his room. Liv was right inside waiting for them.

"All good?" she asked and Amanda nodded.  
"Good, get off your feet for a while, perhaps drink some water to keep your head clear," Liv said before she headed back inside the connecting room. Nick caught Amanda roll her eyes once Liv had turned her back towards them.  
"What?" he asked but she just shook him off as she removed her shoes. She sighed with delight once she got down on her soles, these heels were killing her. Nick smiled at her.

"Can I get you some water?" he asked touching her arm. She nodded and he went over to the pantry to grab her a bottle. She sat down on the bed and crept up a little hugging her legs in front of her with her arms. He turned the lid off and handed it to her. He watched her drink and had to really brace himself to not reach out and sweep away a lose strand of hair that was about to fall down on one side of her face. Amanda saw him looking and shot him a smile. Liv interrupted their moment though by calling him into the other room.

She stayed put for forty-five minutes and walked out after Liv had helped her ruffle up her hair a bit. She'd removed some of her lipstick as well. She ordered another drink from Gavin and sat down at about the same place at the bar. It was really a slow night at this hotel bar, she counted like ten heads and that was including Fin. She applied a new layer of lipstick as Gavin came over with her drink and she took a break from it to shoot him a smile. Fin got up off his table and came to sit by the bar. Murphy had instructed them to let Amanda approach him this time around so that's what she did soon thereafter.

"Is this seat taken?" she asked leaning in a bit. Fin turned his head and looked her up and down.  
"Damn, you're making the other women in here look really bad," he said playing with his eyebrows and giving her a silly grin.

"Please," she said trying not to roll her eyes as she sat down. Not that anyone could hear them, well except for the surveillance listening in, but it would be hard to play it out as she was hitting on him if he would act as he did on a regular basis.

"What you don't like my pick-up lines?" he asked leaning in closer.  
"It would work better if I wasn't the only woman in here," Amanda said and gave him a look.  
"Oh," Fin said looking around a bit.  
"Great surveillance," she said leaning closer to him. He chuckled slightly.

"And I prefer good pick-up lines," she said smiling at him.  
"Okay," he said taking a sip of his drink as he gave it a thought, "you're tech savvy so how about his one…" He turned a little towards her and she tried not to laugh just by the look on his face.

"You make my software turn to hardware," he said with a straight face but smiled as he saw her cheeks blush. He loved how tough his partner always acted but how easy it was for him to make her blush.

"Give me one of yours then," he challenged turning back to the bar.  
"My doctor says I'm lacking vitamin U," she said fluttering her eyelashes at him.  
"That's lame," he sighed leaning in.  
"You think that's lame? Well your so-called tech savvy line was not the worst one served to me."

"Spill," he said placing his arm around her shoulders. While holding his eyes she looked down towards the mic in her dress but of course that's not where Fin's eyes went.  
"You realized you just made me look down your plunge," he whispered.  
"Incorrigible," she whispered without backing down.  
"Tell me the line," he said holding on to her and her eyes.

"Want to see my hard drive? I promise it isn't 3,5 inches and it ain't floppy," she said just barely keeping from smiling. Fin just held her eyes for a bit.  
"Okay that one was better," he said letting go off her to taste his drink. Fin shot Gavin a smile as he passed them. Amanda wasn't sure they were selling the hooking up part but she figured as long as they left together Gavin would buy it.

"I got a really good one," he said once Gavin had gone back to his side of the bar.  
"Is it crude?" she asked and he nodded, "okay, give it to me."  
"Let's play carpenter. First we get hammered, then I'll nail you."

As usual Fin managed to keep a straight face but Amanda really struggled to.

"Kids," Liv's voice interrupted in both ears. Amanda shot him a worried look but Fin just winked at her.

Amanda straighten up a little trying to get her act together, she really didn't want to feel the wrath of Benson again. She soon felt Fin leaning over again though and he whispered;

"Honest truth, a few years back a real puma walked up to me and said; you know what's on the menu? Me-n-u."

Amanda did her best to not laugh out loud and used Fin's arm to lean against.

"Did it work?" she asked and he gave her one of his 'are you stupid/you really have to ask me that' looks. Fin got Gavin's attention and ordered them another set of drinks. The plan wasn't to drink them, just to make sure Gavin noticed them.

"Okay let's get ourselves out of here boo," he said helping her down off her chair. He kept his arm around her waist and led her towards the elevator without looking back. Amanda made the same trip upstairs again. They were hoping Gavin didn't have a way of checking what room they went to, that he was just a middle man paid by this thug to keep a look out for working girls that he could employ. Back in the room Liv let them know their detail in the bar had seen Gavin throwing long looks after them but it didn't look as though he tried to call or reach someone some other way.

Again Amanda got to rest her feet for a while and Liv sent her back down after an hour had passed. Amanda couldn't help but smile as she left the room. The last thing she'd heard was Fin complaining that there was just no way he'd be done with her in just an hour. The plan now was that Murphy would be her next target but he'd stay out in the van for a bit longer, hoping that Amanda would get a chance to interact with Gavin a bit if she got to sit alone for a while.

The plan would change though as it didn't take long until she caught the attention of a rather intoxicated man already in the bar. He weren't really subtle as he approached her and it was hard to turn him down as Amanda felt Gavin's eyes on them. She learnt quickly that he was from Maine and in town for business, he'd just closed a great deal and in the mood to party. Or parte-ey as he put it.

"Will you party with me? What's your name by the way?" he said snaking his arm around her waist as his mouth came close enough for her to smell the brandy on his breath.  
"Amanda," she said trying to distance herself a bit without making it too obvious.  
"That's just a beautiful name," he slurred a bit trying to lock eyes with her.  
"Thank you," she smiled at him.  
"It suits the rest of you," he said looking down her body.  
"Again, thank you," she said trying to keep the smile on her face. If she'd heard Fin's 'slick' up in the connecting hotel room it might have made it easier for her to keep her mood up.  
"I'm filthy rich right now, if I were you I'd take advantage of that…" he said putting his wallet up on the bar. Amanda kept her eyes on him as she took a swig off her drink.

"If you feel like it," she heard Murphy say in her ear, "take him upstairs. You have to get him to say it on tape though."

Amanda put her drink down and shot him one of her innocent looks.

"So…" she said letting her hand swipe down his arm and when she reached his hand she flopped the wallet up and, just as expected, saw his driver's license in a window, "…Jennings F Donald of Brunswick, Maine, what did you have in mind?"

She wasn't really ready and didn't have time to brace herself when he slid off his chair and quickly got right next to her. She felt his hand swipe in between her legs at the same time as his mouth moved in. She managed to turn her head and his lips, and tongue, landed on her cheek slobbering all over her.

"Woha," she said getting hold of his wrist, pulling him out as she tried to close her legs. She pushed him away and looked around the room.  
"You can't just… hold your horses," she said giving him a stern look. He looked disappointed as he slowly leaned back down against his chair.

"What I do isn't really legal in this state," she said raising her eyebrows at him a little and he seemed to grasp it. She was rather sure he'd already pegged her as a hooker, at least she didn't hope he groped all the girls he met in bars like that, but the illegal part seemed to sink in.

"So we have to be smoother about it 'kej?" she smiled and he nodded getting a mischievous look on his face. She had another taste of her drink feeling like she needed it right now. His hand were still resting on her knee and it started moving a little now, just around her knee though so she let him keep it there.

"I got it," he whispered a little reaching for his drink but before he took a swig he snickered a little.  
"This is even greater," he said once he'd swept his drink in one go, "it's like the new york experience."  
"You got it," she whispered and just shot him a smile when he asked 'what'. Don, that's what he told her to call him and added it was a bit more incognito, called Gavin over to order another drink. He got her another one without asking her if she even wanted it.

It didn't take long until Don's hand tried to sneak its way up her leg again. Since she'd crossed her legs though she let him roam a little free as he at least stayed on the outside of her dress this time around. Murphy had let her know through the ear piece that they had Donald identified and that it was up to her when she wanted to close the deal. She figured she better do it sooner or later cause he wasn't easing up on the groping.

"Okay, how about we move this to another room," Amanda suggested.  
"Yeah?" Don said not hiding his excitement.

"Before we go though, let's just make sure we're talking about the same thing here," Amanda said sipping her drink slowly.  
"You mean what I like?" he asked and she nodded.

"What I want you do to and what I want to do to you," he said with a wide smile checking her out from head to toe. She usually didn't mind getting checked out but this time she felt a bit disgusted.

"Well I definitely want you to suck my dick," he said putting his thumb on her lower lip forcing her glass away.  
"Okay but for that to happen…" she tried to help him along which wasn't easy when she had his fingers on her mouth.  
"Money right?" he said removing his fingers and she nodded.

"Okay how much will it cost me?" he said flipping his wallet up.  
"What did I tell you earlier?" she said putting her hand above his and his wallet.  
"Right, low key," he said looking around. Amanda met Gavin's eyes. This might just work to their advantage, there was just no way he couldn't peg her for a prostitute now and if he were legit he should've alerted the authorities by now or at least called for the hotel's security. Don got in her line of sight and leaned in as he whispered;

"I just don't want a blow job, I want you for the night. What will that cost me?"  
"Give me a number," she said playing with her drink.  
"Okay, I have a grand up in my room. I'll give you that and whatever cash I have left in my wallet if you spend the night with me," Don caught her eyes.  
"In your room?" she asked and it was his time to nod.  
"I'll show you it before we do anything," he said trying to win her over.

"Get his room number," she heard Murphy say in her ear.

"What room you in?" she asked Don. A smile spread over his face again.  
"C'mon," he said forcing her off the chair.  
"Thanks," he more or less yelled to Gavin and waved once he looked over at them. Amanda held his eyes for a bit as Don pulled her towards the elevators.

"You still haven't told me what room you in," she pointed out when they reached the elevators.  
"Oh you're going to love my room," he said letting his hand sneak up over her ass, "you're going to love me." He pulled her in and she tried to hide her disgust feeling his hard-on against her hip.

"Okay let's not get the hotel's security on us," Amanda tried.  
"I'll tell them you're my wife," Don smiled, "I can screw my wife right?"

Amanda just plastered a smile on her face and was relieved the elevator arrived. She wouldn't be so relieved in a second though as the moment after Don pushed the button he pushed her up against the mirror wall.

"So you're on the eight floor," Amanda breathed hoping the microphone picked it up and tried to hide her thrill about the long ride she had in front of her. His lips were on her neck and one of his hands were trying to get in underneath her dress.

"Hey the deal was you'd show me the money first," she said trying to push him away just a bit.  
"That drink I bought you should at least get me a kiss," he said coming up in front of her face. She placed her fingers against his mouth though before he could reach her.  
"You'd copped enough feels you should buy me dinner buddy," she said trying to put it out there as nicely as she could.  
"I'll buy you breakfast sweetheart," he smiled getting down to her neck again. Amanda looked up at the display, sixth floor, not long now.

"Okay we're at eight now," she said even before they got there. He let her go only to grab her hand immediately and they were out of there the moment the doors open. Amanda didn't see any of her squad as she looked up and down the corridor. She hadn't heard anything in her ear piece for a while and she got a bit worried. She couldn't know Nick, Fin and Liv were all rushing up the stairs from their floor to the one she was on and they'd be coming out of the staircase in just a few seconds.

He put his keycard in a door just across from the elevators and Amanda said his room number at the same time as she felt herself getting pushed inside the room. He was behind her now, pushing himself up against her back, his mouth down on her neck again and his hands roaming her body as she heard the door close behind her.

"We got it," she heard Murphy say in her ear piece, "we got the room number, we'll be right there."

Amanda felt a bit relieved once she heard that and was able to relax even underneath the man's touch.

"Okay, show me the money first," she said. He let her go quickly and got over to a bag in one corner of the room. He got out a white envelope and tossed it on the bed. She walked up there to count them, it truly was a grand and Amanda couldn't help but run her fingers over them one more time. She remembered a win while gambling a while back, the feel of the money underneath her fingers while the adrenaline pumped through your body and the sense of invincibility, it was hard to beat.

"Okay, get on the bed," she ordered him as she felt his hand trying to snag her again.  
"On the bed," she said a bit stricter once he lingered by her side. He smiled and crawled up on the bed.  
"Take your tie off," she ordered him.  
"Good, and now your jacket," she said once he was done with the tie. She gave him time to take it off and toss it down on the floor.  
"Lie down, relax, conserve your energy while I visit the little ladies room okay," she said but he immediately pouted his lips.  
"You're going to need your strength big boy, I might be petite but I promise you I'm more than a handful," she winked at him as she walked back to the bathroom.

Before she turned her head she saw him lie down with a big smirk on his face. She'd already heard Liv announce they were at the door ready to break it down if she couldn't open it herself. Amanda passed the bathroom and hurried to get the door. She let Nick and Fin pass, Fin looked crossed but Nick looked more relieved to see her. Amanda's eyes were torn from him though as she felt Liv's hand on her arm.

"You okay?" she asked and Amanda nodded.  
"Money's on the bed," she let her know. Liv walked in after the guys to catch Don's stunned face and him trying to plead as Nick read him his rights.

"Okay let's keep him here until we get transport," Liv said once they were done and then walked back out into the hallway where Amanda had waited.

"Murphy will meet us downstairs in our room," she told Amanda and they walked out as their back-up walked in to guard Don. Nick caught up to them as they reached the staircase, Liv felt it was better to walk down to not run into anyone unwanted in the elevator. Liv took lead down the stairs and Nick walked behind Amanda. He couldn't let her go with his eyes but for once he wasn't checking out the ass. He was all occupied with the lingering apprehension he'd felt once Murphy suddenly had gone off script and he'd then had to listen to Don being gross towards his girlfriend and then watch him feel her up in the elevator. He couldn't believe Murphy had let her go with this guy without knowing his roomnumber first. He wasn't happy with Murphy but right now mostly felt relieved Amanda had gotten out of there unharmed.

Amanda still felt a bit disgusted. She usually felt such accomplishment after an arrest but right now all she felt was his saliva still on her neck and his rough hand trying to get in between her legs. She could feel Nick's eyes piercing her back and the notion he was there behind her made her feel better. _What was going on here? Why did she feel a need and a longing to be held by him? She was a strong, independent woman. She'd never needed a man to ground her. They were just there for pleasure._

But she couldn't get rid of the need she felt. _The knowledge that he didn't hold what happen with Murphy against her, that he didn't find her disgusting even though she thought so of herself, just made her feel warm all over now. He must really care about her right? But did that mean she had to conduct herself from now on? Would that mean she would always feel aversion when someone else touched her now?_ _She was used to that slight excitement, even when it was a bad guy, a perpetrator, she couldn't lie, she got off on it sometimes. The forbidden part of it got her aroused._

"Oh sorry," Amanda blurted out as she accidentally bumped in to Liv who'd stopped by the door at their level. Liv just shot her a smile over her shoulder but Amanda saw her eyes narrowing a little as she looked a bit concerned at her. Amanda felt stupid. She had to get her act together. Nick caught the door and held it open for her. And again she felt stupid for the shy smile she shot him. _Why did she care so much what he thought of her?_

Murphy was waiting at them in the room.

"Great bust Rollins," he said with a big smile on his face and Nick watched him approach Amanda and grab her arms. Thankfully he didn't hug her though but just gave her arms a squeeze and held her eyes for a few seconds before he let her go.

"I thought we were here to bust a brothel not to catch random Johns?" Nick muttered, unable to keep quiet. Nick felt the look Liv shot him and caught the look Murphy gave him.  
"Never undervalue a tiny win," Murphy preached and Nick couldn't help but roll his eyes as Murphy had already turned his back to him. Both Amanda and Liv caught the eye roll though.

"Let's call it a night," Murphy said taking lead into the connecting room.  
"Gavin is still behind the bar but a larger crowd just walked in so let's pick it up tomorrow." Murphy pointed to the monitor and they saw a large group of suits occupying the area. Nick bit his tongue to not ask why Murphy didn't throw Amanda to the sharks to see if she could hook more than one for an orgy.

"What makes you think tomorrow will be different? Maybe Gavin isn't hooked up with Dorian any longer?" Nick asked instead as he really didn't see this leading anywhere.  
"I got a feeling about this, persevering wins," Murphy said and Nick was about to gag. _What was with this guy and aphorisms?_

"Okay, I'll drive you home," Liv said directed at Amanda.  
"I can do that serge," Nick offered, immediately regretting it by the look Liv shot him. He felt busted.  
"No, I got her," Liv said, "you stay here and make sure Donald gets a ride to lock-up and that you stay out of Gavin's sight. Ready?"

Liv turned to Amanda who was getting a plain jacket on that Murphy had handed her. Amanda nodded trying to not look at Nick. _She would prefer him driving, it would've been nice if he wanted to stay the night and just hold her maybe. _

They took off and as Amanda had expected the drive got awkward quickly. The silence was suffocating and Amanda tried to find something outside the window to focus on. But the uneasy feeling of being alone with Liv and the lingering pining feelings for Nick made her feel something like carsick. And she hated feeling queasy.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Liv suddenly asked and Amanda hoped the darkness in the car hid the fact her voice had startled her and made her jump slightly. She nodded but realized the same darkness probably prevented her from seeing that too.

"Yeah," she answered and wished it could've come out stronger.  
"He got really handsy, Donald," Liv put it out there but Amanda wasn't sure where to go with it.  
"Does it ever get to you?" Liv tried her best to not put judgment in her voice.

Amanda got a little defensive wondering what Liv really was after by this line of questioning. _Did she know about what had happen with Murphy? Would her answer sway Liv to think of her as even more of a slut? Would she have to pretend she always got disgusted by close encounters while UC? But the truth was it had gotten to her this time around but the reason to why was almost as upsetting. _

"It's not… the most fun, but it feels better once we catch 'em." Amanda didn't dare to look straight at her superior but she thought she caught her head nodding a bit.  
"I get that," Liv said but then the car went silent again. Amanda tried to relax a bit but it was impossible as the car felt cramped and she felt the need of a long, cleansing shower. Liv was trying to come up with a way to tell Amanda that she perhaps should talk to someone about the backsides of this work but their last encounter about talking to someone and psychiatrists hadn't gone that well and Liv knew they were on no better terms now that they had been back then so she stayed quiet.

"So I'll see you a little later tomorrow then," Liv said as she pulled in by her building. Amanda nodded.  
"I'll make sure you get inside, I'm pretty sure we weren't trailed though," Liv said and again Amanda nodded. This time the cabin was lit since Amanda had opened the door and Liv got a better look at her.

"Look…" she said making Amanda stop and turn her head back in the middle of getting out.  
"Just get a good night's rest okay? You deserve one, good job tonight." It wasn't what Liv had wanted to say. She wanted to make sure Amanda knew she could've said no, she could've turned Murphy down and not gone after Donald. It hadn't been their priority to bust a John and no one would've blamed Amanda for turning the proposal down. Liv could've handled Murphy had he caused trouble.

That's what she really wanted to make sure Amanda knew but what she said didn't turn out so bad either and Amanda shot her a quick smile and a bye before she shut the car door between them. Liv watched her walk up to her building in her oversized jacket and with her high heels dangling from one hand as Nick had been smart, and kind, enough to bring her sneakers for her. Liv made sure she got inside and then just took a few moments to make sure no one came up or down the street or that any suspicious cars drove by before she took off.

Amanda had a long shower and once she got out she found two missed calls from Nick so she decided to just call him back. No reason, just see if he wanted something, perhaps it was something about the case. At least that's what she told herself as she hit the redial button.

"Hey," Nick answered after just one ring and Amanda could hear he had a smile on his face and she could see it in front of her even.  
"Hi," Amanda said shaking her head trying to both get the image of his smiling face out of her head but also to get rid of the silly grin she could feel on her own face.

"You got home alright then?" he asked sitting down on his couch as he now felt able to relax with the sound of her voice.  
"Yeah, just came out of the shower," she said sitting down on her bed.  
"Oh?" he said.  
"What?" she smiled.  
"What are you wearing?" he asked.

"So it's one of those calls?" she said trying to not giggle.  
"You tell me, you were the one that called me," he teased as his hand unconsciously went to his crotch adjusting his pants a bit. The pants felt even tighter once he heard the slight chuckle on the other side of the line and he could picture her with a slight brush on her cheek. A slight blush and wearing only a towel.

Amanda had lain down on the bed with, Nick's imagination being spot on, only a towel and a blushing face. She did her best to not let her chuckle get out of control, she could feel she was close to that edge, caused by her being tired or perhaps a bit intoxicated, where she could just laugh for no good reason at all. She took a deep breath, hugged herself a bit with her one arm and pictured him right there next to her, his breath right by her ear.

Nick liked getting filthy with her and he wouldn't mind to try this phone sex thingi one day but right now though he mostly wanted to make sure she was okay.

"I didn't like Murphy pulling that stunt tonight, we weren't there to take down regular Johns," Nick said getting a bit serious.  
"Yeah but at least it didn't make the night a total bust though I guess," Amanda said hoping he wouldn't take it as she was defending Murphy, it was just meant to make him feel better.  
"He sent you to that guy's room without knowing anything about him, he could've been a total perv, he could've…"

"Can we please just talk about something else?" Amanda asked interrupting him. She felt a bit bad, it wasn't meant to shut him down, maybe he felt a need to talk about tonight but she just needed to think about something else right now.

"Sure," he said quickly but weren't completely done.  
"You sure you're alright though?"

"I'm alright Nick, promise," she said turning to her side on the bed. It wasn't a big lie, even with the long shower she still could feel Donald's hands on her but it really wasn't that that made her feel strange. It was the fact she didn't want to be touched by anyone but Nick and that felt very exclusively and just very scary. The fact she was tired though made any overwhelming feelings that might have boiled over at any other time less threatening and she was able to just enjoy the sound of his voice in her ear.

"What are you doing?" she asked quietly.  
"Well I was trying to get a hold of you," he said and she could hear the smile on his voice, "but right now I'm just sitting on the couch."  
"What you wearing?" she asked and it was his time to let out a chuckle.  
"I'm gonna use the word you used for Fin today, incorrigible," Nick smiled. There was a silent pause but it was far from awkward.

"Did you really, I mean what you and Fin talked about earlier, get that lined served to you about the inches and the… floppy whatever?"

He had smiled as he listen in on Fin and Amanda talk earlier. They were just so casual around each other, not that she wasn't like that around him but he struggled with it. He feared his true emotions would be bluntly obvious for anyone to see if he let down his guard just a bit. It was straining and it got to him at times. But the advantages of their relationship still dramatically trumped the minuses.

"It was a bit of a fib. A friend of mine, total computer geek, used it at a game fair once and he told me about it," Amanda let him know.  
"Did it work? Did he score?" Nick wondered.  
"Sadly yes," Amanda smiled when she heard him laugh.

"I liked your vitamin u, that was cute," he smiled.  
"Cute," Amanda complained and rolled her eyes as she rolled back over on her back so she could get up off the bed.  
"There's nothing wrong with cute," Nick said a bit reprimanding.

"What you doing?" he asked as he heard her move around.  
"Getting my _cute_ ass off the bed to put something on," she said and again heard his smile. He was picturing her walking across her bedroom in only a towel or maybe she'd already shed it.

"So what's the worst pick-up line you've ever gotten then?" he asked hoping to keep the conversation going and not give her a reason to hang up.  
"Do you mean like bad or just sleazy?" she asked pulling up a pair of boxers underneath her towel as she held the phone between her ear and her shoulder.  
"You got quite a lot of them haven't you?" he asked smiling.  
"Quite a few yes," she admitted.

"Why didn't you shut Fin up then?"  
"Cause we had an audience," she said like it was obvious why not.  
"Okay, give me one now then."

"I may not go down in history, but I'll go down on you."  
"That's not a bad one though," he chuckled. She hurried to pull a tee over her head so she could get back to him.  
"Okay, in college we hung out a lot with these football guys and they had some of the worst ones I tell you," she said walking in to the bathroom to leave the towel on the rack.  
"Tell me," he said immediately.

"The word of the day is 'legs'. Let's go back to my place and spread the word."  
"Oh no," Nick chuckled.  
"I'd love to touchdown in your end zone."

Nick kept chuckling.

"And then of course there was a lot of the 'I like your Braves jersey, but I bet it'd look even better on my bedroom floor'," Amanda said getting back up on her bed.  
"That one I've overheard at a bar once but with Yankee jersey."  
"Sleaziness isn't contained to one state," Amanda said getting her hands on one of her pillows so she could hug it as she laid down.

"How about the best one you got though?" Nick quizzed.  
"I kinda like Your lips look so lonely… would they like to meet mine?"  
"I'll remember that one then," Nick said, his smile constant now.

"You don't have to use lines on me," Amanda said feeling her cheeks warming up but didn't care since no one saw.  
"No? You'd let me pick you up without lines?" he said wiggling his way down into a more comfortable position in the couch. He'd heard her lay back down and tried to imagine himself being next to her.

"Of course," she whispered.  
"Oh not just yes but of course, I'm honored," he teased.  
"Stop it," she smiled unable to keep the amusement from her voice.

They kept talking for a while. They drifted off from the slight sexual banter and just talked about everyday things. He could talk to her forever. It was the first time they'd really talked like that on the phone and if he couldn't be with her then this was second best he decided and just hoped she would pick up the next time he called. He could tell she was tired even though she answered no when he'd asked her a while ago.

"Okay that's two yawns in one sentence, you can't tell me you're not tired any longer," he stated.  
"Okay, I'm a little tired," she admitted, "I can't believe I'm feeling the alcohol though. I didn't have that much but then again I didn't have a proper dinner. Remind me tomorrow to eat something before I start drinking."

"I will, how about we meet up before shift and eat something," he suggested. He wasn't sure if her pause was caused by her hesitance or the fact she was slacking off.  
"Okay," she said after a few beats though and he let out the breath he'd held on to.  
"Great, I'll come pick you up at… how about I just give you a call?" he suggested and she agreed.  
"Okay, I won't keep you then," he said even though he really didn't want to hang up.  
"Okay," she said quietly on the other line.

He closed his eyes and pictured her there in her bed. It felt a bit different saying good night like this over the phone. He wasn't sure exactly what to say and again those three words felt like the only ones he wanted to utter.

"Sleep well Amanda, and I'll see you tomorrow," was all he came up with but that felt good too.  
"Night Nick," she said softly.  
"Night," he repeated and then he heard the dial tone from her end.

Hanging up hadn't felt as bad as he'd thought. He still felt warm all over and her voice lingered inside him. He could really get used to this. Having someone to say good night to again, someone to talk to and to comfort and protect. He would always have her back. He just wished Murphy wouldn't make it harder to keep her safe though. Something about this operation didn't sit well with him. He got a unpleasant feeling something could happen to her. And that it would all be Murphy's fault.


	6. Chapter 6

Again I'm just overwhelmed by your awesome reviews - thank you all so very much.  
Seems to be a pro & a con camp when it comes to smut. There's not much in this chapter, it's more action packed (at least I hope you'll think it's action packed). There will be more smut coming up though, and a whole lot of fluff, but I'll put a warning up so the con-camp knows ;)  
Wish you all an awesome weekend!

* * *

**Chapter 6**

* * *

He drove up outside her place a little more than an hour before shift. She was already out on the pavement and he recognized the shoes she was in, it was the heels from their night out.

"Hi," he smiled as she tossed a trunk and the high heels from last night in the backseat.  
"Hi," she shot back as she jumped in to the passenger seat and when she'd closed the door behind her he caught her hesitance as it looked as though she wasn't sure if she should lean over and kiss him or not. He missed his chance to lean her way and cursed a little inside his head as she buckled in instead of locking lips with him.

"Shoe swop tonight?" he asked throwing a look over his shoulder before he took off.  
"Yeah, those were just a dread to walk in," she said.  
"Just remember I know how to get you out of those ones," he teased looking down her legs.  
"You're not playing John tonight," she teased back.  
"I am your real life John," he said winking at her and she tried to hide her blushing cheeks by shaking her head a little at him and then looked down at her phone.

"You got Liv's text?" she asked and heard his positive response while checking the message again. They were going to the hotel earlier than planned so they'd been called in earlier to the station.  
"You think its Murphy who's eager? Nick said but Amanda just shrugged as she had no clue.

They stopped at a place a few blocks from the station to have a bite to eat. It was still early so they had most of the restaurant to themselves. She was still in her normal wear except the shoes, and even though she always looked stunning, she was extra so now since she already had a base of make-up on and her hair was dolled up as yesterday. He tried his best to not stare at her though as he knew it made her feel uncomfortable. He hoped there would come a day when he could look at her without her first thought being that something was wrong. All he saw when he looked at her was perfection and he wanted her to see that too, he just hadn't figured out how yet.

He let her pay the bill this time just to not stress her out and then they drove to the station. He deliberately kept from asking her if he should drop her off at the corner as usual and just drove into the lot. If someone spotted them he could just say he'd picked her up because of this special assignment. But no one was around and he parked at the far back. He got around the car as she opened up the backseat door to get her things and he walked up right behind her, burying his face in her blonde locks as he inhaled and let his hands run around her hips and down her thighs a bit.

"Nick," she breathed looking through the tanned window up towards the station.  
"I need to kiss you," he whispered, "let me kiss you."

She took a shivering breath, she wasn't sure if it was caused by his voice or the feel of his hands resting right above her groins or perhaps the desire to have his tongue entwine with hers. She shot the station and the empty staircase another look and then spun around in his arms. Their lips met but parted quickly and her hand went up the back of his neck, got lost in his dark locks as he sucked in her air. Her feet almost came off the ground as he grabbed a hold of her ass and pressed her up against himself. Behind the tanned window they felt safe enough to savagely attack each other's mouths but once he felt as pushing her back inside and down on the backseat he knew he had to stop before he lost all control of himself.

"Damn you're hot," he whispered as his mouth got down on her neck. Both of them were breathing heavily.  
"Damn you for making me hot," she countered and he chuckled at the same time as he tried to get his breathe back. He came up to look at her and watched her bite down on her lip.  
"Don't do that, it's so damn sexy," he said and she let her lip go with a chuckle. He let her go and stepped back correcting his outfit a bit. She did the same and then let her hands brush up over her hair to make sure it was in place but as far as she could remember his hands had only been down on her ass.

"You need to do that," she said though cocking her head at his hair as she saw some sticking out in the back.  
"I'm sorry," she said hinting to ruffling up his hair.  
"You don't ever have to apologize for doing that," he said though giving her a naughty smile as he ran his fingers through his hair.  
"Okay let's get out of here," he said and she got her trunk and shoes out. He offered to carry the trunk and was a little surprised when she accepted.

**They walked in** more or less unseen, Nick of course caught some uniforms checking Amanda out in the hair-do and heels but at least their squad was nowhere to be found. He put her trunk by her desk for the time being and they both sat down at their desks to check their post and e-mails. It didn't take long until Fin walked in and Liv and Murphy had already been in the building. They had the van, two tech guys and five detectives backing them up tonight. Murphy gathered them all since they had a few new faces around and he gave them about the same speech as yesterday.

Their target was an unknown male by the name Dorian who they were hoping to get in contact with through the bartender Gavin. Finding Dorian and the location of his brothel they hoped to find the missing woman Kenzie. Murphy made sure they all got it. The plan was that Murphy himself and one of the detectives were going to play marks for Amanda. Murphy suggested though that she spent a little more time in the bar, giving Gavin the opportunity to interact a bit more with her tonight. He said he wasn't foreign to the idea of catching a John just as last night so if she had the opportunity and felt like going for it he gave her the go-ahead in advance.

Liv jumped in and made sure Amanda knew though that she could turn the regular Johns down, a too large of a number should do the trick but if it didn't they would find a way to get her off the hook. Nick felt grateful to Liv and hoped Amanda was really listening to her. He knew Liv and Amanda's relationship were a bit strained and that Amanda took everything Liv said personally. He tried to stay out of their business though knowing Amanda didn't want him involved as she, as usual, thought she could handle everything on her own.

Amanda went down to change into her outfit for the night. When she came back up Nick could just not look away. She was absolutely stunning in a black little number with silvery details around her midsection, neck and around the short sleeves. Her legs looked extra long and toned in her high heels and her hair was curled up and pinned back on the sides. She had smokey eyes making her blue eyes pop and her lips were ruby red.

"Shut it," Fin whispered as he passed him and was aiming at Nick's dropped jaw. Fin held out a jacket as he approached his partner.  
"Some people are trying to work in here you know," he joked a little but at the same time not. Not that he was jealous but he didn't like the looks the guys, and girls, were shooting her right now. She made a face but let him help her get the jacket on. She wouldn't shut it though as it was too warm inside.

"Smoking," Murphy said coming walking out of his office with Liv following. Nick shot him a peeved look.  
"Ready to head out?" Murphy asked Amanda and she nodded.  
"Okay let's pack it out people," Murphy said loudly.

Liv and Nick took a car each while Fin, Amanda and Murphy rode in the van over to the hotel. Fin left his partner in the bus with Murphy, another detective and one of the two tech guys to go up to the room and join the others. Liv and Nick had gone up along with the other tech guy as two plain clothed detectives went into the hotel bar to get situated. The last two detectives Murphy stationed outside in a third car to keep eyes on the street and entrance to the hotel.

Murphy and the tech guy made sure Amanda's wire worked. They tried a new kind tonight, she had the microphone sewed into her dress as usual but then also got a bracelet with a transceiver in one of the beads that they hoped would make it easier for her to interact with them. All she had to do was press the bead and she would be able to talk to them. She applied the tiny ear piece inside her ear canal and Murphy made sure they were connected. He got Liv to check in from upstairs and Amanda picked her up loud and clear.

"Okay, good luck," Murphy said to her, "since the place is slow yet again let's try and wait Gavin out a bit. If nothing happens I'll come in, you'll approach me at the bar."

Amanda gave him a nod that she got it and then got out behind the van. She straighten her dress a bit, got her clutch in a good grip and then crossed the street. She was feeling good again, ready for action. She had a look around the bar as she entered, as reported the place wasn't really hopping but it was still early. She spotted her two details and counted another six heads. They were all placed two and two at different tables though but it gave her the opportunity to go sit by the bar and maybe engage with Gavin a little more than last night.

She sat down at the bar and whispered a shy hi to him as he approached. He gave her a brief smile and a nod and then just waited for her to give him her order. She again went for the low alcohol drink with just one shot Campari and extra shots of juice and soda. She'd asked him to put it on a tab and just as yesterday he asked for her room number but she answered she rather pay in cash. Gavin lingered once he'd served her the drink and her glass froze midway as she was about to have a taste of it. She put the glass down again and just looked at him.

"You know what you're doing isn't allowed right?" he whispered leaning over the bar a bit.  
"I don't know what you're talking about," she said trying to act unaware.  
"Don't take me for a fool," he said, "I've seen the lot of you over the years. I can have the hotel security here in less than a minute."  
"Please don't," she said acting agitated, "I can go… or maybe I can pay you?"

Gavin gave her a slightly pissed off look.

"If you're trying to bribe me…"  
"No, I'm sorry, I just…" Amanda covered her eyes with her hand for a few seconds, trying to act really distraught. It was easy for her to produce some tears, only to wipe them away so he could see it and when she looked back up at him her eyes were shiny.  
"I just really need the cash right now and I got hurt, like really hurt, out on the street. Please…"

He watched her intensely for a while, she could tell his facial feature had soften. This guy had a heart after all.

"Okay I won't call security but keep it low key 'kej? Don't go for the really drunk ones cause they will blow your cover you know," he gave her a serious look.  
"Okay, thanks. Thank you, I will remember that and I promise I'll… low key," she said smiling as she straighten up on her high stool.

"Perfect," she heard Murphy say in her ear and she couldn't help but feel a little proud of her acting skills. AJ would be proud of her, running lines with her had made her pick up a few things after all. She hid her smile behind the drink and felt the still somewhat bitter drink go down her pipe.

**A little later** she talked to a guy that came up to the bar to order a drink, he was friendly and talkative but when she asked him if he wanted to buy her a drink he pointed to his ring and before he walked back to his friend at the table he told her that in another universe he would've bought her that drink in an instance. Amanda got another boost of self-confidence and she felt good that there were still good guys out there that respected their significant other.

Murphy came in once she'd spent about an hour at the bar. Gavin hadn't made contact again except when she called him over for a second drink. Murphy walked in looking like he'd just come down from his room and asked Gavin for the smokiest scotch whiskey he had to serve. Amanda looked over and met Murphy's eyes, he shot her a smile as he was served his whiskey and Amanda smiled back. She had to gather herself a bit, this would feel weird, flirting with her superior. But it was all a game and she knew he, with his many years of undercover experience, knew this too.

She slid off her chair and approached him after he had his first taste of his drink. She asked if she could sit down next to him and of course he said yes and even brought the stool out for her a bit. They talked casually for a while, staying in character the whole time. He asked her a few questions about New York, playing it like he was from out of town. He ordered another whiskey and offered her another drink that she accepted even though she hadn't finished her last one. After a while he started playing with her hair a bit and he leaned in close every time he had a compliment to give her. He kept it PG, complimented her hair, her make-up, her dress.

It wasn't PG enough for Nick though who listen in from the room upstairs. He worked hard to just sit still but the look Fin shot him told him he wasn't doing a good enough job and he excused himself to the bathroom for a minute. Thankfully Liv was totally focused on keeping track of the others in the bar as new people had arrived and she added scribbles to the layout plan of the bar.

Murphy decided when it was time for them to excuse themselves and he left a bill with too many zeros on it on the bar telling Gavin he would cover her drinks too. Amanda shot Gavin an awkward smile as she let Murphy wrap his arm around her waist. She felt herself yet again being swept off towards the elevators and Murphy kept his arm around her as they rode up.

"If he's still in contact with this Dorian I'm sure he's contacted him by now, we just have to wait him out," Murphy said keeping his low voice but the microphone on Amanda's dress picked it up so the others could hear it too.

Murphy let her go once they were inside the room but he wasted no time ordering Fin and Nick down to the van explaining it with the fact they needed men on the ground level. Nick didn't see the rush, why couldn't they all hang out up there for a while? If Liv would've ordered him Nick probably wouldn't have had a problem with it but he knew he was bias because of Murphy and tried to button up. Fin and Nick took the stairs down and then walked out separately in case Gavin would see them walk by.

Amanda laid down on the bed meanwhile and rested her eyes for a bit while Murphy and Liv talked in the room next doors. The sound of muffled voices in the distance always had a calming effect on her. Preferable if they laughed out loud every now and then since that's what her dad and his friends always did around the card table as the alcohol consumption increased the longer the night went on. He could never just stay home when he had his girls, they would hang out at his friend's houses and at times even in bars. She'd never had a problem with sleeping in a stranger's bed, she had her sister by her side, most often even in her arms and she could always recognize her dad's laughter and the sound of his voice in the distance made her relax.

It wasn't that Murphy's voice somehow reminded her off her dad's and that's why she fell asleep but she still felt a bit embarrassed when Liv suddenly shook her shoulder gently to get her to wake up.

"I'm sorry," Amanda said sitting up way too quickly, feeling her head spin but kept it hidden.  
"No worries," Liv smiled as she walked away again.  
"I'm going down again?" Amanda asked Murphy just to make sure, he was standing on the other side of the bed. He shot her a smile along with a nod and she took a deep breath before she walked out.

She counted more than twenty heads once she got downstairs, three females. She could only spot one of her details but figured the other one was somewhere nearby. One of the females was sitting alone at the other end of the bar and she shot Amanda a smile as she sat down. Amanda smiled back wondering why she got her attention, she didn't look like another working girl. But then the man sitting alone a couple of stools away smiled at her too as he turned his head towards her as well. Perhaps this was just a friendly bar Amanda thought to herself as Gavin walked towards her also sporting a smile for a change.

"Campari?" he asked this time and she gave him a nod and a smile.  
"It's picking up some?" she smiled at Gavin when he arrived with her drink.

He smiled back, gave her a nod but then just walked back to his regular spot behind the bar. She felt a little disappointed that she wasn't getting anywhere with Gavin. She really wanted some lead to this missing Kenzi. She liked that Murphy hadn't paid any attention to the fact she was a working girl, he'd actually never once mentioned that fact in a negative light but just been determined to try and find her.

Having a sip of her drink she suddenly wished she'd gone to the bathroom upstairs. She'd wasted the time sleeping even though she had a good night's sleep. When she realized she had to go she put her hand to her mouth once she'd made sure she had no one's attention and discretely let the others know she was in need of a bathroom break. Murphy came back and told her to hold off for just a little while until he'd placed someone in the lobby where they had a good view of the ladies room.

Once she get the go ahead she asked Gavin to just keep an eye on her drink as she would be right back and he looked willing to do that. She spotted one of her details with a magazine resting against a wall out by the elevators as though he was waiting for someone and it felt good having him there. Once she'd made sure the bathroom was empty she told the ones listening in that she wouldn't mind some privacy. Liv got back to her a second later to let her know she was the only one listening in now.

Amanda tried to pretend no one was listening and did her business. She heard the door open to the ladies room as she was still in the stall. By the sound of the heels it was another woman and Amanda relaxed again. She saw a pair of rather fancy heels walk in to the stall next to her but then turned her attention to her toilet roll as she heard the lid on the other toilet get lifted up. Amanda finished up and then left her stall.

She heard the other stall flush even before she reached the washbowl and got a little guarded as the stall door open. The woman from the other side of the bar walked out immediately shooting Amanda a smile as their eyes met in the mirror. Amanda smiled but then looked down but kept her attention up.

"I curse my small bladder," the woman said walking up to the washbowl next to Amanda. Amanda shot her another smile through the mirror. She knew something was up now cause the woman could barely had been able to empty her bladder in the short amount of time she'd been in there, not even if she had a super tiny one.

Amanda estimated she was in her early forties, she was dressed casually in jeans and a nice blouse but her shoes were not cheap. She had a nice hair-cut, not cheap either, and her face was nicely painted. Amanda noticed her manicured nails as her eyes passed her washbowl.

"I saw you at the bar right?" the woman asked reaching for a paper towel. Amanda nodded and accepted the paper towel the woman handed to her.  
"Yeah, I couldn't help but look at you, you're stunning," she said reaching for another towel and her eyes went up Amanda's body as she turned back towards her.  
"Oh, thank you," Amanda said not having to fake the blush on her cheeks. She wasn't sure where this was leading.  
"My mother always said you should never keep a compliment in," the woman smiled tossing her paper towel in the bin.

"And that's a beautiful bracelet you have," she said immediately after and she put her hands around Amanda's wrist to have a closer look. The woman's hands were cool and Amanda noticed how they caressed her arm at the same time as her eyes studied the bracelet. Even with her heels the other woman overshadowed Amanda and when she looked up she was just a few inches above her face. Amanda felt the woman's hand grab a soft hold of her own.

"I've been in your shoes you know," she said with a soft smile on her face. Amanda tried to act innocent and like she didn't understand what the woman was talking about. Once she raised her hand towards her face Amanda flinched and the woman stopped midair.  
"It's okay," she said calmly and then slowly swept a strand of hair behind Amanda's ear.

"I've been desperate for money," the woman kept talking once Amanda relaxed a bit under her touch, "with nowhere to go. All alone out there in that harsh world. With all those threats out there, having to go with men that can turn in a second. Having to do despicable things when really… making love can be something good, something nice right?"

Amanda felt a bit mesmerized by the woman's soft tone and she found herself nodding just slightly. The woman smiled and cupped her face a little.

"What's your name sweetheart?" she asked and Amanda heard herself whisper her own name.  
"Amanda, that's a lovely name," the woman smiled, "I'm Celine. I have a feeling we can become really good friends."

The woman suggested that they go back out and sit down at a table so they could talk some more. She added that she would pay for the time of course and that she had a feeling Amanda would not regret listening to her. Amanda acted a bit reluctant even though she already knew she would sit down with this Celine person. She could have a connection to Dorian or perhaps she'd taken over and then they might find Kenzi at her place.

Amanda let Celine talk her into it without putting up too much of a fight and walking out Celine complimented her on her shoes. She confided in Amanda that she had a real thing for shoes, it was probably her worst vice Celine smiled and Amanda smiled back. Once they got back to the bar it got obvious to Amanda that Celine knew Gavin at least. She only had to smile to get him over and he'd already fixed two new drinks for them.

Celine brought the two glasses over to a secluded table and asked Amanda to get off her feet. Celine placed the drink in front of Amanda and she felt a bit hesitant. What if Gavin had put something in the drink? Looking over Celine's shoulder though she saw Fin at a table and she was able to relax and had a small taste of her drink as Celine started talking.

She immediately started to tell Amanda a little about herself. How she grew up in a suburb but just never fitted in, how she tried out as a Las Vegas showgirl but realize she had potentials in other fields. She never said it out loud, just talked about 'the business' but it was rather evident she meant the sex industry. After failing as a showgirl it seemed she'd been a callgirl or escort perhaps.

She then asked Amanda to talk a little about herself so Amanda fed her the backstory she'd come up with. She subtracted a few years from her real age but stuck mostly to the truth about her birthplace so she wouldn't have to fake her accent. She said just as little as she had to but the plan was to make them think she'd come from a poor family, which wasn't that far off, and she'd started working at a strip joint at an early age. She'd done some tricking on the side to get by but then had been promised a job in New York, a regular waitress job with an apartment thrown in to the deal. Of course the opportunity had turned into a bust though and she couldn't return home. She was sleeping on a friends couch and just trying to get by from day to day.

"That sounds just terrible," Celine soothed grabbing hold of Amanda's hand, "I'm so sorry your friend didn't come true on that waitress job, I know coming to a new city like this must be very terrifying. I'm happy to hear you seem to have a friend that can house you though."

"It's not really a friend… I haven't known him for long, he doesn't really know what I do for a living," Amanda whispered that last part.  
"That's just so wrong, you shouldn't have to feel bad about what you do, it's the oldest job in the bible you know. Never feel ashamed for it Amanda. If you're good at something you should use it. Would you say that… that you're well good at it?"

"No one's ever complained," Amanda said with a bit of a shrug. Celine smiled, patted her hand a little and then started playing with her bracelet.  
"I can just tell you're remarkable at it," Celine smiled and Amanda felt a bit awkward. _Could she really tell or was it just a sales pitch?_

"I know a place where you would never have to feel scared or alone. You'd have a place to work out of, even stay at if that's what you need. You'd be surrounded by really nice girls and the men would be screened. You would never have to fear deceases or violence. You'd be taken care of and, I promise you, get paid a whole lot more than what you make in her a slow night like this."

"Yeah?" Amanda tried to act impressed. She had a hard time understanding though how anyone could buy it, you would really have to be desperate to just buy into this utopia.

"Yes," Celine reassured, "I have to ask you though, have you kept yourself clean?" Amanda nodded.  
"No deceases?" Celine asked and Amanda shook her head.  
"No you look very healthy," Celine smiled, "You have beautiful skin." Celine reached up and let the back of her hand go down Amanda's cheek. She placed her hand under Amanda's chin and looked her over a bit.

"Natural blonde?" Celine asked and Amanda nodded.  
"Great," Celine whispered and then let her hand go down over Amanda's throat, she traced her collarbone, pushing the dress a little to one side. Amanda felt a little like a livestock being sized up.

"Just perfect," Celine said, her eyes following her own hand as it now went down the dress' cleavage. Amanda felt her breath pick up a bit, she felt a rush mixed with a touch of fear.  
"And we will get you a better wardrobe," Celine smiled, her eyes going back up to meet Amanda's.  
"This dress suits you, most garments works on a beauty," Celine said as her fingers went down Amanda's collar. Amanda feared she might feel the microphone sewed in but since the dress had silver details going down the collar Amanda hoped she wouldn't pick up on it.

"But if you come with me you'll get brand name clothes and it's all included in the package, it won't cost you extra. How does that sound?"  
"Great," Amanda acted impressed by the luxury waved in front of her.

Up in the room as well as out in the van there was a bit of commotion. As Celine's fingers had gone over the microphone something had malfunctioned and they lost all audio all of a sudden. Murphy was shouting at the tech guy up in the room as Nick tried to get some answers out in the van from his tech guy. Fin had lost audio too but hung tight a bit, hoping it was just a glitch. When he heard Murphy talking to Amanda in the ear piece though he got a little stressed.

"Amanda, we've lost audio. If you can still hear me touch your hair."

They all saw Amanda swipe a strand of hair behind her ear and Fin radio in what he'd seen in case the others had lost eyes too for some reason. Amanda tried to focus on Celine at the same time as she heard Murphy tell her to try and jiggle the microphone a bit to see if it kicked back in. Celine were still holding on to one of her hands but Amanda tried to pretend to straighten her dress with her other hand though. Celine were still trying to sell her business by telling her about more perks, like a chauffeur and private parties with food and dancing. Celine's eyes though followed Amanda's hand as it went over her dress and Amanda felt unable to try and do much with the microphone.

"Still no audio," Murphy told her once Amanda's hand had dropped down to the table again, "try and use the bracelet."

Amanda tried to not show Celine how stressed she felt on the inside. Trying to listen to her at the same time as she had Murphy in her ear wasn't easy. And now she had to try and get a hold of her bracelet so she could give her team sound. Celine still had her hand resting over her wrist and bracelet and Amanda wasn't sure how to get free without raising suspicion. Celine solved it for her though as she let Amanda go to grab her drink. Amanda pulled her hand back and got her finger on the transceiver.

"Got audio," Murphy let her know which was a bit of a relief but Amanda wasn't sure she'd be able to hold on to the transceiver without it looking strange. Right now she had to focus on Celine though as she called her out.

"You're looking nervous sweetheart," Celine said, "what's going on inside that perfect bod and gorgeous head of yours?" Amanda smiled and took a deep breath.  
"It does seem a little good to be true," Amanda said carefully.  
"It does doesn't it?" Celine smiled, "But it's the God honest truth. When you get to know me you'll know that I'm brutally honest, I never lie."

Celine sounded really reliable and Amanda couldn't help but wonder how many girls and women she'd sneered with this method of hers. She was definitely good at it.

"Amanda," Celine said sounding very serious and she held on to Amanda's eyes, "Tell me, what do you long for the most? Like it can be anything, what's the one thing that would make your life better?"

Amanda folded her eyes down, trying to think really hard. _Would she answer truthfully? And what was the truth?_

"I want to feel safe," she said swallowing hard. For a second she regretted not letting go of the transceiver but she figured she could always say she answered as her UC persona if they asked. Next though she worried she'd given Celine the wrong answer. _Maybe the answer was money or success or something shallow like that._

"I mean…" Amanda started but Celine cut her off by shaking her head a little.  
"You don't have to explain yourself to me Amanda. I get it. What if I offer you safety? Would you be able to thrive then?"

Amanda felt like laughing but of course conducted herself and held it in. _Thrive in the sex industry? Sure she could do that._ Amanda nodded.

"Okay I can sit here and tell you all about this place that I think you'd fit right into but how about I just show it to you?" Celine suggested, "Would that work for you?"  
"Like right now?" Amanda asked and Celine nodded.  
"I'm not sure…" Amanda started and just wished Murphy would jump in here and tell her how to play this.

What Amanda didn't know was that emotions were flying over the air right now. Nick was out in the van fuming. He'd finally not been able to hold it in and told Murphy, and whoever else was listening, to pull her out of there. They needed to fix her wire or call this off. Murphy not getting back to him got him even angrier and the poor tech guy in the van just tried to keep his head down as Nick ventilated.

Liv finally got back to him telling him to sit tight for a bit. Celine had just suggested Amanda come with her and Nick was freaking out a bit. When he heard Murphy tell Amanda that they had her back if she wanted to go but it was up to her Nick watched the monitor in horror. Murphy told her to touch her hair again if she wanted to go. Even with the poor image on the monitor Nick could see she hesitated. He hoped someone else saw it too. Liv had to have seen it.

He felt as though the temperature of his blood dropped a few degrees when her hand went up to her hair and she pretended to readjust one of her hair pins. If he had a line in to Amanda's ear piece right now he would scream at her to wise up. But he also knew Murphy was the one who deserved the worst scolding. And Liv. _How could she let Murphy even ask that question? They knew Amanda, there was no way she would back down. A woman was missing and she could sacrifice her life for her even though she'd never met her. That's how dedicated she was to her work_.

"No way," Nick said into the feed not caring what truths he gave away, "You can not let her do this."  
"She can hear us, we have GPS on her phone and we still have ears," came Liv's response.  
"We don't have ears," Nick responded immediately, "she won't be able to keep her finger on that bracelet…" Murphy's voice cut him off.  
"We're doing this, get with it."

Nick slammed his palm into the desk so the monitor rattled. The tech guy looked a bit scared.

All he could do was listen to Celine talk Amanda into coming with her, how she wouldn't be disappointed and how she would make it worth her time. No strings attached, they were just going to have a look at the place and it would be up to Amanda to decide if it was a place she'd like to work at or not.

Liv gave orders to Nick and Fin to get in a car each and park so they had eyes on the hotel. Nick met one of the other detectives as he was stepping out of the van.

"Don't lose track of her," he warned him.  
"Not gonna happen," was the answer he got and it was good to hear right now. Nick put a hand on his shoulder before he hurried over to the car.

He could hear Celine and Amanda were getting ready to head out. The detective already outside in a plain car told them a black SUV with tinted windows had driven up outside. Nick ran to his car, spotting Fin coming rushing down the street in a pace not normal for him. Their cars were parked near each other and Nick was able to catch the look on Fin's face as he ran by, he was not his usual cool self.

Before Celine took Amanda outside she stopped her in the lobby, found a secluded spot and told Amanda she just had to check her first. That it was all a part of keeping her safe. Amanda did her best to hold on to her bracelet as she extended her hands a little so Celine could frisk her. She checked Amanda for wires and even had a good look inside her dress.

"I'm sorry, it's a dirty business," Celine smiled at her and then asked for her clutch.  
"You come well prepared," Celine smiled at her at the condoms she found in her clutch. Amanda felt a little proud for thinking of the details. Celine didn't find anything else in the clutch but Amanda's phone, a card and a lipstick and she handed it back to her.

Murphy had been shouting out orders as they got to the cars. They would take three plain cars and the van. Liv would be in Nick's car, Fin would take two detectives, Murphy was going in the third car and the rest would be in the van. They'd lost ears on Amanda for a few seconds but sound came back as she was leaving the bar.

Liv came jumping into the passenger side of Nick's car and she immediately gave Murphy word they were in place.

"Not now," she said locking eyes with Nick. He wasn't going to say anything but he figured what he wanted to say was written on his face.

Fin came back soon thereafter and let them know they were in place too. Liv put her tablet between them in the car.

"We're not going to lose her," she said as they both watched the little dot that was Amanda slowly move over the screen. They had a trace on her phone. They both looked up to see her come walking out with Celine holding on to her arm.

"That's our ride," they heard Celine said. The sound wasn't great but they picked up most that was said even with the distracting sounds as the wind and the slight traffic passing on the street.

Celine held up the door for her and Amanda stepped inside the huge car. The back had two seats facing each other and she immediately spotted the man sitting in the back. He smiled and patted the seat next to him. She'd lost the contact with the transceiver in her bracelet as she hesitated slightly but she grabbed it as she stepped further in and had a seat next to the sharp looking man. He had the same skin color as Fin, perhaps slightly darker, but his eyes were hidden behind a pair of sunglasses. He smiled, sporting a gold tooth to one side, had a short cut afro and a tattoo coming up the left side of his neck. He wore black pants, nice sneakers, a white tee with a black blazer over it and topped it all off with a thick gold chain around his neck. She saw three thick gold rings with bling on his hand that he pulled back so she could have a seat next to him.

Celine jumped in behind her, shut the door and had a seat opposite them. She tapped the window to the driver and the car took off.

"Amanda, meet Dorian. Dorian this lovely woman is Amanda," Celine smiled while introducing the two. Amanda was happy she had the bracelet on her left hand as she now had to extend her right to meet Dorian's.  
"A pleasure," he said with a low and soft voice before he kissed the back of her hand. Amanda smiled shyly and looked away meeting Celine's eyes.  
"Oh you are a doll," Dorian smiled holding on to her hand for a few seconds longer.

"Dorian is my boss, he can be yours too," Celine said looking very pleased. Amanda dared to look back at him. He'd let her hand go and now slowly removed his sunglasses. He had blue eyes, Amanda thought it was contacts because of the bright shade of blue. It suited him. He was a good looking man, and clearly well groomed in more than one way.

"Do you want a drink?" he asked and out of the corner of the eye Amanda saw Celine pull a section of the seat and a light turned on to expose a small liquor cabinet.  
"I'm fine thanks," she said with a smile. She heard ice go down a glass and soon Celine handed Dorian a glass.

"So you're an independent woman from what I understand," Dorian said looking at her while he had a taste of his drink. Amanda nodded a bit hesitant.  
"All good," Dorian smiled probably sensing her doubt, "shows you have a drive." Dorian shot her another smile but then Amanda saw his eyes go down her body. She'd crossed her legs and his eyes stopped by her knees. He leaned forward and placed his hand on her knee and then let it slide down her leg.

"You work out?" he asked letting his hand rest on her calf as he looked back up at her. She nodded.  
"I run... a lot," she said trying to just be still under his touch. He nodded like he approved and then sat back bringing the glass back to his lips.

"It's nothing wrong with being independent," he said once the amber liquid had gone down his throat, "but I promise you that once you see what I can offer you, you'll want to come work for me."

Dorian and Celine exchanged a look.

"So this place," Amanda asked trying to sound casual, "where exactly is it?" Dorian's hand immediately came back to her knee and then slid down her thigh a bit.  
"It's not far, you don't have to worry Amanda, you're perfectly safe with us," Dorian said scooting in a little closer to her.  
"I'm not worried," Amanda said.  
"I can feel you're tense," Dorian said rubbing her thigh a bit, "it's okay though. You've had to have your guard up this whole time being alone out there. With me you'll be able to relax."

"Dorian, Amanda told me all she really wants is to feel safe," Celine let him know. Dorian had turned his eyes towards her but now came back to Amanda.  
"And with me you'll always feel safe, no one will ever hurt you, I promise you that Amanda," he said, his gold tooth just inches from her face and it drew Amanda's attention.

"So I can tell you're not from around her, tell me a little about yourself," Dorian asked leaning back against the seat right next to her.

Nick was driving just two cars behind the black SUV. Ever since he'd heard the name Dorian his heart had been racing. With the faulty wire he just didn't like picturing her in a car with him or that he was taking her to the place which probably was his brothel. They were listening to Amanda tell Dorian about her hometown, which she said was Atlanta. He asked her if she'd done any work down there and Amanda gave him the name of some strip clubs that they figured actually existed.

At the next intersection Fin swopped placed with him and he hung back a few cars. Murphy was in the car right behind theirs now. The van was falling behind a little further to not get recognized in case the driver kept a look-out. Dorian's questions got a little more explicit as he asked what preferences she had and what she enjoyed doing most. Amanda must have made a face or done something that told him she wasn't comfortable answering his questions cause he excused himself and then told her that he only asked for her benefit as well as his own. He apparently preferred to put his girls to best use and in his experience the girls worked best if they got to do what they liked doing the most.

Nick listen to Amanda try to wriggle her way past Dorian's question by saying she'd pretty much done everything by now. She really didn't have a preference when it came to men, whatever race or age worked and when Dorian asked if she could do girl on girl as well she answered yes but that she didn't have that much experience at it. He didn't seem willing to drop the subject though and kept pushing her to answer what she was really good at. Nick could only imagine how uncomfortable Amanda must be feeling right now knowing everyone was listening in. All of a sudden though the wire went dead.

Nick shot Liv a worried look. Liv looked a bit concerned too but just as Nick she figured that Amanda might prefer to answer the question without ears. They heard Murphy tell Fin to slide back and they would take his spot at the next intersection. Minutes passed with nothing from inside the car. Only Liv, Murphy and the van were hooked in and able to make direct contact with Amanda and soon Murphy reached out and told Amanda to check back in if she was able to. Nothing was heard and soon the car slowed down in front of a rundown building. There was a sign saying 'rooms for rent' in a window by the door.

The SUV stood out between the shabby cars parked down the road which meant Nick's car didn't really blend in either. He'd turned off his lights and parked before he reached the building. Both Fin and Murphy's cars had driven by to make U-turns further down the street. Nick and Liv were the only ones with eyes on the car and they got nervous when there was no movement for quite some time. Suddenly they had sound again though and they heard Dorian talk, he was saying something about blood tests.

The SUV's driver jumped out and came around to open the door for them. Celine stepped out first. Nick felt a bit relieved when he got eyes on Amanda who stepped out with Dorian right behind her and as soon as they got out on the street Dorian swept his hand around her waist. Three women, dressed nicely but not really classy, stepped out and Dorian told the driver to check back in when they arrived.

"Good evening ladies, have fun," Dorian said and they heard distant giggles that must have come from the three women that now jumped in to the car. Liv had gotten the camera up and were snapping photos with the giant lens.

"We should stop them now," Nick said. Liv handed Nick the camera as she tried to get in contact with Murphy.  
"That's a negative," Murphy came back, "we don't have enough yet."  
"What?" Nick spat out motioning with his hands towards the building, "C'mon Liv, if she goes in there...we won't be able to keep her safe."  
"They probably won't make her work tonight," Liv started but Nick interrupted.  
"Probably? You don't know that," he said agitated.

"He could just let her walk out and then we'll have good knowledge about what's in there," Liv tried but couldn't fully hide the concern from her voice. She'd already aired her concern about this operation to Murphy. He was pulling stunts out right and left lately and she had a bit of a hard time keeping up actually. She'd gone from really disliking the lieutenant to thinking he might have his head screwed on after all. Perhaps it was the fact he'd saved her badge though and she'd been grateful and therefore willing to give him a fair chance. She'd also figured her squad needed a firm hand and a direction that Murphy might be able to give them. Lately though her concerns had awoken again and this was not helping to ease them.

"At least get back-up, if we have to get her out we'll need back-up," Nick said as he saw Dorian take Amanda inside the building. Liv got in touch with Murphy while the SUV drove away and thankfully he agreed to call in back-up.

They had sound and as Dorian gave Amanda the scoop all they had to do was listen in. Dorian told her they had the two top floors and unfortunately the elevator was out of order so they had to take the stairs. Walking up he told her business meetings mostly took place at the top floor, the girls had apartments on the floor below and only occasionally brought clients there. He let her know he had a place for her if she needed one.

All Amanda had to do was acknowledge what Dorian was saying and try and make sure she had the bracelet close to Dorian so the others could pick up everything he said. She held her clutch in her left hand along with the bracelet and kept it up against her body a bit so she didn't think anyone thought it was strange. She felt a slight cramp in her finger but nothing would make her release that transceiver now that she'd gotten a hold of it again.

On the way up she didn't spot any guards or armed men. The first two floors looked like regular living quarters. They'd stopped on the third floor and it looked almost the same only that some of the doors were open and you could hear voices and music coming from somewhere. Celine had gone up ahead, down one of the two corridors and now waved Dorian and Amanda over. Amanda was introduced to two girls in what looked like a normal apartment with rather good standard. They were called Diamond and Cinnamon though which felt a bit like their stage names. They were both good looking, dolled up but dressed down right now. They both kissed Dorian on the cheek and Amanda saw him grab at least one of the girl's bottoms.

"Working later?" he asked once they got back to lounging on the couch.  
"Of course boss," one of them said with a bright smile.  
"That's what I like to hear," Dorian smiled.

"Are you joining us Amanda?" one of the girls asked her.  
"She's thinking about it right?" Dorian said reaching up to caress her cheek and Amanda nodded.  
"You won't regret it," the other girl said and then looked to Dorian who shot her a wink that Amanda didn't miss.  
"Okay, see you later girls," Dorian said, let his hand snake up behind Amanda's neck and he led her back outside. She felt his hands gently rubbing the back of her neck.

"So we can get you a furnished place if you like and then you'll just have to go upstairs to work," Dorian said bringing her upstairs. From first looks this floor looked the same but it will turn out to be a little different behind closed doors.

"So down this way you have rooms," Dorian said pointing one way, "and down this way we have like rooms for groups and gatherings. And we have the customer's entrance down this way. You never take them up through the front. We've built in the fire escape on the back so the clients always use that entrance. That won't be your job though, all you'll have to do is greet them in here..." He'd brought her down to what looked like a waiting room but of course glammed up. There was a self service bar in one corner with lots of bottles and glasses. The lightning was soft and there was music in the background.

"It's nice and all," Amanda said carefully, "but it doesn't really look safe. I mean..." Dorian brought her in closer and wrapped his arm around her.

"Don't worry, it's a slow night okay so that's why there's not many around tonight. But I have one guy in the stair right now, he won't let anyone in that doesn't belong here. Busy nights I have two guys down stairs and we have a hostess in here. There are cameras in the hallways on both floors and there's a guy watching at all hours of the day, even right now." Dorian turned up towards a camera in the corner and waved at it.

"There are cameras down at the entrances too?" Amanda asked trying to sound like she was still worried for her safety.  
"Don't worry okay, you'll be perfectly safe here. I've run this place for a year now and we haven't had any hassle, no cops, no freaks, just good, and clean customers that pay well. This is a good place and I have nothing to hide."

He was taller than her and he bent his knees now to get to her eye level and he made her face him.

"Okay?" he said and she nodded.  
"You're too cute," he said placing a kiss on her cheek before he turned to Celine who'd stayed close by the entire time, "Can we show her something else?"

Celine checked her phone and Amanda figured she might have some kind of schedule in her phone. Celine nodded and led the way.

"Most rooms down this way are free tonight, as Dorian said, it's a slow night," Celine said turning back and smiling at Amanda.  
"This is one of our party rooms," Celine said opening up a door and turning the lights on. It looked like a small club with a bar, a small stage with a pole, a disco ball in the roof and some black leather couches by one wall.

"Looked something like the strip joints you worked maybe?" Dorian said behind her and Amanda felt his hand go down her back and land on her hip. Amanda nodded. Celine walked back out and Amanda followed feeling Dorian's hand go down over her ass as she passed him.

"That one looks about the same," Celine said passing another door, "and here's the kinky room." Amanda got why they called it that once she had a look inside. Various contraptions hung from the roof or ran down the walls.

"You decide if that's something you want to do or not," Dorian said walking up behind her. Amanda swallowed hard and then shot him a smile over her shoulder.  
"You kind of like that don't you?" he said giving her a mischievous smile.  
"Maybe," she said a bit cryptic and walked back out. She heard Dorian snicker a little behind her.

"And then there are two dining rooms and another party room down there," Celine said pointing further down the corridor.  
"This place is packed during the weekends," Dorian said proudly, "Celine runs the books, it's packed this weekend right?"  
"Right," Celine answered, "back-to-back booked. You can make several grands a weekend like that."

Celine directed that last part at Amanda.

"What singles are free?" Dorian said once he'd trapped Amanda with one arm around her back and brought her back down the same way they came from.  
"From five and up," Celine said walking a few steps behind them.

"Let's sit down and talk business," Dorian said giving Amanda a wink.  
"I think I'd like to think about this after all," Amanda said, "I mean it's a commitment, I don't want to let you down."  
"I don't think we'll have a problem with that," Dorian smiled.  
"It is a commitment though," Amanda said getting a little distracted by a very distinct sound coming from behind a door they passed. The grunting couldn't be misinterpreted.

She felt very reluctant to walk in through the door Dorian opened for her but his arm around her waist urged her to and she didn't see any other way than inside. The room she walked in to looked stripped and just housed a couch, a table and a sidebar with a few bottle and glasses on top. The walls were dark red, empty and the only light came from a panel running down one of the walls. The windows were covered by thick curtains that added to the glum feel of the room. She spotted another door that most likely led to a bedroom.

"Have a seat," Dorian said behind her and when she spun around she saw him close the door, Celine was nowhere to be found.  
"I'm pouring you a drink," he said not giving her a choice and she walked over to the couch to sit down as he fixed them drinks.

He removed his blazer and she spotted the gun tucked down the back of his pants. She sat down at the far end of the couch and crossed her legs sensing it would be proactively. Once he came back he smiled in a way she couldn't interpret. He handed her one glass and sat down in the middle of the couch about an arm's length away from her.

"This isn't too bad right?" he asked leaning back and looking around the room. She smiled and had a taste of her drink.

"You'll be perfectly safe working here, the clients are screened, you'll get a more than decent percentage and you'll have a say in what clients you take on," he said turning his eyes towards her. She caught them over the rim of his glass.

"You'll let me chose clients?" she asked a little skeptical. He nodded but she could tell he wasn't completely sincere.  
"And how many I take on?" she asked and again he nodded.

"Of course if you move in you will have to take on enough to cover your rent," he said still with a smile on his face.  
"Of course," she smiled back. She figured there were more requirements he was keeping from her. The detective in her took over.

"How many girls live in house?"  
"I'd say about 30, it's like a sorority house."  
"I never went to college," Amanda said tasting her drink.

"Girls like you don't need to go to college Amanda," he said scooting a little closer, his hand finding its way to her knee quickly. She followed it as it went up her thigh a little. When her eyes came back up again he shot her a smile but then removed his hand. He put down his glass on the table and stretched out a little on the couch so he could get something out of his pocket.

"Do you want some?" he asked holding out a small container that couldn't hold anything but drugs. She shook her head a little.  
"Sure? You seem a little tense," he smiled as he twisted the lid of the container. She let out a slight chuckle.  
"I'm sorry," she said, "this is just all… a bit overwhelming. I wasn't really expecting this would happen when I got ready for tonight."

He chuckled as he picked up a bit of white powder on his finger and inhaled it through his nose. He repeated the same in the other nostril and then rubbed his finger on his gum. He held out the container towards her.

"Is there a bathroom?" she asked, "If I could just…"  
"There's one in there," Dorian said gesturing towards the bedroom. He put his container on the table and brought out his phone.

"Will you watch that for me," Amanda smiled placing her clutch on the table with a big, trusting smile towards him. Dorian gave her a quick smile before his attention went back to his phone. She hurried up a bit, threw a quick look around the bedroom and then ducked into the bathroom.

"He's not going to let me leave," she said putting the bracelet close to her mouth.  
"We're right outside on the street," Murphy let her know, "back-up is on its way, just minutes away. Where exactly are you?"  
"Forth floor, left from the stairs, number 12 on the door. He's packing," Amanda said quickly but quietly.  
"Okay, anyone else?"  
"I haven't seen anyone around, just Celine and a couple of ladies. No Kenzie. Did you hear about the back stair and the guard?"  
"Yeah, and cameras," Murphy let her know.  
"I've only seen cameras in the hallways though, nothing in the lobby but I'm not a hundred," Amanda said turning the water on just in case.

"Give me the layout," Murphy said and Amanda started filling him in on what she'd seen so far.  
"Can you hold on for another few minutes?" he asked once she was done.  
"Sure," Amanda said while chewing down on her lip.  
"Can you get to his gun?" he asked.  
"Maybe," she said.  
"I'll let you know when we're moving in, we're coming through both entrances. You decide if you go for his gun or if you want to get out of the way. You're doing great Amanda," Murphy said ending the conversation.

Amanda took a deep breath and then flushed the toilet. She had a quick look at herself in the mirror and caught her own eyes. She didn't look as secure as she'd hoped.

"You can do this Amanda," she whispered before she realized she was still holding on to the transceiver. She frowned and hoped no one had heard her. 'Fuck' she mouthed into the mirror and then went back out. Dorian was on the phone and was pacing the room a little which only suited Amanda cause it meant time would pass when he was busy with something else than her. He gestured at her to sit back down and she obeyed with a smile on her face. She grabbed her drink and leaned back on the couch. She wasn't really sure who or what Dorian was discussing on the phone as he was mostly silent. Every time he turned his back to her she had a look at his piece and tried to picture herself grabbing it.

The phone call ran long though, Dorian got a little worked up yelling something about that he should've been there making sure it ran smoothly. As he listen to whoever was on the other line he came over to sit on the couch next to her. He took a quick swig of his drink and then rubbed Amanda's thigh as he let the one of the other line have it. She saw an opportunity to reach in behind him but then he suddenly leaned in and Amanda found herself meeting up with his lips just briefly.

"Just another sec," Dorian whispered once he'd let her lips go and he got up to pace around again.

Amanda felt a little disappointed she'd missed her chance and then got a little anxious as she heard Murphy let her know they were moving in. Amanda grabbed her glass and got up off the couch. She pretended to have a look around just to see if she could get a chance to get close to him. She passed the window and just had a look behind the curtain, the window was nailed shut and blocked. Just as she was about to close in on him an alarm seemed to go off, it wasn't that loud but it was for sure an alarm as Dorian immediately got off his phone with a grim look on his face.

"C'mon," he said waving her over. She wasn't sure what to do but just made sure to hold on to her bracelet as he grabbed a hold of her other wrist and pulled her outside. He'd pulled his gun.  
"What's going on?" she asked trying to stay in character and act scared.  
"Not sure but this is keeping you safe," he said pulling her down the hallway.

"What?" he shouted down the hallway as he saw Celine and a guy coming up the stairs.  
"Raid," the guy yelled back.  
"Cops?" Dorian shouted, stopped and then turned back to Amanda, "Are you a cop?" Amanda shook her head. She wasn't sure what answer would keep her out of harm's way but it felt natural to deny it at this point.

"Are you a cop?" Dorian asked again putting the gun against her head. Amanda lost the transceiver as she put up her hand in a defensive manner.

Nick tried to take deep breaths as he stood in the shadows behind the building just waiting for Murphy's go-ahead. He had Liv to his right and knew Fin was in the shadows on the other side of the back staircase. He hadn't heard Amanda's voice in a while. At first he'd worried that Dorian was yelling at her but it got obvious that wasn't the case and that he was probably on the phone.

Once Murphy's go-ahead finally came Fin walked up to the back entrance. Posing as a costumer he was able to get right up to the guard at the bottom of the stairs and he easily overpowered him and took his gun from him. Liv and Nick passed him and they started to make their way up the dark and somewhat narrow staircase. They'd only made it to the first floor when they heard a low but ominous alarm from above. Nick picked up pace when he heard someone yell 'raid' through Amanda's transceiver. He felt as though his heart stopped as he heard Dorian ask, most likely aimed at Amanda, if she was a cop. He didn't hear an answer and right after the question was repeated the line went dead.

They were all listening for a gunshot as they continued up the stairs. Nick wanted to sprint but knew Amanda could be in an even bigger jam if they died there in that staircase so he stayed back and they took the staircase methodically and one flight at a time. All three of them, Nick, Liv and Fin, had proceeded to the floor they knew she was on while Liv had gestured for the other cops to clear the third floor. Nick met Liv's eyes before he got the door open. Liv peeked out and spotted two half-naked people, a male and female, trying to get down the regular staircase. She let them run figuring someone would stop them further down. She lunged herself across the hallway. Nick came out right behind her. The alarm was soft but still annoying. A half-naked man was lying face down a little further down and they heard a woman crying in the distance.

"This way," Nick said taking off down the hallway. He only got a couple of steps when he stopped and raised his gun. It was only Murphy coming out of a room though.  
"She's not there," he yelled having cleared room 12.  
"Then where is she?" Nick asked anxiously. Two other cops came out after Murphy and he told them to clear the rest of the rooms down the hall.  
"He didn't take her down so she's here or they've gone up," Murphy said joining the small group.  
"C'mon," Fin urged not wanting to just stand around and they got down the other corridor.

Murphy ordered another few vests that came up the stairs to clear the left side of the premises. Nick heard him give the code for officer in danger and to proceed with caution and he tasted blood as he bit through his cheek making his way down the corridor.

Fin was right by a closed door and locked eyes with Liv before he got it open. They proceeded inside while Nick and Murphy took the next room. The first two rooms were empty but then they found the surveillance room, it was abandoned, but the monitors were running and gave them a view of the premises.

"Roof," Nick almost yelled pointing at one of the monitors. There was no sign of Amanda, Dorian or Celine but one monitor showed the roof and there was an open door that gave them a lead at least someone fled through it. They scattered trying to find the way up and soon Liv yelled for their attention. She'd already gone up the steep stair when Nick ran in. Liv and Nick had cleared the roof by the time Fin and Murphy got up there. Looking around they saw at least three ways they could've fled and Nick felt a bit apprehensive. He wasn't the only one that felt that way but then a shot rang out and their heads all turned the way the sound had echoed from and they took off. At the same time the helicopter they'd heard in the distance showed up and lit up their way. They heard another few shots though and Nick hoped for dear life they were aimed at the helicopter and not Amanda.

The helicopter swayed but leveled back up and got to a higher altitude. Its lights though had zeroed in on a roof top ahead of the detectives and Nick heard the helicopter pilot say they had eyes on the suspects, they had three bodies in sight. Nick just made it over a roof passage when he caught gun fire and he ducked down to one side. He didn't fire back knowing Amanda could catch a stray bullet. He fired two shots back though, high above the target, just to give the other detectives a safe crossing.

"Did you see her?" Liv asked ducking down beside Nick. He shook his head. Murphy signaled he would proceed and Fin took his flank. Another shot rang out and they all had to duck down.

"I give up, I surrender," they heard a female voice call out over the sound of the helicopter.  
"Surrender your gun," Murphy yelled, "and get your hands up in the air."  
"Okay," the woman shouted and they saw a gun get tossed towards them and soon thereafter they saw Celine's head pop up along with her raised arms.  
"Walk slowly towards my voice," Murphy yelled at her and she stepped out into the open making her way slowly towards them.

"Where's Dorian?" Murphy yelled out still hiding behind his cover not trusting Celine for a second.  
"He didn't come up here with me," she shouted folding her hands behind her head which gave them a good indication she'd gone through this procedure before.  
"You're lying, we know he's up here. Where is he?" Murphy yelled furiously.  
"I don't know, that way," Celine said gesturing a little further out on the roof.

"You bitch," a voice rang out closely followed by a gun shot and Celine was thrown to the gravel on the roof. Keeping his head down Murphy made his way over to her. She was crying, panting hard but the bullet only looked as though it had grazed her back.

"Stay down," Murphy said cuffing her one wrist to a pipe nearby.  
"Shut up and stay down," Murphy hissed when she started to plead for him to not leave her there. She piped down quickly and Murphy proceeded once he'd made sure he had Fin covering him.

"I'll kill this bitch," Dorian yelled out, "I want a free passage."  
"That will only happen if you let her go," Murphy yelled out.  
"Ha, like you would let me go then, she's my leverage, she's one of you right?" Dorian yelled back. They still hadn't even got a glimpse of either Dorian or Amanda.

"Let her go Dorian, we can work this out," Murphy tried as they all got closer to where the voice was coming from.  
"Get that fucking helicopter away," Dorian screamed and then a shot rang out. They all ducked down but were quickly back up and moved further in.  
"That won't happen Dorian, let her go and we can talk this out," Murphy said knowing Dorian was just around the corner now.

"Fuck you," Dorian called back.  
"If that's what you like but let her go first," Murphy yelled out locking over to make sure where he had the rest of his team. He locked eyes with Liv and nodded as she suggested she made her way around the other way. He saw her and Nick take off.  
"A comedian eh? Not the right audience though. Let me down off this roof or this bitch is dead," Dorian yelled.

"My name is lieutenant Murphy, why don't you step out here so we can talk?"  
"You're in charge?"  
"Yes," Murphy said leaning back against a tin wall for a few seconds taking a deep breath as he waited for Dorian's response.

"Can you get me off this roof?" Dorian yelled.  
"If you let her go yes. If something happens to her though you're coming down in a body bag," Murphy threatened taking a gamble.

He locked eyes with Fin while waiting for Dorian's response. None came though until Dorian suddenly cursed and a row of curses came out as he suddenly stepped out into the open. Both Murphy and Fin got their weapons raised towards him but they held off as Dorian had Amanda wrapped tightly to him.

"Stay off," Dorian screamed at Liv and Nick as he'd spotted them just yards away from his other flank.  
"Dorian," Murphy yelled out making him turn to face them.

Nick had heard Dorian's voice as he and Liv sneaked closer on his other flank. Peeking carefully around the corner he spotted both Dorian and Amanda on their feet pushed up against a wall. Nick pulled back, taking a deep breath as he leaned back.

"Amanda?" Liv mouthed quietly and Nick nodded. She had to pull back further as the light of the helicopter caught her. The light was helpful but the sound and the wind it caused were distracting. Liv looked for a way to get further around Dorian but they really had nowhere to go but around the corner now. She exchanged a fearful look with Nick. Neither one knew exactly what to do but things got in motion as Dorian caught sight of them. Both Nick and Liv walked out with raised guns once they realized they'd been caught and for a few seconds all Nick saw was Amanda's eyes. She didn't look scared, there was just a blank look in her eyes. There was a thin line of blood running down her right temple. Her wrists looked taped with ordinary tape and her arms were folded in front of her as Dorian had a steady grip around her torso.

"Stay off," Dorian screamed pointing the gun at them. Nick preferred it was pointed at him than on Amanda though.  
"Dorian," Murphy yelled out from his position and Nick and Amanda's eyes were disconnected as Dorian pulled her around.

"Just put the gun down and this will be over," he heard Murphy yell. Both Nick and Liv followed Dorian as he pulled Amanda further back away from them.  
"She's dead," Dorian threaten putting the gun against Amanda's temple. Nick gritted his teeth, squeezing the handle on his gun hard.

"Don't make this worse for yourself Dorian, don't be stupid," Murphy yelled. A couple of steps further and then Nick spotted both Murphy and Fin out of the corner of his eye. The helicopter had them all in their light's perimeter. Dorian kept pulling Amanda with him towards the other side of the roof. Suddenly she slipped and they both stumbled a bit but Dorian managed to keep on his feet as she fell to her knees.

"Let her go," Murphy yelled but Dorian grabbed a hold of her hair and pulled her with him. For the first time Nick saw pain displayed over Amanda's face but she quickly gathered herself. She did her best to get back up on her feet but Dorian made it harder since he was pulling her backwards the whole time.

"Just let her go," Murphy tried again.  
"Shut the fuck up," Dorian yelled still with the gun pointed to her head while he threw nervous looks towards the end of the building that they were getting closer to. Nick wasn't sure what he was hoping for. _A golden escalator to freedom? _Amanda had given up on trying to get to her feet and just scrambled along on her knees. Dorian growled, probably realizing he was putting himself in a corner.

"Back off," he screamed trying to take a few steps back towards the detectives. All of them stayed put though.  
"I said back the fuck off," Dorian screamed waving his gun a bit but still holding it mostly towards Amanda's head.

They'd reached a deadlock and all of them seemed aware of this. Dorian was getting even more agitated. Nick tried to keep his eyes focused on the man with the gun but his eyes went down to Amanda ever so often. He wasn't sure at what or whom she was looking at but it wasn't him and it looked as though her eyelids were getting heavier. Her blinks were getting longer and he felt as though time started to tick a little slower. Even Murphy's voice as it yelled at Dorian for a third time to let her go seemed to echo in slow-motion.

"Fuck you," Dorian yelled just as expected and his gun went up a little towards Murphy.

A single shot rang out. The bullet came from Murphy's gun and it went straight into Dorian's right shoulder. It made his gun hand fling even further back but he managed to hold on to his gun. Somehow Amanda managed to get her leg out and she swept Dorian off his feet in one swift and perfectly aimed move. Amanda then flung herself forward, away from Dorian as the detectives rushed in to apprehend and disarm him. Fin and Murphy reached him first though and both Liv and Nick got their hands on Amanda instead and more or less lifted her up and a couple of steps away from her previous threat. Fin showed no mercy pushing Dorian's face down in the grovel as Murphy got his hands on his gun.

"Are you okay?" Liv asked anxiously getting her hands around Amanda's face to get a good look at her. Amanda seemed out of breath but nodded while avoiding Liv's eyes. Liv's concern went up to the blood on the side of her head but she calmed down when she could tell it wasn't a deep gash. Nick tugged at the tape around her hands but then used his teeth as it wouldn't budge. He wasn't sure what felt more satisfying but removing the tape around her hands at the same time as she shot him a faint smile felt great and he managed to breathe properly for the first time in a long while. Murphy interrupted the moment though as he came up behind her and called for her attention to find out how she was doing. She again just nodded and Murphy told her what a great job she'd done.

Nick suddenly got aware of the buzz up on the roof. All of a sudden it was swarming with cops and someone handed him a jacket that he placed around Amanda's shoulders as Liv started to pull her towards an exit. Dorian was screaming he was dying but Nick paid no attention and just helped Liv get Amanda downstairs. They got down through a different building, no one really said anything but just nodded or shook their head at the questions that came their way. There was an ambulance down on the street but Amanda insisted she was okay. She only wanted to know if they'd found Kenzi in there. Neither Liv or Nick knew, their priority had been Amanda and they'd actually forgot all about Kenzi. Liv bargained with Amanda and said she would find out if Amanda let the paramedics have a look at her. Amanda agreed and Nick stayed with her while Liv left to find answers for Amanda.

Nick let Amanda go once she had a seat at the back of the ambulance and he took a step back to let the paramedic do his work. He couldn't let her go with his eyes though. She looked okay, she looked calm and even though he'd been on the brink of breaking down just minutes ago he felt just the same. Okay. Calm. She met his eyes every now and then and she kept giving him a soft smile every time. The paramedic called for her attention ever so often though. He wanted to know what had happen, how she got the cut in her head, if she was feeling nauseous and if anything hurt. She answered it had just been a regular day at work, she got knocked upon the head with a gun just a little, she was feeling fine and she wasn't in any pain. The paramedic got a little concern when he lit the light in her eye and she frowned a little.

"Does it hurt?" he asked.  
"No but it's bright," she said.  
"Let's try again though," he asked and this time she just followed his light to get it over with.

He listen to her heart, cleaned up the small cut on the right side of her head and then took her blood pressure. Nick couldn't help but smile as he called her calm as a cucumber and Amanda rolled her eyes. He knew she hated sayings like that, they just didn't make sense. The paramedics squatted down in front of her to have a look at her knees that were a little grazed from the gravel on the roof. It gave Nick a chance to hold her eyes for a little longer and even though he most of all wanted to hold on to her it felt okay to just stand like that, hold each other's eyes and even though no words were spoken he knew she was fine.

Fin walked up and put a hand on Amanda's cheek. He asked if she was okay and she said yes. Liv joined them and she had Murphy with him. Nick felt a little flare in his gut when the lieutenant got in the picture but he bit down out of respect to Amanda.

"Kenzi's not in there," Liv said as Amanda looked at her a bit eagerly. Amanda looked a little disappointed as her eyes went over to Murphy.  
"We'll find her, we got sixteen women out of there and I'm sure more will show up during the night. We'll question them all, someone will have seen her," Murphy said sounding optimistic, "Sixteen women, five Johns, three men packing, Celine and Dorian. No serious injuries. This was a great bust. You did really good."

Murphy looked very satisfied and it only made Nick feel even angrier. He didn't get a chance to say anything as Murphy started giving out orders again. He told Fin to get Amanda back to the station, he wanted a brief statement from her before he let her leave. He told Liv and Nick to help him out round things up here. Nick was about to say something when a high ranking uniform called for Murphy's attention. Liv grabbed Nick and pulled him away. Nick looked back to see Fin help Amanda up on her feet and then brought her further down the street.

Nick had felt calm once he got Amanda out of there but the anger built up as time passed. He found himself left behind at the crime scene and learnt Murphy and Liv had headed back without him. It wasn't necessarily a problem, his car was after all still at the crime scene, but everything just started to build up to one huge chip on his shoulder. He'd been upstairs in the brothel again and he realized just how lucky they'd been. It had been a slow night and the security had been low. The armory they had in the surveillance room could have caused some serious damage. They had grenades, multiple firearms and cop killer bullets, automatic rifles and even a sniper rifle. With enough men there Dorian could've killed all of them, Amanda included.

Driving back to the station he worked himself up even more and he knew he had to speak up before this maniac Murphy had one of them killed. He walked right by Fin, not noticing his squinted eyes as he could tell something was up with Nick, and aimed straight for Murphy's office. No, not Murphy's, it was Cragen's and partly Liv's, but not Murphy's.

"That's the last time," Nick said stomping right up to the desk that Murphy was standing behind. Liv stood right beside and shot Nick a surprised look. Murphy didn't look as stunned though, he kept his usual calm expression even when the detective's voice rose even higher.

"You don't send someone in to a dangerous situation like that with faulty wires. You had no idea what you sent her into."  
"The situation was under control detective," Murphy said calmly finally dropping the file he had in front of him a little.  
"It was not," Nick close to shouted back at him, "You sent her in blind."

"She agreed to…" Murphy started but Nick cut him off, voice even angrier now.  
"No. You don't know her, we know her," Nick said gesturing between himself and Liv, "We know she doesn't back down. Ever. It was your job to keep her out of there." Nick turned his finger towards Murphy.

"Your job as her superior to keep her safe," he said furiously.  
"She _was_ safe," Murphy said just as calmly as before.

"She had a frickin gun pointed to her head, she was bleeding," Nick started to feel out of breath, "she was down on her knees…" He quiet down only to feel another kind of fury building up.  
"She was down on her knees," Nick hissed through gritted teeth, "but maybe that's how you want her? Down on her knees between a man's legs."

"Nick," Liv spat out, stunned by her partner's insinuation. Nick held on to Murphy's eyes as Liv's went between the two. Murphy's eyes finally dropped and Nick was about to say something but Liv cut him off.

"That's it. You're dismissed," she said anger now displayed on her face.  
"Go home," she said pointing towards the exit, "Now!" The last word was shouted as he tried a slight plea with his eyes.

Nick threw one last look at Murphy, who still kept his eyes down, and then turned to leave. He knew he was stomping a bit but he didn't care. Once outside the office though he felt a little bad. He didn't want to leave without Amanda, what if she needed him there? It was so typical of him to get himself thrown out when the team needed him the most. He'd stopped right by Fin's desk and he when he didn't see Amanda at hers he looked down the corridors to the bunks.

"Now," he heard Liv repeat behind him, she didn't care who heard her since everyone in there already had heard Nick shouting at his supervisors.

"Go, I got her," Fin told him as he'd known what Nick had been thinking. Nick gave him a thankful nod and then headed back outside.

Liv turned back to Murphy closing the office door slightly behind her.  
"I'm so sorry about that," she said walking back to the desk, "I've never…" Murphy held up his hand as he didn't want her to have to apologize for her detective.  
"Don't worry about it. It's been a stressful night. He was worried about his partner, he had a point," Murphy said making Liv's mind race even faster. _A point about what? Putting their squad at danger or about that really strange remark about Amanda on her knees? She had no idea what that was about._

"Speaking of, we should take Amanda's statement so her stressful night can be over as well," Murphy said.  
"I'll get her," Liv said heading back out. She looked over at Amanda's desk.

"Where's Rollins?" she asked Fin. Fin leaned back in his chair, exhaustion visible on his face and whole demeanor.  
"She said she needed the bathroom when we first walked it but… maybe she decided to change into her own clothes?"

He wasn't really sure, she'd been gone for a while now. Liv gave him a nod and walked down towards the bunks. She knocked softly on the door before she entered the bunks but didn't find Amanda in there. She walked further down, she could hear water running through the slightly ajar bathroom door before she got there. Sliding the door open slowly her eyes narrowed with concern as she spotted Amanda over by the washbowl. She was still dressed in her UC outfit, she even had the giant jacket on that someone had handed her on the scene. The sleeves were pulled up though and her bracelet was put down by one side as her left hand was underneath water that looked so hot it even steamed a little.

Amanda didn't take notice of her at first, she was completely absorbed by her task at hand. She was rubbing her left palm in a very intense matter. Liv's concern came from the repetitive and frantic manner she was rubbing her hand, Liv had seen that manner repeatedly over her years as a SVU detective.

Amanda gasped a little once she realized she wasn't alone and she hurried to turn the water off. Liv looked her over a bit. Her left hand was still down in the washbowl, finger's extended and palm facing Liv. The palm was red, close to soar.

"Everything okay?" Liv asked latching on to Amanda's eyes. She nodded, something repetitive and somewhat frantic over that gesture too.  
"Do you… do you want my statement now?" Amanda said as Liv grabbed a few paper towels from the dispenser on the wall and walked over to her.  
"Yeah," Liv said with barely a whisper.

She watched both Amanda's fleeing eyes and that hand that seemed to almost vibrate by the tense state it was in. Her intent had been to hand the towels to Amanda but now she instead reached down to grab her hand and brought it up between them. Even under Liv's touch the hand couldn't relax and Amanda pulled it, along with the paper towels, towards herself.

"What's going on Amanda?" Liv asked but Amanda folded her eyes down and started to rub her hands on the paper towels. Her hand seemed to have gained flexibility again and she kneaded her hands a bit too long around the towels.  
"What do you mean?" Amanda asked trying to act careless.

"You seem a bit offbeat," Liv tried not sure how to explain her strange behavior.  
"I had a gun against my head," Amanda said and let out an odd chuckle.

Liv smiled back though not wanting to judge Amanda. She did have a gun against her head, Liv had been in her shoes, it wasn't the most thrilling experience. It got awkward quickly and Amanda, who'd kept her eyes down, gave Liv a look and a smile before walking out a head. Liv was stuck for a second, throwing long looks after Amanda. She could feel something was wrong but she was questioning her intuition. _Maybe it was just the bad bond she had with her detective? Maybe that's what was causing trouble here?_

Liv snapped out of her thoughts, grabbed the bracelet that Amanda had left behind and hurried after her. She was already halfway down the corridor. Fin made Liv catch up to her though as he turned and caught his partner's attention.

"You doin' okay boo?" he asked and made her stop. Liv saw her nod her head, her blonde locks bouncing around.  
"Let me know when you're ready to head out of here, I'll take you home," he said as Liv walked up to them.  
"We're just going to take her statement and then you can take her," Liv said stopping by Amanda's side.  
"Ready?" Murphy asked popping his head out of his office. Amanda nodded and headed in there. Liv followed.

"Have a seat," Murphy said gesturing to one of his visitor's chairs. Amanda had a seat in the one furthest away so Liv took the other one, pulling it slightly away from Amanda's so she would get a better look at her. Murphy sat down behind his desk.

"Okay so just let us go through what happen tonight," Murphy started, "The bust got bigger than expected so we can be sure we'll get eyes on us. I want your truth though, don't hold back. Okay?" Amanda nodded and Murphy leaned back in his chair. Liv was taking notes and had grabbed her pen and pad.

"From when Celine made contact?" Amanda asked to make sure what Murphy wanted. He nodded.  
"Okay," Amanda said quietly straightening up a little on her chair and shoved her hands down into her jacket's pockets.

"So I noticed her when I got back down, she was at the bar and she smiled at me," Amanda started and quickly got through the encounter with Celine. They had all of it on screen and most of it on tape so it was easy to go through. The frisk down had taken place off screen so she shared that and then getting in to the car and getting introduced to Dorian. Everything went smoothly until they reached the part where her wire went dead. It was a bit strange that they lost ears just as Dorian was asking her rather difficult questions. Liv understood how awkward that situation must have been for Amanda but when she said she thought she was still transmitting, that she'd just lost the grip on the transceiver button, Liv found it a bit suspicious. Amanda started stirring a bit too. Liv shot Murphy a look but he was just his casual self, leaning back in his chair listening to Amanda and keeping his eyes right at her. Liv turned her attention back to Amanda who'd not met either Liv's or Murphy's eyes for a while now. Liv noticed, even though the hand was still pushed down her pocket, that she was rubbing it against her thigh repeatedly.

"What did you answer him?" Liv interrupted when Amanda jumped over several minutes in her statement. Amanda looked up a little bothered.  
"Since we didn't hear your answer, what did you say and what else did he ask you?"

"I… well I…" Amanda stammered a bit. Murphy suddenly sat up in his chair.  
"We can just put down he asked about your experience right?" Murphy suggested and Amanda hurried to nod.  
"I mean we get that it was a delicate situation, even lying about things like that can be awkward to admit to," Murphy said turning to Liv.

"But there's several minutes missing…" Liv tried sensing something was not right here. Even if it wasn't important for the statement she felt it was important for Amanda to tell. Murphy looked over at Amanda who again stirred a bit on her chair.

"It's like you said, he asked a lot of questions," Amanda said quietly. Her eyes went blank for a second but then they flickered rapidly a few times before she looked back up.

"Like a job interview, it was just a job interview," Amanda said looking at Liv. For some reason Liv felt like she tried to sell the answer to her.  
"What kind of questions did…" Liv started but Murphy interrupted her.  
"Let's just leave that," he said leaning back in his chair as he turned his eyes towards Amanda, "Go on."

Amanda's eyes flickered nervously passed Liv but then she continued with how they exited the car and went inside. They had this on tape too so Liv didn't have to take many notes, instead she watched Amanda's demeanor. She was starting to get tired, which Liv didn't hold against her, but even tired the rest of her statement was consistent. She told it straight up and down, no hesitations and no nervous eyes flickering. Once the alarm had gone off and Dorian had pointed the gun to her head asking her if she was a cop she'd kept denying it since it felt as he might just blow her head out right there and then if she said yes. He'd dragged her along, she hadn't struggled a lot, just slightly once they were heading up and out through the roof. She'd pretended she was afraid of heights. Celine had tried to get Dorian to leave her behind but Dorian said she was his insurance, he'd never said it but Amanda felt as though he'd made her for a cop even though she'd denied it. Celine wrapped tape around her hands and then Dorian and this other guy had more or less lifted her up there.

The other guy had taken off once they reached the roof, he thought he heard a helicopter and Dorian had shouted some insult after him. Dorian, Celine and herself made their way over a few roof tops. Amanda felt as though they had an escape route but then the door they tried had been locked and both Dorian and Celine had gone mental for a few seconds. Amanda had yelled cop and made Celine fire her gun at a shadow. It had been a smart move since it alerted her squad which way to go. The arrival of the helicopter spooked them and they took cover their separate ways. And then the squad had arrived, Celine gave up and the rest of the story was easily wrapped up.

Liv had noticed that whenever Amanda needed to rub her face to stay awake she used only her right hand, her left was left stuck down the deep pocket the whole time. Liv didn't find it strange that Amanda sounded a bit callous as she talked about having the gun pointed at her head, it was a perfectly normal reaction. Had she been sobbing and shaking during that part it had also been a perfectly normal reaction, but perhaps not for Amanda. Liv had seen tears in her eyes on many occasions but whenever one leaked she got very apprehensive and mostly fled the scene.

Liv wished she saw some of those tears in her eyes now though, it would've made it easier to push a little. Murphy wasn't helping and he didn't give Liv a chance to follow up on some things as he wrapped things up by getting up out of his chair.

"Okay, get yourself home, get lots of sleep and come in tomorrow when you feel ready to, you deserve a sleep in," Murphy said escorting her over to the door. Fin got up out of his chair as soon as he heard the door open and Liv watched the two of them head over towards the exit.

"What?" Murphy asked once he headed back to his desk and saw the look on Liv's face.  
"Shouldn't she talk to someone? Stay home for a couple of days or something?"

"Your other detective blamed me for not knowing her but I think I know her well enough to know work would only do her good but yes she will see someone but we'll deal with that tomorrow," Murphy said starting to go through some papers on his desk in search of something. When he found the paper he was looking for though it didn't catch his attention as much as the look Liv was giving him.

The question was written on his eyebrows as they raised and Liv shifted feet with a big sigh.

"I don't trust her," she admitted. Murphy's intense stare eased up a bit as he had a seat and Liv sat down too.  
"I know I have trust issues but we, me and Rollins, have never been… well that close, and your little undercover operation didn't help. I let her know I don't trust her and I still don't feel as though she can be trusted."

It was a little hard for Liv to admit this, she did feel a little bad. She didn't necessarily think she'd been wrong, she had a right to question Amanda's actions but perhaps she'd been just a little harsh. Amanda's teary eyes at that moment, Liv had felt as though she'd kicked a dog that was already down and that wasn't the boss she wanted to be. It was definitely not the person she wanted to be. William Lewis would not make her become that person.

Murphy had kept looking at her and she cleared her throat even though she really wasn't sure what else to say. She wouldn't have to say anything though as Murphy spoke.

"And her trust in you?" he said a bit cryptic. Liv's eyes narrowed a bit.

"Trust is usually a two way street sergeant. If you don't trust her then perhaps she doesn't trust you either," Murphy put it out there, "Maybe she withheld something tonight because she doesn't feel as though she can trust you?"

"Or you," Liv said a bit defensibly and immediately regretted it.  
"Maybe," Murphy just said simply though and kept gnawing at the earpiece of his glasses. He took a deep breath and sat up in his chair.

"How about you talk to her in the morning? Call her in, sit down with her, go through the statement one last time, see if she got something more to say. And then you decide who she needs to talk to." Murphy got up out of his chair.

"So you'll let me decide her punishment, cause we both know that's how she'll take it," Liv said a bit wryly.  
"We both know better though don't we?" he said grabbing his jacket and carrier of the coat hanger by the door.

"Tonight was a good bust sergeant. God job, now go home," he said shooting her one last look before he stepped out.

* * *

_ps. just so you know the night isn't really over yet..._


	7. Chapter 7

Again, just overwhelmed by your reviews. I can't thank you enough. Literally lights up my day to read them. And a tmblr mention - thank you so much wonderwall :)

I tried to push this chapter but I just couldn't make the Tuesday deadline, sorry. It's a bit of a filler chapter. Major fluff warning. I tried to work in some Amaro speaking Spanish which was rather hard since I have about as good a ear for language as Amanda says she has later on in this chapter.  
I guess the only non-fluff is the Liv/Amanda talk which I struggled some with, I hope I got it to come out somewhat believable in the end. It was hard getting both views across but I hope I managed to do that.  
The beginning of this chapter has some smut warnings, loving smut but still smut so get pillows or whatever ready to cover your face with. And then a lot of fluff as mentioned and as for the next chapter... get ready for angst. Lot of angst. You'll get a hint at the end of this chapter who sets of the angst.

Enjoy!

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**Chapter 7**

* * *

Fin had dropped her off at home sensing how tired she was. He made sure she was okay before she headed upstairs. She really had felt like she couldn't get to her bed soon enough. She had to take a shower before she headed to bed though and the warm rays had been heavenly against her stiff neck. Trying to keep yourself completely still with a gun against your head really took a toll on your neck muscles. The warm rays helped eased that and also drove her right to bed afterwards.

Once in bed though she kept jolting back to life a few seconds after she'd drifted to sleep. The jolts made her neck feel worse again and after about an hour of this jolting back and forth from sleep she felt close to tears. She tried to keep her thoughts away from everything that had happen tonight, she didn't want to think about it because she knew it would not help her get to sleep. She got up instead, got in front of the TV and tried to find a comfortable spot on the couch. After a while she found herself up and pacing her apartment restlessly. Once she hit skin on her right ring finger she realized this wasn't going to work.

Nick had been angry the entire ride home but he'd also felt a bit stupid for losing his face like that in front of not only Murphy but also Liv. He didn't regret speaking up but he wished he'd done it in another manner. He'd contemplated calling her up but knew she would probably have to leave statements and she might not even have her own phone nearby. He headed straight to bed instead and found himself falling asleep quicker than expected.

Just a few hours later though something woke him up and he sat up still a bit dazed listening for the sound he thought he heard. There was a low but steady pounding coming from somewhere and he got his tee on to explore it further. Once his daze shattered more he realized the sound was coming from his door and he was a bit stunned but mostly thrilled to see Amanda outside his door.

She looked tired though, her eyes a bit murky in a way he started to recognize now from all their late nights together. She was dressed in her jogging gear though but looking closer he could tell she hadn't been out for a long run, he liked to think she'd run straight from her door to his. Not that he liked that she was outside on her own at this late hour but he was still glad to see her. Before he had time to say or ask her anything her lips had crashed down over his.

Getting pushed back against the wall he recognized the desperation as well. He had no problem welcoming her lips, her tongue, and the eagerness in her hands roaming around, quickly finding their way up underneath his shirt, was a delight. Something in the back of his head though really wanted her to be able to just talk things like this out, to be able to put words instead of actions into her fears and anguish.

He let her remove his shirt but then tried slowing her down, he had found ways to do it to not make her think she was being rejected. He closed his mouth just slightly, forcing her tongue to make smaller laps and then he could capture it by inhaling and sucking on to it before he brought it back inside her mouth to claim possession and control. He would grab a hold of her hands, entwine his fingers with hers and decide what destination they both would have. Tonight though he had a hard time latching on to one of her hands, it felt rigid and she kept yanking it away whenever he tried to trap it. He got a hold of one of her hands at least and snaked it along with his own in behind her back forcing her slowly backwards a bit.

Having her like that, somewhat contained, he could start to take control of the whole situation. He knew his tongue behind her ear, nibbling on that vein going down her neck, forcing his thigh in-between her legs to put pressure on her core would get her to more or less melt in his arms. He didn't want to prohibit her outlet – he found it very hard to even imagine ever turning down sex with her – but he wanted to make sure she was really okay before they took this any further. She could use him all she wanted but he needed to make sure she wasn't doing something destructive to herself.

Getting out from the wall he managed to get a little room to lean back and get a look on her face. Her eyes were locked on his lips though and she kept trying to get back to them. He let her have small tastes but she clearly wanted more right now. He had one free hand and he used it to run his fingers carefully over the tape holding the small gash in the hairline by her forehead.

"You okay?" he whispered against her lips. He felt her nod. She was eager but she still wasn't using her left hand to get inside his pants which was a bit strange.

"Hey," he whispered separating himself from her and calling for her full attention, "I need to know you're okay."

"I'm okay," she said sounding a bit annoyed as she tried to push him up against the wall again.

"You had a gun pointed at your head," he said running his hand down the side of her face.

"Don't I know it, now less talk more action," she said putting on a mischievous smile and he felt her rub up against him.

When he didn't move she made the move for him and he felt himself get pushed back against the wall again. He still had her hand in a good grip behind her back though and that made it possible for him to separate from her just a little. She made a displeased sound that fitted the face she made and he couldn't help but smile. She sounded like his daughter when he refused her ice-cream but that's not why he smiled. The smile came from the fact he'd never had a girl pleading like that to have sex with him, he couldn't lie, it made him feel great. It boosted his ego and made him feel really great. After tonight's stressful events he really needed it. Question was what Amanda needed tonight.

"How are you feeling?" he asked and her face turned sour.

"I'm feeling like I'm getting screwed when all I want is get screwed," she said sounding irritated. He chuckled slightly.

"Okay," he said deciding to give in but he wanted something in return, "I promise to drive you hard, to touch you in all the right places and to make you come over and over again…" He had to stop and take a second to smile at the way her face lit up by his words.

"I just have one request…" he made sure he had her attention before he continued, "I want you to stay the night. To stay and have breakfast with me in the morning. Can you do that?"

"If you shut up and put your words to action…" she dared him.

"Oh you want action now do you…"

"Aha," she said with a face that looked as eager as a dog's by a dining table. His body quickly filled with both amusement and arousal, a delightful mix that made him let go of her hand so he could get his hands on the hem of her running jacket. She raised her hands so he could get both the jacket and tee off in one swift move. She wasn't wearing anything underneath and his hand immediately went to one of her bare breasts as the other one snaked around her body so he could bring her in close. His lips quickly found her neck and the shivering exhale she let out sent jolts down to his crotch as her warm breathe wrapped around his shoulder.

He teased her nipple with his fingers and she retaliated by biting down into his shoulder. She bit so hard he had to let her neck go to groan slightly. He could feel her smile against his shoulder with her teeth still planted deep into his skin. He knew what this meant, how she wanted tonight to play out but he would only go to the point that felt good for him. If she needed a good fuck tonight to erase what had gone down earlier he would give it to her but he would make sure no harm would come to her. No harm could ever come to her.

He pushed himself off the wall and her teeth were forced to let go as her back crashed into the opposite wall. He bent down slightly to be able to push her head back up against the wall with his mouth on her throat. He forced one of her arms up against the wall with a grip right above her elbow while his other hand found its way down between her legs. He could feel every part of her through her thin running leggings, he could feel her warmth and the slight dampness. He worked his way down her body with his mouth. Visited both nipples with his tongue and teeth as her nails clawed his scalp, planted kisses down to her bellybutton, continued down and showed no mercy as he latched on to her core throw the thin fabric. Her whole body shivered but he came back up quickly wanting to move this to the bedroom as soon as possible.

She was quick to get her legs up and wrapped around his hips as he grabbed a hold of her ass at the same time as their mouths found each other again. He let her have all the access to his mouth as she wanted as he started the short but bumpy ride to the bedroom. He managed to run in to every object on the way not because his sight were blocked by her face attached to his but because his mind was totally blank by the intoxicating arousal running through his entire body right now.

Her hands were mostly clawing his scalp and back but one hand found its way down between their bodies when she thought the ride to the bedroom took too long. She got inside his boxers and her firm but gentle tug at his erection almost made his legs buckle. He landed her back against the nearest wall to get his balance back and their eyes met briefly. He could see arousal on her face too but there was something else as well. Something in her eyes that scared him a little and he took a deep breath to gain a little focus as he let his hand swipe down the side of her face.

"What's wrong?" he whispered but she quickly shook her head. He knew though that when her answer came that quick it was just to deflect. Her hand had come up out of his boxers and was now resting on his stomach. He could feel her fingers playing slightly with the little body hair he had.

"Tell me what's wrong?" he asked again placing a soft kiss at the corner of her mouth.

"I just really need you to fuck me right now," she answered folding her eyes down to his chest.

"Why?" he asked and her eyes came up briefly. She looked perplexed by the question.

"Why?" he asked again to urge an answer. She'd hid her eyes from him again but she swallowed hard as tough she was about to answer him.

"Cause I need tonight to go away," she answered quietly. He wanted to know more. What it was exactly about tonight that she wanted to go away, what it was that was different than any other operations they'd pulled. But then again he didn't know, perhaps this was how she'd 'fixed' herself after all the others too? The last thing he wanted was to scare her away right now. If this was what she needed him for tonight he would give it to her.

"What if…" he started and continued only when he had her eyes, "we make love instead?"

There was still sadness on her face as she shook her head.

"No?" he tried and gave her a soft smile.

"I need you to fuck me," she said trying to smile back at him.

"Okay," he said taking a second to let his eyes swipe over every little detail in that gorgeous face of hers before they came back to meet hers, "For tonight I'll let you pretend that's what it is but for me it's always about making love to you."

He didn't give her a chance to reflect on his words or to be exposed by that intense stare of his that he knew rattled her but gently just claimed her lips with his own and he brought his hands down underneath her butt cheeks so he could hold her up once he took her off the wall. Not that he didn't like her claws but right now he liked how softly her hands swept over his hair and down around his neck to grab a firm hold as she pressed herself up against him.

Taking it slower he managed to find the way inside his bedroom without bumping in to anything else and he brought her down on the bed without letting her mouth go. He wouldn't challenge her about it later but there was no denying that what happen next couldn't be described with any other words than making love, and in its purest form. For a long time their tongues just caressed each other while soft hands went up and down each other's bodies. He was the one that removed his own boxers when he felt the time was right and she raised her hips slightly when he removed her leggings along with her panties. He swept his hands up the outside of her legs as he climbed back up over her and he placed soft kisses starting from her stomach and all the way back up to her mouth. Their tongues played around each other again for a while as he just enjoyed feeling all of her underneath him. This was what _he_ had needed after tonight. To feel her in his arms, in one piece and safe from the rest of the world.

She spread her legs a little further and raised her knees slightly to give him better access once his hand came down to caress the inside of her thigh. As usual his touch down there made her core tingle and she just had to start to move her hips up against his. She felt it when his hand was removed and instead grabbed a hold of his own erected cock. She inhaled deeply as she felt his tip right by her opening and he let her mouth go to give her room to breathe but also as he wanted to be able to lock eyes with her. He guided himself inside of her and he managed to hold on to her eyes. He could tell she really made an effort to stay there with him as her eyes wanted to roll back inside her head but she fought to keep them there locked with his. His cock was erected enough to manage on its own as soon as it found its way inside and his hand came up to grab a hold of hers above her head. He caught the other one as well and their fingers entwined as he held them down on the bed.

Once he got all the way to the root he made a little thrust to get just a little further inside and it made her gasp slightly. He lowered himself down, closing his eyes on the way and caught her mouth before he slowly pulled out of her so he could just as slowly move back in again. He got into a very slow but steady rhythm, moving in and out of her, their tongues kept at it and their fingers stayed entwined. He savored every minute of it. She was very patient, didn't spur him on and let him set the pace. When he came back up to have a look at her he loved what he saw, her flushed cheeks, swollen lips and those bright blue eyes now with a coat of sensuality that made them look hypnotized. He knew what he wanted to say to her. He wanted her to know how much he loved her but as usual he was afraid to ruin the moment and instead he hoped his eyes talked for him. Instinctively he'd picked up a little speed and it was her moan that made him aware of it. He let her hands go and let his fingers entwine with her blonde locks instead. He loved running her soft strands through his fingers but it also made him able to help her buck against his thrusts.

Her hands found their way down his body, down his ribcage and then back over his muscular back. Her nails left soft red lines as they made their way up and down his back. Both their breaths had started picking up but now he had to let small grunts escape his throat every time he pushed himself back inside of her with a little more force behind it. He could tell he was much further along than she was but since he knew he would come true on his word, that he would make her come many times tonight, he let nature have its course and didn't hold it in. This meant he didn't have to thrust himself inside of her too hard and then with one last look at her face he came in small, eruptive waves. He relaxed above her when he was completely empty and placed small kisses down her neck as he felt and listen to her come down from her heavy breathing. He usually liked feeling himself soften inside of her but now he started to work his way down her body with his mouth and hands before she was able to relax. He'd made a promise and he was a man of his word.

**Two hours after** she'd woken him up by knocking on his door he rolled off her panting hard and she fell down on her stomach next to him panting just as hard. They might have made love that first round but what had occurred next, and after that and after that, was nothing put pure, raw sex. Her already scraped knees were stinging a little from this last round but it didn't take anything away from the pure bliss she felt inside coming down from the latest orgasm he'd given her.

Nick had a silly grin over his entire face as he tried to catch his breath. He could still feel her on his skin and around his cock. He reached down and touched himself which only made his grin wider. He felt so blessed to have her in his life and to have love back in his life again. He turned his head and looked at her form next to him. He wished he could see her face but it was hidden underneath a mane of damp blonde locks. What he did see was not bad though. Her perfect back, those shoulder blades, their distinct form with every exhale, the inward curve of her lower back, her gorgeous ass.

He rolled over towards her and placed a kiss on her closest shoulder as his hand swiped up her back.

Underneath her hair Amanda smiled. It was just so typical of him to sneak back in once they were done. He and his intimacy. She just didn't see the point of it but then again she didn't mind his touch. His hands were always so gentle afterwards, something warm and protective about his touch and she was rather amazed that he could transmit such admiration just trough the palm of his hand. She wasn't sure she'd ever come across that before.

He snuck in close to her tussled hair, enjoying the dampness against his face.

"So did I deliver tonight?" he asked cheekily. He was still smiling but it got wider again with her answer.

"Oh you delivered alright," came her husky reply. He placed another kiss on her shoulder and then kissed his way down her arm before he put down his head next to her hand. His hand started to draw familiar circles on her back and he felt her relax underneath his touch. He enjoyed the moment and got thinking about what she'd told him a while back.

"Who does this remind you off?" he asked.

"Huh?" she asked drowsily. He kept moving his hand over her back but crept in closer.

"You told me that this reminded you of someone. I'm just curious on who…" he felt a bit bashful but still in need to know, "Would you mind telling me?"

He placed another soft kiss on her shoulder. He just watched her back move up and down for a while. He started to wish he'd kept his curiosity to himself but it was too late, it was out there and all he could do was watch the back of her head. But then she suddenly turned her head over and he helped her dig out her face from underneath her hair. She kept her eyes hidden from him for a while but he was in no hurry. He brought his hand back down to her back but let it just rest between her shoulder blades. His patient paid off as she finally looked at him. He wasn't sure what he saw in her eyes, he could tell she wasn't her secure self though.

"You don't have to tell me," he whispered not wanting to put pressure on her. He also wasn't sure he wanted to hear her talk about an ex-lover.

"I want to," she said and sounded more sure than she looked.

"I really… well I didn't, or I…"

The fact that she was stammering told him this wasn't easy for her. She took a deep breath and then leaned up to fetch his lips with her own. He never would refuse getting kissed by her but he got a little worried she would keep going and try and steer him away from the subject. But she just tasted his lips a little, he felt almost as though she used him to fuel courage and he didn't mind to be at service at all. She laid her head back down exhaling harsh.

"My mom," she said keeping her eyes hidden from him, "she was the one who used to draw circles on my back." She took a pause and he could tell the memory made her sad.

"We didn't really… get along I guess. Not now, not then," she tried a smile but it failed to lit up her face as it usually did, "When she came to interrupt us at nights sometimes, me and Kim that is, I used to read to Kim before lights out, like even before I knew how to read but I remembered it from when our dad used to read to us. She had some rare moments when she felt like playing mom for a while. And she always wanted to lie down between us and I always rolled away from her but at times I let her… like put her hand on my back and then she would always draw circles. And then when I wasn't feeling well, if I was sick in bed or she took pity on me for some other reason I still rolled away but she'd still manage to make me feel a little better by drawing those circles. I guess it calmed me down… somehow."

She made a face at him, tried to lighten the air a little.

"Thanks for telling me that," he whispered.

"You're welcome?" she said rolling her eyes a bit.

"But you don't mind me doing it?" he asked to make sure. He'd never felt any aversion from her but she was still a mystery at times so he wanted to make sure.

"No I don't mind," she whispered back and there was no doubt in her voice. He managed to hold on to her eyes for a bit as his fingers swept circles right underneath one of her shoulder blades. And just as usual his stare got too much for her after a while and she crept up in his arms. She didn't start anything though, just stayed in his arms as they both slowly drifted off to sleep.

**When he woke up** they had shifted slightly on the bed but she was still in his arms. He remembered having been woken by her stirring during the night. She'd been agitated in her sleep but he'd calmed her down by whispering her name and once he'd put his arms tighter around her she'd gone back to a peaceful sleep and he'd followed her there shortly after. He tried staying completely still for a while wanting to just look at her as she slept on his arm. He could feel her hand resting against his stomach underneath the sheet and her foot was snaked in underneath his opposite calf.

As though she could feel his stare even in her sleep she started stirring after a while though and soon her eyes flickered open. She was usually not a morning person right off the bat but this morning he caught her smile once their eyes met.

"Morning," he whispered as her eyes went shut again but the smile lingered.

"Morning," came her hoarse reply as she stretched a little by his side. Once she'd relaxed back down beside him his hand started to go up and down her arm a bit.

"Sleep okay?" he asked wanting to see if she remembered anything of whatever it was that had interrupted her sleep during the night. She nodded against his arm though and he didn't probe.

"You?" she asked still keeping her eyes closed.

"The best," he answered letting his hand go up to her face so he could caress it. Her eyes peeked up a little and he loved that little reinforcement to her smile when her eyes caught his. She still looked a bit tired though.

"You want to try and get some more sleep?" he asked with concern in his voice. She took a deep breath.

"What time is it?" she asked and he got his head up a little from the pillow so he could see the clock on the bed stand. Usually he always checked the time whenever he woke up but this morning it had been secondary to looking at her.

"Close to ten," he said relaxing back down on the pillow catching only her eyelids again.

"Oh," she moaned a bit and then continued talking during a yawn, "why does it feel like I've only slept an hour. When did we get to sleep?"

"It was past two at least," he let her know. Even though she'd closed her eyes she could hear the smile on his face.

"You've got bad influence on me," she whispered smiling too.

"I got? On you?" he said trying to sound offended, "I don't think so."

He grabbed a hold of her side at the spot he knew she was ticklish at and he loved the girlish little giggle she let out while trying to shy away from his touch.

"Where do you think you're going," he teased grabbing on to her as she tried to roll away from him. It was easy to snatch her once he just stopped tickling her and he rolled back down on his back with her in his arms again.

"You know you should be nice to me," she said making her voice sound frailer than usual, "I had a gun against my head you know."

He knew she was just kidding, using something that any other person would need serious counseling for but that she just shrugged off, but the image still haunted him. He felt her hand on his chest calling for his attention and he shifted his eyes down towards her again.

She'd seen his face go pale but she wasn't sure what to say. She had no problem talking to victims but this was different, this was personal and so much harder. She moved her hand a little over his chest and gained his eye contact. His face immediately lit up.

"I'm so happy you're okay," he said quietly touching her face. Again she wasn't sure what to say and just made a face that resemblance a smile.

"You hungry?" he asked sensing her discomfort. It looked as though she tried to check in with her own body to find the answer and then looked back up with him with a surprised face.

"Oddly enough not so much," she answered and he chuckled. That was odd, she was usually always hungry.

"I feel like a shower," she said pulling away from him. He missed her immediately and grabbed a hold of her wrist before she could completely get away from him. She turned back towards him with a curious look.

"I kinda feel like a shower too, can I join you?" he asked raising his eyebrows.

"Sure," she answered once her eyes had quickly gone down and up his body. He hadn't missed her visual check and he felt aroused by it. He let her go so he could give her the same checkup once she got on her feet. Once that was done though he hurried after her.

**A long shower later**, that consisted of more than just soaping each other up, Amanda was sitting at his table while he was over by the stove making scrambled eggs for them. While starting breakfast together they'd somehow got onto the subject of his past and he'd liked the fact she'd seemed to take interest in knowing more about him. Not that she didn't pay attention at work or listen to him otherwise but this felt very much like a conversation a boyfriend and girlfriend had.

He'd told her how his mother ended up in the States, how the independence she'd grown after coming here had finally giving her the courage to kick his father out after years of abuse. Amanda had seemed particularly interested in the abuse part and quizzed a bit without getting too pushy. He wasn't sure if it was the detective in her that wanted to know more or if it was a personal kinship that made her interested. She never talked much about her own parents but Kim had mention at least one abusive boyfriend that their mother had and whom Amanda, at age ten, had threaten with a BB gun, or perhaps it was a squirrel gun.

Whatever reason though he didn't mind telling her even though he still felt ashamed about not sticking up to his father when he hurt his mother. His guilt must have shined through cause Amanda said;

"You were five years old Nick, it wasn't your job to protect your mother. From the sound of it I think it was you more than the wonderful land of US of A that actually made her finally kick the bastard out though."

Nick shot her a grateful smile from his place at the stove.

"Yeah, I guess," he said walking over with a plate of freshly made scrambled eggs, "but I still wish I'd said something, at some point, just at least tried."

Amanda's interest had turned towards the eggs for a moment but she hadn't stopped listening to him. Once she'd shoveled some eggs onto her own plate Nick put some over the toast she'd prepared for him. Once he looked back up at her she had her fork against her lip while chewing on some eggs. She had a grin on her face and her eyes were giving him a probing look.

"What?" he asked and her smile got even wider. But then she shook her head and looked down at her plate. For a moment he got lost in looking down the gap of his rob that she was wearing, it was too big for her and it gave her quite a cleavage but her voice got his attention back to her eyes.

"You think that's why today you have a bit of a knight syndrome when it comes to damsels in distress?" she asked a bit carefully. He gave her an amused look.

"So you think I have a syndrome?" he said. She felt relieved she couldn't hear even a shimmer of resentment in his voice, she'd been a little afraid she would tick him off by bringing her suspicion up.

"Maybe just a little one," she smiled. She felt his hand come up on her knee underneath the table and she chuckled as it went up a little on her thigh and squeezed. He let her go though and took a bite of his sandwich while he thought about what she'd said.

"I think you might be right," he admitted once he reached for his juice, "I can't just stand by and see that happen again."

"Understandable," she said with a mouth full of eggs, "Your mom never remarried?"

"No, I've never even seen her date. She used to say I was the only man she needed in her life. I kind of wish, still actually, she'd find someone though. She deserves to be loved and treated like a lady."

"What about that pastor you talked about? The one that took you underneath his wings when you first got here?" she asked.

"Father Ortega? No it was never like that," Nick said thinking about the man he'd admired for so many years and did to the day of his death, "He was a really good man though. The closest I've ever been to an actual father actually. My mom wanted me to have a man to be able to talk to and look up to so I spent a lot of time at the church or around his house."

Nick suddenly laughed out loud.

"What?" Amanda quizzed nosily.

"I was just…" he said trailing off as he had to laugh again, "he was actually the one who gave me the birds and the bees talk."

"Get out?" Amanda said straightening up on her chair with an eager look on her face, "Spill!"

"It's really sad," Nick laughed.

"Even better, tell me," Amanda said eagerly.

"Okay so I'm not sure how it come about, she must have talked with her Latin golden girls down by the market or something, some of them had older sons. But she acted a bit troubled one day when she came home and I could tell she was anxious about something and we had this really awkward talk at the dinner table where I guess she tried to find out how experienced I was or if I was thinking about girls or something."

"How old where you?" Amanda interrupted.

"13."

"You sure she hadn't caught a Playboy under your mattress or something?"

"No way, I never did that."

"Never?" Amanda asked suspiciously. By 13 she had already had sex with two boys. If you could call it sex though, it was more in and out and the boy had his release while her lower parts were left tingling and longing for something more, something still unexplored.

"Okay, in college maybe but when I was 13 I still thought girls had cooties and all I wanted to do was play basketball and be a minister."

"You wanted to be a minister?" she asked a bit surprised.

"Yeah," he admitted.

"Choir boy," she whispered with a big grin on her face.

"You want to hear this story or not?" he challenged.

"I do, I'm sorry, you're not a choir boy… any longer." He shook his head at her but with a smile and then continued;

"Okay so she'd asked Ortega to talk to me but I had no idea what I walked in to, he was just as nervous as my mom had been though so I knew this was something important. He tried sitting down facing me at first but then he started dragging me around church replacing candles and whatever else could keep him occupied while talking to me. I remember the first thing he said was 'the simple thought of sex crossing your mind is not a sin but the desire for sex is a sin' and he asked me if I understood. I nodded but I really didn't. He said that whenever someone touches you sexually your nerves will store that information in your brain so when you see that person again you will remember the touch, you have imprints of people on your life through intimate relationships and I should never let anyone touch me or touch anyone else in a way that was not holy."

"Your nerves?" Amanda did her best to not laugh out loud but Nick chuckled now while he nodded.

"He knew I played basketball so I think he tried to use that as a reference when he said that my body was my outer court, my soul the holy place and my spirit the holy of holies. I should never let anyone near my outer court unless I wanted to marry that person. Oh and listen, he said I was becoming a man and everywhere I went as a man to have intimate releases my testicles would testify against me."

That was it, Amanda lost it and some egg came flying out her mouth.

"It's the truth, he really said that," he chuckled both by the memory and Amanda's contagious laughter.

"Oh my God, pun intended," she said through laughter.

"Father Ortega was a great man but I don't think sex talks were his forte," Nick said before taking a bite of his toast, "I think he should've stuck to honor your body because telling a 13 year old how demonic activity before marriage would crush his foundation really isn't so educational."

"Well did it work?" she asked once her laughter died down. He gave her a interrogative look.

"Did you wait until you married?"

"You really want me to burst your bubble about me being a choir boy?" he teased.

"You kinda burst that bubble when you fingered me in front of a cabbie," she teased back. He smiled while a slight blush spread over his cheeks.

"So how about your sex talk? Did you get one?" he asked after a slight pause. She made a face that was a little hard to read while she stuffed the last of her eggs in her mouth.

"I don't know if you could call it a sex talk. The day after I got my period my mom walked into me and my sister's room and she tossed a box of Tampax on the bed next to me. Then she tossed a huge, I don't think I've ever seen a big box like that ever again actually, of condoms next to it. She said that if I put anything but the Tampax up between my legs from now on I should make sure to put one of the others on cause there was just no way in hell she would raise no bastard child of mine. She said she was done with raising babies and she'd toss me to the street if I came home pregnant."

Amanda shot him a smile over the rim of her juice glass. He tried to smile back but inside he felt a bit sad.

"I still wouldn't swop with your sex talk though," she said trying to joke it away. He was about to say something when her phone vibrated on the table. She reached for it and her face got a little gloomy as she read the text.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Benson," she said still with a frown on her face, "she wants me to come in to go over my statement again."

She put her phone down with a sigh.

"She wants you to read it before she hands it in maybe?" he suggested but she just shrugged. She wasn't sure that's what it but she didn't feel like explaining it to him.

"Maybe I should head home and make myself ready to go in," Amanda said sounding a bit disappointed, "Don't you have to be in by now by the way?" She turned to look at him but now he shrugged.

"I got the morning off too," he just said not wanting to burden her with his own ordeal. He wasn't even sure if he was welcomed in today but frankly he didn't care right now. He only cared that she was safe and the fact they had breakfast together after a night that had ended on a really good note despite everything.

"Okay," she said with a sigh, "well the eggs were delicious, you're a really good cook."

"Thank you, I will happily do it for you again," he said to make sure she knew she was always welcomed to have breakfast with him. They both got up to get the dishes back into the kitchen. He caught her by the washing bowl before she could head back over for more dishes and he stole a kiss from her. It was only meant as a brief kiss but as usual it got a little more heated as he couldn't stay away from that cleavage he'd looked down into a while ago.

"That's _my_ outer court," she mumbled against his lips as his fingers played over the nipple he'd exposed.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," he said letting her lips go slightly so he could catch her eyes, "but your soul is long lost sister."

"Screw you," she chuckled pretending to slap his chest. She wished she hadn't done that though as his fingers were still around her nipple and he squeezed it hard enough for her to groan. No, she took that back, she didn't regret that, screw her soul, she thought as she caught his lips again.

**She got in her gear** from last night and he hurried up to get ready. He drove her over to her place and, yet again, offered to wait around until she was done so he could drive her in. She, again, said though that it was better she drove in herself. He liked that she leaned in and gave him one last kiss before she stepped out.

"See you later," he said right before she closed the door behind her and caught the smile she shot him before she headed across the street. He waited for her to get inside and then drove in to the station.

Once he got in he caught Fin by his desk and he saw Murphy in his office. Liv was nowhere to be found though.

"You talked to her?" Fin asked silently once they'd exchanged mornings. Nick gave him a nod hanging his jacket over his chair.

"She doing okay?" Fin asked wanting to know as she hadn't picked up once he tried to call her earlier.

"Yeah, she's on her way in," Nick let him know just as Liv came walking from the break room with a cup of coffee in her hand.

"Good morning," she said looking a bit strict at Nick as she passed him on her way in to Murphy's office. Nick gave her a nod and a brief morning. He wasn't backing down, he'd done nothing wrong in his eyes. Fin just shook his head a little as he turned his attention back to his paper work. Sometimes working here really was like being back in fifth grade.

**Amanda stepped in **to the squad room about half an hour later. She exchanged a quick glance with Nick. Even though she smiled at him he could tell she was tense. Fin got her to relax a little though as he shouted out his happiness to see her so the entire room could hear him.

"Hey baby girl, you look smashing without that gun pointed to your head," he said leaning back in his chair as she closed in.

"Well thank you," she said a bit ironically even though she appreciated him trying to put a light spin on last night's ordeal. A uniform came up to her and let her know he'd heard about last night and was relieved she'd made it out alright. It made her feel even better and she thanked him but then immediately straighten up as Liv stepped out of Murphy's office. Liv had nothing but a smile as she greeted Amanda though.

"Get a good night's rest?" Liv inquired a little. Amanda fought the urge to look Nick's way as she nodded.

"That's good, you look rested," Liv said since Amanda still didn't say anything.

"How's the champ?" Murphy said stepping out of his office once he'd been able to get off the phone. Amanda smiled a little awkwardly brushing her hair behind her ear. Nick could tell she felt uncomfortable but couldn't help but find it adorable how she tried to hide her blushing cheeks by lowering her head and peeking up from underneath her bangs. She wasn't fooling anyone but Nick appreciated that no one called her out on it.

"But today's another day right," Murphy said, "Got things to wrap up and new cases waiting around the corner."

He churned his hands a little as his eyes went past Nick's. Nick just stared back blankly at him.

"You two will wrap her statement up right?" Murphy said looking at Liv but gesturing towards Amanda. Liv nodded as her eyes went over to Amanda. Amanda looked if possible even more uncomfortable but nodded too.

"You want to do it right now to get it over with?" Liv asked and Amanda nodded.

"Want to grab some coffee first or something?" Liv asked but Amanda shook her head.

"Okay and men," Murphy said turning towards Nick and Fin, "meanwhile you can go pay Mr Dorian a visit at the hospital. I've been told he's lawyered up already but go see if he has anything to say. We still have a missing woman."

"Okay let's visit this pimp," Fin said getting up out of his chair. He and Fin started moving towards the gate.

Meanwhile Amanda had seemed unwilling to move towards the interview room so Liv put her hand lightly on her back and steered her a little that way.

"You wanna hang your jacket? We're not in that much hurry," Liv said casually.

"Nah, I'm a little cold this morning," Amanda said but felt stupid as it was past lunch already and the sun was at its highest and shining brighter than usual this rather lousy season.

They made their way in there but then Amanda was left standing a few steps in while Liv closed the door behind them. She pulled the blinds on the door which made Amanda feel even more uncomfortable.

"Couch or table?" Liv asked when she turned to find Amanda still standing. Amanda shrugged.

"Let's take the table then," Liv said making the decision for her. She stayed put though to let Amanda chose which side she wanted to sit on. Amanda looked hesitant though, Liv saw her eyes move towards the mirror in to Murphy's office.

"He's not listening in, it's just the two of us," Liv reassured her.

"Whatever," Amanda said trying to sound flippant even though she felt relieved to learn this. She wasn't sure she could trust Liv though, or Murphy. She took a seat with her back to the mirror just so she wouldn't have to stare at it imagining Murphy on the other side. Liv sat down putting the manila file she'd been holding on to on the table in front of her.

"So I just wanted to sit down and go through the statement you gave last night," Liv said getting her transcript out, "see if there are some things we have to change… or add." Liv threw her a look. Amanda wasn't stupid, she knew what she was fishing for. Those missing minutes during the car ride. Amanda really wished now that she'd just come out and told the truth last night. _Why had she acted so immature?_ It was no big deal but it became a big deal now that she'd tried to disguise it. It wasn't a big deal for her, it was over and done with, a shower and a night with Nick solved it for her, she was ready to move on. But Liv would probably read a whole lot in to it if she could get to the truth. Question was if Amanda should try and act as nothing had happen or just come out and say it immediately. But would that make her sergeant lose even more faith in her?

"So let's start from the beginning," Liv said seeing how Amanda kept quiet. She forced Amanda to answer rather trivial questions, hoped it would get her to open up once they got to the sequence Liv wanted to query a little further. Liv felt the resistance though, the guarded tone of Amanda's voice and abrupt ending to each answer she gave.

Amanda kept her hands underneath the table. She knew she had tell-tails, they were involuntary but she could at least try to hide them. She knew she was nervously digging her nails into her left palm right now, she would stop if Liv could see it but since she couldn't there wasn't any harm done.

"And then we lost audio," Liv said having reached the inevitable, "can you tell me again how that came about?"

"I lost hold of the bracelet but I didn't notice until we were getting out," Amanda said focusing on keeping her voice a bit unattached. Liv picked up on the nuance, how Amanda's voice suddenly got a softer tone.

"And just to humor me can we go over again exactly what he asked you during that lapse," Liv said trying to keep her calm demeanor. Amanda looked a little bothered.

"It's not cause I want to humiliate you in any way Amanda, I just think it's important that you tell me what was said," Liv tried to explain in case she was wrong, in case she'd read too much into Amanda's actions last night.

"It was just… a lot of talk about… sex. Preferences," Amanda said. Liv might have bought it if she'd been able to face her but since Amanda kept her eyes down Liv's suspicion still lingered.

"You can tell me," Liv said leaning in over the table a little. Amanda shot her an annoyed look.

"I don't want to sit on the stand talking about it," she said hoping it would get Liv to back off. She should've known better though. Liv tilted her head slightly as she got ready to say something, Amanda had seen her do it many times while interviewing victims. Amanda thought she would feel angry having that head tilt coming her way but it just made her feel anxious and she averted her eyes down again.

"It doesn't have to go in your statement, it can just stay between the two of us," she heard Liv say, "And anything else that might have happen can also stay between the two of us."

Liv hated doing this, to treat her colleague like a victim, but she knew something was wrong. Amanda was keeping something from her, from them, and Liv knew it was important to get her to open up about it. She just wished the two of them were in a different situation, that their relationship wasn't this strained already and their trust in each other disturbed.

Amanda was contemplating her sergeant's words. _It didn't have to go in the statement. Okay so she wouldn't have to sit on the stand and talk about what had happen. It wasn't important to the case so there really wasn't a need to either. Amanda let go of the inside of her lip. But what would her sergeant think of her?_

"He asked you for your preference," Liv tried having seen her detective blank out for a second, "and you told him you really didn't have one." Liv could tell she had her detective's attention again but she still seemed reluctant to talk so Liv filled in the answer for her.

"You did a good job trying to wriggle your way out of it but he was persistent…"

Liv quiet down once Amanda suddenly turned her head outwards. Liv watched the detective swallow hard and her eyelashes flickered a few times.

"Amanda," Liv tried a softer tone, "you're a good detective. A _great_ detective. You tell me what you would think if you walked into someone scrubbing their hand raw like that under steaming hot water. You tell me that wouldn't raise your suspicion."

"It really wasn't a big deal," Amanda said facing Liv, trying to compose herself.

"If it wasn't a big deal then tell me what really happen," Liv said drilling her eyes into Amanda. Liv wasn't at all sure where she had Amanda at this point. Her face looked stern but also ready to crumble at any point. Liv got flashbacks to that ugly scene in her office a few months back. She wanted to handle this situation better.

"I just didn't want to talk about it in front of Murphy," Amanda tried. It wasn't entirely a lie but not exactly the truth either.

"Okay," Liv said. She was listening to Amanda but wasn't really sure what she could believe just yet.

"So now that there's just the two of us…" Liv tried. Amanda's face turned though and the almost frighten look she gave Liv told her Murphy hadn't been the only problem last night.

"Amanda, a while back I know I said I didn't trust you but it came from a place... I felt burden by the responsibility of running the squad and, I guess, a little betrayed that you couldn't come to me sooner," Liv said and took a break to make sure she really had Amanda's attention before she continued, "But I wish I would've handled it differently back then. We need trust, we need to be able to trust each other. I want you to be able to come to me with anything."

She quiet down to give Amanda time to digest her words. She didn't look completely convinced but at least she didn't look frighten any longer.

"Do you think we can work on our trust in each other?" Liv asked fearing the answer a little. Amanda nodded just slightly and it made Liv nod too as she felt a bit relieved.

"So can you tell me what happen?" Liv asked carefully.

"He grabbed my hand," Amanda said quickly, "He grabbed my hand that's why I lost the transceiver."

"Okay," Liv said calmly even though she felt a bit of rush inside caused by the fact she'd been able to reach Amanda.

"He asked me again, what I preferred or what I was good at and I told him, again, that I really had no boundaries. He said he believed me and…"

"And?" Liv urged a little once Amanda blanked out for a while. She'd talked with so many victims over the years and Amanda just struck her as the rip the band-aid off kind of person. Just get it out there, don't do much thinking about it just get it over with.

"He said I had small hands, he made a comment that they didn't look big enough to grip around a big trunk. I think I… I didn't give the best answer," Amanda admitted, "I got a little too… assertive. He seemed to like that though and he put my hand on… him."

"On him?" Liv repeated and Amanda nodded.

"Above his pants?" Liv's question came automatically as the detective in her took over. She didn't want Amanda to feel like she was being cross-examined but it was too late as Amanda's face crumbled a little. She looked very uncomfortable and not like she was in the mood to talk.

"Not just above the pants?" Liv put it out there. Amanda had folded her eyes down but shook her head slightly.

"I didn't offer it to him though," Amanda mumbled.

"I would never think that Amanda," Liv said catching Amanda's blues underneath her bangs.

"And it really wasn't a big deal," Amanda said quickly peeking up at Liv, "It was just briefly, when we stopped, he stopped. I should've just told you, I don't know why I didn't. I guess having that gun against my head rattled me a little after all."

Amanda tried a smile and even though Liv smiled back she didn't buy Amanda's explanation about the gun. Surely she'd tried to hide the truth for different reasons.

"He had no right to do that, whatever you might have said to him. That was not on you," Liv tried reassuring her.

"I know," Amanda said like she knew that already but her entire demeanour held both doubt and shame.

"I mean that Amanda," Liv said so she would really get her sincerity. Amanda shot her a nervous look but then nodded as she looked back down. Liv watched her for a few seconds, contemplating where to go with this new information.

"Amanda I really think we should put what happen in your statement," Liv started but Amanda's eyes came up immediately and she shook her head a bit.

"No? But it wasn't on you Amanda, its important you realize that. He grabbed you, took advantage of you and he should be held accountable for that."

"He's already going down for endangering and taken me hostage and whatever, I'm not going to sit on that stand and say _that_," Amanda said frowning.

Liv didn't like withholding the truth but she did get Amanda's point of view and since this was also about regaining some of the trust between them Liv knew she would have to come true on her word. The likelihood of Dorian cooperating with the police was rather slim so it was highly unlikely he would tell anyone about what happen in the car. Celine was stonewalling too and since she was using Dorian's attorney she wouldn't cause trouble to Amanda's statement either.

"Okay, but I have to tell Murphy though," Liv said catching the brief frown that washed over Amanda's face again. She gave Liv a slight nod though.

"And I want you to talk to someone," Liv said trying to hide the insecurity she felt away from her voice. Amanda's eyes immediately came up to meet Liv's.

"I know it's not to your liking," Liv said before she could get a word in, remembering what Amanda had thrown back in her face a while back, "but I want you to see someone, a therapist yes. Its policy when you have your life threaten like that but my aspiration is that you also talk about what happen in the car so it doesn't manifest in you. It's important you can move past it."

_I would've already if you hadn't kept pushing_, Amanda thought to herself but she wasn't angry at Liv. She mostly just felt a little sad on the inside and still a bit guilty. _Why did she always have to be so damn cocky?_

"You've been to see doctor Olivet in the past right? Can I make arrangements for you two to meet again?" Liv asked expecting a bit of resistance but Amanda just nodded.

"And I want you to know that you can always come to me. You shouldn't have to carry something like that on your own. This was not on you but when, _if_, something would happen… you're allowed to make a mistake Amanda. We all make mistakes," Liv realized she was getting a bit off topic.

"I guess what I'm also trying to say is sorry for being a crummy boss a while back but I hope we can get passed that."

Amanda felt mostly embarrassed. Not only was the truth about last night on the table but now she had to bring up what happen months ago too. It was getting too much and all she really wanted to do was get out of there.

"You weren't…" Amanda tried but couldn't finish and tried again, "I did wrong back then and you had to discipline me, it's your job."

"But there's good and bad ways to do that Amanda, I chose the wrong way to go about that."

"It's really okay," Amanda said just wanting to get off the subject.

"It really is _not_ but I hope that means you'll give me a second chance, that you accept my apology," Liv said. Amanda finally came up all the way to meet her eyes.

"I'm the one that should apologize," Amanda said.

"And you did that, I just didn't listen," Liv answered. Finally she could see Amanda's posture relaxing just slightly.

"I'm sorry I took us off topic but I really felt I had to air that," Liv said once the room again had been quiet for a while. Amanda shot her a brief, somewhat awkward smile but still a smile.

"Thank you for telling me the truth Amanda, and I think that means we can hand this statement in then," Liv said smiling back at her.

**Amanda felt relieved** once she was finally able to step out of that interview room. It had gone okay though, she could imagine several worse ways that could've ended. Everything felt a bit overwhelming though. Some of that stress from last night resurfacing and Liv apologizing in the midst of it all, Amanda wasn't sure were to put all that emotions as she walked out into the squad room. Sitting down at her desk, taking a deep breath though she suddenly felt oddly calm. Not even seeing Liv walk into Murphy's office, shutting the door behind her made her feel rattled. Murphy could think what he wanted, she knew she hadn't offered a sexual favor this time. She was not at fault and she was rather sure at least Liv believed her.

Nick and Fin came back from the hospital a while later. Just as expected Dorian wasn't cooperating but they would build a solid case against him, and Celine. Some of Dorian's girls remembered Kenzi and especially what happen to her after just a few nights at the brothel. A John had roughed her up pretty badly and then she had just vanished. She would pop up in New Jersey a few weeks later, having been shipped off by Dorian as she became a problem for him after the brutal beating she sustained. She was in poor condition when she was picked up by NJPD for solicitation and later drug possession was added to her charges. Even though Liv and Amanda offered her reduced sentencing for her testimony against Dorian she declined. She would sadly become one of those cases when they just couldn't reach the victim.

Coming back from the face-off with Dorian at the hospital though Nick could feel a slight change of atmosphere in the squad room. Amanda felt calmer for some reason and there was just something about Liv's approach to Amanda that seemed… easier. Nick was a little curious of course but relieved by the shift. Now if he could only get rid of Murphy things would be great.

Later that night he made plans with Amanda to have dinner and they sat down at a place near his apartment. He of course tried to quiz her a little about her meeting with Liv but Amanda was vague as usual. He had a chance to look her statement over earlier and from what he could tell nothing seemed off. He figured something must've happen though since the climate between her and Liv had changed.

"So it was just a read through then?" Nick asked once the waiter had brought them their food and they were alone again. Amanda nodded while stuffing food in her mouth.

"And she ordered counseling," Amanda said after washing down the first taste of her food with the beer that stood in front of her.

"What?" she asked once she caught Nick's amused look.

"No," he said picking a little on his plate, "I was just… you're okay with that?" He tried to not smile too much.

"She's our boss Nick," Amanda said a matter of fact, "and I did have a gun against my head, it's policy."

"Okay," he said still smiling.

"What?" she asked again a little bit more annoyed now.

"No, I think it's all good," he said, "I mean I know how you feel about seeing a shrink but I think it's good."

"You would," she grunted, "You probably think I need to get my head screwed on properly."

"It wouldn't hurt," he teased making her smile again.

"Watch it," she threaten but couldn't contain her smile. They ate under silence for a while but Nick was still thinking and contemplating about saying something more. Amanda could sense it and ended up looking at him.

"Please don't take it the wrong way but I was just thinking that I don't think it would be all that bad if you did talk to someone," he chose his words carefully not wanting to anger her. She kept her calm look though as he spoke.

"Not that I in any way mind being your outlet," he gave her a cheeky smile, "but it's good to be able to talk about things as well. I think it's something you might profit from doing a little bit more. Perhaps both of us."

She turned her attention back down to her plate and he studied her a little. He knew he was talking about more than what had happen last night now. And he had a feeling she knew too.

"Okay?" he asked once she'd shuffled some food around her plate for a while.

"Does that mean," she started while looking at him a little sideways, "that all you want to do when I follow you home tonight is talk?"

That cheeky smile spread across his face again. And when he answered 'absolutely not' her smile got just as mischievous.

**It started to become** more a rule than an exception that they hung out together after shift. They had dinner in public, sure away from the station but still in public, they also had dinner at his place a few times as she let him cook for her. They continued to have a lot of sex and he always spent the night at her place once they ended up there and at his place he estimated that she at least half the time stayed the entire night. They went out clubbing with AJ again and this time Nick dared to claim Amanda's hand or her cheek from time to time. They shared another dance but were grown-up enough to contain themselves to grinding until they got home this time around.

Even though he enjoyed every second with her he still longed for that deeper connection. To be able to share his feelings for her. She had an uncanny sense to somehow sniff when he was trying to get there and she managed to avoid it using one of her many deflecting methods. He didn't get why it scared her so much. He could feel her insecurity and it felt as though she was afraid to show him her true self. Which was bollocks because if she wasn't some secret spy he already had a pretty good idea on who she was and he loved her personality, flaws and all.

He reached out in his sleep to find the spot next to him empty. He opened up his eyes to confirm what he'd felt. He rolled over so he could see the bathroom door. It was opened and the light was off. _Where could she be?_ He heard something from the living room and decided to get up to check it out. He grabbed his boxers from the floor and pulled them on before he shuffled out barefoot. He saw the TV light flickering right before he spotted her all propped up on the couch under a blanket and with a cup of tea in front of her on the table. She looked very invested in whatever was on the TV, sitting with her legs up at the front of the couch with her eyes glued to the screen. She didn't even see him coming and it was very hard to sneak up on Amanda Rollins.

"What you doing?" he said making her jump. A small part of him worried she was watching some game that she'd gambled on. The fact she looked very busted once he got her attention and then scrambled to get to the remote made him even more concerned.

"What's going on?" he said rubbing his head a little as he approached the couch. He suddenly wished he'd put more clothes on, this wasn't a conversation he liked to have in his boxers.

"Nothing… I just… couldn't sleep," she said but he didn't believe a word. He sat down next to her putting his hand on her leg as he tried to figure out why she lied. The freeze frame didn't give him much, all he saw was a group of people that looked like they were getting interviewed out on a street. It didn't look like a game but it could be pre-interviews with fans he figured so he still wasn't feeling at all at ease. He studied her and she squirmed a bit under his intense gaze. He couldn't figure her out and it didn't help that she looked darn sexy. She was only wearing a thin, white tank that was so tight he could see her nipples through it. She had that just woken up look with her hair bundled up high on the back of her head, some strands and her bangs finding their way out of the bun and framing her face beautifully. He reached out and swiped a few strands behind her ear and then left his hand on her cheek for a while. He was very concerned.

"What's really going on?" he asked moving in a little closer to her. She looked a bit confused, her eyebrows pinched together.

"I couldn't sleep," she said a bit hesitant, "so I decided to watch some TV."

He really wanted to believe her but it was obvious she was trying to hide something.

"Are you watching a game?" he asked deciding to take the bulls by its horns.

"What? No," she said, her face relaxing a bit.

"You can tell me," he said though still thinking she was lying, "have you gambled?"

Amanda rolled her eyes and sat back with a big sigh.

"No," she said as he just kept looking at her.

"Then what is it?" he said confused.

"I'm just…" she said but she had to bite down on her lip as she felt unable not to smile. She brought her hands up to cover her face as well as her smile. She felt so stupid. Of course he'd thought she was up to some funny business, she was after all trying to hide something from him. She felt his hand on her thigh again, she could feel the concern in his touch. She rubbed her face a little before she put her hands down to face him.

"I'm just catching up on this show I like," she admitted and just shook her head a little.

"What show?" he asked, still confused why she felt the need to hide this from her.

"It's nothing, just this dance show that I kinda like, a bit," she said squeezing the top of his hand a little. He got a slight smile on his face now that some tension left his body.

"A bit?" he questioned, his smile turning a bit sneaky, "if you sneak up in the middle of the night to watch it I think you like it more than a bit."

"Okay, I'm obsessed 'kay?" she said pushing his hand a way a little trying to act insulted but she couldn't stop smiling. He cupped her knee with his hand and watched her. The only light came from the TV screen but he thought he saw her blush. He looked to the screen and then back at her.

"So can I watch it with you?" he asked and chuckled as she looked a bit reluctant.

"I promise I won't ruin it for you," he said still chuckling. She shook her head a bit, it wasn't that she thought he'd ruin it for her though.

"There's hot water in the kitchen, grab a cup," she said as she couldn't deny him to join her on the couch. He smiled and hurried out into her kitchen. She grabbed the remote but waited to hit the play button to be able to see his cute ass disappear into the kitchen.

"So what exactly are we watching?" he shouted from the kitchen.

"So you think you can dance," she shouted back hitting the play button so she could get back to the audition tour.

"It's that Cat Deeley show right," he said coming back out from the kitchen with a steaming cup of tea and the box with donuts they bought earlier that day.

"So you know Cat Deeley?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Well yeah, I've seen her around in magazines and stuff," he said placing his cup on the table next to her cup trying to keep his eyes from meeting hers. He had to face her though as he hoped to share some of her blanket but she wouldn't give it up until he looked at her.

"What?" he asked trying to look innocent.

"You have the hots for her don't you?" she said not letting go of her blanket.

"I'm alive and male, and yes I find her good looking," he said trying to play it down a bit. She sighed with a smile and let go of the blanket so he could have a piece of it as he sat down next to her.

"Okay so fill me in," he said leaning back, placing his hand on her back and rubbing it a bit like he used to do.

"It's auditions, so they're going from state to state watching dancers," she said with her eyes glued to the TV.

"So like Idol?" he said but she didn't answer.

"Is that the jury?" he asked as he saw three people behind a desk facing a big stage.

"They're the judges yes, it's Nigel and Mary and today's guest judge is Christina Applegate."

"Oh, she's hot too," he said and got a rather pissed glance from her.

"What? I happen to like blondes," he grinned at her and dug his fingers in her back a bit. She turned back to the TV. He smiled and kept his eyes on her for a bit. He liked how the light from the TV played in her hair. His eyes went down to her neck and as he leaned forward to see if his tea was cool enough to drink he took a detour there and briefly put his lips down. She more or less pushed him away though which only made him chuckle. She was clearly very invested in this show. He chewed down on a donut as he waited for his tea to cool down. He offered her a donut but she just pushed the box away, she wasn't touching her tea either.

"So the tickets gets you to Vegas?" he asked after a while as he started to catch up. She just nodded.

"Is the choreography in Vegas too?" he asked but this time she sighed.

"No. When you audition they tell you either no, and that means go home, or send you directly to Vegas giving them a ticket. If they're unsure they send them to choreography at the end of every audition day and after that either send them home or to Vegas."

He watched for a bit but could rather quickly get that this wasn't his type of show. She was still glued to the screen though. He let his hand go in underneath her tank and he rubbed it up and down her spine a bit. He hoped the contact maybe could get her to lean back against him or, even better, get her a bit turned on as his touch usually did but she seemed totally unaware of his hand right now.

A girl came on to the stage and there was some cut-ins of her as a small girl next to her father and then a more current photo which showed her father in a wheelchair. It seemed the young woman had another sad life story to share with the entire audience and millions of viewers. He shook his head a little but watched the girl start to dance. She wasn't bad he had to admit but then Amanda's arm caught his attention and every hair on it was raised. He leaned forward a bit to catch a glimpse of her face and he'd be darn but she had tears in her eyes.

"Are you crying?" he asked stunned. She huffed and tried pulling away from him but he also saw her hand swipe under her eye.

"You are," he said grabbing a hold of her and bringing her back against him.

"Stop," she whined and tried to pull away but he held her tight.

"I can't believe it," he chuckled. Tough Amanda, the stop or I'll wrestle you to the ground detective Rollins where actually getting teary eyed to a sob story told on a TV talent show.

"That's so cute," he said forcing his lips on her cheek.

"Ah you're ruining it," she complained and since that hadn't been his aim he stopped but kept his arms around her. The young woman kept dancing and then got standing ovations from the judges.

"You liked that too?" he asked.

"Well yeah if you'd let me watch it," she said swiping her hand under her eyes again. She felt stupid but there was no point denying it, she loved watching all that emotion that some dancers managed to express by just moving across the stage. And this had been the reason she didn't want him around when she watched it. She knew she got emotional and it was embarrassing.

"I mean she's dancing for her dad and you can see the… love she has for him in her dance. That's… like such a talent," she said and he could hear on her tone how affected she was. The young woman was handed a ticket to Vegas and she ran out of the theater jumping of joy.

"I'm sorry if I ruined that for you," he said feeling bad for embarrassing her.  
"It's okay," she mumbled and he could feel she forgave him as her body eased in a little to his.

"I still find it adorable though that you cried," he teased and he placed a soft kiss on the side of her head.  
"I didn't cry," she said shoving her elbow a little in his gut, "I get teary eye, it's a big difference."

"Yeah, very big," he teased and the elbow got a little sharper but he could tell she was smiling now. She settled in even more next to him and he liked that she let him have his arm around her shoulders. She got the blanket up over them after she'd pulled her legs up and she leaned them against his under the blanket. He tried to get a little more interested in the show seeing how she enjoyed it so much. After a while this guy came on and did this silly dance on stage.

"That's awesome," he snickered but got a deadly stare from Amanda.  
"Now what?" he asked.  
"He's making a mockery of the entire show," she huffed and started to gesture towards the TV, "he's just there for some stupid attention while the other's doing this… well for their life basically. They've fought to be here, on that stage, some are trying to break free from horrible… backgrounds. And then this guy wants his five seconds of fame on TV."

She was clearly offended and so was the jury as that Nigel guy tossed the wanker from the stage. Amanda pulled out of Nick's grip and reached for her tea cup. She frowned as she felt the more or less cold liquid in her mouth. She put the cup down and picked up Nick's instead. His was a bit warmer and she helped herself.

Nick sighed slightly, he was clearly ruining this for her and she would most likely not want to watch this show with him again. He knew he would have to make quick redemption since he really wanted to share this with her. He pulled his one leg up and got it around her so he could scoot in right behind her.

He placed a light kiss on her neck as an apology and wrapped his arms around her. He reached to the table and grabbed a donut that he then put in front of her mouth. She accepted his peace offering. He took a bite of the donut as well but then she shook him off when he offered her another bite. He left the donut on the table so he then could use his hands to pull her with him back on the couch. She followed him willingly and settled in comfortable against him. After a while he dared to ask her what happened after the auditions and she filled him in on something called Vegas week and then how the best male and female dancers were chosen.

He could tell just how talented some dancers were and he started to like the judges, they added comedy to the show. He also liked having her that close and feeling her body react to whatever dancer was on stage. This tap dancing girl came on and he felt the rhythm in her entire body. He enjoyed even more when this other girl came on doing a very sultry dance and he couldn't focus on the screen but only on how Amanda's hips felt as they moved against his crotch. He just tried to breathe through the number though cause there was no way he would ruin this hour for her. Cause it was only an hour right?

He could stay there on the couch for a long time though. She was leaning back against him and he had his one arm around her front shoulder to shoulder. His other hand had found itself down in underneath the blanket resting on her stomach. It started above her tank but during the show somehow found its way in underneath. She did have time to talk during the show as well though and he learnt she'd watched this show for 11 seasons now and apparently her favorite dancer of all time on this show was someone named Melanie that had done some death jump on stage. He made her promise to show him that clip on YouTube tomorrow. As the dancers that were asked to stay behind got through choreography they tried to guess who were going to be sent to Vegas. Amanda said she'd put her money on this one girl and Nick pinched her as he could tell she was teasing him. The girl got to Vegas and Amanda joked she could've earned money on that. Nick suspected she only said it so he would pinch her again though.

Once he'd started to squeeze her a bit he couldn't really stop but thankfully she didn't seem to mind as the show started to come to a close. His hand found its way up her stomach and to those nipples he'd seen through her tank earlier and that he'd glanced at over her shoulder after that. She stirred a bit in his embrace but didn't elbow him or anything so he stayed around just exploring her breasts a bit trying not to take it too far so she could enjoy the end of her show. He found it a bit funny though that she almost didn't seem to notice his touch, that's how invested she was in the show. He wondered what other mischiefs he could get away with but he kept it to dirty thoughts, that was until the previews for next week started rolling. Then he got a little more serious with the nipple play and again he found himself amused as her nipple responded before she did. But then finally she glanced up at him with a smile forming over her face.

"Hey," he whispered placing his lips on her cheek and working his way down to her neck. His other hand had also found its way in underneath the blanket and arrived down over the sheer fabric in her panties.

"What do you think you're doing?" she whispered.  
"Just paying you back a bit for letting me stay on the couch with you," he whispered against her neck.  
"I'm sure you only stayed for Deeley and the other blonde," she whispered having forgot the other's name right now.  
"You're my favorite blonde though," he breathed liking the heat he felt radiating from her core underneath his fingers.

"I can't give you a ride to Vegas," she said a little out of breath as he pinched her nipple and she arched her back a bit.  
"Oh I prefer the rides you give me any day baby," he said biting down on her neck.

His hand travelled down a bit further between her legs and he knew it was okay for him to be there as she spread her legs a bit to give him better access. He heard her breath pick up and got inside her panties quickly. He dipped two fingers inside her gathering some of the moist he already knew he would find there and then got working on her clit immediately.

"Spread your legs," he whispered and she followed orders as quickly as she was able to seeing how her lower body didn't really function rationally right now. It didn't take him long to get her to orgasm, he knew her body well by now. He just wished he would get to know her mind as well too. Right now he didn't think that much about it though and when she came down from her orgasm and breathed; "Want that ride now choir boy?" he certainly wasn't thinking about anything but her body.

She got up letting the blanket fall to the floor and her panties dropped soon thereafter. He'd been watching her in awe just sitting back enjoying the view. She climbed up on the couch and brought him out of his boxers. He was already hard and without trouble she lowered herself over him. No right now he didn't think about much more than the end station of this ride she was giving him and just how much he enjoyed both the journey and the destination.

**Finding out more** about her personality was a treat. Once the fact that a reality dance show made her cry was out there she didn't really see a need to hold back on other things, it wasn't like it could get worse than that and although he did tease her about it she was a bit surprised she really didn't mind. She actually kind of liked it, not that she would admit that to him though. Nick could tell though but he kind of liked her playing mad as long as he could see that laughter was just below the surface.

"So what's your PSR then?" Amanda asked crashing back down on the couch next to him having refilled her soda.

"My what?" he asked scooting in closer to her just because he'd missed her by his side the few seconds she'd been gone.

"Your primitive survival rate? You said you'd watched 'Naked and afraid'," she said like you just had to know what PSR were if you'd watched the survival reality show.

"Well I've only watched it like once or twice," he admitted. He was still a bit baffled she knew all these TV shows, she'd always seemed like such a busy person with energy pouring out of her veins but he started to realize she'd had a lot of free time before she started hanging out with him every day.

"I'm a nine. I could trap and kill an animal, build a hut, I'd do great on that show," Amanda said a bit cocky.

"And how would I rate?" he asked.

"I'd think you'd do pretty good, an eight maybe?" Amanda said sizing him up.

"Just an eight?" he said trying to sound offended.

"Hey most of the people on the show are merely a six," Amanda countered.

"So let's do it," he smiled at her, "let's sign up." She gave him a 'are you stupid' look and he started chuckling even before she said anything.

"You and me? On Naked and afraid?" she said in disbelief, "They would have to rename it Naked and reproducing if they dropped us on an island naked."

Once their chuckle subsided he watched her out of the corner of her eye.

"Would you want that?" he asked.

"Want what?" she asked.

"Reproduce? With me?" he said and she shot him a disbelieving look.

"That was just… I mean if I was on an island, I mean I wouldn't have my pills and like you would be naked, we both would and like we wouldn't be able to keep our hands of each other, that's like all I meant," she said and both her rambling and the fact she stirred on the couch made him aware just how uncomfortable she felt.

"But even if not on an island, is it something you can see in our future?" he knew he was taking a risk.

"I'm not gonna be another one of your baby mamas," she said after having scooted out a little on the couch.

"I'm sorry," she said quickly though turning back towards him. She hadn't meant to say something that hurtful.

"Don't worry 'bout it," he said but it had stung a little.

"You're a great dad Nick," she said, "it's just me. I'm not mother material."

"Why not?" he asked curiously.

"You've met my sister right? And you know my dad's a gambler too," she said rolling her eyes a little, "my gene pole is screwed up, I'm not putting a child through that."

"I'm sure our child would get the very best of each of us," he just said and left it at that to not make her feel uncomfortable again.

**He was getting** to a point though where he no longer could hold in his feelings for her. He didn't like having to sneak around at work, to arrange secret meetings later on and put a lid on what he felt.

They were on his bed one night, oddly enough without having engaged in any sexual activity for several minutes. They had earlier though, they barely made it inside his door but after dinner they'd just ended up side by side above the cover on his bed both feeling a bit stuffed. He had his hand in her hair, playing around a little with her soft strands. After a while she got restless though and she picked up a book that was on his bed stand. It was in Spanish by a Cuban writer and she didn't get a single word she tried to read on the cover. She put it down with a tiny growl.

"What?" he asked with an amused tone to his voice.

"I've just never had an ear for language, I suck at it," she said disgruntled.

"Your accent's a bit of a foreign language at times," he teased and got a slap across his diaphragm that took the wind out of him a little. He rolled over towards her once he caught his breath and he forced himself on her as she tried to act a bit offended. He fell back down to the side of her, still facing her though, once she'd let him steal a kiss from her.

"I had this boyfriend for a while in college," she said thinking back, "he was a foreign exchange student from the Netherlands. His English wasn't that brilliant so he like regressed to Dutch when he got like overly excited or angry. We had these ridiculous fights where we just yelled at each other without understanding a word."

"Why were you arguing?" Nick asked while stroking her hair down behind her ear over and over again.

"Have you met me?" she asked shooting him an amused look and he chuckled. They both rested back down and she seemed to get lost a little in the memories from her past. He figured by the serene look on her face that the times with that Dutch guy hadn't been all bad.

"Mientras yo sigo el agua que llevas y me lleva," he suddenly started and her head turned so she faced him as he continued, "la noche, el mundo, el viento devanan su destion, y ya no soy sin ti sino sólo tu sueño."

"What was that?" she asked smiling. He smiled widely feeling warm all over.

"Pablo Neruda, this Chilean poet I like and read a lot back in college," he said stroking away her bangs from her face so he could see all of her better.

"What's it about?" she asked as she liked to hear what he was into during college, poetry wasn't really what she'd pictured him doing.

"It's kind of hard to translate but it's from his collection of sonnets called Cien sonetos de amor, a hundred love sonnets," he said keeping his eyes on her as he just knew this information would affect her.

"Oh," she said turning her eyes back up at the ceiling.

"Did that Dutch guy ever recite you love poems in his language?" Nick enquired curiously.

"I don't remember, maybe," she said even though she clearly remembered him reading them to her in the soft light of a candle in her dorm room. Love poems in a foreign language weren't as threatening as the ones in English for some reason.

"Did he ever say he loved you?" he asked but she made a laughable frown.

"Oh c'mon I'm sure he did, tell me," Nick urged sensing the truth.

"Something like ik hou van jou, I dunno," she said shooting a look his way but never committed to fully meeting his eyes. He was smiling though, he'd just known that guy fell head over heels for her. It was college after all, everyone fell in love, over and over again.

"Did you say it back?" he asked but could feel how uncomfortable just the question made her feel as she started to stir in his arms.

"No, and let's talk about something else than my college indiscretion please," she said trying to get off the topic. _Indiscretions_, it made him chuckle. He kept looking at her though and when her eyes finally came to meet his he smiled and whispered; "Te quiero con todo mi corazón."

Her eyes narrowed a little and he could tell she wavered between a frown and a smile.

"You know what te quiero means? Te amo?" he asked just as quietly as though it wouldn't hit her as hard if he did.

"I told you I don't do other languages well," she said trying to get up off the bed. When he tried to keep her there she more or less ripped her arm back. He quickly got to his feet and followed her out into the other room.

"Why do you constantly run away?" he asked not able to hide the slight annoyance from his voice. She looked back over her shoulder and gave him an equally annoyed look.

"Whenever we touch on something personal you run, literally at times actually," he said hinting to last week when she decided to go for a run as they touched on the subject if she'd ever been close to settling down with someone, "or you change the subject or walk out like right now."

"Maybe I just don't want to talk to you any longer?" she suggested shrugging him off and turned away to find something to try and seem occupied with as she didn't want to prove his point by actually walking out his door right now. When he didn't say anything for a while though she had to put the magazine down that she'd pretended to be interested in and glanced over her shoulder at him.

"What?" she asked annoyed, sighing as she turned back towards him crossing her arms in front of her.

"Why is it so hard for you to let anyone in?" he asked, voice no longer filled with anger but more concern. She rolled her eyes at him though.

"It's not, c'mon let's go back to bed," she said trying to get passed him but he grabbed her wrist.

"You're doing it again," he said calmly.

"Doing what?" she said less than calmly.

"Running."

"This ain't running, I'm casually walking back to the bed room to lay down, strip down or whatever you'd like me to do," she said not holding back on the patronization. He shook his head.

"What?" she said trying to pull her wrist back but he wouldn't let go to her obvious frustration. She pulled away when he raised his other hand and tried to touch her cheek.

"Why Amanda?" he asked sounding a bit desperate now.

"Why what?"

"Why do you run away and why do you pull away when I want to…" he wasn't sure how to put it. All he wanted to do was talk and for her to let him in.

"Want to what? I'm not a mind reader you know."

"No but you have to be to be your boyfriend," he said with a crocked smile. She raised her eyebrow at him.

"Boyfriend?" she questioned.

"You prefer to call me something else?" he asked curiously feeling a need to put a word on whatever relationship they had.

"I prefer to get naked in bed," she said trying to claim her wrist back by walking away from him. He already knew she was strong for her petite form but he knew he could take her if he wanted to. He wasn't sure he wanted to win this battle with force though so instead he followed her a few steps and then quickly changed grips, wrapping both his arms around her. She struggled a bit but then finally just eased into his embrace with her back to him. She did like having his arms around her and his breath right by her ear always made her inside tingle in a delightful way. He placed a kiss right behind her ear as he knew it often made her a bit weak.

"I won't pressure you," he whispered, "but just know that I want to be more than your lover. It's important for me that you know that I love you. I don't expect more from you than that you at least acknowledge my feelings for you. I love you Amanda."

He rested his forehead against the back of her head for a few moments as he felt her breathe in his arms.

"I'm going to go get a glass of water and then there's nothing else I'd rather do then to lay down with you between the sheets. Preferably naked."

He placed another kiss at the back of her neck and then let her go but not before he'd slapped her ass. He caught the naughty smile on her face as she turned her head slightly.

"Get your ass in bed," he said smiling.

**They made love** and then fell asleep in each other arms. Since they had the following day off they slept in and then didn't manage to leave bed until it was well into the afternoon. A different kind of hunger, the one for food, made them finally leave the apartment but before they'd climbed down the stairs Nick heard a very familiar sound as his daughter called out for him and the next second crashed in to him literally catching him off guard.

"Zara," he breathed patting her back a bit awkwardly. It was more the sight of his ex by her car that made him feel awkward though. Nick glanced back at Amanda and she'd almost retracted to behind the stairs but there was no way she could go unnoticed. Maria had clearly seen her judging by her face as she approached them and Zara had definitely seen her as she said her name.

"Amanda, what are you doing here?" she asked, the same question that was written all over Maria's face as she took a wide stance with crossed arms a few yards from them.


	8. Chapter 8

There is some smut & foul language in the beginning of this chapter, Nick is being a naughty boy, I teased about phone sex and I got a request so here it is. As for the rest of this chapter... fasten your seatbelts, it will be an angsty ride. Not sure if you'll like me much by the end of this chapter... Have a good weekend y'all!

* * *

**Chapter 8**

* * *

They'd spent the entire day in bed with only short detours. They'd made love moments after they'd woken up and then again as he refused to let her get up to take a shower. They'd taken that shower a little later though, but together and he had her against the cold tiles under those warm jets. The plan had been to have breakfast but they'd ended up back in bed again and he'd explored every inch of her body smelling and tasting soap but then filled his mouth with her own scent and her fluids. He'd lost count on how many times he'd made her come. It was something he liked keeping track off, silly he knew but it pleased him to be able to please her.

They'd both fallen asleep for a while only to wake up feeling the desire reawakened. This time their lovemaking took them off the bed, tumbling to the floor in a heap of tangled limbs, sweat and laughter. They kept going on the floor and the hard surface helped him restrain her the way she liked to be restrained at times. He got her back up on the bed though as he decided to see if he had anything for them to eat in the kitchen. Both their tummies were rumbling by now.

He found nothing but two stale croissants and while he waited for their coffee to finish he found two missed calls on his phone. Both numbers were listed as hidden though and he thought nothing more of it as he hurried back to the bedroom with the poor offerings he'd managed to scramble together in his kitchen. She enjoyed the coffee but then she seemed more interested in him than the croissants and they got back to devouring each other instead.

Lunch passed but then around two pm they made the adult decision to try and break out of their love nest to find something to eat. They separated into two rooms to make it easier for them to get dressed but then they still got caught in the hallway making out for a while. They made it out the door but then he had to run in to get his wallet and she took the time to straighten her hair out that he'd tangled during their make-out session. She couldn't help but smile as her fingers got caught in the tousles but she managed to get her hair up into a ponytail even though he smacked her ass when he came back out. She finished the last hoop around her hair as they got out onto the steps and they were halfway down on the stairs when they heard his daughter call out for her papa.

Zara came running towards them. Nick was stunned to see her there and she managed to get him off balance a bit when she crashed into him.

"Zara," he breathed patting her back a bit awkwardly. It was more the sight of his ex by her car that made him awkward though. Nick glanced back at Amanda and she'd almost retracted to behind the stairs but there was no way she could go unnoticed. Maria had clearly seen her judging by her face as she approached them and Zara had definitely seen her and said her name.

"Amanda, what are you doing here?" she asked.

Nick knew Zara liked Amanda even though they'd only met a handful of times at the station. Zara had said she liked Amanda's hair, that it was like Barbie's. He'd never mentioned it to Amanda since he was pretty sure she wouldn't like being compared to Barbie.

"Are you working dad?" Zara grabbed a hold of Amanda's hand.  
"Yes."  
"No."

The yes was Amanda, the no was Nick's. Maria's expression didn't go unnoticed by none of them. Amanda shot Nick a fierce look.

"Well… yes _and_ no," he said looking down at his daughter who swopped hands to his by now, "we did work but now we're just… hanging out."  
"Cool," Zara smiled.

"What are you doing here?" Nick asked his ex-wife who'd stopped a few yards from them and crossed her arms in front of her.  
"Your mom didn't get a hold of you?" Maria asked and Nick shook his head.  
"Well I had to call her since you weren't picking up," Maria gave him an annoyed look, "I have a meeting, short notice, your mom said she could take her for the rest of the day."

"Okay," Nick said trying to just stay cool, "well we can take her, you go."  
"We?" Maria couldn't help herself.  
"I can just…" Amanda started but Nick interrupted her.

"Me and Amanda can take her," he said.  
"Fine," Maria said quickly, "Zara come get your bag out of the car honey."

Zara ran back to her mother as Maria headed back to the car. Nick turned to Amanda and caught the uncomfortable look on her face.

"I should go," Amanda said with barely a whisper but Nick shook his head and gestured with his hands for her to just stay put. He walked closer to Maria's car.

"So when are you picking her up?" he asked Maria when Zara came skipping back with her backpack in her hand. Nick grabbed it from her and she ran back over to Amanda.  
"Late tonight or early morning, what suits you better? And by you I mean you and Amanda?"

Nick did his best to not bite.

"I don't mind keeping her overnight, call me in the morning when you're on your way and I'll make sure she's ready," Nick said, proud he was able to keep his calm. He said goodbye and then went over to join Amanda and Zara on the curb.

"Is Amanda staying to have dinner with us?" Zara asked her dad as she waved to her mom that was taking off. Nick glanced at Amanda and noticed how she held her head down as the car passed them.

"Well do you want her too?" Nick asked even though he could see Amanda shaking her head a little while Zara had her focus turned away from her. She looked terrified and Nick knew why. Spending time with him and his daughter meant taking a step towards serious and it probably freaked her out. He secretly enjoyed seeing her a bit rattled though, she was hard to rattle.

"Where were you going just now?" Zara said as she remembered seeing them coming out of the apartment.  
"We were just going to grab a late lunch," Nick said touching his daughter's cheek.  
"Okay but I'm not hungry," Zara said still smiling up at her dad.

"Well I'm sure we can find something else to do besides eating," Nick winked at her.  
"Yay, can I sit in the back with Amanda?" she asked running over to his car.

"Can she?" Nick asked Amanda with a big grin on his face.  
"I should just head home Nick," Amanda whispered looking a bit scared again.  
"And disappoint a seven year old?" he said grabbing for her hand. She pulled away a bit, even took a step back.

"Hey," Nick said realizing this was no time to joke around, "if you really want to I'll drive you home but most of all I want to you stay with us."  
"Are you coming?" Zara shouted impatiently waiting by the car for them to join her. They both looked over towards her but Nick turned quickly to look at Amanda. She kept her eyes on the girl for a while and Nick could tell a lot of things were going on inside her head. He wanted to convince her to come but knew it would probably have the opposite effect.

"C'mon," Zara shouted and waved for Amanda to come join her.  
"Okay," Amanda whispered and gave him a shy glance. Nick couldn't help but smile and Amanda rolled her eyes at him before she turned to head over Zara's way.

"So where to?" he asked as he got behind the wheel and looked back. He caught Amanda helping Zara to strap in and he found the small gesture adorable.  
"Maybe the arcade on 8 Mott?" Amanda suggested.  
"Yay the arcade," Zara cheered. Nick wasn't exactly sure where it was at and asked a few more questions that Amanda could answer.

"Do they have food there though?" Nick asked.  
"I'm sure they have something to eat but it's okay with me, I'm not really hungry no longer," Amanda said and she was being honest. Any hunger she'd felt was inundated by nerves.  
"You sure?" he asked and she nodded.  
"And you're sure an arcade is…" he wasn't sure how that worked with her gambling addiction.  
"I promise to stay away from the high rolling tables," she said giving him a smirk as she knew what he was asking. He shot her a smile.

"Dad can I get my backpack, I wanna show Amanda my drawings," Zara said and Nick handed her the bag. He drove off the curb and got his phone hooked to his Bluetooth so he could reach his mother while Zara showed Amanda her latest coloring book. He caught glances of Amanda in the back mirror as he talked to his mother and let her know she didn't have to come over. Amanda caught him looking and gave him a stern glance but she couldn't hide the small smile playing over her face.

**They spent about** two hours at the arcade. Zara and Amanda tag-teamed him and beat him at almost everything. He surprised even himself though and won the gun range match. It could have had something to do with the fact he distracted Amanda during her shooting though. Zara called him out on it but he still got to count it as a win in the end. He counted the whole day as a win.

After two hours though his tummy was killing him and he managed to talk Amanda in to grabbing food and coming back with them to the apartment. He hoped it wasn't just the food that won her over. Zara got to chose restaurant to pick up from and then they headed back to the apartment. Amanda distracted Zara by asking her to show her more of her drawings in her room so that Nick could go around the apartment child-proofing it. That meant getting the bedroom back in order after this morning's workout sessions and making sure no stray underwear were laying around somewhere.

Soon though Nick could finally settle the ache in his tummy and he liked sitting down with both Zara and Amanda at the table. He could picture them like that, he would love to make this a regular thing. Regular like an everyday event. Zara were telling Amanda her best knock-knock jokes, the ones Nick had heard about a hundred times by now but hearing Amanda laugh at them made him able to appreciate them again.

They got interrupted though by a voice from the door. Nick recognized the voice and so did Zara.

"Abuela," she shouted and rushed to the door.

Nick looked over at Amanda and back was that terrified look on her face. Nick felt a little bad for her but had to admit he also enjoyed it. Daughter, ex and mother-in-law all on the same day. Nick felt a slight turn in his gut, he'd actually thought mother-in-law.

"See I told you she was here," Zara said close to dragging her grandmother into the living room.  
"Mama," Nick said catching his mother's cheek and felt her plump lips brush up against his cheek and those familiar fingers embracing the back of his neck.

"I don't think you've met my colleague Amanda right?" he said gesturing over the table to the still frighten looking blonde. Nick's mother shook her head reaching over the table to meet Amanda's hand.

"This is my mother Cesaria," Nick smiled.  
"Amanda Rollins," Amanda said not sounding at all like her secure self as she shook hands with his mother. It made Nick's smile wider.

"Nice to meet you Amanda," Cesaria smiled.  
"I hope I'm not interrupting," she said turning back to her son.  
"Never," he smiled and got a pat on the cheek from her.

"Are you hungry, we have enough," he said but she said she was not hungry but told them to sit back down and finish. Both Nick and Zara quickly sat down as they knew better than to not obey her. Amanda got the drift too and sat down grabbing her fork. Cesaria had brought a cake for her granddaughter and got coffee ready while they finished. Then she took care of the dishes while the rest tasted her cake. Amanda asked Nick with a whisper if his mother shouldn't join them too but Nick let her know it was no point even trying. Zara agreed with her dad. Cesaria did join them though once the dishes were done. Amanda complimented her on her delicious cake and found herself with a second serving on her plate.

Cesaria asked Zara how her dancing was going and Amanda learnt that Zara had just started taking dance classes in DC. Amanda also learnt that Cesaria helped out teaching ballroom dancing at a senior citizen center, apparently she'd been quite a dancer in her younger years Nick let her know. Nick then mentioned Amanda's passion for So you think you can dance which made Amanda embarrassed but only until Cesaria said she loved that show too. Zara got music on and then told her dad to dance with her. Amanda liked seeing Zara stand on Nick's feet, she remembered doing that as a kid too. Her dad had usually been a lot more unsteady on his feet though.

Amanda wasn't sure how Zara managed to talk her up there but soon she found herself holding on to Nick's hand, feeling his other hand resting on her hip and her hand being placed on his shoulder by Cesaria. Nick's mother lined their feet up and then gave them the count in. Amanda managed to step on Nick's foot though which only made him smile but she was feeling very awkward and he could tell. Cesaria grabbed a hold of her hips and helped her along.

"Mom, if she doesn't want to," he said trying to rescue Amanda, he knew how persistent his mom could be.  
"Qué disparate, any girl who's dating my son needs to know this dance," she said and Nick saw Amanda's eyes grew a few sizes and her face lost all color at once.

"Mom, Amanda and I _work_ together," he said quickly. Amanda looked like she could die right there.  
"Whatever, it does not hurt her to learn it either way," Cesaria said and, to Amanda's humiliation, added; "I can feel this girl knows how to move her hips."  
"Mom," Nick said harshly. Amanda somehow made it through one song and then let Zara have her dad back.

**A little later** Amanda said goodbye to Zara and again thanked Cesaria for the cake. Nick followed her to the door and just slightly let his hand brush over her stomach as they got there. Amanda gave him a stern look though and pulled away from his touch.

"Don't worry," he whispered but she didn't look convinced.  
"What does it matter what they think or know?" he asked not getting the big deal. _He was proud to be with her, didn't she feel the same?  
_"It matters," she whispered.

"Okay yes it matters but would it be so bad if they knew?" he asked wanting to know.  
"Yes," she said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"It would be bad if they knew we were seeing each other? Really? What, my mom would force you to learn that dance and my daughter would start to call you the evil stepmother just like that?" he smiled and was happy to see her face ease up a bit. He grabbed her hand and touched her cheek with his other hand. Finally she gave him a proper smile. He dared to lean in and give her a kiss. It was just a soft kiss, no tongue just a sign of affection. It got cut even shorter though as they heard a little girl giggling nearby.

"I knew it," Zara smiled as they looked at her. She gave them the most precious smile and then turned around running back to her grandma.  
"They did kiss abuela," she shouted. Nick felt Amanda slide out of his grip and he caught her close to devastated look as he turned back towards her.

"It's okay," he tried reassuring her following her out a couple of steps.  
"Hey," he said calling for her attention as he didn't want her to leave like this. She turned back but seemed to have a hard time looking at him.  
"It's okay, I promise," he said. He watched her take a deep breath and it seemed to make her less tense.  
"Can I call you later?" he asked and after a slight hesitation she gave him a short nod before she headed outside. He went back inside and he for one didn't mind the questions he knew his mother and daughter would have for him. He didn't mind one bit telling them all about his new girlfriend.

**Once his mother** had left, leaving the kitchen spotless as usual, and he'd tucked in his daughter after having read to her he shut his door slightly and propped himself up against a few pillows on his bed. He hit her on speed dial and heard himself whisper 'please pick up, please pick up' as the phone kept ringing. By the tenth ring though he started to realize she wouldn't pick up. He imagining her looking at the phone and not picking up because it was him. _Or maybe she'd gone to bed already? _He hung up after a few more rings.

His hand holding the phone hadn't even reached the bed though before it started buzzing and he immediately lit up once he saw her name in the window.

"Hey," he said smiling into the phone as he quickly brought it up to his ear again.  
"Hi, sorry, I was in the shower," she said sounding a little out of breath.

"No problem, thanks for calling me back," he said trying to push out some very vivid images of her inside his head of her dripping wet coming out of the shower.  
"You're welcome?" she said with a distinctive question mark afterwards and Nick chuckled. He listen to her move around a little before he said anything more.

"Have you gotten over the shock of being outed in front of my daughter and mother?" he asked and heard her amused little grunt on the other line. She seemed unwilling to answer though and he let her slide. For now. He could tell she'd stopped moving around.

"What you doing?" he asked.  
"Last I checked I was on the phone," she said with her common sarcastic tone.

"Are you in your bedroom?" he asked.  
"Yeah," she answered a little suspicious.  
"On your bed?"  
"Yeah."  
"What you wearing?" he asked and smiled at the muffled giggle he heard on the other line.

"C'mon, humor me," he begged.  
"Just a towel," she answered after letting him hang a little.  
"White?"  
"Aha." She gave the same answer to his following two questions. Wrapped around you? Ending half way down your thigh?

"Have you put lotion on yet?" he asked but barely finished that sentence until she burst out in laughter.  
"What?" he asked with a wide grin over his face.  
"Do you realize how creepy that is, total Hannibal vibe," she said through laughter.

"Oh c'mon, play along," he said scooting down a little further against his pillows. Her laugh had died down and all he heard was her breathing on the other side of the line. He couldn't understand how just the sound of her breathing could arouse him that much. How just the thought of her made him feel so alive.

"No I haven't put lotion on yet, you want to help me do that?" she asked and he felt even more alive. He'd heard her sound even more seductive though, now she had just a hint of timidity in her voice, so he knew she felt a little out of her comfort zone. He kind of liked though that she seemed inexperienced and he knew she wouldn't play along if it wasn't something that tickled her.

"I would love to," he answered smiling, "where do you want me to start?"

Amanda swallowed hard as she felt her core tingle slightly. She scooted down on the bed making the towel slide up even further as she lay down. She felt very excited to start to touch herself. It was a strange feeling, she'd never been much for doing that. She'd only used masturbation in desperate times and let's face it she rarely had been that desperate, she could find a man anywhere. There was just one thing she had to make sure of before she let this go any further.

"Nick?" she asked carefully, "Where's your daughter?"  
"Don't worry, she's sleeping in her room," he said happy she thought of his daughter but also very eager to get going.  
"Is your door shut?"

He looked at the somewhat closed door and contemplated lying.

"Almost," he answered deciding to be honest.  
"Close it."  
"She sleeps like a log, and I'll be quiet," he said lowering his voice unconsciously.  
"Please close it," she begged. She didn't want Zara to hear what her mother had made her listen to all those years. He hurried up and over to his door. He glanced down the hall quickly only to find Zara's door as he'd left it and her nightlight burning through the small opening.

"This is me closing the door," he said in case she didn't hear it. He walked back to his bed listening to her breath close to his ear.

"Are you still wearing your towel?" he asked laying back down against his pillow.  
"Aha," she whispered.  
"Are you curtains closed?" he asked and pictured her taking a look during the brief silence that followed.  
"Yes," she answered once she'd checked.  
"Okay then take the towel off," he said and only gave her a few seconds before he asked; "Is it off?"

"Eager," she breathed while trying to get the towel off the bed. Nick smiled. He'd heard her call him eager plenty of times during these past months. _How could he not be eager with her? _

"Okay it's off but what are _you_ wearing?" she countered.  
"I'm in a tee and a pair of sweats," he let her know while looking down on himself.  
"Boxers?"  
"Yeah, want me to take them off?"  
"No, leave 'em on but put your hand down inside them," she told him.

"How will I then be able to touch you?" he asked with a smile but his hand was already on its way down inside his boxers.  
"Since we're on the phone, you'll use your real hand to touch yourself but your imaginary hands to touch me," she said a bit smug.  
"Oh so that's how it works," he taunted back getting slightly more erected just by her cocky tone.

"So I have my hand on myself now, and you're naked?"  
"Yeah I'm naked," she assured.  
"Are your hair wet?"  
"Damp," she let him know.  
"Curled up?" he asked stroking himself as he started to get a more vivid image of her in front of his eyes.  
"A bit yeah," she answered.

"Okay, you're on your back right?"  
"Yeah," she said swallowing.  
"Look down," he told her, "your breasts, your stomach, mound, your gorgeous legs. You're beautiful."

He imagined her either blushing now or shaking her head a little. He knew she didn't like to think of herself as beautiful but he would keep telling her till the day he died.

"Your breasts, your nipples, are they hard?"  
"No," she let him know.

"Put your phone on speaker and place it next to you on the pillow, I want you to be able to use both hands," he said and added; "Do it now," as he didn't hear anything.  
"Bossy," she mumbled and then he heard the change as she switched to speaker on her phone. He heard a deep exhale and imagined her laying back down on the bed.

"Can you still hear me?"  
"Yeah, loud and clear boss," she said.

"I want you to touch your breasts, gently, just stroke them all over, and look at them while you do it. Go over your nipples but don't pinch them yet," he breathed, "are you doing it?"  
"Yeah," she breathed and he had no problem picturing her doing it.  
"Your nipples, are they perking up?"  
"Yeah," she said with just a whisper.

"I love to cup your breasts when they do that, that hard nipple underneath my palm. Cup your breasts for me, can you feel your nipples against your palms?"  
"Yes," she said with a gasp.  
"That's good. Now tease them, pinch them, punish them," he said and he smiled at the stocked up exhale he heard on the other side of the line. He used the back of his hand to make a little more room inside his boxers and then squeezed his balls a few times before he went back to stroking himself.

"How does that feel?" he asked.  
"Good, it feels good," she whispered. She'd closed her eyes now and just tried to focus on his voice as she'd felt a little self-conscious to start with.  
"Yes it feels really good, I love your breasts. Leave one hand there but let the other one go down, slowly though. Move it down over your stomach, stop at your mound. Just let it rest there, don't touch yourself, yet."

Her deep breathing was making his head spin a little. He loved it but wanted to be there next to her, wanted to be able to actually touch her himself right now.

"If you're not moving your hips already then start to, and spread your legs. I want you to grind your ass against the bed as you picturing me between your legs. Can you feel me there?"  
"Let me touch myself," she breathed.  
"Not yet," he said with a smile on his face, he liked that she gave him that power even though he wasn't in the room.  
"You can touch the inside of your thigh, but just the thigh. And don't forget your breasts, I want your nipples hard constantly. I'm playing with your nipples, I'm running my tongue over them, can you feel it?"  
"Aha," she breathed.

"I love playing with my tongue over your nipples like this, I like sucking at them, do you like it?"  
"Yeah," she whispered.  
"Say it, say you like it," he urged.  
"I like it," she moaned.  
"What do you like?"  
"The way you… suck at them," she said inhaling harshly.

"What else do you want me to do to them?"  
"I want you to… use your teeth," she said out of breath.  
"Oh, you want it rough tonight do you?" he smiled trying to slow down his own handling of his cock so he would last.  
"Okay I'll use my teeth but you got to help me out, you have to push your chest up towards me and keep pinching the other nipple, pinch it hard," he was still smiling as he heard her breathing.

"Where's your other hand?"  
"Between my legs," she whispered not able to hold anything back right now.  
"Oh you're being a naughty girl, did I tell you you could do that?"  
"Please," she begged.

"Not yet, use both hands on your breasts, pinch those nipples hard, and keep your legs spread, give me room down there. I want to see you, all of you," he said and felt all the nerves in his cock quiver at once as she let out a long, deep exhale.

Amanda was surprised herself how fast she'd gone from a reluctant participant to a very willing one. Of course when sex was involved she was usually quickly onboard. She'd never been on the receiving end of this kind of thing though. She'd gotten guys off over the phone but that was easy, she only had to use her deep, husky voice and throw out some dirty words and then tell him what she'd do to him if she was in the same room. That was easy and rather unsexy but this… this was crazy sexy.

Even with her legs spread she could feel how wet she was and the way he refused her to touch herself made her even more aroused. She was squirming on the bed right now, every little fiber throughout her body felt alive and even though he wasn't there with her she could feel him. She could feel his touch, that warm and caring touch that could also apply just the right amount of pressure and at times pain that she craved. She could feel his eyes on her, those warm, brown eyes with such depth and filled with so much compassion it made her feel overwhelmed by the notion he wanted nothing but to direct them her way. And that mouth, those lips that hit all the right spots, that tongue that could bring as much pleasure as his touch and those words that came out of it.

Those words… she tried to not think about them. She wanted to pretend it didn't affect her but it did. It made her feel good. And scared. An 'I love you' came with expectations, expectations she feared she couldn't live up to but right now that was not on her mind at all. Right now she squeezed her own nipples hard wanting to make them just as perky as he liked them to be and with her eyes closed he was vivid in the room, he was there with her.

"Okay bring one hand up to your mouth, put your fingers in your mouth, suck on them," he told her and her right hand quickly found their way inside her mouth. He could hear her latch on to her fingers and even though he could picture it he really wanted to be there with her right now.  
"Make them really wet," he told her, "and then you can reach down and you can place them on your clit, but just your clit. You hear me?"

"Aha," he heard her answer with her fingers still in her mouth. It didn't take long though until he heard the gasp as she placed her fingers between her own legs.  
"That's good, take it slow. Rub it slowly," he said trying to do just the same with his erection. He heard her moan, or more plead and it drove him insane.  
"Damn you're so hot," he whispered, "I want to be right there with you, I want to fuck you so badly right now. Put two fingers inside you. Do it now."

He felt it hard to control himself as he listen to the sounds she made. She seemed closer and she was as she'd rolled over to the side and her mouth very just an inch from the phone now. She had her one hand working hard down between her legs that she had to fight to keep parted and she worked her breasts with her other hand.

"I want to hear you come, I want you to come for me," he said listening to her moans going in and out. She was trying to keep her head up but she felt the need to bury her mouth in the pillow from time to time.  
"I want to hear you, let me hear you come Amanda," he asked changing his tone from demanding to begging.

Amanda wanted to give that to him, she wanted to please him since he'd pleased her so many times. She pushed the phone further down on the bed as she rolled over on her stomach so she could press her hand harder against herself. She spread her legs further to come further down against the bed.

"Pretend that's me, that's my hand rubbing against you," she heard him say and she had no problem imagining him there. He kept talking to her as her moaning got stronger. As small wails interrupted her moaning he had to take a short break as he ejaculated but as soon as he was done he got back to talking dirty to her. He wasn't sure she heard him but he kind of liked this naughty side of himself and it made him feel part of what was going on on her side of the line.

"What do you need?" he asked once he could tell she'd got a little stuck on an intense level, "Tell me what you need Amanda? What can I do to get you there?"  
"Please," he heard her faint reply, she struggled to talk.  
"Tell me Amanda," he said.  
"Hold me down," she managed to say.

"You want me to hold you down? Okay that's what I'll do, I'll pin your hands above your head, I'll use my knees to push down your legs, I'm all over you, you can't go anywhere and my hand's between your legs. I'm showing no mercy."  
"Yes please no mercy," she echoed with barely a whisper. Nick had opened his eyes up and his eyes fell on his pants and belt that he'd folded over the chair by the wall.

"Can I do anything to you?" he asked.  
"Yes, yes you can," she breathed hard.  
"I have my belt, can I tie your hands up?"  
"Yeah, yeah, yes," she breathed even harder.  
"I'm tightening my belt around your wrists, hard, and I'm tying them to the bedpost. Now you're all mine…"

It didn't take long until she came after that. He urged her to keep going, to rub her clit as the orgasm rode through her body and she cried out with that mix of pain and pleasure he'd gotten used to hearing.

"Oh my God," she repeated a few times as she got her voice back.  
"That was hot," he smiled.  
"That was crazy hot," she answered and he chuckled.  
"I need another shower," she said and he kept chuckling.  
"I need new boxers," he let her go and he heard a slight giggle on her end.

"That was really amazing," he said still feeling a bit of glow around himself, "if we ever have to be apart again I wouldn't mind doing that again."  
"Okay," she said simply and he was filled with this pride of having the coolest girlfriend ever.

"You're going to take that second shower?" he asked after the line had been quiet for a while.  
"If my legs will carry me, I'm not so sure about that," she answered and he smiled. He didn't want to hang up but she didn't really seem to be in the mood to talk.

"I'm gonna give it a try," she finally said and he knew it was time to say good night.  
"Okay, I'll see you at the station tomorrow then, I had a really good day today Amanda, with you and Zara."  
"Yeah it was… fine," she said and he'd take that.  
"I hope we can do it again," he said, left a little room for her to respond but when none came he continued, "Okay, you sleep well Amanda, I love you."

"Night Nick," she answered after a slight pause.  
"Night," he said right before she hung up. The call would've ended perfectly if she'd said something back, but he'd promised not to pressure her and he wouldn't. Not yet. He would keep reassuring her, he would make sure she knew he would be there and then he hoped she would feel secure enough to say it back.

**He'd called Liv** in the morning to let her know he had to take Zara a bit unexpectedly yesterday and he had to drop her off before work which would make him run a little late. Liv said it was no problem so he took his time and had a nice breakfast with his girl before her mother would come by to pick her up.

The scene was a little tense once Maria finally showed up. Nick felt oddly calm though and tried to ignore Maria's frumpy face. He just let her know their daughter had been fed and they had a nice evening just the two of them.

"Just the two of you?" she asked a little nosey as Zara had run back inside to get something she'd left behind.  
"Yes, just the two of us," Nick said trying not to bite.

"So Amanda?" she asked not able to leave it alone, it had been on her mind the entire day yesterday and the first thing she'd thought about this morning as she woke up in her hotel room.  
"What about Amanda?" he asked trying to keep his cool.

"C'mon Nick," she said a bit irritated. He felt a slight annoyance but then when he looked at his ex-wife he saw some timidity on her face and he didn't want to rub his new relationship in her face.  
"We're hanging out okay? It's complicated with work, there's rules and, well, complicated," he said shooting her a relaxed smile. Zara came running down the stairs and interrupted any follow-up question Maria might have had.

"So it seems we'll be in town for another night," Maria said giving her daughter a look and her cheek a caress before she looked back up at Nick, "You got plans tonight? Can the three of us have dinner?"

"Yes dad, let's have dinner together," Zara chirped and of course Nick couldn't say no to her.  
"Okay," he said as his daughter wrapped her overjoyed arms around his waist.  
"Okay," Maria smiled, "I'll find a place for us. I'll text you the details."  
"Sure," Nick said trying his best to smile back. Of course he wanted to spend time with his daughter but he had really wanted to be able to catch up with Amanda tonight. She had her GA tonight though so maybe they could still see each other after her meeting and his dinner.

Since he was running late both Amanda and Fin were at their desks when he walked in. Amanda spotted him before Fin and she and Nick exchanged a few shy glances instead of a 'morning' and when Fin looked up he spotted their silent exchange.

"Morning buddy," Fin said breaking their gaze.  
"Morning Fin," Nick said swiping his jacket over his chair before he sat down.

"What was that?" Fin asked his partner over their desks trying to keep his voice low.  
"What was what?" she said trying to act innocent even though her cheeks were burning.  
"That…" he said aiming at her flustered face and then tried to copy their eye ogling by making his eyes pop as much as possible.  
"What?" she said shaking her head a little trying to cover up what she knew she couldn't cover up.  
"Oh please," he muttered but she just turned her eyes down. Fin sighed. He had no problem with them getting it on but he hated being left out of whatever they had going on.

It was a slow day, no new cases, so they were left mostly in the squad room for the first part of the day. Both Liv and Murphy were around though but as they got closer to lunch he finally were able to catch her down the hall as she exited the ladies room. Yes he had stalked her there.

"Hi," he said smiling.  
"Hi," she whispered as he followed her to a corner that was a little secluded, at least in sight from the squad room. She'd kept pushing down her top inside her pants as they moved over there and whenever she peeked up he smiled at the shyness that was so obviously displayed on her face. He found it endearing.

"That thing, last night, that was fun," he said and she nodded biting down on her lip. He shot a somewhat nervous look over his shoulder to make sure no one was around or approaching from the squad room. When he didn't see anyone he dared to reach out and touch her wrist just slightly. The touch felt almost electrical to both of them. He'd seen the blush on her cheeks already and now he felt his own heat up.

"I'm wearing my belt," he whispered and caught her inhaling hard. She tried not to look at him as she felt it hard to stay away from him as it was and meeting those sexy, dark eyes of his right now… she couldn't risk it. But looking down meant looking at either his fingers brushing up against her wrist or his belt, and crotch, and that felt hard too so her eyes still ended up meeting his. The smile over his face was mischievous and now she was the one looking down the hallway. When she didn't see anyone her hand went up to his belt and his pants felt tight as he watched her finger it.

"Maybe you want to really use that on me some time?" she whispered and for a few seconds he felt as though his legs would crumble with excitement.

"Hey, Rollins, Amaro," came Fin's loud voice echoing down the hallway. Nick immediately took a step back, away from Amanda and turned around. He cleared his throat quickly as he not only saw Fin but also Liv approaching behind him.  
"Yeah?" he called back as he heard Amanda take a deep breath behind him.  
"We got a case, you busy?" Liv called down the hallway.  
"No, not busy," Nick said glancing over his shoulder as he headed down towards them. Amanda stepped away from the wall and followed him.

"Everything okay?" Liv asked a bit suspiciously as Nick walked up next to her.  
"Yeah, more than okay," he said trying to brush it off.

"Are we heading out?" Amanda asked Fin as she tried to stay away from Liv, it felt as though her sergeant could see right through her. Fin gave her a nod with an added look that she chose to ignore.

**They'd caught** a rather simple case, the crimes were never simple but when they had a known assailant it was usually a whole lot easier. Liv and Nick talked to the victim as Amanda and Fin took the suspect, they were both admitted at the same hospital. The abuser, that was the victim's former boyfriend, confessed and was regretful. Liv and Nick got the hard end as the victim seemed reluctant to press charges and it took a whole lot of convincing before she finally agreed to do it.

Once Liv and Nick were done the other two had already finished up at the hospital and were having lunch on their way back to the station. Liv and Nick grabbed something to go and joined them at the station. By the end of shift they had more or less wrapped the case and even the paperwork was done. Amanda hadn't had time to make any plans with Nick but she knew he kept track of which days she had meetings so she figured that maybe was why he hadn't confronted her again.

But she really wanted to see him later and she hoped he really wanted to see her too. Murphy had been mostly a-wall the entire day but Liv was still in her office. The rest of them were stationed at their desks and since Amanda knew Fin kept track of her whenever she was around Nick's desk she decided to text him instead.

"Busy later?" she texted even though she knew he rarely did anything after work. She tried to ignore the buzzing of his phone as he received the text and paid attention to her computer screen instead. She did catch his glance over her way though once he had a look at his phone. It didn't take long until her phone buzzed.  
"You have a meeting right?" was his reply.  
"I can come by afterwards?" she suggested. She had to wait a while for his reply but then it came and she hurried to read it.  
"Let's text. Having dinner with a friend but would love to c u afterwards."  
"OK."

Amanda put down her phone but then caught Fin's eyes right over the top of her computer screen.

"You know you'd save the police department a few bucks if you just walked over to him to arrange a rendezvous," he said trying to sound serious but she could hear the amusement underneath. She just made a face at him but then ducked down behind her screen so he wouldn't see either her smile or her blushing cheeks.

**Amanda sat through** most of the meeting not contributing much. She had a hard time even just nodding and acknowledging whatever others shared, her mind was elsewhere. All she could think about was how she wanted to see him, to be in his arms and have him inside of her. She got aroused just thinking about him right now and she was really in no place to be having these thoughts. They were in a room in a building that belonged to the church's premises.

She couldn't wait to get out of there but of course they ran late. Everyone, but her, seemed to want to share tonight. She was a little surprised, and disappointed, to see no text or missed calls on her phone when she finally got out of there. She contemplated sending him a text to see if he was home yet but ended up just driving over there. Once there she could tell he wasn't home though. All the lights were off inside, he usually lit his entire apartment up when he was home. She'd never asked him why, she usually just got the light on in the room she would be in and left the rest off. His home was like a light house but it was kind of sweet to see him walk around and turn the lights off when they were going to bed, that was when they weren't in a hurry ripping their clothes off, then he just left the lights on which made it easier for her to sneak out later on.

But she hadn't really done that lately, sneaked out. Thinking about that now made her smile where she sat in the darkness of her car. She brought her phone out and got started on a new message. She wasn't sure what to write though. She thought about something naughty but only came up with little texts that were a bit too crude and she started over. She wrote 'I can't wait to see u. where are you? r u wearing ur belt?' and ended up looking at the text with a silly grin on her face for a few moments contemplating if she could send it like that or not.

She decided she was going to send it but just needed to take a breath first and her eyes just happen to travel down the street where she caught sight of three figures walking towards her. No, not towards her, towards Nick's home, their home. Zara were in the middle, holding on to both her parent's hands and they made an attempt to swing her forward but she was a little too big and Maria couldn't lift as high as Nick. Zara just laughed though, completely pleased with the tiny ride she got and then she let go of her parents and ran ahead down the street stopping only when she got to the stairs leading up to the apartment.

Amanda scooted down in her seat a little as her eyes went back up at Nick and Maria. Nick said something that made Maria laugh or perhaps it was the other way around, they both laughed now.

"C'mon," Zara shouted at them but it was all that Amanda heard. She watched as both Nick and Maria seemed to get a little awkward around each other. Maria checked her watch and gestured a little towards her car that was parked right outside his place. _How could she not have spotted Maria's car earlier?_ Maria looked reluctant but Nick seemed to talk her into coming back inside. He talked her into coming inside, not the other way around. And his hand was on Maria's elbow for a second as he let her pass. The pain she felt on the inside as she watched them walked up the stairs together was more severe than… getting punched in the face. Getting humiliated. Getting shot with a sniper rifle through the shoulder.

As the door closed behind them she couldn't breathe for a second and then ended up pulling a few harsh inhales. She realized she was clutching on to her phone still and hit the 'dismiss' button once she'd made sure her finger was steady enough to not get anywhere near the 'send' button. She saw the lights get turned on in his apartment and she spotted both him and Maria by a window. They turned their heads at the same time and she pictured Zara calling for their attention.

_This was where he belonged. This was where he wanted to be. He wanted a wife, a family, a real home._ She was sure of it, he wanted, needed and deserved so much more than what she could ever give him. She tried to get a grip on her thoughts and her emotions that were just all over the place. Her hand was shaking as she turned the engine on. _She couldn't believe she'd almost sent him a dirty text as he was holding his daughter's hand. What kind of person did that?_

She drove off fighting the tears that was burning behind her eyes. _She wasn't that girl. She did not cry over a boy. Get yourself together Amanda. But why had he lied to her? Why had he said he was having dinner with a friend? Maria wasn't a friend. She was his wife, not even officially his ex yet. She was a past lover, perhaps still a lover. She was so stupid._

Once she got home she felt the walls closing in almost immediately and she got in her running gear without thinking. She was on her way out when she received a text and wasn't sure what to think as it was Nick texting he was just checking in and that he would love to hear from her. _Had Maria left? She could still be there though as he just wrote checking in. What did checking in mean?_

She put the earbuds in, started the playlist she'd made for running and took off. About an hour later when the music got interrupted by another incoming text she chose to ignore it and just kept running. Once back home she checked it and it read 'Are u coming over? I'd love to see u'. She tossed the phone on her bed and headed for the shower. She showered cold, wanting to numb everything. She was done, this love crap wasn't for her.

**She walked in after him** the next morning. Liv was by his desk and Nick hoped that's why Amanda barely looked at him as she shot them a good morning while aiming for her own desk. Fin came in and then Murphy walked out handing out assignments. It had been a rough night it seemed and they had three assaults to look in to. Murphy took Amanda with him to visit a potential rape victim at the hospital, while he told Liv and Nick to check out the second rape claim and Fin got to fly solo on a domestic dispute that to Murphy sounded like a 'cry wolf' kind of case but told Fin to get in touch if he needed back-up or got a hunch it wasn't.

Nick didn't get a chance to catch Amanda before Murphy swept her off but he didn't like the feeling of her avoiding meeting his eyes. _Why hadn't she called or dropped by last night? Had something happen at her meeting? _He was constantly a little worried Nate would suddenly reappear at her meeting even though, according to Amanda, he'd promised to stick to another meeting in another area.

Murphy's instinct about Fin's case turned out to be right which was good cause then he could help out with their case that turned out a little trickier. They had a reluctant victim and would have to do a lot of digging on their own to get anywhere closer to the truth.

Liv and Nick got a rather straight forward case on their hands, the perpetrator was known to the victim but he was in the wind.

Fin and Amanda came back in to the station after lunch to do some digging on the computer and in the database. Murphy was in his office already and Liv came back in too after leaving Nick with their victim to look for more potential address of their mutual friends where the perp could be at. Liv needed to go over some things with Murphy and stepped in to his office.

Fin and Amanda were discussing their case and potential leads when Amanda suddenly went quiet. They'd both had their eyes on their screens so Fin looked up at her when he didn't get an answer. His partner's face had gone completely pale and he followed her gaze over to the gate where he spotted… Maria.

**Maria wasn't an evil woman**. She had a good heart. It was just buried underneath a lot of mixed emotions right now. She knew she fell out of love with her husband. With Nick. It came gradually. A need to distant herself from him as they just became a boring, old couple. And they were still in their thirties back then. They were still young. She was still young. Getting deployed overseas helped her with that distance she needed but instead of longing to go home, away from that awful war and home to a loving husband and a precious daughter, she wanted to get even further away.

And that's how she found herself sharing a bed with a major in Iraq. They'd only slept in the same bed, both in need of holding on to someone after a grueling day out on the field with children among a group of causalities. They had shared a kiss before they'd lain down, and then another one a couple of days later but it ended with that. She could never do that to Nick. But she knew long before she allowed herself to think it that she'd fallen out of love with her husband and their life together.

She tried for a while back home but it didn't work. It wouldn't work. Separating had of course been hard. She had no good reason for why, she couldn't give him any answers to his question 'why?'. A lot of things happen in a short amount of time. The separation, finding another apartment as she didn't want to stay in their old mutual one, and then the job offer in DC. Everything went so fast but she just rolled with it, to Nick's dismay. She realized, looking back, how hard everything had to have been for him. He'd yelled, he'd screamed, he'd fought. But she'd just looked to her own interests.

And her daughter's of course but she'd gone by the motto 'if the mother is happy, the child will be happy'. She knew Zara had missed her dad terribly though, she'd cried so many nights after they'd moved to DC. Maria had just comforted though and carried on, things would get better again she reassured herself as well as her daughter. And it had been. She loved the challenges at work, the power she did have in her position and the independence.

But she'd missed having another adult to come home to, she even missed Nick's mom even though she'd complained about her constant presence in their old life. She'd gone on dates, it had been fun but then she'd find the right one. At least that's what she thought. But then he'd used her, and in front of Nick as well. It had been humiliating. The next one hadn't turned out to be that awesome either and she started to doubt herself.

She doubted if she could ever find a more gentle man than Nick, cause he'd always been gentle. She started to doubt if DC was the right choice for her and when the final divorce papers dropped down her chute she started to doubt if that's what she really wanted. And in the midst of all that the call came of a job offer back in New York.

That's what brought her to town two days ago. She could've brought Zara along to the meeting but she guessed the need to just check in with Nick more than over the phone made her get in touch with him to see if he could take Zara. When he hadn't picked up she'd called Cesaria and she'd felt some excitement as she parked in the nearest slot on his street. She was excited for the job interview but also to catch up with Nick.

That excitement was crushed quickly though as Zara suddenly blurted out 'daddy's home' and when Maria looked up she spotted him immediately, but not only him. That blonde partner of his were walking down the stairs of his apartment right behind him getting her hair tied up and the way he looked at her, the way they looked at each other, spoke volumes to what they'd been up to inside. She didn't get the chance to stop Zara from bolting out and she did her best to collect herself quickly as she had to face them.

Driving away she'd squeezed the wheel hard and she'd felt like both screaming and crying at the same time. She'd done none of it though. She wasn't sure what expression she'd made during the job interview, she'd done her best to relax and seem interested and invested in the firm that was hiring. Nick had been on her mind constantly though.

She couldn't enjoy being in the city on her own. The entire night she'd felt stupid for thinking that there was a chance, that he might want to get back together now after two years apart and the divorce was almost finalized. He was screwing his partner, he'd moved on. _Were they serious? Did he love her? _All these questions had spun around her head the entire night and were still lingering as she pulled up again outside his apartment to fetch Zara.

She got pleasantly surprised though when he agreed to have dinner with them that night as she let him know they would be in town for another few nights. _Maybe he wasn't that invested in this new fling? Maybe it was just casual sex? _He was allowed, they were separated and she'd slept with three guys since she'd left him.

Zara had told her she'd caught them kissing as they said goodbye. It irritated Maria some that Zara seemed so in love with this blonde, southern bell already. Maria had grown some balls since she left Nick and she wasn't going to let this night escape without asking him what was going on with this blonde detective of his. She got a chance once Zara ran over to choose a dessert. He'd seemed a little uncomfortable by the question, asked what her intention was just to ask it. She said she just wanted to know in case she had to buy Zara a Christmas gift to give to her stepmother. The answer seemed to have relaxed him some, oh how she'd missed to see him smile like that.

And the answer had been somewhat uplifting. It appeared to be a casual thing, he insinuated that it was a bit complicated with working on the same squad and everything but since it wasn't serious it was no big deal. To Maria it sounded like she had every chance to jump back in the game if she wanted to but they didn't get any further as Zara came skipping back declaring she wanted both the chocolate cake and a strawberry Sunday. Once she'd given him those pleading puppy eyes of hers Nick hadn't been able to deny her both desserts but added that she would have to give both her mom and dad at least one spoon of each.

That night, watching her daughter sleep in the hotel bed next to her, she was filled with an overwhelming longing to have her family back together. She was a little afraid though that Nick had only tried to spare her feelings earlier. He had said he was really fond of this blonde one right? She hadn't wanted to hear that at the table but he had said it. That it was complicated because he wasn't really allowed to have feelings for her. Everything was really complicated.

No Maria wasn't an evil woman but if she wanted her husband back she would have to fight for him. And with that frame of mind she stepped in to the squad room having left Zara with Cesaria after their lunch together.

**The officer at** the gate let Maria pass as they'd exchanged a few words. He pointed her towards Murphy's office for some reason and Amanda felt cold all over. _Was she here to blow their cover?_

"Hey Maria," Fin said a bit hesitant, he'd never been on a first name basis with the woman but he could tell his partner wasn't jumping in. He wouldn't have to engage in any conversation though as Liv stepped out of Murphy's office saying Maria's name a bit stunned. Of course Liv worried this wasn't a social call. _Was Maria there to file a complaint against her ex? Had Nick's calm demeanor only been a front? Was he still somewhat stalking his wife?_

"Hi Olivia," Maria said smiling, initializing an embrace that Liv leaned in to and tried to return without awkwardness.  
"Fin," Maria said with a nod but then just went by Amanda with her eyes. Fin noticed this of course but Liv was a bit occupied with her slight worry and just focused on Maria.

"What are you doing here? Are you here for Nick?" she tried.  
"Yeah, I guess he's not around though," Maria said.  
"I'm sure he'll be right in, I left him with a witness not long ago but he was driving in right after me," Liv let her know.

"Oh, great, we had dinner last night and I just wanted to thank him for everything," Maria said glancing a little over Liv's shoulder to get a glimpse of the blonde's reaction. Liv looked as though she was about to ask something but Murphy interrupted them. He was relaying some information to Amanda and Fin but piped down when he caught all four of them looking at him.

"Lieutenant Murphy," Liv said, "this is Maria, Nick's…" She wasn't sure what to say and looked a bit awkward as Murphy grabbed Maria's extended hand.  
"Still the wife I guess," Maria said with a smile.  
"Okay, hi," Murphy said, "still the boss I guess."

"Oh so you're in charge now?" Maria said looking back at Liv for a few seconds before she turned her attention back at Murphy.  
"I hope my husband isn't causing you any trouble lieutenant, or the rest of the squad," Maria said looking over Amanda's way. Amanda tried not to cringe but even though her eyes were planted on the desk in front of her she felt the woman's eyes bore in to her. Fin watched the scene play out with troubled eyes.

"No, no they're all good," Murphy said with his usual relaxed tone as he followed Maria's eyes over towards Amanda.  
"Well okay then," Murphy said never having been one that stayed around longer than necessary in awkward situations, "nice to meet you… Maria. And this might be useful for you."

Murphy handed Fin a post-it on his way back to his office.

"So second in command now?" Maria asked turning her attention back to Liv. Liv nodded still feeling a bit puzzled why Maria was there and what on earth caused this bizarre scene.

"Maria?"

Nick's voice suddenly rang out behind their backs.

"Hi, Nick," Maria smiled and then wrapped her arms around his neck to greet him.  
"Is Zara here?" Nick asked looking around a little worried. He was afraid she would say something that would expose him and Amanda. He couldn't see his daughter anywhere near Amanda though. Amanda kept her head down. _Why did she look so timid?_ He then realized he still had his ex's arms around him and he pulled out of her embrace.  
"No, she's with your mom, they're waiting for me," Maria smiled at him.

"Uhm, then what are you doing here?" he asked a bit confounded once he was able to get out of her grip.  
"I was just telling Olivia about our nice dinner last night, and I met lieutenant Murphy," Maria smiled wrapping her arm around Nick's waist as she took a place next to him. Nick wasn't sure what to do and awkwardly ended up putting his arm around her too.

"Murphy? Why would you want to meet him?" Nick said and Liv threw him a frown but then went back to looking a bit stumped.  
"Oh sweetheart, why would I not want to meet your boss?" Maria said and both Nick and Liv shot her a stunned look.  
"Sweetheart?" Liv blurted out. She had no idea what was going on. _Had they reconciled? Was that why Nick had been in such a good and cooperative mood lately?_

Maria didn't answer at first but just smiled brightly at Liv and then at Nick as she placed her palm on his chest.

"Well I'm going to spend more time in town from now on, I got a job lined up and I'll probably end up moving back so why not give it another try?" Maria smiled turning back to Liv again as Nick felt like all blood left his body in an instance.  
"Oh?" Liv said.

"Yes and it's not like he's seeing anyone else is there? It would almost be a crime if he did right?" she said and Nick's eyes tried to seek out Amanda's but her face was turned down and had been since he walked in.  
"I mean we're not even divorced yet," Maria added making Nick at least able to take another breathe.

Fin had already reached his limit of bitchiness a while ago but stayed seated and silent to not put his partner in an even more awkward situation but now he couldn't take it any longer. He only saw the top of his partner's head but knew she was slowly dying on the inside.

"Let's go seek out this witness Murphy dug up for us," he said a bit too loud so that everyone would hear him and he gestured at his partner. She quickly got up out of her chair, surprised her legs carried her, and then took the long way around their desks, ended up by Fin's side and he helped her along by staying on her right flank, between her and the obstacle, as they passed the other three.

"Bye," he said after Amanda had mumbled it and then bore his eyes into Nick. _How and why the hell had Nick all of a sudden wrapped his ex back around his finger when he was screwing his partner?_ Fin was angry but right now wanted to focus on his partner. She seemed very rattled.

"Let's get a beer," he said when she waited for him to move towards his or her car.  
"What about the witness?" she asked a little confused.  
"There's no witness, I just said that to get us out of there," Fin said. Amanda bit down on the inside of her lip so the tears that were already threatening behind her eyes wouldn't spill. She tried to smile at her partner, she treasured him so very much.  
"C'mon partner," he said putting a hand on her shoulder guiding her across the street to the nearest bar.

**Inside the station** Nick had distant himself from Maria, starting to feel angry about her presence there but still a little afraid she would say something to Liv in case he showed her that. He'd never seen her full blown vindictive side but he'd seen signs of it in the past. He listen to Maria and Liv exchange another few words but he could tell Liv picked up on his impatience and she excused herself as soon as she was able to.

Nick tried to keep his calm as he escorted Maria out of there. He hoped Fin and Amanda had taken off and felt relieved when he couldn't spot them outside.

"What's going on?" Maria asked a bit offended as he brought her to the side of the entrance by her arm.  
"What's going on is that I don't appreciate you coming in to my place at work and act… well like you just did," he said having a hard time to find the right words as he was upset. By Amanda's demeanor Maria had clearly upset her and he didn't like that.

"Act how, I just came here to thank you for dinner last night," Maria said acting innocent.  
"Yeah right," Nick huffed.  
"Oh, so what was I doing?" she said crossing her arms in front of her in a defensive move.  
"You know what you were doing Maria," Nick challenged as he didn't want to call his ex out on it. She gave him a provocative look though and forced his hand.

"You came here to cause trouble for me and Amanda," he said lowering his voice so no one who might walk outside would hear them.  
"How… why would…," Maria started but couldn't find a good way to defend herself, "You said it was complicated between the two of you, how could I know it really was serious."  
"Cause I told you that last night. Yes I said it was complicated but I also said I was very fond of her and I wanted it to work out even though it was complicated. Maybe I should've been even more forthright but I was trying to spare your feelings," Nick said.

"_My_ feelings? What about yours? You sat outside my apartment in DC just months ago, you were the one that came to me saying you wanted me and Zara back," Maria said not able to hide her frustration any longer.  
"That was months ago Maria, and I was going through a confusing time. I wanted my family back, as it was, before, but I realized it was gone. And you made that very clear once you called Liv to tell her I was stalking you."

"But I'm ready now Nick, I can move back to New York now, we can start over," she said trying to reach his face but he immediately pulled away.  
"You don't want that Maria," Nick sighed.  
"But I do," Maria tried but stopped when she saw Nick shake his hand.

"You want what you can't have, it's always been like that with you. You wanted a big church wedding even though we couldn't afford it, and then you wanted a nice apartment so you could show it off to your college friends. Then it was 2,5 children and a dog but you realized how hard that was, we kept Zara but the dog went back to the pound. You wanted to be a housewife and then you didn't. It was always something new, something improved. I was never enough for you Maria, what makes you think I could be a second time around?"

"I could…" she tried but couldn't come up with anything. She knew he was right.  
"I _love_ Amanda, Maria. She's what _I_ want now. I can't have you jeopardizing that. Do you get that?" he asked boring his eyes in to her. She nodded. She felt stupid and foolish, and yes a bit humiliated but she deserved that. When Nick saw the remorse on her face he backed off. He ended up taking a step back, leaning against the hard stone wall as he took a few deep breaths. Nothing more than a silent 'I'm sorry' from Maria's lips was said and Nick went back up and the minute he sat down at his desk he tried to get in touch with Amanda. She didn't pick up so he sent her a text to please get in touch with him.

**She walked in** alongside Fin about an hour later. They both looked very relaxed but Nick saw Amanda's face tense up the moment she laid eyes on him. He approached her quickly. Fin gave him a harsh look and stayed nearby.

"Can we talk?" Nick asked her keeping his voice low.  
"Not now," she said quickly and passed him to get to her desk. Both Fin and Amanda got to work, Murphy had handed Fin a note with some interesting bits from their victim's medical report and they had to have a closer look at the entire report.

Nick had a harder time to focus on his and Liv's case since his heart was still racing and he just had such a bad feeling about how Amanda was handling Maria's behavior earlier. And he also realized she now knew he'd been out to dinner with her and he just feared Amanda was thinking the worst. He had to head out with Liv a little later and when he came back to the station he learnt Murphy had sent Amanda and Fin home.

He tried calling her but she still wasn't picking up. He had to talk to her though so he drove by her place. He managed to get inside her building and started knocking on her door. When she didn't answer her door he tried both knocking and the phone again. He couldn't hear the phone inside her apartment but he knew she was sneaky so he wasn't convinced she wasn't in there.

Finally a neighbor popped his head out and looked annoyed by Nick's constant knocking and he realized he had to stop. He went out to sit in his car and he stayed outside her building for well over two hours hoping he would catch her coming back from a run. He tried to call her every fifteen minutes and sent numerous texts. He realized he'd crossed the line of stalking and decided to give her a break. It didn't stop him from driving around for another hour in her neighborhood hoping to spot her somewhere.

Driving back home a small hope rose that he would find her sitting on his stairs but he wasn't that lucky. No Amanda on his stairs or her car on his street. He tried making himself some dinner but really wasn't in the mood to eat so most of it remained on his plate. He'd sent one more text while cooking and then sent one more as he headed to bed. He prayed a good night's sleep would at least make her talk to him in the morning.

Amanda managed to stay away though, her case kept her out most of the day. Liv and Nick wrapped their case up, their suspect had been caught and confessed rather quickly when they had him in interrogation. Liv picked up on Nick being a bit absentminded though, he told her he'd just slept badly. She asked if it had anything to do with Maria and he gave her a wishy-washy answer, it did have something to do with Maria so it wasn't a complete lie. Liv asked him if they were getting back together but then Nick said absolutely not and Liv dropped the subject sensing it angered him.

Liv then instead moved over to the subject of Murphy. Apparently he'd been offered another undercover assignment and had walked away earlier today leaving SVU in her hands again. Nick was a bit stunned but would've probably been able to enjoy the fact his nemesis was gone more if he wasn't on such a rocky path with Amanda right now.

"Does Rollins know?" he asked Liv.  
"Yeah I told her and Fin before they headed out earlier," Liv said and then added; "Why?" as she spotted the face Nick made.

"No I just, I mean they seemed to work well together," Nick said trying to act causal.  
"Which you two didn't," Liv said watching her words a little. Nick threw her a look.  
"He was a prick," Nick said not able to stay quiet. Liv watched him a little but didn't say anything. She still had no idea what that blow-up about a month ago was about. Nick had said some very harsh things but Murphy had told her to just drop it, that he would handle it. She wasn't sure he had handled it though.

"You'll do a much better job running this squad," Nick mumbled derailing towards his desk.  
"Thanks?" Liv said a bit amused and smiled when Nick threw her a glance over his shoulder.  
"You know what I mean," he said trying to smile back.

**Later on** Fin and Amanda finally came back in to the station. They had a few more leads and since Liv had told Nick he was now working their case with them he more or less forced Amanda to fill him in. When he tried changing the subject to personal stuff Fin cut in though, and with a bit of a reprimanding tone he told Nick to stay on the case and leave what was private outside the squad room. Nick shot him an annoyed look but backed off when Fin shot him an even fiercer look. Amanda had just stayed quiet, holding her breath during their brief exchange.

Nick got a chance later on though as he saw Amanda heading for the back rooms and he followed her down to the ladies room. He gave her about a minute but then stepped inside as he knew no one else was in there. She stepped out of a booth a few seconds after he'd entered, hesitated on her step but then proceeded across the room to wash her hands.

"It's called the ladies room for a reason," she said. He bit his cheek to not say something about her not acting like a lady. Right now he was feeling mostly angry and he knew that wasn't a good ground to start an argument on. He tried searching inside for that sadness or fear instead.

"I had dinner with her yes," he started, "but it was just because Zara wanted us to."  
"Whatever," Amanda said flippant, "I don't care who you have dinner with."  
"You should, and I think you do," he said and got a cross glance from her through the mirror.  
"I don't know what Maria thought or what she got in her head but she had no right coming here, and I told her that. I repeated what I told her during our dinner, that I'm very fond of you and that it's you I want to be with."

He tried to ignore her eye rolls and frowns as he spoke.

"Amanda you have to believe me," he said taking a few steps towards her as she'd walked away a bit to fetch some paper towels.  
"I don't _have_ to do anything," she said with her back still turned towards him, "And you can do whatever you want Nick. Have dinner with whoever you want to, I don't care."

She'd tossed the paper towels in the bin and turned to face him. She raised an eyebrow as to ask if he got it and then made an attempt to get past him. He moved sideways though and blocked her way.

"Really?" she said looking like she didn't like this childish behavior of his. He thought she was acting just as childish though but tried to see beyond that, to the insecurities he knew lingered behind those blue eyes of hers and that heart of hers that she for some, still unknown to him, reason protected with everything she had.

"Amanda, please talk to me," he begged.  
"There's nothing to talk about Nick," she said but the fact she avoided to look at him told him there was.  
"Amanda," he said reaching out his hand. He withdrew it though as her entire being signaled she would bite it off if he came too close right now.

"Look Nick," she said trying her best to let her eyes stay connected with his, "it was fun, no doubt about it but you should go back to her or find someone who can give you all of that."  
"I don't want her, I want you. And all of what?"  
"All that kids and family and mush," she rambled a bit, "You want all that and you should be able to get all that. It's fine really. I get it."

He just stared at her forcing her to look back up at him because of course she'd failed to keep her eyes on him. She played unknowing though and made an attempt to get past him again. This time when he stepped in front of her she kept going though making them bump in to each other and then she used the palms of her hands to force him backwards a bit. When they reached the door though he put both his foot and his hand on the door frame, hindering her path.

"Let me go Nick," she said, her tone very malicious. She refused to look at him though.  
"Don't do this to us," Nick begged. Amanda shook her head and looked at him.  
"There's no _us_ Nick. It's you, and it's me, there has never been an us," she said and now he started shaking his head at her.  
"Amanda please don't," he said doing his best to keep his voice low but he felt a bit of a panic inside which made it hard. She forced herself past him and out through the door. He managed to grab a hold of her arm before she got too far from the door though. The look she gave him was just as malicious as her tone of voice.

"Let me go Nick," she hissed.  
"Never," he said putting a very metaphoric touch to their conversation.

"It's not up to you," she said and pulled her arm out of his grip. He tried catching her again but she hurried back to the squad room and he had to stop as they reached the open area. Amanda hurried to have a seat at her desk as Nick stopped at his but he didn't sit down but just stared at her. Fin looked between the two but neither would return his glances. Amanda looked down and Nick kept looking at her.

Liv came out with a note pad in her hands.

"Okay so we need to…" she started but stopped as she picked up on the strange vibe.  
"What's going on?" she said aiming it at Nick as he looked very flustered, close to angry.  
"I need some air," he said grabbing his jacket roughly and stormed out not looking back.

"What…" Liv started but got shrugs from both Amanda and Fin.  
"Gee," Liv sighed and then walked back in to her office. Murphy hadn't even been gone a day and she was already loosing grip on the squad.

"What's going on with him?" Fin asked Amanda once Liv was back in, yet again, her office.  
"Don't ask me," Amanda said shrugging without looking back at him. Fin tilted his head and sighed. They were back to the playground again and he feared that they were here to stay this time around.

**Nick didn't go** outside, instead he headed down to the gym and once he'd blew some steam on the punching back he came back up. He immediately headed into Liv's office and apologized for storming out. She looked surprised but pleased with his apology and let him know everything was fine between them. Things were obviously not fine between him and Amanda but he realized pushing her was not the way to get around it. Punching the bag he had decided to step off just for a while, he wouldn't give up, he would just try another approach.

So he didn't call her that night, he did however drive by her place but fought the urge to stop and park across from her building. He'd driven by just because he wanted to lay eyes on her. He missed her. He told her that in a text later on and added that he wasn't giving up but would give her some space.

The next day he tried to focus on the case at hand and that meant working alongside her. It annoyed him slightly that she seemed perfectly fine with it while all he could think off while standing next to her was how good she smelled or how much he wanted to stroke those soft hairs on her arm that he saw while glancing over her way. Just the thought of her not having the same urges towards him any longer hurt immensely. _Could she really just turn off her feelings for him like that? Had she ever had feelings for him?_

He got a chance to walk out right after her after shift and tried to catch her by her car.

"C'mon Amanda let's talk," he said trying to not sound too desperate.  
"There's nothing to talk about Nick," she said trying to get inside her car but once inside he held on to her door so she couldn't drive away.

"Nick," she warned.  
"Amanda," he just countered forcing her to face him.

"I told you from the get-go Nick, I'm not girlfriend material, absolutely not wife material, so let's just call this off. It was fun, it was what it was," she tried.  
"I don't want to call this off, I didn't expect anything from you. I was fine with how things were going," Nick said getting a little worked up.

"_Were_ going is the key word, it's over Nick, I don't want to lose my job," she tried sounding careless but the truth was her inside were slowly crumbling now. Those pleading eyes of his, she could see she was hurting him and it, for some fucked up reason, hurt her too.

"Maria's gone," he blurted out, "If that's what the problem is, she didn't get the job here in New York so she won't move her and even if, I don't want her. I want you Amanda."  
"You can't have me though, if I thought you could handle just sex then fine, we could do that but that's not what you're about…"

"What am I about, please tell me," Nick cut in.  
"I saw you the other night," Amanda said, "I saw how happy you looked with Zara in your hand and, if not Maria, well then someone who can be a wife to you, a mother. That's what you want and I can't give that to you. I'm sorry Nick."

She started the car and then got the car in gear to be able to slowly start to roll. He let the door go and she took off once she'd shut it.

_So she'd seen him._ _She'd been outside his place perhaps. She'd seen him with Maria and Zara, and yes he'd been happy. He'd been happy cause spending time with his daughter made him happy but he'd also been happy because he'd figured he would see her, see Amanda, later that night. But now everything had changed drastically. And he didn't feel happy any longer, he felt miserable. For himself but also for her. He knew how hurtful it was to see someone you loved with someone else and imagining them together. He'd been there. She had nothing to worry about though and he needed her to know that. But how could he tell her that when she wouldn't give him even a second to explain himself. Why hadn't he just been upfront and let her know he was having dinner with Maria. Then maybe all of this could've been avoided._

**The following days** the case kept them busy. He tried to catch her after work but she managed to sneak away every single day and then he never got a hold of her. She wasn't at home, at least she wasn't opening her door. He stopped by AJ's restaurant but find neither AJ or Amanda there. According to Gavin Amanda had been by the other night but not tonight. Nick did his best to just stay above the surface, to breathe and keep hoping it would all work out. She needed time, a bit of space but he wouldn't give up. Not yet. Not ever.

While her squad was out Liv was trying to get a good overview on the cases that were going to court in the following weeks. She'd sat down with Barba earlier that day and gone over them. He'd asked her to get the detectives ready to testify and they would have to stop by his office to make sure they knew what to say and what he would ask.

She was trying really hard to not feel overwhelmed this time around, this time she would take it step by step and she would succeed. _This could work _she thought as she saw the layout on her desk. Taking a deep breath and looking up though she caught a familiar face out by the gate.

Liv got up and hurried outside.

"Doctor Olivet," she called out and the psychiatrist looked over immediately getting a smile across her face as she saw Liv's familiar face.  
"Sergeant Benson I've heard is the right way to address you these days, congratulation," Elizabeth Olivet smiled as she extended her hand towards Liv.

"Thank you, it's so nice to see you doctor, it's been ages," Liv said squeezing her hand fondly.  
"Elizabeth please," the doctor smiled.

"What brings you here? You wanted to see me?" Liv asked. The doctor's eyes moved across the squad room a little as she spoke.  
"I was actually hoping to catch detective Rollins but I was told she's out."  
"Yes, yes she is," Liv said a bit concerned, "let's step into my office for a bit." The doctor followed her inside and Liv closed the door behind her.

"Why are you looking for Amanda? Didn't she show up for her sessions?" Liv asked feeling a bit worried, and a bit cross with herself for not following up on that. Again she felt as though she dropped the ball.  
"Oh no she showed up, for her first two sessions at least but then she missed the third, the last one and I haven't been able to reach her, I thought if I cornered her she wouldn't be able to… well slip through my grasp," the doctor added a smile at the end to lighten the mood.  
"I know what you mean," Liv said having picked up on Amanda's knack to wriggle her way out of situations or to basically fly under the radar.

"Was there, I mean did something come up during the first two sessions that made her… maybe want to skip another one," Liv tried to not sound too nosey. Elizabeth studied her for a few seconds without answering. Liv recognized the look, doctor Lindstrom gave it to her often.  
"It's the doctor patient confidential agreement but I guess since you are her boss now right…" she waited to say anything else until Liv had nodded, "And since the two first sessions went really well, at least from my point of view, I find it a bit strange that she didn't show up. I just wanted to make sure she was doing okay."

"From what I know she seems fine. I haven't had time to check in with her but she's doing her job well and… she seems fine," Liv told the doctor.  
"And I'm sure she is, I just really want to complete our mandatory visits," Elizabeth smiled and turned a little towards the door as to signal she was heading out of there.  
"Of course, and…" Liv couldn't let the opportunity go by, "you think more sessions would be good for her?"

"Well I am a psychiatrist and of course I promote therapy," Elizabeth smiled again and Liv had to smile too.  
"But Amanda…" Liv said taking them back to serious quickly, "Would she benefit from it?"  
"What are you asking sergeant?" Elizabeth asked still with a hint of a smile on her face.  
"I guess I'm just wondering if you've talked about anything that isn't in the file. If you discussed what's not in there?"

Judging by the narrowing of the doctor's eyes Liv got a feeling she didn't know what she was talking about.

"We've discussed the trauma of having a gun pointed at your head and some other things surrounding that case…" the doctor said a bit cryptically.  
"Please if you get the chance ask her about what's not in the file," Liv said hoping she wasn't breaking what little trust the detective might have in her.

"I will but then I have to get her back in my office first," Elizabeth said smiling again.  
"Of course," Liv said nodding, "I'll make sure she gets in touch with you."  
"Thank you sergeant," the doctor said reaching for the door.  
"I'm the one that's grateful," Liv said after her. Once she'd left Liv took a deep breath. She didn't look forward to confronting Amanda but she would, and in a calm and compassionate manner she promised herself.

**After shift that day** Liv decided to buy her small squad a beer. They'd caught a suspect in their current case even though they had a non-compliant victim and it looked as though they could win her over finally. Amanda had done a good job convincing her and Fin and Nick had got the suspect to confess to, if not the entire crime, parts of the crime. It was a job well done and Liv would make sure she made her squad know this.

Amanda had needed a bit of convincing to come out with them but Fin had helped win her over. Liv was worried it had something to do with the fact she'd confronted her about missing a session with doctor Olivet. Amanda had said she'd completely forgot being wrapped up in the current case and all and Liv had no reason to mistrust her. Liv just wanted to make sure she got there for the third and final mandatory session. Amanda promised she would call Olivet.

They'd been at the bar for close to two hours. Everything ran smoothly in Liv's eyes. Sure both Nick and Amanda seemed a little disconnected but she figured the stress of the case might just have gotten to them. Fin talked for all of them though.

Nick just focused on trying to keep up with the conversation at the table while not letting his eyes wander over at Amanda. What he most of all wanted was just to talk to her, that she would just listen to him and not come with all those stupid excuses. _Not being girlfriend material? What kind of joke was that? She was gorgeous, fun to be around, she loved sports, was dedicated to her work and she loved sex even more than he did. That mix, to him, was the best girlfriend material he could think off._

Amanda had a constant panic in her gut and it took every ounce of effort in her to try and keep up a composed front. It took a lot of strength to try and zoom out that constant nagging voice, sounding freakily like her mother's voice, in the back of her head. The one that told her she was stupid and a failure. _She felt so very alone. She had Fin of course, he was her constant but now Murphy had left and Liv was back in charge. She'd missed a session with Olivet and of course Liv had found out. It was just a matter of time before she would be on Liv's bad side again. _

_And Nick… she'd screwed that up. Of course. She couldn't focus on anything right now and because of what… a guy? That wasn't her. _

That was her mom. Totally devastated over yet another guy that had left her even though she'd tried so hard to make it work. She'd cooked, cleaned and done his laundry. She'd showered him with compliments and 'I love you's and for what? To be left in a blubbering pile of tears, snot and booze. It didn't matter if the guy was a creep, what he'd done to either her mom or her kids. Always the tears and days, at times weeks, of grieving.

No that wasn't Amanda. She could function without a guy. She was independent, self-sufficient and not in need of anyone. _So why did this feel so awful? Why did Nick avoiding to look at her feel so bad? _

Liv was keeping track of how many beers that had gone down her blonde detective's throat. She knew she was head to head with Fin, and she knew better than to judge. But she also knew there was a rather big difference in body mass between the two. While Liv had sat there, trying her best to be the good and committed boss she wanted to be, and thought everything ran smoothly she'd suddenly lost track of her youngest detective.

"Woh," Liv said a bit stunned once her eyes found her over at the bar. Both Nick's and Fin's eyes followed her gaze and landed on Amanda but not just Amanda but also the guy she'd locked lips with. They weren't exactly modest either. Amanda's hands were up in the guy's hair while his hands were roaming her lower back and ass.

"Not that I object… kissing, but has she had a little too much to drink?" Liv said turning to Fin on her left. She tried to keep it discreet but she was concerned.  
"I'll handle it," Fin said after having shot Nick a quick glance. Liv got up so Fin could get out of his seat. Liv shot Nick a look as she sat back down, his eyes were glued to the scene at the bar though.

"Hey," Fin said trying to get her attention but she was rather absorbed to say the least.  
"Amanda, hey," he said louder now at least gaining the guy's attention.  
"What?" he asked sounding about as dumb-ass as he looked in Fin's eyes. But then again he was rather sure Amanda hadn't picked him for his intelligence.

"I was talking to the lady," Fin said.  
"Well she's busy," he grinned and looked as though he was about to lock lips with Amanda again.  
"Dude," Fin said but then grabbed a hold of Amanda's shoulder to get her to look at him.

"What the fuck…" the guy started but Amanda patted his chest a little.  
"What do you want Fin?" she asked. He could tell by her eyes and slurred speech she was drunker than he'd been aware off.  
"We want you back at the table," Fin said.  
"Yeah right," Amanda snickered, "I'm not sitting back down with those two. They hate me. I rather stay somewhere where I'm loved."

Amanda turned back around with a smile and the guy wasted no time claiming her mouth again. Amanda had to give it to him, he was a really good kisser. Not at Nick's standard but still good.

Fin wasn't really sure what to do but got a little help from the bartender.

"Hey you drink at the bar or scram," he said as he put two new beers in front of the two making out. Both Amanda and the guy chuckled but at least they let each other go.

"Why don't you come with me," Fin suggested as Amanda tasted her beer. Fin had a hard time keeping his eyes on Amanda as the guy was giving him creepy smiles behind her back and his hand sneaked down inside the back of her pants. Amanda seemed totally unaware which angered Fin even more.

"I'm fine right here Fin," she said.  
"You're drunk," he said.  
"We're at a bar," she said rolling her eyes.

"If this is about Nick…" Fin started but she cut him off.  
"This is not about a guy," she said sounding offended.  
"What about me?" the guy jumped in and made Amanda giggle. Fin hated that girlish, phony giggle. He could stand it whenever she used it to lure a perp but like this it hit him like nails on a chalkboard.

"Are we okay here?" Liv's voice suddenly interrupted.  
"Yeah," Fin said as he watched Amanda straighten up. Liv shot her a look but didn't say anything to her. Liv felt a little uncomfortable at the situation, she wasn't sure how to handle this as a boss. Once it looked as though Fin had a handle on the situation, it had played out a little differently watching it from a far, she figured she should get out of there to spare Amanda any embarrassment. She just wanted to make sure though that Fin had it under control.

"I got her," Fin said seeing the question in Liv's eyes, "Thanks for tonight boss."

She'd grabbed her jacket so Fin just assumed she was on her way out. He could understand her predicament.

"Night Fin," Liv said sending him a smile and a brief squeeze on his arm, "Night Amanda." She exchanged a quick glance with Amanda. Amanda gave her a nod. Fin could tell she'd sobered up quickly and the guy's arm were no longer around her back. Liv headed out and Amanda exhaled, something she hadn't been able to do since she'd heard her boss' voice. _What was she doing?_

It didn't take long once Liv had left until Nick forced his way towards the bar. Fin saw him coming and just knew this would be ugly. He tried to brace Nick by holding up his hands but Nick was determined. He grabbed Amanda by the arm, Fin saw her flinch and knew it must've hurt some. He knew that if Nick became violent he would not hesitate to have Amanda's back but as Nick immediately let go Fin step a little to the side hoping they could solve this on their own.

"Come outside with me," Nick asked as she turned a little towards him.  
"I got nothing to say to you," she said turning back. Nick met the eyes of the guy standing next to her. Nick had seen him glancing his way ever since Nick stepped up and now the guy snickered a little as he put his arm around her shoulders.

"Get your hands off her," Nick close to shouted.  
"What's your problem man?" the guy said acting all innocent.

"Leave me be Nick," Amanda said sensing trouble in the air. She turned all the way around towards him and away from the bar making the guy's arm fall off her. He turned too though apparently wanting his part in this which didn't help Nick calm down one bit.

"Just move on Nick," Amanda said slurring a little.  
"Yeah move on Nick," the guy next to her mimicked.

"Who are you?" Nick said getting in his face a little. The guy wasn't slow to respond.  
"Seems I'm your replacement," he snickered and Fin took a deep breath as he got ready to jump in. If Nick didn't punch this obnoxious guy he would.

"You? I didn't think anyone could be as dumb as you looked but I was apparently wrong. If you believe you deserve her then your teeth are brighter than you are," Nick hissed.

Amanda couldn't help but let out a brief chuckle but then she remembered why she was doing this. This was to get Nick to realize she wasn't worth his time and she stepped between the two.

"Look Nick, I'm sorry but I'm just not the girl for you," she said.  
"You don't get to decide that," he said sounding less angry but more desperate as he addressed her.  
"Well I do actually, I decide who I want to be with and right now it's this guy," she said taking a step back ending up in the other guy's arms. Nick shook his head looking a bit desperate but there was also a flare in his dark eyes as he watched the guy grope her in front of him.

"Get your hands off her," Nick said slapping away his hand off her breast. Emotions flared for a few seconds as the two men, if you could call the obnoxious guy a man, looked ready to get into a fight. Fin would've let Nick loose if it weren't for the fact his partner was in the middle of the two and she didn't look sober enough to defend herself at the moment. Fin got in front of her and boxed Nick backwards. Nick tried to get passed him but Fin used his large frame to get him out of there.

"Fin I have to…" Nick said out of breath once out on the curb but he couldn't finish the sentence. He'd gestured back inside but his hand fell down to his side. He looked defeated.  
"Another day my friend, let me deal with her tonight," Fin said. Nick watched him for a few long seconds.  
"Make sure she doesn't do anything she'll regret," Nick then said quietly as he backed away.  
"I will," Fin reassured him.

Nick lingered long enough to see his back disappear inside again. He wanted to go inside but he knew he couldn't take seeing her with that guy. _Why was she doing this? Why did she have to destroy the good thing they had? _He turned and started to walk down the street away from this whole awful situation he knew he'd helped to create.

Once back inside Fin found that the guy and Amanda had moved a little further down the bar. The guy had apparently found a chair and Amanda was more or less sitting in his lap. Fin made his way over to them.

"Let's go Amanda," Fin said.  
"Man how many guys do you have swooning over you?" the guy joked and Amanda chuckled, "I'm not sure I have the strength to fight many more off."  
"Well you better save some energy for me," Amanda said flirting viciously.  
"Oh don't you worry," the guy grinned and caught her mouth.

"Amanda," Fin said sternly.  
"What the fuck…" the guy complained as he let Amanda's mouth go.  
"It's okay, this one's no problem," Amanda said getting down of the guys lap with a reassuring hand on his chest. She turned to Fin with a bright smile over her entire face.

"I'm fine Fin," she said, "You know I'm a big girl and I'm exactly where I want to be."

Her eyes were half way hidden by her eyelids though, Fin recognized the visual signs of intoxication. He wasn't surprised, she hadn't eaten well this entire week. She patted Fin's chest a bit sloppily and were about to turn back to the guy when Fin made her turn back around as he said her name again.

"You're right, you are a big girl," he said seriously, "And I'm talking to you as an adult now. I'm not your dad. I am a friend however and I'm asking you to wise up. You can lie to yourself all you want but you can't lie to me. I'm giving you an option here, you can stay with this slob or you can come with me right now. I will only ask you once but I'm really hoping you'll decide to walk out of here with me, right now."

He looked at her seriously. Most of all he wanted to just carry her out of there but he knew that would only leave her in another situation just like this further down the line. It was up to her to change her ways, he could only offer an opportunity to do so, she would have to walk the walk. Amanda's eyes had for a moment completely disappeared underneath her eyelids as she'd lowered her head. Fin saw the guy behind her, he was saying something but neither he nor Amanda heard him, Amanda felt his hand snake around her hip though. It was not the touch of the man she wanted to be touched by. She looked back up at Fin, he saw a glimmer in her eyes. He knew she was too stubborn for her own good.

"Do you want to get out of here with me?" he asked once more even though he'd said he would only ask that one time. She nodded though and he grabbed her shoulder, dragging her first against him and then pushed her passed him. The guy got up off his chair and reached for her but Fin got in the way, opening his jacket a little and the guy caught sight of his badge and immediately backed off.

"Wise up won't you? And get a better barber for Christ sake," Fin said before turning to head out after Amanda. He caught her by the door and helped her get it open. She swayed stepping out on the curb and he grabbed a hold of her to keep her upright. He waved down a cab quickly and got her inside. He let her rest her head against his chest as they drove towards his place. No one said anything, he just held his arm around her and let his other hand gently stroke the side of her head.

Once the cab reached its destination he paid and then helped her outside. He got her upstairs, got her shoes off and then led her straight to the bathroom. He left her there for a few minutes, leaving the door open so he could hear if she fell over and then went out to fetch some sheets for his couch. She was more than welcomed to sleep in his bed, they'd shared a bed before but with alcohol in both systems it was really a gamble. They'd been close to doing the deed in the past, they were both very sexual beings and even though he was rather sure their partnership could survive such a mishap the situation had changed drastically now that she'd hooked up with Nick. Fin did not want to be added to whatever it was going on there. No she would sleep on the couch from now on to keep the temptation at bay for both of them.

He heard a familiar sound from the bathroom just as he was done dressing the couch. He hurried back inside to find her hunched down over the toilet bowl. Her hair was thankfully already tied back but he stroke her bangs back feeling the dampness of her forehead.

"Oh boo," he sighed as he got up to wet a towel to use on her face. She threw up one more time and was left dry heaving over the bowl until he got down next to her.  
"I hate puking," she whispered as her head popped up.  
"I know," he said using the towel gently over her face.

"Hold this while I get you some water," he said handing her the towel as he got back up again. He let her rinse her mouth a few times and then just sat there with her for a while until they were sure she wouldn't puke more. When he thought she was completely done he got her up on shaky legs. He got her out of there, stopped in the bedroom to get her into one of his tees. She helped out as well as she could getting undressed and then he quickly pulled the tee over her head. He got her out to the couch and tucked her in. He got her two glasses of water and put them on the table along with two Alka-Seltzer tablets for the morning as well as a box of crackers. It was his own hang-over cure and he hoped it would work for her in the morning.

She looked really small and pitiful tucked down on his couch. She didn't say anything but her eyes spoke volumes.

"Go to sleep partner, it will look brighter in the morning I promise," he said as he kept stroking the side of her head. He watched her close her eyes and started moving his hand slower and even gentler until he could see her entire body relax as she drifted to sleep.  
"Sleep well partner," he whispered as he planted a kiss on her head and slowly moved away from the couch.

**Things didn't look** that much brighter the next morning though. Sure the sun was brighter than usual and hurt her eyes immensely but once the hung-over symptoms started to disappear nothing seemed bright any longer. They thankfully didn't have to be in until later that day and thankfully Amanda was rather good at covering how bad she really felt. Years of gambling into the late night, drinking and smoking meanwhile, meant she had experience of pretend to be anything but worn down. Her eyes could give her away at times though, they couldn't hide the truth.

But when you felt ashamed as well it was rather easy to keep your head down which Amanda felt forced to walking back into the station. Liv of course seemed extra interested in her state this new day and of course she had to remind Amanda to call doctor Olivet. Nick wouldn't even look at her though. He didn't look hurt any longer, he just looked angry. His jaw was set which made his entire face look as though it was cut out of stone. It showed of his good features though and her eyes peeked his way ever so often.

She no longer found any missed calls on her phone, no texts either. She tried to pretend she was happy about that though. It was after all what she'd wanted, she'd wanted him to find his happiness somewhere else. She wanted nothing but the best for him and she knew that she, sooner or later, would not be able to give him what he wanted in life.

Somehow she managed to get in touch with doctor Olivet though and they made arrangements for her third, and final as Amanda pointed out, session later that week. Olivet could tell from the moment Amanda walked in to her office that she was tense, that she seemed wired up. Once she'd finally taken her seat on the couch Olivet noticed how hard it was for her to sitstill, like she couldn't find a comfortable spot to sit in. She was fidgeting with her hands as well.

Olivet spent the first part of the session just trying to connect with Amanda who seemed very reluctant to talk about… well anything. Olivet got flashbacks from her very first encounter with Amanda, she'd acted somewhat the same back then but had a more aggressive tone. Back then she made it very clear she didn't want to, and didn't need, to be there. This time though Olivet got a feeling that she, even with the restlessness in her body and her short answers, wanted to be there and perhaps it was something she wanted to get off her chest.

"Last session we touched a little on how you seem to need adrenalin rushes," Olivet said carefully, "Remember?" She got Amanda to look up briefly and she nodded.  
"You said that you liked that kick, that rush you get when blood is pumping and especially when you manage to bring a perp down. Is that something you remember from your childhood? Not taking down perps, I hope," Olivet made Amanda smile briefly, "but the adrenalin rushes. Did you have that need even before joining the force?"

She had to wait for the answer, almost to the point she didn't think Amanda would answer, but then she finally answered by nodding.

"Can you tell me about that?" Olivet asked. Amanda took a deep breath and seemed to float into the couch a little more relaxed.  
"I was the kid that would jump off a roof with an umbrella because no one else dared to try if it really worked. It doesn't by the way," Amanda said and made Olivet smile this time around.

"And I competed a lot, like everything was a competition."  
"Was it the rush you were after or the win?" Olivet asked and could tell Amanda thought hard about it.  
"A little bit of both I guess. It was hard to win at times cause I competed with... like the boys or older kids, but just to be able to do it was enough to please me since everyone always told me I couldn't or that I shouldn't."

"That you couldn't compete with the boys?" Olivet asked to make sure she got it right and Amanda nodded.  
"Who told you you shouldn't?" Olivet asked and caught Amanda's blues for a while.  
"Like everyone," Amanda finally answered folding her eyes down to her hands again that was fidgeting a little on her lap. Olivet got a hunch the answer was a cop out, that she just didn't want to go deeper into it. She would try and bring it up again if she got the chance.

"And what was it about competing that you liked? I mean except the part about beating the boys because I'm pretty sure you succeeded at least at times," Olivet said smiling.  
"Yeah I did," Amanda reminisced with a smile but then got a serious look on her face, "but I guess it was about existing, like to prove I was there and that I was a contender. I wanted to prove people wrong, that I really could do it. Nothing would hold me back."

"Who tried to hold you back?" Olivet asked immediately connection with Amanda's eyes.  
"It's not important," Amanda decided to answer and folded her eyes down again.  
"How about letting me decide if it's important or not?" Olivet tried.

"Look, where I grew up a girl was supposed to be a girl, you were expected to act and dress a certain way. It was no big deal, you just had to be strong to… sorta break the mold," Amanda said. It was a bit of a lie, it wasn't really the place she grew up in but more her household. She remembered her moms constant complaints about her not acting like a proper girl.

"And you were strong enough to break that mold," Olivet said more as a statement than a question.  
"I at least tried, it's not a big deal," Amanda said more as a sigh.

Olivet tried to probe a bit more, to get further but Amanda more or less clamped up. She tried to get back to her need for adrenalin rushes but Amanda kept quiet so she tied it to what Amanda had said about breaking molds. She tried to find out if Amanda liked to break the mold she was in now. If there was other ways she could find a way to prove her existence.

"Don't…" Amanda warned but took a breath to calm down a bit before she continued, "it's no use with me. You can talk all you want and you can try and fix me but it's no use. This is who I am and I won't change and it's a waste trying. Just leave me be. I'm… fine."

Olivet just watched her until it got uncomfortable for Amanda and she started to squirm a bit.

"What?" Amanda spat out knowing the doctor was just dying to say something.  
"Can I be frank?" Olivet asks.  
"Aren't you always?" Amanda muttered.  
"I'll take that as a yes, I think what you just said is… complete crap."

Amanda had to raise her eyebrows a bit, doctor Olivet had never been quite that frank before.

"Not the part that you're fine and that you don't need anyone to fix you, I believe you and I won't argue. But Amanda if you want to change you can. Not much in life is constant. I'm not saying you have to change if you don't want to but if you want to… you can."

It was Amanda's turn to study the doctor for a bit.

"But what if… I mean, what if people saw that as a weakness, what if they thought you were weakening then?"  
"Change isn't necessarily a weakness Amanda, to not run into the fire to save someone but instead try and fight the fire to save someone is still courageous," Olivet said sincerely.

Amanda knew the doctor was still talking about her need for adrenaline rushes but Amanda was just thinking about Nick. She knew she feared what would happen if she told him she loved him. What he could do to her heart if she let him in. But he was already in wasn't he? And now she'd ruined what they had.

"Amanda?" Olivet said softly bringing her back to present.  
"Do you want to change?" she asked holding Amanda's eyes. Amanda swallowed hard. It got too much for her to hold on to the doctor's eyes and looking sideways she caught the sight of the clock on the wall.

"Our time is up," Amanda whispered. Olivet turned to look as well, she usually had a good feeling for when she started to reach the end of the session but today she'd lost track. Maybe it had something to do with the fact Amanda was her last patient for the day and she didn't mind running the session a little longer. Olivet smiled a little as she thought how in character it was for Amanda to not want to sit longer than necessary though.

"Look," Olivet said as Amanda got up out of the couch, "how about we arrange a few more visits. Three was mandatory but it's not uncommon at all that I schedule more, I'm sure your sergeant would sign off on it too." Olivet knew she hadn't even touched on the matter Olivia had brought up, about what had happen during the raid that wasn't in the file. She hadn't had time to touch on it as she'd find other interesting clues to untangle. She really hoped she'd get more chances to try and dig deeper in this case.

"I'm not…" Amanda said a bit hesitant as she moved towards the door, "I'm not sure… I mean I don't think that's necessary. I'm not sure this is what I need."

Amanda tried a smile towards the doctor, she felt as though she wanted to reassure her she was okay.

"But just know Amanda, that my door is open," Olivet said staying planted in her chair.  
"Yeah sure," Amanda said remembering a time when Olivet's door hadn't been open for her.  
"Bye doctor," Amanda whispered and sneaked out leaving Olivet feeling a bit disappointed she hadn't been able to reach Amanda.

But even though Olivet felt she hadn't reached Amanda she had in a way. Amanda's thoughts were racing. She thought of change, of her feelings for Nick and what a screw-up she was. Thinking had never been especially good for her and this time was no different. She tried sharing at GA meetings, running, she went to the gym, she hung out at the back of AJ's restaurant and she drank. Nothing helped in her attempts to get rid of her thoughts but then she suddenly found herself outside a gambling establishment and all of sudden... she stopped thinking.

* * *

ps. doctor Olivet walking into the squad room is a total rip-off from the sequel to 'My Own Army'. I'm working simultaneous on that one and since you wanted to "witness" Amanda's sessions I felt it worked in this fanfic too. Just a slight tease for the sequel that I'm so happy some of you are waiting for as well.


	9. Chapter 9

Okay so I read your reviews (of course) and I tried the half a chapter/twice a week as requested but I kind of failed. At least it's shorter than usual though & two days early ;)  
Oh and I forgot to mention before I really like the idea an anon guest had about Nick getting hurt and Amanda stepping up, I can really see her doing that, but I'm not sure I can work it in. I have this plan for the end of this fanfic, it's sort of my season finale and if I hurt Nick (physically) now I'm afraid I'll mess the finale up. I need him fit for the finale *lol*

Okay so last chapter really ran looong, it was even longer actually, I cut a part of it out so we'll jump back a little in the beginning of this chapter. You mentioned you liked AJ and I really do too so I wanted to work her in a little more so there's a couple of scenes down here that takes place before the end of last chapter. Its just to explain a little further how Amanda got to that place she ended up in by the end of last chapter. I hope you'll still be able to follow the story. There's no smut warnings (WTF?) but some harsh language warning.

Lyrics used in this chapter is **Sia "Chandelier"**. I just adore that song. I tried to write a one-shot based on it with Amanda really hitting rock bottom but I just couldn't get the emotions through so I decided to use bits of it in this fanfic instead. If you haven't heard it I really recommend it, and the video too. It's such a powerful song.

Enjoy!

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**Chapter 9**

* * *

So she'd made a complete fool of herself that night when Liv had taken the squad out for a beer. Amanda wasn't sure why she felt forced to push it so far all the time. It hadn't been like she really wanted to screw that guy, he was cute but he came nowhere close to the standards she was used to as of late. But he'd certainly done his purpose, now Nick wasn't even looking at her.

She really didn't want to get on Liv's bad side again though so she'd called doctor Olivet to set a date for that third and final session. She just wanted to get it over with and move on. Move on from everything that had gone on since Murphy stepped in to her life, or she'd stepped in to his was more accurate if she was being honest. Man she had fallen deep that time, she didn't want to go there again.

So she stuck to the meetings, even tried to share more. She ran a lot, visited the gym and of course she worked as much as possible. But she just felt so miserable. It was like she constantly managed to trip herself and even when down she dug herself deeper. _What was wrong with her?_

Walking into doctor Olivet's office she feared she would be able to read her like an open book so she tried to say as little as possible. She knew she had a tendency to share a little too much information when she got worked up. Usually that was when she was angry or upset though, misery made her not want to talk at all. Olivet asked question and Amanda watched the answers she gave. It wasn't that she was ashamed or anything about who she was or where she came from but… or maybe it was.

She walked out of Olivet's office questioning if she could change, and if she _wanted_ to change. _For years now she'd pride herself with being tough and independent but had it really served her well? But change was so damn hard, was it really worth it?_ She wavered back and forth throughout the day. Change or not to change. During the night she settled on that change maybe wasn't so bad after all but then she drove in to the lot at the station right behind Nick and she could tell he hurried inside to avoid her. She realized the only way she could survive this was to stay tough and independent, even if that also meant alone.

Friday night hanging at AJ's restaurant made the fourth time she'd been there that week, she'd missed Wednesday because of the GA meeting. She hoped the restaurant staff wasn't getting sick of her, she had helped out in the kitchen a bit and not broken anything so she hoped she'd been of some use. They were planning on going out tonight. The rest of the nights she'd just been happy to be around others and the buzz at the restaurant, it helped to push out the thoughts in her head. And it was nice to be around people that only wanted to talk about the last episode of So you think you can dance, how crazy it was that Geordie shore would get another season and who were knocked up, splitting up or hooking up in the latest People's gossip column. She got to laugh a lot. But the amusement only lasted for a few seconds until the laugh reached the bottom of her gut and the pain that lingered there made itself known again.

Once at the club she tried blending in, downed a couple of shots to relax and followed AJ out on the dance floor. For a while Amanda felt great, the music pounding in her ears and AJ constantly smiling in front of her as they rocked out. It felt great just letting loose. This was just what she needed.

It didn't take long until they'd hooked two rather good looking guys on the dance floor. The important thing was that they offered to buy the next round for them and Amanda and AJ followed them to the bar so they could pick out drinks with the funniest names. Funniest of course meant crudest and a few laughs. Amanda wanted to go back to the dance floor though, she preferred it to getting chatted up by this guy. He seemed okay but she just wasn't interested.

She managed to get AJ back to the dance floor even though she seemed very hooked on her guy. He came after AJ a while later and the two of them pulled to the side to either talk or drink some more, Amanda didn't know. All she knew was that she wanted to dance and that's what she did. Drinks weren't really allowed on the dance floor but she somehow still managed to get her hands on alcohol. She knew better than to accept a drink from a stranger but tonight she just didn't give a fuck.

This guy had danced around her for a while, she had a little trouble focusing her eyes on his face but she thought he was rather good looking. He was a really good dancer, grinding up against her and she could feel he was packed decent. He was trying to kiss her and she might have kissed him but all she really wanted to do was dance so that's what she did.

After a while she was really thirsty and made her way over to the bar. She found AJ there and Amanda asked her if she wanted something to drink. Oddly enough AJ shook her head but stayed beside Amanda as she ordered.

"Let me pay for that," the guy from the dance floor said. Amanda hadn't seen him following her. She shot him a smile and then drank as he paid. She offered AJ a taste and she had some.

"You want to come sit down for a bit?" AJ shouted over the music but Amanda shook her head.  
"I want to dance," Amanda shouted once she had another taste of her drink.

"Was it good?" she heard someone ask in her ear. Glancing up over her shoulder she spotted him again and she nodded and then offered him a taste too. She felt restricted and looking down she realized why, he was holding on to her and she was pushed up against him. His hand was resting on her stomach, his fingers caressing her slightly but she couldn't feel it.

"Oh I love this song," Amanda shouted suddenly as she heard a new song come on. She pushed her way out of the guys embrace, leaving him behind with the drink and quickly found her way out on the dance floor brushing up against equally sweaty bodies. Amanda threw her hands up in the air as the lyrics started.

"_Party girls don't get hurt. Can't feel anything, when will I learn. I push it down, push it down. I'm the one "for a good time call". Phone's blowin' up, ringin' my doorbell. I feel the love, feel the love." _

Amanda really loved the beat of this song but for the first time she really caught the lyrics too and she sang along to the easy part;

"_1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink. 1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink. 1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink" _

And as the chorus started she really cut herself lose just as though it told her own story.

"_I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier. I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist. Like it doesn't exist. I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry. I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier." _

Amanda suddenly stopped moving and she just listen to the lyrics.

"_And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes. Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight. Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes. Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight. On for tonight." _

"You really love to dance don't you," a voice shouted into her ear and the guy was back.  
"You look really good doing it," he added when she didn't say anything.  
"This song is really sad," Amanda whispered with her eyes focused somewhere in the distance.  
"What was that?" the guy shouted as he'd only seen her lips move.

"_1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink. 1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink. 1, 2, 3 1, 2, 3 drink. Throw 'em back till I lose count." _

"You don't want to dance any longer?" he asked shouting and she shook her head slowly. The guy smiled.  
"C'mon let's dance," he said stepping in closer and he tried to get her to move with him. Amanda let him grab her and she did her best to move with him as she kept listening to the music.

"_Sun is up, I'm a mess. Gotta get out now, gotta run from this. Here comes the shame, here comes the shame." _

She really wasn't feeling well, she felt so very sad inside. She didn't want to feel like this. His lips were on her neck and when they came up to her mouth she greeted them hoping it would numb the sadness. When it didn't help at all though she tried to pull away and the song just blasted at her for a few seconds.

"_And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes. Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight. Help me, I'm holding on for dear life."_

"I'm not…" she said but her words were drowned by the loud music. She became aware of his hands that were all over her body and she tried to just feel them. She wanted them to heel whatever was wrong with her, that they would take away this pain. But somewhere down deep she knew nothing this guy did could make anything alright. And the notion that nothing she could do with this guy would make things feel any better scared her. _What if nothing could cure her?_

His lips were on hers again and she let him have access to her mouth even though she most of all just wanted to get away from him. His thigh got in-between her legs and the hand he had on her ass pushed her against him. _This should feel good. This usually felt good._ She felt his hand grab a hold of hers and he pushed it down between them using her hand to rub up against him. She tried getting her hand back but he held her too tight and when she tried to use her other hand to push him away he wouldn't budge but just kept pushing his leg in further between her legs. When she opened her eyes back up, _when had she closed them?_, she didn't see this guy but one with dark skin. Dorian. He was there one second, gone the next but she didn't want to be with this guy either.

"What the f…" he groaned as she bit down hard on his lower lip to get him to let her go.  
"Don't touch me," she screamed trying to push him away. He wasn't really trying to get close to her now but the people around them held them together.

"Are you crazy?" he asked rubbing his lip with one hand as he tried to reached out and grabbed a hold of her hair with his other hand. She used both hands to push him further away and now people around them started to notice the commotion and backed away. AJ pushed her way through the crowd and got to them. She got passed the guy and she reached for Amanda who first tried to fight her off too since she couldn't really distinguish one from the other.

"You crazy bitch," the guy said over AJ's shoulder and his hand flew up, slapping Amanda over the head making her hair whirl.  
"Hey," AJ screamed turning towards the guy and she struck his arm with her own.

"She made me bleed," the guy complained holding his fingers out towards AJ, she figured there was blood on them even though she couldn't see anything. And either way he could not hit her friend.

"I bought her a fucking drink," he said pouting his lips.  
"Well tough, now scram," AJ shouted. The guy looked as though he would charge them again but then two guys grabbed a hold of him and pushed him back and out of sight. AJ didn't care what happen to him and turned back towards Amanda.

AJ grabbed a hold of Amanda's face, looking her straight in the eyes which wasn't easy since Amanda's face flickered a little over the place. AJ had stopped drinking a while back sensing that Amanda was off, hell she'd sensed it the entire week but they'd never been good at talking about serious matters.

"Look at me Amanda," she had to say to get Amanda's eyes to stay mostly locked with hers, "Whatever it is that's going on Amanda, whatever it is it's going to be okay. _You're_ going to be okay."

AJ saw the tears pilling up in her friend's eyes and she wasted no time gathering her up in her arms as she brought them both over a little to the side.

"You guys okay?" Gavin asked coming up by their side, he'd seen the commotion from a far but only realized they were in the middle of it as he got closer.  
"Yeah," AJ told him keeping up the front as always.  
"Amanda?" he asked a little concerned as he didn't buy they were really okay.  
"I got her Gavin, we're fine," she said having her friend's back as back in the days.  
"I'll be by the bar if you need me," Gavin said, reluctantly walking away.

Once she felt Amanda's body relax a little against her own she brought her back out and again locked eyes with her as best she could.

"You know what, we're going to get out of here right now. We're going to find a pizza place and we're going to bring back the biggest and unhealthiest motha fucking pizza back to my place and eat it in front of some grizzly horror movie just as when we were young. Okay?"

Amanda nodded with tears in her eyes but a wide smile on her face. AJ stroke the side of her face to wipe away a single tear that escaped her eye and then took her outside so they could get far away from this place. They did exactly as AJ had said, made the cab driver stop by a pizza place and while Amanda had a short nap in the backseat AJ went in and ordered them a family sized, extra cheese crust pizza with an odd blend of their favorite toppings all mixed in to one. The pizza smell made Amanda gag but AJ just rolled down the window, shoved Amanda's head outside and hollered at the driver to hit the floor cause they had a slicer flick waiting for them at home. The cabbie was probably just happy to get rid of them and didn't even frown at the bad tip AJ gave him since she'd run out of cash.

She gathered up her friend and the pizza box that didn't make it up the stairs on a leveled angle but really who gave a shit at this late hour and a pizza slice later her friend sobered up some and they enjoyed the horror movie and didn't care that their screams woke up the neighbors.

And later on AJ didn't shy away from her friend's tears the way she'd always done as they went through adolescence side by side. No this time she faced her and the tears head on. AJ knew that they were very much alike on many levels but there were sides they didn't share. They were both carefree but while AJ was carefree because she'd never had much to worry about in this world. She had two loving parents that hugged her a lot and she had a big brother that always defended her back just like her parents, even when she didn't deserve it. She had parents that paid her way through college and that continued supporting her financially even now.

But Amanda's carefree nature was not rooted the same way. It came from not having anyone to rely on in this world, no things or belonging to be attached to, a gloomy outlook on life and a very early knowledge that the world could come to an end tomorrow so you better live life to the fullest today.

And all those nights Amanda had sought refuge underneath AJ's roof and spent the night beside AJ in her bed AJ had not been able to face her even though she heard her friends muffled tears in the pillow. Her friend had always tried to hide the tears but she hadn't been aware of the subtle vibrations her sobs had caused in the mattress and how AJ had felt like a coward for not daring to face her tears or the rejection she knew she could get if she tried to console her friend.

But tonight was different. Tonight she wouldn't shy away from the tears that would come once they'd tucked themselves in. Tonight she would face her friend's sadness and there would be no rejection or running. Tonight Amanda would let her friend hold her and she would fall asleep in her arms once there were no more tears to shed and sleep concurred her broken inside.

**Amanda felt a little** embarrassed the next day but mostly she felt hung-over. AJ said she had the best cure though and dragged her out into the fresh air once she was at least steady on her feet. Amanda wasn't sure the air did her much good, nor did even the smell of the food at the restaurant AJ forced her in to. Just looking at AJ pour syrup over her pile of pancakes made Amanda feel sick and she tried swallowing it down with the smoothie the waitress had recommended for hangovers. AJ hadn't shied away from telling the total stranger of her friend's hangover. She had to admit though, the honey and banana smoothie somehow helped a little.

"Okay, so let's do this, what's going on?" AJ said taking the bull by the horn. The bull was Amanda. No question about it. When it came to talking about feelings they were both terrible at it but Amanda was for sure the more bullheaded of the two.

"It's nothing," Amanda tried but that, or avoiding eye-contact, wouldn't work today.  
"It's about that guy right? Nick?" AJ said having already figured it out.  
"It's not about a guy," Amanda grunted and rolled her eyes. AJ knew the signs though.

"No? So the reason you made a spectacle of yourself last night, and you did by the way," AJ said cause if there was one thing they were with each other it was honest, "and that you cried even in public isn't cause your heart is broken?"

"My heart's not broken," Amanda countered quickly challenging the straight on look AJ was giving her. AJ was the one that gave up as usual and it only took a few seconds but Amanda could tell she wasn't convinced.

"I'm not… heartbroken because…" Amanda trailed off a bit playing with the straw in her smoothie.  
"Oh right… because Amanda Rollins doesn't fall in love," AJ filled in and gave her a sneer.

"Because Amanda Rollins is an alien, a superwoman who doesn't degrade herself to have normal, down-to-earth feelings of the human kind," AJ exaggerated her words and her voice got louder as she went on, "No Amanda Rollins is above all that, her heart is wrapped with kryptonite foil and she will forever live up in her ice castle made for one and keep all the rutting, blinded by their admiration for her, lovesick male mammals piling up below her precipice just because she is a, deep down, vulnerable, scared and sad little chicken shit."

The chicken shit was loud enough to call the attention even from the people over by the counter but Amanda actually didn't care, and not only just cause she was hung-over. AJ's eyes quickly turned down to her plate of pancakes and she scooped up as much syrup as she could on her fork and stuck it in her mouth. She didn't care who heard either as long as her friend heard her.

"Asshole," Amanda smiled at her.  
"Ninnyhammer," AJ countered and Amanda did her best to not laugh out loud at the insult AJ had used frequently in their teens after she'd read Tolkien's books.  
"Ass-wipe," Amanda said once she could keep her voice steady.  
"Cuntbag," AJ said managing to keep a straight face, again having something to thank her parents for as they paid for her many theater classes.

Amanda couldn't hold it in and let out a loud, heartfelt chuckle. AJ broke her stone face and smiled too at the same time as she gave Amanda a victorious look. There wasn't much she could beat Amanda at but keeping a straight face and insults were the two fields she most often succeeded at and holding back on gloating wasn't one of her virtues.

"Seriously though," AJ said once they'd both settled down. Amanda's face was a little scared once she looked back up at AJ, they usually weren't that serious and she was a little worried what she had to say.  
"Amanda Lilly Rollins," AJ said making Amanda cringe at the sound of her middle name, "you're in love."

Amanda wanted to hear the l-word about as much as her middle name but she also didn't want to feel this way.

"I screwed it up though," Amanda whispered folding her eyes down.  
"Then fix it," AJ said making it sound very simple.  
"I screwed up bit time," Amanda said daring to face her friend.

"Hold up," AJ said putting her fork down, "did you screw up the good 'ol way like when your world was crumbling because you got a B on the English test or because you only hit a three baser and not a home-run while good 'ol AJ forgot to put her dad's car in park and it almost took a lady in a wheelchair _and_ a baby carriage with it as it crashed into the square fountain?"

"Or when you ruined our summer job by setting the fruit stand on fire?"  
"Rub it in," AJ said making a face. Amanda smiled and took a deep breath.

"No flood or fire but worse than a B," Amanda admitted.  
"Redeemable?" AJ asked and Amanda shrugged.  
"The Amanda I know is many things but she isn't a quitter," AJ said seriously, "You can fix it, I have faith in you."

**Amanda appreciated** AJ and her faith very much but she wasn't sure how it would help her get out of this situation she was in with Nick. She worried she was in deeper than she'd thought. _Why had she reacted that way seeing him with Maria? If it was just sex then it shouldn't really matter. AJ had called her heartbroken. Could that really be it?_

She knew going out partying with AJ and her friends were a good distraction but she'd still been hung-over when she got in to the late shift that Saturday and she knew Liv picked up on it. Nick would've maybe picked up on it had he given her even a second of his time but he didn't so she didn't have to worry about that at least.

She couldn't afford to make any more mistakes now that Liv was back in charge. She could be out in a second if she screwed up again. But it was so hard and she could feel the restlessness creeping in. She'd tried partying, she'd tried drinking on her own and she'd tried running, a lot. Nothing seemed to work and she feared the inevitable. She crashed in bed as Saturday turned to Sunday. Nightmares haunted her for the rest of the night but even though she couldn't sleep she stayed in bed. She stayed in bed simply because there was nothing she felt like doing. She was tired, worn down and so sick of herself. Her body felt drained and spent but her mind was racing. _When did life get this complicated? _

She made herself get up once the rest of the city had been up for hours already, she got dressed and got in her car. She hadn't eaten anything since yesterday but she still wasn't hungry. She drove aimlessly for a while but then found herself outside the church where she in a little over an hour should be attending a GA meeting. While sitting there in her car her mind kept going.

_Why did she always have to mess things up? Why did her sister thrive on getting in trouble and causing it? And her mother had surely seen her fair share of hassles. Was it in their genes? Was it destined to end like this? Always? Was it even worth the effort to try and avoid things always ending badly? Why even be surprised? She should just always see it coming. _

She saw mr Madison walk in through the side entrance to the church. Mr Madison who'd lost his wife and two kids because of his gambling. He reminded her a little of her own dad. Not that her dad ever would attend a GA meeting though, no her dad never had a problem. According to himself that is. Or was.

It was still early, still time before the meeting would start but she got out of the car. She figured she could sit down with mr Madison for a while but she only made it half way across the street. _Who was she kidding? This would never work. She would screw this up too sooner or later. Why even try?_ Her feet started taking her away from the church and she just kept walking.

**Fin was just lounging** on his couch thinking he should do something productive but was just too lazy to move. His phone buzzed and it got him moving at least a bit as he had to reach over to the table. He got a little concern when he saw his partner's name in the window. It was rare she called him on a day off if they hadn't made plans beforehand. If they'd caught a case Liv most likely would be the one calling.

"What's up?" he answered. He sat up properly when he heard nothing but her breathing and traffic in the background.  
"Amanda?" he asked getting to his feet. Still just her breathing but it got clearer as though she'd turned away from the traffic.

"Where are you?" he asked moving towards his door. He grabbed his hoodie and his car keys by the door at the same time as he got his shoes on. When she still hadn't answered he stopped and said angrily into his phone;  
"Give me the address now."

Amanda felt afraid to raise her head cause she knew she would give him the address if she saw the street sign and she really didn't want him there right now. But she had called him and she knew there had to be a reason for that, it was just piled down under loads of garbage and shame or something. As she had expected she gave him her location once she managed to raise her head and she could hear a door close behind him. _What if she had pulled him from something, or someone? What if she ruined his night? Why was she so stupid? _

Fin took the stairs down which was really rare. He kept the phone to his ear, heard her breathing still and knew she could hear his.

"Rough night?" he asked a little out of breath as he crossed the street to get to his car.  
"Aha," she mumbled.  
"Rough couple of nights?" he raised the stake and she came back with the same 'aha'.

He'd known something was off between her and Amaro and even though she tried to pretend everything was fine he had of course picked up on the circles under her eyes getting darker and her smiles running thin. He focused on getting inside his car for a few seconds and made sure he didn't run into anyone as he drove out of his slot. He got her location into his GPS to find it faster.

"Have you done something stupid?" he asked even though he feared her answer. The answer she didn't give him though was scary enough.

"You know what I heard earlier, wrestlers in Atlanta now actually use Honey Boo Boo's cup-a-fart as a real move."

He smiled at the slight chuckle he heard on the other side of the line. He wanted to get to her fast but he realized he had to slow down as he was about to ram into another car as he took a left turn.

"And did you know there was a prehistoric species of penguins that were actually the size of a human? And that they only go homosexual in captivity?" he told her and kept feeding her what he'd learnt from the television just a little while ago.

"When did you read a National Geographic?" she whispered once he finally got quiet. Her voice was frail but he appreciated her trying.  
"It was on TV, I was too lazy to reach the remote," he confessed and again he heard her chuckle slightly. It died down quicker this time though and he heard the sob she tried to muffle.

"Amanda…" he started but wasn't sure where he was going with it. His heart was breaking for her.  
"I'm… such a mess," she managed to push out.  
"No, no," he said, "a little one maybe but only at times, rarely and…" He stopped as he realized the time for jokes had passed.

"Listen Amanda, we will work it out. Whatever might have happen we'll sort it out, like we always do," he said.  
"What's the point…" she whispered. He didn't like to hear that defeat in her voice. This was his partner, the one who struggled on even when she was down on her knees, bleeding and or suffocating. And now she was defeated. He wasn't sure what to say but honked at the slow driving car in front of him. _Why the fuck wouldn't he get out of the way? _

"Hey, partner," he said as he feared she would get off the line or run away if he didn't keep her mind occupied, "let's get a beer okay? Let's just sit down for a bit, it will get better. We won't get up until it is better. Just trust me partner, just trust me."

He kept talking, tried to engage her but she kept mostly silent. Driving into the intersection at her location he immediately spotted the gambling establishment. He closed his fists hard around the steering wheel, he would've growled if he still wasn't on the phone with her.

He couldn't spot her outside but when he looked around he saw her hunched down form across the street leaning against a brick wall. Her entire posture looked defeated. A car honked behind him and he realized he'd stopped a few seconds too long. He took the left turn and drove up alongside her.

"So what's a guy gotta do to get a looker like you into his car?" he said rolling down his window. She looked up and for just a short second he saw a hint of a smile but it was gone as soon as he saw it.

"It's not fair you have to keep doing this," she said into the phone not moving off the wall.  
"How about you let me decide that," he said into the phone but staring straight at her, "you know I would tell you if I'm fed up. Now get your boney ass into the car."

"You've said you like my ass," she said.  
"Okay I do but provoking you usually works better then flattering you," he let her know the truth. The hint of that smile washed over her face briefly.

"Usually…" she whispered.  
"Okay then," he smiled, "get your fine ass into my car."

He hung up and reached over to push the door open for her. She slowly made her way up the wall, she moved as though she'd run a marathon. For all he knew she could've, he knew she ran a lot when she was troubled and she'd clearly been troubled these past two weeks. Since Maria stepped in to the squad room but that wasn't the only clue to that something was not right between the two detectives. Nick looked like he had a lemon pushed up his ass and wouldn't even look Amanda's way. Even Liv had mentioned how their cooperation had deteriorated again.

Amanda on the other hand kept her head down which she rarely did. It had lowered when she started gambling again and got stuck working undercover at that illegal gambling club. It had started to rise again as Nick apparently made her happy, Fin didn't want to think about just how Amaro was making her blossom but he had a pretty good idea. Other women glowed when they were pregnant or went shopping, sex made Amanda glow. And by the way she'd shined these past months she was getting plenty of it. Fin didn't object though, that glow never affected her character or wit, if anything it made it edgier and Fin liked to see his partner thrive. Since Maria walked back in though she hadn't thrived one bit. Right now he feared she'd slipped down that lethal path of hers, and he feared if Liv find out he would be looking for another partner.

He watched her get inside his car, it looked as though it took some effort for her to close the door behind her. She reclined down into the seat with a sigh as the cabin light slowly faded. It was still light out but there were shadows inside the car that made it hard for him to see her face clearly and he could tell she also tried her best to not face him. When he didn't drive off though he forced her to look at him. She took a deep breath and turned towards him.

He'd already looked her over. She was in jeans and a plain top that if he wasn't mistaken was on backwards. She wore simple sandals on her feet. Her hair was out and natural curly or not brushed, he wasn't sure which it was. It was still high summer so no jacket was really needed but she just looked as though she'd taken off from her couch and ended up at the last place in the world she should be in. Fin wasn't sure what an attire for gambling looked like, maybe this was it.

"I have to ask cause you look a little like you've lost all your money," Fin said seriously, "Have you been inside?"

He felt a little relieved when she shook her head but he wasn't sure he trusted her right now.

"Are you sure?"  
"I promise," she said barely audible, "I really wanted to go inside but I didn't."  
"So you haven't slipped?"  
"No," she said, "not yet."

He realized she was at the end of her rope.

"What can I do?" he asked.  
"Take me away from here?" she said as a suggestion.  
"I can do that," he said and got the car in gear.

He rolled down all the windows and took off. They drove fast, over bridges and along the waterfront since he knew she liked that. Had he been alone the music would've pumped but now he left the radio off. No one said anything, they just drove and he hoped the wind that was blowing through her hair would wash off at least some of that agony of hers.

After about an hour he drove in to the side outside a bar. She followed him inside without anyone saying anything. He told her to go through the bar to the outdoor area in the back as he approached the bar to get them something to drink. He ordered a soda for himself and a beer for her and then went out to find her at one of the tables by one side. She must have bummed a smoke from someone cause he was rather sure she wasn't holding any cigarettes of her own. She gave him a nod as a thanks when he put the beer in front of her. He watched her as he tried his soda. The cigarette was constantly by her lips as she gnawed her nails whenever she didn't take a drag.

"You wanna talk?" he finally asked. She gave him a look but then shook her head. He respected her wish but wasn't sure if they would get anywhere if she didn't open up at least some.

"I need another smoke, did they sell 'em at the bar?" she asked standing up. He had seen some behind the bar but she took off before he had the chance to answer. He spun around on his chair a little as he wanted to make sure she only went to the bar and not beyond it. He knew her flight tendencies. He saw her stop at the bar though and shared a few words with the bartender. As she waited for him to fetch some her toe banged nervously against the floor and he saw her churn her hands together. Whatever craving she was having he was worried the cigarettes wouldn't do the trick.

He turned back around as he saw her pay for her goods and sat back a little as he awaited her return to the table. She'd lit another smoke before she sat down and she continued her nervous routine of biting her nails between drags.

"You want me to get you something else?" he asked hinting to her beer as she hadn't touched it.  
"Sorry," she mumbled and had a taste. She frowned though as the liquid went down her throat.  
"Sorry," she repeated, "I still feel hung-over."

He pushed his soda over to her and she gave him a smile but then had to be convinced it was okay for her to have some. He helped himself to a mouthful beer meanwhile but then pushed it away a little so he wouldn't be tempted to have more.

"I'm not sure there will be a way around it," he finally said, "I think you may have to talk about it."  
"Talking got me into this mess," she sighed and hinted to her last appointment with doctor Olivet. Of course Fin didn't get it though and raised an eyebrow at her. She put her elbows down on the table with a loud moan and rested her head in her hands. He got a little concern her cigarette would burn her hair as she started to rub her fingers through it but she somehow managed to keep her cigarette cleared of it.

"C'mon," he said reaching out to touch her head slightly, "try 'n talk to me."  
"I just wanna gamble so badly," she said keeping her face buried behind all that hair, "I know it won't fix anything but maybe if I just… like one bet, I just know I would feel better if I could just do it once."

"You know it won't stop at that though," Fin pointed out what she already knew. She was quiet for a while and he watched her cigarette burn closer to her fingers.  
"When did you become the sane one?" she said sitting back up to put her cigarette out as though she'd felt it burning out. She lit another one as they shot each other a smile.

"I'm good at disguising it," he told her and her smile lingered for a few seconds longer. Her grim reality got evident on her face soon though and she tried to hide her face from him again. She tossed her sandals off and got her feet up on the chair. Hugging her knees like that made her look way younger and Fin, who rarely reminisced, tried to picture her back home in Georgia and how she was as a kid. Something told him she had this tough exterior even as a toddler.

"So what does GA tell you to do when you feel that itch?" Fin asked making himself come back to present.  
"Reach out," she said shooting him a quick glance as she took another drag of her smoke.

"Check," he smiled, "what else?"  
"Don't gamble," she said as a joke but she realized herself that it was lame, "Distract yourself with something else. I usually run, drink, hook up," she shook her head at herself, "… I don't know, sometimes it just feels like I swop one vice for another. But don't tell GA I called it a vice, they frown at that."

"Well I'm not that good at running," he said with a slight smile, "I guess drinking isn't an option, not right now at least, and I have a pretty good idea I'm not the one you want to hook up with right now."

Her eyes turned just as quickly away from his as they'd gotten there. She gnawed her lip nervously. He knew it was a sensitive subject but he had a sneaky suspicion her gambling addiction might not be the root of her current slump.

"And a GA meeting, would that help?" he asked not wanting her to shut down now when she was talking.  
"I was going to one but I couldn't go inside, I panicked and walked away," she said.

"Maybe we can find another one somewhere? I don't mind driving you, and I'll hang around," he offered but she started shaking her head.  
"I don't feel like sharing tonight," she sighed putting down her head on top of her knees.

"Maybe it's not at a GA meeting you need to share, maybe you need to talk to someone else?" he tried, daring now that she'd put her head down.  
"I messed that up big time Fin, it's no use," she dared to confess now that she wasn't looking at him.

"I'm pretty sure he would like to hear from you though," Fin tried.  
"I'm pretty sure he doesn't," Amanda countered.

Fin didn't want to give her advice when it came to love, sure he could joke about it. About him mastering the art of seduction to a T but the truth was he had one failed marriage behind him and that was it. He had no real good relationships to brag about. He liked casual, it was his master domain. He knew Amanda was a bit like him but since she'd hooked up with Nick, there was no question about it, he'd never seen her happier. And the fact she was this miserable after their fight or whatever it was that had gone down between the two told Fin that she was in fact sold on this guy.

But he wouldn't give her advice on matters of the heart cause he just wasn't capable of that. Right now he needed to make sure she didn't gamble, that was his one priority and this wasn't helping.

"C'mon let's get out of here," he said when she was about to lit her fourth cigarette in the short amount of time they'd been there. She got up but still lit the cigarette. They hung around outside for a while so she could finish her cigarette. She paced while smoking, fingers by her lips gnawing on her nails or fidgeting in the air between drags. She had the classic signs of an addict and he was really worried for her. The nicotine wasn't helping her either.

He got an idea once they were finally back in the car. He wasn't sure it was his brightest ever but he was willing to try anything right now. He knew there was a high school not far from there and he drove around it and parked by the football field.

"C'mon," he said when she gave him a questionable look. They had to walk around a bit to find a way in on the track that surrounded the field. Once on the Tartan track he faced her and said;  
"I want you to run and every time you pass me I want you to give me one reason gambling sucks."

She gave him her famous eye roll but it lacked some of that usual umph.

"Move," he said trying to sound as though he was backing up his own plan even though he was doubtful it could or would work. She gave him a stare but he was ready and stared right back at her until she growled and turned her back at him. She raised her hands over her head for a while, staring somewhere above the bleachers as she put them down on her head. Fin just waited. Since she was rather unbalanced at the time he had a hunch he could win her over. He knew for sure once he saw her kick off her sandals and she wrapped her hair up with the rubber band around her wrist as she turned back around towards him. She gave him a defiant glare but then took off.

She was fast, he had to give her that. She had a nice stride, even he could see that and even though she was barefoot and in jeans she moved smoothly. She started slowing down before she reached him and stopped all together on the starting line next to him.

"First reason," he said once she didn't say anything. She gave him an annoyed look but he just shot one right back.  
"Cause I suck at it," she said and when he raised his eyebrow at him she added; "I keep losing."

"Good reason, run," he said as he put his hand on her shoulder to push her away on another lap. She took off with a big sigh. He could tell she'd already lost some speed but she pushed forward at least. And when she reached him he didn't have to ask for a reason as she just gave it to him.

"I hate that I can't control it even though I know it's not good for me."

He acknowledged what she'd told him with a nod and then she took off again. She passed him five more times, giving him another good reason after every lap and he made sure she knew he listen and didn't judge her before she took off again. Late night gambling affected her job, there were a lot of sketchy people around illegal gambling clubs, debt collectors could punch you in the gut, owing people money made you vulnerable and gambling made her feel like a failure. They were all very good reasons to why gambling sucked.

He kept his eyes on her the entire time she rounded the track and really made sure to gain eye contact every time she stopped by his side. He could tell she was getting tired. She didn't look that sweaty but her body signaled it was starting to shut down. He would make her keep going though, he hoped physical exhaustion would put a stop to her restlessness. He hated seeing her like that, when she was wired so tight it looked as though she could literally combust at any time.

He'd picked up a pamphlet about gambling that he ran across at the hospital a while back and it mentioned that gambling addiction had the highest rate of suicides of all addictions combined. It had scared him to read, and realize, that. Amanda had access to a gun and even though he knew she deep down never would want to hurt him like that he didn't doubt for one second she could be able to do it if things got too tough. Something told him she just had that type of personality that could off themselves if there was no other way out. He would make darn sure she'd never sink that far.

"Gambling makes me lie to the people I care about the most," she said quietly when she arrived back yet again. She said it quietly because she was out of breath but he could also see that it was hard for her to admit. Her eyes looked ashamed as she peeked up at him from underneath her bangs with an extra coat of shimmer to them. It was clearly something that she felt bad about.

"Yeah that really sucks," he acknowledged and he was about to say that was enough running for tonight but she took off before he got the chance to say it out loud. She didn't get far though. Before she reached the turn she slowed down until she came to a complete stop. He watched her back rise and fall harshly as she leaned a bit forward, resting her hands on her knees. He wanted to give her a chance to gather herself but when she got down on the rather hard surface and laid down on her back spreading her arms and legs around her he started to walk over.

When he got closer he saw her chest rise and fall as though she was still out of breath. Her eyes were closed and he saw the tracks of tears on the side of her face coming from the corner of her eye and he realized there was more than physical exhaustion going on here. He wasn't good at this part but he knew he had to face it since he'd pushed her to this.

He got down on his knees next to her but giving her some space. He had to put his hand down on the surface to get down and then sat back on his heels. It wasn't the most comfortable position but it was the only one that would really work. He just watched her for a bit and he could tell she tried hard to compose herself.

"It sucks," she finally said, stopping to swallow, "that even though I could see how gambling ruined my dad's life I still fell right into it."  
"Parents are still role models…" he tried just to say something but he wasn't sure where to go with that. She refused to open her eyes but now she shook her head a little as something reminding of a smile covered her face.

"He sucked as a role model," she whispered. She fought a sob that threaten to sneak up her throat and she swallowed hard again.

"He did a lot of bad things but you want to know the worst…" she asked and first he just nodded but realized he had to speak for her to pick up on it.  
"Yeah," he said since he knew the man was already dead so whatever she said couldn't make him do anything stupid.

"It was rare mom let him take us out, I guess she knew gambling always came first to him but we nagged her," Amanda told him and remembered how she and her sister had sounded. _Please mom, we want to go with dad. You're evil. You hate dad. You're just afraid we will love him more since dad does funny things with us. You never do fun things with us. _

Amanda caught herself feeling bad for her mother, it was very rare she felt sorry for her.

"This one time though," Amanda said stopping to collect her breath for a second, "we'd taken the bus to Atlanta cause he said his car was at the shop, probably pounded though. And he took us to a gas station. I remember Kim saying it was weird that we were at a gas station when dad didn't have his car. I guess they ran some illegal game backstage though. Anyway he got us a soda each and a bag of gummy bears which Kim liked but I hated and he told us to sit at this bench and wait for him. Usually he let us sit in his car or sneaked us in but I guess he couldn't at this one. He said he would only be gone a few minutes but of course minutes turned to hours and Kim had to go to the toilet and she started wining about being hungry and then thirsty and then bored and whatever. Then this car drove up and this man inside started talking to us."

Fin watched Amanda frown at the memory. And he frowned himself as he could picture those girls and how easily they could've ended up a special victims case. He was glad to hear Amanda had learnt in school not to go with a stranger so when he told them to get in, that their parents had told him to fetch them and when he offered them candy Amanda took her sister back behind the station where her dad had disappeared to.

"When I knocked on this door though no one answered and the man was still sitting in his car looking at us. I took her around the building to try and find another way in but there was none and then I saw his car again so I grabbed Kim and just started running. We ran through this high and dry grass that cut at your legs and the panic… that wasn't fun, at all," Amanda said as she exhaled hard.

"What happen to you?" Fin asked when she remained quiet. He saw a glimmer of her eyes as she opened them just slightly but then she closed them again as though she knew they would spill over if she kept them open.

"We ran for a while, along this road. I actually think it was a highway, car were honking like to get us away from there. I was really scared, we both were. Kim didn't even cry, and I mean that kid could cry."

Amanda smiled at the sad but still somehow endearing memory. She treasured the times she'd been able to comfort Kim even if that meant many spilled tears over the years. To be able to comfort another person was just the best feeling and it had been very easy to comfort Kim, at least as a kid.

"Anyway a cop car pulled over but we ran from it and hid in this muddy 'ol pipe. It was all very adventurous. My plan was to just get back to the bus station and sneak onboard to go back home. Kim went on about how the bus driver would be a stranger though and I'd just told her we shouldn't get in cars, which the bus was in a way, with strangers. She was really annoying but then we found this skate park and these older kids let us try their boards and they scrambled their backpacks and got us like fruit, juice, candy bars, a sandwich. I think they thought we were homeless or something. I guess we did look a little ragged by then. This older girl took us to her house and I remember how her mom tried to get me to talk but I just didn't say anything but I mean Kim couldn't shut up of course and the police came and they took us in to the station. I remembered how I really liked that girl, I thought she was so cool but I just hated how she looked at me with that pity in her eyes as we were loaded in to that patrol car. I remember I got to wear a police jacket. I liked it, it reached almost to my feet and I pretended it was my shield."

Amanda took a deep breath before she continued the story. How her mom had showed up once it got dark and Kim had been really happy to see her but Amanda not so much. All she wanted to know was if dad was okay but she got nothing but a harsh tug at her arm for an answer.

"I guess I can understand her better now. I loved my dad but he was rotten. And I've walked right down his path," Amanda sighed, "thank God I don't have a family. I'll never expose any kids to that, no way. No I'll die a lonely old bat, good riddance."

He watched her closely and saw the slight glimmer by the corner of her eye again.

"I need a smoke," she said abruptly and got up on her feet hiding her face from him. He watched her walk away heading for the car to get her smokes. He sighed and got up rather ungracefully from the track. Once he got back to the car he found her leaning against the hood with a cigarette between her fingers and smoke masking her face. He sat down beside her on the hood.

"Thanks for the work out, I hope story time didn't bore you though," she said feeling slightly embarrassed for sharing that rather dark insight to her childhood. It hadn't all been bad.  
"No," he answered to calm her, "I like getting glimpses of your past."

"So you'll understand better why I'm such a screw-up," she suggested sarcastically but it didn't fully cover the real emotion behind it, the worry he really thought of her as a big failure. He didn't recognize this side of his partner, he'd never seen her display such self-pity.  
"You're _not_ a screw-up Amanda," he said, "just those few percent you need to be to survive this fucked up world we live in." He did his best to catch her eyes but they flickered a little all over the place.

"You're stronger than your dad though. You'll make it through this and…" he wasn't really sure how to say it but he just had to do it, "…you shouldn't deprive yourself of happiness, of love, just by some fear of something that doesn't need to happen."

He watched her push her lip in so she could bite it as smoke trickled up her face from the cigarette she was holding on to.

"If there's one thing you should gamble on its love Amanda. You deserve to be happy."

He could tell her eyes were filling up with tears and to spare her the shame he knew she felt by their presence he grabbed a hold of her and let her bury her face in his chest for a while as he just stroke her back and the back of her head. She'd tossed the cigarette as he grabbed her and she just grabbed a hold slightly of his hoodie. She let the tears just fall, she'd learnt by now that trying to hold them in just engaged your whole body and as long as no one saw it was better to just let them fall.

After a while, Fin felt in her body when she was ready for him to let her go, he planted a kiss on top of her head and let her go. He didn't look at her, gave her a minute to collect herself and then he told her to get back in the car. They had somewhere to be, someone else she had to talk to.


	10. Chapter 10

Okay so what did we learn this week? That my commitment to post twice a week was about as reliable as a promise by Amanda to stay out of trouble. I'm sorry guys. I think trying to post once a week is all I can handle. And I rather do the long chapters, they get me in the flow so in the end I think it will favor all of us. Sorry to kept you waiting but here it is and smut warning ahead - make up sex on the horizon. Have fun!

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**Chapter 10**

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It wouldn't be the first time Fin had helped the two make up. The first time it hadn't been this serious though and this time he was hoping he literally could fix it so they as the saying was could kiss and make up. He hadn't told her exactly where they were heading next but he had a feeling she had a hunch. She looked tence, all crumbled up in the passenger seat. He figured she was sitting on her hands just to not bite at her nails that were probably down to her skin by now.

It was getting darker now and he really had no idea whether or not Nick was even home. Fin sent a text as they crossed the bridge to Nick's borough.

"_You two need to talk. I'm bringing her over to you. Fin" _

He wished he'd added a get in touch request as he had no idea what he was driving in to as they reached Nick's street. If Amanda had been unaware of their destination it had for sure dawned on her now as her fingers were glued to her mouth again. While Amanda tensed up even further seeing Nick sitting on the stairs Fin felt relieved to see him. Fin parked just a few yards from Nick but neither Amanda nor Nick moved.

"C'mon Amanda," Fin whispered. He really had no idea who should be making the first step but knowing his partner and taking note of boths behavior around each other as of late he had a sense Amanda might be the one who had some crawling to do. Fin could tell she was nervous as hell though and he saw it in her eyes the few times they flickered by his. He saw her eyes flicker over towards Nick as well with that same scared look in them.

He knew it wasn't his job to be their mediator but he would do whatever it took right now to keep his partner from falling back in to gambling and consequently losing her job. So he took a breath and then opened his door. He walked over to Nick and they exchanged head nods.

"Thanks for stepping outside," Fin said just to get the conversation going.  
"Of course," Nick said getting up off the stairs. They'd both shot a few glances back over towards the car.

"So I might be…" Fin wasn't really sure how to put it, "…meddling. I mean I don't know what went down between the two of you, she won't tell me and it's none of my business. But she's my partner and she's in a bad place right now."

Nick had taken a deep breath as he listen to Fin and some of the tension he was carrying just washed off him. Hearing Fin say she was in a bad place of course didn't make him happy but he'd just thought that while he went home miserable every day just longing to be with her and every spot in his apartment reminding him of something wonderful he'd done with her there, she'd gone home fine. She'd looked fine to him. The few times he had been able to look at her, as his heart broke a little every time her beauty caught his eye, she'd seemed just fine. Fine without him and that had been so very hurtful. _But maybe it had all been an act?_ _He already knew she was good at putting up fronts, maybe it had all just been a front? He had seen that she looked tired yesterday, he'd just worried she would be offended if he cared, that maybe it was too soon for that._

"I'm not asking you to like do anything you don't want to do," Fin said tearing Nick's eyes from the blonde form in the car and his attention back from his thoughts, "but if you could just talk to her maybe, let her say she's sorry or something."

"Fin," Nick said cutting him off as Fin tried to explain why he was there. Nick caught Fin's eyes.  
"Your partner," Nick started as he'd decided to be brutally honest, there was no point denying anything at this point, "I love her. I told _her_ that and think it might be, along with Maria popping back up at a very inconvenient time of course, what got her running."

"Aha," Fin said as he started to get the whole picture.  
"Yeah," Nick said almost seeing the pieces fall in to place in Fin's head, "and my feelings haven't changed."

Nick took the last step off the stairs and was about to walk over to the car as Fin called for his attention. Fin looked a little nervously towards the car, he wasn't sure if he was overstepping any boundaries or not but he figured as long as his intentions were good it would be okay to betray a little of his partners trust.

"You know her dad was a gambler right?" Fin asked and Nick nodded wondering where he was going.  
"Yeah and he put his family through a lot, cause of his gambling, I mean she hasn't told me much but from the little I know. She did tell me though that she would never do that to a family of her own. That she rather die alone then to…" Fin saw Nick nod and he realized he wouldn't have to say anything else.

"Thanks Fin," Nick said really appreciating this piece of information into the soul of this mysterious blonde creature he'd worked alongside for three years now but started to realize he knew very little about. For someone who described herself as simple and straightforward she was really turning out to be quite the opposite. But _that_ he'd already figured out long before he fell for her and now he just couldn't wait to get a chance to find out what else she hid inside that beautiful frame of hers.

He could tell by her straightening up in her seat that she saw him walking over. Once he stepped up outside her window though she sat almost completely still. There was a reflection in the window of the lights behind him that made it hard for him to see her properly. All he saw was her hands entangled, resting on her lap. Light fingers resting on a dark surface. Her top was fair and her hair just as fair, messy and stuffed into a ponytail. He carefully reached for the handle and opened up her door. He saw her head move slightly towards him but her eyes never made it further up than his legs.

He just had to study her for a while. He knew they would make up, he wasn't worried at all about that, so he just took this moment to soak all of her in. He'd missed those hands, those fingers, even with the nails chewed down. He'd missed that messy mane of hers, and he'd missed helping her out to mess it up. He'd missed seeing her bite down on her lip just as she was doing right now and he'd missed biting down on it himself.

"Do you want to come inside?" he asked. Again her eyes moved just slightly his way but never came all the way up to meet his. He'd seen the blush creep up over her cheeks and he wasn't discouraged when she shook her head a little. She might be a bit of an enigma but he did recognize the signs of her feeling very bashful.

"Okay can I get in the car with you then?" he tried but again she shook her head. It only made him smile though, there was nothing aggressive to her head gesture. And he had to admit, he found her stubbornness endearing. He leaned in and reached out for her hand, taking his time to stroke the back of her hand as he made his way around it to grab ahold of it. He'd noticed the deep inhale she made once his skin touched hers and he noticed how she let it out as her hand latched on to his.

"C'mon," he whispered stepping away from the car so she would follow him out. She only needed that and a slight tug to slide out of Fin's car. Nick made sure she was cleared before he shoved the door shut and then pulled her along towards the stairs to get her inside.

"Thanks Fin," Nick said as they reached him.  
"No problem," Fin mumbled trying not to make a big deal out of it. He might bring it up one day though when they'd gone down the altar and had a few kids. Then he might bring his part in it up and request at least a Godfather title to one of the young ones.

Amanda really didn't want to let go of Nick now that she could finally feel him against her again but there was something she had to do that required her to let him go if only for a second. She threw her arms around Fin's neck and just held him very tight for a few seconds as his hands a little awkwardly patted her back.

"Yeah thank you Fin," she whispered near his ear and she felt his arms hold on to her a little tighter for a few seconds.

"Any time partner," he said trying to sound casual but had to clear his throat once he'd said it. She placed a kiss on his cheek before she let him go completely. Nick smiled at the scene but then reached out his hand for her to grab it as soon as she'd let Fin go. Nick missed the touch too. Amanda didn't need to be asked but grabbed a hold of the extended hand feeling like a ton of weight had been lifted all at once. She still felt somewhat shameful for her behavior towards both men, for being a wimp and not able to hide her emotions better. But she also felt very grateful to have both of them in her life. There hadn't been many men in her life that had proved themselves to be reliable but she'd realized a while back Fin could be counted on and she started to realize Nick could too.

"I trust you kids to play it safe now," Fin said walking back to his car just having to say something a little crude to light up the moment.  
"Don't we always," Nick countered throwing Fin a glance and a smile over his shoulder.

Amanda could only keep her eyes on Nick though. She was holding on to his hand and she'd put her other hand around his wrist just wanting to feel as much of him as possible. He had sweats on his lower body and just a short sleeved tee on top that ran a little tight but she didn't mind cause it made it easier for her to imagine his muscled chest underneath.

Nick threw his hand up in the air to wave Fin off and caught Amanda looking at him. His smile grew wider as their eyes connected and he let his hand stroke her cheek. He lingered there as his thumb swiped over her lips and his eyes got mesmerized by those lips that he'd missed so much. He stopped, making her stop as well and he took a step down to her level never breaking their gaze. He ran his finger over her mouth again but then leaned in so he could catch it with his own lips.

She closed her eyes as she opened her lips up slightly to greet his. His lips were just as soft as she remembered and they tenderly worked hers, briefly latching on to her upper lip only to go back to softly massaging both lips simultaneously. She paid no attention to the fact they were still outside as a part of her wanted him to go deeper and harder but the other side of her really enjoying this loving kiss that just spoke volumes how much he'd actually missed her.

Nick couldn't get enough of just feeling her lips against his, her breathe, her scent, how soft the back of her neck felt against his hand and how he just wanted to grab a hold even harder around her waist and never let her go again. But he also wanted to get her inside. He wanted to sit her down, talk to her, work everything out and then just make crazy hot love to her all night long and well in to the morning. Screw work, screw his neighbors, screw the world. All he cared about was her.

He reluctantly let her lips go, smiling at how obvious that same emotion was displayed over her face as well.

"Inside," he whispered stroking her cheek one more time before he grabbed a hold of her hand and brought her with him towards the door. He opened the door to let her in and then shut it behind them.

She felt like a stranger there again, inside his apartment. She knew Maria had lived here too and now all of a sudden that seemed to matter. She hadn't cared about that before but his history suddenly made a difference. Everything felt very grown-up all of a sudden, like nothing could be taken lightly any more. It was daunting but at the same time she knew she wanted it. She had to grow up.

"Nick, I'm sorry," she said turning around towards him. He looked a little confused.  
"I'm sorry for overreacting, for not giving you a chance to explain. I'm sorry for not handling… that situation well," she knew she was rambling a little and she had to slow down to make any sense.  
"I'm sorry," she said doing her best to just face him. It had never been easy for her to apologize.

They were only about a foot apart and she had no problem seeing his somewhat troubled look turning in to a smile. Still when he raised his hand, only to again make contact with her, she flinched and of course he caught it. He pulled his hand back with a slight gasp.

"I would never hit you," he blurted out quickly feeling a need to reassure her of that.  
"I… I…," she stammered not sure what to say.

She shook her head, turning it down as she felt the heat on her cheeks and not wanting him to see the shame on her face. She'd never been in an abusive relationship. Yes she had been hit but then she'd been out the door immediately. She would never find herself in her mother's shoes. The flinch… she wasn't sure why, or she did but she couldn't understand why now._ Did she really have such a bad grip on her emotions right now? _

She knew why she'd flinched. She hated apologizing, she'd always done. As a kid she'd been forced to at times, she knew when she'd done bad. She didn't like it most of the time but she did have a built in alarm system of sort that told her right from wrong. At times she tried to ignore it, at times the other person just didn't deserve the apology either way but then there were times when she just had to bite down and crawl. And when she felt forced to face her mom, to apologize cause she knew her mom held the power to withhold food, TV, even school at times, then there were two ways it could go.

Always one of those two ways. Neither one were pleasant but would at least only consist of a short moment of humiliation and pain. One meant a gloating smirk or at times even an evil chuckle straight in your face making you feel like a piece of shit underneath her sole. Or it was the other one, the one that now had caused her to flinch, the non-forgiving slap across the nearest body part, which most often meant the face. It meant her mom didn't forgive her but at least would forget it and they could move on.

Right now she already felt vulnerable and she didn't want to paint him this sad picture of her childhood. There had been good times, it was just the bad ones kept popping out at the worst times. Earlier telling Fin about how she was abandon by her dad, not worth more than his precious cards. She just didn't want to go there again with Nick. They had more important things to talk about, or to not talk about. She wouldn't mind just jumping to the makeup sex right now. That would be good.

Turning her face back up though she knew she had tears in her eyes and she knew she wouldn't be able to hold on to herself if he even asked her one thing right now.

"I know you wouldn't hit me. It's not about that," she said trying to keep her voice steady but failing. He looked so very worried it didn't help her to keep a grip on herself.  
"Another time?" she whispered with a slight plead in her tone, "I'll tell you another time okay?"

He moved his hand slower this time and he got to wipe away a tear when he finally reached her cheek. She did her best to keep the others inside though but it was hard with that concern and love displayed all over that sweet face of his.

"Thank you for apologizing. I really appreciate it and I owe you a few too. I should have told you I was having dinner with Maria. Telling you it was a friend was a lie. She is the mother of my child and that can't change but she's nothing more. She's not a friend and she will never be back in my life as it was before. I'm sorry she came in to the station causing a scene and making you feel bad. That was malicious of her and I've made sure it will never happen again."

He took a break to make sure she was really listening.

"But this is our problem," he said and now it was her time to look confused.  
"This, you not telling me what is going on and how you really feel on the inside. How we communicate."

She still looked a little confused.

"C'mon," he said grabbing a hold of her and taking her inside wanting to sit down so he could try and explain himself a little better. He sat down on the couch, pulling her down with him and made her both face him and come closer. He wrapped his arms around her waist pulling her in even closer and her eyes didn't sway as he looked at her. He could see she was scared though, but her eyes never wavered.

"I can see that so much is going on behind those beautiful eyes of yours," he said and made her briefly look away. He just smiled though, she'd never been good at taking compliments. He had to catch her lips briefly once her eyes came back to meet his.

"I love everything about you, even the mystery but you know me Amanda, my mind screws me over a lot of times. I get insecure, I imagine the worst possible. Like I know you didn't do anything with that guy at the bar, Fin told me you slept on his couch that night but still, I keep seeing you with him and I think maybe Fin's covering for you, even though I know the truth my mind still takes me there," Nick confessed.

"I'm sorry," Amanda whispered, "Nothing happen, I mean yeah I kissed him but it was just to…" Amanda swallowed hard, she wasn't sure how to explain it.  
"To push me away?" Nick tried and Amanda nodded. It was a part of it.

"I just wanted you to see what a horrible person I was," Amanda whispered.  
"Why would you make yourself out to be something you're not?" he asked. He'd seen a strand of her bangs going down into her eye making her blink and he moved his hand up slowly to brush it away.

"I'm afraid I can't make you happy Nick," Amanda answered catching her lower lip with her teeth. Her hands had been resting high up on his thighs but now he felt her latch on to the fabric right above his hips.

"What makes you fear that?" he asked hoping she would have an answer for him.  
"I… I'm just not capable of…" she started but he could tell when doubt took over and he felt as she was about to take off. He grabbed a hold of her waist keeping her there on the couch next to him.

"Please try Amanda…" he asked and he knew she would as she again grabbed a hold of him with her fists. Her eyes had fled though, her gaze resting somewhere between them.

"I just can't show emotions like you're supposed to," Amanda blurted out quickly just wanting it out and to stop the voices inside her head that told her Nick would find her insane.  
"There's no right or wrong when it comes to emotions and expressing your love Amanda," Nick tried but then got met by Amanda's eyes again.  
"Yes there is," she said persistently, "and you know there is."

He'd grabbed a hold of her cheek and caressed it gently.

"Okay yes, there's a _common_ way but don't you for one second doubt I don't _feel_ that you have love for me," he said forcing her to meet his eyes again as she tried to look away.

"And yes I would love for you to be able to say it but I do feel it Amanda. That's why I fought so hard for you to talk to me, cause I know that you love me too. When we first got together you couldn't even look me in the eyes when we were making love. Now you see me. And I know you adapt to me. Since I know the healthy appetite you have when it comes to sex, believe me I know that when you set the pace for me, I take that very much as a sign that you care for me."

He was making her blush but he didn't care and it only added to the butterflies that were already roaming around his chest and gut. She looked so very adorable when she got shy.

"Hey," he said calling for her attention since, even if she was awfully cute, he didn't want her to feel bad, "I like what we have. I don't expect anything more, not right now. I just want to be with you, spend time with you, make love to you, just be around you."

When he saw her smile a bit awkwardly he felt a little relieved and was able to take a deep breath again.

"And well maybe I would prefer that you instead of making out with another guy talk to me if something's bothering you, could you do that instead maybe?" he asked. Her smile lingered but she looked a little troubled again. The fact was she felt bad for that, and for making out with that other guy Friday night even though she couldn't remember initiating any of that. Nick wasn't aware though and now that she looked troubled he instead remembered what Fin had told him outside.

"Amanda, is it," he started out carefully, "I mean is it the gambling, the fact your dad was a gambler and you saw what that did to your family. Does that have anything to do with why… I mean me, Zara, the future. Are you afraid that would cause trouble? I mean is that why you're afraid to be with me? To commit to me?"

"No," Amanda started but then quickly added, "or yes, I mean of course I worry about it but that's not why… I can't… open up I guess."

"Can you try and tell me why then? I mean no pressure but… if I just know then maybe, I dunno it would feel easier for you, or at least it would ease my worries I guess," he asked but felt afraid that he was pushing too hard, too soon. Here she was just back in his arms and he was already pushing her to a point where he wouldn't blame her if she ran again. But instead of running she did the opposite.

"Can you just hold me for a while?" she asked and he wasn't late to respond welcoming her in to his arms. She leaned her head down against his chest and he moved them up further on the couch so they could just both lean back a little. She curled her legs up next to him and he moved his arm to include all of her in his embrace. He leaned his head down on top of hers and took a deep breath as he closed his eyes. He just felt so lucky to have her back that he forgot for a moment all about what they'd discussed.

Amanda hadn't forgotten though, it was in her thoughts as she fueled courage from him and his caring embrace. In the back of her head she'd always known the answer but she'd just hadn't dwelled on it. She'd chosen to deal with it as everything else in her life, not confront it and just move on. But something had changed. He wanted to know and she wanted to… not please him but to share that with him. She was scared yes, it felt new, unfamiliar to actually want to let someone in. And the worry that he would find her silly lingered inside too.

"I can't remember my mom ever saying that she loved me," she said as loud as she dared to so her voice wouldn't break.

Nick's eyes popped open, her voice had taken him by surprise.

"I can't remember her ever saying it to my sister either," Amanda continued, "I mean she said sometimes something like _you know I love you girls_. But… I don't think I knew."

Amanda pulled a deep breath and Nick dared to move his hand a little over her back. He avoided drawing circles though, not wanting to remind her even more of her mother and the one thing she might have done as a gesture of love.

"My sister brought it up a few years back. I think some counselor or something must've talked to her about it, I mean Kim says she's in love constantly but she's detached, she's lacking some… genuine empathy. I mean you know what happen with Jeff, who she supposedly was in love with even though he beat her and she..."

Nick had felt her body tense up, he knew how all of that had ended and what Kim had done to her. Setting her up to kill her boyfriend and then robbing her blind. As far as he knew she hadn't had contact with her sister after that.

"Well she wanted to try it out, to say it… out loud. So we started saying it to each other but it always feels… felt awkward. We just weren't used to it. Mom never taught us but I knew she could say it, I heard her say it many times, just not to us."

He felt her swallow hard and she remained quiet to the point he started to think she wouldn't say anything more. She'd said plenty already so he wasn't disappointed, he just had a feeling she hadn't gotten to the core just yet.

"She told them," Amanda started again once she had collected herself, "She told every boyfriend. They didn't even have to be boyfriends actually, just acquaintances that stepped through her bedroom door. And she said I love you and I just thought… she's so needy. I would never be that needy. And she told them even when they…"

Amanda had to stop to bite down a sob threatening to slip up her throat. She swallowed it down so she'd be able to go on.

"As they struck her, with blood coming out her nose she said _but I love you_ as though it would save her or… heel something broken. And I thought… I would never be like her. I would never give anyone that power over me the way she did. No one would ever make me that vulnerable."

It hurt him to hear this but it also gave him a very clear understanding on where she was coming from.

"I guess I took it a little far," Amanda whispered trying to put an ironic spin to it but failed. Nick felt her hands grab on a little tighter to him and he wrapped his arms harder around her as though he sensed she needed it.

"I never want to make you feel vulnerable," he said.  
"You don't," she hurried to say, "you empower me. I'm still scared though. I became my dad, I don't want to become my mom too."  
"I haven't met your mom but from what you've told me about her I highly doubt you could ever become her Amanda."

Amanda wanted to believe him but the images of her mother pleading for someone to love her back were still very vivid to her. Her mom down on her knees, clinging to this one guy's jacket, asking him to stay even though he'd just struck her so hard her nose was bleeding. Her mom not wanting to see the bruise on her daughter that her current lover had given her during a not so fun game he'd decided to play with her while intoxicated but all her mom wanted to look at was the flowers he'd just brought home to her.

Amanda pinched her eyes shut to keep the tears from leaking. She took a few deep breaths and just focused on how good it felt to have his body next to hers again, his strong arms around her and his lips now kissing the top of her head. She felt perhaps a little bit vulnerable but she also felt loved and she didn't want to lose that feeling for anything. She wanted to reciprocate the love he gave her it but she just knew she would start crying now if she made any attempt to try and tell him how she felt about him and she just didn't want to make a bigger fool of herself.

"Amanda," Nick said since she hadn't said anything for several minutes and he had a feeling she was done sharing, "All I need to know for now is that you want to be with me. If you could just reassure me of that it would be…"

He wasn't sure how to explain it but he needed reassurance. She had said he empowered her which was wonderful to hear but he just needed a little bit more.

"It would be…" he tried again searching desperate for the right words.  
"I want to be with you Nick," she said though, "I want to be with you."  
"Thanks," Nick said letting out a nervous chuckle, "I mean that's great, awesome."

She smiled into his chest. She wished she could give him more but he seemed to settle with that.

"You know I don't go around spreading my love declarations everywhere either, if you thoughts so," he let her know. She raised her head off his chest so she could give him a look.

"Hi," he whispered once he got to look at her properly.  
"Hi," she answered looking a little bashful.

He looked her entire face over, just wanting to take everything in tonight. When Fin had texted him he'd felt such a relief. He'd just known they would sort it all out and be back together before the night was over. As usual she got a little insecure under his watchful eyes. He realized they had some rebuilding to do but he only saw pleasure in doing that.

"Do you remember the first time we met?" he asked stroking a strand of her hair behind her ear. She nodded slightly, she remembered. He gave the exact date though, she'd only remembered the month. He walked in to the squad room only a few weeks after she'd gotten there.

"You wore a green long-sleeved top with the top button undone, a bright smile and your ponytail came down your left shoulder. You had a firm grip, your hand was cool and you embodied energy," he said smiling at her. She bit down on her lip, she couldn't believe he remembered all that. He must have been checking her out from the get-go.

"What do you remember from our first encounter?" he quizzed. She had to really think back. She remembered she'd been jealous of his grade two but she was rather sure that's not what he was after now.

"You looked a bit rugged," she told him and he let out a chuckle.  
"Yeah I did, first stop I made heading out with Fin was to his barber," Nick reminisced.

"You cleaned up good," she whispered. He raised his eyebrow a little, the smile constant on his face for a while now. He swiped his finger down her cheek.

"I remember the first time you turned me on too," he said looking a little playful. Amanda stirred a little in his arms, something tingled inside her. He could tell she was curious and he thought about using it but he decided to just let her know.

"I don't remember the actual date but I remember the case and that it was late April that following year. We were trying to catch the West Soho Rapist but this vigilante group interfered. Remember?" he asked and she nodded slightly. She did remember the case but she was more curious to know how she'd turned him on.

"You went undercover, I don't think you know but I walked in on you getting dressed. It looked as though you were trying to find out how to get into that skimpy little black number you'd been assigned," he smiled at the memory, "You were only in a pair of sleek black panties and matching bra. Your hair was bundled up in the back, probably to get the wig on later. You had your back to me, to the door, but there was this mirror in front of you and I saw you. I don't think you saw me but I did linger a little longer than I should've and that image of you stayed with me for weeks."

He felt a little bad about that since Maria had just been deployed back home and he'd been in bed next to her with Amanda's image in front of his eyes that night and a few that followed. But he withheld that from the story, that part was no longer important.

"Did you see me?" he asked. She shook her head slightly. She hadn't but she remembered the scene he described.  
"Did you ever… I mean before we hooked up, did you ever… feel something for me?" he was really curious to know this but he wasn't sure she would answer.

"I…" she started but let her eyes fall down as she felt a bit ashamed, "I have to admit I've kind of liked… arguing with you."  
"Ha, I knew it," he blurted out.  
"You didn't," she countered quickly.  
"Okay I didn't," he admitted, "but since I kind of liked it too I hoped it was mutual."

He ran his finger over her lower lip before he leaned down to catch it with his mouth. She opened up her mouth to let him in but he let her go and his face had turned a little more serious when he connected with her eyes again.

"Some arguments I do regret though," he said and she knew which one he meant. She gave him a quick nod to let him know she understood so he wouldn't have to mention Nate by name.

"The fire in your eyes when you get angry," he said wanting to get back to a lighter subject, "it's a little like the one you get in bed."

His eyebrows played a little and she had to smile, ruining the seductive face she'd tried to gain. He helped her get it back though.

"Speaking of bed," he said, "I hope you realize you're spending the night with me."  
"I am?" she asked trying to play oblivious. He nodded slowly, his smile widening.  
"I've heard make up sex can be really good," he mused.  
"Oh?"  
"I mean if you want to of course," he said quickly not wanting to assume she wanted to jump right back in the sack with him.  
"Do you really have to ask," she said though raising an eyebrow at him.  
"It's the polite thing to do," he smiled.  
"When have I ever wanted polite in bed?" she challenged and now he got to raise his eyebrows again.

"Damn I've missed you," he chuckled before connecting with her lips. This time when she opened her lips up he didn't waste any time entering and his tongue quickly found hers. Without breaking their contact she moved around in his arms wanting to get out of the sheltering embrace and more into another type of position. She got her legs around his body and her hands quickly found their way up inside his tee. She'd missed that toned stomach of his, that strong chest with all the muscles working beneath.

He broke contact for a second, let her go and raised his arms over his head so she could swipe his tee off him. She leaned in and placed her lips on his chest, working her way from the middle down to one of his nipples. He started to finger her top wanting to shed it too. He quivered slightly feeling her teeth latch on around his nipple.

"You know you have your top on backwards?" he said as loud as his voice allowed him too. He felt her head shake a little as she mumbled something as her lips worked their way over to his other nipple.  
"I guess it doesn't matter though since I'm going to take it off you very soon," he whispered more to himself than her as he figured she was busy. But she heard him and came up in front of his face.

"Dare," she smiled mischievously.  
"Oh," he breathed with a big grin on his face. He grabbed at her tee but she squeezed her arms tight making it difficult for him. He chuckled slightly liking the challenge she set for him.

"And here I was thinking you wanted to get naked with me," he whispered trying to get his hands on her ticklish spots. She lost her seductive face a little and squirmed as he pinched her sides. When he got a little rougher she had to chuckle out loud and he forced her backwards on the couch. She tried to wriggle out of his grip landing her on her side as he followed her down on the couch.

"Always making me work for it," he teased shoving her down a little further on the couch. She chuckled under his weight.  
"Well of course, one can't be easy," she giggled still trying to squirm out of his grip. He'd forced her down further on her stomach and he'd let go of her top instead forcing his hands in underneath her. One hand was travelling downwards while the other one had already reached one of her breasts and he squeezed it slightly.

"Lucky for me," he whispered right by her ear feeling her relax underneath him as she let out a gasp when his hand slipped in between her legs, "my work's gone a whole lot easier since I found all your weak spots."

"I don't have weak spots," she managed to utter.  
"_I'm_ your weak spot," he smiled placing a kiss on her cheek. He moved himself a little to put more pressure on her behind, forcing her further down against his hand. She exhaled, her breath stocking up in her throat as he watched her close her eyes.

"Okay let's get this off now," he smiled pulling his hands back up to grab a hold of her top. She didn't struggle at all this time around, just let him swipe it up and then over her head. He tossed her top to the side and sank down placing kisses down her spine.

"Maybe I should…" she moaned but lost track thanks to his soft lips and those hands of his roaming up and down the side of her body.  
"Maybe you should what," he asked placing kisses on her back between every word.  
"Take a shower," she managed to push out, "Fin had me running track."

He stopped kissing her for a second glancing up at her face.

"Don't ask," she breathed noticing the lack of his lips on her.  
"Okay," he chuckled starting on her back again, "but I don't mind, I'm going to make you sweaty again anyways."

"I'm a mess though," she breathed as she felt his fingers start to pull at the elastic in her hair. He moved up near her ear again, let his lips catch her earlobe, nibbling on it slightly before he let it go so he could whisper;  
"You're always a mess but that's what I love about you."

That earned him an elbow in his gut, it was soft though and the 'ouch' was mostly for show.

"A hot mess though," he added placing a kiss right on her ear. He got up on his knees on either side of her, kept one hand on the couch next to her so he could stay near her as his other hand found its way in underneath her again.

"But seriously if you had to choose," he said teasing her with his lips around her ear and down her neck, "a shower or getting started on this make up sex straight away."

His fingers were working on the top button in her pants. Once he got it open the rest of them followed rather easily.

"So my lady," he breathed letting his hand slide into her jeans but staying above her panties as he started stroking her, "what's it gonna be? Shower or…"

She whimpered slightly as he put some more pressure on her clit through her panties.

"I'll take that as a yes," he smiled near her ear. Her eyes popped open and he removed his hand as he felt her wanting to turn over. Her arms were around his neck as he laid down over her. Their mouths met, just tenderly working their lips against each other.

"Hi," he whispered once he let her go and met her eyes.  
"Hi," she whispered back.  
"I missed you," he let her know. She swallowed hard.  
"I missed you too," she answered with a whisper.  
"I love you," he tried but his face broke into a wide smile, "Too soon. Sorry had to try."

He placed a quick peck on her mouth and was happy to see that she smiled once he came back up.

"So how about we move this into the bedroom," he suggested.  
"No free peep show for the neighbors tonight?" she smiled. He shook his head.  
"I want you all to myself tonight."  
"Cheapskate," she teased.  
"Oh I think we've already given them enough peep shows to last a lifetime," he smiled.  
"You got a point," she smiled ready to welcome his lips as they came down to meet hers again.

The kiss got heated fast. Her hips had started moving up against his and he felt himself grow hard quickly. She whimpered slightly as he started to pull away from her but then he grabbed her and she followed him back to a sitting position never once losing touch with each other's lips. Her arms were still locked around his neck and when he started getting up on his feet she followed. Before her feet left the couch though he lifted her up and she easily wrapped her legs around his hips. He moved slowly towards the bedroom making sure they got there safe. Once he reached the bed he kept them upright for a while enjoying holding on to her, having her tongue wrapped around his and fondling her ass between her jeans and panties. She was the one that finally let her legs unwrap and she got down on her knees on the bed immediately grabbing for his sweats.

"Hold on," he whispered though pulling her hands with him as he lowered her down on the bed. He placed his knee between her legs so he could get her down carefully and his lips brushed by hers as his hands moved up along her body grabbing on to her simple cotton bra. She raised her hands above her head so he could pull it off her. He stopped by her wrists though, twisted the bra slightly and snagged both her hands down on the bed. His other hand went down cupping her breast as he caught her eyes. She bit down on her lip as he felt her tug a little at the restrains around her wrists.

"Maybe later," he suggested giving her a naughty look, "Right now I want to taste you."

He thought that would make her relax a little but she bit down even harder on her lip so he let her hands go bringing one of her hands down with him. He placed a kiss in the middle of her palm.

"Can I?" he asked.

She looked a little hesitant but he figured it could just be excitement as she started nodding heartily. Smiling he leaned down to give her one last kiss before he started his descend down her body, stopping by both her breasts quickly remembering what made her nipples perk up the fastest. As he let his tongue draw a line down the center of her stomach he got one foot down on the floor below the bed and grabbed a hold of both her jeans and panties by her hips. He placed one last kiss right below her bellybutton and then turned his eyes up to meet hers as he slowly started to pull her last piece of clothing off her. She helped out best she could but he had it mostly under control on his own and tossed her garments to the side once he'd slid them off her completely.

His eyes went down her body and then back up. He took a step closer to the bed again and grabbed a hold underneath her knees so he could pull her down slightly getting her in the position he wanted. He put her legs back down with enough space for him in-between them. She was now able to bend her knees by the end of the bed and he watched her toes curl up in the rug below the bed. One of her hands were handling her own breast and nipple while the other one were up by her neck. He could see excitement all over her and inside her and he didn't want to keep her hanging any longer. He got down on his knees between her legs, letting his eyes follow his hands going up her legs and then swipe over her stomach. He connected with her eyes for a brief moment but lost them as his hands swiped down on the inside of her thighs and she tossed her entire head backwards, her chest rising with a deep inhale.

He put his lips on the inside of one of her knees working his way up. Before he reached the intersection though he broke the connection only to start down by her other knee. Over the top of her thigh he saw her hand grab a hold of the sheet as he got closer again and he could feel the tension underneath both his hands and his mouth. He used two fingers to open up her folds and he blew a puff of hot air over her making her squirm on the bed above him. He decided that was enough of teasing, he actually couldn't hold on much longer either wanting to get his mouth on the deliciousness in front of him. He saw one of her hands come up on her thigh and he grabbed a hold of it, entangling his fingers with hers as his mouth crashed down over her. Their palms pressed hard against each other as his mouth worked her most private part.

Had she been able to speak right then surely 'I love you' would have been right up there with the things she most wanted to tell him. She hoped her body transferred it though as it seemed he were able to pick up on both 'more' and 'deeper' without her having to say it out loud.

**Hours later** she found herself resting on top of him as both were coming down from the latest, shared orgasm. Her ear was resting on his chest just above his heart and she heard it pump in perfect rhythm with her own. She liked how in sync they were. She felt his one hand play around with her damp tassels that were spread over his chest while the other one were drawing those familiar circles down over her bare back.

Her hands were resting slightly beneath him, her thumbs stroking either side of his ribcage. There was a slight moist between their two bodies. It could be either or both of their bodily fluids, probably a mix of it all. She felt in need of a shower but she didn't want to let him go right now. She no longer felt restless or in need to gamble and it was rather astonishing to her. He was the only fix she needed. Usually when they'd finished she pulled away to her corner of the bed but now she felt perfectly comfortable right where she was. She heard him clear his throat a little and she got ready to punch him in case he said something about the fact she was giving him intimacy right now. The thought made her smile.

"Hey I saw that the tryouts or whatever they call it to that dance show of yours were over. Did your favorite make the top twenty?" he asked.

All thoughts about punching him went out the window and she thought it was very sweet of him to ask. She tried shaking her head but it wasn't so easy when she wanted to stay as close to him as she were able to.

"No," she breathed.  
"No?" he echoed sounding a little disappointed for her.  
"I got a new favorite though," she let him know.  
"Oh? You got to show me, it's live on Wednesday right?"  
"Yeah, I have my meeting but I should be back in time."  
"I have it on TIVO so if not we can watch it later on," he said raising his head up so he could kiss the top of her head.

"Did you see Naked and afraid last week?" he asked his voice getting a little drowsier. He felt her nod against his chest.  
"The girl was clueless, her PSR couldn't have been more than a..."  
"Five," Amanda filled in feeling herself drifting a bit.

"Yeah five at a tops, you would've…"  
"…beaten her ass," Amanda filled in. She felt Nick chuckle slightly underneath her. She smiled but it soon faded as she drifted off to sleep, lulled by his heartbeat and the sloppy circles he still tried to draw over her back. Nick felt her body come to a complete rest and not until then let he himself drift off too.

**A phone rang** in the distance making Amanda stir. Still half a sleep she reached out trying to get to the phone. She managed to get up on one elbow, dragging her finger over the green answering button as she brought the phone to her ear.

"Nick?" she heard on the other line and she scrambled to her knees feeling very blessed she'd been too tired to say anything at first. She panicked even more as she saw Liv's name in the window and she almost violently shook Nick that laid on his back all sprawled out next to her.

"Huh?" he said abruptly waking up by her hand on his chest making both him and the bed rock. He immediately caught sight of Amanda's panic-stricken face and she was pointing to the phone. He sat up quickly as he spotted their sergeant's name in the window and he cleared his throat quickly.

"Liv?" he said trying to sound more alert than he felt.  
"Nick, what's going on?" Liv asked on the other line.

"What? Nothing," he said but sounded like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Amanda was wrapping the sheet around her as she tried to get to the bathroom in desperate need of the toilet but also stressed since she already knew what Liv soon would fill Nick in on. They'd overslept.

"Oh shit, sorry serge," Nick blurted out trying to get to his feet, "I forgot to set my alarm, I'll get a move on."  
"Please do, seems it's an epidemic today. Rollins' late too," Liv sighed on the other line and then hung up.

Nick had managed to get his feet down off the bed but got stuck sitting on the edge of the bed for a second yawning as he rubbed his head a bit. He heard the toilet flush and had to smile as he realized things weren't bad at all any longer, sure he was late to work but _she_ was there. They'd made up, everything was perfect. Evidently his body was feeling good as well as he had a morning boner. Feeling a little embarrassed about it but knowing he had to get going he followed her in to the bathroom.

"Okay, so we overslept, Liv was missing you too," Nick said walking in.  
"You didn't say anything did you?" she asked a bit franticly as she unwrapped herself from the sheet to take a quick shower.

"Of course I did, I told her we had make up sex all night and that's why we were late," he said smiling at her and the frown she gave him. He fumbled a little getting the ring up on the toilet as he couldn't stop watching her naked form enter his shower. Once he'd flushed he walked over and pulled the sheer curtain to the side. Her face popped out from underneath the stream of water.

"Oh no," she said as he stepped inside.  
"Oh no what," he teased getting his hands on her once he'd let the shower curtain go behind him.  
"Point that thing somewhere else," she said gesturing downwards. He chuckled sneaking in right next to her so he could steal some water.

"I'll do your back if you give me a hand," he suggested cheekily as he could feel the need for release only increasing by their proximity. She had her back to him so he couldn't see her response at first but he was rather pleased as she turned around handing him the soap bar.

"I knew you couldn't say no to me," he smiled as he felt her hand wrap around him. She rolled her eyes at him but he saw the smile right before he planted his lips on her for a morning kiss.

"Good morning," he whispered once he let her go.  
"Morning," she answered her smile widening, "now earn your keep."

She switched hands on him so she could turn her back towards him. He soaped up her back as promised, swiping her hair to the side and making sure to have small tastes of her shoulders as he worked. She was as usual efficient and it didn't take long until he had to brace himself against the wall to keep upright. She switched hands again and came up between his arms facing him. She had a wicked smile on her face and it made him chuckle right before he caught her mouth with his own. He had to come up for air once he reached release and he panted hard emptying himself in her hand and under the cool ray of water.

"You boys are so messy," she smiled cheekily as she washed her hands under the running water. He chuckled and caught her mouth again. His hands roamed her naked body a little, ending up down between her legs but then she pushed herself away from him.

"No, not now, we have to get to the station," Amanda said a bit frustrated.  
"Okay, later then," Nick smiled, "lunch date?"

She lost her frustrated face as she had to smile at his jumping eyebrows.

"You're such a wicked choir boy," she mumbled as she stepped out of the shower.

**Half an hour later** they drove in to the station's lot. Amanda was still in the clothes she'd arrived in yesterday but this time at least her top was on right. Nick had said he could take her by her place to change but she said they had no time and she had something in her locker to switch too. He demanded a quick kiss before he let her out of the car. He would give her a minute before he walked in after her.

Thankfully Liv was nowhere to be seen when Amanda walked in but Fin was at his desk and gave her a cheeky look from top to toe as she tried to sneak by him.

"You're in trouble," he teased but she just made a face at him and hurried by as she needed to change asap. Fin loved teasing her, he didn't get that many chances. But most of all he just felt really good seeing her look, sure a bit stressed at the moment, but a whole lot calmer and together than yesterday.

Fin wised up as Liv came walking back in again.

"Rollins is here," Fin let her know.  
"Well about time," Liv sighed looking a bit sullen from her visit upstairs. She came to a dead halt right behind Fin's back though and Fin spun around on his chair sensing there was something.

"Did she…" Liv started, her face had eased visible, "look like she'd…"  
"She's fine, just overslept," Fin reassured her and the way he said it made her able to really rely on his words.  
"Good. Great. Thanks Fin," Liv said looking relieved as she continued inside her office.

Nick walked in just a few seconds later, shot Fin a quick nod and then popped his head in to Liv's office.

"Sorry serge, forgot to set my alarm, won't happen again," he said and got back outside as Liv had shot him a look and a quick nod to acknowledge she'd heard him.

"Weird that it happen to both you and Rollins," Fin mumbled as Nick passed him again walking back to his desk. Nick shot him a look trying to look oblivious but failed and tried to focus back at his desk to not give more away.

Amanda came out from the bunks just a minute later and avoided both men's looks since she didn't trust her own cheeks. It didn't take long until Liv walked out into the squad room.

"Well good we're finally all gathered," she said giving Nick the look instead of Amanda, "now let's get this day started…"


	11. Chapter 11

I'm so sorry I've kept you hanging. Inspiration has been at a all time low so I really want to put out an extra thank you to those of you who reviewed these last two chapters, reading your reviews a couple of times really got me back in the game again. Priceless.

And I know, isn't it sad things have to come to an end. But there's like two filler chapters coming up and then the season finale/ending that will be either one or two chapters depending on how long it will run. These filler chapters just have some cutesy (at least I hope you'll find them cute) scenes that all just serve the purpose of getting them to a secure and comfortable place.  
As for Amanda getting pregnant and them getting married, nah I have to disappoint you. I just think it's too soon. I think Amanda's at a point where she just has to get comfortable being in a serious relationship, I think that's a major struggle for her, having someone who she not only _can_ share things with but who also _wants_ her to, that close to demands her to. Saying that though I'm not sure yet if he will bring up the nightmares/scars or not, I'll take it into consideration. There's something coming up in the end of this chapter (a slight hiccup, or should I say hurricane?) that will sorta put a few things on point and we'll see what things that will drag up. Focus will be on their relationship from now on though.

**Smut warning**. Do I even have to put that in? Goes without saying almost. And thank you for asking, I've put in a little conversation about the other 'socket' (*lol*) I actually wrote something about that a few chapters back but I ended up deleting it since I wasn't sure if you all wanted to read it or not. Well I'll let you read this and then get back to me if you want to see/read the outcome of their little conversation about the matter or if it should just stay in oblivion.

Lyrics used and mentioned in this chapter is Aloe Blacc's "I'm the Man". Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 11**

* * *

Not that he had enjoyed their fight and time apart but once they were back on track it seemed to prolong their honeymoon phase and he even started to wonder if this would be a constant state together with her. She just made him feel great, not only in bed but just hanging around her made life feel fun again, something he had only experienced together with his son or daughter these past couple of years.

Just as they'd talked about they met that Wednesday to have dinner and watch So you think you can dance together. He'd set the living room table with plates and drinks. He'd opened a bottle of wine hoping that would keep her there for the night. She headed straight to his place once her GA meeting was meeting only making a quick stop to pick up Chinese food for them.

"I come bearing gift," she said holding up the paper bag once he let her in. He gave her a quick kiss thinking that he didn't mind greeting her but he really thought it was time she got her own key since she was over there all the time these days.

"I set up the living room table for us," he let her know helping her to hang her jacket as she stepped inside.  
"Awesome," she answered.  
"Do you want wine, or something else?"  
"Wine will be smashing," she said putting the paper bag on the table right before she plopped herself on the couch.

"How was the meeting?" he asked sitting down next to her helping her to get their food from the bag to their plates. Her answer stalled so he shot her a look worrying she felt he was intruding but it seemed something on the TV had caught her attention.

"Huh?" she said as he poked her in the side.  
"How was your meeting?" he tried again once he had her focus.  
"Oh it was…" she said taking a second to collect her thoughts, "I dunno, sometimes I just want to slap the victimization out of some people. Does that sound mean? It does doesn't it?"

She frowned as she sat back on the couch. He followed her down, putting his hand on her knee and letting it run down her thigh as he leaned towards her.

"Sounds human," he said trying to reassure her that her feelings weren't weird.  
"I mean no one forces you to gamble. Yes sometimes external circumstances push you there but you have the power to choose to deal with the stress in other ways. I'm not a victim," she said decisively.

"I'm absolutely not calling you a victim but what about the fact your dad was a gambler. Don't you think that somehow influences you, makes you prone to gamble?" he was watching his words knowing he could tick her off.

"Your dad was a wife beater, does that make you one?" she said. He could sense a tiny bit of argumentative tone in her voice but her face looked calm.  
"I know, and you know, I have that rage inside me yes but I would like to think I could never hit someone I love," he said locking her eyes with his.

"What if I wanted you to hit me? What if I deserved to be hit?" she asked and now she sounded a bit more combative.  
"Why would you _want_ me to hit you?" he asked stroking her cheek gently. She'd still not told him why she flinched when he'd raised his hand in the hallway this Sunday. She looked a little insecure as she shrugged.

"Of course I wouldn't want you to hit me," she then said suddenly, pushing her way past him so she could sit back up and continue shuffling take out boxes on the table.  
"I mean if we're not talking spanking in bed," she said cheekily, throwing him a look over her shoulder.

He could tell she was trying to cover something though. He sat up next to her, letting his hand go up her back and into her hair a little that was up in a loose bun. He worried about her when she said stuff like that. It felt as though he got tiny glimpses of her most sacred and well-hidden treasure chest that held all her insecurities and worries. That held dark thoughts and desires she was even scared to face herself.

"You could never _deserve_ to be hit Amanda," he said placing his lips softly on her temple, "and I'll make sure I will never ever become my dad. You will never have to be afraid of me."  
"I'm not," she said throwing him a look like what she said should be obvious, "Afraid of you."  
"I'm glad," he said with a smile.

He nodded when she asked him if he wanted beef and he watched her scoop some up on his plate. He wasn't so sure though. About her not being afraid. Not physically. She could probably take him in a fight but then again that was different from a man striking his woman. No he would never hit her and he was rather sure she trusted him not to but she was afraid of him. The non-physical. The sharing of emotions and feelings and just letting him in. He was pretty sure that part scared the crap out of her. He hoped time and his devotion to her would fix that.

Once she handed him his plate he caught her hand before she could retract it and he kissed the palm of it. She smiled a bit crocked towards him and he smiled right back. The show started a little later while they were still eating and he had to remind her every now and then to eat. He loved how invested she was in the show. By now he knew most of the dancer's name too. He started to spot talent as well and agreed with her on this one number that had all three judges standing once the song ended. It had been really spectacular and moving.

He thought the girl looked a little like Amanda, picturing her in that dress and moving across the stage fluently like that got him slightly aroused. It helped a little too that her hand was resting right by his crotch where they now sat leaned back on the couch close together. Her fingers started tapping whenever a song came on and it made him loose a little focus on the show every time. He didn't want to disturb her but couldn't help himself and he moved her hand slightly so it landed right on him. He smiled as she didn't even seem to notice. His mind got a little sneaky as he thought about what else he could get away with.

"What you smirking about?" she asked him, having caught him chuckling.  
"Oh nothing," he smiled kissing her cheek.  
"Just so you know," she said as she squeezed his erection a little, "you're not getting more than a hand job until the show ends."

That made him chuckle again and he just had to catch her mouth for a proper kiss.

"It's okay, I can wait for the full service," he whispered once he let her go.  
"Sure?" she asked keeping her hand a little on stand-by.  
"I'm sure," he said with a nod.  
"Doesn't feel like it," she teased raising her eyebrows at him. He chuckled again but then moved in behind her pulling her back to rest against him so she could enjoy the rest of her show. No their show.

When the show ended Amanda sneaked away to the bathroom cursing a little since one of her favorites had been voted off. Nick couldn't help but smile as he brought some of the dishes out into the kitchen. She joined him a little later and helped him clean up. Luckily she'd seemed to swallow the loss of the dancer quickly and they talked about one of the group dances that had been really awesome. She made a swirl in the middle of the kitchen as she tried to copy one of the dance moves and he smiled snapping the towel after her.

He left her in the kitchen after a while and walked out with a mission.

"Hey thanks for ditching me with…" she said walking out but stopped both talking and walking as she caught the music he'd put on and him standing in the middle of the floor holding his arms out towards her.

"Naha," she said shaking her head.  
"Oh c'mon you love to dance," he said.  
"Not that kind of dancing," she said folding her arms defiant in front of her.

"My mom said she could spot talent in you," he tried as he walked up to her.  
"What your mom felt in my hips probably had nothing to do with dancing and please let us not talk about that," Amanda said feeling her cheeks go red.

"C'mon dance with me," he begged rubbing his hands up and down her arms a little. She looked very reluctant but he could tell she wasn't completely obstinate any longer.

"Is this Stand by me?" she asked for the first time really hearing the lyrics.  
"A Spanish version, in a different beat," he smiled trying to dig out her hand from her folded arms so he could get her to step out on his imaginary dance floor. He managed to get to her hand and since he knew she wouldn't let him if she really didn't want to he dared to drag her out from the wall a little.

"I'm gonna step on your toes…" she whined.  
"I would worry if you were like two hundred pounds heavier," he said pulling her further out. He placed her hand on his own shoulder and grabbed a hold of her other hand as his other hand went around her waist.

"Just relax," he said feeling how tense she was. Without shoes on he had about two inches on her and she peeked up at him from underneath her bangs. She had a hard time not showing how uncomfortable she felt but at the same time something inside of her wanted to experience it with him.

"I suck," she mumbled as she stepped the wrong way as he started moving. He tried to contain his smile but he liked how she always had to be perfect at everything she tried.

"Hey, stop looking at your feet," he said once they at least got going a little.  
"And make it completely impossible," she sighed.  
"Trust me," he said and got her to look up, "and follow my lead."

"Oh so you're the one in lead?" she mocked a little.  
"Yes for once I get to be the leader," he smiled brightly tightening his grip around her waist so he could hold her closer. She stumbled on his foot though and she sighed.

"Just keep moving," he tried and kept going.  
"It would help if you could lead a little better," she whined but then her face lit up once she caught his grin.

"I think it would actually help if we picked up a little speed," he said and picked up a little more pace. She looked a little worried but it eased as she realized it actually worked. That was until she stepped on his foot again and they almost fell over.

"I told you I suck," she said and tried to pull away but he wouldn't let her.  
"You don't suck, I'm the one who sucks at leading," he said to give her a way out and, since the song has flipped to one with even slower beat, he placed her other hand on his shoulder as well and wrapped both arms around her waist. He caught one last look of her smile before she placed her cheek against his chest and he tilted his head down on top of hers. For the rest of the song they just moved very slowly around the same spot on the middle of the floor. He could feel her relax and not once did she step on his foot.

The next track was a little more upbeat and he could feel her sigh.

"Let's set our own pace," he whispered.  
"Isn't this a little slow for us though," she mumbled and made him chuckle.

"How about…" she said and he felt himself get pushed a little backwards. He realized quickly that she was pushing him back towards he bedroom and since he had a hard time believing he wouldn't like whatever she had planned he just let her take him there.

"You'll do anything to not waltz with me," Nick teased once she let him go in the bedroom.  
"Well do you prefer dancing? We can go back out there," she said starting to walk back out.  
"Oh no you don't," he said grabbing a hold of her pulling her back in his arms. She chuckled but he quiet her by placing his mouth on hers kissing her passionately before he brought her over to the bed.

**That following weekend** they went out with AJ and her friends. This time Nick found himself in a tequila race with AJ just to get a few scoops on their mutual friend. So while Amanda tore up the dance floor Nick found himself getting hammered. Sometime during the night he lost track of time and really had no idea how he got home.

But well after ten am he found himself in his own bed waking up by a slight shift in the mattress. Before opening his eyes, with only the sweet smell of coffee in his nose he felt rather good. Once he tried moving slightly though and opening his eyes his entire system went on red alert and all he really could do was groan.

"Not feeling so hot there buddy," he heard a mocking voice next to him say and he managed to get one eye open. Amanda was sitting up, leaning against the headboard with a cup of coffee in a tight grip right by her mouth. She was smiling at him and he tried to smile back but even that hurt. He was happy she hadn't pulled the curtains at least, he could only imagine how painful light would be right now.

"I think we roll reversed last night, really weird," Amanda said sounding as amused as she was. It had been really fun seeing him wasted and it leveled the scale at least a little bit. She had another taste of her coffee and then put it down on the tray that also held his coffee and a plain toast she'd made for him knowing how bad he would feel this morning.

She had flamed AJ a little for challenging him on a tequila race but felt a little guilty herself for not warning him to never try and beat AJ when it comes to alcohol. She was a sponge. But drunk Nick had been fun and corky Nick. The fun one she'd met before but corky was new. Only hassle was loading him in to a cab, he'd gotten himself out by more or less rolling out, and then getting him up the stairs. Once in bed he'd been rather easy to undress even if unconscious, she had practice after all.

"You want some coffee?" she offered deciding to play nice for now. She did after all know how bad a hangover could feel. She thought she heard a negative response to the coffee though and she lay down next to him extending her hand to gently stroke the side of his head. He managed to get one eye open again and he tried to smile a little.

"I hate tequila," he managed to croak closing his eye again.  
"I know, devil's water," she agreed with him. He felt like chuckling but didn't dare to try since he fear that would hurt. Her soft fingers stroking through his hair felt good though.

"I can't remember what happen after those many, many, many tequilas, did I make a fool of myself?" he dreaded the answer but couldn't keep from asking. When she didn't answer he forced his eye back open.

"Do you want the whole truth and nothing but the truth or do you want me to lie to make you feel better?" she asked once he caught her eyes.  
"Truth will set me free?" he tried but she shook her head.

"Okay, just give it to me gently," he smiled.  
"Does Aloe Blacc's 'I'm the man' ring a bell?" she asked. When he looked a little confused she sang a few lines and unfortunately a faint memory popped up.  
"_I'm the man, I'm the man, I'm the man. Yes I am, yes I am, yes I am."_

When that song came on he'd grabbed a bottle of the bar and started singing rather loudly when the chorus came on. Amanda had needed assistant to try and stop him from climbing the bar as he supposedly wanted to sing the song to the entire club.

"So you do remember," she chuckled as she saw his face crumble.  
"You can tell everybody, go ahead and tell everybody, I'm the man, I'm the man, I'm the man," she sang to really rub it in.

"Please stop," he begged feeling embarrassed as hearing the song gave him images from his karaoke display last night. When she didn't stop though he managed to get his hands up and he tried to cover her mouth with them. She chuckled and avoided them easily. But she quiet down to not humiliate him more. He'd managed to get a hold of her hand and he brought it back to his own head.

"Please keep doing what you did before," he begged and she happily indulged him. She kept doing it for a while just enjoying looking at him.

"You want to try some coffee?" she asked once he started to stir a little.  
"Water?" he croaked and she reached for the glass she'd put on the bed stand last night. She gave him time to get up on his elbow and then helped him drink some.

"Toast?" she asked while he was up and he nodded slightly.  
"Hangover food?" he asked once she'd fed him a bite.  
"Yeah but I'll run out and get you a banana and honey smoothie once I get dressed," she said feeding him another bite.

"Trust me they work," she said as she saw him frown at the odd blend. She managed to get the toast and some more water into him before he scrambled down on the bed again. She got the tray off the bed so she could scoot in a little closer to him.

"God I don't think I've been this drunk since college," he complained. She made a pitying sound with her tongue against her palate.

"And you call yourself a choir boy," she sighed but with a smile on her face.  
"Hey, _you_ call me that," he said opening his eyes back up. The white bread and water had perked him up a little it seemed.

"At your age you should really know better," she teased trying hard not to make it too harsh.  
"You should watch yourself you know," he enlighten her, "AJ and I wasn't just having a tequila race. It was an exchange of information of sort, all about you. Your spring breaks in Florida…"

Amanda tried to act cool but she knew AJ had some real dirt on her and even though AJ could hold her liquor she was a sponge with a blabbermouth so Amanda was a little bit worried. He could tell she got a little uneasy and even though he was hung-over he hadn't lost his chivalry.

"If only I could remember what she told me though," he said with a crooked smile. She pulled a breath and got up on her elbows next to him so she could kiss that sweet face of his.

"Do you even remember you were dry humping me during the night?" she asked. He peeked up at her.  
"I didn't…" he whispered bashful.  
"Ha," Amanda spat out, "More than once I tell ya."

Amanda had never been chivalry and she wasn't about to start now. Nick slipped off his pillow so he could use it to cover his head with.

"You're one horny drunk but your aim is shite," Amanda said but then Nick lashed out towards her and they ended up tumbling around for a bit as Amanda tried to keep making fun of him while Nick tried to quiet her by kissing her.

"I'm never getting that drunk again, like ever again," Nick said once he had her pinned underneath him.  
"I mean I'm okay with it, I won't have to get a dog when I have you to dry hump my leg every now and then…" she started laughing as Nick got a hold of her one ticklish spot. He would've kept going if her laugh didn't hurt his eardrums so much and he fell down on his back with a big sigh. She came scooting over and started to rub his head gently again.

"Best cure ever," he mumbled as her touch lulled him to sleep. He would have to eat that drunken night of his for weeks to come but at least he had fun up until the hangover and he could take her signing him up to sing "I'm a man" whenever they came by a karaoke night somewhere.

**The following week** they kept up their act, pretending they weren't an item at work only to meet up after shift. He had Zara that weekend and he'd let Amanda know during a dinner earlier that week. He'd hinted that it didn't mean she had to stay away. He wasn't sure if she'd picked up on his hints though as she'd looked a little unfocused. He figured it could just be her way of avoiding the subject though.

"So how about you joining me and Zara for lunch or something Saturday?" Nick came right out with it to avoid misunderstandings. Amanda gave him a quick look, he couldn't really read her face.  
"I was thinking I'd head out with AJ Friday night," she said breaking their gaze picking up her phone, "so I might not be, well fit for fight by lunch."

She gave him a quick smile but then went back to checking her phone. He wondered if she really had made plans with AJ or if this was just a cop out.

"How about dinner then?" he suggested as he really wanted to see her that weekend and not only so she could spend time with his daughter. Amanda gave him a wishy-washy face.  
"I don't think I should hang around a kid with a hangover," she said and when she saw him open his mouth to say something she quickly cut in; "I'm gonna get another soda, want one?"

Before he could answer though she'd disappeared into the kitchen. He sat still for a few seconds but then grabbed his glass and went after her. He found her leaning against one of the counters, the side of a finger stuck to her mouth as she seemed to be thinking. She looked a little busted when she noticed him and she immediately went to open the fridge door.

"Oh you wanted one too?" she asked throwing him a quick look before her eyes went back inside the fridge. It looked as though she couldn't find what she was looking for. Nick smiled a little, he liked the fact he could see through her rather easily at this point but he wished she didn't feel a need to play this game.

He walked up to her and grabbed the fridge door from her. She looked at him with equal part confusion and fear as he closed the door and then leaned against the fridge grabbing a hold of her so he could wheel her in a little.

"Do you have something against my daughter?" Nick asked, it was meant as a joke but Amanda took it seriously and immediately said;  
"No, absolutely not."

She'd put her hand on his chest and she looked very remorseful.

"Then what is it?" he asked but immediately regretted it as Amanda wriggled loose. She turned towards the other counter, gazing out the window a bit.  
"You should just spend time with her," she said a bit vaguely.

"Well I do spend time with her," he said walking up behind her. He put his hands on either side of her on the counter and boxed her in a little. Coming that close to her neck tempted him and he couldn't help to put his lips down on her soft skin and those baby curls she had right there. She pulled away though but he wouldn't let her pass his arm.

"Hey, what's going on," he said making her turn to face him. He knew she wouldn't let him keep her there if she really didn't want to. She avoided his eyes though, even when he tried pushing her chin up. She looked very sad and he got concerned.

"Talk to me Amanda," he begged. She swallowed hard and it looked as though she wanted to say something but couldn't. Nick grabbed a hold of her hips and he got her up on the counter, quickly placing himself in-between her legs and she wrapped her arms around his neck. He wrapped his tightly around her and they just stayed close for a while. He could hear her breathing calming down and he started to rub his hands up and down her back. He could stay like that forever but he also wanted her to tell him whatever it was that was troubling her, he knew it was something. He tried to separate himself from her but she clung on.

"Hey," he chuckled a little getting a mental image of himself as the monkey mama with her baby. She gave way a bit after he tried some more though and he stroke her cheek. She wouldn't look at him still.

"What's going on Amanda?" he asked getting more concerned. He knew he couldn't wish for miracles, that she wouldn't open up to him like a book about everything. She needed time and all he could do was try and prove to her he'd still be there no matter what she told him. He soared at every small breakthrough though and today he'd get another one.

"I just want you to spend time with her," she whispered.  
"I am spending time with her, I don't get what that has to do with us though."  
"You can't let me get between you," she whispered peeking up at him a little.  
"Why would I…" he wasn't following and tried hard to understand where this came from. It suddenly struck him though.

"Your mom," he said as it got as clear as day to him, "all those boyfriends, she let them come before you. Before you and your sister."  
"It's nothing," she said trying to get down off the counter but he wouldn't let her.

"Hey, look at me," he said a bit harshly but she still had trouble facing him.  
"Okay, but listen then," he said not wanting to force her to do anything she didn't want to.

"Nothing can come between me and my kids okay," he said, "Zara loves you and for her to have you in her life too would be the best thing that could happen to her. And I wish I had more time with Gil so he would get the chance to get to know you too."

He could tell she still wasn't convinced though and he finally grabbed a hold of her chin, forcing her to look at him as he figured it was for her own good.

"Look, my heart," he said putting his free hand above his own heart, "its big enough to hold Gil, Zara _and_ you. You each get a piece okay? All the pieces together form my heart, I don't want to be without anyone of you. I tell them I love them every time I see them, and I'll keep telling you just how much I love you until there's no doubt in the world that can tell you otherwise."

He thought he saw tears in her eyes and he worried he'd upset her. He knew she wasn't the best at handling feelings like this, he was still waiting for her to tell him she loved him. He feared he'd pushed her too far but then she leaned in and kissed him and everything felt good again. No actually more than good.

It was a sweet kiss, one of those that starts out soft and continues like that for a while as tongues roll around each other's and hands softly wanders up and down the body attached to those lips. But as usual it didn't stay at sweet as the fire finally erupted and both hands got more eager. He tried asking her, still with his mouth attached to hers, if she wanted to take it in to the bedroom but his words got muffled by her eager lips and her eager hands more or less gave him an answer as she started pulling at his sweats. He helped her shove his pants down and then kicked them off his feet as her hand worked his crotch. He got his hands on her pants and she raised herself up on her hands so he could pull them off her.

He got aware of the window right behind her and while trying to stay locked with her mouth he leaned back behind her trying to reach for the blinds. She moaned against his mouth enjoying the pressure he put on her. The blinds came dropping down getting stuck on some things in the window but he just had time to swipe his hand once trying to clear the area before her efforts to put him inside of her demanded his immediate attention.

She fell backwards a little, letting out a deep moan as he pushed himself all the way inside of her. Her palms connected with the counter behind her, holding her up. He grabbed her butt cheeks and pulled her out a little further on the counter so he could get deeper inside of her. She left one hand on the counter but the other one went up behind her, getting entangled in the blinds as she tried to find a spot to hold on to as he thrusted up inside of her. He kept one hand behind her ass holding her in place as the other one went up inside her tee. His mouth followed his hand up and he swiped away her tee so his mouth could reach her breasts.

She fell back even further, panting hard as he bit down on one of her nipples. He moved his hand up around her shoulder so he could hold her down against his thrusts. He could feel he wasn't far off and his mouth came up to try and find hers. Their mouths met briefly but both were in need of air and his mouth ended up down by her neck where he could breathe a little better between love bites into her skin. Her mouth was right by his ear just panting hard, egging him on even more.

He had almost pushed her ass completely off the counter now wanting to get even deeper inside of her. The counter chafed a little against her lower back but she quite enjoyed the mix of pleasure and pain so she didn't complain. In her attempts to find places for her hands to land to brace herself she knocked kitchen items off the counter and they made a ruckus as they landed on the floor. Neither paid any attention to that right now though. She could tell by the noises he made that he would come and she grabbed a hold on each side of the small kitchen window to ready herself for the rapid and powerful thrusts that would soon follow.

She enjoyed his orgasm almost as much as her own. And in a good way. Not the "I hope he comes soon cause this is a total drag and I just want to go home and sleep" kind of way which was the case with some one night stands she'd gone home with. No this was totally different. His pleasure gave her pleasure and she'd never experienced that before. And it had nothing to do with achievement and she hoped it hadn't anything to do with the authority complex Murphy had brought up a while back.

Once he'd emptied himself inside of her he gave himself a few seconds to just breathe before he let her go only so she could get her feet on the floor and he could turn her over. He knew that position gave her great pleasure, he'd never forgot that first time. _"You'll make me come like a banshee."_ His mind still spun a little whenever he thought of that and just how damn sexy it had been.

The red scuffmarks on her lower back gained his attention though.

"I did that?" he asked a bit shocked carefully swiping his fingers over the red, raw marks. Their adventuress exploration of both their places and what sexual positions they could get themselves in had left both of them both scuffed and bruised before but he would never get used to leaving marks on her, especially not ones looking like this.

"It's fine," she breathed though.  
"It's not, I'm sorry," he said leaning down placing small kisses over the scuffmarks.

"I know this brilliant way you can make it up to me," she whispered seductively and he couldn't help but smile as he caught her naughty eyes looking back at him over her shoulder. He raised his eyebrows a little.

"Please tell me," he whispered letting his hands go up her body bringing her tee with him and pulling it all the way over her head leaving her completely naked in front of him.  
"I don't have to tell you, you know how to please me," she whispered with seduction dripping off every word. She'd taken a wider stand and rubbed her ass a little against him. Her elbows were down on the counter giving him a little room between her body and the counter to let his hands run up her body.

"Oh I know how to please you alright," he smiled caressing her breasts and hardening nipples.  
"A lot of talk and no action thus far though," she teased and he chuckled but at the same time let one of his hands go down her body again.

He grabbed a hold of himself as he needed a little bit of help to find his way inside of her again. Once he was inside of her though he just kept himself close to her and he let his hand swipe around her body so he could get up inside her legs from the other way and get his fingers on her clit. He got an immediate response as he found his target and she sank down, completely connecting with the counter. He wasted no time, thrusting hard inside of her while his hand worked her clit just the way he knew she liked it.

She made sounds that had him both smiling and his head spinning. Her hands were trying to find places to grab a hold off but she lost grip with every new wave of pleasure that ran through her body. It didn't take long until she reached climax and he groaned feeling her insides tighten around him. He let her clit go but kept thrusting himself in side of her through her orgasm, prolonging it and making her cry out with pleasure as her body jerked underneath him. He eased up a little once he could feel her orgasm draining her and he let her come down of it a bit. He kept moving slowly in and out of her though, letting his hands move from her hips up to her armpits and then down again. He trailed small kisses up her back, taking small bites off her neck once he got there. He just couldn't get enough of her_. Why had he wasted almost three years and not just jumped her right off the bat? Had he known they could've been doing this he surely wouldn't have waited. And now that he had her he would make sure he pleased her so she would never ever want to leave him._

He grabbed a hold around her shoulder, put his other hand on her hip and started pounding her harder again. Every time he reached bottom their bodies made a sound as they clashed together. It didn't take long until she started making noises again, sounds that together with her starting to tighten up around him again told him she was near orgasm again. He was back to full erection now and knew he would be able to come with her which made him all that more excited and he thrusted so hard he took her off the floor. He felt her entwine her legs around his and her hands came up to grab a hold of the window frame making it possible for her to brace herself against his thrusts. Even in a submissive position she wanted that control and he loved that about her but it didn't have to mean he couldn't pretend he was the one in the driver's seat.

"Are you gonna come?" he panted.  
"Yes," she managed to whisper, even that short word stocking up in her throat.  
"Did I tell you you could come?" he said leaning down closer to her ear without losing momentum.  
"P-please," she begged.  
"Ask me again," he said entangling his fingers in her hair, latching on a little.  
"P-please let me come," she begged. He kept her hanging for a bit, biting down on her ear.  
"Okay, you can come," he whispered quickly and at that very moment she cried out as she let herself go.

He tried to give her time for herself but after a while he couldn't hold back and he came hard inside of her. When he was done she was still going and he tried to keep himself inside of her as his hand went around to help her prolong the pleasure. His legs were buckling a bit though and soon he had to grab a hold further up on the counter to keep them both off the floor. He stayed above her feeling her ride out the orgasm underneath him.

"Do you want to go again?" he asked once he was able to talk again. His mouth was by her shoulder and he placed a few small kisses there but stopped once he felt her chuckling underneath him.

"What?" he asked smiling.  
"I don't think I can…" she said still a little out of breath trying to get her feet back on the floor.

"Oh so you surrender," he said not able to keep gloating from his voice.  
"You wish," she whispered trying to separate herself a little from the counter to claim some of her independence back.

"Oh?" he asked getting his hand in in-between her legs again easily finding what he was looking for. She shivered just by a little pressure on her clit and she begged him to stop. He'd only done it to prove a point so of course he obeyed her, letting his hand caress the inside of her thigh instead just so she'd know he could assault her again if he wanted to.

"So you had enough for tonight?" he teased wanting her to admit she couldn't handle more if that was the case. As usual though she managed to snag him.  
"For tonight? No, just until we reach the bedroom," she whispered pushing him back so she could spin around in his arms.

He lifted her back up on the counter and their mouths met. Her arms folded around his neck, her fingers digging in to his hair. His hands went up and down her back for a while before he grabbed a hold of her butt cheeks pushing her forward, into him. She yelped a little into his mouth as their bodies met again.

"Are you sure you can handle more?" he teased separating slightly from her mouth.  
"Feel free to test me," she teased right back and his smile spread over his face.  
"I'll do that," he said swiping her off the counter so he could bring the continuation to the bedroom.

**A little later** they were both panting, coming down from yet another shared orgasm. She was on her side, he right behind her trailing kisses down her body. He liked that she didn't pull away any longer once they were done, that she stayed there and let him fondle her or just hold her. Tonight he couldn't stop touching her, letting his fingers run over that smooth skin of hers that was a little damp all over right now. When his mouth reached her hip he found a little pool of sweat right above it and he let his tongue soak it up. His hand swiped up her thigh and over that perfectly shaped ass of hers. His fingers ended up right by her crack and he softly let his fingertips move over it a little. His thoughts started to wander a bit.

"What?" she asked taking him out of his own thoughts.  
"What?" he asked a little distracted.  
"What you thinking about?" she asked and he chuckled a little.

"How do you know I was thinking about something?" he quizzed.  
"I can hear it," she said. He both heard and saw the smile as he moved further up her body.

"Oh you can hear it," he smiled making her squirm as he pinched her side. Her eyes had been closed but now she opened them up as she giggled a little. She met his eyes and he felt his gut flip just by the beauty he saw in them.

"Tell me," she said her smile weakening a little.  
"It's a little embarrassing," he admitted resting his chin on her upper arm as his fingers started to rub her hip a little. She raised her eyebrow at him.

"Okay," he said realizing he didn't have to feel embarrassed with her, "I was just thinking, or wondering… if you like like…" He interrupted himself chuckling slightly at his iteration. She smiled but her eyebrow went up again.

"Okay," he tried again and did his best to collect himself, "Do you ever like do it from behind _behind_?"

He watched her closely not really sure how she would react. He was a little afraid he would upset her for some reason, he just feared she would think he thought she was all about sex. It wasn't like that, he just wanted to experience everything with her. Right now it was sex since their relationship had to be secret still but he hoped their future held exploring the world with travels, restaurant visits, theater and other public events and such things as just holding her hand in public and being able to show the world how much he loved her.

"You mean… the backdoor," she said a bit hesitant. He nodded carefully. Her eyes wandered to the ceiling a bit as she seemed to think about what to say to that. But then her eyes suddenly came back to meet his and she asked;  
"You like that?"

She was a little surprised. Not that he was timid in bed but she knew she'd taught him a few things he hadn't experienced before. He was a fast and willing learner though.

"I haven't… tried it," he admitted.  
"But you like to?" she guessed.

"I mean only if you… do you like it?" he asked carefully.  
"I guess, I mean, sure if you want to try it," she said but he felt she avoided his question a bit and he got up on his elbow, making her fall back a little further on her back so he could get a better view of her entire face.

"I only want to try it if _you_ like it," he said seriously.  
"Well yeah sure, we can do it, not now though, I'll let you know when," she said.

"But it doesn't sound like you like it Amanda and then I don't want to do it," he said feeling like he was forcing her to do something she didn't really like.  
"It's not that I don't _like_ it," she said smiling a little, "it's just I don't really get off on it so…"

She left it at that shrugging slightly. He traced her cheekbone with his finger.

"Then let's not do it," he said.  
"No, I want to Nick," she said quickly though, "it's kind of fun ruining the choir boy in you."

She smiled cheekily forcing him to smile too.

"Are you sure?" he asked though.  
"I'm sure," she said reinforcing it with several nods.

"Well only if you feel like it," he said reaching up to catch her lips briefly.  
"I won't be upset if it doesn't happen," he said once he let her lips go again, "I'm certainly not complaining about the sex we're already having."

"Well I'm glad I'm not disappointing you…" she said making a face but he saw the smile underneath.  
"Oh you never disappoint," he said sliding in behind her again, spooning her as he let his arm snake around her so he could hold her tight.

"Never?" she asked curiously.  
"Never ever," he reassured her, "you're my sexual revolution. I don't know what I've done to deserve you but I'll never stop thanking God for it."  
"Are you sure that's something you should discuss with God about? Won't father Ortega to somersaults in his coffin?"

Both of them chuckled a little remembering Nick's birds and bees talk with the minister at his church.

"Not even the threat of purgatory can keep me away from you," Nick said snuggling in to her as he started to feel sleepy. He was so very grateful, to have her and that she was so easy to talk to about slightly awkward things like anal sex.

Amanda felt him chuckle a little next to her as he drifted off to sleep. It was rare he fell asleep before her but she must have really drained him tonight. She smiled as she thought that. Yeah she knew sex was one of her specialties, there was no point denying it. And she liked the thought of introducing him to anal sex even though it wasn't really something she was in to. She didn't hate it though, it was just that many guys she picked up for a one night stand were the type of guys that probably watched porno flicks and they seemed to just feel the need to stick it there at least once during the session, not all of them but some.

Some asked if it was okay and she would always go along as long as they weren't too big. In her experience they always wanted to go back to the regular way though, men and their pussy, couldn't beat it. She had a regular lover a few years back though that kept doing unannounced visits back there and since he was rather big it wasn't fun to be sprung like that and in the end she'd called it quits since he just didn't learn that she at least wanted some warning before he switched sockets. It was too bad cause he was a really good lover if you just disregarded the backdoor bits.

She felt a little bad about thinking of that ex now and spun around in Nick's arm to get even closer to him. He stirred a little in his sleep, rearranging his arm around her once she faced him. She smiled as she placed her cheek on his chest and she placed her hand behind his neck rubbing those soft tassels a bit. She never had faith in a God but she did feel a little blessed right now. She must have done something good in this life to be awarded him and she hoped she wouldn't do anything to screw that up.

* * *

"Please come with us Manda," Zara begged getting up in Amanda's lap. Nick just watched with amusement as he saw his daughter use all the tricks in her book to win Amanda over. The decent thing to do might have been to help Amanda out since he knew how ruthless his daughter could be in her convincing methods but he really wanted her to succeed.

What they were trying to get Amanda to say yes to was a day at the beach. Earlier that week Nick had promised Zara that they would visit Long beach when she came down for the weekend. He'd spent Friday night alone with her since he knew how determined Amanda was that he spent time with just Zara. Then he'd taken Zara to Central Park for a kid friendly tour on Saturday as she was very interested in everything involving nature right now. They'd spent most of the day there, played and had ice-cream but Zara kept asking him about Amanda and if she could join them. She'd been talking about Amanda since she arrived yesterday. Nick had warned Amanda, that Zara would want to see her, so it didn't come out of the blue when he called her that afternoon and invited her to have dinner with him and his daughter.

Amanda played difficult at first but then he put Zara on the phone and less than a minute later they had a date for the night. He offered to pick her up but she said she would drive over herself so Nick and Zara hurried to get grocery and then started composing a three course meal. Nick tried to sway Zara in to skipping a starter since he knew Amanda's view on those but Zara insisted that they do it and that they call them appetizers. He helped her do an avocado salsa dip to serve with the nachos he already had at home since he knew his daughter loved them.

Nick did his famous spicy Cuban mojo chicken with a mango-avocado salsa and some cooked vegetables. Zara liked it and she also said it was a bit romantic and would fit to serve Amanda. When he asked her why she said the spicy part just made it sound romantic and like it would suit Amanda.

Zara was in charge of dessert and Nick had allowed her do make peanut butter cups using the muffin sized cups. He helped her melt the ingredients in the microwave and then let her mix them together in the cups by herself even though he knew that meant plenty of the dough would go down her mouth. They had just put the peanut butter cups in the freezer when there was a knock on the door.

"And I haven't even changed, neither have you dad," Zara shrieked and Nick chuckled.  
"It's just Amanda Zara," he smiled.  
"But that's why, you should seduce her," Zara said and Nick started to wonder who this kid was.  
"I've already seduced her Zara," Nick said with a wink, "Now let her in."

Zara looked a little distraught as she realized she was leaving Amanda outside and she ran out of the kitchen. Nick chuckled and went after her once he'd wiped his hands on a towel. When he got there Zara had opened the door and Amanda had apparently bought a small bouquet of flowers for Zara.

"Look daddy," Zara beamed, "Amanda brought us flowers."  
"I see, they're lovely," Nick said joining them in the foyer.  
"Very lovely," Zara said taking a big whiff of the flowers, "Thank you so much Amanda, I'm gonna put them in water."

Zara took off to find a vase in the kitchen.

"Yes, thank you," Nick said leaning forward to greet her with a kiss, "And welcome."

He let her come inside.

"Thanks, I thought flowers would be better than a bottle of wine for a seven year old," she said.  
"Smart thinking," he said closing the door behind her and then helped her get her jacket off.

They heard some commotion from the kitchen and Nick made a face at Amanda.

"We better help her get to that vase," he said, grabbed on to her hand and pulled her with him. Once they reached the kitchen he felt her withdraw her hand. Nick rushed to his daughter's side since she'd managed to drag almost everything inside one of the lower cabinets out on the floor.

"Okay sweetie, hold up," Nick said and helped her out. Zara and Amanda took charge of setting the table, of course with the flowers Amanda had brought in the center of it, while Nick concentrated on getting the food ready. Nick smiled as he could hear Zara talking Amanda's ear off out there. She came in to fetch some glasses and Nick sneaked in behind her as she reached for some and tried to pretend to help her when he really just copped a feel.

"Hey," Amanda whispered putting a soft elbow in his gut, "your daughter's in the next room."  
"Don't you think I've heard that," Nick smiled. Amanda couldn't help but smile too as she put down three glasses on the counter and secretly enjoyed feeling his hands on her. She quickly pulled away from him though as they heard Zara enter.

"Don't you have matching napkins dad?" she complained.  
"I think Amanda don't mind if the napkins doesn't match sweetie," Nick tried and saw Amanda try to agree with him.

"Still it would look more romantic if everything matched," Zara said pouting her lips a little.  
"Think of it more as a family dinner though sweetie," Nick said. Amanda hurried passed him with the glasses.

"Ask Amanda what she wants to drink instead," he said and Zara hurried after her.

Somehow they managed to sit down not long thereafter. Amanda had passed on wine as she was driving but Nick had a glass of red just to make things even more perfect than they already were. He had his daughter and Amanda around a table eating dinner together. He felt blessed.

They'd eaten the appetizer and Nick's spicy chicken and Zara had taken her desserts out of the freezer a while ago so they would be perfect once they had coffee. Nick made coffee for him and Amanda and as usual let Zara drink Coke out of a cup so she could pretend to have coffee too. As they were enjoying Zara's peanut butter cups, and they were for sure enjoyable, Zara started talking about how excited she was about going to the beach tomorrow. Nick had seen it coming a mile away and wasn't surprised when Zara tried to work it in there that maybe Amanda could join them too. He had fun watching Amanda tried to wriggle her way out of it but Zara was persistent and once she was up in Amanda's lap he pretty much knew the deal was sealed. Amanda would join them at the beach tomorrow and he couldn't be happier.

A while later Zara said goodbye to Amanda by giving her a big hug and Amanda thanked her so very much for dinner. Everything had tasted so good but the dessert had been the grand finale and Zara beamed.

"Okay well I see you tomorrow then," Zara said starting to walk away, "I'll leave so you two can kiss or whatever."

Nick pretended to go after his cheeky daughter and she made the turn around the corner quickly, a loud giggle following her as she disappeared. He turned back with a big smile towards Amanda, she looked a little flustered though.

"Well thank you for dinner, it was really good," Amanda said quickly and for a second it looked as though she put her hand out to shake his but it ended up just touching his chest slightly. Nick couldn't help but smile at her awkwardness but then grabbed a hold of her arm as she turned to leave.

"The cook deserves more than a thanks I think," he said before catching her lips with his. He could feel the tension in her lips but also in her body as he wrapped his arms around her. Her lips relaxed a little after a few seconds though and he just let his tongue brush up slightly against her lips since he didn't want a make out session in the hallway either knowing his daughter might just be peeking out from behind the corner right about now. He let her go but went back for a brief peck before completely letting her go.

"I can't wait for tomorrow," he smiled.  
"About that…" she started and he saw the awkwardness creep up on her again as she squirmed a little.  
"I think I like only have… like I don't have a bathing suit, just like bikinis. Is that like appropriate? Like with her there. I can just keep my top on if that…"

He did his best to not smile too much or let the chuckle out that was building up inside of him. She was just too cute.

"A bikini is not a problem for either the daughter or the father," he said reaching out to touch her cheek, "I think she has a bikini too."  
"Yeah but she's a kid, I'm a…" she said gesturing a little towards her own figure.  
"Don't I know it," he smiled.  
"Nick," she complained though and he wised up.

"Look, Maria took Zara to Sardinia last month and they even went to a topless beach and yes it was all Zara could talk about, still talks about, but a bikini is perfectly respectable and not inappropriate at all. But I'm very grateful for the concern you show towards my daughter. It's very much appreciated," he said closing in on her lips again.

"Okay, whatever," she whispered a little flippant once he let her go again and this time he had to chuckle at her discomfort. _Too cute_, he thought to himself as he watched her walk out. She threw him a look over her shoulder before she headed out on the street and his gut flipped at the tiny smile that played over her lips. She was just so gorgeous and he couldn't wait until he could see her again. Picturing her in a bikini didn't make the wait any more endurable.

That night after Nick had tucked his daughter in and turned the last page in the book they'd read Zara wasn't ready to say good night just yet.

"Dad," she started and he recognized the type of 'dad' that would have a question following it.  
"Yes sweetheart," he said.  
"Do you love Amanda?" she asked looking straight at him with those big, brown, curious eyes of hers.

"Yes I do," he answered honestly.  
"And she loves you?"  
"I guess you have to ask her that but I think so yes," he said not wanting to make it too complicated for his daughter.

"I love her," Zara said.  
"Yeah? What do you love about her?" Nick had to ask. He'd heard her say she _liked_ Amanda before but never used the word _love_ before.

"She's very pretty," Zara started, "and nice. I like that she really listens to me when I talk, that she just doesn't nod and pretend she's listening like some grownups do. And she smells nice and she has a very pretty smile."  
"She certainly does," Nick agreed.

"Will you marry her?" Zara suddenly asked.  
"I don't know that yet Zara, we haven't been together that long you know."

"But you married mom after just a couple of months didn't you?"  
"Yes, but that was different sweetheart."

"Different how?" Zara of course asked and he wasn't sure how to get out of it. He didn't really want to tell her that he'd married her mother so quickly since they found out she was pregnant.

"We just really wanted to get married."  
"But don't you want to marry Amanda?"

Nick took a second to think about it and then answered whole heartedly;

"Yes. I do want to marry her."  
"But she doesn't want to marry you?"

"Sweetheart it's just not that easy…"  
"Why not?" Zara interrupted. Nick took a deep breath and ran his warm hand over his daughter's precious face.

"Right now we're just very happy being together okay. Just spending time together, laughing…"  
"Kissing," Zara chipped in.  
"Kissing," Nick echoed while tickling his daughter just slightly so he wouldn't wire her up too much before bedtime.

"And going to the beach together, like we're going to do tomorrow if you just get some sleep first," he said sitting up on Zara's bed so he could tuck her in one last time.  
"It's going to be so much fun," Zara mused turning over on her side.  
"It will," Nick said stroking his daughter's cheek, "Sweet dreams sweet thing."

He leaned down and placed a kiss on her hair. He turned the light on her bed stand off and made his way over to the door.

"I still say you should marry her though," he heard Zara whisper behind his back.  
"And then give me a baby brother _and_ a baby sister."  
"You'd like that wouldn't you," Nick smiled turning around in the door.  
"I would very much," Zara answered.

"I love you sweetie," he said.  
"I love you dad," she answered.

**Just as they'd decided** he gave her a call once he and Zara were ready to head out the door. The plan was to pick her up before they headed down to Long beach for a day in the sun and waves. Amanda said she was ready and just as promised she was waiting out on the curb once they came driving down the street. Again his gut flipped as he laid eyes on her. She was absolutely stunning. Her hair was out, sunglasses on the top of her head holding her hair back a bit in the slight breeze blowing down her street. She wore a light tank top, the strings in her bikini top showing over her shoulders and on the bottom a short summer skirt. He couldn't recall ever seeing her in a skirt like that. It made her legs look long and toned. She had a rather large beach bag over her shoulder.

Zara let out a loud shriek of joy as she spotted Amanda. She was already sitting in the back having made room for Amanda to sit next to her. Nick jumped out to help Amanda load her bag in the trunk. He gave her mouth a quick greeting not paying any attention to her slight reluctance to show any public signs of affection.

"Hi Amanda," Zara shouted through the back door.  
"Hi Zara," she answered.

"Will you sit with me in the back?" Zara asked with a pleading voice. Nick had told her she had to ask if Amanda wanted to sit there with her and not just take it for granted.  
"Sure," Amanda said leaving Nick to handle her bag.

As she turned her back towards him he took the chance to check her out and he even took a step out to be able to follow her bounce all the way to the side door. Getting inside she caught him looking and raised her eyebrows at him before she climbed in.

"Nice skirt," he said playing with his eyebrows. He chuckled as he caught the finger she gave him, out of sight for Zara of course.

He tried to chip in a little into the conversation as they drove the about 40 minutes it took to get to Long beach but Zara hijacked most of the conversation wanting to quiz Amanda about what she liked to do on the beach but also of course tell Amanda what she liked doing. He knew rather well what his daughter liked already, she loved the water but she usually grew tired off it after a while so he brought some beach games like rackets, a Frisbee, a bucket that would probably serve more to collect shells than to build sand castles with. His little girl was growing up. He'd brought a tablet also with movies she could watch in case she got bored of the beach all together.

Amanda told her she'd brought a beach ball but Zara was more impressed by the underwater camera Amanda also told her she'd brought. Zara couldn't wait to get there to try it out. Nick had brought plenty to drink and snack on and he needed Amanda's hands to get everything with them once they'd parked the car by the beach. He had to tell Zara to wait for them a couple of times as she was eager to run down to the water. She knew he wanted to be there though. The waves weren't that big but he still wanted to keep his eye on her.

They hurried to set everything up at a spot that weren't too crowded. Zara tossed her clothes around as she got undressed and Nick told her to at least put them in a pile. Amanda smiled a little at his attempts to try and keep things in order even at the beach but did put her own clothes in a neat pile just to humor him. She felt a little uncomfortable by her own bareness as she'd shed her tank and skirt and it didn't help that she caught Nick checking her out. She shot him a stern look as she rearranged her bikini top a little.

"I love your bikini Amanda," Zara said pulling her attention away from Nick.  
"Well thank you Zara, I love yours too," Amanda said getting her hair up in a bun.

"Thank you," Zara smiled, "we kinda match right."  
"Yeah a bit," Amanda answered even though she didn't see it.

"We _do_ match," Nick said stepping up next to Amanda. And they did, both his colors on his shorts were in the stripes of her bikini. She smiled and tried to pull away slightly from the hand he'd planted on her back.  
"You do," Zara laughed, she was more thinking about how they looked than their bathing suits though.

"Do you need sunscreen?" he asked touching Amanda's shoulder. She had such fair skin he figured she might need some and he wouldn't mind helping her put some on either.  
"Later maybe, I put some on earlier," she let him know.

"Are we ready then?" Zara said excitement radiating from her as she had a hard time standing still on the warm sand.  
"Are we?" Nick asked looking at Amanda. She gave him a nod not really knowing how they usually did this.  
"Well why are you standing around for then," he said taking off sprinting towards the inviting blue water.

"Not fair," Zara shrieked running after him. Amanda chuckled and took off too, making sure she stayed behind Zara though. Nick just ran straight in, diving down under the surface when he got out far enough. Zara ran until the water reached her butt and when she stopped Amanda caught up to her. The sun was already warming her but Amanda felt even warmer as she felt the little girl's hand grab a hold of her own.

"Dad's just not fair," Zara said sounding a little disappointed at him for leaving her behind.  
"I know, typical for boys," Amanda said and Zara's face had a smile all over it when she looked up at Amanda.  
"Let's get him," Amanda said and Zara giggled as she hurried up her steps again.

Nick had taken a few steps back towards the shore and watched his two girls coming out towards him hand in hand and it made him feel all giddy inside.

"You're gonna get if for leaving us behind," Zara shouted but her entire face was beaming and even more so as Nick grabbed a hold of her and pulled her out even further in the water. Amanda took the chance to dive down under the surface, feeling the cool water all over her skin and she came up a few yards from them.

"There she is," Zara smiled pointing towards her. Amanda stroke the water out of her face and watched them make their way over to her. The water reached Amanda to the shoulders so they were out further than Zara could reach.

"Can you look under water?" Zara asked her as they got closer. Amanda nodded.  
"I can't," Zara said pouting a little.  
"Yet," Nick added though and then handed her over to Amanda as they were close enough. Amanda looked a little like a scared cat as she grabbed a hold of the girl but Zara just put her hands on her shoulders and wrapped her legs around Amanda's midsection. Amanda felt the girl's fingers play a little with her hair.

"When did you learn?" Zara asked her.  
"I can't remember actually," Amanda said honestly not remembering.  
"But you were younger than me right? Everyone in my class can do it," Zara said sounding a little miserable.

"Or maybe they just say they can?" Amanda suggested and Zara's eyes got a little wider.  
"Maybe they just aren't as brave as you and can own up to not being able to do it yet. Everything takes time to learn you know. My little sister didn't learn to swim until she was 9."

"She didn't?" Zara asked and Amanda shook her head.  
"How old where you when you learnt?" Zara asked.  
"Not much younger, maybe your age, before I learnt properly I just did the dog crawl," Amanda let her know.  
"You mean like this?" Zara smiled and started splashing water all over the place.  
"Yeah just like that," Amanda smiled.

"Hey," Nick said trying to stop the splashing, "why don't you show Amanda how good you are at swimming."  
"Okay," Zara said letting Amanda go and she started circling around them.  
"Wow, you're really good," Amanda said.

The surface was a little uneven though and soon Zara was back in her dad's arms after a few mouthfuls of water. Zara asked Amanda if she could stand on her hands under water and when she said yes she of course had to show her. Then Zara had her swimming in underneath her dad's legs and Zara kept ordering her around until Nick finally told her that Amanda wasn't her circus pet.

"I don't mind," Amanda said though.  
"See she doesn't mind daddy," Zara said.

"Well how about you let me throw you instead," Nick said raising his shrieking daughter out of the water a little. The shriek that was equally filled with excitement and fear made him hold on to her though and bring her back down in to his arms. He knew he didn't have the bravest kid but she was still the only one he wanted.

"How about you throw Amanda instead," she suggested as she really liked the idea of throwing someone.  
"How am I going to do that when I'm holding on to you goofball," Nick joked.  
"I can get on your back," Zara said starting to climb around him and then grabbed a hold around his throat.

"Not too tight," he joked acting like he was being choked and Zara chuckled.  
"You're silly dad, now pick her up," Zara urged. Nick raised his eyebrows towards Amanda not really sure if she was up for it or not. She seemed game though and came in a little closer.

"You wanna just… if you put your hands…" Amanda showed him and he caught on quickly.  
"And I'll get my foot…" she said placing it in the middle of his weaved fingers and she put her hands on his shoulders.  
"Now let's just pray my knee doesn't hit your jaw," she smiled. She was so close he could kiss her if he wanted but he settled with just knowing he could.

"On three?" he asked and she nodded. Zara helped him count and Amanda bopped up and down in the water a little only to get ready to take off once they hit three. With his strength and her limberness she left the surface and even managed to make somewhat of a somersault in the air before she hit the water again.

"Wow," Zara shrieked right by his ear and she applauded best she could once Amanda's head popped back up.  
"That was impressive," Nick had to give her and Amanda smiled brightly.  
"She _can_ be at the circus dad," Zara giggled. Nick couldn't do much else than agree.

"Again," Zara shouted and then Amanda went up in the air several more times. She landed a little badly a few times, Nick imagined her skin felt the rough landing but she came up just as smiley.

"Let me throw you," Amanda said after a while and Zara cheered with joy. Zara let go of him and swam over to get on Amanda's back instead.  
"Are you sure?" Nick asked once more when he'd placed his foot in her hands.  
"Just don't kick me," she warned.  
"I can't make any promises," he teased.  
"No dad, you can't kick her," Zara said though not picking up on the irony.  
"I won't sweetheart," he said looking straight at his daughter, his eyes then wandered to Amanda, "I promise I won't sweetheart."

Zara started giggling right by her ear.

"He called you sweetheart," she whispered through her girlish giggle. Nick smiled at his daughter but also at the shy smile Amanda had on her face.

"On three," he said and all three of them counted up. The changes they'd made weren't for the better but he at least got most of his body above the surface and then just landed on his side making a bigger splash than Amanda had ever made.

"You stink dad," Zara laughed once he came back up.  
"I stink?" he said acting a bit offended, "We were three on this so if I stink you stink too."

"Do not," Zara countered only to have Nick try to tickle her.  
"Save me Amanda," Zara shouted latching on harder around her.  
"Oh she can't save you," Nick teased, "she's just as ticklish."

Amanda lost a little bit of footing as she felt Nick's hands on either side of her midsection but he was right there to hold both her and Zara above the surface. Once she had her feet back on the bottom she were able to fight back a little bit but it was hard when you had a tiny being latching on to your back. Amanda wouldn't have changed anything for the world though, she just was a little afraid to get Zara's head under water. Nick could tell Amanda wasn't fighting with all she got but she didn't really have to, he did more touching than tickling.

"Okay I surrender," Nick said leaning back in the water.  
"Claim him," Zara shouted raising her fist in the air and Amanda's eyes got a few sizes larger. Nick chuckled at both his daughter outburst and his girlfriend's response to it.  
"Claim him?" she questioned quietly as she got closer to him and Nick chuckled even more.

"Get on him," Zara shouted and now Amanda had to chuckle too. For once though she didn't mind getting close to him and Nick enjoyed feeling her body pressed up against him. He grabbed a hold of both of them and felt Amanda's legs wrap slightly around him.

"You thought I surrender? It was all just to trap you," Nick said taking them for a spin. Zara chuckled and shrieked back and forth as Nick splashed them around. Amanda just smiled through it all, having a really good time.

After a while they all settled down and Zara let go of Amanda's back so she could get to her front and hug both her and her dad at the same time.

"This is so much fun," Zara beamed.

As Nick had figured though she lost interest of the water after a while. They went back up to dry up some and Nick helped Amanda put sunscreen on her back and shoulders. He of course got a little suggestive but not too much as he could tell it made Amanda uncomfortable since Zara was nearby. They had a snack and something to drink but then Zara wanted to look for seashells and Nick went with her leaving Amanda to soak up some rays meanwhile.

They came back after a while and Zara showed Amanda their treasures. Amanda didn't have to act impressed, they'd found some really nice shells and stones. Zara asked if they could take pictures of some shells underneath the water. Amanda hurried to get her camera out. Nick sat back down on the blankets though and told them to head out on their own, he would guard their stuff. It was just an excuse to give the two some time alone. He could tell Amanda looked a little worried but he really didn't get it, she was a natural with kids but maybe she didn't see that herself. He watched them go out in the water staying near land in just a few inches of water at first. He of course couldn't help checking out Amanda's figure a little extra. He saw to young guys walk by and he saw them looking too. That would usually make him jealous but today nothing could ruin his good mood and he just felt proud to have such a hot girlfriend.

He saw them go out a little further and it didn't take long until Zara was around Amanda's neck like a little koala bear. He really had to get her more independent in and around water, maybe if he could spend more time with her and bring her more often to the beach or pool. Amanda was surely a good influence on her. He even saw both of them go down underneath the surface together a few times, something Zara was reluctant to do even with her dad.

He kept watching them. They'd moved further in again so Zara could stand on her own and it looked as though she sent Amanda down to take photos for her to look at. He really hoped Zara wasn't pushing her too hard. He thought about going out to join them when he spotted another little girl with a floating device starting to circle them. Soon Amanda had two little girls hanging around her. Nick soon connected the other little girl with a family further down the beach. A dad, mom, maybe a grandmother or aunt and at least two other children. He could tell the dad kept an eye on his girl in the water and Nick liked that.

Once the other girl had left them Zara and Amanda came walking up hand in hand.

"Look what we found dad," Zara smiled showing him some more nice seashells that would join the other in the bucket.  
"Dad, can I go play with Mika and her brothers, they're building a sand castle over there," Zara said pointing further down the beach.

"Is that the girl you talked to out in the water?" Nick asked as he dried her up a little with a towel. Zara nodded.  
"Will you make sure to stay out of the water if I let you go over there," Nick asked her and she nodded again.

"Okay but we're going to eat something in a little bit okay, and I want you to put your t-shirt on if you're going to play in the sun."  
"But dad it's so hot," Zara complained.  
"Well get it wet then," Nick said holding out the shirt towards her.

"But you said I couldn't go in the water," Zara tried. Nick gave her a stern look which his daughter tried to challenge for a few seconds. Zara knew better than to disobey her dad though and she took the shirt and pulled it on her as she made her way over to her newfound friend. Amanda sat down next to him on the blanket, she'd put her tank top back on.

"You didn't have to do that," he said giving her a look.  
"I don't mind," she said casually, her eyes following Zara walking away on the beach.  
"Well I mind," he answered and gave her a big grin when her eyes came back to meet his. She rolled her eyes at him.

"C'mon how am I going to put sunscreen on you," he teased.  
"I can do without for a while," she sighed.  
"Oh no, that ivory skin and we'll be here all day, I don't think so," he said grabbing the sunscreen and getting up on his knees behind her.

"You'll do anything for a chance to grope me right," she said a little quieter.  
"You know me too well," he smiled as he pulled up her top in the back.

He took his time making sure he got her entire back, getting his hand in underneath the thin string in her bikini and around her sides. He could feel her relaxing and it turned in to more of a massage as they both kept their eyes on the girls at the waterline. He made sure he got plenty of sunscreen on her shoulders and up her neck. She moaned a little as he massaged her neck and her head fell forward with closed eyes.

"Hey, watch it so I don't have to bring you up to one of those cabanas and do nasty things to you," he whispered near her ear. His hand found its way around her torso and he easily got inside her bikini top and cupped her breast.  
"Nick," she whispered not knowing what made her more flustered, his touch or his words.  
"No one's watching," he whispered playing around over her nipple. Right then though a mom and young son passed them hand in hand and Amanda straighten up as Nick leaned backwards letting her go.

"And you're supposed to be a detective," she mocked once they'd passed.

He smiled and placed his legs on either side of her before pulling her back into an embrace from behind.

"Nick," she said trying to sit back up.  
"What? One can hug one's girlfriend on the beach you know, it's perfectly legal," he said not letting her go.  
"Your daughter…" she tried.  
"…wants to see us doing this, counting in her obsession with bare boobs I might be raising a perv but she's perfectly fine with this," Nick said.

Amanda let him hold on to her for a few seconds but she didn't fully relax into him.

"What if someone from the force is here?" she asked worryingly.  
"Would that be so bad?" he had to ask since he actually wouldn't mind getting spotted. It was one way to out what they had.  
"Benson would fire my ass and I'll be back in Atlanta, is that what you want," she said sounding a little distraught, "it's not what I want."  
"She wouldn't do that," he said trying to reassure her, "I wouldn't let her. If anyone of us were forced to leave it would be me."

"You'd do that?" she asked turning her head slightly so she could see him out of the corner of her eye. That move made her lean in to him further and he moved his arm a little tighter around her now that he had a chance.  
"In an instance," he said seriously as he held her eyes, "If it comes down to you or the job there's no question what I'd choose."

He had to look away as he wanted to keep an eye on his daughter as well and she did the same leaning her head back against his shoulder. He felt her take a deep breath and then she finally relaxed in to him. He dared to smile slightly at the tiny win. He smiled even wider as he felt her hands that had been resting down on the blanket came up on his thighs and her fingers started playing around on his skin and with the sparse, thick hairs that covered his legs.

"I don't want you to leave though," she suddenly said.  
"Cause you'd miss fighting with me or cause you'd miss secretly checking out my ass?" he smiled kissing her hair.  
"Cause you're a great detective and I feel safe with you there," she said though and he got a little taken aback by her honesty.  
"Thank you," he said just as candidly and buried his nose in her hair for a few seconds.

They stayed like that for a long time and he could've stayed there for the rest of the day. With her in his arms and watching his daughter happily playing around in the sand nearby everything felt just perfect.

Zara seemed to lose her playmate after a while though and came running back.

"Where did your friend go?" Nick asked her as she plumped down on the blanket next to them. Amanda had separated herself from him as they saw Zara coming back and he'd let her.  
"They were gonna go eat but she'll be back in a while. Dad can we eat something too?"  
"Sure can, sandwich?" he asked.  
"Yes please," Zara said moving to sit closer to Amanda.

Nick took charge over the picnic basket and made sure everyone had what they wanted to eat and drink. He knew Amanda was a little wary about getting caught on camera, especially on his cellphone, but he managed to get his two girls to pose for a photo while they ate. Zara shared some new knock-knock jokes that she learnt and they were actually funny so both Nick and Amanda got to laugh wholeheartedly.

Zara's low ponytail was a little ruffled and Amanda asked if she wanted her to braid it. Zara, who Nick knew loved getting her hair done, jumped straight up and landed in front of Amanda. Zara's hair was a little tangled but Amanda, who'd done plenty of braids on her little sister over the years, knew the tricks to the trade and managed to form a perfect braid down the middle of Zara's back.

Zara's new friend Mika came running over and was sitting close to Amanda now watching her attach the rubber band around the end of Zara's braid. Mika had only shoulder long hair but Amanda still managed to make two braids on either side of her head and Zara didn't mind giving away two of her rubber bands. When Mika's hair was done too they ran back down to the grand sand castle that Mika's brothers were working on.

Nick didn't say anything since he didn't want to embarrass Amanda but he thought she was just brilliant with the girls. She could do hair, she was an awesome role model and she had some very good advice to give.

"What?" she asked catching him observing her.  
"You're pretty awesome," he smiled.  
"Tell me something I don't know," she said but he could tell his compliment made her cheeks a little flustered.

"Wanna get in the water?" he asked.  
"Sure," she said pulling her tank top off as she got on her feet. They passed Zara on their way down to let her know they would be in the water for a bit.

"Got you dad," Zara answered. Amanda took a longer look on the sand castle and gave the kids praise for their work.

They walked out in to the water and this time Amanda dove in ahead of him. He followed closely behind though so he could come up right by her side and grab a hold of her. He threw Zara a look up on the beach before he caught Amanda's mouth with his. She climbed up on him a little bit as her arms wrapped around his neck and for a while she didn't seem at all worried about the fact they were out in public. His hands were down on her ass and since the water gave them a little cover he dared to let his hands go inside her bikini bottoms. She moaned a little into his mouth but then suddenly left his lips lonely. Instead she placed her head next to his and just squeezed him tight. Even her legs squeezed him and while smiling he held her just as tight with his arms around her. He saw Zara do some kind of twirl up on the beach and it inspired him to do the same and he twirled Amanda around in the water. He wasn't sure anything could make this day any more perfect but he didn't hold it impossible, everything was just going so well right now.

They spent a little more time in the water before they walked back up to Zara. Nick had grabbed a hold of Amanda's hand and she didn't pull away even as they reached the beach front. The man that Nick earlier had figured was Mika's dad came walking down to the sand castle as well and he got it confirmed as he introduced himself.

"Nick, Zara's dad," he said shaking the man's hand.  
"And this is Amanda, my girlfriend," he said proudly looking back at Amanda who were standing right behind him.

Amanda shot the man a smile and waved a little in the air. Nick couldn't help but wink at her before he turned back. Nick and the other dad talked a little about the nice weather and how good the beach and boardwalk were coming along after the storm that more or less tore it up two years ago.

They paid a visit to that boardwalk a little later after they'd all had another swim. Mika had left with her family, the dads exchanging e-mails so the girls could stay in touch, and Zara was in a good mood having made a new friend. They had an ice-cream sitting down on the dock and Nick forced them to pose for another photo. Zara, as usual, managed to get a taste of everyone's cones and she ruled Amanda's chocolate mix the tastiest of them all. Nick was rather sure the fact Zara wanted to bond with Amanda had a little to do with her choice as well.

He couldn't have asked for a better day and they didn't drive back home until the sun set. They had stopped at a diner for a light dinner since they'd been snacking the entire day. They all had sand in their trunks when sitting down but no one complained, it was just a reminder of the great day they had. Nick and Zara dropped Amanda off outside her place and she let him give her a quick kiss behind the back of the car as they unpacked her bag. Nick stayed on the street to see her walk inside and Amanda waved a final goodbye to Zara as she entered the front door.

"Maybe we can ask mom if I can come next weekend as well so we can do this all over again?" Zara suggested once he got back in the car.  
"I would love that, we can ask but don't get your hopes up okay sweetie?" Nick said wanting to spare his daughter's feelings. He only had her every third weekend and he knew Maria wasn't all that keen to disrupt that schedule. He wasn't really sure where her head was at after the spectacle she'd made at the station, and in his life. They'd kept to communication through texts after that.

He called Amanda once Zara was tucked in. Zara had fallen asleep the second her head hit the pillow and Nick thanked Amanda for making bedtime procedures so much simpler. He could tell Amanda sounded drowsy too and he didn't keep her up that long even though he wanted to. His mom was taking Zara back to DC in the morning but he made sure they got out okay and then rode in to the station. It was quite obvious on Amanda's face that she'd caught some sun yesterday and Nick smiled secretly as Liv pointed it out during lunch.

**Since Amanda** had missed her meeting that Sunday he knew she would catch one Monday night at a different location and he missed her but didn't worry when she didn't check in that night. He stepped in to the station Tuesday morning though hoping to catch her there as early as him but she wasn't at her desk. Liv was in her office and Nick popped his head in to say good morning. He asked her if they'd caught a case and she said yes but then got interrupted by the phone so Nick stepped back outside for a bit.

Amanda was usually in early but he tried not to worry when she still hadn't showed up when Fin walked in.

"Have you talked to your partner this morning?" Nick asked him but Fin shook his head. Nick knew he was being silly, she was just running late like half an hour. Just as Fin sat down at his desk Liv walked out of her office heading straight towards him.

"Morning Fin, so your partner had to leave town in a bit of a rush this morning but don't worry she'll be back in a couple of days," Liv said, "so I'd like you and Nick to…" Nick interrupted her though, getting up out of his chair.

"Why? What happen?" he said taking a few quick steps over towards them. Liv turned around looking a bit surprised about his sudden concern.

"I mean if she had to rush something must've happen right?" he quickly added trying to cover himself a little.  
_Smooth_, Fin thought to himself but he was concern too and turned his attention back to Liv.

"Well I guess it's no secret, we've been involved when it comes to her sister before," Liv started, "The police picked up Kim in Atlanta, Amanda flew down to deal with it."


	12. Chapter 12

As usual you can't trust me, there will be at least one more filler chapter before the finale. Too much stuff came out of this Kim business.

Thank you so much for the reviews and feedback. I heard you and I'll do a little more thinking about the whole backdoor business, maybe try and write it and see if it doesn't get too... well you know, but the belt... don't you worry, it's coming ;)

Happy reading!

* * *

**Chapter 12**

* * *

As usual Liv beat him to the station but Amanda hadn't beaten him. It was a little internal competition of theirs whenever they hadn't spent the night together. He knew she liked to compete about almost everything so it was just fun to tease her a little about getting there before her, and yeah maybe he liked beating her at something. Cause Amanda could beat him at pretty much anything if she just put her mind to it. It was just one of many things he loved about her.

When she still hadn't walked in once Fin got there though he started to worry a little but he tried to tell himself he was being silly. Something just felt wrong though. They hadn't talked last night either which was rare these days but he knew she'd caught a GA meeting. Just as Fin sat down at his desk Liv walked out of her office and headed straight at him.

"So your partner had to leave town in a bit of a rush this morning but don't worry she'll be back in a couple of days," Liv said. She was about to say something else but Nick interrupted her.

"Why? What happen?" he said taking a few quick steps over towards them. Liv turned around looking a bit surprised about his sudden concern.  
"I mean if she had to _rush_ something must've happen right?" he quickly added trying to cover himself a little.

_Smooth_, Fin thought to himself but he was concern too and turned his attention back to Liv.

"Well I guess it's not a secret, we've been involved when it comes to her sister before," Liv started, "The police picked up Kim in Atlanta."  
"What did they pick her up for?" Nick asked.  
"Something involving drugs but I think Tucker had a warrant out for her arrest for the stunts she pulled up here last year," Liv said trying to hide the sigh.

"Will Mother Tucker be down there?" Fin asked and got a stern look from Liv.  
"What? If that pit-bull goes down there she shouldn't have to face him alone," Fin said not apologizing for name-calling lieutenant Tucker.

"Yeah he's right," Nick chipped in hoping he'd get a reason to go down there.  
"Hold your testosterone guys, far as I know Tucker isn't on his way down there but he might extricate Kim so we'll prepare for that on home field okay?" Liv's eyes went from Fin to Nick and back again. They didn't look convinced.

"C'mon guys, its Rollins. She got this, she's dealt with her sister her entire life."  
"What happen last time wasn't peanuts though Liv," Fin said.

He was rather sure Kim's last betrayal set Amanda's latest downward spiral in motion. He knew how hard that had hit her. He knew cause she'd been forced to stay on his couch after Kim had cleaned her out and he'd heard the tears she'd tried to hide behind the closed door.

"I know Fin," Liv said giving him a serious look, "Can you trust me to handle it though, I promise I'm not just leaving her stranded down there."

Fin gave her a nod and Liv started to walk back in to her office but stopped suddenly and spun around.

"Oh, yeah, we got a case. Victim's at Cedar's, can you talk to her? I have a meeting with Barba so I'm stuck here," Liv said and Fin nodded as he got up out of his chair.

"She didn't call you?" Nick asked as they started walking out. Fin shook his head.  
"I take it not you either?"

Nick shook his head with a disappointed look on his face. He wished Amanda would've called him before she took off.

"I'm gonna try and reach her," Nick said getting his phone up as the rode down. It went directly to her voicemail and he waited for the beep.  
"Hey it's me, Liv just briefed us about your sister. I guess you might be on your way down. Check in when you get a chance okay? Let me know you're okay, if we can help in any way… Okay, bye."

He might have added a 'I love you' if Fin wasn't eavesdropping.

"She's probably on the flight," Fin said when Nick hung up.  
"Probably," Nick mumbled as they jumped into Fin's car.

Nick did his best to focus on the victim but Fin did have to carry most of the interview. The victim, a woman in her thirties, had taken an early run in Central Park and been attacked by an unknown man. He'd roughed her up rather badly and it looked as an attempted rape. The woman was rattled but under the circumstances managed to give a rather good description of the man and she said yes to a sketch artist coming to the hospital to compose a sketch together. The woman told them that the man reeked of alcohol. He didn't have a weapon more than his fists and the fact he was intoxicated made it possible for her to get away before he could rape her.

The woman broke apart a little as the interview came to a close. Fin tried to console her best he could, looking towards Nick for some backup. Nick tried to help out by convincing the woman she'd been through something awful but the fact was that she'd saved herself in the end and that was something very heroic.

Walking out of the hospital though Nick couldn't help but think of what he'd just tried to convince that woman of. He hadn't lied when he called her heroic but his mind wandered to Amanda. _Was she out there again trying to save herself? Would she ever be able to turn to him for help? And if not, would he be able to keep standing by seeing her destruct herself? _

"She'll be okay," Fin said, briefly putting his hand on Nick's shoulder before they reached the car. Nick knew he wasn't talking about the victim and he gave Fin an appreciating nod hoping he was right.

He tried reaching her several times that day but she wasn't picking up. They were closing up shop for the day and Nick, being desperate for any news on Amanda, approached Fin hoping for help.

"Fin, hey," Nick said asking for his attention. Fin looked up from his screen.  
"Could you… Maybe just…" he wasn't sure what to say and felt stupid for feeling so desperate. His eyes had gone up towards Liv in her office several times though and Fin got it without him having to ask.  
"Sure," he said immediately getting out of his chair. Nick stayed a couple of steps behind him as he entered Liv's office.

"Hey Liv, have you heard from or anything about my partner?" Fin asked as Liv looked up from her paperwork. She took a deep breath and put her paperwork down.  
"Yeah, well I haven't been able to reach her but I've talked to her old captain in Atlanta," Liv said leaning back in her chair a little. Nick took a step closer not wanting to miss anything.

"Looks as Tucker's charges might not be her worst problem after all. The drug regulation looks a little different down there but she was picked up on a class one drug charge."  
"That's some serious time," Fin said with a whistle. Liv nodded.

"She's been taken to a closed ward at the hospital though suffering some serious withdrawal symptoms and they were going to do a psych eval. Amanda's been with her most of the day from what I understood," Liv told them.

"Is her mom there too?" Nick said dying to know exactly what was going on and if she had any backup. Liv gave him a look, squinting her eyes briefly but then her face eased up.  
"Sam, her captain, didn't mention her mom but I'd suppose she would be but I don't know," Liv said calmly.

"And Tucker?" Fin asked. Liv gave him a nod confirming his worst case scenario.  
"Sam talked to him, he didn't mention going down there himself though but he wanted access to the case and he mentioned adding charges. He's going after her."  
"Of course he is, he knows it will hurt Amanda," Fin growled.  
"But can we really object to Kim being behind bars?" Liv had to put it out there, "At least then Amanda will know where she is."

Neither Fin nor Nick had anything to add to that, she had a point but question was if Amanda would see it that way or not. Liv sent them home, making sure they knew they'd put in a good day's effort. Nick barely heard her though, his thoughts were with Amanda. He tried calling her twice more that night but had to face that she probably didn't _want_ to talk to him, probably not to anyone but he hoped her old captain and colleagues kept an eye on her for him. He sent a text later on that read; "_Know u probably have a lot on ur plate but pls check in if u get a chance. I'm worried about u. Want to help anyway I can. Nick_."

Again he'd wanted to add a 'I love you' but he feared someone else would see the text and/or that Amanda wouldn't approve of it. The last thing he wanted right now was to add to her list of worries. The text as it was could probably get Liv curious but he was rather certain she would never see it. He wished he could talk to someone about his own worries about Amanda right now, he felt very alone with his feelings and he felt a little bit selfish for wasting concern on that. Amanda might also be all alone right now.

He lay down on his bed with a sigh. He wanted to be with her in Atlanta right now. What was the point of the two of them dealing with stuff away from each other? Being in a relationship meant sharing the good _and_ the bad. And Amanda could try and deny it all she wanted but they were in a relationship now. He just needed her to understand that she could, and should, trust him all out. You didn't leave town without telling your boyfriend. You just didn't.

He picked up his phone again, finding her name in his address book. He kept staring at her name, wanting desperately to call her. But he knew better than to push her right now and he let the phone drop to the bed again. He would just try and get some sleep even though he knew he wouldn't be able to stop worrying and hope she would pick up tomorrow when he called. Cause he would call tomorrow.

**She wouldn't** pick up then either though. Checking in with Liv he learnt that Kim was still detoxing at the hospital but should probably get transferred to the prison later today or tomorrow at latest. Charges had been filed, Tucker adding his and Kim would probably serve several years behind bars. When he asked Liv how Amanda was holding up she told him she didn't know. Amanda apparently wasn't picking up Liv's calls either. She explained it by Amanda perhaps not being able to have her phone on while at the ward. She had talked to her old captain again though, he was keeping his eye on Amanda as well as the case against Kim. Nick felt a little relieved, at least it was some news but he couldn't help but wonder just how the good 'ol captain was keeping his eye on his former detective. He knew he had a good eye to her before she transferred. His jealousy started to get the better of him and he knew he had to trust her but it did annoy him that she didn't pick up his calls, called back or just sent a short text to let him know she was at least staying above surface.

**The following day** they wrapped up the case they'd been working since Amanda left. They found the suspect caught on camera leaving the park, the victim identified him and after some serious detective work they found his name. Liv and Nick took the interrogation cracking him rather easily. He'd been out drinking with buddies, got shot down by every lady he hit on and just decided to get some another way. They didn't find it unlikely he'd done, or at least tried something like this in the past too but they gave up after a while. They had him for this attempted rape and they would try to get him to plea-bargain once the public defender got there. Maybe he'd own up to more crimes then.

Being busy with the case had helped Nick keep his mind on something else than Amanda. Three days. Nothing. He was a little worried but by now mostly angry. He'd only called once today, same thing, no answer and he was fed up with listening to her voicemail. Liv had no news for him either. He'd spent the night just trying to go through the motions. He'd spent an hour at the station's gym, knocking around the punching bag. Took a shower and then headed home. He made dinner from scratch just to keep busy but then leaving most of it in a lunchbox for tomorrow as he wasn't hungry. He'd called his daughter to say good night and when she asked how Amanda was doing he lied and said she was just fine. The last hour he'd spent trying to focus on the baseball game on TV but his mind kept drifting.

The game ended and the final score didn't even interest him. He was about to shut the TV off and head to bed when there was a knock at the door. He scrambled to his feet quickly, hurrying over to the door. He didn't even check the peephole, just got the door open as soon as possible. He'd wanted to see her there and was less surprised than he probably should've been when she actually stood outside his door.

"Hey," he said smiling, all anger and worry thrown out the door in an instance.  
"Hi," she said giving him the best smile she could after the tiresome flight back from Atlanta.

He let her pass and she dropped her trunk right inside the door. He felt privileged that he was her first stop coming from the airport and he hoped he would be able to keep her for the night. She slipped out of her jacket and he helped her hang it.

"So how was…" he started but lost his trail and started over, "How's your sister doing?"

Her eyes had been focused on his lips and since the last thing she wanted to do right now was talk she closed in and caught them with her own. He got caught a little by surprise but of course welcomed her lips once they crashed down on his and he wrapped his arms around her as he was dying to hold on to her. She didn't stop at a kiss hello though and he felt her eager hands push his tee up as she pushed him back against the wall.

"Hey," he mumbled into her mouth at the same time as he tried to get a hold of her hands. He wanted to see her face, felt a need to check where her mind was at. She was resilient though and he was forced to use her method, using his mouth and body to push himself off the wall and her backwards. He managed to grab a hold of her arms and he pushed them back against the wall once he managed to get her there. She moaned loudly as her back hit the wall and she bit down on his lips. It hurt him a little, it had felt a little harsher than usual but he figured it was maybe just because he wasn't in the right mood.

"Why don't we…" he tried once he let her mouth go but she was right back there trying to initiate the kiss again.  
"C'mon Amanda," he whispered turning his face away from her. Her mouth got on his neck though, her tongue sending shivers through his skin and her hand paid a visit to his crotch. In a weak moment he felt himself get pushed back up against the wall again. His entire body clearly wanted her and his mind shillyshallied but the voice in the back of his head was clear. This wasn't right.

"Amanda," he said a bit harsher pushing himself away from the wall again. He'd grabbed a hold of both her wrists and held her back making it possible for him to get a good look at her face. She looked pissed and a bit frustrated.

"Just talk to me," he said regretting that he sounded so harsh but he couldn't hide his own frustration.  
"I don't want to talk," she spat back, sparks flying out of her icy blue eyes.

He couldn't deny the sexual tension flowing through his body and when she tried to continue her advances he had to really fight his urges to not go along with her. Her mouth reached his jaw though as he again turned his head away and her breathe over his skin was lighting sparks in his groin.

"Amanda," he breathed still holding on to her wrists, trying to keep her away from him.  
"Just fuck me," she whispered right by his ear.

Once the ripple effect caused by her words had ravaged through his body his mind got oddly clear.

"No," he said letting go of her wrists, separating himself from her with a few steps.  
"Why is it always like this?" he asked, disappointment in his voice.

Her face still portrayed frustration but glimpses of uncertainty found its way in there now. He sighed and dragged his hand through his hair needing to calm down a bit. A lot of things were going on inside of him. He felt angry over the situation they were in, over the fact it always had to come down to sex with her. At the same time his entire body just wanted to give in to her, to not confront her and risk losing the physically.

"Why can't you just talk to me when something's bothering you?" he asked trying to get his voice back to normal.  
"Nothing's bothering me," Amanda said, anger evident on her voice.  
"Your sister was arrested, you had to confront her for the first time in what… a year? If that doesn't bother you than that's a problem that needs to be addressed," he said getting worked up again.

"Well have fun with that, I'm out of here," Amanda said and turned to leave, apparently not caring about either her jacket or trunk. Nick rushed over though and he got his hand on the door. She'd only managed to open the door a mere inch but that was apparently wide enough to make a rather loud noise when he shoved the door shut. When he met her eyes they had sparks flying again. He put his back against the door to prevent her from going anywhere.

"All I'm asking for is a brief update, you've been gone three days, three days that I've missed you greatly and worried about you since you never once checked in…"  
"Well I've been kinda busy," she mumbled folding her eyes down. Eyes that had lost all angry sparks in an instance when he said he'd missed her.  
"And I get that," he hurried to say, "so all I want is a quick briefing about what's been going on and how you're holding up in the midst of this."

He wanted desperately to touch her but she looked guarded now and he was also a little afraid he might start her up again and he wasn't sure he could reject her advances one more time. When she met his eyes again she didn't look cooperative so he tried another way to reach her.

"Okay, how about this… not to be mean or anything but you look like you haven't slept or eaten since I last saw you," he said and he was being honest, she looked exhausted, "I have leftovers from dinner, how about I heat some up for you and then maybe, just maybe, if you feel like it you can give me a quick update…"

"I have leftovers at home," Amanda said, again with that grumpy mumble. Nick sighed. Whatever leftovers she had in her fridge after three days should probably only be served to a trashcan and he doubted she even had leftovers knowing how empty her fridge usually was. But he knew better than to pick a fight with her right now.  
"My leftovers are homemade, by me, and they come with my company and you can try and deny it but I know you have a preference for both."

He had to smile at her futile attempt to keep a grumpy face. She insisted on trying though and she kept her eyes down until she'd gotten her disobedient face in order. Only then did she look up but the fierce was long gone from her eyes.

"C'mon," he urged getting off the door but staying between it and her since he wasn't completely sure she wasn't going to make a break for it again. He had to repeat himself but then she, still reluctantly though, turned around slightly to move further inside the apartment. He urged her on by gesturing a little and he didn't care if he was being overly protective or silly by wanting her to stay in front of him. He would just not give her a chance to split.

"Kitchen," he said to guide her along. She folded her arms a bit disobedient in front of her but stepped ahead in to the kitchen and then leaned up against a counter as he went over to the fridge to get the lunchbox he'd prepared for tomorrow.

"It's _pork adobo_, marinated meat, with rice," he let her know as the plastic container circled around in the microwave. She tried to act indifferent but he saw her swallow and figured she might be a bit hungry after all. When a minute had passed he put a fork in and turned the food over only to put it back in for another thirty seconds. He handed her the box and the fork once it was done. Still keeping up with her noncompliant front he had to push the meal at her a little but then she finally grabbed it from him. He couldn't help himself and he planted a kiss on her forehead going in from underneath her bangs. He let her go and went to the fridge to get a soda for her. He opened the can and when he turned back around she'd already shoved food in her mouth and the fork was on its way towards her mouth again with another load. His inside stung a little as he could tell just how hungry she was. Maybe he hadn't been so far off when he suggested she hadn't eaten since he last saw her.

"C'mon," he said holding on to her soda and putting a light hand on the back of her arm to get her to come with him as he wanted her to sit down and eat. She followed willingly this time shoving another serving into her mouth. His hand went over her back but when he passed the spine she suddenly flinch a little and, even with her mouth stuffed, he heard the faint gasp. The eyes he met were nervous and then the out of the blue smile she shot him to reassure him she was fine had the opposite effect. He let it slide for now though but had no intention to not bring it back up before the night was over.

They both sat down on the couch. He put the soda next to her food on the table and then sat back while she stayed at the end of the couch so she could reach her food and she tried to pretend whatever was on the TV interested her. The way she sat left a gap between her top and her jeans and he couldn't help but let his fingers run over the exposed skin. Soon his palm was planted against her lower back sliding just a little back and forth. He couldn't tear his eyes away from her. It felt so good to have her back but this shield she still seemed forced to put up worried him.

"So you want to tell me what's been going on?" he asked once he could tell the bites got sparser. She shrugged.  
"She was arrested, they took her for a psych eval since they weren't sure if she was jonesing or a mental case, I mean who can blame them," she spoke nonchalant, "she's in the slammer now, a trial in a few weeks if she doesn't plead out."

She sighed and grabbed her soda to wash down some of the bad taste brought on by talking about the last few days. It hadn't been fun, at all.

"Can she plead out?" he asked but she just shrugged.  
"What about Tucker's charges? Will they try her for murder?"

He could feel her tense up a little under his touch.

"I'm not sure yet," she said before she had another taste of her drink. He stayed quiet, wasn't really sure what to say.  
"Barba's going to look over those charges though, Benson apparently set it up," she added once she'd put the soda can down.  
"That's nice of him," he smiled back, rubbing her back a little.  
"Yeah," she said turning to face the TV again.

"How was it seeing your sister again?" he asked hoping for an honest answer. He had to wait a while but he had the entire night for her.  
"A little… awkward I guess," she finally said. There was another pause but he could sense more was coming and he stayed quiet.  
"She wasn't really… well lucid when I first got there. When… she sobered up and the medicine kicked in it got a little easier," she said without looking back at him.

"Did she apologize?" he asked carefully. She snorted and then shot him a look with a raised eyebrow. She shook her head a little as she turned away again.  
"Haven't you noticed yet that me and my family aren't the best at apologizing," she said with a bit of sarcasm.  
"Oh you're not so bad at it," he said rubbing her lower back again, "and she really owes you one. A big one."

"Well my sister thinks the entire world owes _her_ and there's really not much you can say to try and convince her otherwise," she just said.  
"And that's not really your job," he said, "was your mom there?"

Again he felt her tense up and it was quite obvious she disliked talking about this. She pushed away the container like just the sight of the food made her feel sick all of a sudden.

"I'm just wondering if you had back-up or if you were forced to deal with this alone yet again?" he tried to explain.  
"My mom isn't exactly back-up," Amanda mocked.  
"But she was there?"  
"Of course she was, when the situation seems insufferable you can always trust my mom to walk in and make it even more so," Amanda sighed. She moved a little on the couch making his hand fall off her. He let it rest right by her sensing she wasn't in the mood to be touch right now.

"But your old captain had your back right?" he said and tried any jealousy out of his voice.  
"Yeah, he had my back and I paid him back by screwing him a couple of times," she said with a hostile tone.  
"That was not…" he said but bit down quickly. He recognized her provoking tone and he knew she was just trying to pick a fight to get off the topic.  
"What?" she asked turning slightly towards him, "What do you have to say about that?"

He just tried to breathe calmly and just looked at her with kind eyes so she would realize he wasn't going to fight her right now. It seemed to work as she turned away again.

"I really wanted to be there with you, had you asked I would've gone with you in a second," he said calmly.  
"I can take care of myself," she said quietly.  
"I know you can, my point is you don't have to," he said reaching out to touch her lower back again, "I just want to be by your side. You don't have to be alone any longer Amanda."

His hand went up her back a little but when he came up to that part of her back that had made her flinch earlier she pulled away slightly and he let his hand fall back down again just so he could stay connected with her.

"Will you go down for the trial?"  
"I guess," she said a bit hesitant.  
"Will you let me go with you then?"

"Why would you want to…" she started but seemed to change her mind, "How did you plan to get that by Benson without her suspecting anything?"  
"We'll figure it out, we're detectives after all," he said.  
"Well she is too," Amanda said.

The atmosphere had gone less thick. Nick knew he should count his blessings but he wouldn't be a good boyfriend if he just let this one go.

"What happen to your back?" he asked and wished he could see the response on her face.  
"Amanda?" he had to say when she didn't answer.

"It was nothing, a scuffle, nothing," she said but sounded evasive.  
"A scuffle with whom?" he asked getting a little more worried.  
"Not me, I just got in-between my sister and this f nurse, I should've let Kim clock him," she said.  
"It was nothing," she said glancing back at him when she could feel he wasn't buying what she was saying.

"Can I have a look?" he asked fingering the hem of her top a little. She shook her head slightly.  
"The only way you're getting me out of my clothes tonight… well you know how," she said throwing him one of her cheeky looks over her shoulder. He couldn't help but smile but made no attempts to get closer to her or undress her. Tonight he wanted something else with her, he wanted that intimacy and trust he so desperately longed for and that he knew they needed to make this relationship work.

"You can't tell me you're honestly going to deprive me tonight," she said keeping her cheeky tone, "after you told me you missed me like crazy."  
"I don't think I used crazy…" he teased. She smiled and quickly got up on the couch straddling him. Her hands fell down on his chest and then went down to squeeze his abs gently. His hands went up her thighs and he rubbed them up and down as he watched her. He knew he would give in within a hot second if she started something but he had a feeling he wouldn't regret it if it did happen. How could he say no to this heavenly creature?

"But you did say you missed me," she smiled closing in on his lips. His hands went up around her ass at the same time as her tongue entered his mouth and he inhaled deeply. He enjoyed her taste, her smell, the way her hair felt against his face and the way she felt underneath his hands. He kept his mouth open, giving her the room to roam around with her tongue. As usual she was eager at first but then something made her slow down and her tongue just folded around his, softly massaging it. Her hands had gone back up to his chest and now one of them came up to cup his cheek. He felt her fingers go down to his jawline and then they slowly made their way up to his ear. It felt as though she explored his face like a blind person, like she was making sure that it was him and that she still knew his face. He didn't complain, her touch felt great and he wanted to remunerate it so his hands once more found the gap between her jeans and top and started to slowly swipe back and forth over her soft skin. She seemed to like that as her hips started to move slightly but far from the seductive way her hips usually moved.

Even though their kiss was soft and far from the way they usually sucked air out of each other she seemed to need air after a while and she rested her forehead against his. Her hands rested on each side of his face and he opened up his eyes getting a somewhat blurry sight of her still closed eyes. Without opening her eyes she moved one of her hands down to his chest so she had room to start to trail small kisses down all the way to his neck. He leaned his head slightly to one side to give her more room, he loved having her lips on his skin almost as much as he loved having it attached to his mouth.

"Yes I've missed you," he mumbled and he figured she must be the best truth detector in the world. Even though he would never allow it he smiled as he thought about how they should just send her in to do this to any suspect in interrogation and they would surely get their confession within minutes.

She used her teeth a little on his neck but again, not with her usual frenzy.

"I missed you too," she mumbled in-between small kisses and lovebites and his gut stirred. Hearing that made him the happiest man on earth and he held her a little tighter for a few seconds. Her hand had found its way down to his crotch again and he moaned as her hand stroke his member through his pants.

"I missed kissing you," she mumbled as her lips went down further on his shoulder, pushing his tee to the side.  
"I missed touching you… making love to you… holding on to you…"

She'd worked her way back to his neck and came back to catch his mouth briefly. Her eyes were still closed. He saw that as she had his full attention. He saw her, listen to her, felt her and he felt so very blessed. Both hands were drawing soft circles down on her lower back.

"Sleeping next to you…" she mumbled as she went down his other side. Her hand was still down on his member but it had almost stopped moving now. He had already felt it happening. Her body was completely relaxed, her words got drowsier, her lips moving slower.

"I've missed you," she whispered as her lips made one last stop right above the vein in his neck and then her head slumped down on his shoulder. He felt one long and deep exhale against his neck and then she was gone. At sleep. Completely rested. At peace.

He smiled and had to fight the urge to chuckle as he didn't want to wake her. He'd been right when he'd done that first assessment, she'd looked hungry and tired. He'd fed her and now he'd lulled her.

He reached down between them carefully, aiming for her wrist and when he found it he slowly brought it up. He kissed her palm before he let her hand come to a rest on his chest. He stroke away some strands of hair from her face so he could get a better look at her peaceful face. She was just so beautiful and she was his. At that very moment she was no one's but his. At that moment he didn't doubt her love. She'd aimed straight for him when she came back to the city. She'd missed him, probably been in need of solace after stressful days down in Atlanta and she'd known he could give that to her. And he'd been there for her, avoided her traps to pick fights and all her insecurities. And now here she was. In his arms where she belonged.

It didn't take long until she was snoozing calmly and all while he caressed the side of her face and just enjoyed feeling her heart beat right above his own. He thought about getting his feet up on the couch and place himself a little more comfortable so they could just sleep there. He realized though that in the position they were in made it rather easy for him to have a look at her back and whatever marks that scuffle that she'd said weren't really a scuffle had made on her.

He carefully let his hand move up underneath her top and just as carefully pushed it up by slowly dragging his palm against her soft skin. He should've known it would look worse than she'd painted it. A large portion of her back and shoulder blade were covered in nasty looking purple bruises. He understood why just the mere touch had been painful. He wasn't really sure what could've caused such a bruise, it didn't look like fist marks but more like blunt force trauma by being hit up against a wall or maybe a fall. He was rather sure this hurt more than she let on.

He knew he couldn't kiss and make it better and he feared running his hand over it would wake her up so he just pulled down her top again. For a few seconds a worry sneaked in that something else had happen. She'd mentioned screwing her former captain. _Had someone else tried something like screwing her? Had that son of a bitch that assaulted her before she transferred tried again?_ He tried to push the thoughts out of his mind. He knew he needed to trust her, if he didn't they were doomed, then their relationship would be doomed.

So he pushed the worries out to get back to that happy place again. To that place where there was just the two of them, caring for each other and loving each other. Where she'd missed him just as much as he'd missed her if that was even possible. To where she'd run straight back to him and how she trusted him to be able to handle her. A test he knew he'd passes since she now was resting peacefully in his arms. She'd given herself to him and he had received her and in this place right now in time they were invincible. No one and nothing could hurt them right now.

He got his legs up on the couch and once he lay down she repositioned herself in her sleep finding a spot on top of him that worked for both of them. Her face was nestled in right by his neck, her breaths caressing his skin with every heartbeat and he wasn't sure he'd ever fallen asleep happier in his entire life.

**He would wake up** a few hours later and immediately missed her. When he didn't sense her on top of him he immediately popped his eyes open and he sat up once he'd confirmed she wasn't there.

"Amanda?" he called out into the dark apartment. He couldn't hear her anywhere. The lamp in the corner of the room along with the muted TV were his only sources of light. He spotted the food container on the table and knew it hadn't been a dream. She had been there. He called out her name once more as he stood up. A smile spread over his face as he spotted her jeans folded on the chair by the wall and he continued into the bedroom figuring she might have wanted to lie down on a proper bed. The bedroom was empty though. The bathroom was lit and she wasn't in there either.

"Amanda," he called out again walking back into the living room. He checked the kitchen, it looked just as how he'd left if after reheating the food for her. _Where could she be_, he wondered as he caught something outside the kitchen window. It looked like smoke and he walked closer so he could see where it originated from. He caught some more smoke and then saw an extended hand leaning against the railing outside on the stairs holding on to a lit smoke. He didn't have to investigate further to understand he'd find who he'd been looking for.

He found the door unlocked and he stuck his feet down into his sneakers before he stepped outside. He smiled once he got out in the corridor and spotted one of his flip-flops stuck in the front door. He would really have to give her keys so she didn't have to risk getting locked out. She of course caught him coming through the door and shot him a smile over her shoulder in response to the one he was already wearing. She looked refreshed, like just the few hours of sleep had done wonders for her.

"I know I always say I'm going to quit," she said as he walked up behind her, "What can I say, I have a weak character."

He sat down next to her on the stairs and reached in to plant a kiss on her temple before he said anything.

"You have nothing _but_ a weak character," he then said, "A weak character don't have the balls to sit out on the street in the middle of the night in New York city in only a tee and one flip-flop."

He'd leaned forward and spotted the spouse to the one holding up the door.

"I am wearing panties too," she pointed out.  
"Oh can't forget the panties," he smiled.  
"No, never forget the panties," she said sounding philosophical. He chuckled and she shot him a cheeky smile.

"You can smoke inside by the window you know, I'm not that strict," he said.  
"And miss inhaling the fresh city air?" she said a little overly theatrical.

He were about to put his hand on her back when he remembered the bruises and he redirected it to her lower back instead. It was even better since he then could go in underneath her top and get the chance to feel her skin against his own again. She shot him a smile and inhaled deeply before she curled up a little against her own knees.

"What woke you up?" he asked since he was worried she was hiding some anxiety lingering after the last couple of days in Atlanta. She usually smoked when something troubled her.

"Needed a smoke," she said holding up the rest of her cigarette. She shot him an awkward smile before she put the bud to her lips and pulled one last inhale before she put it out against the staircase. He watched her blow the smoke out and even though he disliked smoking he had to admit the smoke trailing around her face most definitely upped her already sky high sex appeal.

"Are you sure?" he asked rubbing his hand a little harder against her lower back. She shot him a quick look, her smile had faded some and then she hugged her legs once she turned her eyes back out on the street.

"Atlanta wasn't exactly… fun," she said quietly.  
"I get that," he said and she shot him a brief and nervous smile. She rocked a little back and forth as she seemed to think about something. He watched her the whole time and caught her shiver with both his eyes and through the hand he kept on her lower back.

"Are you cold?" he asked immediately wishing he'd brought a hoodie with him. She shot him another look, her eyes going down from his eyes to his lips and then she shook her head attempting a smile before she looked away again.

"You should just run as far away from me and my… issues as you can," she said looking down the other side of the street to avoid looking at him.  
"Not gonna happen," he said scooting in closer to her, snaking his arm around her hip. She kept her face hidden from him.  
"It's too late," he said, "you hooked me and even if I wanted to I just can't shake you now."

Her eyes never came around to meet his but she turned her head slightly and he caught the faint smile on her face.

"Talk to me about Atlanta," he said even though he knew that would wipe the slight smile off her face. She took a deep breath and cleared her throat a little.

She'd gotten the call from Sam as she walked out of her GA meeting. He didn't call her that often these days so she was happy to see his name in the window, figured he might have some gossip about her old squad to feed her after a rather bleak meeting. She had a good run lately, she was in a good place so she should've known something bad was around the corner though.

The drive home had been somewhat erratic and she'd missed a few cars with only inches. Once home she'd immediately got online to get tickets out of the city. There was one more flight out tonight and it would be close but she had to make it. She'd packed a trunk, or more so thrown what she could get her hands on the fastest into it. The cab she'd called meanwhile had been waiting outside once she got down and she said there would be a fifty extra for him if he got her to the airport asap. He'd delivered and she shot him a thank you as she sprinted inside.

She'd made the flight with time to spare and she'd sat outside the gate contemplating to call him. She knew she should've but she also knew she might not be able to stay collected if she got any concern aimed her way right then. She'd shut the phone off instead and boarded the plane.

Sam had been waiting outside the airport as promised and taken her straight to the psych ward. It wasn't the first time she walked up those grim looking stairs but she would never get used to it. The patient was the same as well and as usual she used her badge to get in after visiting hours. What she'd met entering Kim's room had been another sight she never would get used to.

"When…" she started but would need his encouragement to keep going. He squeezed her hip gently and gave her a reassuring smile when her eyes flickered by his. She cleared her throat again.

"When I got there she was restrained to a bed, we're not talking handcuffs though. I've always hated seeing her like that and as usual I had to persuade them to take them off. They had an officer at the door and I promised I would make sure she didn't run off but…" she took a pause to take a deep breath, "they said she was violent. She was jonesing kind of bad."

She shot him an awkward smile.

"But I knew how to handle all that, it wasn't the first time. When I got her lose all she wanted was to hug me and she told me how these gremlins were trying to kill her. She was kind of messed up, she'd been off her meds for months and coming down from God knows what. She was so thin Nick…"

To keep the tears down she took a deep breath that stalked up in her throat and he held her a little tighter for a while. He could tell her loads of things, how her sister's state wasn't her fault, how it wasn't her fault she'd gone off her meds, but he knew it wouldn't serve a purpose. Not right now. Maybe in a day or two he could try and convince her but right now it would only cause friction between them and it was the last thing he wanted, or that she needed. But he knew she would go there in a heartbeat if he said anything bad about her sister right now.

"Go on," he whispered once he could feel she'd collected herself again.  
"She's going behind bars, the only question is for how long," she said throwing him a quick look.

"Can you handle that?" he asked.  
"What choice do I have," she said shrugging.

"And your mom? How is she handling all of this?"

He felt her tense up and she squirmed a little but he wouldn't let her go.

"Well as usual she tried to stick her head in the sand at first. Sam had tried to get a hold of her but she wasn't picking up so I had to head out there the following day. "  
"Loganville?"  
"Where people matter," she said with a mocking tone. He'd heard her trash the city's motto before and chose to ignore it now.

"So did she come with you?" he asked when she didn't continue.  
"After some convincing yes. Should've left her there though. It didn't do Kim any good to have her there."  
"What happen?"

"She was back in her restraints when we got there, I talked them into taking them off again but of course mom riled her up and…" Amanda shook her head in disbelief, "I'm not sure but somehow Kim _and_ mom got in a beef with this nurse, he was a complete jerk for sure but then of course I end up in the middle of it all and that's how I hurt my back. No biggie," she said trying to smooth it over as usual.

"Then she was cuffed and there wasn't much I could do about it but," she made a face and threw her hands out, "of course it was all my fault."

"We know better than that though," he said but bit down as he caught the look she threw him. He couldn't get around why she was so protective of her sister. It was just so deep rooted, he worried what she had to protect herself and her sister from as they grew up. Something must've made her this guarded and cautious with her feelings. The lack of not being told that you were loved surely had a big impact on her. The lack of good role models, stability perhaps.

"You want to go back inside?" he asked but she quickly shook her head.

"Did you meet some of your old squad?" he asked after a while.  
"Yeah. I stopped by there to check out Tucker's charges. And I had lunch with Sam and an old partner."  
"Did you have a good partner back in Atlanta?"  
"Yeah, five of them, we rotated in the squad, they were all good guys," she said and he could tell she relaxed a bit talking about them.

"Maybe you'll introduce me to them when I go down there with you?" he said. She shot him a look and he watched her study his face for a while.  
"What? Are you afraid I'll make a fool out of myself?" he asked and he managed to get her to smile. She shook her head slowly, her eyes still watching him attentively.

"Don't worry okay, I'll find a good cover story for why I'm down there with you," he said as though he could read her troubled mind. He got a little taken by surprise when her lips landed briefly on his. She let them go just as quickly but he could feel her scooting even closer to him as she looked down the street again and it made him feel really good. He wished he wasn't so darn curious though since he knew he would blew this good moment.

"Did you see the…" he searched his head for the word she'd used but he couldn't find it right now, "your SOB for deputy chief?"

She froze a little and she kept her face hidden from him. It took a while but then finally she answered;

"Just briefly."

He wanted more, he wanted to know what had happen between them years ago but he could tell from her tone of voice that she wanted to get off the topic so he wouldn't push right now, it wasn't the right time.

"So how did you leave it, with your sister I mean?" he asked instead.  
"She was transferred to the prison, she's going to stay a few days in their hospital ward. It takes a while for her meds to have effect. Once she's on them she'll… no, it will probably not help her much. I'm not sure how she's going to handle being locked up. I've always managed to keep her out but this time… I can't."

She hugged her legs again, briefly looking his way and he saw the tears in her eyes. He was about to repeat his mistake but again caught himself and redirected his hand to her shoulder. He placed a kiss on the side of her head.

"She put herself there Amanda, it's not your fault," he whispered holding her tight. It took a while but then she put her head down against his shoulder and he leaned his head on top of hers.

They just sat there for a while until suddenly a little, old man showed up with a tiny mutt in a leash. He stopped right below the stairs and stared at them suspiciously.

"What's up?" Amanda asked casually. The man frowned, shook his head and then continued walking. Nick chuckled.  
"C'mon let's get back inside before you actually managed to chat someone up," he said stirring a bit. He let her go so she could get up but before he walked back inside he extended his hand to her and she grabbed it with a smile. At the door he shoved it open and then put the flip-flop down in front of her so she could stick her foot in it.

"Cinderella," he said chivalrous holding up the door for her.  
"It doesn't fit, neither do I," she grinned as she walked by him without letting go of his hand.  
"Well thank God you fit me perfectly," he said ingratiatingly and took lead down the corridor to his door. He let her inside and gave her time to shake of the flip-flops.

"You think you can get back to sleep?" he asked leading her inside.  
"Maybe," she said giving him a faint smile.  
"Let's try," he suggested leading her into the bedroom. Once by the bed he let her go so he could pull the cover.

"Are you gonna go in tomorrow?" he asked and she nodded once he looked at her.  
"Are you sure you don't want to take a day off?" he tried hoping he could convince her of that.  
"I need to work, it clears my head," she said as she sat down on the bed with a sigh. He stepped closer to her and she immediately wrapped her arms around his hips and pulled him even closer. He tried to take it easy as he put his hands on her back but even the light touch had her flinching slightly. He thought of something.

"Hey take your top off and lay down on the bed," he said letting her go.  
"What?" she asked a bit bewildered, having closed her eyes and zoomed out a bit while holding on to him. Maybe she was rather tired after all.  
"Your top, take it off and lay down on the bed," he said from the bathroom.

"…okay," she said a bit hesitant. She felt like going to sleep but if he wanted sex she could get in the mood she thought to herself. She pulled her top off and lay down on her back frowning a bit as she made contact with the bed. _Maybe he'll let me get on top_. He walked out from the bedroom holding some tube in his hands and she looked a bit skeptical.

"Turn over," he said once he reached the bed. She got up on her elbows, face changing from skeptical to reluctant.  
"I've already peeked at your back," he confessed as he thought he knew the reason she didn't want to turn over.  
"C'mon, roll over," he said when she didn't move, "this cream really works. I've used it several times when shot through Kevlar. You probably know how painful that can be."

She knew and once she'd weighed the pros and cons of letting him see the full extent of her back she slowly rolled over quickly burying her face in the sheet once she was down on her stomach like that would ease some of her humiliation. She hated showing weakness and a bruised back was in her eyes a sign of weakness.

It was worse seeing her entire back exposed but he collected himself quickly and got his knee up on the bed. He made his way over to her and straddled her carefully. Before he started applying the cream he planted a soft kiss right below her shoulder blade. Her skin was darkest right there. She stirred slightly underneath his lips but she wasn't sure if it was more of pleasure than pain. She smiled as she thought that his lips were the real miracle cream.

He started carefully applying the cream, covering every single bruise with a thin layer. She moaned a little at first but after a while she started relaxing and let out a moan that didn't sound like she was in pain at all, quite the opposite.

"Does that feel good?" he asked smiling. She made a sound that let him know she was thinking about it.  
"…maybe a little," she whispered and he chuckled.

"You want me to keep going for a while? With the rest of your back," he asked and he took the slurred sound she made as a yes. He massaged her back gently, staying away from the injured parts this time around. He moved down a bit so he could get to her lower back as well, letting his hands go down her sides and just slightly underneath the hem of her panties. He almost thought she'd fallen asleep but then she let out a long, deep sigh.

"Okay time to get some more sleep," he said getting up off her. He heard her sigh a little disappointed as he walked in to the bathroom to wash his hands from the cream.

"If you get underneath the covers I might massage other parts," he teased before he disappeared through the door. That suggestion made her eyes pop open and she managed to somehow get herself up on all four and up to the head of the bed. He walked out of the bathroom just as she got herself beneath the cover and he smiled.

"Just call me easy," she mumbled lying down on her side.  
"Easy to persuade yes," he smiled getting out of his sweatpants. He pulled of his tee as he made his way over to the bed. He left his boxers on sliding in between the sheets.

"We don't have to…" he said laying down facing her. He didn't want to pressure her into something she didn't want to do.

"I've heard it's only polite to repay favors," she said as she moved slightly underneath the sheet. Even though the sheet covered her he had no trouble picking up that she was getting out of her panties, he'd seen her do it many times now. And as usual he couldn't contain his smile or avoid the arousal happening in his boxers. Her hands came up from underneath the sheet bearing her panties.

"Trade you mine for yours," she said raising her eyebrow at him as he didn't move. He got going on removing his boxers and she tossed her panties to the side.  
"Are you sure…" he said as he undressed, "…I mean with your back." He tossed his boxers off the bed.  
"Maybe you can let me get top," she suggested scooting a little closer.  
"Oh you get whatever you want," he smiled.  
"Does that mean I can take whatever I want too," she smiled cheekily as her hand went down his body underneath the sheet.

"Don't you always," he teased but got to regret it as she squeezed his member. It wasn't all bad though, he kind of liked her rough handling. She let him go and lithely slid over him, straddling him at the same time as her lips caught his. The kiss got passionately quickly, her hands roaming around in his hair as she moved her hip above him getting his erection to grow rapidly. His hands were on her knees, sliding up her thighs and he came off the bed slightly so he could get all the way down to her ass, squeezing it before he lay back down again.

He got his hand down in-between them and she moaned into his mouth as he got his fingers on her clit. He only had to keep his hand there as she rubbed herself against it, pleasing herself and managing to build up his erection even further at the same time. She was brilliant at multitasking.

Suddenly she let his mouth go though and he felt her pull his wrist back up. He looked at her eyes trying to get a read on her. He lost a little focus though as he felt her grab a hold of him and he had to try really hard to stay still as he felt her lower herself on top of him. She exhaled as she got down to his base.

"God how I missed you," he whispered looking deep in to her eyes that hovered a few inches above him. She smiled slightly but got interrupted by a gasp as she moved herself up and then down over him again. He caressed her face as she kept moving. He wanted to withhold longer but maybe it was being deprived for three whole days or just the intimacy of the moment but he just couldn't and she didn't help by switching to those small, rapid movements as she heard him starting to groan.

He tried holding on to her eyes as he felt himself losing control but it was all just too sweet and his head rolled back on the pillow. She got her hands around his neck and her lips on his throat as his hands grabbed a hold of her waist. She had his hip locked down with her own and she steeled herself as he grinded up against her filling her up. He fell back down on the bed panting and he managed to get his head back up meeting the top of her head as she was still kissing and biting down on his throat. He laid there enjoying coming down, feeling her devour his skin and her light touch over his chest. She must have missed him too.

"Let me…" he whispered once his heartbeats were at an even rhythm again and he got his hand back down between their bodies. She gave him room to reach down between her legs again and came up to meet his mouth. He sucked in the air she exhaled as his fingers went inside her. He knew how to work her quickly and efficient but tonight he took his time, wanted to prolong her pleasure at the same time as he wanted to spare her back. But as usual she didn't do slow and cautious. She started to move her hips against his hand urging him on.

And also as usual she started to try and get away from his touch once the sensation got too much to handle for her. With her on top and him not wanting to grab a hold around her back it got a little tricky for him though. When she pulled away from his mouth he grabbed a hold of her hair and forced her head back down against his shoulder. They'd been there before so he knew he wasn't doing anything she disliked. He hooked two fingers inside of her and used his thumb to work her clit. She arched her back which brought her further up on his stomach. Her moans right by his ear and his stomach getting glossy by her fluids made him aroused again and he fully enjoyed both feeling and hearing her come. He didn't let her go until she relaxed back down on top of him and he pulled out his fingers carefully knowing she was still sensitive. He'd let go off his harsh grip in her hair and just played around softly in her locks. Once he'd wiped his other hand on the sheet he wrapped it carefully around her waist.

"I think I really missed you too," she whispered near his ear and he chuckled as much as he had energy for right now. He was rather tired and she obviously were too as it didn't take long until he felt her fall asleep on top of him. And as usual her calm snoozes made him follow her to sleep feeling like the luckiest man in the world.

**He drove her** over to her place in the morning, stopping to pick up some breakfast. He walked upstairs with her just to get a few extra minutes with her, and yes maybe just to see her change clothes too as it meant he could at least try and get a little handsy. Once she was redressed he had fun feeding her a croissant as she briefly sat down in his lap and then he got a few minutes of make out session before she spoiled it by saying they had to get to the station.

She took her car and he followed her to the station. Since they came in different cars he got to walk upstairs with her.

"Partner," Fin squealed a little once he walked in a few minutes after them. He made her get up from her desk and give him a hug.  
"You doin' okay?" Fin asked a little quietly before he stepped away from her. She gave him a reassuring nod and then Fin walked over to his side of their desks. He would pump her for more information during lunch just to make sure she really was alright.

"Rollins, nice to see you back," Liv greeted as she walked in a little later, "you want to just step in to my office with me for a bit?"

Amanda nodded and hurried after Liv shooting Nick a bit of a worried look. He smiled at her though and she immediately felt a little calmer. Whatever happened he would be there and that notion calmed her.

"Have a seat," Liv said letting her pass in the door so she could close the door after them.  
"Breakfast meeting with Barba," Liv sighed dropping a large pile of files on her desk. Amanda nodded since she really wasn't sure what to say.

"So..." Liv said sitting down after she'd hung her blazer on her chair. Amanda felt a little awkward underneath her gaze even though Liv did nothing but smile calmly at her.  
"You probably know I've been in contact with your captain, with Sam, while you were down in Atlanta," Liv said putting it out there and Amanda nodded.  
"And I've talked to Barba about the charges Tucker wants to add to your sister's case, to see if we can get rid of them altogether."  
"Yeah, I heard, thanks," Amanda said quickly.  
"No need to thank me, of course we don't want to let him add fuel to the fire," Liv smiled.

"How is your sister doing?" Liv asked sensing Amanda was tense and wanting her to get a little more relaxed.  
"Back on her meds, somewhat detoxed, from the other stuff I mean," Amanda said feeling like she rambled a bit, "not sure how she'll do with the whole being locked up bit but..." She really wasn't sure what to say and she just quiet down.

"No, of course that's always tough. And how are you doing Amanda?"  
"I'm... I mean I don't want to see her locked up either but she's where she belongs for the crimes she's committed I guess," Amanda said a little vaguely. Liv nodded like she understood though and Amanda tried to relax a little.

"But how are you doing Amanda," Liv tried again, "I heard there was a bit of tumult at the hospital ward, should you really be working yet?"  
"Oh I'm fine," Amanda said straightening up a little, "I just tripped."  
"I heard you got knocked over and that you were actually unconscious for a few minutes..."  
"It was... nothing, I mean I landed badly that's all. I was checked out and I'm fine," Amanda tried to reassure her, the last thing she wanted right now was to be sent home to an empty apartment where she would be alone with her thoughts.

"Okay but you know you don't have to come rushing back to work," Liv said, "We need you here Amanda, badly and not just cause we're short staffed, you're a valuable part of this squad but I don't want it to be at cost of your health and wellbeing."

Amanda cleared her throat a little, stirring in her seat as she was moved by Liv's words. _A valuable part of the squad._ She hoped that it wasn't just empty words to make her feel better now that her sister had messed up her life again, that Liv just didn't feel pity for her.

"I really mean that Amanda," Liv said sensing her skepticism, "this squad would not work this efficient without you."  
"And not only cause you and Amaro seem to work a little better as a team these days," Liv added as a bit of comic relief and Amanda chuckled awkwardly.

"I'm really glad to see you back Amanda," Liv said seriously, "just take your time though and if you need to go back down to deal with anything regarding your sister, or anything else, just come to me and we'll sort it out okay? And if there's anything I can help you with regarding your sister, or anything else, please just let me know. My door's always open for you Amanda."

"Okay," Amanda said when she realized she had to give Liv some form of response. She felt a little unprepared to receive such praise and from Olivia as well. These last few days had just made her feel vulnerable and as soon as she got a chance she excused herself so she could get back to work and try and put it all behind her.

**But with her sister** behind bars and an upcoming trial she of course couldn't put it behind her yet, if ever. The legal issues of course meant a few phone calls back and forth since they were in different states. Nick knew Amanda appreciated that her old captain kept an eye on the progress with the case since she couldn't be there herself. He also could figure out that Amanda had trust in her old captain as he caught her more than once getting a little agitated on the phone, when it came to personal stuff she rarely let anyone see just how upset she was.

He remembered last year when her sister had set her up to actually kill her boyfriend. Even behind bars herself Amanda had kept a straight face. It was only when Tucker revealed that they would be going after Kim that she broke down. He would never get his head around why she would want to stick by someone doing something that heinous towards you, family or not it was unforgiveable. But he'd been there in that office as Tucker informed her and her tears had been real as well as her devastation. He'd driven her home afterwards, Cragen in the passenger seat as Amanda had ducked in to the backseat as soon as they reached his car. He hadn't been able to keep from throwing glances at her through the back mirror. She'd kept her head down, face turned slightly outwards but he'd caught her wiping away silent tears ever so often.

But it wasn't just the many phone calls down to Atlanta that gave witness to that something was bothering her. The second night back she woke them both up by sitting up screaming. She was drenched in sweat and when he'd tried to push her to talk to him she retracted to the bathroom for a shower. He'd tried to stay awake while the shower kept running but he must've fallen back to sleep and when he woke up a few hours later she was gone.

The following night she woke him up again, this time by stirring in bed next to him and mumbling words of distress. All he could pick up was 'help' and when she started to silently cry in her sleep he just couldn't bear it any longer and woke her up. She seemed embarrassed and when he just tried to get her to fall back asleep in his safe embrace he could tell she was stiff and after a while she'd excused herself by saying she would get a glass of water. When she hadn't come back twenty minutes later he walked out to find her asleep under a blanket on his couch.

He tried to ask her the following day what the nightmares were about but her initial response was to get a little ticked off which usually meant she had something to hide so he pushed but then she just said they were about her sister being locked away in a scary place with no means to defend herself. He figured that might be the truth, or at least a partial truth, but he thought something else was going on as well. When she stopped staying the night, slipping back to how it was in the beginning of their relationship, getting dressed once they were done in the sack only to sneak back home he knew they had a serious problem at hand.

He'd tried the careful and soft approach and since it wasn't working he decided to go for the hands-on approach. She managed to sneak her panties back on before he sprung to action but then as she tried to push her foot down one of the pants legs he grabbed a hold, preventing her from threading them back on.

"I want you to stay," he said firmly prepared for a fight.  
"Stay the night," he said when her eyes turned to him.

"No, I'm going home," she said defiant trying to push her leg down even though he was holding tight around the fabric.  
"Why Amanda? Why can't you stay the night?" he asked not letting go.

"Cause you need to sleep, we both need to sleep," she said and to his surprise she sounded less confrontational than he'd prepared himself for. She'd even stopped trying to push her foot through his grip on the leg.

"I sleep better when you're next to me," he said scooting closer to her now that he felt save from being punched by a fist or by those flares that could come out of her eyes at times. She gave him a doubtful look.  
"I do," he reassured her, "and maybe you'll have a night without nightmares if you stay here."

He took a gamble, figuring it was nightmares that were behind those dark rings starting to form underneath her eyes. He knew nightmares could be serious but they were still trivial to other worries that started to sneak in as she sneaked out every night. _Was she back to gambling again? Had the stress of what was going on with her sister, even though she acted cool about it, made her slip? Was this her subtle way of breaking up with him?_ He knew, he at least hoped, he was being paranoid and perhaps even a little selfish by making this about him but he couldn't help it, he was worried about where she went once she left his place.

"I don't want to keep you up," she said with a sigh.  
"You won't," he said even though he knew that wasn't a promise he could make. He tugged at her jeans, she didn't put up much of a fight and he tossed them back to the floor grabbing hold of her arm instead so he could pull her back to bed. He let her back in underneath the sheet and pulled her back in to him so he could spoon her. He got in really tight, snuggling up, letting his hands go up and down her body a little before he settled with one hand right below her bellybutton and the other one up between her breasts, right above her heart.

He could feel she wasn't relaxing so he started drawing small circles on her stomach as he nestled his nose in to her hair taking a deep whiff filling his inside with her sweet scent. He got back out from her blonde locks so he could get closer to her ear.

"Can you tell me what the nightmares are about?" he asked carefully. She was quiet for a while but then she sighed deeply and whispered;  
"Just my sister n' all."

He placed a kiss right by her ear when she didn't say anything more.

"Are you afraid she won't make it on the inside?"  
"She's been locked into psych wards before, I dunno, I guess it's a little like prison. She knows how to fight, I just wish I could be by her side."

"You're not planning on getting yourself locked up now are you?" he joked and he heard her blow air through her nose so he knew she'd taken it the right way.  
"No," she whispered, "I just wish I could be closer to her."  
"Are you thinking about moving back to Atlanta?" he asked trying to keep his voice and himself calm. Just the thought of losing her made his core freeze. She was quiet for a while and he felt himself hold her just a little bit tighter.

"No," she finally said though and he was able to breathe again.  
"I couldn't go back there," she added. He would've preferred to hear she didn't want to leave him, that he was the reason she didn't want to leave New York but he feared it was more someone she didn't want to face in Atlanta again. Someone that might scare her to the point she was even willing to leave her sister fighting for herself.

"Why not?" he dared to ask. He was ready for her to pull away but she just laid still, maybe there was a slight hiccup in her breathing.  
"I just don't want to go back," she whispered.

"Cause you'd miss me," he smiled wanting to cheer her up a little and he felt the chuckle in her body so he knew he'd succeeded.  
"All of me or just parts of me?" he teased.  
"Parts and all," she answered.  
"Good answer," he said putting his lips on her skin again. A few minutes passed but he could feel her body was nowhere near relaxed enough to go to sleep.

"But there's someone you don't want to face, that you don't want to work alongside back in Atlanta right?" he asked.  
"I thought you wanted to sleep," she said and he recognized the tone in her voice. The tone that told him to tread lightly but he loved her enough to try and push just a little further.

"I want you to feel better," he said.  
"And sleep will do that," she argued.  
"Sleep without nightmares yes," he said and got an immediate response as she tried to pull away.

"I told you I could sleep at home," she said trying to get up.  
"That's not what I meant," he said holding her down. He wanted to see her face, wanted to connect with her but he knew that would pressure her even more and then he might not be able to keep her there.

"Amanda, please just…" he said but didn't have to go on as she stopped trying to get lose and just relaxed back against him breathing hard. He took a few breaths as he carefully eased up a little on his tight grip on her. He would be very disappointed if she ran now but he knew he couldn't keep her there with force if she didn't want to, he could and _would_ never cage her.

"I think you need to talk to someone," he said.  
"We're talking," she said and he could almost hear her pouting her lips.

"Yes and that's great but I think you need to talk to someone who can make these nightmares go away."  
"I'm just worried about my sister," she tried.  
"I'm sure they're triggered by that but there's more here Amanda, things you need to talk about and I would love to be the one you talk to but if not… than someone."

"Can we just sleep," she asked sounding miserable.  
"Sure but just know… I want you to be able to sleep but if you can't for any reason I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. I love you and a nightmare won't change that. I love you," he repeated and placed one last kiss behind her ear before he lay down comfortable behind her.

He had one arm underneath her and the other one resting over her with his hand wrapped slightly around her arm. He watched the back of her head for a while, felt her torso rise and fall with every shallow breath. She was still tense and he was afraid to close his eyes as he feared she wouldn't be there when he opened them back up.

Amanda was scared. It was a rather unfamiliar feeling for her. Not many things in life scared her and here she was afraid to fall asleep next to probably the sweetest and most caring person she had ever had in her life. He didn't deserve either her anger or anxiety. She tried to bite down the negative thoughts that tried to take over her head. The 'I'm not girlfriend material' thoughts, the 'I'm only good for a lay' and 'I'm nothing but a slut'. She pinched her eyes shut, tried to hum a song in her head without actually humming so he wouldn't think she was more screwed up than what he already must think.

But he'd said he loved her, even after all of this. Even after knowing how screwed up her family was. Even after he'd learnt she'd been willing to go down on her knees to save her job, her life. He'd invited her in to get to know his daughter better. He wanted to wine and dine her. He wanted to be _her_ boyfriend. Despite everything. She had to at least try to reward him for all of that and the only thing he asked for right now was for her to sleep next to him. She could try that.

He felt her scoot backwards after a while, folding herself in to his body and he welcomed her, wrapping his arm tighter around her and again his face nestled up in her hair. She latched on to his hand with one of hers and her feet entangled with his. She made herself comfortable in his arms and she just focused on his breathing, tried to copy his calm breathing to make herself relax and it worked.

Twice he felt her jolt slightly as she was pulled back from the sleep she so desperately needed but there wasn't a third time and soon she was resting calmly in his arms. He didn't follow her immediately but instead tried to think about what else he could do to get her to open up about whatever it was that troubled her. He could shower her with love and affection but he wasn't sure that it was enough. _What if he wasn't enough?_ He fell asleep with a troubled mind.

She wouldn't get a peaceful sleep. A few hours later he woke up by her stirring and mumbling in her sleep. When he managed to get his eyes open he found her still in his arms but she'd rolled over and faced him now. He immediately got his hand on the side of her head and started stroking her gently, whispering soft words of reassurance that everything was okay, that she was safe. She calmed down quickly but he kept talking to her until her eyes stopped stirring underneath her eyelids. When she was back to snoozing calmly he pulled her in tighter and soon drifted off to sleep again.

**The next day** Amanda knocked on Liv's open door at a time where the boys were out of the squad room.

"Yeah?" Liv said looking up and got a kind smile on her face when she saw Amanda standing there.  
"You got a minute?" Amanda asked trying to not sound as nervous as she was.  
"Of course, come in, close the door," Liv said dropping whatever she had in her hands to give Amanda her full attention.  
"It will only take a minute," Amanda said not really wanting to close the door. Liv picked up on Amanda's stress, the slight bite on her lip and her churning hands were rather obvious giveaways. Taking a closer look on her Liv also registered the darkness underneath her eyes and now Liv got an eerie feeling in her gut. _Was she back to gambling?_

"If I, I mean," Amanda started but then took a deep breath, shot Liv a brief crocked smile and then tried again collecting some courage literally from her feet up as she shot them a quick glance.  
"If I wanted to see doctor Olivet again…?"  
"Yeah?" Liv said sounding surprised, it was probably the last thing she'd expected to hear.

"Would you... sign off on…" Amanda felt so awkward asking but Liv would help her out.  
"Of course, for sure," Liv said trying to not sound too excited. But the fact was she was. Happy that Amanda willingly wanted to visit the therapist, it was most definitely a step in the right direction.  
"I'll sign off on how many sessions you like, just let me know. I'll do it right away. Do you want me to set up an appointment or will you…"

"I'll do it, and I was just thinking like one session maybe," Amanda said sounding as awkward as she felt.  
"You don't have to decide that right now," Liv said, "Can I ask you though, is there something troubling you? Something I can help with?"

Amanda took a quick bite of her lip looking down on her hands.

"No it's just, my sister and all, I'm having some trouble sleeping," Amanda confided to her.  
"You're worrying about how she's holding up down there?" Liv suggested and Amanda nodded.

"I heard she's leaning towards taking the deal," Liv said and again Amanda nodded.  
"They've offered her two years if she gives up her dealer and some other people she's been hanging around the last couple of months. Barba got Tucker to drop all charges, even the federal offense for avoiding prosecution somehow," Amanda let her know.  
"That's something. Can she handle two years behind bars?"

"Don't do the crime if you can't do the time," Amanda said quietly shooting Liv an awkward smile.  
"Truth," Liv said smiling back but quickly got serious again, "Can _you_ handle her behind bars for two years?"

Amanda gave her a look shrugging slightly.

"Do I have a choice?" she said trying to smile. Olivia felt bad for her, she knew all too well what it was like to have a troublesome sibling.  
"I think it's a very good thing that you want to see Olivet again and my door is always open as well."  
"Thanks," Amanda said shooting a glance over her shoulder as she heard a voice reminding of her partner's. It was him and Nick walking back in and Amanda excused herself from Liv's office.

**Amanda mentioned** in passing to Nick that she was going to see doctor Olivet again and, just like Olivia, he tried to keep his excitement over this on the inside and just gave her a brief acknowledgement that he heard and approved of the news.

Olivet were able to see her rather quickly which Amanda wasn't sure how to deal with. As usual she would've preferred to put it off just a bit, maybe to the point it just disappeared. But then here she was, outside the doctor's office and she tried to stop herself from feeling so darn nervous._ You've been shot for darn sake, you can face a therapist. You've faced her before, she was no match. _But she _was_ nervous. Nervous as hell and she wiped her palms on her pants taking another lap further down the corridor as she readied herself to enter Olive's office.

"Amanda, there you are," Olivet said popping her head out in the corridor. Amanda instinctively brought her wrist up to check the time but as so many times before got reminded she didn't wear an arm watch any longer.

"Am I late?" Amanda said taking a few steps closer to her.  
"On the dot, usually I find my clients in the waiting room though," Olivet said smiling.  
"Oh, right," Amanda said a bit distracted as Olivet gestured her to step inside.

"I'm happy to see you here Amanda," Olivet said as they walked in to her office.  
"Really doc? Don't I always bring trouble," Amanda said feeling uncomfortable as she sat down on the now familiar couch.  
"Don't you know by now I feed on trouble," Olivet said sitting down and Amanda couldn't help but smile at the doctor's attempt to sound somewhat evil. She was pretty much the definition of not evil.

"So it's been… two months since I saw you last right," Olivet said with a bit of hesitance flipping to a blank page in her notebook in her lap. Amanda nodded even though she wasn't sure if that was correct or not. Olivet could tell by Amanda's body language that she was tense and she decided to do a little digging since the detective didn't seem all that keen to talk.

"And I haven't been sent a case report on you detective so I take it your visit's not immediately correlated to a major incident at work?"

Amanda didn't answer though, just shot her a glance looking a bit petrified.

"Is your visit related to your prior predicament...," Olivet tried.  
"My sister," Amanda said suddenly, "you know from last year." Olivet nodded.  
"She was arrested, in Atlanta. She's going to prison."

"Oh," Olivet said recollecting everything from her first encounter with the detective. She'd gone over the file a few days ago when the detective called out of the blue to set up another appointment. Olivet had looked the file over this morning again. She liked working for NYPD, not all her clients came from that assignment but some of her more interesting clients did. Olivet had always had a preference for the tougher clients, the ones that had shields up that seemed built out of armored steel and were ten miles wide. The ones that kept their guard up and let you really work for your money. The ones that could bite back hard once you just got close enough to sniff something of importance to get to what really troubled them. Olivet liked the challenge and Amanda was absolutely a challenge.

Olivet asked her to fill her in a little more about what had happen since her sister got arrested and Amanda told her about going back home for a couple of days, about the charges and about what looked to be the outcome of the deal her sister had agreed to.

"And where are you in the middle of all this Amanda?" Olivet asked once Amanda went quiet. Amanda looked a bit confused.  
"How are you dealing with everything? I can imagine this would bring up memories from the shooting… No?" Olivet asked as Amanda shook her head.

"He had a gun, he went for it even though he knew I was a cop. He forced my hand," Amanda said sounding a bit disconnected just as she'd done a year ago.

"How did the meeting with your sister go? Cause you haven't talked or seen her in over a year right?" Amanda shook her head.  
"No I haven't but… it went well."  
"Well? Care to elaborate," Olivet asked. Amanda sighed and then told her about how her sister had been off her meds and high on meth instead. How she'd been restrained to a bed in the psych ward as good 'ol times. Amanda managed to sound very callous but Olivet knew to see through that by now. The more callous she sounded the more it hurt so this obviously hurt.

"I'm not here to talk about my sister though," Amanda said suddenly as Olivet tried to probe.  
"No? What brings you here Amanda," Olivet asked intrigued. She wondered if it was just a way to get off the topic but would quickly learn it wasn't.

"I've been having trouble sleeping, it's starting to affect my work and… my relationship."

Olivet just nodded. This was the first time she'd heard about any relationship. She was a little curious, was it a guy? Or a girl? The gender wasn't really important but the thought struck Olivet along with how Amanda functioned in a twosome. She just seemed so independent Olivet wondered if that caused friction when it came to trusting her partner.

"I was faced… or confronted I guess with something when I went back home. Within the department that I transferred out of."

Olivet waited for something else but Amanda seemed to have trouble going further.

"It really isn't a big deal," Amanda said taking a deep breath trying to shake this ridiculous anxiety. She tried to rearrange herself on the couch a little, find a more comfortable spot but she just couldn't find one and finally gave up. Olivet was watching her the whole time and once Amanda realized she shook her head a little. _This was stupid. Just get it out._

"I… was ass…" she couldn't even say the word and had to start over, "assaulted back in Atlanta. By my deputy chief. It wasn't serious, I mean he was drunk, it was easy to fight him off. It's just, I've slept around… a lot. I'm not proud of it but I won't make excuses for it, I enjoy sex and just because I'm a woman I shouldn't have to feel bad about that." Amanda went quiet, eyes somewhere in the distance as she seemed caught up in her own thoughts.

"Amanda," Olivet said calling her back to the room, "I agree with everything you just said, your sexuality is your own business and no one else's. Something tells me though that you have doubts…" Olivet quiet down as Amanda started to shake her head.

"I don't, it's just… he trapped me… said things."  
"What things?" Olivet asked when Amanda stopped talking again. Amanda looked miserable when she looked back up at the doctor.  
"Just talk to me Amanda," Olivet asked.

"He'd made advances towards me in the past, as towards most women in the Atlanta PD," she said with an eye roll, "He'd seen me walk out of bars with other men. Never a cop though, I knew to stay away from that but when my squad… prowled, I did too and I could take their heat, I was one of the guys but with… he didn't like it. He ran his mouth for a long time in that… room. He wouldn't let me leave. He said I was a worthless cop, that was easy to shake off though, I know I can be a good cop when I don't… let other things distract me," she smiled awkwardly at Olivet.

"His words," Amanda said stocking up a little, "It's his words I hear at night."  
"What did he say to you?"

"He said I was a slut, that I was only good for a lay. That everyone saw me as white trash and that every cop talked behind my back. He got crude, or cruder after a while. He said I should be taught a lesson. Get raped, gangbanged, that he was sure my squad would learn me a lesson one day and do me like they all fantasized about. My squad was not like that and I had enough, I wanted to get out of there."

"But he wouldn't let you," Olivet said to which Amanda frowned.  
"But I did get out, eventually," Amanda said.  
"What happen before you managed to get out Amanda?"  
"I told you, it was nothing. I don't need to talk about that, I just want to get him out of my head."

"Did the assault have any effect on your sexual activity?"  
"No, or yeah I guess I got a little guarded for a while but when I was back in the saddle… so to speak… it was like nothing had happen."

"You never talked to anyone about the assault?"  
"Can we just not call it an assault, it was… just like a misdemeanor I guess, nothing serious."  
"I think it's important we call it what it was Amanda," Olivet explained.

"You don't know what it was, I haven't told you what happen," Amanda countered quickly.  
"Would you like to tell me then?" Olivet challenged. Amanda bit her lip, looking very defiant.  
"Fine, call it an assault, and I talked to my old captain about it, like a bit. Someone saw me… coming out of there and he told him so he approached me about it the next day."

"Did you file charges?"  
"It was not worth pursuing," Amanda said slowly and almost mechanically.  
"According to whom?" Olivet asked and Amanda got a frown on her face. She thought about it, tried to recall how that conversation with her captain had gone down.  
"I guess it was my captain who said that," Amanda mumbled.

"Did you want to report it?" Olivet asked.  
"No," Amanda answered immediately and sounded like it was obvious.  
"But if your captain would've encouraged you to do it, would you then have reported the assault?"

"I dunno, maybe," Amanda said finding it a little hard to breathe all of a sudden, "I fled the scene though. I showered. I got rid of my clothes. I did everything wrong."

Olivet watched her closely. The doctor's intense eyes bothering her as something seemed to grow inside of her, blocking off her breathing and the feeling to her hands and legs.

"I think I need to get out of here," Amanda whispered and tried to get up off the couch but her legs felt numb and wouldn't carry her.

"Please," Olivet said getting out on the edge of her chair holding out her arm like to prevent Amanda from leaving even though she was too far away to reach her.  
"Just sit back Amanda, we don't have to talk about this right now, not right now," Olivet said calmly having seen Amanda losing all color around her lips which along with the obvious lack of function to her extremities told Olivet she was having a physical reaction to whatever repressed trauma she'd sustained during the assault.

"Just breathe," Olivet said as Amanda stopped trying to get off the couch. The doctor got up and walked over to one corner of the room where she had a water cooler. She filled a glass for Amanda and came back over placing it in front of her on the table. Amanda felt if possible even more embarrassed but she really needed that water and reached for it as soon as the doctor backed away. Even though it was just water it hurt going down her pipe. The second time around it felt a little less painful to swallow and by the third try she could just enjoy the fresh feeling the water gave her.

"I'm sorry," Amanda mumbled when she placed the glass back on the table.  
"There's no need to apologize Amanda," Olivet said calmly. She gave Amanda another minute to just breathe but when she could tell Amanda was getting fidgety under her watchful eye she spoke again.

"So, your sleep problems," Olivet said, "are we talking insomnia or nightmares."  
"The latter," Amanda answered still feeling embarrassed about flipping out.  
"Okay, every night?" Olivet asked and Amanda nodded.

"Can you tell me about them? What you see and hear," Olivet asked. Amanda looked unwilling to share but then reluctantly told the doctor about the scenes of her nightmares, it was either a cramp place or a dark, narrow alley. About the voice echoing against the walls and the threat that she knew was lurking nearby but that she couldn't see. At times the walls had barred windows, like cages and she saw her sister behind the bars. Sometimes it was her mom or dad, her old squad, her captain, her new squad, all of them rattling the cages adding to the eerie feeling the voice already caused. She usually woke up before the threat got to her but at times she didn't. Olivet asked carefully what happened when the threat got to her but Amanda got agitated, stirring in her seat, churning her hands and biting the inside of her cheek. Olivet urged her to talk, said something profound about her being safe.

"I get raped okay, I get raped," Amanda's breathing was strained.  
"Did you get raped Amanda?" Olivet asked.

"Did the deputy chief rape you Amanda?" she clarified when Amanda just looked at her.  
"No," Amanda said distraught, "I told you no, he didn't."

"Okay," Olivet said to calm her down, "Okay, I had to ask Amanda but I believe you if you say no."  
"You didn't the first time," Amanda mumbled as she calmed down. Olivet was scribbling something down on her pad and didn't bite.

"Do you wake up screaming? Sweating?" Olivet asked instead and Amanda nodded.  
"Out of breath, and like I just want to cry," Amanda added.  
"And do you? Cry?"  
"What good would crying do?" Amanda mumbled.  
"Crying can be cleansing, sometimes you just need to get stuff out and if you can't talk about them then crying can be a start."

Amanda just looked at the doctor with doubtful eyes. She didn't want to cry, she'd done enough crying alone in the dark so that no one would see her weakness.

"You mentioned you were in a relationship, do you wake this person up too?" Olivet asked when Amanda stayed quiet. Amanda nodded.  
"When I'm at his place, I've started sleeping more at my place again just to let at least him sleep."

"Have you talked to him about the nightmares? Does he know why you feel you can't sleep next to him?"  
"He knows."  
"And what does he say about it?"  
"He's the one who said I had to go see you," Amanda said sounding a little timid.  
"I like him already," Olivet said and lured Amanda to smile at least briefly.

"Does he know _why_ you have nightmares?"  
"He knows about my sister."  
"But not the assault?" Olivet asked but Amanda stayed quiet, looking down on her hands in her lap.

"Is he someone you would be able to talk to about what happen?"  
"He's absolutely the person you can talk to," Amanda said without looking at the doctor, "I'm not that person though."

"Says who?" Olivet asked but Amanda just shrugged.  
"What do you think would happen if you told him what happen?"

Again Amanda just shrugged.

"Try to give me an answer Amanda. What do you think would happen if you told him about the assault?"  
"He would get angry at the creep but he'd be happy I told him," Amanda said quietly.

"And how do you think _you'd_ feel if you told him?"

The question made Amanda look up at the doctor with pensive eyes.

**He knew she'd** been at the doctor's office that afternoon and he hadn't expected to see or hear from her. He would've sent her a text later on but he didn't have to as she suddenly showed up at his door. He didn't ask if something was wrong since it was already written on her face. Her eyes were puffy in the morning or when she'd cried and since he knew she probably hadn't slept at the doctor's office or after it he figured their state right now were caused by tears.

Instead of debriefing her about the session he asked her if she was hungry and when she nodded he got a little more pasta on the stove. The protein just had to be sufficient enough for both of them since he didn't have any more but he got her to chop up a little more vegetables. He stole a kiss before they got started with the food and then he stole another one right before they sat down to eat.

She was unusually quiet during the meal but the silence weren't awkward. He could tell she was thoughtful and he enjoyed being able to eat a meal while just holding on to her hand. They watched some TV and when whatever was on lost their attention they started making out on the couch. She wasn't her eager self though but just let her hands stay above his waist and he didn't complain. He could stay locked to her mouth for all eternity, and to feel her that close, even with clothes on, made him feel like everything was alright in the world.

He figured they spent almost two hours on the couch making out before his phone interrupted them. They both threw a look at the watch on the TV, both realizing who was calling and Amanda pulled away so he could say good night to his daughter. This was one of those rare times though when he reluctantly reached for the phone. He wanted to talk to his daughter of course but he also didn't want to stop what they'd been doing for the last couple of hours.

He reached for his phone at the same time as he grabbed a hold of Amanda's ankle as she slid further away from him on the couch. He didn't want her to leave but he relaxed a little as she just seemed to slump back in the other corner of the couch. He left his hand on her foot as he answered the phone. He spent most of the call throwing glances Amanda's way feeling a little bad when his daughter had to repeat for a third time something she was trying to tell her dad.

Amanda could probably tell she was distracting him as she got up out of the couch and walked in to the kitchen. He figured it was a way to get him focused but it only made it worse since he was afraid she would leave his apartment. Zara of course asked about Amanda and wanted to talk to her once she learnt she was there. Nick wasted no time following Amanda in to the kitchen and he found her just sitting on one of the counters with her legs folded in front of her.

"She wants to talk to you," Nick whispered in case Amanda didn't feel up to it but she reached out to grab the phone from him.

"Hi Zara," she smiled in to the phone.  
"Amanda, hi," Zara said on the other line and sounded just as happy.

"Guess what?" Zara said.  
"What?"  
"I'm going to start guitar lessons this fall," Zara blurted out.  
"That's great, how fun," Amanda acknowledged since she could hear the girl was over the moon about this.  
"Yes, there's this…" Zara continued to tell her about who the teacher was and where the lessons would take place and that she would get to borrow a guitar until she knew if she wanted to continue or not cause then mom had told her she could get one of her own.

Amanda tried to acknowledge whatever Zara said but it got a little trickier as the kid's father did his best to distract her with his mouth slowly and as silently as possible explored her neck as his hands got a little up inside her top. She finally pushed him off her slightly, giving him a stern look to get him to realize he was a distraction. He smiled though letting his hands stay on her but he did let her neck be.

Once she'd told Zara that she could actually play the guitar pretty well, promised to help her practice some and said good night she handed the phone back over to him. Nick let his daughter talk some more but then said it was time for her to go to bed. Amanda got caught a little by surprised as Nick planted a wet one right on her mouth but got the explanation as he let her know that was a good night kiss from Zara. She could even hear the girl giggle through the phone and cursed her blushing cheeks a little as she tried to get away from Nick's smiling face as he'd obviously seen her blush and was now fingering her cheek.

"Okay, good night sweetheart, sweat dreams," he finally said and hung up. He caught her lips the moment he'd let the phone go on the counter and he pulled her out a little on the counter so he could get closer to her. His hands were on her back underneath the top and he fingered her bra strap a little.

"Will you stay the night," he mumbled in to her mouth wanting to know if he would get the pleasure to share a bed with her tonight or if she'd retract back to her place later on. When she didn't answer he let her mouth go to make sure everything was okay.

"Hey," he whispered pulling her face back up with a finger underneath her chin. She hadn't been herself all night and it wasn't necessarily a problem but he wouldn't except her shying away at a time when he was already having a hard time reading her.

"Can we just sleep?" she asked, her eyes still trying to shy away from him.  
"Of course," he said though and made it possible for her to look at him.

"Are you tired? Do you want to go to bed right now?" he asked and she nodded directly not having to put much time in to it since she felt bushed.

"Okay, let's get ready for bed then," he said grabbing on to her hand, helping her slide down from the counter top. He turned off the light before they left the kitchen and then she followed him around as he turned off the lights in the apartment. Still hand in hand he took her in to the bedroom, further in to the bathroom and then let her go so he could put toothpaste on her toothbrush that stood next to his. He even put it in underneath the water before he handed it to her and she smiled at him as she put it in her mouth. He fixed his own toothbrush and then they stood there just brushing their teeth in silence throwing each other a smile whenever they caught each other's eyes in the mirror.

Once they were done he let her have the bathroom for a while as he went out to pull the cover off the bed. He quickly change into a new pair of boxers and for once put another tee back on just to not show too much flesh now that they would only be sleeping. When she was done in the bathroom he went in and meanwhile she got one of his tees that he'd placed in her drawer so she'd have something to sleep in if she felt like it. She left her panties on and then crawled down between the sheets.

He found her curled up underneath the sheets when he walked out of the bathroom and he carefully climbed over her to his side of the bed and then laid down.

"Do you mind?" he asked as he scooted closer to her and only put his arm over her once she'd shook her head. He snuggled up to her and since any place next to her was comfortable he relaxed down quickly. She seemed relaxed too but he could tell from her breathing she wasn't falling asleep immediately. He found her hand and entwined his fingers with hers. He kept listening to her breathing until he drifted off to sleep.

**He wasn't sure** what time it was when he woke up but he knew she wasn't there in the bed next to him. When his hand reached out on the empty spot, dragging his palm up and down a little where her form had been last he'd seen her, he could feel the sheet was a little damp. He felt the pillow and thought he could feel the same slight dampness there as well. _Shit, she had a nightmare_, he thought to himself getting up on one elbow, angry that he hadn't woken up.

He got a little relieved as he saw her clothes still folded on the chair by the wall and he quickly got up off the bed. The bathroom was still so he walked out into the living room instead immediately spotting her at the dining table on a chair and with a glass of water in front of her. She'd put the light on in the corner so he easily picked up on her messy hair and her fingers fidgeting a little on the table and around the glass.

She spotted him walking over and tried a smile but he could tell she had to really make an effort to be able to produce something relating to a smile. He also had a little trouble smiling right now as he was very worried about her but he did his best and he planted a kiss on top of her messy hair before he took a seat opposite her.

She had a hard time looking at him and when she got the glass up to have some more water he could tell she was still shaky. When she put the glass down she took a deep breath.

"Do you…" she started, her voice barely a whisper but as the room, and the world outside, were completely still he had no problem hearing her.  
"Do you want to know what happen to me in Atlanta?" she asked, her eyes coming up underneath her bangs to meet his.

"Yes, if you want to tell me, I would really want to know," he said sliding his hand in underneath hers on the table. He just let his hand rest there, his fingertips just barely touching her palm. Her eyes had gone with his hand and he just waited for her to make a move or say something. She looked pale, her lips looked as though they'd lost almost all color. All he wanted to do was to hold her and tell her everything would be okay.

But he couldn't promise that. He couldn't promise her the moon and the stars until she was willing to receive them. Before she was ready to invite him in to that darkest part of her, before he knew what was prowling there he wouldn't be able to fix it or protect her from it.

When she finally wrapped her fingers around his hand he felt allowed to do the same and he held on to her hand like he wanted to hold on to all of her, with love and without doubt of his commitment to her. His heart almost stopped as her eyes came up to meet his again. Those eyes of hers could stop hearts from beating with their beauty. He pushed that to the side now though as he had to focus on what he hoped would come out of her mouth.

He watched her swallow. He watched her wet her lips and then clear her throat. He didn't make a sound. And then she nodded.

"I want to tell you," she whispered, "I want to tell you what happen to me…"


	13. Chapter 13

I'm sorry for the slight confusion I seemed to have caused in the previous chapter. All of this is about Atlanta and what happened before she transferred out. She did run in to this person during her latest visit and it brought up memories. There will be more about what happened in this chapter.  
I think that what happened in the car a while back was just one of many situations she's been in that just rinse off her. It's like when you've been through something really, really rough – for Amanda I'm not sure if it's what happened in Atlanta or something that happen in her childhood – but it changes you to the core and tilts normalcy to a point you allow injustice to happen to you without really reflecting on it.  
It's different for every survivor but this is how I chose to write Amanda. She didn't see the thing that happened to her in the car as an assault or a violation. Her fear was that someone would think she didn't do a good enough job, that she's not fit to protect herself and that image of herself is most important to maintain. No one can ever see her weak. So she brush things off, let them rinse off like water but of course they all leave small scars that, when the wound gets too deep will have to be dealt with.  
Being confronted with her deputy chief brought up the big scar caused by what happened before she transferred and if Nick hadn't been around it might have pushed her to gamble again or act out sexually towards strangers just to keep it contained. This time around though she had to confront it and by doing that I think she's grown a whole lot.  
I'm sorry I didn't explain it better in the previous chapter, I'll try and do better from now on.

As for this chapter – MAJOR SMUT WARNING! The belt scene has arrived (I'm sorry mom) and it's not the only smut in there so get pillows or whatever ready to cover those blushing cheeks.

Oh and pretend the conversation between Nick and his mother Cesaria is in Spanish. I started out just swapping some words out but then it started making no sense and I really wanted the meaning of that convo to come through, it was important for the story. So think Spanish ;)

Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 13**

* * *

The following week would be hard for him. He'd known something bad had happen to her and even though he realized it could've been worse it was still very painful for him to handle what she'd told him. He'd always had a hard time watching someone hurt the people he loved which probably originated from seeing his father hit his mother. Thankfully no one had ever hurt Maria or Zara but he'd seen his newfound son get handled badly and that hadn't sat well with him.

Knowing someone had hurt Amanda and also gotten away with it made him think about vengeance and revenge. He wanted so badly to punch this prick and it had been hard for him to keep the rage down as she told him her story. No, not story, the truth, the ugly reality of a man that abused his power and violated women for his own pleasure.

This man, deputy chief Austen Rigby, had a reputation within the Atlanta PD for treating women like crap. Any woman really but he seemed to have a real dislike for women in uniform, he didn't think women belonged in the police department. According to Amanda he wasn't the only one with this view but he was one of those that didn't do much to hide it.

He had numerous reports of slandering and inappropriate behavior towards female colleagues but since he had connections, his CO father was best buddies with the chief of police and several high ranking officers within the APD, he seemed to always get away with not even a slap on his fingers. Many women had transferred out or left the department all together to get away from him.

Nick had been fuming but done his best to hold himself together as Amanda told him about that night deputy chief Rigby caught her alone in a back room of a bar they hung out at a lot. Nick had to hide his fist under the table as he heard what names Rigby had called her and all the other crap he'd lashed out at her. His fist had eased a little but still been closed as he heard Amanda use all those clichés and self-blame that he'd heard so many victims use.

_She shouldn't have been back there on her own. Not when she knew he was in the bar drunk as a skunk. She'd been drinking too, she didn't watch her back. He'd sneaked in without her even noticing. So sloppy of her to let that happen._

Nick had felt her pain as she told him how she did try and get passed him but ended up physically manhandled. Clothes being ripped and skin bruised. Tears had been gathering in the corners of her eyes as she told him the ugly truth but she'd held them in, refused to cry or break down in front of him. He'd let her talk, get it all out, even the excuses and her efforts to downplay all of it. He felt it was important he heard them too, it made him understand her better even if he didn't agree.

It had been hard for him to hide his anger and slight frustration though as she tried to de-emphasize what really occurred. _It wasn't a big deal. He'd been drunk, she'd managed to fight her way out of there with not much harm done._ It was especially hard for him to hear it since she so obviously lied to herself. The truth was that she would've been a rape victim and not 'just' an assault victim if it wasn't for the fact Rigby gave up.

Yes he'd been drunk and that had saved her but not because she was able to overpower him but for the sheer luck, if you could call it that, that he ejaculated before he managed to get inside her. Her pants had been undone, she'd been only moments away off being raped by this vile creature.

Nick hated doing it but he could imagine how Rigby felt at that moment. He probably felt as though his manhood poured out the side of her leg and in that moment of defeat Amanda's swift kick to his groin had him down for the count and she'd been able to scramble her way to freedom.

He wouldn't take anything away from her, he could tell it was important for her to feel like she'd managed to fight her way out of there and if that's what she needed right now he wouldn't try to convince her otherwise. Not right then and there.

He'd felt a little sick to his stomach when she'd served him all of it, the whole dirty truth including how her captain had told her it was probably better for her career if she didn't report him. Not much had been said once all of it was out. He hadn't been sure what to say, if it was anything he really could say. So he'd just kept holding on to her hand, kissed the side of her head once he got up to make some tea for them before they tried to attempt some more sleep. They'd ended up on the couch and she'd fallen asleep quickly, curled up on his lap.

Sadness had crept up on him once he was the only one still awake in the dark room. Sad over the fact someone had hurt the one he loved. Sad that assaults like this happen to women in this country every other minute. Sad as he knew it was nothing he could do to make that scar of hers any less deep. But he could try and fill it with love and devotion, with words of encouragement and promises that he would always be there for her through anything. Nothing could ever scare him away and that she could always be truthful and honest with him.

He knew his love for her had not changed but he did feel a little scared, a little unsure how to handle her now that he knew. He'd worked special victims for three years now, met hundreds of victims by now and yet he felt totally unprepared for this.

_Was he allowed to touch her? Could they just go on like usual? What did he say to her? Could she ever get passed it?_

All these thoughts and emotions went round and round inside of him and he didn't get much sleep that night nor the following couple of nights. He wanted to make sure she got sleep, that no one bother her in her dreams from now on and he spent hours just watching her sleep.

**It hadn't** been easy for Amanda to tell him but it had lifted something strenuous that she realized had weighted her down more than she'd known and for the rest of that night she slept peaceful in his lap on the couch. It had felt a little awkward facing him in the morning, he'd looked as though he carried some of that weight she'd unloaded and it made her feel a little guilty. He'd reassured her though he was fine and just very appreciative that she'd trusted him with what happened.

She never wanted to be a damsel in distress but if she was honest it felt good to hear that he would always protect her and that she would never have to doubt his devotion to her. That voice in the back of her head that told her he wasn't honest, that he really felt disgusted with her, was only a tiny whisper now, not at all as strong as she was used to and that must mean something.

**They had an intense day** at work the following day and she was happy the case kept her busy so her mind didn't wander. It kept them late and since she didn't have time to check in with him during the day she was a little unsure whether or not he wanted her company that night. His answer had been '_of course_' but he'd looked a little indecisive but she hoped it was her own insecurities she read and not his. Either way she was so sleep deprived she fell asleep on the couch before he even had time to join her. He woke her up and coxed her to the bedroom where she fell back to sleep the second her head hit the pillow. Waking up in the morning she felt as though she'd never slept that well ever.

But the better she slept, the worse he seemed to sleep and she would get the answer why the third night as her sleep again was interrupted by a nightmare. This time her nightmare had been a little different than usual, no dark alley taken straight from any horror movie, no rattling of cages. This nightmare she found herself alone at the station in Atlanta. Every desk was empty, a phone rang in the distance but that wasn't what got her attention. Instead she found herself moving towards the one place she didn't want to go. Towards the spot where she'd run into him this last visit in Atlanta.

When down in Atlanta recently she'd just gone through Tucker's charges with Sam in his office and her old captain had managed to calm her down slightly. They were going to head out of there and back to the hospital but he had to check in with a few of his men before they could leave and she'd headed for the bathroom meanwhile. Walking back into the squad room she'd gotten distracted by a phone ringing behind her and she'd turned her head around just before the corner and managed to run right in to him. He'd grabbed a hold of her since she'd lost balance.

She hadn't been aware that it was him at first but she'd caught a sniff of his after shave and immediately known who was in front of her. He'd wore that same after shave that night years ago, and looking up she'd starred straight up in those unfriendly grey eyes of his. For a few seconds she hadn't been able to do anything, not even breath, but as it dawned on her he had her wrist in his hand she managed to roughly pull it back.

"Don't touch me," she'd hissed.

Rigby had shied back slightly.

"Still as feisty as ever," he'd said unimpressed and she'd wanted to punch him but her entire body was paralyzed.  
"I guess New York hasn't taught you any manners on how to address superiors," he'd said and grinned before he walked away.

She'd felt like such a fool, she'd tried to prepare for the moment she would see him again and this wasn't how it had played out in her mind. In her mind she hadn't been weak, not again. She'd been able to stand up to him and now in her nightmare she prepared herself to do just that.

Walking around the corner she didn't bump in to him though, she bumped in to herself and she looked scared. So very scared. And they were no longer at the station, they were in that back room of the bar. Even though she didn't want to she fought herself, they struggled back and forth until she could feel his presence. She felt his hand on her shoulder and all she wanted to do was scream but she couldn't.

She woke up with that scream still stuck down her throat and she met familiar kind brown eyes the moment hers popped open.

"You're okay, you're safe," he whispered. She saw the concern in his eyes, he was propped up on one elbow by her side. She managed to inhale and when she let the air out again it hitched up in her throat. She felt like crying but at the same time not.

"You're safe Amanda," he whispered again and her eyes came back to meet his again. They made her feel calmer and the next breathe wasn't as strained as the first one. As she relaxed slightly she got some sensation back in her body and she could feel herself holding on to something. When her eyes went looking for her hand she found herself holding his wrist in a tight grip. She withdrew her nails from his skin with a gasp.

"I'm sorry," she whispered quickly.  
"It's okay, don't worry about it," he said just as quickly and his hand went up her arm, passed the shoulder he'd previously shaken a little to get her to wake up from her nightmare and all the way up to her cheek that he fondly cupped.

"I didn't mean to," she said apologetic feeling tears now escape her eyes.  
"It's okay Amanda," he said reassuring, placing a kiss on her forehead and then immediately pulling back. He stroke her cheek as she fought to collect herself. She watched him meanwhile. It didn't look as though he'd slept at all.

"You don't have to watch me," she whispered.  
"I'm not," he said, answering a little too quickly to fully convince her.  
"You can't protect me always," she whispered hoping she wouldn't hurt his feelings.  
"I can try to," he answered. His answer warmed her heart and she knew he was the one that made her feel safe again. But she couldn't let him destroy himself in the process.  
"You won't be able to do that if you don't sleep."

He seemed to take a moment to think about her words but then he nodded. He stroke a piece of her bangs to the side and gave her a smile before he turned over to turn off the light on his bed stand. Just as he did that he felt her arms wrap around his torso and when he lay down she scooted her entire body right next to him, spooning him for a change. He felt her lips on his neck right at the hem of his tee and he placed his hand above hers as he tried to relax. He'd thought falling asleep would be hard but her calm breathing and heartbeat managed to lull him to sleep quickly.

**Liv spotted the marks** her nails had done on his wrist the following day. They were at his desk at the time and he briefly met Amanda's terrified eyes before he pulled down his sleeve and gave Liv a reassuring smile and told her it was nothing. When Liv said it didn't look like nothing he said it had just happened bringing one of the suspects in earlier. Fin shot him a confused look, he'd been with him as they brought the guy in and he couldn't remember that happening. He knew when to keep quiet though and caught the top of his partner's blonde head before he went back to his own.

Amanda felt really guilty for the marks she'd left of him following her nightmare. She worried what else she was capable off. _Could she hit him? Could she strangle him?_ She'd seen that happen on TV. They'd all been victims though, suffering from some serious PTSD. That wasn't her. _But did he see her like that?_ He hadn't really touched her since she told him. _Didn't he want to touch her like that ever again?_

All those questions and insecurities stayed with her throughout the day and were with her in the car riding over to his place. Usually he drove ahead home while she stayed to pick up food but tonight he stopped along with her. She peeked at him through the corner of her eye, he was keeping his distance. He did know she didn't like any type of public affection but usually he tried to get away with something like a brief touch or steal a small kiss but nothing tonight.

"What?" he asked smiling at her. She must've gotten stuck a little in her thoughts and he'd caught her looking. She smiled back shaking her head a little.  
"Sure?" he asked and she nodded. Not a single touch. Not even a slight finger on her cheek or a hand on her arm. _Why wasn't he touching her?_

A little later at his apartment no one said anything as they ate. She wasn't really aware of the fact he was quiet as well since her head was still full of questions and worries. _Didn't he love her any longer? Why did she always have to screw things up? _

He could tell she was absentminded. Usually she was the one talking non-stop, about a case or something she'd read or seen on TV. She was never boring to be around. She wasn't boring to be around now either, he could spend a night just watching her and he'd be satisfied. Right now he couldn't stand even losing her out of sight. Having to leave the squad room without her and not being able to make sure she was safe bothered him immensely right now.

He knew it was because of what he'd learnt and he hoped it would ease up as time passed. He wasn't sure she could stand him fussing over her. She was already throwing funny looks his way. He wanted to talk some more with her about what she'd been through but he feared it was too soon and he feared his questions would make her regret ever telling him in the first place. He also knew she didn't like getting flowers or gifts, or so she'd stated but he hadn't really tried that out. He had something for her right now, it wasn't really a gift so he hoped she wouldn't take offence.

"So the food was really good," he said to get her attention.  
"Yeah, that's kinda why we pick up from there like all the time," she said making a face at him.  
"You saying we're getting like an old married couple?" he said and winked at her when she gave him a look.  
"No, I'm just saying we both got good taste," she countered and as usual she had him beat. But he did have his ace and he pulled it out of his pocket now.

"I had this made for you," he said placing the key in front of her. She looked at the key for a while and then looked back up at him with raised eyebrows.  
"Just so you can let yourself in in case I'm not here," he said shrugging casually turning his attention back to the little food that was left on his plate. Her eyes went back to the key and after a while she dared to finger it a little. There was a keychain on it and she had a closer look.

"Den?" she said reading what was on the keychain. He shrugged a little again.  
"It was by the cashier, I was thinking _love den_ but now I kind of wish I hadn't put it on there," he said. Her raised eyebrows asked him why.

"I want you to think of this place as your second home, not just as a place we... shack up at," he said and smiled when she folded her eyes down. Always so shy when it came to matters of the heart.

"I can think of worse places than a love den as a home," she said running her fork through the rest of her food. He chuckled slightly but quiet down as he heard her fork drop. He wasn't really sure what to think as he watched her get up off her chair, he had been a little afraid the key would get her running. But she didn't, instead she stepped over to him and he leaned back as she climbed over his lap. He was a little unsure where to place his hands as she sat down on top of him and they ended up hovering near her waist.

Her hands snaked around his neck and she closed in on his mouth slowly. She felt insecure which was rare when it came to this. His hesitation didn't make it easier. His hands were missing, something she hadn't experienced before. His tongue was pending, not biting when her tongue tried to engage it. She let go of his neck with one of her hands and traced it down his arm. When she found his hand she brought it in to her own body, helped it find its way up inside her top. He still didn't take charge so she brought it up to her breast and helped him squeeze it. She moaned in to his mouth. She felt his other hand land on her hip and she scooted in closer to him so she could start to roll her hips over his crotch. Not even that seemed to work though and the second she let his hand go it dropped from her breast.

Her mouth left his so fast it made a noise as they parted.

"You can't even touch me," she whispered pulling back but he grabbed a hold of her before she was able to leave his lap. He wasn't sure what to say and just tried to catch her eyes as he held on to her. Once he got a look at them they were filled with tears and he let go of her arm to instead grab a hold of her face and he brought her in so he could hug her. She didn't struggle at all and just fell down against his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her tight and they just sat there for a couple of minutes. Her body didn't shiver with sobs but he could feel a slight dampness on the fabric over his shoulder.

"You're right," he whispered after a while, swiping his hands up and down her back, "not about not being able to touch you but… how to."  
"Nothing has changed," she mumbled against his shoulder. He took a deep breath.  
"You're right again, I still love you just as much," he said placing a kiss on the side of her head. He took a few seconds to try and sort his jumbled head out but then added;  
"And because I love you I don't want to enable you to… well to swipe what happen under the rug. You need to deal with this Amanda."

"How do you know I haven't dealt with it already," she said against his shoulder sounding a bit obstinate.  
"Your nightmares," he quickly responded, "and you get, please don't take this the wrong way Amanda but you get… eager when you try to… smooth something over. And I usually have zero ability to say no to you," he couldn't hide a slight amusement from his voice but then got serious quickly, "but when it comes to this I can't… I can't risk harming you even more."

"I'm not harmed, I wasn't harmed…" she said coming out from hiding against his shoulder. He got his hands on her face, swiping his thumbs underneath her eyes to wipe away the tears. He looked at her seriously.  
"But you were Amanda, there's no way around it," he said slowly, cautious for any signs of her firewalls kicking in. She only shook her head though, and just slightly.

"But he didn't break me," she said.  
"He sure didn't," he agreed stroking her cheek.  
"Will you let him break _us_?" she asked and his eyebrows crumbled.

"If you can't touch me this won't work."  
"With time…" he tried but she interrupted him.  
"We… _I_ don't have time, I need you to touch me right now or he _will_ break me. I need _your_ touch Nick."

He really hoped it was his touch she needed and just not anyone's. _He wanted to be her one and only but what was he ready to do to keep her? _

"I tell you what," he said stroking her cheek, "if you promise me to… to really deal with this, see doctor Olivet, talk to her, talk to _me_, and then I'll touch you all night long if you want me to."

He had a little trouble reading her face.

"But do you _want_ to touch me?" she asked cautiously.  
"There's nothing else I want to do," he smiled.

"But you can't just touch me you know, you have to mean it, you know I don't do delicate."  
"Oh I've seen you do delicate as well," he said smiling kindly at her.

"But I need assertive right now, you can't handle me with care."  
"Why can't I handle you with care?" he asked stroking a strand of her hair behind her ear as he watched her.

"You can't be hesitant," she said.  
"Why can't I?" he asked but she seemed unsure what to answer.

"Maybe that's a sign it's too soon…" he tried but she shook her head.  
"It's in the past, it should've stayed there. Please just love me like you used to," she said sounding a bit desperate.

"Amanda, nothing's changed about my love for you. I just don't want you to push it."  
"I'm not… pushing it, we haven't had sex in _three_ days," she said raising her eyebrow at him and he had to chuckle slightly.  
"I guess that is a rather long hiatus for us," he smiled. They threw a pair of long looks at each other before she started to close in on his mouth again. He shied away though.

"Promise me…" he said. She looked confused.  
"Promise me you'll see doctor Olivet again, that you won't just move away from this without dealing with it," he requested and she nodded.

"I'm going to hold you to that," he said before he leaned in to capture her mouth with his. Their tongues quickly started to play around each other and his hands went in underneath her top, palms moving around over her back. They made out for a while, he'd fingered her bra strap for a while but now he finally opened it up. One of his hands came around underneath the bra and he cupped her breast, his thumb circling her nipple making her moan in to his mouth. He let her breast go so he could get his hands back and around her ass. He found his footing and then got them both up off the chair. He moved them slowly towards his bedroom never losing touch with her mouth.

Once in the bedroom he took his time before he let her down on the bed. He kept moving slowly, carefully pushing her down on the bed trying to stay connected to her mouth the entire time. He discharged her of her top and bra both at once and let go of her mouth briefly to pull the garments over her head. She got grabbing at his shirt but he redirected her hands back down on the bed, letting his fingers slowly run up her arms as his mouth started working on her neck. He made sure his mouth covered every inch of her throat as his fingers kept moving up and down her arms. Every now and then he had to push her hands back down on the bed but he made sure he never forced her to keep them there. He took a bite of her collarbone as he worked his way further down her chest. He used his lips and tongue to perk up her nipple again and then moved over to the other one.

Her hands had once again come up off the bed and the way she grabbed a hold of the back of his hair made him feel like she wanted his attention. He looked back up at her and immediately got an uneasy feeling in his gut as he spotted the pools of tears in each corner of her eyes. He quickly got back up, placing his elbow on the bed next to her so he could roll off her slightly.

"No, no," she whispered though grabbing hold around his face.  
"I want you inside me," she added, "I _need_ you inside me."

"Are you sure about this," he asked worryingly not able to shake the uneasy feeling in his gut. She tried a smile but it got interrupted by one of the pools in her eyes leaking and she annoyingly wiped the tears away from the side of her face as she nodded as convincingly as she were able to. He leaned over her slightly and placed a kiss where her tears had just fallen.

"Are you really sure," he asked once he came back up to meet his eyes, "or just 'I have to do this cause I have something to prove to myself' sure?"

He ended that with a smile and she smiled back while biting her lower lip slightly. It made him have to lean down and kiss that seductive lip of hers that along with the upper one made for one inviting mouth that was hard to stay away from.

"I'm really sure," she whispered once they locked eyes again. He knew nagging bothered her but he really needed to know this was okay for her so he raised his eyebrows slightly, adding a few nods and she remunerated the nods.

"You want to get on top?" he suggested but she quickly shook her head.

She could tell he was still reluctant and she appreciated him for it but she really needed him to get going now so she helped him along by pulling up the tee she'd tried to get off him for a while now. He let her swipe it up and then made it possible to get it over his head. He felt the desperation in her hands as they moved over his bare back and came around over the parts of his front that she could get a hold of. But there was something more than desperation there, some need to feel him and see him and he started to feel a little better as he started to understand this in some way was therapeutic for her.

He leaned down and kissed her as she started on his pants. He let his hand swipe over her breasts, teasing her nipples slightly. When her hand went down inside his pants he tried to stay calm, he didn't want to get overly excited tonight and he just focus on the good sensations with her mouth attached to his and her hand rubbing up and down his member.

After a while he started to hitch down his pants and he made her let go off him as he rolled off her for a while to shed them altogether. Her hand waited eagerly for him on the bed but he stayed out of her reach, getting up on his knees by her legs as he slowly started to pull her pants down. She lifted up her hip to help him along and as soon as he'd pulled the pants off her she spread her legs reaching her hands out in the air to get him to get there sooner.

He was still not totally convinced this was the best remedy for her right now but he also knew he had to trust her. If she said this was what she needed, and nothing in her body language contradicted that now that the tears in her eyes had dried up, he had to trust her. He lay down carefully between her legs. He was erected enough to enter her but he stayed outside for a while just rubbing himself against her as his hands went up and down her body and their mouths met again.

She got her knees up higher on each side of him and he could feel her hips move up against him to egg him on. He still took his time though, he needed to feel she was ready or he wouldn't be able to enjoy this. Everything told him though this was what she really needed. Her body was warm, her cheeks flustered and lips kissed swollen. She was making small but pleasurable sounds in to his mouth, her nails were digging in slightly in his back and he could feel the moist from within her.

He connected with her eyes one more time and then let her hand go down between them so she could guide him inside of herself. She moaned deeply and her eyes rolled back her head slightly as he entered her. He just stayed still inside of her though until he had her eyes again. Her breathing was deep and the warm air that came out of her mouth caressed his chin and neck.

While still connected to her eyes he withdrew and then slowly made his way up inside of her again. She didn't shy away with her eyes but just tried to stay there in the moment. Soon though her hands couldn't help but go down to his hips and then grabbing on to his butt cheeks she urged him to go faster. He lowered himself over her again, capturing her mouth as he picked up speed.

For the rest of the night they indulged themselves with what felt like remedy for both of them. She showed no inhibitions and he enjoyed every single moment with her. From that slow and steady first orgasm to the much rougher one later on. From his single ones to the many his mouth and fingers then had the ability to reward her with. He had no idea sex could be this rewarding and the best part was seeing her soar. Austen Rigby hadn't broken her, she was strong and vital and he would make sure she always stayed like that.

Later that night as he listened to her fall asleep in his arms he made a vow to himself, and to her, that he would make sure she made good on her promise. He would do his best on his end to heal whatever scar Rigby had left in her but he knew she needed a professional as well and what little he'd learnt about this doctor Olivet he really liked. He realized working with Amanda couldn't be the easiest task but he had faith this doctor was the right woman for the job.

**She did see** doctor Olivet again the following week. He would only have to remind her once about the promise she'd made. Amanda didn't like to admit that the doctor had been right, but she did feel better now that she'd let someone share her burden. Olivet tried to get her to talk about what had happen but Amanda wasn't interested in unloading her burden on anyone else. Nick knowing was bad enough, she didn't want anyone else to know.

Olivet would really have to work for her money but since she liked a challenge she was up for it. Her persistence would pay off in the end. It would take a few sessions, a few months, but then finally Amanda gave her the entire recap of what happen that night in Atlanta a few years back and Olivet were able to fit the small pieces she'd already gotten into the bigger picture. Even though Amanda at first didn't want to see the impact the assault had on her Olivet slowly and gently enlightened her and could then help her on the road she was already travelling, the one towards healing.

**Amanda went back down** to Atlanta after Kim had spent about a month in prison. It correlated with one of Zara's weekends at Nicks and both of them would miss her. He got though that she wanted to make sure her sister settled in all right at the prison. He'd overheard a phone call with her mother a while ago and he'd picked up on Amanda's strained voice and her frustration over the fact her mom, who'd visited Kim in jail every week, just couldn't tell her how she seemed. He wasn't sure what her mom's problem was but he just figured there had to be one.

Kim had called her several times this past month. Usually when her sister had checked in in the past it was relieving to Amanda since she then at least knew her sister was still alive. Now it was rather hard to feel joy when every phone call started with a cold and mechanical voice asking her if she would accept a call from an inmate at Lee Arrendale state prison.

But she was happy her sister called and she felt obligated to accept the calls even if she was out on a crime scene since she knew her sister only had so many opportunities to make phone calls. It was hard listening to her cry though and every call consisted of at least a handful of tears. The first call had been nothing but tears, from both sides. Amanda had learnt to stay strong though, to be as supportive and uplifting as possible during the few minutes they got to talk.

It was with mixed feelings she flew back down to Atlanta. She wanted to see her sister but she would stay as far away from the APD station as possible, no more run-ins with Rigby until she felt totally prepared.

Sam had insisted that she stayed at his place and not a motel this time around. She'd tried to convince him she would be fine at a motel since she worried it would be awkward but he wouldn't take no as an answer. He picked her up at the airport and drove her straight out to the prison. From the airport and out it took about an hour and a half but she figured it would take about an hour from his place. A drive she would do both Saturday and Sunday a car Sam would borrow her.

Friday night though he sat outside while she went in to see Kim. She'd never liked going inside prisons. It had nothing to do with the inmates, it was more the feeling of being trapped. The total loss of freedom and independence. If it was one thing Amanda didn't think she could hack it was prison. Back when Murphy, well before she knew him as Murphy, had threaten her that she would go to jail it had been the worst possible scenario. That and being shamed in front of her squad. It had been so horrifying she'd even contemplated doing a sexual favor to get out of it.

She swallowed hard and had to vice up as she entered the facility. It was classified as 'close security' and it housed female inmates on death row as well as regular inmates. Even though she was greeted nicely the welcoming couldn't take away from the hostile feeling the many locked doors, armed guards and thick cement walls elicited. She was led into a smaller room with two bared windows and one wall made out of armed glass so the guards outside could keep an eye on them.

It didn't take long until Kim showed up, looking as pale as her beige jumpsuit and wearing handcuffs. The guard removed the restraints and Amanda heard him tell them to keep their hands visible at all times as the two sisters hugged. Amanda didn't want to let go of her sister and it felt as Kim didn't want to either. After a while they managed to though and they sat down at the table, Amanda urging Kim to put her hands on the table not only to keep the guard out but also so she could hold on to them.

Kim actually seemed good. Her meds seemed to have kicked in and she gave a much more sober impression than she had a month ago. When Amanda commented on her paleness Kim just said they only had like an hour a day out in the yard. She also mentioned not being allowed to use make-up as well as the food being crap and that combined with some sleepless nights, well you just didn't look your best.

Amanda quizzed her a little more about the daily routine on the inside, if her bunk mate was still treating her okay and if there was anything else she wanted in the care packages she sent every week. Kim seemed fine though, all she really craved these days were smokes and the weekly dose of People magazine Amanda provided for her.

They didn't have much time but Amanda said she would be back both Saturday and Sunday and that they would have more time then. Even if she knew she would see her sister in the morning it broke her heart seeing her being led away in handcuffs. Sam could tell she was upset when she got back out and he didn't say much on the ride back to town. He'd planned to make dinner for her tonight since they were having dinner out tomorrow with the rest of the gang, her old squad really wanted to see her.

Since his divorce Sam had a house to himself in one of the suburbs to Atlanta. His son was away in college but even before that the room he'd prepared for him stood mostly empty and now he'd arranged it for his weekend guest. He made sure Amanda found what she needed to take a shower and then he left her to go prepare dinner. He missed his young detective, she was still young but she'd been so very young back then. Alert, willing to learn and just ready to dive in to whatever was given to her. Her sometimes hyper personality had been their biggest issue at first, he'd worried about her safety and just worked a lot on her boundaries and getting her to get one thought in before she jumped the gun. She'd picked it up after about a year and after that he never worried about her out on a job and she was his most trusted detective.

Outside work though he kept worrying. He knew she didn't have the best upbringing, at least that was the assumption he got from knowing her father's record and running in to her mom a few times as well. Her sister had a juvie record that extended to adulthood but would've been more severe if it wasn't for her sister's connection within the department. But it wasn't just her family that threaten her well-being. Amanda was in many ways her own biggest enemy.

If there was such a thing as a type A or B personality, or maybe more so two sides of the personality spectrum then Amanda surely leaned more towards A. She was very driven, focused and diligent but to the point she overdid it at times. She was always doing something and always got passionate about the task at hand. Her career was surely the center of her life and the rare times she couldn't solve a case, or any kind of problem, it stressed her out to no extent.

After he'd really gotten to know her, which wasn't until she'd started to trust him, he learnt she always had a plan for the worst-case scenario. Behind that crime-solving, efficient and brilliant mind lured something really dark and constantly suspicious. He also knew she could get very emotional but she did her best to hide that. She saw her own emotions as a weakness and she'd do almost anything to hide and protect them.

He'd missed her terrible after she'd transferred out and even though he of course didn't like the fact her sister was behind bars he saw the benefit since it meant having Amanda visit more often.

He'd heard the bathroom door open and then the guest room door open and close again so he figured she was done with her shower and he got in to the final preparations for dinner. He knew she liked his cooking and he was really looking forward sitting down with her and not with the distraction of the rest of the squad.

"Smells divine," she said coming down the hall.  
"Yeah?" Sam smiled but froze slightly as he lay eyes on her and his gut flipped over. Fresh out of the shower, her hair still wet and her cheeks rosy. Even in a plain tee and sweats she looked stunning.

"Pay your dues by setting the table will you?" he said and she walked over to the table. She got an uneasy feeling in her pit as she spotted the plates, cloth napkins and the candle he'd put out on the table. She got flashbacks to that one dinner Nick had tried to serve her way back when she was still just in it for the sex. Damn, it almost felt like years ago but it was just a couple of months really.

She put out the plates and napkins but pushed the candle a little to the side before she went in to join him in the kitchen to find more utensils. She found he'd put out most of the stuff on a counter already, thankfully no more candles though. She shot him a brief smile before she headed back out.

"You want beer or wine?" he asked, raising his voice from the kitchen.  
"Beer?" she said walking back in.  
"Fridge," Sam let her know, "got more brands in the garage if you can't find one you like."

"This one'll work," she said, "you?"  
"Yeah, grab one of those for me too," he said smiling since she was holding on to his favorite brand. She did have good taste.

"You almost done?" she asked placing his beer by his side once she'd opened it.  
"Hungry much," he joked taking a slug of his beer, "yeah it will be done soon."

His smile got a little wider as he saw her jump up on his counter and put the bottle to her lips.

"This place has really gotten a long since I saw it last," she said looking around a little. She really liked houses like this with an open floor plan. Not many corners for any trespassers to hide behind and it was really easy to get to the door in case of emergency.

"You think? Thanks, yeah I've been taking some time to actually set it up as a home. I guess it is a little big for just me though."

She was grateful she had her head turned away from him cause she figured he would've caught her frown if not. She'd felt this could get awkward even though she knew he would stop anything the moment she said no, the problem was she didn't like to say no, especially not to people she admired.

"Did I mention I'm seeing someone?" she said trying to just slip it by in passing.  
"No?" she said once she looked over at him and caught him looking at her with raised eyebrows, "well I'm sorta am."

"Sorta? Is it serious?" he asked knowing her history of casual hookups. She tried to find a simple response but came up blank.  
"It is," he blurted out as he caught her hesitation, "gosh Rollins, this is one for the stars."

He tried to sound happy about it but the truth was his inside hurt slightly. Thankfully cooking made him able to distract himself a bit.

"Shut up," she said but knew her blushing cheeks gave her away.  
"Damn. Amanda. That's great, really. I'm happy for you," he said and it was not a lie. He wanted nothing but happiness for her, if it was one person deserving some good coming her way it was certainly Amanda.

"It's… a bit complicated," she said trying to downplay it a little even if it was the truth as well.  
"Why complicated?" he asked.  
"Well… he's a… a detective as well," she admitted a bit shamefully.  
"Okay," Sam just responded calmly but was a bit surprised, "well tonight is full of surprises. So he's a cop, what happen to your number one rule?"

He was referring to her list of rules for the men she hooked up with and that she'd shared with him during one drunken night many years ago. There weren't many rules on that list so he remembered them well. It was basically not a cop, no mouth piercings and he needed to wear shoes. He couldn't remember how the shoe rule had come about but finding a guy without shoes in a bar in Atlanta was rather hard so she stuck to that one. He'd seen her break the piercing rule though so he wasn't sure if it was still on the list but the one rule she was tenacious about was the no cop one. The one he wished she would've broken for his sake but never had.

"I know, I'm pitiful."  
"Oh don't be too hard on yourself. If he treats you right it's worth breaking rules for," he said to make her feel better, "Does he? Treat you right?"

He'd stopped what he was doing and focused all his attention on her.

"Yeah, yes he does," she said convincing.  
"I'm really glad for you Amanda," he said going back to getting the food ready to serve.

"Ready to eat?" he asked.  
"Since yesterday," she sighed jumping off the counter to help him carry some of the food to the table.

Even though he'd hoped the dinner would've gone a little different, he let the candle stay unlit for one, he really enjoyed just hanging out with her like the good old days. She could always make him laugh and tonight, even with the concern for her sister and the prison visit fresh in mind, was no different.

They ended up on the couch a little later with yet another beer attached to their hands. She'd planted herself in one corner, getting her legs up underneath her quickly and he'd parked himself on the other end just to not get tempted. He could tell she was a little drained, she'd hoped a plane after putting in almost a full day of work back in NY, made a round-trip all the way out to Alto to pay her sister, a surely emotional, visit. He didn't blame her for being tired.

She hadn't said anything for a while but he could tell the TV didn't really have her attention either.

"Why did you push me to _not_ report it?" she asked catching him a little off guard.  
"What?" he asked even though he was rather sure what she was talking about.

By now her hair had dried and since her bangs were a little too long they fell down over her eyes giving her something to hide a little behind.

"You said it wasn't worth pursuing and I know you gave me reasons why I shouldn't but why would you do that?"

He cleared his throat a little as he sat up a little straighter. He'd turned his eyes down briefly but when he looked back up she was still watching him from underneath her bangs.

"That's one of the things I most regret. It's right up there next to not making sure I had a better relationship with my son."

This wasn't easy for him to admit and Amanda could tell. She wasn't angry at him, maybe a little bit but she did love him dearly.

"I was wrong. I mean just by the bruises…" he went quiet as he saw her turn her head down. The last thing he wanted was to make her feel uncomfortable but he also needed to explain himself now that she'd finally brought it up again. He'd lost courage many times in the past when he tried to. She brushed the hair out of her eyes as she came back up and she tried to blink away the tears that annoyingly prickled her eyes. She took a swig of her beer to strengthen herself.

"Just by the bruises you let me see we could've charged him and I so wished I'd pushed for that. I really have no excuse for how I acted Amanda. I didn't do my job and as your captain I should've had your back. Not a single day goes by without me seeing him and just wishing I'd acted differently. Gotten you justice."

"No lasting harm no foul," she said trying to brush it over slightly. When he kept staring at her though she got uncomfortable quickly and took another swig of her beer.  
"But it did harm you Amanda. I saw it back then, I even added to it when I told you to not report him, and I know he's the reason you're so reluctant to step back inside the station if even for a minute. He still scares you and…"

"He doesn't scare me," she said making a face but then had some more beer to swallow down the acid coming up her throat.  
"Of course he doesn't," Sam said just to make her able to keep up the illusion.

"I should've helped you put him behind bars though. That gritter should be behind bars," he said after giving her a moment to collect herself.  
"Damn right he should," she said trying to sound cocky as she grinned but she failed a little with both. She had some beer and turned her attention to the TV even though she had no idea what was on.

No one said anything for a while.

"It's not too late you know," she suddenly said managing to again catch him by surprise. He threw her a look of confusion as he wasn't following.  
"To have a good relationship with your son," she said smiling slightly, "you should give him a call. I'm sure he'd like to hear from you."

He nodded a few times at her, he really appreciated it.

"Now you mean?" he asked though when she raised her eyebrow at him.  
"Now yeah," she said, "sees the moment."  
"Sees the moment? Don't tell me you've gone all Zen on me up there," he teased.  
"Zen? Have you been holding out on me Sam?" she countered right back. Sam chuckled before he finished the rest of his beer. She'd turned her attention back at the TV but he kept looking at her, of course not straight at her though, never straight at her. Her words kept going around his head as he watched her.

"It's Friday night though? I'm sure he's at some party," Sam said shaking his head a little.  
"Or maybe he's not and would be happy to hear from you?" she suggested. Sam thought about it for a while but then got his ass out of the couch. Amanda smiled as she watched him go in search for his phone. She scooted down a little in the couch, yawning as she tried to get a grip on what in the world she was watching on TV.

When Sam walked back in after a rather long talk to his son, who'd been at home after working all day at his summer job and just as Amanda had expected very happy to hear from his dad. When he walked back in to the living room he found her sound asleep and he saved his carpet from getting stained by beer as he removed the bottle from her hand. He dared to brush some fine strands of hair out of her face and then just watched her for a while. He thought about carrying her to the guest room but after having scrutinized himself and admitted that would only be for his own benefit he instead just put her arm up on the couch and then draped her with a blanket. He turned the TV off, stole a few more glances and then leaned down to place a soft kiss on her hair.

"I'm sorry Amanda," he whispered, his guilt still riding him and he had a feeling he would forever regret not taking down deputy chief Austen Rigby when he had a chance. What Amanda didn't know was that Sam had a little talk with Rigby about two months after the assault.

When Rigby felt safe that Amanda wouldn't talk he'd started getting vulgar, more than usual that was. He could belittle her in front of the others and he took every chance he got to dig at her. It was something that had gone down before as well but it got a little more frequent now and what bothered Sam most was that Amanda stopped biting back. Never once did she launch back or try and defend herself. She just took it and that was not like her. Rigby was suppressing her little by little and Sam started to worry he would assault her again and this time he would succeed if Amanda was frail enough. So he had a little talk to him, he might have used a fist or two as well. It was about time Rigby got to hear a truth or several.

At that point Sam didn't care about the consequences, what repercussions it could have on his career. As long as Amanda was safe he would be okay. But neither the talk nor the fist worked for long and soon he was back to his old tricks and Sam saw Amanda start to diminish again. Sam knew then that he had to get her out of there for her own good, Rigby would not destroy one of the best detectives he'd ever come across. Just a month later Amanda was packing up her stuff and moving to New York. It had been bitter sweet for Sam.

Sam took one last look at Amanda sleeping on his couch and then made himself leave her alone. He let some lights on to give her a chance to recognize where she was in case she woke up during the night. He made sure both the front and back door was locked and then made his way to his bedroom.

He found her still sleeping on the couch as he woke up in the morning before work. He'd promised to wake her up before he left but it sorted itself out as she woke up from the coffee smell coming from the kitchen. He wouldn't have mind hanging out with her that morning but he knew she wanted to leave for Alto and her sister. He would have to settle with seeing her later that night and he handed her his car keys telling him to spare his shocks. It was a dig to the many cars she'd ruined by her inclination for off-road driving. She gave him a playful smirk that ended up in a big yawn and Sam chuckled as he headed out the door.

**Amanda drove up** to Alto in time for visiting hours. She got to stand in line with mothers, some fathers, many husbands, boyfriends and kids. She was grateful to Sam who'd used his connections to give her some special privileges and Amanda got to spend some time out in a yard with Kim. Away from any bared room, handcuffs and guards it made it a little easier to try and pretend they were somewhere else.

When it was time to leave Kim started crying though, begging her to not leave her there. Amanda couldn't do much more than try and just comfort her by saying she would be back tomorrow again. She managed to keep herself together until she closed the car door behind her but then she broke down sobbing violently. Every attempt to pull herself together failed and she pushed the back mirror away to avoid seeing her own ugly, tear drenched face.

By now she was alone out in the parking lot but she didn't feel steady enough to drive yet and she started fingering her phone a little. It was lunch time, he would probably be eating with Zara somewhere and she shouldn't disturb them. She put the phone down several times but then she just felt forced to dial and she pressed the phone to her ear just to not hang up.

"Hey," Nick answered, the smile on his face audible in his voice.  
"Hi," she managed to whisper.  
"You… you okay?" he asked a little hesitant and she could hear him moving away from a bunch of background voices.  
"Yeah," she croaked, piping down quickly to not give away what state she really was in.  
"Did you see your sister?" he asked. They'd texted last night so he knew the brief visit yesterday had gone well, or at least that's what she'd written, but he'd figured she sooner or later would get hit with the fact her sister was behind bars.

"You with Zara?" she asked instead managing to keep her voice rather balanced. He didn't answer immediately as he tried to figure out what was going on.  
"Yeah, yes," he then said quickly realizing she might be in need of some distraction, "we're in Central park, at one of the playgrounds. She found some kid to play with but I'm going to have to pull her soon so we can get some lunch."

There was a silent pause.

"She misses you, so do I," he said.  
"Amanda?" he asked when it sounded as the line went dead. Amanda had just covered the speaker though, fearing a sob was about to sneak up her throat.  
"I'm here," she said once she could rely on her voice again.  
"I miss you too," she added but then had to turn her head away again.

"The visit with your sister, was it rough?" he dared to ask when he could hear her disappeared. He heard a sound that he interpreted as an acknowledgement.  
"What can I do?" he asked.  
"Nothing, there's nothing any one of us can do," she said sounding defeated.  
"What can I do for _you_ Amanda?" he asked since that had been his meaning, "You want me to come down?"

He could hear her huff on the other line.

"I would. Me and Zara could fly down, she would drop this playground acquaintance in an instance."

He heard her chuckle slightly and it brought a smile on his face. He caught Zara waving at him from the top of slide and he waved back.

"You want us to come?" he asked and he was being serious.  
"No, I'm fine. I'll be home tomorrow," she said with a low voice.  
"Can we pick you up at the airport then? What time do you arrive?"  
"Not until really late."  
"Maybe you can bump the flight?"  
"I dunno," she sighed, "if there's a chance I can visit longer…"  
"Of course," he said not wanting to add more pressure on her, "but just know we'll pick you up if you want to. If it's late, just text. She can sleep in the backseat, no problem."

She stayed quiet and he felt a little torn seeing his daughter drag her toe in the sand apparently abandoned by her playmate.

"I need to head out…" he said reluctantly.  
"Yeah of course," she said quickly.  
"What are you doing tonight?" he asked.  
"Dinner with the guys, a few beers," she let him know.  
"Sounds good," he said even though he much rather be the one she spent time with tonight.  
"Yeah," she agreed sounding a bit hesitant.

"If you get a chance please call me. Once she's in bed I'll be all alone and I'd love to spend time on the phone with you," he said and then added quickly, "To talk," just so she knew his mind hadn't been dirty.  
"I can't promise…" she said.  
"No, only if you get the chance," he said and then they said good bye.

To his surprise she would call. Once she managed to put the car in gear she took some back roads to Loganville to see if her mom was home. Her mom knew she was in town to visit Kim but they'd made no arrangements to meet each other. Part of her had wished her mom wasn't home but she was and Amanda forced herself to sit through a, for the most parts, silent and awkward lunch.

If anything good came out of the meet it was that her mom at least seemed grateful to get a break from visiting the prison. She'd made two runs out every week since Kim landed there and her mom seemed to appreciate the short break. Her mom expressing some slight guilt about Kim being in jail made it possible for Amanda to connect slightly with her mom and she ended up staying a little longer than planned.

Once back at Sam's she took a little nap, feeling a little drained after both visits. She was woken by her phone and a call from Sam letting her know where and when tonight. She took a quick shower, got in a new set of clothes and then decided to walk in to town. The walk did her good, it took about an hour and she passed some familiar sites that she found herself actually missing. Atlanta wasn't grand as New York but it did have its highlights.

Seeing her squad brighten her up even more and several times she caught herself actually forgetting the reason she was in town. No one mentioned Kim, they were all aware of the situation and the past. They stayed to lighter subjects and of course Sam had tattled that she was in a relationship, thankfully leaving out the part about it being a cop though, and she wouldn't hear the end of it. It was all good fun though and she found herself actually not disliking hearing all the 'ball and chain' jokes coming her way.

Some of the guys booed Sam when he said it was time to call it a night. He knew though that Amanda wanted an early night to be fresh in the morning for the ride out to Alto so he took the boos for her. Everyone demanded hugs and Amanda let them know they'd be seeing more of her from now on, she had after all a jailhouse sister to pay visits to for at least two years to come. Someone dared to make a joke that it was about time that sister of hers did some good and he meant by bringing Amanda to town more often. She knew him well and took it the right way.

Sam left his car by the bar and got them a cab instead since he'd had a few too many beers. He was his usual chatterbox as they rode back to his place and then he crashed as soon as she helped him down on his bed. She made him as comfortable as possible but then exited his bedroom quickly, she had someone she really wanted to call. They talked for a long time that night. Zara was tucked in and both of them were in need of company. She wanted to hear about his and Zara's day. Once that subject was tapped out he did ask her if she was in need of some dirty talk but she courteously swayed from it. He figured having her captain next doors maybe made that a little awkward, he sort of hoped that was the reason anyway.

He got a little surprised when she told him she'd been out to see her mom. Last he heard she wasn't planning to. He tried to not be too nosey but she didn't seem to mind him asking about it. Then he got to hear some of what had been said during the night with the boys. She seemed to have had a good night. The bartender had recognized her she let him know, and not in the bad way.

He got happy, and a little proud honestly, when he learnt she'd told Sam that she was seeing someone. And he'd laughed when he heard the digs her former squad had aimed at her, all in good fun of course. He told her that now she just had to bring him next time but she said she wasn't sure she wanted to subject him to that. He said he could hack it and then didn't push any more. He knew he would talk her into bringing him next time around.

**She texted him** the next day letting him know she would be flying in late and there was no need to come pick her up, they'd just see each other at the station come Monday. He was a little disappointed but again didn't want to add any more stress on her and just texted she could call however late it got if she felt like it. She never did call but he was happy to see her looking rather refreshed back in the station the following morning.

"You sure it's not an act?" he asked her quietly as they stood rather close together at the coffee machine.  
"I'm sure, I'm actually fine," she said not taking offence he was concerned about her after visiting her sister in jail.  
"Yesterday's visit went a little better, she's made some friends, she's clean, if she just stays out of trouble all this might actually straighten her out some," she said taking the cup of coffee he'd fixed for her adding a thanks.  
"Maybe I should've let her land in jail years ago," she said making a face as he had his cup too and they walked back to their desks.

"It's normal to want to protect your loved ones," he said and was about to say something more when Liv interrupted them by stepping out of her office. They both immediately parted and went to their separate desks as Liv checked in with both of them, understandably paying a little more time with Amanda as she knew she'd been to visit her sister but Liv also had time to get the briefing on how Zara was doing. Nick had to give it to her, Liv was really starting to get a hang on how this being a good boss worked.

They had loads of paper works and a court date later this week to prepare for and it kept them at their desks most of the morning. Nick couldn't help but throw Amanda yearning looks though. She had her pen between her lips most of the time and she kept making these long, deep sighs that made funny things happen in his pants. He managed to catch her eyes after a while and after have made sure Fin's head was down and Liv was still in her office he gestured with his head down the corridor.

She threw him a funny look not really getting what he wanted but it got obvious he wanted her to follow him as he started to walk down the corridor. She stayed put a few seconds trying to make sure her partner's focus was still in the file before him. He was taking the stand in two days' time and she knew how nervous he got about that even though he didn't want to admit it. If she knew him right he was studying the case hard to really know his stuff up on the stand.

When she was sure he hadn't noticed Nick's exit she casually got up off her chair and then made her way passed Liv's office unseen. She spotted him a little further down the hall and walked up to him while making sure no one was around.

"What?" she asked a little concerned as she worried something had happen. He looked so apprehensive. They were right outside the door to the bunks and he grabbed a hold of her arm and more or less pushed them inside. Once he'd made sure the room was empty he close to slammed the door shut, put his back to it to make sure it stayed closed and then pulled her in to him immediately capturing her mouth.

She tried to stay a step away from him and mumbled something in to his mouth but she melted quickly and then just fell in to his arms and his mouth. They kissed passionately for minutes, her one hand digging around in his hair as the other one dug its nails in to his side. He also had one hand in her hair, his fingers underneath the rubber band in her ponytail as he tried to get her even deeper in to his mouth. His other hand snaked around her waist but soon started to go down her ass, his fingers wanting access between her legs and the warmth he felt radiating through her jeans.

She started mumbling again though, getting her hands on his chest trying to separate herself from him slightly. He reluctantly let her go but was happy to see the same reluctance on her face.

"We… can't…, not… here," she said in-between quick peeks on his mouth and slight bites on his lips.  
"No one's getting in here though," he said quickly, grabbing her by her hair to push her back into his mouth. He moved his leg so it ended up between her legs and used his other hand to push her up against him. She moaned deeply in to his mouth egging him on and her fingers dug in to his chest.

A loud knock on the door interrupted them and Amanda quickly pulled away as Nick let her go. She got a little amused by the frighten look on his face and she had to cover her mouth to not start laughing. He shot her a stern look that almost got her laughing even harder but as she saw him straighten his clothes out she realized she should be doing the same.

"Yeah?" Nick asked through the door when the person outside knocked again.  
"It's Fin, it's safe," the voice came from the other side of the door and even though Fin kept his voice low they both picked up on the amusement in his voice.

Nick shot Amanda a quick look and then opened the door. Fin eyed him quickly and then let his eyes move over to Amanda and gave her a quick survey.

"You kids okay?" Fin asked amused and now he got a stern look from Nick who was still a little rattled.  
"Don't give me that look, I saved your asses, Liv's looking for you," Fin said giving him a matter of fact look.  
"I just can't take my eyes off you two," Fin added though before he turned to walk back out. Amanda bit her lip as she walked out before Nick.

"Your hair," she heard him whisper behind her and she quickly straighten her ponytail and then swiped a few lose strands behind her ears at the same time as she tried to swipe away some of the nerves still lingering.

First chance he got, when no one else was present, he apologized to her and promised to never do that again but the look she gave him was a little bit iffy. He figured he knew why though, there was a certain thrill to making out in forbidden places. It made him wonder what other places there could be and since the thought never really left his head for the rest of the day he was very horny as they left the station.

He was so aroused he even talked her in to leaving her car in the lot for the night just so he could get his hand on her during the drive to his place. His hand was down the inside of her thigh before they reached the first red light.

"Mind the traffic," she said but she couldn't pretend she didn't want his touch. She'd wanted him since the short make-out session in the bunks and now his hand just couldn't get close enough through the fabric in her pants. A car honked behind them though and he had to focus back on traffic. He kept his hand there though and she moaned when he started moving it closer to her core again.

At the next red light she got her hand on him and her eyes grew wider as she felt his already erect state.

"I want you so bad," he whispered and leaned in for a kiss. She quickly got her lips on his and her tongue came out to greet his and they had time for a few laps around each other before, again, a car honked as the light had turned green. She removed her hand not wanting to cause recklessness in the busy afternoon traffic.

"You want to stop for food?" she managed to ask with barely a breath as she enjoyed feeling him rub his hand up against her.  
"Hell no," he answered making her eyes pop back open. She gave him an amused look.  
"I can scramble something together later, right now all I hunger for is you."  
"Smooth," she giggled.  
"I'm a real Don Juan," he said making her giggle even more.

He had trouble keeping his eyes on the traffic and leaned over demanding a kiss even though they were moving. She provided him with one quickly to get his eyes back on the road. He could be eager too but she was used to being the most zealous one. Tonight though he really chased her up the stairs and she didn't complain. He caught a bite of her neck as she used her own key to get in to his apartment.

As soon as the door was open he wasted no time but let his hands go down her groin as he pushed her face first in to the opposite wall. He shoved the door shut with his foot as he kept biting down into her neck. She moaned loudly as both his hands went down in-between her legs. He let her go suddenly and then spun her around rather roughly. It just made her more excited though and she moaned again as his teeth bit down on her neck vein. He slipped off her jacket without her even noticing as his mouth on her neck was enchanting. He shed his jacket just as quickly and then got started on her pants. She tried to help out with his pants but only managed to open up his belt before he cut in as he seemed to think she was too slow. She started chuckling a little, with a mix of amusement and excitement at his eagerness.

He pushed his pants down on his hips and then did the same with hers before he grabbed a hold of her legs and helped her get up around his hips. He quickly pushed himself up inside of her and she gasped, trying to get a grip on the wall behind her to steady herself but when she failed to find one she grabbed on to his shoulders as he again crashed up inside of her this time even more forceful. She gasped with every new thrust that seemed to get harder and harder. She was right on that edge between pleasure and pain but she trusted him to not breach it and enjoyed every minute of it.

All the built up arousal made it hard for him to hold back and once he was inside of her he lost a little control of himself. It felt as though he couldn't pump her hard enough, like he couldn't get far enough inside of her to scratch that itch he had to get rid of. He had one hand around her leg and the other one up on the wall to the side of her head. His mouth was right by her neck, breathing strained and there was a low, deep growl coming up from deep within him. As the sensation almost got too much to handle he bit down on her collarbone but he tried to ease up as he heard her whimper and felt her brace herself against him.

Her back had been bouncing up against the wall with every new thrust but now he got into such a frenzy she never came off the wall and a few seconds later he screamed out along with his release as he finally were able to climb that crest he had to fight so hard to reach tonight. He had her so tight against the wall he could feel she had trouble breathing and as soon as he was able to he came down from the top of his toes and gave her some space to breath.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled as soon as he could, keeping her on his hips but slipping out of her.  
"I didn't mean to… be so rough," he managed to say as he stroke away some lose strands around her face that had gotten stuck in the light coat of sweat that covered her.  
"It's okay," she whispered still out of breath.

"I didn't hurt you?" he asked worryingly playing a little with her lips, not wanting to fully grasp them with his since her breathing was still strained. She shook her head.  
"Never. I liked it," she added, "I like when you take charge like that."  
"Oh I think you like just as much to be the one in charge," he smiled making bolder attacks on her lips.  
"Nothing wrong with mixing it up," she smiled back as he let her come down on her feet.

"Man that was intense," he whispered staying close to her but leaning his forehead against the wall next to her.  
"How about…" she started and he got his head off the wall as he felt her finger the rim of his pants that had been shaving against her butt and back of her legs through their session. When she had his attention though she got her hands on his belt buckle and she slowly started to pull the belt out of the hoops.

"...we make it even more intense?" she finally finished her sentence and his eyes got a little bigger as she got the entire belt in her hand and grabbed a hold of it with her other hand as well.

"Are you sure?" he asked feeling excitement growing in his pit again but he worried restraints weren't a good idea because of what he'd learn merely a month ago. She nodded evidently though, no hesitation in her eyes as she looked at him.

"I like the idea… of you tying me up…" her voice had gotten deeper and with that sultry tone that he was sure could melt ice blocks.

"You've done that before?" he asked fingering the belt in her hands. He got surprised though as he caught her shaking her head.  
"No?" he asked not able to hide his surprise. She shoved him slightly.  
"There are things I haven't experienced," she said but wasn't able to sound as offended as she had wanted to act. He smiled though, he didn't mind one bit it would be the first time for her as well.

"I mean I've used my cuffs… on guys before," she admitted not looking as she was so proud of the fact but still couldn't keep some cheekiness out of her voice.  
"I've just never let them use them on me… I guess it's a trust… thing, or issue I don't know, I've just never felt comfortable being restrained like that," she got a little blush on her cheeks.

"But you trust me," he said, it wasn't a question. She nodded slightly and then punched his chest a little at the big grin he got. He leaned in and gave her mouth a soft kiss.

"Should we have a safe word?" he asked abruptly, letting go of her mouth.  
"A safe word?" she asked amused.  
"Yeah you know when…"  
"I know what a safe word is used for but are you thinking we'll engage in edgeplaying?" she asked and he raised his eyebrow at her not really following.

"Are you planning to manhandle me? Maul me?"  
"No, never…"  
"Never?" she asked pouting her lips at him and he had to chuckle. He kissed her briefly.

"I just want you to feel safe, and with the belt… I just want you to have a way out, in case…" he left it at that hoping she would get his reasoning.  
"How about lawsuit?" she asked and again he raised his eyebrows.  
"As our safe word? _Lawsuit_, it's not like it would come up spontaneously right?"

"That's a perfect word," he said giving her another kiss. She hitched up her pants a little so she could move towards the bedroom. He did the same and followed her. Watching her play with his belt in her hands stirred up a bit of mixed emotions inside of him, there were nervousness, a bit of insecurity and a whole lot of excitement going down in his gut.

"What if you gag me though?" she asked as they made their way to the bedroom.  
"What?" he asked a bit unfocused as the belt in her hands and the tingling inside had most of his attention.  
"If you muzzle me, then the safe word doesn't work," she pondered, "or if we choke play, it…"

"Sometimes your mind worries me," he said grabbing on to her from behind and cutting her off. He pulled a deep breath with his nose deep down in to her ponytail as his hands snaked around her.  
"You love my dirty mind," she countered.  
"I do," he admitted letting go of her just as abruptly.

They'd reached the bedroom and she turned around to face him.

"So how do you want me?" she asked, slapping the end of the belt against the palm of her hand. The sound it made had repercussions in his body as he felt a ripple of tingles roaming through his body.  
"Any way you want," he said not wanting to put her in a position she didn't want to be in.  
"No, I need you to tell me how you want me," she challenged. He looked her over, tried to find a shred of insecurity but couldn't.

"Okay, the safe word is lawsuit," he reminded her, "and I want that belt."

He held out his hand and she placed the belt across his palm. He raised his eyebrow pleasingly and liked the fact her face broke in to a smile.

"Strip," he said softly, "shed every piece of clothing but your panties and get on the bed."  
"Yes, sir," she teased and got going by sliding her top over her head.

He watched her remove her garments as he started to shed his own clothes. She saw that he was watching and put up a little show as pieces started to drop. He couldn't help but chuckle a few times and he had a little trouble removing his own clothes as she distracted him. She sat down on the bed and started to slowly shed her socks and he was amazed at her being able to make that sexy but she sure did. When she was done she seductively crawled backwards up on the bed wearing only a pair of lace thong panties. He couldn't believe his luck that she was wearing a pair of his favorite thongs from her wardrobe. That light pink color matched her skin so perfectly his mouth started to water up to the point he could drool if he didn't watch himself.

"I'm ready for you sir," she smiled as she removed the rubber band in her hair and tossed it away. She ran her hands up through her hair and lay down so it fell all over the bed. He felt the tingle between his legs but he wanted this to be about her and he left his boxers on as he got rid of everything else. He'd managed to hold on to the belt as he got rid of his own clothing and now he climbed up on his knee on the bed beside her. She sat back up, looking very eager and he could see her nipples perking up all on their own.

Her facial expression was a little hard to read, it could be numerous of feelings. Excitement, fear, delight, eagerness, anxiety. He wasn't sure and he let the hand with the belt fall down to the bed as he let the other one trace up the side of her leg and then all the way up to her face as he leaned in to give her a kiss. She opened up her mouth letting him inside and the kiss got passionately quickly. Her hand came up to rest on his chest as his hand dropped down her shoulder and down her back. He wasn't sure where her other hand was until he felt it grab a hold of his hand with the belt. He let her mouth go feeling her bring their hands up between them.

There was no question now what feeling was displayed on her face, it was pure desire. She put her hands together, linking her wrists and she held them up towards him. She stirred a little on the bed, excitement and eagerness roaming through her body just as in his.

He kissed her one more time before he put the tip of the belt back in the buckle. He thread the noose over her hands, brought the belt down to her wrists and then carefully started tightening it. They were both watching the belt but every now and then their eyes met with brief glances, anticipation displayed in boths eyes. Of course her wrists were smaller than his waist and he forced the prong down in to the soft leather almost to the point it broke through.

He'd gotten a little eager doing this and he watched her face to make sure it wasn't too tight. He was salivating a lot and had to swallow hard as he watched her. _Damn this was sexy_ he thought to himself and felt his head spin slightly as she bit down on her lower lip.

He grabbed a hold of the piece of the belt hanging down and he had to admit there was a great thrill to having that control over such a beautiful woman. Beautiful and very naked it dawned on him and he wondered why he was wasting time.

"Move further up," he whispered. She somehow managed to get further up on the bed without needing the use of her hands. He climbed over her, straddling her legs once she'd gone far enough. He moved her hands up, aimed the belt towards the headboard and made her fall back on her back by doing so. He pulled the belt around one of the many wooden posts that his headboard consisted of and she made it easier by folding her fingers around the wood giving him more length to tie a knot with. He tugged at the belt a little to make sure it would hold. When he was sure he let his hands run down her arms and they landed in her armpits.

He watched her face where it laid on the bed between her extended arms as his hands went down further. He traced the slight bulge on each side of her chest with the lightest touch. She shivered under his touch and he saw her gasp for air right before his eyes went down over her bare chest. He loved her ivory skin and those perfectly shaped nipples on top of those breasts that seemed made to fit his hands.

He slowly let his fingers run up the side of her chest, made a few turns around her breasts as he watched her chest rise and fall with every harsh breath. When he looked back up at her she had her lip in a tight grip between her teeth and the wish was evident in her eyes so his fingers came up around her nipples. The hard knobs were not hard to find even without looking, he wanted to see the pleasure on her face before he could watch himself where the pleasure originated from.

Her hips had started rolling up against him so he planted himself a little firmer on top of her, separating his legs a little further, sinking deeper in to her, depriving her from even more mobility. Feeling his erection against her made her fall out of breath for a few seconds. She felt as though she could orgasm right there and then just of the anticipation of what was to come.

He followed his own fingers down her torso, her ribs protruding with every deep breath and he traced every rib with his lightest touch. Her breathing was so deep once he reached her bellybutton it felt as though he could touch the bed through her. He already knew she was mesmerizing but this was certainly taking it to another level.

He felt the tremor through his palm as he had it flat against her stomach and he looked up meeting her eyes. She'd let her lip go, seemed in need to keep her mouth slightly open to be able to breathe. She looked very pale and he got a little concern. He gave her a nod and he got one back which reassured him everything was okay. He watched her as his hands moved up her body again. He put a little more pressure on his touch this time around and he felt the quiver as he reached her breasts and as her prickled nipples moved between his fingers.

He leaned down over her and she came up a little from the pillow meeting his lips as they went after hers. Her warm breath filled his mouth the moment he captured her mouth with his own. His tongue quickly found hers, fighting him for dominance but he only had to squeeze her nipples slightly to get her to back off. He used his mouth to push her head down in to the pillow, his hands on her breasts kept her body in place and now that he eased some pressure off her hips to rub himself against her he placed his feet and ankles over her thighs to keep her in place.

She moaned in to his mouth. There was so much sensation going on inside her and all over her skin she had a hard time coping. As though he could sense it he let her mouth go and let her breathe for a while as he let his hands go up her arms, grasp her hands around the bed post for a while only to slowly make their way down her arms again. All while he watched her with that intense dark gaze of his.

His fingertips moved softly around her armpits for a while before they went down over her breasts again. Even his soft handling of her hard nipples had her whimpering slightly so he added pressure, pinched them and all while he watched the pleasure play out over her entire face.

He captured her mouth one more time before he started his slow descend down her body, using his lips and tongue to evoke sensation on every inch he covered. He stopped by her breasts, spending some time teasing those nipples of hers, biting, sucking, fondling as much for his own pleasure as for hers.

Once he let them go he left them wet and the cool air in the room had them prickling long after his departure. He left a wet trail down her stomach as well, taking small bites of her flesh whenever he felt an urge to. He'd moved down straddling her legs now and his mouth had reached her panties. He fingered the sides of them slightly but left them in place, trailing kisses and bites along their laced hem. He moved to sit inside her legs, used his hands, his entire palms pressed up against her thighs to push her legs apart. His mouth stayed only an inch above her core, he breathed hot air over her, pulled a deep breathe to fill his nasal cavity with the scent of her. The sight and scent had him hypnotized for a while and he had to fight hard to not just dig his mouth in to her straight away.

She tried to push up against his palms but he kept her in place. He heard the belt tug at the bed post and when he looked up he caught the arousing sight of her spine pressed in to the bed and her face painted with sexual despair. She was far from pale now, her cheeks and lips colored in a deep shade of red, her bangs again caught in a slight coat of sweat over her forehead.

He moved down to one of her thighs, his initial touch making her squirm. He used his lips, teeth and tongue on her one thigh and then moved over to the other one. When he had her moaning loudly he continued even further down south, placed kisses all the way down to her foot. Well there he sat up grabbing a hold of it and he kissed the bottom of her foot as he kept his eyes on her face. He knew she was ticklish there and teased her slightly.

Her leg was restless as he swiped his hands up along it as he kept holding on to it. Her skin was always so soft and as he recalled how good it always smelled too he got his nose right up to it and inhaled deeply. He placed her foot on his shoulder, his hands caressing her thigh as he kept watching her, every now and then placing kisses by her knee.

"I'm going to strip you now," he whispered as loud as his voice was able to. The anticipation on her face was roaming through his body as well.  
"I'm going to put my mouth on you," he said placing a soft kiss on her skin almost feeling how it crawled under his lips or maybe it was his own shivering he felt.  
"I'm going to put my mouth on you, use my tongue, my teeth… until you come. But I won't stop then, I'm going to continue, my mouth, my fingers, until I've drained you completely and then… then I might stop."

Her head felt completely blank. All she heard was his words and she feared they would set her on fire since she was already so hot. She felt so flustered she was unable to speak but her inside kept screaming 'get started, get started'. The sensation between her legs started to get increasingly unbearable and she tried squeezing her legs together to get some relief.

He grabbed a hold of her calf as her leg tried to sneak away from him and his hand went down the inside of her leg to just about an inch from her panties. He stopped there, let his nails dig in to her skin a little and then pulled the hand back up again.

"Are you ready?" he asked and it didn't even take her a second to nod.  
"Are you sure?" he teased and she whimpered slightly.

He felt a little bad for torturing her and started nibbling on her skin. He let her leg down, lowering himself as well so his mouth could keep moving further down. He let his hands go in underneath her and come up by each side of her where he grabbed a hold of her panties. He'd wanted to take his time but his own eagerness to taste her got him to quickly sweep the panties off her.

He had to hold her down as he placed himself between her legs. He placed a few kisses around her mound but then separated her folds with his tongue and captured her clit between his lips when he reached it. He put some suction on it making her moan and squirm underneath him. He used his tongue on it but then went about an inch south so he could stick his tongue inside her licking up some of that appetizing taste of hers. It made her hips come up off the bed making his mouth go deeper inside her since he didn't budge.

"Lawsuit," she mumbled and once she found her voice she rambled the word a few times. It took a second for him to register but then his head popped up quickly. He looked up but her face was hidden behind one of her arms. He wiped his mouth quickly and then scrambled up to her head ending up on all four above her.

"You okay?" he asked out of breath, worried since he'd still not been able to connect with her eyes, "I'll let you lose."  
"No, no, no," she panted as she faced him.  
"No?" he asked stopping what he was doing but not letting go of the belt yet.  
"No," she said trying to shake her head to really relay the message to him.

"Just let me… let me breathe," she whispered with a slight smile on her face. She felt embarrassed, for not being able to cope with the sensation when it was all really wanted.  
"You need to breathe," he echoed not really sure what was going on yet. He stayed on all four over her. He could tell she had some trouble breathing as well as meeting his eyes. She kept deflecting them from his.

"Are you sure you don't want me to let you lose?" he asked needing to make sure. She finally faced him straight on and then shook her head.  
"This is just all… very… intense," she said trying to shake the embarrassment. She knew she didn't have to feel shy around him.  
"It certainly is," he agreed.

"I didn't think it would be so…"  
"Intense," he said helping her out and she chuckled slightly as she nodded. He placed a kiss on her arm as he got down on his elbows to get closer to her but still staying off her so she could catch her breath. His fingers played softly behind her shoulders.

"Better?" he asked after a while and she nodded. His eyes asked for permission to lie back down on top of her and she gave him another nod. He placed another kiss on her arm and stroke away some hair from her face.

"You know," he said softly, "I think we choose a crackpot safe word."

She gave him a puzzled look.

"Whenever someone says lawsuit at work from now on I'm going to get a hard on," he said and she started chuckling.

"Let me get you lose," he whispered stroking her cheek.  
"No, please don't," she said, "I'm sorry, I just… intense, breathing. I really wanna do this. I'm ready now."

"First off, never apologize," he said giving her an intense look and then eased up as he continued; "let's call this a safe word test round and how about… I take my boxers off and I stay right here for a bit. Okay?"

She nodded wearing a shy smile.

"But I am going down on you later, with or without belt," he said winking at her as he wriggled his boxers off.

She put her feet up as he lay back down, giving him some more room between her legs. He stayed outside of her though, started kissing her again instead, let his fingers go up and down her arms to get them back in the mood. He made sure she was aroused again before he got inside of her. He'd stayed erected so he didn't need much to get going again. He took it slow at first, his aim was still to make this all about her and he knew she needed time in this position which he didn't mind at all, he had all night.

When she was almost at the edge he picked up speed and just a few minutes later they came together. She seemed to have lost all inhibitions now and this time when he went down on her she was able to fully enjoy it and just as promised he did his best to drain her out using both his mouth and fingers. As usual though her desire was hard to quench so he released the belt from the bed post but kept the noose around her wrists as he flipped her over. He grabbed the lose end and used it to keep her down on the bed as he entered her from behind and easily made her come another few times.

He was just as drained when he finally let her hands lose and let the belt drop to the floor beside the bed. He grabbed a hold of her and pulled her up on top of him as he wasn't ready to lose touch with her skin yet. He let her know she could use the belt on him next time and she said she would hold him to that.

They were both drained but not ready to fall asleep yet. She withdrew a little from him, complaining he was sweaty and that gave him the opportunity to act a little offended so he could tease a little with her. He loved their banter and had a feeling she liked it too. She ended up resting her head on his stomach lying crossway from him and he played with her hair as they kept talking for a while. As usual they got in to weird conversation subjects.

"His what?" he asked chuckling making her head bounce a little on his stomach.  
"His fuck face," she repeated, "I mean I'm sure he uses some of his lines. He'd be all like... oh no I don't even want to think about it."

She made a disgusted noise at the end of the sentence and he felt her dramatic quiver.

"Can you imagine having that hovering over you," she added.  
"Okay I usually don't imagine having sex with other guys but I get your drift," he smiled. He let his fingers go down her bare shoulder and arm as far as he reached.

"Do I have a fuck face?" he asked a bit curiously turning slightly towards her. She looked up at him and got a ambiguous look upon her face.  
"I do? C'mon tell me," he said poking her side. She chuckled shying away from his poking a little.  
"Oh, it's not so bad. You're actually kind of cute," she said facing him again.  
"Ahh," he said leaning down to kiss her.

"What about mine?" she asked when he let her go.  
"I don't know," he said trying to think back at the many times he'd watched her face as they made love, "I mean you try and shy away most of the time," he leaned in and bit down playfully on her arm, "Your cheeks get rosy, your eyes like half squinting," he tried to copy her and got rewarded a light punch at his chest.

"And your mouths open, if you don't bite down on your lip, and you pant," he tried to copy her again.  
"Hey watch it, you might not see my fuck face again if you keep that up," she threaten playfully.  
"Don't say that," he pouted, grabbed a hold of her and pulled her up to the pillow next to him, "I'd miss it terribly."

She made an amused sound and then yawned loudly.

"So what's the worst fuck face you've seen?" he asked curiously laying down next to her.  
"You really want to know?" she asked knowing his jealous side.  
"Was it that bad?" he asked amused as he popped his head back up.

"Yeah it was," she chuckled, remembering back a few years, "I picked him up at a bar in Atlanta, a real cowboy. I mean he was very… manly. Boots, jeans, plaid shirt. He was tall, well-built…"  
"Okay watch it," he joked but was a little sincere too.  
"Well he was anything but manly in bed. Turned out he wasn't that well-built for one," she said shooting him a look and he looked very pleased by learning this.

"He insisted on being on top and he made these funny little noises and his face was like crumbled… like a squirrel or something," she said as her entire face tried to mimic how he'd looked. Nick chuckled.  
"I just tried to shut my eyes but it just couldn't be over fast enough. I mean I've seen many funny ones but I can take the panting and the looking like they've run a marathon faces but anyone that remind me of a rodent is a no."

He let his hand go in underneath the sheet and he rubbed his palm over her stomach.

"So you won't miss it?" he asked and she gave him a confused look.  
"You do know you'll never see any other fuck face but mine from now on until you die," he said like it was the fact.  
"Oh really?" she challenged and he immediately reacted. He got up on his knees, straddled her and caught her wrists pushing them down in to the mattress.

"Really," he said.  
"Says who?" she said stirring a bit underneath him. He rearranged his grip on her hands and entwined his fingers with hers.  
"Says I, your boyfriend, your lover, your one and only," he said making her chuckle. He was being sincere though and he leaned down and captured her mouth. His tongue massaged her softly for a while but then he let her go so he could look at her.

"I don't want you to ever be with anyone but me," he said seriously.  
"Not even a threesome?" she asked cheekily.  
"I'm serious," he said looking a little hurt.

She'd stopped her lighthearted struggling underneath him and met his apprehensive look. He let her hands go and just caressed her palms and wrists gently. She could sense his sensitive mood and she caught him by surprise as she overpowered him and swopped places with him so she straddled him instead.

"Don't you worry," she said laying down over him, "I'm not going anywhere else. I'm perfectly satisfied right here."

His hands went up her bare back and his entire body overflowed with happiness as their lips met. They both went to sleep happy and satisfied that night which started to be the normal state for both of them.

**Barba's big case** had started. Fin had taken the stand yesterday, Amanda had just stepped down and Nick was taking her place right after the recess. The two of them were waiting outside in the hall. Liv had just taken off since the day was getting late and she had to make it back to the station before she could close shop for the day. She'd asked Amanda to keep him company and Amanda played it cool and said it was no problem. Nick seemed a little distressed now that they were alone though. He frowned as he checked his phone.

"What?" Amanda asked sensing something was up.  
"This is dragging out too long…" Nick sighed.

Amanda wasn't really sure what to say to that and just raised her eyebrows. It wasn't like they all knew court could suck. Nick spotted the look she gave him and smiled. He fingered her sleeve a little but pulled back as she looked around a little anxious to make sure no one was watching them. He took a few steps over to a corner and she followed him.

"It's my mom, I'm supposed to pick her up at the hospital. I told you her blood pressure's been a little high and she's been having those chest pains so they'd been running tests on her today. She knows I'm in court though and she promised she would take a cab if I couldn't get there but knowing her…" Nick said with a slight sigh, "she'll probably save money by taking the bus instead."

"What if I go?" Amanda jumped in quickly. Nick shot her a look.  
"You'd do that?"  
"I got a car," she said shrugging, "and I'm not stuck in court like some people."

He felt an overwhelming gratitude and for a moment he forgot where they were and leaned in to kiss her. Amanda shied away though and they both looked around a bit anxiously. She'd placed a fingernail between her teeth which looked awfully cute.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I would be forever grateful though."  
"Hm, I'll remember that," she said looking around a little. She spotted Barba further down the hall and she straighten up a little. She couldn't help but smile though as her eyes came back to meet Nick's. He had a cheeky smile across his face.

"You're going to make me be your slave for a night?" he asked arching his eyebrows, "Whip me?"

She let out a chuckle but wised up quickly.

"I thought this was about your mom horndog," she said whispering that last part, "Can I get the destination and directions on what to do?"

He smiled and gave her the address of the hospital his mom was at. The nurse had told him that she was supposed to be off her feet for the rest of the day so if she would just help her lie down on the bed or couch he'd be there to take care of the rest later on.

"And just so you know," she said stopping as she was about to head out, "behind closed doors I always have you whipped."

She smiled as she walked away hearing him chuckle behind her back. She smiled all the way out to her car but she was a little bit nervous. She'd never spent time alone with his mother and she hoped Cesaria wouldn't mind that it was her showing up and not Nick.

**Nick wasn't at all** nervous. Okay, maybe a little bit. They'd had lunch with his mother two times during this past month. His mother had always been such an important part of his life he wanted her to get to know Amanda. As well as the other way around. He couldn't believe how timid Amanda got around his mother though. She barely spoke a word which was so not like her.

He gave his mother a call letting her know Amanda would be the one picking her up. His mother didn't seem to have a problem with that at all. She hadn't finished her tests yet though and she worried Amanda would come too early and have to sit and wait. He calmed his mom and then texted Amanda that she didn't need to hurry.

He secretly hoped the two of them meeting alone would ease things a bit. He had to stop thinking and worrying about that now though since he had to be on the stand in a little while.

**Unfortunately a little** while became a long while and he didn't leave the courthouse until two hours later. He drove straight over to his mom's apartment. As he walked in, using his own key, he found her keys dropped down the shoot and figured Amanda must've left locking the door behind her.

"Mama?" Nick called out but not too loud in case she was asleep. He walked straight towards the bedroom figuring he would find his mother there and he was right. She was propped up against the headboard with a blanket covering her legs.

"Son," Cesaria whispered as her eyes popped open.  
"Mom, everything okay?" he said walking up to her to place a kiss on her forehead. She patted his cheek as usual.  
"I'm okay," she said, "just tired."  
"Everything go okay?" he asked wondering more about the pickup than the tests since he knew that would take a few weeks to get the results from. She nodded again.

"Amanda left?" he asked and again Cesaria nodded.  
"I got tired but she helped me get to bed and made sure I had everything," she said looking over at the bed stand and the glass of lemonade and sandwich that were placed there.

"So everything went okay… with Amanda?" he asked a bit hesitant.  
"Just fine, she helped me inside, we talked for a while, I showed her your baby pictures…" she said smiling as Nick gave her a worried look.  
"I showed her photos of you and Zara, I told her Zara looked just like you as a baby and that she should expect your babies to have your strong facial features at first," Cesaria said still smiling.

"You didn't…" Nick said with barely a whisper as he felt a bit of panic. His mother placed her hand on top of his and patted it gently.  
"You did?" he asked more anxious than panicked.

She just kept smiling and patting his hand. He knew his mother, she would just keep looking at him with that mysterious look of hers and since she seemed tired as well he didn't want to argue with her. He helped his mother have some lemonade as she gestured for it. He made sure her pillow was alright next and then held on to her hand for a while as she closed her eyes.

"So mom," he said even though he knew he should let her rest but he just had to know, "what do you think of Amanda?"  
"Amanda? Well she's very polite," Cesaria answered opening her eyes back up. Nick let out a surprised sound. Not that Amanda wasn't well-mannered but he'd just never heard anyone describe her as polite. It wasn't really the first thing that came to mind when thinking about her. He met his mom's eyes and could tell she was waiting for him to ask the question he really wanted to ask.

"Do you think she's the one for me? That she could be the one I've been waiting for?"

He was a little nervous to ask since he knew he would get the truth from his mother. He'd asked her before if she liked Amanda and she'd always said she did but he'd never dared to ask her if she thought Amanda loved him the way he loved her. He got even more anxious as his mother grabbed his hand with both of hers and even though she was tired she managed to give him that serious stare of hers.

"That girl will make your head spin, your blood swirl and your heart race. She will love you but also make you angry and frustrated enough that you will want to strangle her at times and at the end of all days you will not regret a single moment you spent with her."

For a few seconds he couldn't talk, if even breathe. It meant a lot to him that his mother had seen all that in her.

"She loves me?" he asked, tears burning behind his eyes.  
"That girl loves you more than she can express," Cesaria answered and hit the nail on the head.

**He was happy** to find Amanda in his apartment once he left his mother who'd been in need of sleep. She'd made an effort to cook dinner for them and he appreciated it since he knew she wasn't fond of standing in front of the stove. He gave her a hug from behind and stole a kiss from her neck as he thanked her for taking his mother home. Amanda brushed it off and then they didn't mention it again. He didn't want to push since he didn't hold it as impossible his mother had actually talked to Amanda about their future kids and he worried any mention of it would get Amanda fleeing.

Amanda didn't bring it up either. She didn't since she still wasn't sure what that feeling had meant, that deep and warm feeling that had been released in her gut as his mother showed her a baby picture of Zara while letting her know that's what her child would look like as well. His mom just seemed like one of those women that held some mysterious insight into the future and when she mentioned a baby Amanda couldn't help but feel as though she'd been put under some spell. The scary part though was that it didn't feel like a horrendous spell, it felt as something she might even long for.

He would commend her cooking later on once their plates were cleaned. She figured he was mostly being kind cause it hadn't been that good but she still took it with a smile. They watched some TV and then head to bed. As usual they ended their day with a session between the sheets. Tonight though they'd been rather low key, nothing that took them off the bed or made them excessively sweaty.

He had her in his arms, spooning her. He knew she was awake as she was playing with his fingers. He didn't ask but it felt as though she was inspecting every finger on his one hand. He'd been breathing in the scent of her hair but now leaned up to place a kiss on the bare shoulder he'd been eyeing for a while. He took the chance to also look at her fingers running over his.

"I think we should tell Benson," he said deciding to take the bull by the horn. She didn't stiff up, gasp or pull away. All that happen was that her fingers stopped moving for a while as she seemed to take his words in, then they continued moving down his long finger.

"I'll still be the one leaving if it comes to that," he said when she didn't speak.  
"I don't want you to leave," she whispered.  
"Only if it comes to that. It might not," he said.

There was a silent pause.

"What do you think she'll say?" she asked after a while.  
"I don't know," he said placing his head on top of hers making their cheeks touch. She let his hand go and reached up to stroke his other cheek.

"Can we just give it a little more time?" she asked after once again a silent pause.  
"I almost slipped today, it's not the first time," he said thinking about a verbal slip he'd made a couple of weeks ago but that Liv thankfully hadn't picked up on, "I think it would be worse if she finds out some other way and not from the two of us."

She knew he was right but she was just so scared she would get on Liv's bad side again. It seemed to go rather smoothly between the two females these days but Amanda was terrified to screw it all up again. And she was also afraid of getting a reputation. She knew she had one back in Atlanta but having a rep for screwing around was one thing, if guys could do that she could too, but to sleep with colleagues, now that was a different matter. Maybe she was a little afraid of Rigby still, he'd tried to imply she had an affair with Sam.

"Just a little more time?" Amanda asked tentatively.  
"Okay," he said lifting his head to give her cheek a kiss. He lay down behind her again, inhaling that sweet scent of hers again. Her hand had started playing with his again.

"What did you wish for as a kid?" Amanda whispered suddenly.  
"What I wished for as a kid? Hm, have to think about that one," Nick said as nothing sprung to mind.

"To be a NBA player probably, or NFL later on, and for my mom to be happy," he said, "And yes that I would never have to move out. I could not imagine being without her cooking, cleaning and laundry services."

Amanda chuckled slightly. He could tell by the lack of force behind it though that she was getting sleepy.

"What did you wish for?" he asked rubbing her hand now that she'd stopped playing with his. She took a few moments before she answered but it would be worth waiting for.

"This," she whispered, "to belong, and to feel loved."

He placed a kiss on her bare shoulder blade, too emotional to really say anything. When he was able to talk again he'd already felt her falling asleep so he just snuggled in even closer, burying his face in her hair.

"We belong," he whispered, "and you'll always be loved."


End file.
